Bad Dude And The Coalition Of United Terrible Evils

by naturalbornderpy


Walk With Me In Heck

Green Bean used a hoof to push some of the mane out of his eyes. It was sometime in the middle of the night and at that moment he was busily scribbling down important notes by the light from a candle. Ever since his inner muse happened upon the brilliant “Sour Glaze” and the like, Green Bean found he only wanted to concentrate on more nicknames and taunts to eventually direct at his fellow classmates.
                
“Apple… Doom?” he muttered quietly, so as not to wake his mother in the next room. That evening it was only the two of them having dinner again—Green Bean’s dad had stayed late at work that night. “Apple… Gloom? No. Wait! Apple Broom!”
                
Green Bean chuckled to himself, stifling the worst of the giggles with a hoof. He could already see it all in his head. He’d call Apple Bloom “Apple Broom” and the whole class would laugh at his sheer genius. Then, to add to the hilarity, he’d turn Apple Bloom upside down and use her mane to sweep the floor. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
                
With a sly smirk, Green Bean opened his “TAUNTS A – F” folder and deposited it into the correct slot. Tomorrow is gonna be fun, he thought coolly, before the candle on his bedside table went out.
                
“What the heck?” he said, before he turned to discover just who had blown it out.
                
Sweet Glaze was standing on the floor near his bed with a half-hearted smile on his lips. He stared up at Green Bean soundlessly, almost as if curious about what he’d do next.
                
“Sweet Glaze?” Green Bean gasped out. “What are you doing in my room? How’d you even—”
                
But his words were cut short as a second Sweet Glaze went to stand by the first, matching his pose. Wordlessly, they looked up at him.
                
Green Bean felt the hints of sweat on his temples. “You have a twin? Since when?”
                
That was when a third and fourth Sweet Glaze entered the scene, followed by half a dozen more. Now there were more Sweet Glazes than actual floor space inside Green Bean’s cramped bedroom.
                
Green Bean’s mouth dropped open as he looked over all the silently staring Sweet Glazes. “I’m dreaming… that’s all. I fell asleep after being so ridiculously clever and…”
                
At once, every Sweet Glaze on the floor shook their heads from side to side.
                
“Then… then what do you want?” Green Bean sputtered out, before he noticed every pair of eyes in the room look above his head. A moment later, he did the same and exhaled in surprise.
                
Up above him were two more Sweet Glazes, each gripping the sides of a sack as they pounced down and effortlessly sealed him inside of it.
                

***

 

It was only a few minutes later before Green Bean was released from the sack. Once he saw where he’d been taken to, it almost made him wish he could’ve stayed inside there the rest of the night.
                
All around him, a harsh wind ruffled at his mane, instantly sending a shiver down his spine. One of his back legs was being held above him by a pair of rock hard hooves, letting him dangle upside-down in the air. Green Bean had to shove the mane out of his eyes to make sure he was seeing things right, because at the moment it looked as if Ponyville and his house were now thousands of feet below him. Needless to say, it was all a long, long way down.
                
“Enjoying the view?” asked the one holding his leg—a rich voice that had a slight echo-like effect to it. “Take it all in while you can.”
                
Visibly trembling where he dangled, Green Bean painfully angled his head upwards to glimpse the pony hovering above him. Once he took sight of her, he shrieked for a good half-minute—his screams effortlessly cutting through the quiet nighttime air.
                
The all-black figure with the jagged horn and wispy turquoise mane grinned down at him devilishly. “By that response, I take it you already know who I am?”
                
Green Bean nodded spastically. “You’re Queen Sombrero! Oh, Celestia no! Please don’t stuff me full of guacamole and hang me from the ceiling like a piñata! Oh, please don’t! I don’t even like avocados! Somebody help me!”
                
The black figure above him shut her eyes for a moment. She said more to herself, “I guess I should’ve realized not all foals are as interested in villains as Bad Dude is.” Then she said directly to him, “I take it you’re not an honor student at your school?”
                
Green Bean shook his head. “I have like… four tutors—math, history, geography, art!”
                
The black figure raised a brow. “Art? How can you fail art? You really must be some kind of special.”
                
“That’s what my mom says,” Green Bean replied quietly. “That I’m special.”
                
“We’re really getting off track here,” the black figure told him, before she gave his leg a rough shake, making him squeak out in fright. “Have I got your attention? Good. My name is Queen Chrysalis and I happen to have a few questions for you—Sweet Glaze related questions.”
                
Green Bean furrowed his brows. “Spit Glaze? What does—”
                
That was when Chrysalis dropped him a couple inches in the air, catching his back leg a bit closer to his hoof.
                
She told him absently, “You really should be more careful with what you say, Green Bean. You might end up saying something so funny that I start to laugh too hard and accidentally let go of you—or maybe I’ll just do it on purpose so I can steal all your funny jokes.”
                
Green Bean’s eyes shot open. “Not my jokes! Don’t steal Apple Broom from me! Please!”
                
“I’ll try not to,” Chrysalis replied softly, twisting her hooves from side to side so Green Bean swung in the air like a pendulum. “Let’s start anew. First off: Sweet Glaze’s name is Sweet Glaze and shall remain as such. All right?”
                
Green Bean nodded at once, the tips of his mane already drenched in sweat.
                
Chrysalis smiled. “Good. Now, tell me—how can a nice, sweet little colt such as Sweet Glaze hold a birthday party that not a single pony attends? That seems rather odd, doesn’t it?”
                
“Not if he’s a loser,” Green Bean blurted out, before quickly realizing his mistake.
                
This time Chrysalis flat out dropped him a good dozen feet before grabbing onto his other back leg. She grunted as she grabbed hold of him again. “Oh, my, Green Bean! All of these hilarious jokes of yours are making you so much heavier than you have any right being. I just hope my strength doesn’t give out before our conversation comes to an end.”
                
Green Bean stared up at her, eyes bulging and pupils shrinking. “I didn’t know jokes could make you heavy! I can’t help it if I’m naturally hilarious!”
                
Again, Chrysalis said more to herself, “I don’t think four tutors is enough for you, actually.” Then, with a quick sigh and jostle of her mane, she said to him, “Different answer, please. Less funny answer.”
                
Green Bean couldn’t stop his chin from trembling. “Maybe no one in our class came to his party because Sweet Glaze lives in Canterlot, but for some reason goes to school in Ponyville. That’s like… two hours travel time! Nopony has that kinda time!”
                
Chrysalis had to think on that. “So Sweet Glaze lives in Canterlot, but goes to school in Ponyville? That doesn’t make any sense.”
                
“I know, right!” Green Bean explained with a nod. “I think it’s like part of some exchange program or something. He didn’t like his other school, so he came to ours. Some unicorn teleportation system ships him to school every morning and right after.”
                
Chrysalis appeared to still be thinking it over. “But aren’t there other schools in Canterlot? I mean, there has to be at least more than one school he could’ve—” She stopped herself there. “You know what? That doesn’t really matter now. I asked you a question and you got me sidetracked. I don’t like that. Two hour train ride to Canterlot on a free Saturday? To attend a birthday party inside a donut shop? At least one of your classmates would’ve attended, I’m sure. So spill the beans, Green Bean! Before I spill you onto all of Ponyville!”
                
A single tear coursed down Green Bean’s cheek. “You’re not funny!”
                
Chrysalis jostled his back leg again. “Answer me!”
                
I did it! I stole the invitations! All right! There!” Green Bean blubbered out, his eyes swimming in tears. “When Mrs. Cheerilee made me stay inside during recess that one day, I saw Sweet Glaze’s stack of invitations on her desk… and when she went outside to check on everyone… I took them and ripped them up. Then I told her I put them into everyone’s desks and that was it! Nobody came because nobody even knew there was a party!”
                
Hastily, Green Bean removed the tears from his face with a hoof and sniffled aloud. “I just… I just didn’t want to see more kids going to Sweet Glaze’s party than mine. Only my close friends showed up last time and… even my dad missed out on it because he worked late that night; I think that’s why I make so much trouble for everyone to begin with… because the only time my dad ever pays attention to me is when he’s mad at me. I think—”
                
Chrysalis gave his leg another jostle and stared at him deadpan. “What do you think you’re doing? Are you trying to give yourself a back story?” She shook her head at him gravely. “You don’t get a back story here. You’re a jerk, plain and simple. And now you’re being punished for being such a jerk.”
                
“But I’ve learned my lesson already!” Green Bean told her earnestly. “I’ll leave Sweet Glaze alone! I promise!”
                
“Oh, I’m sure you will,” Chrysalis spoke lightly, “because you’ll actually never see him again because you’ll be dead.”
                
What!?” Green Bean screamed.
                
“Now where should I drop you off? The school? Your house? Town hall?”
                
“But I don’t wanna die!”
                
Chrysalis chuckled. “Just duck and roll, Green Bean. Hey, you might even survive. Believe in yourself! And, if we’re speaking openly…” She turned his attention to another section of the sky, where a thick swarm of hundreds of black insect-like creatures patiently hovered and waited. “If I wanted to be really nasty this evening, I could’ve hoofed you over to my children to be eaten alive.”
                
Green Bean screamed again. “Why does everything keep on getting worse for me!?
                
Chrysalis smiled at him sweetly. “While love is one of our favorite things to eat, it’s definitely not all we can consume. Right now you reek of fear. Do you have any idea what fear tastes like? Sour. So right now, you’re rather close to a sour apple to us. A great big sour apple that I know my children would just love to meet.”
                
Green Bean shook his head frantically. “But I don’t want to meet them! I’m terrible at introductions! Honest!”
                
Chrysalis smirked. “That’s why I’ve decided to just let you fall from the sky—much less messy that way. And, truthfully, I’m actually being a lot kinder than I usually am. So maybe a ‘thank you’ is in order here? Hmm?”
                
For the longest time, Green Bean only stared at her, curious if this was all real or not. When enough time had passed, he eventually whimpered out, “Thank you?”
                
“You’re quite welcome.”
                
Then she let him go of him to fall towards the Earth.
 

***

 

After being let go, Green Bean shut his eyes and hugged all four of his legs tight to his chest. Perhaps if he was lucky, he could land in a wagon full of hay or in someone’s above ground swimming pool. Weirder things had happened in Ponyville before, hadn’t they?
                
Then out of the darkness, a mischievous voice started to speak to him.

“You just gonna remain as a ball the whole time or you gonna stand up soon? Because I have no problem kicking you around the place if you want to stay like a ball. It’s really up to you, though.”
                
Green Bean pried open his eyes to find a figure even worse than Queen Sombrero standing above him. Seven feet tall and made up of different animal parts, stood Discord—the draconequus that he remembered had warped Ponyville into a chaos utopia for half-a-day one time. At the moment, he was clad in a slick red-and-black suit with matching cane. His toxic red-and-yellow eyes burned in his skull as bright as a well-stoked fire.
                
“What… what happened?” Green Bean asked tentatively, as he shakily got to his hooves. “Where am I? And why are you here?”
                
Discord giggled richly. “Why you’re in Heck, of course! And I just so happen to be the ruler of Heck! Makes sense, doesn’t it? Oh, wait a minute. I hate sense. Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.”
                
Green Bean swallowed dryly and took a moment to glance around the place he’d just found himself in. It looked like a rough tunnel made out of rock; a series of lit torches attached to the walls lit the dark scene. On either side of the tunnel were hundreds of wooden and steel doors arranged in a helter-skelter pattern.
                
“Where in Equestria is Heck?” Green Bean asked Discord softly. “Is it close to Ponyville? Because I really want to go—”
                
“Oh, no, no, no,” Discord interrupted thickly. “You’re actually a long way from Ponyville, my dear Mean Green Bean. And Heck isn’t exactly a location, but more of a state of mind.” He flashed his sharp teeth at him, each of them glinting as they caught the light from the nearby torches. “You’re dead, Sean Bean. You fell two thousand feet to the Earth and transformed into instant pudding. And so that brings you to Heck… and to me, of course.”
                
“I’m… dead?” Green Bean hitched in a breath as his eyes began to water. “But what about my mom? Or my dad? And who’s going to feed my goldfish if I’m dead? And I never got to use my Apple Broom taunt!”
                
Discord raised a bushy brow. “Apple Broom? Were you going to use her as a push broom after calling her that?”
                
Green Bean nodded in a pout.
                
Discord held his gut with a paw as he laughed loud enough to echo all the way down the tunnel. “Genius! Utter genius!” He pointed a sharp claw Green Bean’s way. “Okay, I hate you a little bit less than I originally did. Not enough to spare you what’s to come, obviously, but just enough to not kick you in the shins as I show you around. Ready for the tour? Let’s go.”
                
Without giving Green Bean time to respond, Discord began marching down the long tunnel, whistling a one-note tune as he went. After the torches behind Green Bean began to flicker out and cast the area in darkness, he hurriedly trotted after Discord and attempted to stay as close to his side as he could.
                
“Heck is a rather simple place,” Discord informed him tiredly, “as it basically runs off disappointment. For example: what’s your favorite ice cream flavor, Mr. Bean?”
                
“Strawberry,” Green Bean answered, still sniffling quietly.
                
At that, Discord sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s too bad. We just ran out of strawberry yesterday. Second favorite?”
                
“Chocolate?”
                
Discord brightened after hearing that. “Good news! We have one scoop left! And here it is!” Reaching into his suit coat pocket, Discord retrieved a perfectly round scoop of chocolate ice cream atop of a waffle cone. He then held it out to Green Bean for a brief moment, before stuffing the entire cone inside his mouth and devouring it as disgustingly as he could.
                
When Green Bean tried to turn away from the sight, Discord even spun his head around again so he had to keep looking at him as he licked the chocolate off his claws.
                
Grimacing, Green Bean asked him, “When will Heck get another shipment of ice cream in?”
                
“Tomorrow.”
                
Green Bean brightened a bit. “Really?”
                
“Yep,” Discord replied with a grin. “It’s only too bad that in Heck, it’s always today and never tomorrow. Starting to understand how this place works?”
                
“Sort of…” Green Bean muttered, before his eyes shot open with a thought. “But did I ever tell you how much I hate peanut butter and chocolate together? I sure hope you don’t have any of that lying around here.”
                
Discord waved his claws. “Nice try, Beano, but we’re done with that joke. And nobody hates peanut butter and chocolate together. If you did, I’d be forced to place you in an even worse location than Heck. Ever been to the land of the ice and snow before?”
                
Before Green Bean could think of a reply, Discord overrode him anyways.
                
“As soon as we’re done with the tour, I’ll have you fitted for your official Heck sweater. It’s forever itchy and always one-size too small for you. It also has a tag in the back that can’t be removed. After that, I’ll give you your lumpy Heck mattress and official Heck nighttime teddy bear.”
                
Green Bean appeared puzzled. “Heck has teddy bears?”
                
“Oh, I wouldn’t get excited about it, String Bean. Every teddy bear in Heck looks just like me and won’t stop talking even when you’re trying to sleep. Its favorite topics to talk about include socks and sandals and if it’s normal for someone to enjoy the smell of fresh sawdust.”
                
“Do we at least get blankets here?” Green Bean asked miserably.
                
“Of course you do!” Discord exclaimed. “We’re not monsters here in Heck! The only problem is that every blanket in Heck is roughly two inches too short for everyone and keeps the user at precisely two degrees warmer than they would’ve liked. Needless to say, you won’t be sleeping a lot here. But then again, that’s probably for the best! Wait until you meet your cellmate!”
                
“My…” Green Bean shuddered as he walked. “My cellmate?”
                
Discord nodded happily. “Yep! But don’t you worry your idiotic little head about anything! He’s super friendly and super nice! Why, he even vomits out cotton candy if you tickle him too much! And did I ever mention how my number one hobby was lying? Because it is! Or maybe it’s not… because I just like to lie that much!”
                
Discord and Green Bean stopped outside an iron door marked “DOOR”. After reading the text, Green Bean gave Discord a quizzical stare.
                
In response, Discord only pursed his lips and appeared irritated. “What? Heck’s funding was cut. We ran out of creativity when we got close to finishing the place up. But I digress…”
                
Using his lion’s paw and eagle’s claw, Discord undid the lock on the door and pushed it inwards. Inside was what looked like a long, darkened pit—at its very end were several rows of rusty bars that went all the way from the floor to the ceiling. Inside the makeshift cage was—
                
No! Not King Crystal Face!” Green Bean yelled out in fright, inching away from the cell.
                
Still standing beside the door, Discord pulled on his beard. “What did you just call Sombra? ‘King Crystal Face’? My Celestia, that’s rich. Not as rich as that ice cream cone from before, but…” He paused to glance down at the cowering Green Bean at the other side of the tunnel. “You all right, Scream Bean? Sombra might look horrible and gross and smelly and stupid and a lot of other things on the outside, but deep, deep down he’s actually a whole lot worse than that.”
                
Where is that Green Bean!?” Sombra roared from inside the pitch black room. “I will tear him limb from limb and laugh as I do so!
                
Out in the tunnel, Discord went to stand beside the trembling Green Bean. “I should probably mention that Sombra’s a little pissed at you for hurting Sweet Glaze back when you were alive. Them two got some sort of bro-mance going on. But don’t fret! Even if Sombra rips you apart into a billion little pieces, you technically can’t die because you’re already dead! Isn’t that comforting news? So you’ll just be stuck in a continuous loop of pain and suffering until the universe ceases to exist anymore! But don’t you go forgetting about Heck’s trademark Taco Tuesdays, though! Sadly, it’s Monday today and tomorrow doesn’t exist here. So I guess no tacos for you after all!”
                
Give him to me, Discord!” Sombra yelled from inside the darkness. “I can smell his fear from here and it smells wonderful! Give him to me! Stop this childish charade already and let us be done with him! You know this place shouldn’t be called ‘Heck’! It should be called—”
                
BLERT!
                
Before Sombra could say his next word, Discord pulled out an air horn and sounded it, effortlessly covering up Sombra’s next word.
                
Discord turned to the opened cell to yell at Sombra. “Remember what I said before? We can’t use those types of words, King Muttonchops! We have a rating to abide by here!”
                
What!?” Sombra answered in a scream. “You talk like a fool, dragon! I can say whatever the—”
                
BLERT!
                
“—I want and if I want to—
                
BLERT!
                
“—Green Bean’s corpse and shove my—
                
BLERT!
                
“—into his—”
                
BLERT!
                
“—and call him a—”
                
BLERT!
                
“—and his mother a—”
                
BLERT!
                
“—while I—”
                
BLERT! BLERT! BLERT!
                
“—him all night long, then I damn well should be able to!
                
Sadly, not even Discord’s air horn could mask every word of Sombra’s horrifically graphic speech. After hearing this, Green Bean collapsed to the ground and became as pale as a fresh piece of chalk.
                
“Could you move for a moment?”
                
Green Bean looked up from the floor to find a red centaur in a cloak holding a small paintbrush in his hand.
                
Green Bean hurriedly moaned from the sight. “No! No, more please! I’ve learned my lesson! Really! No more!”
                
The centaur rolled his eyes and reached over Green Bean to the door behind him. He painted a crude “DOOR” title before moving away from it.
                
“Not everyone has a bit, you know,” the centaur told him. “For the most part, I’m just helping with the props and window dressing. Also… I really had nothing better to do tonight.”
                
With that said, the centaur shuffled past him and continued down the dark tunnel, painting the same word on each door he stopped at. In was only when Discord roughly pulled Green Bean to his hooves again that he remembered just how bad a situation he was still in.
                
Discord grinned down at him. “Didn’t forget about us, did you? Time to meet your new best friend forever!
                
Holding him by the scruff of the neck, Discord lazily tossed Green Bean inside the pitch-black cell before slamming the door shut behind him. With the door closed, Green Bean couldn’t even see the end of the room where Sombra’s cell was located.
                
In the all-consuming darkness, Green Bean whimpered to himself, before he heard the sound of metal being bent and broken apart near the other end of the room. A moment following that, he felt someone’s warm breath on the side of his neck.
                
“No amount of air horns will save you now, I’m afraid,” Sombra warned him softly, before opening his haunting red-and-green eyes and giving Green Bean a very close view of his many sharp teeth.
                
By the sight alone, Green Bean screamed and screamed. Then he screamed some more for good measure.
                
Suddenly, Green Bean felt something much different underneath his plot and stopped to check it out. It was his bed sheets, only now mysteriously completely soaked through. Looking up, Green Bean saw he was back in his bedroom—even the candle by his bed had been relit.
                
“It had all been a dream,” he mumbled out. “It must have. A horrible, horrible dream that—”
                
Then his eyes fell to the Discord doll by the edge of his bed attached to a note. The note read: “PULL STRING.” So with trembling hooves, Green Bean did just that—spinning the Discord doll around to yank on the pull-string coming out its back.
                
Don’t think that this is over… because it’s not…
                
We have many other uses for you… and many more silly names to call you… like Green Bean Casserole…
                
Green Bean gulped while he gripped his pillow tight to his chest. For the rest of the night, the Discord doll only continued to blather on with little hope of ever shutting up.
                
What’s the deal with socks and sandals? Who’s even wearing them?
                
And I can’t be the only one that likes fresh cut sawdust, can I? That doesn’t make me weird, does it?
                
Don’t even get me started on post-it notes. Okay, you just did! Hope you’re sitting on something comfortable…