//------------------------------// // Bonus Arc: Dan Vs. Doctor Doom… ?: Chapter 2 Dan Vs. Victor Von Doom…? // Story: The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga // by Justice3442 //------------------------------// The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga Bonus Arc: Dan Vs. Doctor Doom… ? Chapter 2 Dan Vs. Victor Von Doom…? -ooooooo- “OH MY GOSH! THAT CAT IS SO FLUFFY!” Pinkie Pie cried shrilly as she spotted a long-haired, white-and-black-furred cat. As Pinkie broke into a sprint down the sunlit sidewalk, the cat flinched then froze momentarily as its eyes enlarged to stare at the rapidly approaching woman. The cat quickly turned and began running, but it was too late for the inhumanly fast Pinkie. Flanked by ornate stone building with a random assortment of slightly dour-looking people casting Pinkie a sidewise glance, Pinkie gathered the cat into her arms and hugged it tightly to herself. Dan let out a groan as he watched this display and the follow up feline protests which took the form of scratches and bites that went mostly ignored by the hyperactive, pink-haired Pinkie. “Pinkie,” Dan began in an irritated tone, “first, we’re never going to get anywhere if you keep picking up every stray cat you see!” “How can this ball of fluffy fluff be a stray?!” Pinkie asked as said ball of fluff sunk its fangs into her arm and swatted at her hair. “Mewseph Stalin looks too nicey nice to be a stray! Also, ow!” “Second, stop naming all the stray cats we find!” “Oh, I don’t think Chainman Meow will approve of that,” Pinkie said with a frown before she set ‘Mewseph Stalin’ back down gently. The cat hissed and growled at her for her trouble. Dan sighed and shook his head. “Look, I really don’t know why every cat we come across looks like it just escaped from someone’s nice home or who unloaded all these stray cats on eastern Europe…” >-~Many Years Ago~-< Dan pulled up on a lever and grasped a pair of steel handles spaced a few feet away from each other. With a grunt he pushed up on handles and stepped aside as the back of a truck’s trailer opened and hundreds of cats spill out. Dan begins to laugh maniacally as the cats spread out in all directions from the truck. “HAHAHAHA! TASTE MY FELINE RAGE, ESTONIA! YOU’LL NEVER BE CAT FREE AGAIN!” <-~Back in the Present~-> Pinkie’s brow tightened slightly. “Why did you unleash a horde of cats on Estonia?” “I was mad at their President,” Dan replied. “I found out he was allergic to cats after Chris and I broke into his house and talked to his wife.” Dan pursed his lips for a moment. “How the heck did you even know about that!?” “Oh, it was in a flashback,” Pinkie explained. “But not like… a flashback the character actually remembers. More like one to establish dramatic irony in a comedic fashion.” “… WHAT?!”  “OH MY GOSH!” Pinkie exclaimed as something caught her eye and she ran off. “It’s a calico! I’m going to name it Vladimir Purrtin!” “Pinkie!” Dan cried. “If you keep that up you’re going to get turbo rabies!” “OW!” Pinkie exclaimed as her newest, mewest victim protested with claws and teeth. “WORTH IT!” >-ooo-< “Honey?!” Chris exclaimed in a worried from behind night-vision goggles as he gripped an assault rifle. He peeked past a corner into darkened hallway. “I think we should have another talk about my ‘comfort zone’- AH!” Chris ducked back behind the corner as hailstorm of bullets pelted his cover. Standing next to Chris and wearing skin-tight black clothing, goggles that matched Chris’s, and a hood over her head, Elise busily ran her fingers over a keypad next to a sealed steel door. “I’m not asking you to kill anyone!” she replied without looking up from the keypad. “That’s not actually the part—” “I just need some covering fire,” Elise said as she casually grabbed the assault rifle from Chris with one hand, pointed the weapon past Chris into the hallway, and opened fire. A man’s anguished scream answered. “Uh… What was that about not killing anyone?” Chris asked. Elise’s fingers continued to dance across the 10-digit keypad. “Oh please. If they scream, it means they’re still alive. I’m sure that guard will be fine.” “Glenn’s bleeding to death! Someone call his wife and children!” A slightly dark smile crossed Elise’s face. “Or they’re mortally wounded, but it’s one less person who bugs me by the water cooler.” Chris frowned. “If you work here, couldn’t we just… you know… have walked in?” Elise shook her head. “They already think I’m out with the experimental super-jet thanks to Dan and Pinkie,” Elise answered as a pineapple-shaped grenade landed at her and Chris’s feet. Chris let out a startled cry as Elise casually kicked the grenade back into the hallway. “So I have to break in to make it look like an attack from a rival spy.” ‘KABOOOM!’ “AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! MY FIRKIN’ KIDNEY!” “Hence that taking out cameras so we’re not identified,” Elise concluded as she pointed to a ruined camera. Chris’s eyelids narrowed slightly. “You’re also causing a lot of damage to your coworkers.” Elise shrugged. “We’ve got pretty good benefits including a decent life-insurance package.” Chris frowned. “I’m starting to think you don’t get along well with your fellow employees.” Elise frowned slightly. “Not my fault they fold under heavy gunfire or the odd fragmentation grenade here or there.” The door next to the keypad Elise was pressing suddenly opened. “Got it!” Elise said triumphantly. She grabbed Chris by the arm and pulled him inside the room, shooting the keypad, before the steel door slammed shut. Elise smiled. “That should keep them out.” Chris shot Elise a worried expression. “Wait, does that mean we’re stuck in here, too?!” “Oh, we won’t need the door,” Elise said as her smile widened and she turned into the room. Chris turned, his jaw unhinging and practically hitting the floor. “Is that… Is that what I think it is?” “Yep!” Elise said happily. “I thought we were stealing a jet!” Elise shook her head. “Dan and Pinkie already have a head start and stole the world’s fastest jet. This’ll be much quicker.” Chris nodded. “Honey, I just want you to know that despite the many, many concerns I’ve had about our marriage, including the one I just had as I was being shot at,  I’m overjoyed to be your husband.” “Awww…” Elise uttered as she stood on her tiptoes and kissed Chris on the cheek. -ooo- “Will you get out from behind that tree already?!” Dan cried in an irate tone. “Nu-uh!” Pinkie replied, a tuft of pink hair sticking out from behind a tree. “Don’t make me drag you into the hospital!” “That’s not a hospital!” Pinkie cried. She peeked out past the tree and looked up above a massive stone wall at a three story building that looked a bit more like a grim castle than a hospital. “That-that’s-that’ssomesortofvillian’sevillair!” Pinkie cried before she ducked her head back behind the tree. “Exactly!” Dan said. “It’s a hospital designed to look like an evil lair!” Dan shook his head. “It’s like he’s not even trying!” Pinkie poked her head out from behind the tree. “So you’re saying it’s not just a hospital in some really, really old, creepy building?” “No it’s not just that!” Dan said. He extended a hand out matter of factually. “Sure, it’s probably kinda also that, but it’s secretly the lair of one of history’s greatest villains!” “So if we go inside, I won’t get a shot for turbo rabies?” “What!?” Dan cried. He motioned to the hospital. “Inside these walls is one of humanity's greatest scientific minds and most impressive sorcerers! We could very well face mechanical or demonic legions far beyond anything we could imagine! Robots built to reduce us to ash, or devils whose only joy in existence is to make ours a living nightmare beyond all comprehension! Why would you need a shot when your very life could come to an end at a moment’s notice?” “Okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she skipped out from behind the tree. She cringed and hugged herself. “Just as long as I don’t have to deal with any needles.” “What is it with you and needles?” Dan asked as he walked up to a set of heavy wooden doors. “They just freak me out, okay?!” Pinkie replied as she followed Dan who threw open the doors and walked into a lobby. “What is it with you and Willem Dafoe?” “HE LOOKS LIKE A MAN-SIZED FETISH DOLL!” Dan snapped as the couple walked through the hospital lobby. “Also, shut up! Now if I was an evil super villain who plagued the world on a regular basis—” “You kinda are.” “—I’d have a subterranean base,” Dan said as he began walking down a spiral staircase. “So, I’d imagine what we’ll find at the end of this staircase is sort of boring room with a secret lever or button that leads to an even secreter hidden area of the hospital.”   Pinkie close behind, soon both Dan and her were standing at the bottom of the stairs. Only a couple chairs and a few pictures of military engagements of men fighting in trenches with old rifles occupied an otherwise stark room. “Well, it’s certainly not super-de-duper interesting,” Pinkie admitted. She pointed away from the room. “Are you sure he’s not down the super creepy hallway full of equally creepy-looking statues?” Dan glanced down said hallway. “Naw. That’s clearly a distraction for people who’ve gotten this far. I’m sure the unenlightened have spent hours grabbing random candlesticks and pulling on the tongues of statues.” Pinkie giggled. “Well, who can resist playing with the tongue of a sexy statue or two?” Dan raised an eyebrow. Pinkie threw her hands into the air. “Do I pass judgement on your fetishes? Noooo!” Dan narrowed his eyes. “Ryan Reynolds is a national treasure!”   “Again, not passing judgement!” Pinkie replied. Dan shook his head. “Just… just shut up and help me start rubbing and yanking on things!” Pinkie gave Dan a blank look. “… We’re not going to find this base right away, are—” “HEY YOU TWO!” Elise’s angry voice rang out. Pinkie sighed. “Never mind…” Dan and Pinkie looked towards the stairs as Chris and Elise walked down. Elise glared out with fiery, fuming eyes at the couple. Pinkie worked a smile onto her face. “Hi, Elise! Hi, Chris!” she said with just a tad less enthusiasm than normal. Dan gave the newly arrived couple a scrutinizing look. “How the heck did you two catch up to us so fast?! We had the world’s fastest jet!” Chris looked at Dan with a massive grin that went from one ear to the other. “We took a transporter!” Dan’s eyes shot open wide. “Like… from Star Trek!?” Chris nodded, “Only it was exactly like from Star Trek!” “Awww, dis!” Dan exclaimed. Chris shrugged slightly. “You’re the one who got to operate a jet like it was a video game!” “Can we all focus please?!” Elise exclaimed. Pinkie looked at Dan, then at Chris, and then crossed her eyes as if she was trying to look at herself. “Elise… It’s us!” she said as if the statement spoke for itself. Elise let out an annoyed sigh. “I know, Pinkie… It’s just… you and Dan stole a top-secret jet!” Pinkie puffed out her lip into something of a pout. “But if it was top-secret why’d you tell me?” “And me!” Chris added. “You didn’t tell me,” Dan said, “but how was I not going to find out with you telling these two?” Elise let out a long continuous sigh as she hung her head and rubbed her forehead with her fingertips. “Alright just… Where is it?!” “We parked it in a nice quiet park!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “The name seemed appropriate enough.” “You two just left it in a park?!” “Give us some credit!” Dan exclaimed. “We activated the cloaking device!” Pinkie smiled widely. “Just like Star Trek IV!” Dan’s face went serious for a moment as he looked at Chris and Elise. “Are you two sure you can’t give us like… 10 minutes alone?” “IT DOESN’T HAVE A CLOAKING DEVICE!” Elise roared. “Right,” Dan replied. “By cloaking device, I mean we covered it with a tarp.” Elise’s left eye began to twitch as a vein became visible on her forehead. “You two stole the world’s most advanced, prototype jet and just left it in a park COVERED BY A TARP?!” “Wait,” Chris interjected. “Was there a tarp that big on the jet, or did you just happen to have a giant tarp on hand?” Pinkie smiled widely. “In hair actually! I always keep a giant tarp in there in case of tarp emergencies!” Chris shot Pinkie a bewildered look. “Just how much can you fit in your hair?” “You know, I haven’t been able to find out,” Pinkie replied. “My sisters all went on an expedition into my hair when we were kids to help me figure that out.” A deep, haunting frown suddenly appeared on Pinkie’s face. “They were gone for days. I almost thought they were all gone, daddy gone! But they eventually all came out… Each one fundamentally changed by the experience. Their former personalities lost to some unspeakable horror they encountered in the ‘pink void’...” Pinkie’s frown took on a slightly miffed look. “Worst part is that they could never have any of my patented Pinkie Pie’s Pink Cotton Candy without unleashing animalistic feral screams for hours on end.” Elise stared at Pinkie with a concerned look for a moment. “Right… So mental note never to try hiding in your hair.” She turned back towards Dan. “But… seriously! A TARP?!” “Have you seen these people!?” Dan exclaimed. “I’m pretty sure they’re all too miserable with whatever chip they have on their shoulder from formerly being a part of the Soviet Union or whatever to look under random tarps.” “Oh my gosh, right?!” Pinkie chimed in. “It’s like this whole country is in desperate need of a party!” Dan pointed an accusatory finger at Elise. “More importantly, the government has transporters and are just hoarding them?!” Elise sighed. “There’s still some side effects. I’ll need to make sure Chris and I still have our organs in the right places. Not to mention the insatiable appetite that follows using them…” “Insatiable appetite?” Dan replied. “Well, that’s normal for--Chris! Did you steal an IV bag and tear it open so you could suck out the contents of said IV bag?” “Nwwwwwooo…” Chris said right before sucked out the contents of a torn IV bag that was in his mouth. Elise nodded. “There you go.” Dan chuckled. “It’s Chris, how can you tell?” “Dan?” Pinkie said. “Chris is trying to eat my hair!” “Iw’m swowwy!” Chris said through a mouthful of hair. “Bwu iwd twastees jwush wike cwothon cwanny!” “I know, right?!” Pinkie exclaimed. Dan furrowed his brow and turned back towards Elise. “Well, how come you’re not wolfing down saline solution and hair?” Elise answered Dan with a smile. “Oh, I’m feeding on this bottomless well of pure rage I’m currently feeling!” Without warning, Elise grabbed Dan by the collar of his ‘JERK’ shirt, lifted him off the ground and threw him against one of the pictures with a heavy ‘THUD!’ “So if you don’t—” ‘Click!’ A section of the wall suddenly slid away revealing a row of displays attached to a long console. “Hey!” Dan said in a cheery tone despite the fact that he was being held above the ground by his collar. “You found the secret opening! Good job!” “What?” Elise replied. “But I—” “Yay! Hooray for Elise!” Pinkie cheered. “Good job, honey!” Chris added. Elise put Dan down. “Oh! Well, I just… you know…” Realization finally set on Elise’s face. “Hey wait a minute! We need to—” “SO, YOU HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRET LAIR OF DOCTOR DOOM!” a booming voice called out from the new opening. Elise sighed and shook her head. “I suppose this is my fault for not seeing this coming.” Dan nodded. “It really is.” Pinkie nodded along with Dan. “You’ve really had an absurd amount of material to figure this out.” Dramatically, a muscular man wearing a green tunic, green cape, metal mask the only left a space for his eyes and mouth, and metal armor that covered his limbs strolled out into the room. He regarded each person in the room briefly before his steely gaze fell upon Dan. “So, Dan Mandel! As impressed as Doom is with your obstinacy and cleverness in being able to track down my lair. Do you really think you’re a match for the might that is DOCTOR DOOM?!” If only for a moment, Dan’s eyes flashed with red energy as he met Doom’s gaze with his own intent stare. “I’ve dealt with both heroes and villains. Yeah, I think we can take you if it came to that. Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way!” Doom let out a laugh that echoed through the empty room and down the corridor attached to it. “Your tenacity amuses Doom. Pray tell, what is the easy way? Do you wish for Doom to let you in on his plans for world domination?” “What?!” Dan exclaimed. “I mean… tempting… But I think ruling the world would really cut into my ‘Netflix and chill’ time with Pinkie here.” Pinkie giggled and leaned close to Elise. “Netflix and chill is code for—” “I know what it means!” Elise snapped. Chris chuckled. “Hehe… yeaaah…” From behind his metal mask, Doom’s eyes narrowed. “Than if it is not a partnership you seek, what is it you’re after? Do you desire riches?” “I want my money back!” Dan exclaimed. “… Come again?” Doom replied. Dan nodded. “I wasted two dollars of my hard earned money to rent that horrible blu-ray that was the newest Fantastic Four movie!” Dan exclaimed. “I want it back!” Elise looked at Dan in disbelief. “You… you… stole a top-secret jet from a government facility, almost started world war three—” “Again,” Chris said. “—Right. Again! Just to find Doctor Doom’s secret base to demand two dollars?!” Dan nodded. “Of course! What was I supposed to do!? Just let this man get away with torturing me and Pinkie all because he has it in for Reed Richards!?” Dr. Doom clenched his glove covered fists and threw them into the air. “RICHAAAAAARDS!” “Hey!” Dan protested. “He’s not the one who intentionally put in motion a terrible movie to slander… well… Reed Richard’s name!” “Doom is sorry,” Dr. Doom said with a small nod. “Doom has a condition…” Dan shook his head. “It’s fine! So what is it? Do I get my two dollars back, or do I have to rip a hole in space and time to take it out of your flesh?” Chris grinned. “Does this remind anyone else of Better off Dead? Or is that too obscure?” Dan turned to Chris. “No, no…! Now that you mention it…” “That kid!” Chris said a smile. Dan nodded and pointed at Chris, matching his smile. “That kid! It’s totally like that kid.” Elise shook her head. “I can’t believe this… We’re all going to die and my husband and his best friend are talking about 80s movies!” Pinkie turned towards Elise. “Honestly, I’m more surprised that you’re surprised by all this.” Doom waved a dismissive hand. “Doom will not kill anyone today. However, Doom currently has no American currency. Not even a dime.” Dan gave Doom a serious look. “Didn’t ask for a dime. Two dollars.” Doom, Dan, and Chris all broke into a round of laughter. Elise groaned. “Seriously though,” Doom said. “Perhaps some other form of compensation?” Dan and Pinkie looked at each other and shrugged. “What did you have in mind?” -ooo- “Doom relates to this Wade Wilson. Doom is also a twisted horror under his ensemble,” Doom said as he sat next to Pinkie in a darkened theater. Dan looked past Pinkie to shoot Doom a sour look. “We know!” he exclaimed. “You’ve only said that like a dozen times since the movie started!” Doom hung his head. “Doom gets nervous and chatty in social situations.” “Awwww,” Pinkie reached over and patted Doom on one of his shoulder pauldrons. “There, there! What’s important is what’s on the inside! And that you treated us all to a trip to the movies!” "You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting, avocado. Not gently, like, it was hate-f**king. There was something wrong with the relationship, and that was the only catharsis they could find without violence." The group all broke into a round of uproarious laughter. “Hahaha…” Pinkie paused for a second as her forehead tightened. She turned to look at Dan, and past him, Chris and Elise. “Avocado… Anyone feel like they’ve forgotten something? Something they should get back to?” “Nope!” Dan said with a smile on his face. Chris turned to Elise. “Didn’t you need to recover the jet?” Elise grabbed a handful of popcorn out of a large bucket sitting on her lap. “Eh,” she said before stuffing the popcorn into her mouth. End Bonus chapter.