Sometimes I amaze even myself with my brilliance! I glide away from the bathroom window I was watching my commanding officer through. My distraction (an improvisation on plan B of the ‘sneak out of the barracks during daytime’ plan which involved pretending to be sucked down a toilet drain) worked so well that my commanding officer got some handyponies to break the plumbing apart. Amazing.
Of course that meant I couldn’t go back to the barracks, take a shower and then prepare for my date this afternoon, but that was totally part of the plan anyway.
Yes, the date with the super hot pink stallion who fell to my charms in just a few minutes. Well I’m not surprised at that, I am Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent, master of seduction (among other things), no stallion can possibly resist my allure. I also helped him clear his basement (which is why I’m currently covered in cobwebs) and then scared some other ponies away. He was pleased and agreed to go on a date after that, so I guess I did him a solid. I just hope he’ll return the favor. (As soon as I get him in bed of course.)
I spiral down to the ground and land in front of a saddlebag boutique. Goddess even saddlebags are as vibrant as day ponies. I squint so the colours don’t hurt my eyes as much. It’s only just after noon, but the lights in the store are on and they are extra bright and some of those bags are really sparkly so my eyes hurt even more.
I look away from the store.
That’s much better. (Day ponies are really crazy about being bright and colourful.) I’ve heard stories about many great ponies getting distracted by shiny things, but I know better, sparkles and shinies will not distract this godsend of a mare!
What was I doing again?
I glance around and notice the day ponies were looking at me funny. (Well, the ones that didn’t shriek and run away were looking at me funny. Ponies that did shriek and run away were not looking at me funny.) I guess they still aren’t used to how magnificent I am, but that’s ok, I know it’s a lot for them to take in, they’ll get over it.
I wave at them and give my best smile, but all they do is talk about something ‘dirty’ or ‘filthy’. They’re being really hush hush about it (I guess they don’t know my ears are super sensitive), so I pretend I don’t hear them.
They do remind me that I need a shower... I really need a shower. I’m covered in dust and cobwebs and I’m kinda sticky. (Well I don’t mind the sticky part, personally.) I still look amazing of course, but I can’t look any less but my absolute best for my date and for that I need a shower.
Now I just need to find a shower, which totally isn’t a challenge for me. (All of this is part of my incredibly genius and completely planned out plan afterall.)
I fly up.
With my incredible intelligence I determined that I would find a shower faster if I could see more, and where can you see more from than from the sky? (I suppose from somewhere higher than the sky, but that’s just silly.) The shopping district of Canterlot is really crowded with day ponies wearing huge hats or sunglasses. I don’t understand day ponies, if they don’t like the dark then why do they wear these things that make them see stuff darker? (The hats also stop them from seeing my magnificence as I fly above them.)
I still can’t see any showers though and I’m sure none of these ponies would understand my incredibly understandable need for one either.
I fly away from the shopping district and head towards Canterlot park. There are a lot of ponies there too. Maybe one of them can help me find a shower. (And maybe there’s a sexy stallion that wouldn’t mind sharing one.) I think about how incredibly steamy that would be and grin. It would be amazing.
I expertly land inside of a tree (the best place for a super sneaky stealth master such as myself to carefully spy on ponies) and check out the park.
There’s a lot things in the park. A lot of colourful things. (If you can believe it.) Also a lot of smells. I recognize the smell of flowers and grass, but there’s also a hint of strawberry ice cream and cobwebs.
I realise that last one is me.
I continue my observation of the park as my amazingly keen eyes see something interesting. A fountain! I can use that as a shower! Once again my brilliance surpasses even my own expectations. (That doesn’t happen often mind you, otherwise it would mess up all of my genius and carefully laid out plans.) I assess situation really carefully, going over every little detail of my plan just to make sure nothing could go wrong.
There are day guards.
Damn. I curse, but not loud, so I don’t let anypony know I’m up here. It doesn’t matter, of course I wouldn’t use the fountain as a shower (the day guards have nothing to do with that), I was just making sure of its potential to be used as one.
I close my eyes and think. (This is when I come up with some of my most most genius plans.) Aha! I’ve got it! With my superb skills of deduction I’ve determined something of utmost importance. You see, when ponies take a shower (and don’t freak out on me now) they get wet! Incredible, right? I’m not called Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent for nothing. So all I need to do is find a pony that’s wet and I know they’ve taken a shower!
None of these ponies are wet.
Do day ponies not shower? I ponder this for a moment. I know I didn’t shower before I snuck out of the barracks this morning (I would attract unwanted attention that way) but whenever I do, I’m soaked for hours and hours. Luckily, I’m incredibly clever and I take a shower hours before I have to work, so I’ll be dry by that time.
The only day pony I see (somewhat) regularly is Princess Celestia whenever the guards change shifts and I’m certain that she showers. I mean, her mane flows, the only other things that flow are rivers (And those are definitely very wet.), so her mane must be wet. (From showering of course.)
I return to my observation and... there! In the corner of my eye I see two mares walking away from the fountain and one of them has a tail that’s dripping, perfect. I jump from tree to tree with the grace of a cat (if a cat was a pony… and could fly) and follow them to a secluded part of the park.
I remain undetected.
And that was quite difficult (impossible for a lesser pony, I bet) those two were looking around real shifty-like, like they’re spies and they didn’t want to be followed or anything, but that didn’t stop me. (Although it did delay me quite a bit since I had to be completely sure they didn’t see me.)
I leap into the tree that’s right above them and take a peek at the pair. One of them (the wet one) is a blue unicorn, the other… is walking away. Drat, now I can’t find out if they were up to some super spy business.
The blue mare below me sighs. “Luckily nopony saw us here. I’d be in big trouble if word of this got out.”
I knew it! This is textbook espionage monologuing. (Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.) Getting involved any further can be incredibly dangerous, but I know how to handle spies. Besides, she’s the only pony so far that can help me find a shower and I really need to find one.
Here I go.
“I know your secret.” I say in my deepest, most dangerous sounding voice.
She jumps up and starts frantically looking around. “What? Who’s there? What do you know?”
She’s trying to throw me off, a clever spy trick. Some of the ponies in my battalion try the same tricks every time we play cards (and those only work because they promise me some of their bat treats), but I won’t be deceived this time.
“I know you’re wet.” I answer.
“Wet? What are you talking about?” She looks confused.
Another clever spy tactic, no doubt, she’s a foxy one. “Yes,” I answer. “I saw you with that other mare and I saw that you’re wet. Soaked, soggy, moist.”
Her eyes widen. “Oh Goddess, no. Please, you can’t tell anypony about this!”
Success! She tried to fool me, but I am Batsy Fluffentuft the Magnificent and I can see right through her inferior attempts of deception. I dance with danger every week (when Princess Luna gives all the guards their performance review) this is like a walk in the park for me.
Time to go for the jugular.
No, not literally, by the goddess, I’m not a lunatic. I’m just going to scare her a bit.
I jump out of the tree, bare my fangs and flare my wings in front of her. I’m still covered with dust and cobwebs that now have leaves sticking to them, so I’m even scarier than I was before. My intimidation is a grandiose success as the unicorn winces and then shrinks into a ball like a little kitten.
She has tears in her eyes. “Please, I’ll do anything.” Oh wow, I really scared her.
“Anything?” I ask.
She nods.
I’m being really thoughtful now, my mouth is quirked and I tap my hoof against my chin. “Well, I could use some help. Make me wet too.”
She stares at me (day ponies tend to do that it seems) and gets back on her hooves. “O-Okay, but not here. I can, uh, help you back at my place.”
I grin (but I hold it back so it’s not obvious). “Perfect!” I approach her and attempt to put a hoof around her, but she backs away and holds a hoof to her nose. (She must still be scared.) I take it as a compliment to my incredible skill.
“Don’t worry.” I tell her happily “Lead the way.”
A little walk (and a lot more stares from other ponies) later, we arrive at a door.
She opens the door with her magic. “My roommate won’t be home until late tonight, so we’ll be safe to do... whatever you want.”
I step inside.
She has a lot of nice things in her house. Probably because she’s a unicorn, not only do they get magic, (those cheaters) they also get to have a lot of nice things. One day everypony will appreciate how wondrous I am and then I will have all the nice things. I giggle at the thought.
“So…” she scratches the back of her neck. “What do you want to do?”
Alright, I’ve done it! Finally the culmination of my plan is at hoof. And who else to complete this otherwise impossible task but I, a truly genius batpony. All I have to do is ask one final question: “Where’s your shower?”
She recoils and then frowns, uh oh, is she angry? “My… shower? Is that what this was about? You wanted a shower?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
She sighs and puts a hoof on her chest. “Thank the goddess. It’s just up the stairs, second door on the left. You, uh, still won’t mention anything about what you saw in the park, right?”
“Sure, thanks!” Phew, I thought I was in trouble for a second there. Alright, up the stairs and second door on the—
“I thought you wanted to use the sex swing.”
I freeze on top of the stairs and turn.
This adventure has just gotten a lot better.