Big Macintosh shrugged his shoulders, unused to their bare state. Can't be tense. Wouldn't do for making a good impression. 'Sides I needa be nice 'n' loose so I can clobber her if she done wrong by Fluttershy. he thought to himself.
He double-checked on the hot-air balloon tethered to Dash's mailbox, then reached around to the back of the post stuck in the ground under the current location of the cloud-home above him, and pressed the small button there.
KA-ZAP! came the sound of the door-thunder (1). He stood, stoic as usual for less than a minute (apparently Dash had been napping) before Dash poked her head over the edge of the cloud. Her expression went from 'sleepy' to 'annoyed' in a split second.
"Hay, Big Mac! I've been wanting to talk to you!"
"Eeyup." he replied returning her annoyance just as strongly.
"Come on up." said Dash with a bit of a growl.
Mac got into the balloon basket, untied the rope and tossed out several sand-bags. It rose to the level of Dash's front 'lawn' and the mare tied it off with forced politeness. She led him into her house and closed the door behind him.
"Take a seat." she said, forming a small cushion out of the floor.
He did so. She sat down opposite him.
"Well, at least you realize you made a mistake." she said.
"How do ya mean?" he replied levelly.
Dash hovered up so her head was even with his ears. "Don't give me that! You made Fluttershy feel bad!"
"Seems tah me that you had a hoof in that too, so why don't you start out by tellin' me what ya think Ah did wrong?"
"I don't know! One minute she was telling me how awesome it was that you had asked her out, then the next minute she's running away telling me how sorry she is. I couldn't get anything out of her!"
"Ah invited her out to the orchard for a picnic lunch this Saturday. She didn't seem so sure, so I said she could bring Harry the Bear along if she thought it would make her feel better. Shoot, I said she could bring Angel too if she liked. That was it."
"So that orchard isn't like prime bucking territory or something?"
"Elyion no! Ah'm a gentlestallion. Ah spent hours pickin' out the perfect spot. Not too hidden, not too visible."
"So why not invite her to a restaurant like a normal stallion?" said Dash hovering up another few inches.
"Too public. She'd get embarrassed."
"So what was she all worked up about?"
"All Ah know is yesterday even she shows up at our door during dinner, in a right tizzy, saying how she is so sorry, but she made you a promise and Ah gotta get your permission."
"Permission?"
"Permission."
Rainbow Dash landed on her cushion again. "Look, maybe we got off on the wrong hoof here... but maybe not! Now let me think... the only promise I can think of is that she wouldn't let any stallion take advantage of her. So maybe she wants me to make sure of that? But then why would she..."
The red Stallion simply sat quietly.
"Promises... promises... promises... I got nothin'."
"Ya said she was real enthusiastic before she started apologizing to you?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Maybe she was nervous and wanted a way out?"
"Yeah, that doesn't quite add up... and besides which, if that's all it is then she's outta luck because there is no way I'm letting her get out of her first date ever just based on nerves." Dash said with a wicked grin. "I'll drag her there myself if I gotta! Well, maybe..."
"Ah think she's a wonderful Filly, but I ain't lookin' to go too big here. It's just a first date. Take things nice and slow, see where things lead. Might be good friends, might go no-where at all, might be somethin' more. Certain ain't gonna be anythin' that should be permanent, but ain't."
"So no contact to the teats or slit?" said Dash, phrasing it a little like a sports rule.
"Nope!! Nor the other way around."
"Well, not unless you got the rings on your hooves. Then you should go for it! Show her that Apple family stamina!" said Dash punching one fore-hoof into the air.
Big Macintosh blushed several shades more crimson and nopony said anything for a full minute. "Well, like Ah said, I ain't lookin' that far ahead." he finally said.
"Heh... fair warning she..." Dash trailed off, as realization dawned on her. Her cheeks puffed out, and her ears perked forward. She held it in for a few seconds then collapsed to the cloud below her, laughing her multicolored head off as she rolled helplessly back and forth.
Big Mac simply raised one eyebrow.
"She... oh man..." said Dash, standing up and wiping away a tear of laughter. "So... tell me... *Pfft! Hahahaha! Pfft!* how many... *Pffffft!* how many foals you figure on?"
"Well, like Ah said..."
"No seriously! *Hahahaha!* How many foals do you want?"
"Ah don't reckon that's rightly any of your business now." he answered, a bit of ire seeping back into his voice.
"No, it totally is... because *Pfft!*, Oh Fluttershy you silly filly!"
"Ah'm not sure this is 'xactly a laughing matter..."
"No, no! Its totally hilarious! Because she thinks... oh this is just too rich!"
"Hay now! This is just a first date 'n' all..."
Rainbow Dash sobered quickly... hardly instantly, but quickly enough.
"Look, would you say that Fluttershy can be a bit of a worry-wart?"
"Well..." Mac hedged.
"Yes or no?"
"Eeyup."
"Great, so, here's the deal. She's worried about something dumb. Its actually really sweet of her, but I can't in good conscience let you go on that date until I know I've got her back, so I can tell her with absolute 120% certainty that you and I got no beef on this thing. Any other mare it would you'd be right, but with her being who she is, I think we gotta humor her. So: How. Many. Foals. Do. You. Want?"
"Well, growin' up Ah always figured on 'least three, and then keep going if mah mare and Ah didn't have a colt and a filly by then. But that's just a colt's daydream. Won't know what Ah want until Ah get there and have the mare Ah marry to talk it over with proper-like."
"How about eight? Could ya do eight?"
"Well now... Ah just so happen to have brought along our ledger books, so if you wanted to look through them."
"Ledger books? What, like your bits? Why would I care about that?"
"Well, Ah'm kinda lost in the dark here, but it seemed tah me that you were wonderin' iffin' the Acres could support that many."
"Nah, nah, trust me. Bits for foals is the LAST thing you'll have to worry about... unless you're too proud to take charity or to give up a foal?"
"If I absolutely had tah, Ah guess Ah could do either for family, but Ah'd rather stay out of trouble in tha first place. Probably be charity, since I can't see Fluttershy givin' up a foal 'cept over her dead body, 'n' even then Ah don't know if Ah'd be too sure."
"Eh... well, you might be surprised. What if some of them weren't your's?"
"What, like adopting them in? Ah, guess I could see Fluttershy wantin' to do that. But all Ah'll say is iffin' their living under our roof 'n' care, then they'd be ours, no questions about it. Family is bigger than just bloodlines."
"And what about adopting out one's she carried and maybe even nursed a bit?"
"Ah'd not let anyone hurt her like that... not if there was any other way, and you said that bits wouldn't be a problem so..."
"No, bits wouldn't be a problem, and... well, just between you and me, I think we could avoid any problem at all... but don't you dare tell her that. If she needs to be told then I'll be the one to do it."
"What's all this about anyway?"
"Hold on a sec." Rainbow Dash got up and zoomed away to a different part of the house. Various crashing and banging noises could be heard, despite the soft nature of the structure and most of its contents. She streaked back.
"Wait a second... I got another question! What if none of them were earth ponies? Would you be okay with that?"
"Well... Ah'd... Nope! No problem there! I got two sisters. And iffin' they don't end up providin' hooves for the land by the time we're all old and gray, I guess we could just sell off the orchards to kinfolk to have something worth leaving to our foals. Not that that's likely at all."
"No, I guess its not likely. Applejack's too responsible, and one of these days Applebloom is probably going to decide she wants a colt, and then... well, Elyon save that colt from your wrath. Because... nope! Never mind!"
"Spit it out."
"No, my mouth was just flapping away from my brain."
"Say it." said Big Macintosh dangerously.
Dash shrank back a little. No! Don't look down! Gotta keep my eyes on him in case he tries to kill me for saying this."Well... okay... just remember that you asked for it... I just had this image of 'Bloom as the bride at a pitchfork wedding (2) pop into my head. She uh... well, she's a Crusader and all but I'm sure she'd never take it that far!"
Big Macintosh glared at her for a few seconds. Then his face broke into an amused grin. "Sure enough that's an image to give the good Princess Luna some extra work tonight, but you're right, she ain't that stupid."
Dash finally allowed herself to look away to the side. She rubbed the back of her mane nervously. "So uh... yeah... foals that aren't yours by blood, maybe lots of them... and you might get unlucky and they would ALL be pegasi instead of just most. Let me think..."
Macintosh spoke up. "Well, actually now, it occurs to me... 'long as were being all frank and such, Ah guess Ah should mention that havin' a bunch uh wings in the family could save us a few bits, not that Ponyville's rain prices are unfair, 'n' that ain't your department anyway. Still, the more yah can keep within the family... 'n' if we got a bunch of them I guess we could swap around too... 'specially if some of em where adopted 'n' could marry a distant cousin or somethin'. You ain't got a problem with that do ya?"
"What? Nah, as long as the foals aren't going to come out with five legs and there's enough spread between who raised who that it gives two sides to any big fights that come up between a couple, I guess it would be alright by me. I mean its weird, but no weirder than... well, give me a minute to make sure I got all my clouds in position before I start the shower." said Dash.
"Hold up a sec..." said Big Macintosh as he made a connection. "The eugenics laws only go up to four, 'n' 'sides, even if Celestia made an exception, I don't think she'd require her to use a donor if she had a husband. She's a special mare alright, but far as the law is concerned its gotta be all 'bout her voice and her eyes, right?"
"Eh, about that... can you keep a secret?"
"I think so, but I ain't makin' no Pinkie Promise 'til I got some idea what I'm keeping secret."
"Ehhhh.... good enough I guess. I'll trust your judgement on whether it should be a secret... wait, you don't drink hard cider do you? Because if your gob gets opened on account of that, I ain't tellin' you nothin'."
"Nah, I never been that drunk in my life and ain't starting... not salt neither."
"Good enough! I think you are correct about it being about The Stare and her abilities with animals.
"Anyway Celestia never asked her and probably never will. Fluttershy wants foals too badly to need any prompting let alone a brood mare order. If Celestia said 'two' Fluttershy would go 'six' just to make sure out of nerves that she'd raise them all wrong, or they wouldn't be able to fly at all. Or, well, if she ends up with an earth pony that they would be too weak to stand or some such nonsense. Who knows what she'd fret about if she marries a unicorn, but she'd find something."
"That she would."
"But... this isn't about HER breeding order."
"Okay."
"Just one sec." Dash streaked off again. Big Macintosh could faintly hear her voice coming from upstairs, interspersed with an even wider variety of noises than last time (3). "No... No... No... Not that either... Ick! That's disgusting? What even IS this?... Argh! Where did I put it. Tank, withdrawn into his shell shot through the ceiling, carromed off a wall and then went flying down the length of a shelf full of trophies, sending them flying, and emmitting the strangely artificial sounding sequence of noises that turtle (or in this case tortoise) shells progress through when sending a line of objects flying. Who would glue together a bunch of donuts in the shape of my hind legs? I mean Pinkie Pie obviously, but that's weird, even for her. I'd be worried if she included the area between them, but... right she didn't so nothing to worry about. Moving on. Oh, got it!
She returned, and tossed him a set of forms stapled together. "Look in the 'Character References' section."
Big Mac flipped through the forms as Dash retrieved Tank and squeezed the top and bottom of his shell to make his limbs and head pop out. "You okay little buddy?"
By the time Tank had finished nodding Big Mac had found the appropriate section. "Eeyup?".
"So do you notice anything about Fluttershy's section?"
"Nope. Only thing filled on the whole thing is Scootaloo's name under 'Name of foal you wish to apply to adopt'."
"What? Scoot's isn't an orphan. I've been to her house! Ugh... sorry, wrong form. Pinkie Pie manages to be random even when she's not actually here... Sometimes I worry about that mare. Trying to tell me she's an orphan...not even funny." said Dash as she stomped off, raising little puffs of her floor with each hoofstep.
This time only the faint sound of rustling paper could be heard... well, if you didn't count the crickets chirping. Big Macintosh went outside and very gingerly looked over the edge of the house in several places.
"Where are you Big Mac?"
"Ah'ma comin'."
"Where did you go?" she asked when as he closed the door behind him.
"Heard crickets. Could ya check to make sure that Fluttershy hasn't brought some here? I'd hate to have her overhear part of a conversation."
"Good thinking." she said, hoofing him a much more battered sheaf of papers, this one bearing the insignia of the Wonderbolts. "All filled out and ready to go for when I get the offer!"
And out of date. he noted internally as she went to check for yellow pegasi in the vicinity.
He had just found the page that contained Fluttershy's contact information when she returned.
"So, do you get it now?"
"Give me a sec." he said, as he scanned carefully through it. Race: Pony, Phenotype:Pegasus, Address: 100 Everfree Road, Ponyville, Equestria, Security Clearance: Civilian (That's something else she's gonna have to adjust when she re-does this... I guess? Bah... none of my business), Criminal Record: All forgiven without penalty, but as follows- (Okay, really none of my business). "What am I supposed to be looking for?"
"Keep looking, you will know it when you see it."
"Seems a mite personal."
"Oh, right! Sorry!" said Dash, snatching back the forms. "Well, basically... hold on."
She flipped through the worn pages, then pointed with a hoof.
"Sex: Female, Brood Mare: Yes. 'N' then her signature 'n' the uh... date..."
Dash missed the hint "So yeah... Fluttershy is gonna be one of my brood mares."
"Ah think Ah'm startin' to get the picture, but Ah'm still a mite confused."
"Okay, so, its like this: I've wanted to be a Wonderbolt since, like forever. And I've known Fluttershy about that long too. And a mare can't get into the Wonderbolts without at least two mares willing to sign on as brood mares for her."
"Why's that?"
"Well, okay, the Wonderbolts are awesome, right?"
"Eeyup."
"And so you have to be totally awesome to become a Wonderbolt, right?"
"Eeyup."
"So just getting into the Wonderbolts pegs you for a mandatory foal, and one more if you make it a year, then another at three and five. I've never asked for a rating, but I've gotta be a four-foaler already, right? Fluttershy too, naturally."
"Makes sense."
"But being too pregnant is no good for flying."
"Eeyup."
"So it is actually a bit of a dark mark on your record if you carry the foal to term."
"I don't know if I cotton to that..."
"Eh, it won't get you kicked out, but it might cost you a promotion or something."
"Just don't seem right to deny a mare..."
"Look, that's beside the point here. Mail a letter to Canterlot Castle, or maybe talk to Twilight about it if it bugs you that much. Point is, I'm fine with it for myself."
"Eeyup."
"Anyway, they teleport your egg into your broodmare. And then they go with the old sperm cup through the passing slot between the two breeding rooms thing... unless you just got a bit carried away or a condom broke or whatever, in which case you can opt for a first moon fetal teleportation."
"Never liked that one... too risky for the foal."
"Eh... maybe, but probably less dangerous than being inside a Wonderbolt."
"So... her husband would be tipping another Stallion's seed into her from a cup?" (4)
"Well, if she goes through with it... I'd let you use your own, but... I mean, if he's awesome enough to catch my eye then it would probably be for the best, right? Then again, you are pretty awesome too. I mean I might even maybe be interested if it weren't for the fact that... well, I prefer my romance high and fast. Err... high airspeeds, not getting serious quick although I guess... eh! Never mind.
Anyway, I wouldn't hold Fluttershy to that... meaning being my brood mare in the first place. It was just this thing she said she'd do when I got into the Wonderbolts. Actually, let me make a note before I forget. Now where is a pencil?" She said flitting rapidly around the room.
"Ah got one out in the balloon if you like..."
"Yeah... probably easiest... I mean I keep most things looking nice around here, but, seriously, who needs a pencil that often? A pen? Sure. But a pencil? Nah..."
(One pencil later.)
Rainbow Dash wrote in 'Scootaloo?' in one of the blanks for 'Non-character-reference brood-mare'. "Can't be forgetting my biggest fan!"
"She's a mite young." Big Macintosh said, narrowing his eyes at Dash in disapproval and confusion.
"Yeah, but EVENTUALLY, right? She could probably even... actually, that brings me to my next thing. Fluttershy's got first priority, but being her, she also was insisting that her's be the one's I raise with whatever lucky stallion I pick. So, if she sticks to that, you might need to give them up."
"Whoa now! I think you're forgettin' this is just a first date again!"
"That's me, always going fast! But seriously... just for the sake of argument, let's pretend you are more serious than that. It would set her mind at ease, and that's good for her, good for you, and good for me."
"Well, as long as it is just a hypothetical..."
"Yeah, so could you tip a cup into... well, let's just say 'into your wife', rather than naming any names? And then give the foal up?"
"Ah reckon Ah could if the right mare were insisting on it. Maybe even if she wasn't insisting too hard... Ah mean I've helped raise Applebloom and even Applejack a bit, but Ah reckon its a whole different world when its a foal what came out of the mare you dedicated your life to."
"Heh... well, remember, we could always shoot for fraternal twins... flip a coin to see who gets which one."
"There's solutions and options I guess. Don't need to get too far down that rabbit-hole. Just need to have enough so we can honestly say she wouldn't be doing you any harm by going out with me a few times... give it a moon or two 'n' then then re-assess if we need to."
"Sure, sure. I'm gonna have plenty of fans who would pounce at the chance, it isn't like I'm gonna have to use her. It's just that it means a lot to HER, and I know she's up to it in whichever path it flies."
"Sounds about right..."
"Oh... one small detail, as long as you are here and we are talking about this..."
A rush of air and she was straddling his neck, her lower legs where his draft-collar usually rested, and her fore-legs squeezing his head. Her powerful wings gripping halfway between the two. He bucked wildly, but Dash wasn't a blackbelt for nothing.
"Hurt her, and you will never see me coming. Got it pal?"
Big Macintosh rolled once in a panic, but Dash fine-tuned her pegasus magic, overcoming the anti-theft solidity properties of the floor, and passed through it like it was empty air. He stood, calmer now.
"Eeyup."
She flitted off, twisting forward over his ears so she hovered in front of him upside down. "Good, now that that's taken care of..." She rolled in place hovering upright now " Go get her big guy! Seriously, whatever happens tonight on that date, it will be good for her!"
"Ah hope so... and by the way... Ah'm takin' your warnin' plenty serious, and Ah won't hold it against you grabbin' me like that goodness knows I've crushed some gemstones and invited Applejack's coltfriends to imagine it was their head. But in my particular case it don't 'xactly change much. Even if Ah got sore tempted in that direction, despite being the stallion Ah am, it would just be a matter of if you happened to catch wind of any hanky-panky before AJ did." he said, looking into her eyes with complete sincerity.
"Heh... good point. So... you need any tips?"
"Well, there is one point Ah'm a mite uncertain of... Should Ah cook fer her, get AJ to do it, or buy somethin' in town?"
"Hmmm... tough one! Definitely not something from town. She likes AJ's cooking just fine, but it might mean more... Eh, you should help Applejack out. Do as much of it as you can, but not enough that you risk taking it down a notch, know what I mean?"
"Eeyup!"
"Oh, and watch out for Angel Bunny if she brings him, and that goes double for if she doesn't bring him... shoot, I may just overwatch you two from a cloud or behind a tree or something. Of course, you could totally handle him, but Fluttershy would take it better if I do it."
"So you think he'll have it in for me?"
"Hard to tell with that bunny. He's the jealous sort, but he genuinely cares for her. I've actually got a ten bit bet with Applejack on if he'll be the ringbearer or try to geld the groom with his teeth when Fluttershy walks down the aisle. Twilight's in on it too, but she's put her money on 'neither of the two'."
"Heh... ya should tell Rarity tah make ah note that whoever she ends up with will need a steel codpiece hidden in the tuxedo pants, just to see the look on her face..."
"Yeah, that would be priceless! She'd make such a fuss... and then she'd secretly make the note anyway, because she likes to have everything PERFECT."
"Well, look's like Ah got ah date tah get ready for."
"That you do!"
"See yah." said Mac and walked out, gently shutting the door behind him.
Footnotes:
(1) Like a doorbell, but for cloud-homes.
(2) In the very few situations where it comes up, Equestrians use pitchforks for this situation rather than a shotgun.
(3) Noises omitted for clarity.
(4) Equestrian artificial insemination mageo-technology is very advanced, especially considering how uncommon it is for such most such advances to actually get used. The "husband of recipient tips a cup" method is very basic at its core.