What the Heck

by Zytharros


Do Not Expect Cohesion

This is an intro. Not a good intro, but it’s an intro, nonetheless. It is an intro about a tree. A tree named Fluttershy, who was part seaweed. This tree who was part-seaweed named Fluttershy was eating a foot. Not a meaty foot, no, because Fluttershy doesn’t eat meat. What were you thinking? This foot was made of brohoof. Don’t ask how it was made of brohoof. I have no idea. I’m just writing whatever comes to mind. Regardless, this tree who was part-seaweed named Fluttershy was eating a totally non-meaty foot made of brohoof, and that’s that. So there.

“What a chocolate day,” Fluttershy declared, ending her sentence with an uptick of a question mark, and accenting every ‘c’ as if she’s pronouncing façade.

She heard a sounds coming up the road. It was as if a pony was walking on a piano. She soon spied over the edge of forever the coming visage of her good parakeet asparagus friend Twilight Sparkle and her idiot hamstring doppelganger Twlot Spokl. They combined into Badass Twilight Spokl from that one Equestria Daily picture that had her looking like she was covered in armor with a giant scythe. She decided to speak with Rarity’s voice.

“Don’t I look smashing?” she asked, spinning her scythe around and laughing maniacally.

“No,” Fluttershy said. “You look scary…” She shifted to speak like Applejack. “…an’ Ah’m gonna kick yer ass!!”

Twilight attacked with the King of Clubs because I forgot to tell you they had decided to play checkers on a pizza to settle their argument. Bon-Bon was there and she was playing cards with herself, but that’s completely besides the pint… a pint of cider. Which Bon-Bon was drinking. Supplied by Appletini. Who was fighting with a cobra in the background.

Fluttershy counterattacked with King to J-6 and a Lyra to the FACE! Unfortunately, Rainbow Crash got in the way, crashing into Rainbow Dash who ate the pizza Fluttershy and Twilight Spokl were fighting on. This destroyed all motivation for them to fight, so Fluttershy’s hair poofed out and she became Pinkie Pie. Then they had a massive party and the world blew up. Appletini was still fighting that cobra. Whenshe defeated that cobra, the world blew up again. No, Appletini isn’t a wench. I just forgot to put a space in between when and she. Deal.

“Okay,” you say, tossing cards out like a professional poker dealer… a very confused, distraught and maybe bewildered poker dealer high on beer.

Everyone at the table, which was shaped like a doughnut, received 366 cards. Divided by the square root of nine, it made Rarity appear and caused a third explosion. In your butt.

Yeah, I went there.

So Mega Man appeared and rebuilt all the worlds that were destroyed in 2,495,676,809,228 years. Pinkie Pie divided by zero, erased all his work, and started kissing Derpy. It soon got too hot and heavy for this author, so he made them stop and had them lick ice cream instead. Unfortunately, that also got too hot and heavy for the author, so he stopped them and threw Pinkie Pie into a party bus. She survived, but her hair needed to be re-mixed and turned into Vinyl Scratch.

So now we have a Pinkie Pie with Vinyl Scratch as her hair. She sits in a room, staring at a wall, multiplying by negative bajillions, and painting the room all manner of her face. She stops being random. She just stops… being… altogether.

Except for Vinyl Scratch, who gives you the coolest thing you could ever want from her. I’m not going to write what that is… so you just let your sick, twisted mind wander into whatever fantasy land you envision and let me wander into mine and we’ll be all fine. Let me put this jacket on you and…

Turn you into a newt!

…Crap. You got better.

In 10 seconds flat.

How!? This is my story!

Oh well, it is my mind, after all. 20% cooler references make my story the Bert night ever. Bert, get out of that sentence. I was supposed to write best.

Scootaloo says “BAGAWK” and “fuhgeddaboutit…” transforming into Al Pacino with a lit cigar in his mouth. Somehow, this freaks nopony in Ponyville out, except that blasted, annoying original character that buzzes around here every so often… Where’s the Raid when you need it…? Geez, those things are like friggin’ insects…

Al Pacino does the can-can, then multiplies Vinyl Scratch by Pinkie Pie and restores the world, logic, and whatever insane concepts scientists come up with, eating a plate of spaghetti along the way and uncovering a Changeling who takes his visage. They fight to the death, but because the Changeling can’t handle the truth its brain asplode and it sends fragments of chocolate all over the world.

Badass Twilight returns and shocks everyone with a Wonderbolt. Ash Ketchum comes out. No, seriously… he does. Twice. The second time everyone averts their eyes… because when he came out he really did…

Moving on, we see a bubble-fish and an Apple Bloom turning leaves their different colours for the Running of the Leaves. In the background, we see Badass Twilight end Ash’s life… why, we’ll never know. It may have been that lunatic Lickitung that one time, but whatever.

Pinkie Pie charges no rent for letting Vinyl Scratch live in her hair, with all her sound equipment. However, her apartments are luxurious and filled with parties. She’ll likely charge you a hoof and a paw… maybe a tail as well.

And then someone said “Zeeky Boogy Doog!!” and the world exploded again.

But it was fixed when Sigma appeared, causing Armored Armadillo to fall madly in love with Trixie. They had foals, kids, dingbats and dinosaurs, expressing great interest in having but being unable to produce a Rainbow Dash that loved a sink. So Captain Falcon used his Falcon Paunch and drop-kicked Bruce Lee into a Turkmenistani individual who shouted something about being a brony.

He was promptly swatted by a large flyswatter that crushed all of Equestria, but Vinyl Scratch used her Bass Cannon to save the day and restore the world.

And everyone had tea and crumpets and their fill of “Jolly good”s until the next Pinkie Pie Tornado struck the world.