They are a not a hero. They are far from it.
That's what makes it fun.
“Alright. Now what?” Scout questioned his all-knowing mind. However, his all-knowing mind was currently on lunch break and would not be flying until Scout decided on something. He had something important to do…but what was it?
Scout scratched his head with the edge of his hoof. And then it hit him. “Ow! Where the hell did that stick come from?! Oh wait… that’s not a stick. That’s a branch. Wait, why do I care?”
“Oh wait! I need to stop being a pony! That’s right! Screw you, pony body that is still amazingly sexy since you belong to me! I need hands! And chicken! Fried.” Scout immersed himself in just being able to listen to his sweet, sweet voice continue to talk. “Like seriously, my only supply of chicken was filled with frikin’ daisies. Why can’t they be roses? At least then, I could stab people with ‘em.”
Now…if I were a magic spell that could turn an amazingly handsome pony into a blindingly sexy human, where would I be? Well, I probably wouldn’t exist, no other blindingly sexy human ever existed, obviously. But… if Scout were to turn back my own clock, it would probably be at the giant castle built in the frikin’ mountain. They have a overwatch over the entire place, right?
Like, seriously, who builds a frikin’ castle…wait, scratch that, a frikin’ city on a mountain?! What happens if there’s a landslide? There ain’t enough Scouts in the world to heroically rescue every girl in the place and proceed to bang them.
“Now. The fastest way would be through that super dark forest that clearly lost its well-lit hot mom and the clear way would probably be dem train tracks I saw earlier.” Scout never needed to say this aloud. He knew the answer. He had dat need for speed, after all. Wait, no he didn’t. Scout already had that speed. People that needed it had to beg on their knees to him for it.
Swinging his backpack around, elegantly over his damaged wings, Scout ruffled through its contents. “Gun? Nope. Other gun? Nope. Bat? Nope. Cat photo? W-what the f*ck? I’m burning dat. Picture of my ma and Spy? Burning half of it. Matches? Crap, I don’t have matches. Oh, there's what I'm looking fo'! I think?”
Scout took out a couple of robotic shoes…like he couldn’t call him horseshoes since they don't look like…well, horseshoes. These looked like what horses would have for gloves. If said gloves were mechanical and glowing menacingly.
“Two hyper-power runnin’ shoes and one grappling hook gauntlet. Good thing all of my stuff decided to become pony stuff. Wait, f*ck. I have four of these things now…” Scout dangled one of his hooves in front of him, too awesome to wince at the pain of it being broken in around 5 places and fractured around double that number.
Scout blinked twice. “Ah, screw it.” Scout used his broken right forehoof to attach the grappling gauntlet onto his left forehoof and jumped his hind legs straight into shoes. It did not take him four tries. No one said that.
Struggling to balance on only his back hooves, Scout grumbled, “Stupid pony body…stupidly sexy stupid pony body.” After correcting himself on the few occasions that Scout was wrong, where the only one that could say that Scout was wrong was Scout himself.
Scout cracked his dumb pony neck. “Let’s do dis.” Tapping the side of one of the mechanical shoes, a whirring sound rung signifying its activation. “So do these still wor-AHHH!”
Scout was caught off-guard by how ridiculously fast he was, hell he could even surprise himself sometimes. He also certainly did not care about how his forehooves were having trouble with the high speed and were dangling by his sides. It took a lot of effort to keep those fat sexy things in line.
At least, for anyone that wasn’t Scout. Scout could handle everything. That broken twig? Scout could step on it. Boom. Wood has no chance against awesomeness. That tree over there? Scout can punch it. He won’t, but he could! The odd leaf pile in front of him that looked like a gardener purposefully put it there? Bang! Scout ran through it.
“Grrr…” Wait, did he just hear something? Nah, it was nothing. At least it was until Scout heard barking behind him!
“Wah-wood dog?! Oh wait…wood dogs?!” Scout double-backed his statement as the leaf pile he ran through dispersed revealing two previously sleeping dogs that were currently chasing after his sexy ass.
‘Wait…if they’re wood…then does that mean?’ Scout thought to himself before making a complete 180 degree turn to run himself straight at the enemy.
Scouts be warned. Only if you’re this awesome does this strategy work. And that means never.
Scout kicked the leg off of one of the timberwolves, and controlled his flailing arm just long enough to grab it out of the air. And then Scout used his brilliant idea.
“Fetch!” Scout reeled back his forehoof and launched the twig…wolf…thing leg. Arm? Whatever. Anyway, he threw it with the strength of an Olympian champion.
After it landed five feet away from him, Scout turned back to witness wood dog stupidity. Instead, his snout almost got bit off in its entirety. ‘Okay, then. Fetch does not work on wolves made out of the things that dogs fetch.’
Scout looked around frantically to find a way to save himself from a beatin’. Normal people would think that they would die. But who gives a shit? He’s a Scout, dammit.
Finding tracks in the ground, with flat prints without any frikin’ claw marks, Scout decided to follow them to their owner(s), and just dump off his problem. It worked with his past several one girlfriends before.
Stepping alongside the tracks, with several prints being made and fairly close together means that it was a pack of ‘em or that it was just one dude moving at the opposite of Scout’s pace. That means slow, people.
Losing the tracks momentarily, no seriously, Scout lost track of the tracks that were the only thing really going to save him. It ain’t like he’s a Tracer or anything. Wait…tracker. That’s the word. How did he get that mixed up?
Running back, which Scout immediately realized it was a mistake to do so, and that he should cut himself in punishment. Or somebody else. Yeah, somebody else definitely deserved it more than he did.
Anyway, it was a mistake because those two timberwolves was now a dozen. Or a baker’s dozen. What’s the difference between those again? Screw bakers, they don’t deserve special treatment. So Scout was currently running away from a Scout’s dozen worth of timberwolves.
However, with the passing moments, with Scout’s amazing predictive ability and not dumb luck in any way, Scout relocated the tracks in the ground. Although they were wet now for some reason, if the mud he was currently stomping around in was any indication. So they were fresh. Scout totally thought that from the start. It didn’t take a minute of wading through mud to think it.
“Oh, I’m sure it’ll grow back quickly. Judging by the amount I gave, it should only take around half of a month or so, and until then, I could try all new styles with a shorter tail!” A voice rang out to Scout's immediate satisfaction.
‘Found them. Suckers. So what species is it gonna be now? Zebra? Lion? Nerd?’ Scout thought as he continued to run like the not-sissy he was away from the timberwolves.
“Incoming!” Scout yelled out to alert the presence of his almighty. And then he realized that his predictions were wrong. Except the last one. One of those six was definitely that.
Making it a purpose to gather as much grunting noises as he could and bump into every single one of them, especially the rainbow one, Scout ran past all of them. “So that’s what you sound like! Prissy and whiney, just like the rest of ‘em!”
Before any of them could retort or question it, Scout took the opportunity to talk even more, “Oh, and those are your problem now! Have fun!”
Scout waved his hoof back at them as he could hear a Southern accent yell out ‘Timberwolves!’, confirming the name of the wooden toaster wolves.
‘Heh, easy game, easy life.’ Scout thought to himself as he kept running in a straight line, although he contemplated whether or not he should be going in the same direction as those stupid ponies. Weren’t they doing something? Ah, Scout doesn’t need to know the unimportant crap.
What Scout does need to know is the giant frikin’ cliff that was now getting in view! Trying, failing, to reach the emergency break with his dumb hooves. Scout realized there was only one thing left to do against the cliff.
Turn.
However, that completely didn’t work and instead he tripped on a twig. God f*cking dammit. Rolling at incredible speeds straight to the precipice, Scout attempted to regain control and his sanity. He was screaming like a little girl. That played with ponies. God f*cking karma.
Right before the brink of the cliff, Scout managed to stand himself straight using his broken front hooves, but was unable to stop his momentum. However, using his amazing quick wit, Scout launched himself straight into the air using those hooves in a perfect 45 degree angle.
‘Yeah! F*ck you, karma! I follow no rules!’ Scout praised himself as he flew in the air, without the assistance of his torn wing. And he was about to nail the-
Wall.
Slowly sliding down the cliff edge, and drifting into unconsciousness, at a very, very slow pace, Scout thought to himself, ‘F*ck, I need pancakes in the morning.’
He slid down five feet. Scout’s mind was currently deciding to go on strike. He slid down fifteen feet. Oh, there goes his vision. He slid down thirty feet. Scout was now completely numb of pain. He slid down fifty feet. F*ck, why wasn’t he unconscious already? He slid down 100 feet… about… god… damn… time… wait… what’s… a… Pinkie… promise………………
Time passed. Like, maybe five minutes… or ten. Which one of you readers could honestly give a shit. Here, have a cute chipmunk.
Chucklenuts stopped himself. Suddenly, he felt like murdering someone by tearing their eyes out and forcing them down someone else’s throat to suffocate them and then proceed to give the first person the blame so he would end on death row and get guillotined so that he could slowly chuckle away as their head rolled on the hard surface.
Okay…here’s an awesome squirrel?
Chucklenuts no longer felt like murdering somebody. Now, rape and/or assault would do. Chucklenuts banged away at his newly found walnuts, to go ahead and eat them. Obviously. For some reason, there were also a bunch of other food stuffs for animals in the area as well. And there was a nice small creek in front of the house he was currently enjoying himself at.
Chucklenuts even managed to find some carrots in a bowl outside that labeled for an angel. Chucklenuts chuckled. Yeah, f*ck God and religion. He had nuts. But what Chucklenuts did with the carrots was proceed to throw them all away but one of them. Which he took a nice long piss on. If Scout taught him anything other than sweet murder, is sweet torture. And how not to get laid.
Chucklenuts threw away the carrots initially because it wasn’t like he was going to eat ‘em. So screw whoever does right? Carrots have no flavor anyway, so the one he left should have plenty of flavor.
Chucklenuts’s ears twitched as he heard something approaching. Lazily bobbing his head forward, Chucklenuts eyes met with a white bunny.
And he looked pissed. And way more intense than the one Chucklenuts took earlier. Maybe.
Jolting awake, Scout found that he was currently being electrocuted like hell. Holy shit!
Scout quickly crashed his hooves with Engineer’s tools on them against the wall, hard enough that the metal tore about and his hooves were free from electrocution. ‘Wait, did those things just defibrillate me from death?!’
Note from one of the co-authors: He was not dead at any point. He is merely in incredible pain.
Scout was in incredible pain. The consequence of bashing his hindhooves into the wall was finally catching up to him. Oh and dropping a hundred and a half feet hurt a whole bunch, too. Not as much if he wasn’t sliding alongside the wall the whole time. Hooray, physics. Scout didn’t feel like breaking ‘em this time.
But now, he was stuck on a tiny ledge, on a cliff and it still led even further downward. Wow, what a sight he must have been. A sexy, handsome, extremely muscular pony that was bruised, cut, and broken in so many places. Honestly, Scout was considering just killing himself at that moment. Maybe he would’ve just respawned… maybe the radius of the machine could pick him up all the way from here.
Scout hated that he knew he wasn’t dreaming at the moment. The slow and painful agony he was currently in, eyesight still clouded with red, was so different from the adrenaline that was keeping him from the pain in his run through the forest. It was so nice to be rushing. Now, it just feels like he was at a standstill.
No end in sight. If his sight ever decided to get clear of his blood. Scout couldn’t really move much to wipe his own eyes away, and the pain was keeping him from blinking. Huh, who knew that if you were in enough pain… blinking doesn’t really become a concern? Or was he just dying?
The rock that was supporting his head crumbled away, and Scout felt his head bob backwards without enough energy to keep it up. Guess even rocks can’t handle the weight of some of Scout’s awesome thoughts.
Scout was still bragging. Yeah, weird, right? But it kept him going. That thought that he was the best was the only thing keeping him from just giving up at the moment.
So Scout did what Scout did best. Ha! Look at that muscled hoof! Flex it. So much more muscle that Scout wasn’t surprised there wasn’t already a hot girl attached to it. Carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, Scout felt like a hero! No, he was a hero! Wiping away all the blood from his eyes, letting the blood of champions fall into the abyss that no matter how bottomless couldn’t take all of his awesomeness as well as Scout already could. And-
Wait…is that a f*cking bridge. Is that a f*cking bridge? Is that a f*cking bridge?! Oh, f*ck him. Scout couldn’t express it enough. Was he that blind that he couldn’t spot a f*cking bridge?! Nah, man, nah… he was just too god damn stupid to notice a f*cking bridge!
Now he’s just in a f*king hole. God f*ck him and this hole. Scout bet that b*tch Gaia f*cking put this hole on her earth literally for God to f*ck it. There was a bridge, dammit!
‘Y-you know what?! F*ck that bridge!’ Scout lifted his grappling hook equipped left forehoof straight towards the end of the bridge he was closest to and aimed slightly above it.
Launching the hook, with a perfect arc to it so that it tangled itself onto the ledge. Reeling it in, Scout completely ignored all of the pain he was currently in to get himself onto the cliff’s edge. When he finally reached it, Scout rolled himself onto the ground.
If he wasn’t so pissed, Scout would’ve humbled himself for once to kiss the sweet ground. But he was pissed. Because there a f*cking bridge. Crawling over to the post that the bridge was tied to, Scout used the grappling hook to cut away at the string that was tying it. Which actually was a really shitty knot now that he thought about it, what kind of bridge-making pony would tie it this badly?! It’s a f*cking bridge. It’s like some amateur just went like, ‘I’m in hurry so this is how I’m gonna f*cking tie this f*cking bridge.’
Scout crawled over to the second post, and pulled on one of the strings and watched as the entire knot unraveled with ease. Who’s the stupid idiot that thought this was a good knot. Someone would’ve been killed, and it wouldn’t be by him!
Scout watched as the bridge flopped back into the giant chasm and observed the post on the other end of the cliff stay sturdy. See, apparently the person on that side of the f*cking bridge actually cared that it was f*cking bridge.
Ah. Scout felt good. Screw that f*cking bridge.
Oh wait. PAIN. SO MUCH PAIN. OH GOD, THE PAIN. Screw Naruto! Why aren’t you here now?! PAINNNNNNNNN! Scout would flail around in pain if he wasn’t in so much pain. But he was in pain. Lots and lots of pain. He couldn’t take this pain, dammit! Can he take a smaller loan?! This is too much pain for Scout. And Scout could take a lot. Ya hear that, ladies!
Ugh. Pain. Scout was currently on that stage of immense pain where he just accepted he was in immense pain. Pain~. Pain~~~~~~. Is there another word for pain~~~? Pain~~~~~~. Scout would be crying in pain right now but too much of his liquids were taken for his immense blood loss which was another reason for his pain~.
The pain felt like Scout stubbed his toe. On a nail. A really sharp and rusted nail. That was also on fire. And it stabbed his everywhere. Pain. When is Scout going to stop complaining about pain? When he feels like it, dammit! PAIN.
Suddenly, Scout realized that he was probably hallucinating. Because of pain. Because he felt his bag open when he as grappled upward, when his wing got caught onto the zipper (Which caused pain), and for some reason his stupid unicorn hat was on his chest now. Did he for some reason think that imagining a hat come out of his bag would help him?! Huh?! Pain!
Wait, his hoof was attached to the unicorn hat. And that hoof was currently covered in sticky blood. Wow, that’s a lot of pain that Scout suddenly felt. So maybe it just randomly happened to have the dumb unicorn hat stuck to his hoof.
Wait, nope. Scout was hallucinating. There was a rainbow coming out from that broken house over there. And it was pouring itself straight at him. Scout would move because screw rainbows but he was in too much pain to care. So he just watched as the rainbow poured straight through his unicorn hat and through his chest.
Scout almost felt bliss when he began to black out. It felt like his pain was being washed away as he blacked out. But Scout realized that maybe he shouldn’t be calling it blacking out.
Because god damn, it was colorful.
Twilight blinked.
Twilight blinked again.
Applejack honestly blinked.
Rarity fancily blinked.
Fluttershy shyly blinked.
Pinkie Pie decided in all of her power to not blink but just be surprised.
Rainbow Dash blinked in rapid succession.
“Well. That was…....um... okay.” Nightmare Moon looked as the rainbow produced by the Elements of Harmony went out the window.
Oh, and Nightmare Moon blinked.
They fought off a bunch of timberwolves due to a certain asshole. Twilight had just made a really nice speech about friendship and stuff. And then Twilight saw as the Elements of Harmony manifested. And that they shot an epic, giant rainbow at Nightmare Moon.
And then Nightmare Moon dodged it. She just kinda teleported to the right a few feet. And the Rainbow of Harmony bounced. Like a basketball. And went straight out of one of the two windows behind Nightmare Moon.
“This is a bit awkward.” Pinkie deadpanned in the awkward silence.
Twilight thought that for a giant rainbow power, it would have better tracking.
“Yes, considering this didn’t work the last time.” Nightmare Moon said, remembering that when she dodged it before against her fight against Celestia eons ago, that accursed rainbow tracked her across the world before it finally caught up and imprisoned her. For the minute or two, Nightmare Moon stood prepared for its return to try and attach itself to her. But it never came back.
Now, there was just an awkward silence. Nightmare Moon almost didn’t want to move in case that Rainbow of Harmony was somehow playing a prank and was waiting to sucker punch when she went on the offensive.
The new bearers of the Elements of Harmony also were kinda just silent. They activated a really sincere power with a really nice speech. And then the rainbow just bounced outside the window. Some of them were tempted to chase after it as if it were a baseball that landed in the neighbor’s yard.
But they just kinda stood there. Because… it really was awkward. Like, no jokes here. Too many ponies just being dumbfounded at the moment.
Another two minutes passed before the silence was broken again.
By maniacal laughing! Nightmare Moon began to revel that maybe the Rainbow of Harmony’s properties were affected due to the new bearers! Or maybe the Rainbow of Harmony felt as if there was something more important to do?! Like freeing Celestia! It would be easy enough to put her back!
The bearers looked at each other, each wondering ‘D-do we just do it again?’, and their looks to one another only confirmed that each one of them had the same thought.
But looking back at Nightmare Moon, her aura starting to darken the entire atmosphere around her, the bearers decided that they needed to try again. And their resolve steeled. This would be a difficult fight if Nightmare Moon was able to dodge the haymaker attack.
With two opposing sides of light and darkness facing each other once more, the awkward silence was replaced with a serious stare down.
Nightmare Moon charged. The bearers of the Elements of Harmony began to rise again. But their decision to get serious came too late. Before the power began to envelop them once more, Nightmare Moon was already in proximity to simply stab Twilight, who was closest, before the magic could be cast once more.
And then the floor erupted beneath her and rubble was hurtled into her face, pushing Nightmare Moon away. Leaving everypony that was in the room prior in shock, they all faced the newcomer.
Who just happened to be a not very lovable douchebag that left the Elements of Harmony with a bunch of timberwolves.
But now he was completely healed from his previous injuries they saw that he still had. And that he was glowing with a rainbow color. Menacingly. His eyes were also pure red, but they emitted not even the slightest bit of anger.
But that was far from the most noticeable thing. Scout was now wearing a hat that put a fake blue mane over his dirty brown one, and the coat of the hat was clearly a processed blue compared his coat. And it had a horn.
In that moment, Scout also said something that nopony would ever forget.
“I am the prettiest unicorn!”