//------------------------------//
// Just One Kiss 
// Story: Diamond Cutter Anthology Entries 
// by Mudpony 
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Diamond Tiara was on her way to school, when she was suddenly pounced upon by Ponyville's premier pink party planning pony.

"Tiara, you've got to come quick," Pinkie Pie shouted.  "You've got to come with me.  Oh, this is terrible, most terrible, even worse than that time I invited a pony over to make cupcakes and then the whole town got sick."  A stunned Diamond Tiara offered little resistance as Pinkie Pie half dragged, half carried her towards Sugercube Corner and into the basement.

Diamond Tiara looked around the basement and noticed there was equipment stacked all over the place, equipment with all sorts of red and green lights.  Some blinking, some staying on, others off.  Nothing here really seemed relevant to her.  She looked questioningly at Pinkie.

"See, I was over at Twilight's and she gave me some old scienterrific equipment and I did things that you wouldn't understand because I don't understand them but I did them anyway way and they" —she waved a hoof towards one of the walls— "don't care about it and now this screen gives me all sorts of information and I typed in the names of some of my friends and learned all sorts of stuff including that one of my friends isn't liked by them very much."

"Them?" Diamond Tiara asked.

"Oh yes, you know, them."  Pinkie Pie held her mouth up against Diamond Tiara's ear and whispered, "They don't like you very much." She jerked her head back and continued, "I can't stand the thought of anypony hating one of my friends and so we've got to make them like you and I'm going to help you do just that."

Diamond Tiara sat down, trying to understand what Pinkie was babbling about.  How could she possibly be unpopular?  She had it all.  Looks, money, smarts, great friends.  Everyone should want to be her.  But Pinkie Pie gestured her over to the print-out and flipped some switches, causing another machine to spit out a stream of paper with lines scribbled all over them.  Pinkie ripped the sheet off the machine and held it up for Diamond Tiara to see.

"See?  Do you see?  We've got to fix this!" exclaimed Pinkie.  "But you're lucky, because Pinkie has a plan to help her super duper friend Diamond Tiara.  We'll make you popular in no time.  Meet me here tomorrow before school and I'll explain the plan!"

Now, if there was one thing everypony in Ponyville knew, it was that it was generally a good idea to go along with what Pinkie wanted, as that usually led to parties.  But when a pony didn't, the results weren't so pleasant.  Strange things tended to happen, like random bee attacks, destruction of property, or parasprites eating the town.  And, of course, Pinkie Pie would mercilessly stalk the pony everywhere she went.  It did no good to try and hide, or to run, for that matter.  Somehow, just when you thought you were safe, she'd just pop up right next to you.  Even going to the authorities wasn't an option.  The Pink Terror had royal connections.  No, the only solution was to play along and be rewarded with a nice party.

Hopefully, Tiara thought, Pinkie will get bored quickly and move on to harass someone else quickly.  But until then, she'd have to play along.  And maybe have an awesome party with scrumptious cake.




"Okay, Plan One Hundred and Twenty C.  Let's do this!  Now, where did I leave it?"  Pinkie spun around, looking around the basement, tossing some piles of paper trying to find the elusive plan.  "Ah-hah, now I remember!"  She opened the icebox and pulled out a piece of paper.  "Plan One-Twenty C!  This one will be sure to work."

Diamond Tiara was almost afraid to ask, but she had to know.  "Why did you keep that in an ice box?"

"So it'll be cooler, silly."

The answer made no sense to Diamond Tiara, but that wasn't an unusual thing when Pinkie explained things to somepony.  Best to let it go, unless one wanted to end up in a mental hospital barking like a dog.  "Okay, so what exactly is this plan?"

"Well, my research has shown that they'll like you if Rainbow Dash kisses you.  I know, it sounds strange and mysterious, but that's what they like.  Just be glad they don't want to ship you."

"Ship me?  Does that mean go for a ride in an airship or something?"

"Sure, that could be part of it, but I don’t think it’ll fit in this plan."  And with that, Pinkie Pie started to go over the latest plan.  "Okay, I'm thinking the best method to handle this is to take care of Rainbow Dash after she's injured her wings.  So that's step one!"

Diamond Tiara glanced around the room, looking for a clue as to how Pinkie Pie intended to accomplish that goal, because surely she couldn't be intending to just wait for Rainbow Dash to injure herself.  Nothing seemed really suitable, until her eyes fixed on a sledge hammer.  Was the crazy pony really expecting her to whack Dash's wings?  How could anything good possibly come from that?  She'd go to jail for sure.  Perhaps it would be better for her to tell Pinkie Pie she didn't want to be her friend and get away before things go worse.

Pinkie Pie followed Diamond Tiara's gaze and giggled.  "Oh, no, silly, that's just in case I need to smash a watermelon for comedic reasons.   We're not actually going to hurt Rainbow Dash.  She's my friend and I'd never hurt my friends.  No, we'll float up to her in my balloon— Hey, that's practically an airship!  —while she's taking her after pre-afternoon-nap nap, douse her with knockout gas, move her to a safe place, slap some bandages on her, and tell her she got hurt.  No actual harm done.  And we'll do it on Friday, so we'll have the entire weekend before she's missed."





Diamond Tiara looked at Rainbow Dash.  The cyan pegasus lay on her back in a bed at her family's lakeside vacation house.  Both wings were in casts.  One of Dash's forelegs was also encased and suspended by wires hanging from a frame.  Her other legs were strapped down, to keep her restrained.  

Tiara shuddered.  She was going to wind up in jail, like some common criminal.  She should never have agreed to this.  But then she thought back to what Pinkie had said, that she would never hurt her friends.  Had she just been imagining Pinkie stressing the word friends?  Did that mean that Pinkie would hurt those who she didn't consider friends?  Could she afford to take the risk?  No, best not to, at least not yet.  Surely between daddy's connections and pleading Pinkie Pie she'd get off with nothing more than a slap on the hoof if it all went wrong.  Besides, if those stories were right, this would be a snap, after all, how could anyone possibly resist her charm?

She noticed her patient starting to stir.  A leg twitched, tried to move, but found itself unable to do so due to the restraints.  It tried again, harder, but still found itself unable to move.  Dash's eyes shot open in a panic and she lifted her head to see why her leg couldn't move.

Tiara placed a hoof on her captive's chest.  "Relax, it will all be okay.  You, um, got hurt.  I had to, like, bandage you up."

Rainbow Dash rubbed the bandage on her head and winced in pain.  "Ugh.  What happened?  The last thing I remember was taking a nap on a cloud."

If there was one thing Diamond Tiara hated, it'd be Apple Bloom.  However, Diamond Tiara would never limit herself to just one thing when she could get multiples and that included what she hated.  And on the rather long list, just below bunny suits but quite a bit above pumpkin pie was air shows.  They bored her.  By her way of thinking, if you've seen one set of pegasi fail to crash into each other repeatedly, you've seen them all.  But Pinkie had said that to get Dash interested, they'd need some common ground.  Or air, in this case.  She decided it was time to feign interest just like if it was one of Miss Cheerilee's lectures on being nice to everypony, and the best way to do that would be to talk like Scootaloser.  That filly just wouldn't shut up about her idol.

"Well, I was watching you do some awesome rolls and loops and stuff, with, uhm... some dives and then a reverse Immelmare and it was so cool.  Then you flew up really high, causing clouds to spin all around and then dove toward the ground, punching through the clouds, the last one quite low making me all scared that you were going to crash into the ground."

"And I did?" asked Dash, fearing that she'd somehow messed up something that basic.

"Nope.  But you couldn't see a deer and her fawn that were below where your move ended and so you had to swerve with super pony speed to try to avoid hitting them and that caused you to lose control..."

"And then I crashed?"

"Oh, no, you recovered, and looked back to see if they were okay."

"And were they?"

"Totally.  You, like, completely avoided them."

"Hah, I knew I did!  I'm just that awesome."  Dash had a smug and satisfied look on her face.   

"And then you ran into a tree."  

As soon as she said it, Diamond Tiara knew she should not have.  It had been instinct: see a self-satisfied look upon a face, and wipe it out of existence with a well placed barb.  And it had worked perfectly, but alas, it was not the effect she wanted at this moment.  Her mind raced.  She could salvage this.  She knew she could.  Words poured out of her.  

"But it was the most awesome crash ever!  You flew headfirst right through the tree and left an awesome hole in it and chunks flew out in every direction, trailing rainbows.  And then the tree exploded in, like, every direction.  Kerplow!  Boom!"

Success.  Rainbow's look of idiocy was back.  How anyone could be proud of how they ran into a tree, Tiara did not know, but maybe simple minds had to draw satisfaction from simple things.

"Headfirst, huh?  I guess that explains why my head aches so badly."

"Yep, that certainly would explain it," she said. No, not really, you stupid clown mane; the headache was just a side effect of the knockout gas.

"But don't worry, I'll take good care of you."  She winked coyly at the pegasus.

"Well, thanks.  And, um, speaking of that... "

"Yes?"

"Well, I sort of need to go."

Diamond Tiara felt a surge of panic.  She couldn't let Dash go yet.  She had to keep her here for the plan to work so Pinkie would leave her alone.  "Go?  You can't go anywhere in your current state."

"No, not leave.  Go, you know... go."  The pegasus blushed.

A look of realization and horror dawned on Diamond Tiara's face.  "Maybe I should kill her," Diamond Tiara mumbled under her breath, thinking of Pinkie Pie and the mallet.  She thought better of it though.  It would take forever to get the blood and brain matter out of her mane.  Still, as Tiara looked around for a bedpan, she swore to herself she was so going to find some way to make Pinkie Pie pay, sooner or later.  Just do all this so you'll get a kiss; easy as pie.  Yeah, right.  As if anyone in Ponyville didn't know how hard Pie could be to deal with.





Diamond Tiara screamed in frustration as another pot boiled over.  She hated cooking.  Slicing veggies, baking breads, and watching pots was something ordinary ponies did.  Special ponies had a far better way to prepare food: They had it done for them by ordinary ponies.  Preferably ordinary ponies whose purpose in life was to make food for their betters.  But, alas, it was the rare kidnapping that came with catering.

On the bright side, the weekend was almost over.  It hadn't been a fun weekend for Tiara.  Nothing to do all day, every day, but fake interest in mostly boring  topics.  Daring Do, Wonderbolts, Rainbow Dash, the weather.  Yes, the weather.  Not as conversation opener, but as an actual topic.  And the sad part was that was actually one of the more interesting topics.  Not the most interesting topic.  No, that was pranking, a topic from which she'd gotten some good ideas to try on the blank flanks.   But despite of all that time spent and her subtle hinting that Pinkie had sworn would work, there had been no spark of interest from Rainbow Dash that Tiara had noticed.

Now, it was Sunday evening, and she was running out of time.  Later tonight, she'd have to go back home  Her dad was expecting her, and she had school tomorrow.  Tonight she needed to step it up a notch, she decided.  She had to be less subtle.  Romantic dinner and candles.  Get that kiss and be done with this crazy Pinkie plan.  And so she was attempting to cook up something fancy.

All things considered, it wasn’t going too badly though.  The results looked at least somewhat like the pictures in the cookbook, and she’d only thrown away two pans so far.  She looked inside the pot that had just boiled over.  Okay, one pot, two pans, she thought as she dumped it in the garbage.  She sighed.  What she had would just have to do.  She arranged it as best she could on a pair of plates, added some garnish, and carried the tray to the bedroom.

“About time, I’ve been waiting forever.  I’m starving,” Rainbow Dash said as Tiara entered.  Her stomach supported the statement with a rumble.

“Sorry, it took longer than expected; I wanted to make something extra special.  Enjoy.”  She set down the tray on the bed.  

While Dash poked around at the food on her plate, Tiara busied herself lighting candles around the room, trying to create the right ambiance.  When she finished, she watched as the pegasus tried unsuccessfully to cut off a portion of what was supposed to be quiche with a knife.  The pseudo-quiche slid away from the knife repeatedly, as Dash lacked the use of a second hoof to hold it in place.  The filly suppressed a giggle at the cyan pony’s increasing frustration, before extending a hoof to take the knife away from Rainbow.

“Here, let me do that.”  Diamond Tiara sliced off a piece off and fed her patient a bite.  Diamond took a deep breath, doing her best to convince herself that she could do this.  She just need to say the right thing and she would be free.  Looking Rainbow Dash straight in the eyes, she took the plunge.  "I love the way your eyes shine in the candle light."

Dash’s eyes narrowed as something that Diamond Tiara assumed was probably a novel occurrence happened.  She could watch the gears churn slowly, and then it happened.  Rainbow Dash had a thought.  "Tiara, you are trying to seduce me?"

"Huh?" Tiara asked, doing her best to look innocent.  She was about as convincing as a puppy caught curled up in the shredded remains of what used to be a pillow.

Rainbow Dash's eyes shot wide open.  "You are, aren't you?"

"Maybe..."  Tiara looked away and down to the ground, slightly shrugging her shoulders, before turning to look back at Dash and asking hopefully, "Is it working?"

Rainbow Dash's eyes returned to their normal size as she laughed.  "Look, kiddo, I'm flattered.  I really am.  I can totally see why someone would have a crush on someone as awesome as me.  If I were you, I'd probably have a crush on me too.  But this isn't my thing.  I mean, for starters, I'm totally focused on getting into the Wonderbolts right now, I don't have time for a relationship."

Diamond Tiara breathed a sigh of relief.  "That's okay, Rainbow Dash.  I don't want a relationship either.  Just a kiss.  That way Pi—"

Rainbow Dash held a leg up, cutting Diamond Tiara off.  "That's just... eeeew.  I mean, you're way too young.  And it wouldn't happen even if..."  Dash's eyes slowly narrowed.

Diamond Tiara watched shifting facial expressions as pieces fell into place.  One of the advantages of dealing with a pony who was both blunt and not the fastest train on the tracks was that it was rather easy to figure out what was going through their mind. And so Diamond Tiara watched as Rainbow Dash's brain started to put together all the things she'd previously just accepted.  An accident she couldn't remember.  Injured, but this filly just happened to know how to fix her up, all while stuck in a remote location.  And now a romantic overture.  And though not a word was said, Diamond could follow every thought.

"Oh-oh,” she uttered, pulling back in preparation for what was to come..

Rainbow Dash sat up as much as the restraints let her, poking Diamond Tiara with a foreleg.  "You, you planned all this, didn't you?  Am I even hurt?  I'm not, am I?  You kidnapped me just as part of some sicko plot to seduce me?"

Diamond Tiara reared up, throwing down the fork.  "Hey, this, like, so wasn't my idea.  Do you think I want my first kiss to be with someone like you?  A moronic cloud pusher whose idea of good literature is a series of kid's books and whose dream job involves flying around in little circles?" The little filly grew increasingly irate as she spoke, her manner becoming more aggressive, and soon she shifted from defense to attack, batting Dash’s leg away.  Her face inches away from the pegasus, she continued,  "Well, let me tell you, the answer to that is no.  No, no, NO!  But I've got to get you to kiss me so that's what you're going to do.  You don't like it, I don't like it, but it is going to happen.  So just kiss me already!"

"You're insane."  Dash shoved the filly away with her foreleg, sending her crashing into the wall.  Quickly, she gathered her strength and tore free of the restraints.  Clambering out of the bed, she latched her teeth onto the cast on her foreleg, attempting to rip it apart.  The cast resisted her best efforts though and, seeing Tiara shake off her tumble, Rainbow Dash decided now would be a good time to vacate the area, and she blitzed out the door.

"Come back!  I was going to let you go tonight anyway.  For real!" Diamond Tiara yelled after the rapidly retreating Dash.  Tiara gave a deep sigh.  As she had expected, this was ending badly.  But she wasn't prepared to give up just yet.  With a determined grimace, she quickly extinguished the candles, then set out after her prey.





Dash leaned against the building, trying to catch her breath.  Ordinarily, getting away from a filly would have been no problem, but with her wings tied up and her leg hindered by the bandages, it was all she could do to stay ahead.  She peaked around the corner, looking for her pursuer and a place to hide.  Just ahead she saw Sugercube Corner and, more importantly, a light on upstairs.  Pinkie; Pinkie will help! she thought, and set off, determined to reach the safety of Pinkie Pie's room before that crazy filly caught up to her again.

Behind her, she heard a shout as her pursuer caught sight of her.  She increased her speed, shouldered open the door and raced up the stairs.  Rainbow Dash burst into Pinkie Pie's room, grabbed hold of Pinkie and shouted, "You've got to help me!  She's crazy, crazy!  She's convinced I'm supposed to be her girlfriend or something!"

The sound of hooves striking the wooden stairs echoed up into the room, getting nearer, until finally the filly stood in the doorway, breathing heavily from her exertions, her tiara askew upon her head.  Diamond Tiara raised one forehoof and pointed it towards Rainbow Dash, exclaiming, "You.  Will.  Kiss.  Me!"

Rainbow Dash's eyes frantically scanned the room, looking for a way out.  She tried to take a step backwards, away from the crazed filly, only to find her way blocked by Pinkie Pie.  "Wait, you... you are in on it too?"

"I got her, Diamond!" Pinkie Pie called out as she grabbed hold of Rainbow Dash.  "Go for the kiss!" 

Rainbow Dash struggled futilely against Pinkie Pie's grip as Diamond Tiara slowly closed the distance.  The young filly was panting heavily, and her face was scrunched with revulsion as she got ever closer.  Rainbow Dash tried to turn her head away, but Pinkie held it in place.  Giving in to the inevitable, Rainbow Dash closed her eyes, but she could feel the filly getting closer and closer.  It would just be a few more seconds.  Three.  Two.  One.  And then she felt something contacting her lips.  Something… hard?

Carefully, she opened one eye to see Pinkie Pie's hoof interposed between Diamond Tiara and her heads.  The filly had had her eyes closed as well, and Rainbow Dash watched as the filly jerked her head back at the unexpected solidity of the contact.

The iron grip restraining Rainbow Dash released, and Rainbow Dash stumbled backwards, to see Pinkie Pie rolling on the ground.

"Best.  Prank.  Ever!" Pinkie Pie uttered between bouts of laughter.  "You should have seen the look on your face, Dashie!  Thanks for the help, Diamond."

Diamond Tiara's jaw nearly hit the floor, while her tiara nearly hit the ceiling, propelled by a wave of anger.  "A prank?  This was all a prank?  You had me kidnap somepony as a prank?"

"Yup," Pinkie Pie said, nodding her head rapidly.

"But all that stuff you said… What about THEM?" Diamond Tiara asked.

"Oh, I just made that up, silly.  Did you really believe anypony could dislike you?  I just needed you to believe if you were you going to fool a master prankster like Dashie.  But don't worry, I'll throw you a killer party to make up for it.  Matter of fact, I'll start planning it right this second!" Pinkie Pie said.  With that, she wished the two ponies good night and shut the door behind them.  Shaking her head, she chuckled to herself.  "Geez, believing somepony would want to watch our boring ol' lives."