No.
I don't want to be here again!
The same street. The same grime and decay. The same gloomy, damp night. The same apartment building. The same useless endeavor. The same shit all over again!
My cell phone warbles. I yank it out and throw it as hard as I can. I cannot even gain the satisfaction of hearing it smash against the concrete, as it vanishes into the dream aether before--
My cell phone warbles.
What the fuck?! I just threw it away! Goddamn it! I pull it out again and hurtle it to the ground. This time I am well-rewarded for my effort as the screen shatters and the casing fractures. I stomp on it with my feet for good measure and kick the broken remnants. They skitter across the concrete and vanish into--
My cell phone warbles.
I pull it out again. "LEAVE ME ALONE!!" I scream at the phone's glowing screen. Yet all my emotion does nothing to wipe the text message glaring at me in mockery of my rage:
youhavetoseeyouhavetoseeYOUHAVETOSEE
See what?! What is this supposed to mean? I ... wait, this is from Michelle! I've been trying to reach her all day! She hasn't responded to texts or ...
... nononoNONO STOP IT STOP IT! I'm not doing this again. It means nothing. It's just more pain. I'm going to get rid of the pendant. I'm going to free myself of these nightmares.
The text message changes, and I nearly drop the phone in shock.
please dont give me away
"Wh-what?? This can't ... y-you don't have a say in this! You're just a stupid piece of jewelry! Why did I ever think you meant anything more than--!"
not until you seeseeseeseeseesee
Wait, this is from Michelle! I've been trying to ...
Dammit, NO! I ... shit ... FINE! We'll do this again! I'll fail again!
I run into the building ... up the stairs ... to the apartment. I'm ... here already? How did I get here that fast?
"Why are you doing this to me?!" Michelle wails from within, and I gasp and stagger. "I thought you were my friend!"
I hurtle myself at the door and smash it down. It's all the same! The drugs. The mess. My dying friend. The figure standing over ...
... over her ...
My eyes widen. Someone IS here! A woman. She turns around, and my heart nearly stops. I stagger backwards and thump against the closed door I had supposedly smashed to bits. I'm staring at ...
... me?!
No, how can that be?! This can't be what I saw! It has to be a delusion. I wasn't here, not until I broke through her door. And how could it close behind me? I ...
My vision blurs. I blink rapidly, and she's gone, like she was never there.
I'm on the street again. I don't wait to hear their footfalls. I turn to run, then recoil with a shrill shriek, falling backwards on my ass.
"I can make all this go away," says Queen Chrysalis as she stares down at me, a sly smile stretching across her muzzle.
"Wh-what?? But you ... how are you in my ...?!"
"I can take away your pain. You will never be plagued by this nightmare again. You will never (SEE) feel such utter failure every night."
I am too wrapped up in my own fear to notice the heavens opening as I scrabble backwards from this monstrosity.
Chrysalis laughs. "You are a fool to consider any other course! You have no way out, and no way forward, only a way back! Back where you started!"
"I can safely say," rises a voice from behind me. I look up and see Princess Luna step forward. "That I am quite tired of hearing from you any further."
A single bolt fired from her horn, and Queen Chrysalis dissolves into mist.
I stand. "She ... she was just ..."
"Just a figment of your dream, yes," says Luna.
"But you're not."
Luna smiles gently. "No, I am not."
"You're ... probably pretty confused about me."
"Indeed, I am. Perhaps not quite in the way you think, however." She pauses as she looks around. "The entity was here again, the one who is trying to help you."
"Who ... or what is it?"
"I am still uncertain." Luna turns to me. "You are the better one to find out."
I sigh and hang my head. "I don't want to find out. I just want this to stop."
Something very soft brushes against my chin, urging it up. Only when my eyes are level with hers do I realize it is the tip of one of her wings. "You are almost there. You saw part of what you have been prevented from seeing for so long. You need only to take the final step."
"But it made no sense!" I wail. "I saw me! What does that mean?"
Luna considers. "I could tell you what I think, but ... I fear that in your present state, you may not believe me, and it may unravel what you have already accomplished."
My eyes tear up. "I don't want to keep doing this."
"I am sorry. I can only chase away the phantoms, not hold memories or emotion at bay. Some things the dreamer must work out herself." Luna sighs. "Even if the answer is not what she wants to accept."
"Y-you're saying that ... that this j-just means I-I'm responsible for--"
Luna holds up a hoof. "No. Do not make conclusions yet. Wait."
I sigh. "That's all I ever seem to do."
Luna smiles. "Then you are already quite skilled at it. Now, I must leave you. It grows late." She pauses. "Then again ... some answers are best found when the night still reigns."
My eyes opened.
I groaned and rolled onto my front. I blinked the crud of too little sleep and dried tears from my eyes. I splayed my hooves and thwacked my head against the pillow, uttering a long sigh that echoed in the silence of the moon-splendored night.
I wanted to forget about that dream, but lack of returning slumber forced me to recall it. Ever since I had arrived, the winds of fate buffeted me wherever they pleased. Perhaps becoming a pegasus who had no idea how to use her wings would have been a more appropriate form.
I sighed and dropped off the bed with a resounding clop of hooves that reminded me of my predicament. For over a day, being a pony had simply happened, and now the changeling queen had thrust it back into my consciousness, like trying to sleep and suddenly becoming aware of my breathing.
I picked up a fore-hoof and stared at it. I tried to envision a hand, flexing the fingers in my mind. The imagery refused to come. Was my brain no longer wired for it except in the depths of dream? Would I have to adapt once more when I became human again? Or were my dreams a sign that this pony body was just a wrapper around the real me?
What the hell was the real me anymore?
I lowered the hoof. Despite how gently I set it down, I still heard its impact. I needed to leave this room, yet the skies through the window remained dark save for the scattering of stars and the pale glow of the moon.
Some answers are best found when the night still reigns.
I cast a heavy gaze at the dresser. The gold of the pendant gleamed as if in mockery of me. I forced myself to cross the room and put it back on. I clenched my teeth briefly at the sound of the clasp closing by itself. Why was it so eager to attach itself to me? Did it simply want to cause me pain?
I trotted to the door. I lifted a hoof to open it when muffled noises from the hall stopped me: a shuffle of armor, a clop of hooves, and conversation in indeterminate whispers. The hooves and talk receded into the distance, and it became silent once more.
I pushed open the door. My guards flanked the door on either side, as always. A different shift, of course, but still one pegasus and one unicorn. "Good morning, Miss Swirl," said the former.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"Almost dawn, Miss Swirl."
I had hoped for enough night remaining to visit the library. So much for Luna's words in my dream. I needed some air. Perhaps I could visit the balcony again, this time alone. I headed down the hall, and my guards followed. I sighed when I saw four guards posted outside the balcony doors. So much for that idea.
I started to trot past them, but two were those strange pegasi with bat-like wings. I turned my head towards them and froze when my eyes beheld who lay behind the transparent doors.
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna stood on the balcony, quietly conversing. I stared at them for one second too long, and Celestia turned her head towards me. I backed up a step and started to turn away. Celestia's horn glowed, and the doors burst open.
"Good morning, Candy Swirl," said Celestia with a soft smile. "Would you care to join us in welcoming the dawn?"
I swallowed hard. I failed to remember anything Rarity had taught me about dealing with royalty, yet I could not simply refuse. Only when I had stepped over the threshold did I realize with no small amount of horror that I had not taken a shower yet, and my mane was likely a mess.
Somehow, I remembered to bow.
"You are up rather early," said Celestia.
I rose to my hooves. A dozen responses flitted through my head, none of which were anything I wanted to admit. "Um ... yes, I am, Princess."
"Did you sleep well?" asked Luna.
So she still didn't know? It seemed impossible, but I would take advantage of it. "I slept okay, Princess. Thank you for asking."
Celestia turned to her sister. "After you, of course."
Luna smiled. "Of course." She turned towards the railing, and her horn glowed.
I stepped to the side so I could see the sky better. My heart thumped as the moon slid down. I could actually see it moving. I was watching a living being move a celestial body. She swept the stars from the skies next, the heavens surrendering the darkness to a gentle twilight glow.
Luna's horn still glowed. Only then did I notice a few stars still twinkling above where the moon had set -- had been made to set. My jaw dropped as the stars twirled about each other, darting out and then back, and finally diving for the horizon one by one.
"Cheeky," said Celestia with a smile.
"How often do I have an audience?" said Luna as the glow of her horn finally faded.
Had she done that little show for me? Was that just to be showy, or was it meant as a display of her power?
Celestia glanced at me before she turned towards the skies, a golden glow surrounding her horn. My heart raced as the skies brightened, and the brilliant orb of the sun glowed a deep orange as it peeked above the horizon.
I then understood what Queen Chrysalis was up against. She needed leverage against creatures with nothing less than divine power. Celestia and Luna had the power of life and death over this world. But how could they not raise the sun every morning? Unless they had a means of controlling where it cast its light, they could not punish their own subjects just to make a point to some other creatures in the world.
Despite their apparent benevolence, this amount of power frightened me. Gods and goddesses did not manifest in such undeniable ways back on Earth. Here, they formed the very reality of Equestria itself. They had become an integral part of how it worked. Yet the ponies did not worship them, nor did these alicorns appear to demand it.
How did Chrysalis expect a single magical artifact to act as leverage over beings of such power? Would they be swayed by its mere uniqueness or monetary value? She had said she would exploit Twilight's weakness for such things. Did she intend to pit her against these two? That seemed rather unlikely, unless it was all no more than a political game.
The sun rose fully, its light now slowly edging towards yellow, and I turned my eyes away when it became blinding. Celestia turned from the railing, her horn quiescent.
"I still admire your delicate touch, dear sister," said Luna.
Celestia smiled. "Thank you." She turned to me. "So what are your plans for today, Candy Swirl?"
"Um ... I actually don't know, Princess," I said. "I assume Rarity and Fluttershy will stop by sometime this morning."
After all, that was their obligation, wasn't it?
"You might be interested in knowing that Twilight has some leads as to the origins of your pendant," said Celestia.
My conversation with Chrysalis had led me to the inescapable conclusion that this pendant had indeed originated in Equestria. It should have made the decision that much easier. If it had originated here, then I would be returning it to its rightful place of origin. Why should I care what they did with it? What difference did it make to me who controlled it? I did wonder how it got to Earth, but that was the least of my concerns.
"Will she want to examine it further, Princess?" I asked.
"That is up to her, but she may at least wish to ask you more questions about it."
"While she realizes you do not remember all the details of your past," said Luna. "It is hoped she may mention something that will spark your memory."
I wished I could take what Luna said at face value and not scrutinize it for a hidden meaning. She had seen Chrysalis in my dreams. Had she not made the connection? Or was the changeling queen a common vision in pony nightmares?
But that meant Chrysalis had done something truly evil to become a common nightmare. Or had the ruling monarch -- diarch -- made her out to be a nightmare? The victor writes the history books, after all. Banishing an entire race to a land where they had little chance to obtain nourishment filled me with a sense of unease. Chrysalis' anger seemed justified in light of that.
Luna looked at me expectantly. "I'll do my best to answer any questions she has for me, Princess," I said. "I'm just not sure how much it matters."
"Oh?"
Dammit, why did I have to say that? "I don't know magic. I mean, I don't know advanced magic. Like the kind of magic that created the pendant."
"If anypony can determine the origin and purpose of your pendant," said Celestia. "It would be Twilight Sparkle."
My mind spun as this conversation collided with the memory of Chrysalis' vitriol. I could almost hear her. "She used to be your student, wasn't she?"
Celestia smiled. "Indeed she was. My best student, in fact."
Yet she could not break the binding magic on my pendant? What of Celestia? She was akin to a goddess, she could move the damn sun, and yet she had not offered to do what Twilight could not. Was it beneath her? Or was the help being withheld?
Or was it beyond even their power?
Chrysalis had said she had come to beg for their indulgence. Had I been expected to do the same? I had the pendant, the same leverage Chrysalis desired, but no means to exercise it. My needs were modest compared to hers.
Was what I wanted out of this so bad?
"I'm sure she was very good," I said in a listless voice.
"Well, most of the time," said Luna with a sly smile. "Dear sister, you did tell me of the day she had accidentally set fire to your throne."
"Wait, that actually happened??" I blurted.
Celestia giggled. Actually giggled. "Oh, my! Poor Twilight was so embarrassed!" She turned to me. "Spike told you, no doubt."
I simply nodded.
"Twilight never would, of course."
"I do hope you solicited an appropriate bribe from Spike for your continued silence," Luna said.
"Now now, Luna," said Celestia. "Don't encourage bad behavior in the young."
"Daffodils," I said. "He, um ... got me extra daffodils with my lunch."
"Too late, Tia," Luna said.
Celestia laughed.
"It was actually his idea, Princess," I said, smiling faintly.
"Spike can always be counted on to have his heart in the right place," said Celestia.
"Yes, he's ... he's nice," I said softly.
My conversation with him over lunch had been some of the most stress-free moments since coming to Equestria. Even when he had tried to engage me in topics that were likely common knowledge but left me clueless, he had accepted either my silence or acknowledging nods and moved on. Spike had imposed no expectations on me.
Celestia and Luna exchanged a smile. I found I was smiling, too, despite the tumult in my mind and heart.
"I should allow you to prepare yourself for the day," said Celestia.
"Oh, um, yes," I said. "I-I'm sorry, I'm a bit of a mess."
"No worries, Candy Swirl. You should see my mane in the morning before I have brushed it."
"I have," Luna said. "It is the stuff of nightmares, indeed."
I placed a hoof over my mouth but giggled anyway. "I, um, better get to that. Thank you, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna." I turned and started off the balcony. I stopped at the threshold and bowed before heading down the corridor to my room.
As stiff and stilted as my audience with them had been at dinner the day before, I could have wished for something as informal and ... lighthearted ... as what had just transpired. Yet why did my heart still race?
No, I knew the answer. Despite how the diarchs conversed with such friendly aplomb, it served as window dressing to their display of power, whether intentional or not. What scared me more, siding with Chrysalis and facing the diarchs' wrath, or being discovered as an alien and meeting the same? Which fate was worse? Where did the diarchs' benevolence end?
Why did I insist on assuming it had an arbitrary limit?
My mind ran in circles. I needed more time to think.
Preparing for my shower seemed to take forever. The braid resisted my clumsy efforts to be undone using my uncoordinated hooves and a brush. I muddled through it; learning this skill seemed a moot point if I might have short hair and hands again.
I finally got my shower done, and my hair sorted out. The braid had imparted a lingering gentle wave to my mane, so I guess it still looked nice. I doubted I would have a chance to go to the spa again before I left Equestria, so this would have to do.
Too bad. I actually liked that spa.
I wore the pendant, an action now no more than simple reflex, like getting dressed when I was a human.
Please don't give me away. Had I really seen that? Had it really come from the pendant? The pendant was a thing, an object. It took up space and nothing more. My own head had insisted on playing stupid tricks to further complicate a matter that ought to be simple.
Like seeing myself in Michelle's apartment. What did that mean? That certainly could not have been real. How could I have seen myself? Unless ...
Unless it had been a changeling. A changeling could look just like me if it wished. It could have taken my form, pretended to be me when it visited Michelle, and ...
~~~
... erupts in sickly green light which strikes my eyes. My already tortured mind offers little resistance, almost welcoming the merciful stupor into which it falls ...
~~~
... and yet ...
... yet that idea sounded fantastic even still. Didn't it make more sense to believe I saw an embodiment of my guilt? Had I got there in time, everything would have been different. Luna's words confused me. What could I possibly have been prevented from seeing other than a full acceptance of my complicity in Michelle's death?
I winced and rubbed the side of my head as a dull ache suddenly flared through my skull. Where did that come from? Disrupted sleep rarely gave me a headache. Fortunately, the pain abated fairly quickly.
I headed out of my room and said to the guards, "Please lead me to the dining hall."
"Of course, Miss Swirl."
When I entered the dining hall, I found five places set, but no food had been put out. Twilight sat at the table alone. She looked up and flinched slightly. "Oh, um, good morning, Candy. I thought you were going to wait for Rarity to pick you up from your room."
I hesitated as Chrysalis' words spun through my head. Perhaps I had wanted to ease Rarity's obligation to me. "I figured I'd save her the trouble," I said in a flat voice as I sat down.
Twilight smiled slightly. It seemed a bit forced. "Of course. Breakfast is a little delayed anyway. Spike had something to do at the last minute before he could prepare the meal."
I nodded. I had no idea what to say. I weighed and measured every word in my head for its impact on my potential plans. God, that sounded like I was some evil overlord's minion plotting the overthrow of a kingdom, not some sixteen year old girl who simply wanted to get herself out from under something too big for her to understand.
"Candy, do you know your plans for this morning?" Twilight asked.
"No, not at all."
"Would you consent to having me examine your pendant further?"
I tensed, but I harbored no desire to lift my hoof to my pendant. "Why?"
"I want to take some more readings. I've been trying to determine when and where Starswirl the Bearded may have created it. I've formulated a theory, and I want to see if the pendant will help confirm or deny it."
I nodded slowly. "What's your theory, if you don't mind me asking?"
Twilight's smile widened. "Well, some details are a little sensitive, but what I can tell you is that he created this pendant during one of several periods in his life where he left no record of his actions or travels. I believe he had created a secret lab in a remote area for the purpose of testing powerful or dangerous magicks. I want to locate that lab where I believe he created your pendant. I have a hypothesis, and some further examination of your pendant may confirm it."
"So where do you think this lab may be?" I asked. "Or is that sensitive information?"
"For now, yes."
Of course. Like Chrysalis had said, she's royalty. She can decide to whom she reveals critical information and how much.
Or was this all a ploy to get the pendant from me? Had she realized her mistake and planned to break the binding magic herself? That would relieve me of this decision, but also of any remaining leverage I had against being tossed in a dungeon once they discovered my origin.
"Maybe we should do it a little later," I said, my voice quavering slightly.
"Oh," said Twilight, crestfallen. "Um ... okay, sure."
A moment later, I heard approaching hooves from the hall. "Ah, there you are, Candy," said Rarity as she entered. "I had gone to your room, but you had already left."
She smiled at me. I smiled faintly in return, not completely forced. I still held dear the memory of our time together the morning before. I needed something pleasant to remember this world by if ...
... when I left.
"Are you all right, Candy?" Rarity asked, looking at me with concern.
"Oh, um, sorry," I said. "Just a little distracted this morning."
"Perfectly understandable," she said as she took a seat next to me. "This summit has us all a little on edge."
"Is Fluttershy coming?" I asked.
"Ah, she's a bit nervous about Queen Chrysalis' presence."
"Chrysalis is not going to be at breakfast," said Twilight. "It would've been safe for her."
"But you know how she is sometimes. She will meet us outside when we are ready to head into town."
"So you're taking Candy to Ponyville again?" Twilight said.
Rarity smiled. "Do I sense a bit of distress in your voice? Envious, perhaps?"
"Well ..." Twilight's gaze shifted to me for a moment. "I had hoped to take some time to examine the pendant again, but--"
My eyes widened. I had already refused!
Rarity waved a hoof. "Really, darling, you should keep your focus on the summit. Worry about Candy's pendant another day."
Twilight looked unhappy at that rebuke. Maybe Rarity was still on my side after all.
Was I being too harsh? Yet how could I not regard everything in a new light after what Chrysalis had told me? Twilight would not meet my eyes. Had the guards told her of my meeting with Chrysalis? If so, why had I not been called out on it?
"I'm understandably anxious to solve the mystery behind that pendant," said Twilight after another furtive glance at me. "Especially in light of that attempt by the changeling to get into the castle."
"But you thwarted that admirably. And easily."
"I just wish we had caught that changeling."
"Still no leads?" Rarity asked.
Twilight sighed. "None. Strong Wing had taken off after the changeling when I revealed her Bon Bon disguise, but he was hit with a stun spell at the edge of the forest and had to break off."
"Strong Wing?"
"One of the guards on duty at the castle entrance that morning," said Twilight.
"I would say if there have been no further attempts to breach the castle, you have more than proven your defenses are a match for them. Especially now with Shining Armor's shield in place."
Twilight did not look mollified, but she remained silent.
Rarity turned to me. "So, for this morning, Candy, I would like us to head over to my boutique again. You seemed so interested in my work, I thought I would catch up on a bit of my backlog and not worry about you being bored."
"That sounds fine," I said.
"But we do need to stop off at Town Hall briefly. I need to, ah, check on an application I submitted."
"Application?"
"Well, the details would bore you, trust me, and it won't take but a moment."
Rarity continued the illusion she had no desire to foster me. By Chrysalis' reckoning, an illusion was all it had been. Keep me in ignorance, then. It was one less thing to hold me to this world.