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// Sta-Mare-I Dunno 
// Story: I'm Offensive and I Take Offense 
// by Gapeagle 
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"Woo! Glad that monster is taken care of!"

Twilight wiped her brow as she watched the once ferocious hydra scrambled out of Ponyville and towards the bog where it came from. With its giant tale between its fat legs, it was obvious that it admitted defeat. With it gone, Ponyville was saved once again!

"Wow! Twilight you wrecked that monster!" Spike cheered. "Ponies are gonna love you today!"

Twilight giggled in response to the eager dragon. "You really think so?"

"Heck yeah! Trust me, Equestria's gonna be so happy about all the times you've saved everypony that you'll win Mare of the Year!"

"Wow, Mare of the Year? I like the sound of it, hehe."





It was next month in Canterlot, where thousands gathered in front of the Royal Palace to host the Best Pony Awards. It was going to be an amazing event. It always had been a great time even though most of the awards were superficial anyway. Everypony watched them and everypony enjoyed it. So it was a great annual event.

Twilight and Spike took their seats next to Applejack and Rarity. Rainbow always thought these things were boring and never went to them. Fluttershy enjoyed the most of the six friends, but she was out of sight. She had probably been swept away by the roving crowd. Luna was there too, as she was the previous Mare of the Year winner. Since Celestia was still away, the mares for the trophy had a much more even playing field. 

"So, who ya think is gonna win Mare of the Year?" Spike asked Rarity and Applejack. 

Rarity spoke first. "Well, I thought it would be me, darling, but I seem to have lost all my awards this year. Coco even beat me at Fashion Plate's magazine awards. She won a fashion award without even having a line! So excuse me if I doubt I will win."

"Aw shucks, I have no idea," Applejack shrugged. "Having these awards seems bit vain to me. Darn tootin' if ya win, Twi. I'd be satisfied as a tick in June if ya take the award from Luna."

"Thanks," Twilight said awkwardly as she tried to understand Applejack's odd countryism.

"Shush! It's starting!" Spike exclaimed.

An elderly unicorn mare stood on the stage and waved a hoof at the crowd. Using her magic to project her voice, she spoke to the thousands of Equestrians.

"Welcome to the 16th annual Best Pony Awards!"

She went on, but it was the usual hostess cliches that everypony knew already. As the awards went on, ponies were given the small glass trophies for all kinds of stuff. A griffon earned one and a certain dragon earned one as well. He always got the "Equestrian Dragon" award because well, he was the only one who could. Celestia ordered that to be an award some years ago. It was something he always got as a token of appreciation from the princesses.

But enough of that. It was time for the award most waited for. The Mare of the Year award. Was it going to be Cadance? Luna? Twilight? Mayor Mare? Spitfire? Nopony knew. So all of them were on the edge of their seats when the hostess opened the envelope that had the fated name.

"Winner of the Mare of the Year is...."

(of course, drumroll time that was performed by Pinkie)

"Orchard Blossom!"

"What?" Twilight's excited smile left her instantly.

A roar came from the crowd. It was a bit mixed with cheers and confused "huhs?" Who was Orchard Blossom? Nopony wanted to ask that because it would be rude. Rarity, Twilight and Spike sat agape while Applejack shrunk in her chair.

They soon spied the mare who was walking up to take the award. Well, at least...she was dressed like one. A hulking mare with an obvious fake wig and excess amounts of makeup walked up to be awarded. It did not take long for Twilight to find out who the mare really was.

"Isn't that Big Mac?" she hissed the question at Applejack.

"Eenope," Applejack's face scrunched up and her eyes looked away.

"It is!" Twilight tensed up. "Why is a stallion getting Mare of the Year? What's with that?!"

An equal pony in the row in front of them turned around. His blue eyes glared daggers at Twilight. "Hey! Have some respect! It takes some bravery for a transsexual to come out like that! She's got twice the heart than you!"

"What?" Twilight flared. "Are you kiddin' me?! He's not a mare!"

"It's not my fault you are such a bigot, jerkface," the equal pony growled. "She deserves the award if ya like it or not."

"This is bullsh-"

Starlight giggled mockingly from a nearby chair. "Oh, poor Twilight! How does it feel to be on the losing end? Pretty bad huh? I wish I could feel an ounce of sympathy for you, but I can't. Sorry, honey."

"You planned this!" Twilight barked.

"Me?" Starlight looked shocked. "Of course not! Equestria is now filling slowly with progressive and modern thinking. This is just a fruit of my labor. I did not plan this in any way."

"Weren't you just last week telling me about the patriarchal society in Equestria? Aren't you a bit upset that a stallion earned Mare of the Year?"

Twilight thought she was gaining an edge on Starlight, but the pink unicorn simply laughed. "I don't see a stallion up there and neither should you. My feminist views are not in jeopardy. Nice try though."

"Ugh!" Twilight screamed and uncharacteristically slammed her hoof on the ground. Accepting defeat, she sat back down in her seat with her front legs crossed. "Why didn't you tell me, Applejack?"

"No reason," Applejack replied without looking in Twilight's direction.





"I can't believe I lost a mare-only competition to Big Mac!" Twilight growled while she and Spike flew down towards Ponyville the day after the event was over.

"Eh, ya win some, you lose some," Spike shrugged from atop her back.

"I get that...It's just...Big Mac of all ponies."

She landed by Applejack's apple stand where Applejack stood selling her apples. She was not alone as her big brother....Big.....Mac....was there....without....any....makeup or dresses......

"Big Mac?" Twilight asked incredulously. "Why aren't you...a mare?"

He simply blinked at her without a care. Applejack rubbed the back of her neck nervously. "Whatcha talkin' about there, Twi?"

Twilight's eyes darted to the apple pony. "You know what I am talking about."

"Yeah!" Spike interjected. "Big Mac, why aren't you girly-fied?"

He shrugged lazily. 

"These are some pretty odd questions ya got here, Twi. Have ya been drinkin' too much cider or something?" Applejack asked with the worst poker face ever. 

"Stop lying Applejack, you're not good at it," Twilight said simply.

They paused as another pony approached the four of them. It was Starlight, still haughty over her victory yesterday. She stopped before the princess with her smugness. 

"Good morning, Twilight. You too, Applejack and...and Orchard Blossom?" her eye twitched. "Forgive me for being confrontational, but you um, look like your old Big Mac form."

"You two? By Equestria, did ya two have some heavy stuff last night?" Applejack gulped.

"Ahem," Big Mac started. "Don't ya worry 'bout me. I'm back to my old self."

Starlight's jaws hung open. "But...But you...What happened? Did you not think being a mare suited you? I can't understand."

"Being a mare?" he chuckled. "I just did that to win a bet."

Applejack's face met the apple stand. A low frustrated growl left the wood her mouth was in. "Why'd ya have to say it?"

"Wha-?" Starlight, Spike, and Twilight gasped simultaneously.

Big Mac smiled. "Oh it's nothin' 'cept a sibling bet. Applejack thought I couldn't be a good mare. I told her I could be the best. I won. Hehe. Best 30 bits I ever earned."

"It was all a lie?!?" Starlight's face reddened. "The first transsexual to win is a damn fake?!?"

Big Mac nodded slowly. "Eeyup."

Some strands flew out of Starlight's mane. It was clear she was not taking this well. "Oh! Everything is fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Nopony has to know about this. Nope. Equality wins. Equality still wins."

"So we do live in a patriarchal society," Twilight giggled. "Any stallion can just take mare trophies when they please."

"Shut up!" Starlight hissed. "Just shut up!"

"Hehe!" Spike laughed. "Well, Starlight, at least the first trans winner didn't kill somepony with a cart or something."

Tears began to flow out of Starlight's angry eyes. "That isn't helping!"


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