Discord sighed in boredom. “Larry, I could make all this water disappear, and we could just pick up the fish.”
The redneck eyed the chimera. “I should have known you’d be the dynamite using type.” The Cable Guy took a sip a beer. “You guys are real assholes.”
Discord shrugged. “Eh, maybe, but what’s the point of trying to catch sea creatures with a stick, twine, and hook? What is it about humans that make them want to do things the hard way?”
Larry scratched at his beard stubble as he stared at his bobbing fishing cork. “I never thought I’d live to hear you of all people say, ‘What’s the point?’ ” The human took another sip of beer and put down his fishing poll. “When was the last time you just sat back and did nothing?”
“Well, uh, . . .”
Larry nodded. “That’s what I thought. You’re always starting shit, doing things other people want you to do, or getting turned into something for the shit you started.”
Discord glared at the redneck. “What’s your point?”
The cable guy snickered. “Doing that for forever sounds tiring. If I were you, I’d come out to a place like this, crack open a few cold ones, and let the fish bite or not bite.”
The chimera scoffed at what Larry had said, but then he turned it over in his mind for the next few minutes as he stared at his own fishing line.
“Larry.”
“Yeah, bud?”
“Do you think I should marry Winona?”
The human spewed beer all over the boat. The question had caught him completely off guard; beer was coming out of his nose and eyes. Larry took a deep breath and wheezed, “Oh man, that was a good one. You got me good, brother.”
Discord glared at the human.
“What?” asked the cable guy. After a few seconds it dawned on the human. “Wait . . . ah crap, are you serious?”
“Yes, I am.”
“But, uh, what about Fluttershy? I thought the two of you had a thing goin on.”
Discord sighed. “I don’t think it’s going to work out.”
“Why not? What happened?”
“I ate her,” the chimera replied happily. “She was delicious.”
For a moment Larry and Discord looked at each other. Larry felt a chill go up his back. He slowly nodded his head. “That’s a pretty good reason why it’s not going to work out.”
“My thoughts exactly. Larry, you’re such a good friend. You’re so understanding.”
Discord turned around and cast his line into the ocean. Larry got a good look at the chimera’s back. Slowly, Discord’s body was being changed by the shimmering black mass that was the Tantibus.
Frantically the human looked around, but there was nowhere to go. No land in sight for miles.
“Larry, could you be a pal and impale yourself on this tiny itsy bitsy hook? The fish aren’t biting. I think I need more bate.”
The human turned to look at his “friend” when to his undisguised horror, Discord had transformed himself into a T-Rex. The dino was looking at Larry with a mixture of excitement and anticipation.
The human scratched his chin, his mind racing. “Uh, sure. But how . . .”
Larry was interrupted when someone behind him yelled, “Head’s up, Larry!”
The next thing the cable guy knew, a rope was around his midriff. The fat human looked up at the T-Rex in confusion before he was pulled out of the boat going thirty miles an hour. Larry was dragged tumbling above and under the ocean. Just when he thought he was going to black out, the ride stopped.
Coughing up water, Larry wheezed, “Guys, I think something’s wrong with Discord.”
“You think? Maybe you should give him some of that Prilosec you’re so proud of. That’ll cure him right up,” Bill said as he helped Larry onboard his enormous jet ski.
Foxworthy who was on a neighboring jet ski held up a hand. “Shut up, you two. Do you guys hear that?”
The three rednecks looked where the water began to boil. Luna jumped out from that spot as majestically as a dolphin. All three humans clapped their hands at the display.
The alicorn looked down at the trio in surprise. “How are you doing this? How did the two of you get to this one before I did?” Luna asked pointing at Larry.
Bill nodded towards Jeff. “Ask him. He’s the one who dragged me here.”
Ignoring the others, Larry leaned over the side of the jet ski to see what was in the saddle bag. Miraculously he pulled out exactly what he hoped would be in there: a set of binoculars. Turning around , he put the spy glasses to his face, and his breath caught in his throat.
About a mile away on a small spec of an island, the T-Rex was grinning maliciously. The chimera’s eyes blazed with the Tantibus’s black magic. By itself this would be terrifying enough on a normal day, but it was what the chimera held that was really worrisome. Using a pair of human-like arms, Discord brought to bear a gargantuan M1 Garand with a scope.
Before Larry could scream a warning, he saw a flash from the muzzle of the weapon. The next thing he knew, he was awake in Twilight’s bedroom screaming, “He’s got a Garand! We’re all dead!”
In an instant, Twilight and Spike were by the red neck’s side. “Larry, it’s alright. You’re awake now.”
The cable guy blinked a few times and then sagged back down in his soaked bed. After drinking a cup of water offered by Spike, Larry said breathlessly. “Man, I’ve never sweated this much since I ate that ghost pepper jerky at the Tulsa gun show.”
“I take it Luna hasn’t captured the Tantibus yet?” asked Spike.
Larry shook his head. “That thing is kicking our asses all over dreamland.”
Moment’s later, Bill Engvall began to stir and wake. “What happened?”
“Ol' Tanny shot us with an M1 and killed us,” Larry answered.
“Wait, what? That thing was a T-Rex last time I saw it. How could a T-Rex use a rifle?”
“It grew arms, Bill. That thing can do whatever the hell it wants to in a dream.”
Twilight looked very confused after hearing this exchange. “Were you two having the same dream?”
“Kind of,” answered Bill. “From what Jeff told me, which is pretty freaking weird even for Jeff, the Tantibus passed through him in his dream. And since that happened, Jeff can dream walk just like Luna.” Engvall frowned. “Speaking of Foxworthy and Luna . . .” Bill looked at his friends in question. The alicorn had a wispy strand of magic coming from her horn and going into Jeff’s head. She was not sleeping but was perspiring from concentration.
“How long has she been like that?” asked Bill.
“Two and a half hours,” answered Twilight.
Larry whistled, very much impressed. “How much longer can she . . .”
Before the Cable Guy could finish his sentence, Jeff’s eyes popped open. “Ahhh, cut it off!” Foxworthy flailed out of his bed in a tangle of sheets.
Luna’s last link to the humans was severed; she opened her eyes and landed on the floor in defeat.
“I am so sorry. I have failed you. It will be back the next time to infect your sleep.”
All three rednecks groaned in unison.
“But as long as none of you dreamed of nopony else, the Tantibus should still be in your dreams, and I will be able to catch it.”
The humans averted eye contact with the Princess of the Night, wondering who should be the first to break the news to Luna.
“Uh, Princess, over the last few days I may have dreamt of pretty well all of Ponyville at one point or another,” Larry said at last.
“Me too,” admitted Jeff.
“Uh, me too, and a lot of dead movie stars,” Bill chimed in.
At this new revelation, Luna’s heart froze in her chest.
“But that mean’s the Tantibus could be turning everypony’s dream into a nightmare,” said Twilight, her voice laced with panic.
“It is far worse than that. Infecting all those dreams gives the Tantibus more and more power,” Luna said nervously. “Soon it will be able to escape into the real world and infect Equestria with its nightmare plague.”
Larry cracked his neck with his hands and replied, “Well, what are we waiting for? Bill, break out the Nyquil. Jeff, go downstairs and bring up three of Twilight’s books.”
“Which ones?”
“Any of them. They’re all drier than week old toast. We need to go to sleep fast.”
“Hey!” the Princess of Magic said indignantly.
“Make it four, Jeff. I’m coming too,” Spike said determinedly.
“Hey!” Twilight said again.
“Hold on a cotton picken minute,” Bill said. “How in God’s name are we supposed to find this thing? If it’s not in our dreams, then we’re S.O.L. It could take days to hunt down this black fart if it’s in someone else’s head.”
Bill’s comment crushed what little hope remained in the room.
“What does S.O.L mean?” Spike asked suddenly.
Before anyone could answer the baby dragon, Twilight piped up, “What if everypony was having the same dream?”
Luna thought about this for a moment. “I can create shared dreams. But for so many ponies at once. I have never done anything like that. The amount of power it would take . . .”
Jeff waved off her concern. “Ah, heck. You can do it, Luna. I mean giving everyone the same dream can’t be harder then raising the moon every night, right?”
The dark alicorn shook her head. “I appreciate your confidence, human, but you have no idea what you’re speaking of. I shall make this attempt, but all of you must go back to sleep and hope that I can create such a dream.”
And with that, the rednecks, Spike, and Twilight laid down and soon entered Luna’s realm.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Bill opened his eyes. He was in Ponyville. He looked around to see many strange things like flying books, beer cans drinking other beer cans, and Larry driving the largest tank ever.
Popping open a hatch, Larry poked his head out and yelled, “Get on board, little chillen. There’s room for many and more.”
Engvall grinned and climbed aboard the massive vehicle. “Where’s Luna and the others?” asked Bill.
“Middle of town. Come on. Grab onto one of them 50 cal’s and hold tight. This thing might have a fat ass, but it moves quicker then Dashy.”
Before Bill could ask another question, the tank teleported into the center of Ponyville.
Other town’s people were coming out of their houses and looking around at the strange scene before them.
“Ponies!”
The call came from Princess Luna. Encased in a shimmering ball of magic, the alicorn struggled to maintain the dreamworld while talking to her subjects. The ponies bowed before the Princess of the Night.
“There is no time for bowing, my friends. There is something coming, something terrible." Luna’s eyes widened in terror as she pointed to some object in the distance. “No! It is already here!”
From out of nowhere, a monstrous black cloud loomed over the horizon.
Larry put down his binoculars as the cloud thundered ever closer. Pushing the transmit button on his radio, he said, “Skaladrax, I’m gonna need some Willie Pete up here.”
“What?” came the reply.
Larry rolled his eyes. “White phosphorous. We’re gonna toast this bucker like a marshmallow, and then were gonna eat it with graham crackers and chocolate.”
“Uh, okay.”
Not waiting for orders, Bill opened fire on the Tantibus. The rounds passed harmlessly through the smoke monster.
Off to Engvall’s side Luna yelled over the din of machine gun fire. “I am so sorry. I brought this upon you! But I will end it now!” Mustering all the energy she could, she fired magic lightning at the smoke monster. The attack pushed back the black cumulus, but Luna quickly ran out of power and could not capitalize on her success.
Seeing the alicorn falter, Larry screamed down into the tank, “Now, damn it!”
“Firing!” Granny Smith shouted back.
Engvall paused in his shooting as he recognized the voice. “Was that . . .” Moments later, the tank’s dual 88 millimeter cannons fired. The incendiaries flew straight and true but detonated prematurely when a flock of flying books got in the way. As the ashes tumbled to the ground, Bill noticed that Luna was gasping for breath.
Abandoning his 50 cal, Bill ran up to the alicorn and asked, “Luna, what’s up?”
“It’s taking all my strength to hold this massive dream together. I wish I didn’t have to ask this, but you and your friends must stop it.”
Bill could feel his balls shrink in fright as he saw the Tantibus turn several houses into mansion monsters. But despite this he said, “No problem. You just keep doing whatever you’re doing. Everything is going to be okay.”
Granny Smith called from the tank. “Hey youngun, we’ve run out of ammo.”
“How’d we manage that? We’re in a dream. That’s like saying Mexico ran out of refried beans and tacos.”
The old pony rubbed her chin. “If I had to guess, I’d say Princess Luna is having trouble holding together this dream.”
When Larry heard this, he poked his head out of the tank’s cupola and brought up his binoculars. Bill, dual wielding two chainsaws was fighting side by side with John Wayne, Robert Mitchum, Lee Van Cleef, and several other ponies in a desperate battle defending Luna from a horde of nightmares. The alicorn looked like she was about to collapse from exhaustion. The redneck turned his binoculars towards the Tantibus. It had just torn another rift in the dream fabric, and Twilight's pony friends were fighting to keep it from escaping.
“Skaladrax!” Larry called down into the tank.
“Yeah, Booze Hound?”
“Broken talon! Get Foxworthy and his crew in the fight.”
Immediately Spike transmitted this message into his radio.
“It’s about time,” came the reply.
Moments later, the sky filled with hundreds of dragons. Jeff led the charge on a huge red, white, and blue wyrm. In one hand he wielded a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag and in the other an M16 rifle.
Intense fighting surged above and in the town for several more minutes until finally Luna gave a despairing cry. “I, I can’t hold this dream together for much longer. I’m so sorry, my friends. This is all my fault. I’m no better than the Tantibus.”
No sooner had Luna uttered these words, the monster attacked in every direction. Foxworthy and his dragons were knocked out of the sky, Larry’s tank was destroyed, and Bill’s movie star idols were killed again.
Popping the emergency hatch, Larry, Spike, and Granny Smith all stumbled out of the Murica XXXL Super Abrams.
“Thank God for American made dream armor,” wheezed the Cable Guy.
“What happened?” Spike asked dizzily.
“I don’t know, but we should go check on Luna,” Granny replied.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Climbing out of the twelve-foot deep crater he and his mount made when he crashed through a monster house, Jeff looked around and spotted Luna and Bill. The alicorn had tears running down her face as Engvall tried to start up his remaining chainsaw.
“I’m telling ya, Princess, that thing is feeding off the bad vibes you’re giving off right now,” Bill said as he yanked on the starter rope on the saw’s engine. “You gotta think positive like me. Work you sucky bucky piece of . . .”
“If that is so, perhaps that is how it grew strong enough to escape in the first place,” replied the distraught alicorn.
Jeff looked off in the distance. The Tantibus had morphed itself into a colossal human, armed with a celestial weed eater. Slowly but surely it was slicing away at the slim fabric of reality that separated the waking world from the dream realm.
When Engvall saw this, he immediately abandoned his attempt to start his broken saw. “What do you mean? Do you feel like crap every night? Uh, if it’s girl trouble, maybe I should get Twilight.”
“No. I created the Tantibus to give myself the same nightmare every night. . .to punish myself for the evil I caused as Nightmare Moon.”
Bill blinked as he took in this new information. “You were in a heavy metal band and did some stuff. Is that what you’re saying?”
“No, dummy,” Jeff said as he limped his way over to the pair. “She used to be Nightmare Moon. Her sister had to banish her to the moon for a thousand years because of several understandable unfortunate misunderstandings.” Foxworthy’s voice trailed off because he was running out of ways to put a good spin on Nightmare Moon.
Engvall stared at his fellow redneck in surprise.
“What?” Jeff asked. “The History of Equestria is the only book in Twilight’s bathroom.”
Bill shook his head and turned his attention back to Luna. “Why the hell would you do that to yourself? That’s worse than playing roshambo with Big Mac when he has his shoes on. You couldn’t have been that evil.”
“I created it to make sure I never forgave myself for how much Equestria has suffered because of me. It seems I have not learned my lesson. I’ve only made my ponies and you suffer more.”
Bill sternly replied, “Honey, listen. That was a thousand years ago. No one cares what you did back then. I don’t even remember what you did yesterday.”
Jeff nodded. “He’s right. I don’t remember or care what anyone did yesterday.”
Bill pointed at Foxworthy. “You see?”
Luna, however, was unconvinced. “You humans have no idea what I’ve done. I’m no better now as I was then. Because of me, everypony is doomed.”
Engvall nodded. “You’re right. I don’t know what went down years ago. I don’t know what’s going to happen if that thing breaks out of here. And I sure as hell don’t know if I want to be around when it does. But I do know one thing.”
The alicorn tearfully looked at the human.
“I know that you are not that pony from a thousand years ago. That pony is dead. If you were her, then the Tantibus would already be sipping our brains through a bendy straw. But that is not gonna happen because of you. You have my respect for doing what you do every night. You watch over us and protect us just like you’re doing now. So I don’t give a damn what you did hundreds and hundreds of years ago. I don’t know that pony and I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is what you do now. Do you believe me?”
Luna stopped crying and her eyes grew big in wonder. Just as the Tantibus was about to walk through the hole in unreality, Princess Luna smiled and said, “I do.”
The monster stopped in mid-step and whirled around, a look of shock on its distorted face. Immediately the rift to the waking world was closed, and the dream creature began to shrink. The Tantibus grew smaller and smaller until it was the exact size as its creator. Luna’s creature looked at the princess for a moment before walking forward and was absorbed by the alicorn. Luna looked at Bill and Jeff in immeasurable gratitude. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. We had to chew through a library, but we got here.”
Jeff and Bill turned around and saw Larry, Spike, and Granny covered in paper cuts.
Before anyone could say anything else, the rednecks were waking up in Twilight’s bedroom.
Twilight groaned. “What happened?”
“Luna did it,” Bill answered. “Apparently, she has issues from a thousand years ago, but with a little tough love, she saw the light and, uh, I guess she ate the Tantibus.”
Both Twilight and Spike looked at Engvall skeptically.
“It’s true. Saw and heard the whole thing,” Jeff said coming to his friend’s aid.
“Hey, where’s Larry?” Spike asked.
Everyone looked around, and sure enough the Cable Guy was missing.
Moments later, they heard the jolly man coming up the stairs. The next thing the group knew, Larry was kicking open the door, bottles in hand yelling, “We won guys! Let’s introduce the ladies and children to Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam!”
Immediately everyone shushed the redneck and pointed to Princess Luna who was sleeping soundly in the middle of the room.
Getting up from his bed, Jeff placed his blanket over the alicorn’s sleeping form.
“Let’s celebrate downstairs,” he whispered. “She’s had a long night.”