“I’m sorry, Twilight. Could you say that again?” Larry the Cable Guy asked. “I’m pretty hammered.” He was sure he had heard her correctly but hoped he was wrong.
The panicking unicorn let out a frustrated sigh and repeated, “I was supposed to be pet sitting Angel, but he found his way into the castle’s basement, and Fluttershy will be here any second.”
The human blinked at Twilight. “Nope, I heard right. A hell demon is loose in the maze of never ending despair.”
“Please, Larry, I need your help. I asked Bill, but he said he slipped a disk while he was on the can . . . whatever that means. And Jeff took his truck to pick up blinker fluid. I’ve never heard of that, but I’m sure it’s important.”
Before the fat redneck could ask if she really bought that load of bull-crap from his “friends,” Twilight renewed her pleas. “I’ll distract Fluttershy while you look for Angel.”
“I’m sorry, Twilight, but I’m not nearly drunk enough to consider what you asked me to do.” He pointed to the massive pyramid of beer cans. “Besides, that bunny is bucking evil, and he hates me. He told Discord to turn my blood into chocolate a month ago. Now every time I get a nose bleed it’s like I’m eating a s’more.”
The alicorn glanced at the entrance to her castle nervously. “I’m sure he’s sorry for that. But you should be able to find him pretty easily. The basement isn’t that big and scary.”
Larry stared at her. “Didn’t Daring Do go down there?”
“Yes,” Twilight replied slowly.
“Well? Did she ever come out?”
The pony cringed. She was hoping that he wouldn't bring that up. “Uh, I’m sure she’s fine. I think there’s several ways in and out of the basement. Besides, you won’t be down there alone. Spike is looking for Angel, too.”
Larry dragged his hand slowly down his round face. “Oh, great. Now I gotta find him before the furry jabberwocky does.”
Twilight didn’t say anything. She just looked up at him with big sad eyes.
“Luna, damn it. Fine, I’ll go down there. If I don’t come back from this, tell Bill and Jeff that I was the one who put their hands in the water glasses as they slept. Heh, heh, heh. Man they were pissed.”
Twilight smiled brightly at Larry. “I knew I could count on you. Here’s a walkie-talkie. Spike has the other one with him. He should be checking in any time now.” At that moment there was a hesitant tapping on the front door. “Gotta go! Thank you. I owe you one.”
The redneck gulped as he stood before the basement door. He did not want to do this at all, especially since he had been up most of the night with Rainbow Dash watching slasher fics. Flashlight in hand, the cable guy descended the stairs to the musty abyss. Down he went into the depths, his flashlight punching through the blackness like a long bright spear. Each wooden step creaked mournfully as he put his weight on it. Larry halted. He could have sworn he saw something. He panned his light to the ceiling. Above him hovered what looked to be a shimmering blob of night. It quickly retreated into its ebony surroundings. At that moment, the radio burst into static life.
“Violet Star, this is Skaladrax. Come in, over.”
Spike’s booming voice over the two-way radio elicited a scream of terror from the human. The flashlight went tumbling down the stairs. Larry gasped into the radio, “Skaladrax, this is Booze Hound. What’s your twenty?”
“Larry, uh, I mean Booze Hound, where’s Violet Star?”
“She’s stalling Hippie Queen in front of your stack of bricks.”
A long pause followed before Spike replied, “What does that mean?”
“It means Fluttershy’s at the front door wondering where her pet rabbit is. Now where are you?”
Only silence answered the human as the seconds dragged on. “Skaladrax, come in. What’s your twenty, good buddy?”
At first only static answered his question before a scratchy, high-pitched voice replied, “Sorry, Booze Hound. I was paying the water bill. I found the rabbit, and I’m doing a flip-flop now. You should be in my back pocket in a short short. Lot lizards are on me tonight.”
Larry stared at the dull lights on his radio in confusion. He had been working on Spike’s trucker lingo, and he was pretty sure they hadn’t covered what a lot lizard was. Also, it sounded like Spike had been hitting Pinkie’s helium tanks again. The red neck pondered this as he reached the bottom of the staircase. As his feet touched the floor, the human sank up to his knees in mud.
“What the hell?” Larry asked as he tried to struggle out of the muck. Not bothering with the radio lingo, Larry yelled into the two-way, “Spike, I’m in more trouble than a T-Rex in a row-boat. I think that furry bastard set, a, trap, for . . . ” Larry finally stopped transmitting when he heard his words being echoed from right in front of him.
“Funny you should say that,” the high-pitched voice replied. And with a click of a light switch all was revealed.
Larry’s jaw dropped in horror as he gazed up at a very large and very angry Angel Bunny. In one large paw was Spike’s radio. In the other was Spike, or what was left of him anyway. Floating above and behind the mutated rabbit was the same oozing darkness he had seen earlier. However, Larry’s attention was focused completely on the monster rabbit’s gaping maw. The killer bunny let loose a roar and closed his jaws around the fat human’s head.
* * * * * * * * * * *
“Jeff. Jeff Foxworthy, are you even listening to me?”
The redneck in question started and banged his long legs on the small desk. “Ow, damn it all, uh, Golden Corral. Is that the answer?”
Twilight blinked at the human. “This is an Equestrian history lecture, not a lecture on American cuisine.”
Foxworthy rubbed his tired eyes and yawned. “Are you sure? What was the question?”
“What year did Princess Celestia become ruler of Equestria?”
Jeff thought about this for a moment before answering. “Golden Corral would sure hit the spot right now. Do you know that if you get the buffet, you can fill up this . . .” Jeff yawned again before continuing, “this crappy little take home box for like ten bucks or whatever that thing costs?”
The alicorn faced-hoofed, “Bill, do you know the answer?”
Bill Engvall took a pull from his gallon jug. The human seemed to barely contain himself in his desk as he replied way too fast. “Wha-what was the question? Wait let me think. Is it about Sun Butt? A.k.a Princess Celestia, the Princess Celestia? The pretty, perfect, porcelain pony perched ponderously on Canterlot’s peachy peaks?”
Jeff gave his friend a sleepy look. “Bill, what the hell are you drinking?”
“Pinkie’s brew.”
Twilight’s mouth fell open in shock. The last time she had that, she almost died of a heart attack from just one sip. From the looks of Engvel’s container, he had had two quarts worth so far. “Why would you do that to yourself?”
Bill’s eyes started twitching uncontrollably. “I can’t sleep anymore. I won’t sleep anymore. Every time I do I get nightmares. Bad nightmares, the kind I wouldn’t wish on Satan, Tirek, or Barrack Obama. In my dreams a glittery black blob keeps floating around making a perfectly good dream go FUBAR in a big way.”
What his fellow redneck just said made Foxworthy sit up and take notice. “Me too. My dreams start out great, but this flying dark purple crap comes out of nowhere and turns everything creepy. And I mean Grade A Five Nights at Freddy’s scary.”
Twilight pulled at her chin in thought. “Interesting. You two are experiencing very similar nightmares.”
At that moment a very loud snort filled the air. All eyes turned to Larry the Cable Guy who was snoring in the back of the room. “Spike, I’m, I’m, in more trouble than a, than a, a T-Rex in a rowboat.”
Bill bobbed his head up and down enthusiastically and pointed. “Yep, yep, yep he’s having a nightmare, uh-huh, definitely, I can tell.”
Jeff ran a hand through his unkept hair. “I don’t know Bill. Just because we’ve been having bad dreams whenever we get some shuteye doesn’t mean he does too.”
Twilight nodded. “I agree. I am sure that this is all a coincidence. Now back to the lesson. Princess Celestia inherited the throne in the year . . .”
“Ah, buuuck!” Larry the Cable Guy screamed as he fell over backwards, toppling his desk.
In an instant Larry’s friends were by his side.
“Are you alright?” asked Twilight.
Larry gulped down several lung fulls of air before answering. “Oh my God, you sent me down your basement to die.”
Jeff rolled his eyes. “It was a dream, dummy. Twilight’s castle doesn’t have a basement.” The lanky human turned to the pony and asked, “Or does it? This place is kind of weird.”
Twilight shook her head.
The fat human blinked at this piece of news. A few moments later he smiled and let out a huge sigh of relief. “I’m alive, ain’t I?”
After helping Larry to his feet, Bill asked, “Did you see it? Did you see it? Did you see the flying burnt cookie?”
The cable guy gave his hyper friend a strange look. “What’s he on?”
“Mountain Dew times thirty,” Jeff replied while fighting back a yawn.
“Larry, I’m sorry that you had a bad dream, but as to Bill’s question, did you see a floating black . . . thing in your dream?”
The human’s eyes widened. “Yeah, I sure did. That thing looked kind of like Luna’s mane, except it was as dark as night and had bright specks like stars on it.”
Everyone stared at Larry for a long moment.
“Larry,” Jeff said dryly, “that’s exactly what her mane looks like.”
“Idiot,” Bill muttered.
Twilight rubbed her temples. “Meet me in the map room.”
A few minutes later the rednecks, alicorn, and Spike gathered around the enormous map of Equestria.
Twilight cleared her throat and said, “Spike, take a letter please.”
“Sure, Twilight, what do you want to say?”
“Dear, Princess Luna, my human friends are all having odd nightmares about a strange, uh . . .”
“Just call it a blue smoke thingy,” Larry said helpfully.
“Blue smoke thingy,” Twilight continued. “I know you’re very busy, but when you have the chance, please let me know if you have any idea what this could mean. Yours, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
With that, Spike rolled up the scroll and sent it away with a breath of green flame. Not more than two seconds later, the Princess of the Night materialized in the map room.
“Which of you saw the creature of blue smoke in your nightmare?”
Jeff raised his eyebrows. “Dang, that was quick. Are we in trouble?”
Before Luna could answer, Bill started bouncing up and down. “Me, me, I saw the blue fart! It was awful. The thing just jumps into other things and makes them want to kill ya. I mean, good God. What the hell did we all get into? We . . . .” All at once the hyper Engvall stopped jumping and slowly sat down on the floor. “Oh no, I’m coming down,” he said morbidly.
Larry took off his cap and combed his hair with his fingers. “Princess Luna, I think I speak for my fellow bumpkins when I say that we’ve all seen the smoke demon for the last few nights. And each time we see it, our dreams turn sour.”
She nodded. “The ‘demon’ of which you speak is called the Tantibus. It is a creature of my nightmares. It escaped from my slumber three days ago. Why did you three not mention your nightmares to anypony else before now?”
“Cause we’re men,” Jeff responded drowsily. “The rule of thumb is to wait at least two weeks until we ask for help on anything.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Princess, how did the Tantibus escape from your dream?”
Luna frowned. “The Tantibus is like a parasite. My dreams must no longer be enough for it. Now it must be looking for others to corrupt.” The more the alicorn spoke, the more panicky she became. “It must have learned of you three from seeing you in my dream.”
Larry held up his hands. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out. You were dreaming of the three of us? Was it good?”
The Princess of the Night pressed her lips together and stared at the redneck. “It was tolerable.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Spike chimed in, “If all the Tantibus is doing is giving these three nightmares.”
“Hey, if you want this thing, I’d be more than happy to give it to you, since you know, it’s not a big deal and all,” Bill snarled from the floor.
“No, this is a great problem. I did not realize the Tantibus was powerful enough to escape my dreams. If it’s power keeps growing, it could escape into the real world. It could turn all of Equestria into a living nightmare.” When Luna was done speaking, she looked absolutely terrified.
* * * * * * * * * * *
That night, the three humans found themselves in Twilight’s sleeping quarters. Bill was the first to break the awkward silence. Hugging his John Wayne plushy he asked, “Uh, so what’s supposed to happen?”
“As the three of you slumber here, I will pursue the creature into whatever dream it infests,” answered the dark blue alicorn.
Jeff sighed. “Well, boys, let’s get this over with. And, Larry, if you put my hand in water while I’m sleeping, I swear to you no one will find your body.”
Larry smiled. “You’re still mad about that? I keep telling ya it was Discord.”
Ignoring the human’s banter, Twilight asked the older Princess, “What can Spike and I do to help?”
“Nothing, unfortunately. This task is something I must do alone. Only I can move from dream to dream.”
“A few shots of Jack Daniel' or Johnnie Walker would be nice,” Bill suggested.
Spike frowned. “Who are they? Are they friends of yours? Why do you want to shoot them?”
“Guys, we need to introduce the ladies and Spike to Jack and Johnnie if we get through tonight,” Larry declared.
“You will survive the night. I promise you that,” Luna said resolutely. “Now dream my friends. Dream of laurels yet to be won, songs yet to be sung, and of labors yet to be done.”
Very soon all three humans were asleep.
* * * * * * * * * * *
“Congratulations!”
Jeff Foxworthy rubbed his eyes at the sudden bright light. After blinking away the blurry after images, he found himself at the entrance of a huge Walmart.
“Granny Smith, what are you doing here?”
“Who cares? You’re our one trillionth customer. That means you get to spend a trillion dollars on whatever you want in the store. Here’s your gift card.”
She shoved into his hands a square piece of plastic worth more than the GDP of several countries. Tears of joy began to fall from the human’s face as he said, “This is the best day of my life.”
The old pony smiled warmly. “That’s nice, dear. Now get your shit and get out.”
Jeff’s eyes nearly popped out of his head as he backed away from the Walmart greeter. “Uh, yes ma’am.”
He happily began cartwheel-ing down the aisles. His mind buzzed with possibilities. He was so enamored with his newfound fortune that he crashed into a pony stocking beauty products.
“Ow, sorry about that, buddy, I . . . wait a sec, ain’t you Rarity? One of Twilight’s besties?”
“Yes, sir. And you must be our trillionth customer. Oh, this is so exciting. How may I help you today?”
Jeff scratched his chin as he looked around the store. “Uh, I would ask why Walmart is in Equestria all of a sudden, and why I’m the only customer here. But let’s go to the check out. I’m gonna buy Walmart.”
“Excellent choice, darling. Now right this way to the checkouts.”
Grinning from ear to ear Jeff followed the pony back to the store entrance.
“May I see your card?”
“Yes, you may.” As soon as the redneck handed the card to Rarity, the stuff of pure nightmares appeared right beside the fashionista.
Jeff stared at the smoke monster while Rarity was running his transaction. The beeps and whirs of the credit card machine caught the attention of the creature. It drifted closer to investigate.
“Oh, no you don’t,” Jeff yelled as he lunged over the counter, much to the unicorn’s surprise.
But he was too late. The Tantibus was passing through Jeff’s body and into the credit card machine.
Rarity gasped in horror. “Oh no, out of all the possible things that could happen this is The. Worst. Possible. Thing. I’ll have to call tech support.”
“What?” Jeff asked as he struggled to get his head out of a wastebasket behind Rarity’s counter.
“Human, hold still,” a familiar voice commanded.
The wastebasket was lifted from Jeff’s head. Jeff shook his head and spat out a coffee filter. “Princess Luna, what are you doing here?”
“This is a dream, remember?”
“No, it’s not. I just won a trillion dollars. I got the card to prove it.”
As soon as the Redneck turned around, the credit card machine had turned into a twenty foot tall monstrosity. The creature had a computer monitor for a head, and the image in the screen smiled as it held his card over a paper shredder. Jeff cried out in horror as metallic fingers let go of his hopes and dreams to be devoured by cold, unforgiving teeth. Luna blasted the enormous monster back to the pieces from which it formed.
Whirling on the alicorn, Jeff yelled, “Damn it, couldn’t you have done that a bit sooner?”
Luna ignored him as she kept firing bolts of magic at the Tantibus. But the smoke monster was too quick. The dream creature dove into an open box of Cheerios and was gone.
“It has jumped into another dream. I am sorry to leave you here, but if I am to stop it, I must follow it to where you cannot.”
Jeff sighed. “Alright, you go on ahead. I think I’ll stay here and see what they got in the bargain section in the back.”
“Sir?”
Jeff turned around to see a very perturbed looking Princess Twilight in a Wal-mart vest.
“Is your friend going to pay for the damage she has done to my store, or are you?”
The redneck gulped and smiled nervously. Half a heartbeat later Jeff bolted for the exit. “Wait for me, Princess!”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“On your feet, Mississippi. They got the McDonald boy in that saloon. I don’t intend to keep him waiting in there any longer then I have to.”
Immediately Engvall stood up catching a second wind. He broke open his side by side shotgun and loaded two shells into the breaches. “How many guys you think are holed up in there, Duke?”
John Wayne eyed him sternly. “Why do you keep calling me that?”
“No reason. I, I’m just glad to be workin with ya, that’s all,” Bill stammered on the verge of having a fangasm.
“Well, I’ve been called worse, but for the last time, my name is Cole Thornton. Now come on, let’s slip around back.”
Bill nodded as both he and his childhood hero crept closer to the back of the saloon. In front of the door, a lone guard stood vigil.
“I wish I had Bull and his bow and arrow here,” Cole muttered.
Bill was about to suggest an idea on how to dispatch the sentry when his eyes grew wide in surprise. The creature was hard to make out in the night, but Bill could still see the monster. Oozing its way out of a nearby rain barrel, the smoke demon made its way to the back door of the saloon. The gun toting guard seemed not to mind as the creature approached him. Instinctively, Bill brought up his weapon and aimed it at the Tantibus.
“He’s too far away, Mississippi,” Thornton hissed as he pushed down Engvall’s shotgun.
Bill stared at his childhood hero. “Wait, can you see that thing?”
“See what?”
Bill didn’t answer. He was too focused on the Tantibus passing through the thug. Instantly, the bandit’s hands were changed into two Gatling guns.
“Get down, Duke!” Engvall screamed as the bandit looked their direction while his gun-arms started to spin.
Cole was the first to recover as he aimed around the corner of the building. Thornton pulled the trigger on his lever action rifle, and to his surprise, Princess Luna leaped from the barrel right at the warped bandit. Both humans watched in awe as Luna blasted the bad guy out of his boots. Not skipping a beat, the Princess did a midair U-turn and landed right in front of Bill. “Human, which way did the Tantibus go?”
Engvall shook his head and scratched at his beard. “Uh, I don’t know. I lost track of it when that terminator noticed me and John.”
John Wayne looked at the alicorn and then dug out a bottle of whiskey from his jacket. Wordlessly the gunman uncorked the drink and drained what was left of the contents. When he was done he said, “When I tell my friends a flying unicorn saved my back side, I want them to think I was drunk, not crazy.”
Bill was about to make introductions, when a pair of automatic glass doors materialized on a nearby post office. John, Bill, and Luna all aimed their weapons at the anomaly. The doors opened, and out stumbled Jeff Foxworthy.
The lanky human dove through the portal dodging violet magic darts. Moments later, the doors closed and all was still. “Hoo boy, that was close.”
Bill blinked and lowered his scattergun. “Jeff? Where did you come from?”
“Walmart. I won a trillion dollars, and then that blue bastard dropped my card into the shredder.” Foxworthy then looked at Luna as Bill helped him to his feet. “Twilight is kind of mad that you wrecked her store, by the way.”
Luna gaped at the new arrival in disbelief. “No, this cannot be. How are you here in the dream of another?”
Jeff was about to offer an explanation when he caught sight of John Wayne still pointing a rifle at his head. “Oh. My. God. Are you him? Are you the Duke?”
Cole Thornton looked at Bill and back at Jeff. “Apparently.”
“I don’t have time for this. By now the Tantibus has fled to another dream.” With that, the alicorn took off into the night.
“Come on, we gotta follow her,” Jeff commanded.
“To where? We don’t even know where that thing went,” Bill whined.
“Are you kidding me? We’ve been the Tantibus’s play things for the past three nights. He’s visited the two of us. That only leaves fat white Albert.”
Bill nodded and turned his attention to John Wayne. “Duke, come with us. We could use your help.”
Cole shook his head. “I can’t. Someone has to rescue the McDonald boy.”
Engvall thought for a moment before a wide grin split his face.
“What are you smiling about?” asked Thornton.
“Turn around and find out.”
Cole obeyed, and there at his feet was the McDonald boy alive and well, along with half a dozen thugs trussed up like turkeys. Thorton wanted to ask how this happened, but the dream walkers were long gone.