LUNCH BITES!
A Grumpy Goat tale for Hearts and Hooves
by
De Writer
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I was sitting quietly at my favorite table on Caramel Treat's Sweets' outdoor dining plaza. Being dead, I don't really need food but I do enjoy the tastes and textures, so I do. I was wearing my favorite glamor spelled body. I looked just like my handsome piebald goat self from before my "little accident."
The clover top burger was history and I was just tucking into my favorite big onion rings while sipping on my Trottingham clotted cream milkshake when he arrived.
Not liking the big brown earthpony with the huge reddish, scar of twisted, almost burned looking skin on his left shoulder one bit, I muttered, “Blooper!”
That is the one word trigger to one of my favorite defensive spells. I call it Friday the 13th! Sawnax went to haul up a seat at my table. He only half succeeded. As he sat, he went over sideways, landing in a tangle of overturned seat and his own unlovely self.
Even in her pony form, Caramel Treat's Werewolf hearing has to be experienced to be believed. She trotted out of the Sweet's kitchen and looked down at the fallen Sawnax. He made one try at getting up.
His hind hoof slipped and dropped a delicate part of his anatomy across the overturned seat.
With a yelp of pain, he subsided. He is a bad sort but not really stupid. I've used Friday the 13th on him before. It was clear that he remembered it, too. Caramel glared at him and said, “Sawnax, what are you doing here? That Protective Order that we got against you is still in force.
“Peanut Brittle is inside, calling the Ponyville Police right now.”
In an aggrieved tone, Sawnax replied, “Ain't no need fer that! I just wanted to discuss some business with that worthless Goat there.”
I looked down at him and grinned in a lopsided way. “Bad choice of both location and who you wanted to talk to. When I released you from your contract of Immortality, I told you that I would never take another contract with you. I meant it. (For details read Immortality?)
“Besides, I have a long standing contract with Caramel and Fangrin. When I am here or anywhere nearby, I defend them, their patrons, and their business by non-lethal Non Equine Magic. You violated the protective order. I was required by my contract to both stop and detain you for the police.
“Besides, you were reaching for my onion rings! Self defense in any instance!”
Before he could think of any retort, we were interrupted by a far more welcome visitor. Reverend Smallflower, in his simple flat hat came directly to my table.
He spared a glance for Sawnax and then turned to both me and Caramel. Smiling, he asked, “Have I come at a bad moment?”
Sawnax snapped, “Get out of here, you old fraud!”
Both Caramel and I replied, “Not at all. The police are sending Constable Crager around to collect the trash. Your presence has already made the day better.”
I pulled out a seat for him. “Order what you wish, Reverend. It is on me.”
Peanut Brittle, Caramel's lovely palomino waitress was already hoofing him a menu.
While he was looking over the entrees, Reverend Smallflower said, “My true reason for coming here was simple. I heard that Grumpeter was in town and he always stops here. I wished to speak to not only him, but you, Caramel and your excellent mate Fangrin.
“We are planning a special Hearts and Hooves day celebration at the Assembly. We are asking that you all three come. Caramel, you and Fangrin are requested to be changed to your wolf forms. Grumpeter, if you would be so kind, be in your invisible spirit body with your floating skull, as you are when you greet most clients at your cave.”
Fangrin, in wolf form, had joined us so silently that it was a surprise when he spoke. “We will be delighted to come, Reverend. Why do you want us to be in our forms that make so many ponies so uncomfortable?”
Reverend Smallflower handed the menu to Peanut and ordered, “A clover top burger and the special house onion rings please. A strawberry milkshake to go with it. Thank you, my dear.”
Turning directly to Fangrin, the Reverend replied to him, “We of the Assembly wish to demonstrate that love and care are not dependent upon the form. You know that we welcome all, be they pony of any kind, goat, donkey, horse, gryphon or any other creature of thought and wisdom.
“Our Assembly Council debated it for long time, trying to find a way to make the point that love is not limited. We are all the creations of Skyglow, Titan of Life Creation, and cared for by her created daughters, the Princesses Celestia and Luna. We could not think of a better way to underline the point than to invite you.”
Peanut brought out the Reverend's order and he got briefly busy. He is not a wealthy pony and most of what he does get goes to doing good things for others, regardless of what sort they may be. We all let him enjoy it.
He pushed back from the table with a smile. “That was most welcome, Grumpeter. For a self avowed evil being, you are most kind and generous. I rarely get the opportunity to have such a meal.”
Caramel pointed out, “That is because you spend almost all that you get on helping others, instead of yourself. Why do you think that we go to your Assembly? It is one of the few places where we are welcomed without question. Plus, we like trying to help you to do good things.”
She snickerd while laying a hoof on my glamored to a visible goat body's shoulder. “Even the EVIL one, here likes to help you to do good.”
I grinned as I replied, “True, but do keep it a secret, will you? It would ruin my reputation!”
“I heared that!” Sawnax yapped. “I gonna tell every pony!”
Fangrin stared down his long wolf muzzle at Sawnax. “That might not be wise. You are well known to have a bad heart in both senses of the term. It COULD catch up to you.”
Just then Constable Crager arrived. “Sawnax, Sir, I must inform you that you are under arrest. You have been charged with violating the Protective Order of Judge Coldheart. As you are well inside the Order's limits, the case is prima-facie.”
He then manacled Sawnax.
I muttered, “Grace.” That released the spell to make Sawnax's removal easy. He was led away, protesting bitterly.
Reverend Smallflower smiled sadly as Sawnax was led off. “If ever there was a pony in need of understanding the beauty of Skyglow's Gift of Life or the Royal Mercy of the Twins, it is he. Sadly, I can do nothing. He must come to us of the Assembly of his own free will. I do fear that he will not.”
Caramel said calmly, “He won't. We will, though. Happy Hearts and Hooves, Reverend.”
~THE END~