//------------------------------//
// February 2016 - Tchernobog - Appledash Across the Mirrors 
// Story: SS&E's Lemurific Box of Pretense and Prose 
// by shortskirtsandexplosions 
//------------------------------//

	"Wooooo!  Yeah!"  Human Dash grinned jubilantly, pointing a victorious finger at "K.O" splattered bloodily across the widescreen t.v.  "You like that?!  I had to download the five dollar DLC to get that fatality, but still.  Heheheh!  Isn't it awesome?!"

"Errrr... yeah..."  Pony Dash fidgeted on the carpeted bedroom floor.  She fumbled to even hold the lopsided controller in her tiny horse hooves.  "Supremely radical," she droned.  "Which button does that again?"

"Oh.  Dude."  Human Dash gestured with her articulate fingers.  "It's—like—three buttons and what we l33t fighting game fans like to call a pretzel motion with the left D-Pad.  It's not for casuals.  Not that I'm... eheheh... calling anyone out.  Or in your case, 'anyhorsie.'  That's what you pony girls say back in Disneyland, right?  'Anyhorsie?'"

"Uhm... 'anypony' will do," Pony Dash corrected.  "And it's 'Equestria' by the way."  She coughed.  "Say... could we find something else on this electric game box to play?"

"But we just got started!"

"Dude."  Pony Dash frowned.  "You beat me—like—twenty times in a row!  I stink at this controller nonsense!"

"Sounds like somehorsie has to get good!"

"It's somepony and... and..."  Pony Dash rolled her eyes.  "Say, what about that Pac-Mane game?  That looked pretty snazzy."

Human Dash arched an eyebrow.  "Pac-Man?  Pffft... that junk is old as heck."

"Yeah, and—like—you only need one stick to play it.  That's more my speed."

"Wuh ohhhh..."  Human Dash folded her arms with a smirk.  "Sounds like a backdown to me."

"What, you scared of getting your pasty, hairless flank owned at something retro?"

"Hell, no!"  With a flurry of button commands, Human Dash brought the game back to the main menu and booted up the classic title in question.  "My score's gonna cream yours!"

"We'll see about that!"  Pony Dash smirked.  "Hehehehe!  I just love the 'bleep' and 'bloop' noises this thing makes!  So nifty."

"Hah!  That's the same thing Applejack says!  I totally beat her at Pac-Man too."

The pegasus glanced up at her human counterpart.  "Huh?"

"Pffft.  Typical farmgirl."  Human Dash rolled her eyes.  "She treats anything that you gotta hook up to the television like some cosmic gift from Prometheus or something."

"And... uhhhh... what's that supposed to mean?"

"There!"  Human Dash pointed.  "You're up first!  Eat the pellets!  Avoid the ghosts!"

"Ah jeez!"  Pony Dash gnashed her teeth as she jiggled the controller's stick with wild abandon.  "This is tense!"

"Not as tense as trying to talk Applejack into having another sleepover so I can whoop her butt more at Mortal Kombat."  Human Dash leaned back against the edge of the bed, her nostrils flaring.  "I swear.  That chick's as stiff as a board."

"Yeah, well..."  Pony Dash smirked.  "She's a strong one—if she's anything like my Applejack, that is."

"What, can your Applejack beat you at competitions?"

"Pffft!  Heck no!"  Pony Dash nevertheless cleared her throat.  "I mean... she could if she really tried."

"Hah!  You mean if you let her."

"And... is something wrong with that?"

Silence—save for the electronic gobbling of a pony controlled cheese wedge.

Human Dash's ruby eyes darted over.  "You... you want Applejack to beat you at stuff?"

"I mean... it'd be a change of pace, don't you think?"  Pony Dash shrugged while jerking the stick.  "Give me something to fight for.  I mean... when all you do is win, then the whole game gets kind of boring, y'know?"

"Uh huh..."

"The game of life, I mean."

"Oh.  Sure.  I guess."

"So what if I might look at Applejack every now and then and think, 'Jee, it'd sure be awesome if she could hogtie me sometime.'"

Human Dash blinked hard.

"I m-mean at a hogtying competition, of course," Pony Dash sputtered as she reduced electric blue ghosts to eyeballs.  "She's good with a lasso of course."

"Is she, now?"  Human Dash smirked.  She brushed a lock of hair over her ear.  "That's kinda funny."

"How so?"

"I mean, 'cuz she's a horse and all.  Lassos seem counter-intuitive."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I dunno.  I mean, whenever my Applejack ties me up with a lasso, it's considered... y'know... cookie-crazy cuz..."  Human Dash's voice grew raspier.  She tried clearing her throat, but it only barely worked.  "...y'know... we're non-horse girls... doing semi-horse things..."  A hard gulp.  "Sometimes w-with feeding bags... f-full of whipped cream."

Pony Dash's eyes twitched.  She stared blankly past the t.v. screen, right as a deflating jingle blipped through the speakers.

"H-hey!"  Human Dash smiled crookedly.  "Lookit!  You died!"

"Uhhhh..."

"My turn!"  Human Dash grabbed the controller from Pony Dash and started a new round.  "So... uh... now to murder that high score!"

"You fill your feeding bags with whipped cream?"

"Hah!  Ate three ghosts already!"

Pony Dash squinted.  "Isn't that... kind of messy?"

"Look."  Human Dash's nostrils flared as she bit her lip.  Her hand jerked and jerked the controller.  "Don't judge me.  I mean, you were raised in a barn, after all."

"Hey!  We're ponies!  Not animals!"

"Pfft.  So?"

"So, what if I made gross generalizations?"  Pony Dash pointed.  "Like... look at how smooth and hairless your ears are!  I bet that makes Applejack's lobes extra sensitive for when you're nibbling on them!"

It was Human Dash's turn to twitch.  Somewhere, on a black and blue grid, another yellow pizza thing died horribly.

Pony Dash instantly winced.  "Er... what I mean is..."

"You..."  Human Dash squinted at her.  "...nibble on her ears?"

"No!  Tartarus, no!"  Pony Dash scoffed.  "That's super gross and disgusting and—okayyeahsometimes."  She hung her head.

Human Dash pivoted towards her.  "Does... uhm..."  She gulped dryly.  "...does she ask for you to blow in her ear canals first?"

A rosy blush spread across the pegasus' blue muzzle.  "M-maybe..."

"And... and in return..."

"Bellyrubs."

Human Dash raised an eyebrow.  "Bellyrubs?"

Pony Dash pensively nodded her trembling head.

"Huh..."  Human Dash stared off into the glow of the retro arcade game.  "My Applejack and I do something similar... although it's not nearly as adorable."

"How so?"

"Well, it depends on how many C sized batteries we have..."

"Oh... ohhhhhh..."  Pony Dash nodded.  "I get ya."

"You do?"

"Yeah.  In Equestria, we have the petrified crystalline hearts of fossilized sirens—"

"Ugh... yeah... okay..."  Human Dash shook her head and raised her hand.  "Say no more."

"What?"  Pony Dash blinked.  "It's super useful!"

"Uh huh.  I bet."

"Best part is that every piece of the siren is naturally waterproof—"

"Ahem.  Your turn again!"





"Heeeeee-yah!"  Humanjack reared her leg back and struck the trunk of an apple tree with the bottom of her boot.

Th-Thunk!  Several apples fell neatly into a basket.

"Whew-weee!"  Ponyjack grinned wide.  The little pony sat on the back of a wagon so she could be closer to eye-level with her bipedal counterpart.  "Not bad!  I swear—dun matter which side of the mirror ya holler from—apple buckin' is in yer blood!"

"Easy for you to say..."  Humanjack wiped the sweat from her freckles with her shirt sleeve and smiled.  "I only walloped three trees and already I'm out of breath!"

"Yeah, well, practice makes perfect.'  Ponyjack hopped down onto the grass and trotted past Humanjack's legs.  "I bet if I came over to yer dimension, I'd wear myself out tryin' to drive one of them fancy cars for more than five minutes!"

"Uhm... hate to break it to ya."  Humanjack blushed slightly.  "But the internal motor does all the work."

"No kiddin'?"

"Besides, I ain't got no license.  Big Mac drives me and Apple Bloom to and from school."

"Heh.  Figures."

"So... is this really what you do all day?"  Humanjack walked down the space between orchards.  "Hoof around and kick trees?"

"Eeyup!  Pretty much!"  Ponyjack had to trot extra quickly to keep up with her doppelganger's gait.  "Why.  Ain't it not the same over in humanville?"

"Actually, we just call it 'earth.'"

"Fancy that!  So do we!"

"And to answer yer question... erm..."  Humanjack rubbed the back of her head.  "Thangs ain't quite so... er... 'hands-on' on our ranch."  She gulped.  "Or 'hooves-on' in yer case.  Eheh."

"Yeah!"  Ponyjack tapped her freckled face in thought.  "I recall our Twilight tellin' me about payin' yer Sweet Apple Acres a visit once.  Quite a fancy industry y'all got goin' on there.  But tell me..."  She squinted up at her friend.  "What exactly is a 'Mexican?'"

"Errrr... s-say!"  Humanjack cleared her voice with a crooked smile.  "I wonder how our Rainbow Dashes are doin' right this second!"

"Huh?  Why?"

Humanjack shrugged.  "Just 'cuz."

"No doubt tryin' to outrace each other across yer school campus or some nonsense."

"Hah!  I'd pay to see that!"  Humanjack smirked.  "My Rainbow Dash would lose for sure."

"What makes ya say that?"

"She ain't got wings on her back all the time."  Humanjack winked.  "That's one edge yer Rainbow's got.  Though, I suppose you could call it cheatin'."

"Hehehehehe..."  Ponyjack shook her head.  "It's never stopped her before!"

"Hah!  I can believe that."  Humanjack paused by a silo with her hands in her pockets.  "Our Rainbows... a regular pair of varmints, huh?"

"Eeyup!"  Ponyjack nodded.  "Rotten to the core!"

"So rotten!"

"In fact... almost makes you wanna..."  Ponyjack shrugged her fuzzy shoulders.  "...take 'em to the woodshed, if ya know what I'm sayin'."

Humanjack blinked.  "Just what are ya sayin'?"

Dead silence.

The cicadas took the opportunity to buzz through the verdant green tree branches.

"Oh... well... y'know..."  Ponyjack leaned back, dealing with a sudden curtain of sweat.  "Everypony in town—friends included—look up to you as a shinin' beacon of honesty... morality... all that nonsense..."

"Uh huh..."  Humanjack squinted.  "...yeah?"

"And so... maybe one of these days... you might happen to have... uhm... y'know..."  Ponyjack cleared her throat.  "...tiedherupinadozenknotsandlefthersomewherealonetofendforherself."  She bit her tiny horse lips shut.

Humanjack blinked.

"Am... am I-I right?"

"Are ya kiddin' me?!"  Humanjack frowned.  "Heck, no!"

"Oh..."  Ponyjack hung her head, digging at the earth with her hoof.  "...shucks."

"I'd put her somewhere soft and comfy!"

Ponyjack blanced up in an instant.  "What?"  She squinted.  "Like in a haystack?"

"I'm sayin' a bed."  Humanjack absent-mindedly stripped her hat off and fanned herself.  "Maybe... y'know... with some red candles to help her see the knots that she's gotta wriggle out of."  A dry gulp.  "And... and some rose petals across the sheets so... sh-she won't have to smell her own backsweat so much."

Ponyjack stared up at her.  She teetered slightly, and her next breath had a zombie strain of velvety dreamliness to it.  "Do... humans sweat as much as ponies?"

"Oh, darlin', like Niagra Falls!"  Humanjack squirmed.  "Erm... wait, ya wouldn't get that analogy."

"S'all good."  Ponyjack shuddered.  "Reckon it's just like a big ol' waterfall... that moans..."

"Especially when ya spank it..."

"...for all them mischievous times she stroked them soft feathers of hers across yer cutie mark..."

"Yes—wait, what?"  Humanjack blinked hard.

"Erm..."  Ponyjack blushed through her freckles.  "Do... d-do humans have cutie marks on their behinds?"

"No... we... we don't."  Humanjack suddenly gazed towards the sun with a glazed expression.  "Though..."  A limp smile hung off her cheekbones.  "...that'd be an awful good place to put one."

Silence.

"...I dun suppose I can fit in yer family's bathtub, can I?" Humanjack wheezed.

"No'm."  Ponyjack pointed past the orchards.  "But there's a heapin' cold lake over yonder."

"Much obliged."  Humanjack tipped her hat and then ran off.

"Hmmmm..."  Meanwhile, Ponyjack leaned against an apple tree with a dreamy sigh.  "...rose petals... good idea..."





Twilight Sparkle looked up from a partially written scroll.

"So there you have it, Spike!"  The alicorn grinned wide, coiling her wings back—with much effort.  "My hypothetical scenario for if we're to start a 'cross-dimensional friendship exchange program!'"

The dragon assistant merely gaped at her from across the tree palace throneroom.

Twilight blinked.  "Is something wrong?!"

"Have you gone bonkers, Twilight?!"  Spike wheezed.  "That is your hypothetical scenario?!  Applejack and Rainbow Dash hanging out with one another's counterparts and... and..."  He fought the urge to vomit.  "...talking up bedroom habits?"

"So?"

"So?!?"  Spike cackled.  "Our Applejack and Rainbow Dash!  Lusting after one another?!  I mean—they're both straight as a razor, Twilight!  What—I mean what were you even thinking?!  This has nothing to do with an interdimensional exchange!  And the moment Princess Celestia reads this she's going to think you've been replaced with a changeling or something!"

"Hmmm... that's just what I thought."  Twilight's eyes glowed bright green, and an emerald flame billowed from a suddenly crooked horn.  "Thank you for being a test subject, whelp."

Spike's eyes bulged.  "Ulp..."  He whimpered as a wave of black magic soared straight at him.  "Mommy!"





"And that..."  Twilight Sparkle swiveled around in her desk chair and pushed a pair of glasses back up the bridge of her button nose.  "...is what I think would happen if the Princess me from Equestria was to fall ill to the demented hysteria that is known as 'shipping.'"

A little purple canine gawked at her from across the school room, eyes wide.

"What?"  Twilight blinked, then brushed her hands across her vest.  "Did I forget to wash my uniform, or—?"

"Are you sick, Twilight?!"  Spike stammered, his ears drooping.  "That is not what I came here to talk to you about!  I mean... what's gotten into you as of late?"

"I already told you, Spike!"  Twilight stood up, smiling with a shrug.  "I'm just... doing my best to fit in here at Canterlot High!  That's all!"

"Mrmmmffffff!"  Sunset Shimmer whimpered into her gag.  Bound in electrical cables, she hung upside down from the ceiling in her underwear.

"Bitch!"  Twilight Sparkle spun, raising the back of her hand.  "What did I tell you about making noise?!  You want a bucket tonight or not?!"