//------------------------------// // Counseling Couples is so Easy, a Dummy Could Do It! // Story: Journal of an Alicorn Clone // by Tired Old Man //------------------------------// Dear Journal, Despite dinner being a vegetable medley soup served with salty crackers, it did not have peas, much to my relief. It had shredded baby carrots instead, which were quite welcome in my eyes… but now that I think about it, couldn't they have used shredded regular carrots? It’s shredded either way, so what’s the difference? Flavor, maybe? It was quite tasty. Cadance and her husband, Shiny Armor, couldn’t stop staring at me as I ate--was I eating the soup wrong? I couldn’t be, since I ate the appetizer salad just fine with a spoon. The other utensil was a fork, and Celestia taught me to never use the same utensil for different meals (something about proper dining etiquette?), but there were only two utensils available, so what choice did I have? Anyway, I barely managed to hold a conversation with them. Who knew they would be so talkative, telling me all about their state of affairs. Or they would have, if I didn’t interject with a simple question. “But you seem like a nice couple! Why would you have an affair?” Suddenly, the air became thick and cold. Like jelly, except you breathe it because it’s still air? It wasn’t fun to breathe, however, since Cadance had a glare that could melt a cold, frosty mountain of ice cream. And it wasn’t directed at me. I did not like this situation one bit, and neither did Shiny. But I had a foolproof plan to fix this, and Celestia taught me just what to do for a tense situation like this: I know her, and she knows I can get under her skin, and she hates that. So if you say something that gets her riled up, play it off as a joke before bla blah bluhblah bla bli blahblah blah. I still can’t believe I memorized most of that warning! Usually I only make it halfway before everything just sounds like different pitches of “blah”. Anyway, her advice sounded… well, sound, so I followed it. “Hah! I’m kidding! Of course Shiny wouldn’t do such a thing to my dear niece, right?” “Never, Princess Celestia! Not in a million years!” he quickly replied just as Cadance’s eyes drilled divots into the back of his head. I smiled as wide as I could, almost as wide as that pink pony from before. It kind of hurt to smile that wide though, so I settled for a smaller smile that didn’t stretch my mouth so much. “Good! Because you should never do it behind her back, you got that?!” “I would never!” “And if you ever consider it, you ask for permission first! Understand?” “I will! ...Wait, what?” “You better wash your hooves and brush your teeth afterwards too!” “Uh…” Whatever Shiny Armor had to say died on his tongue. Even Cadance’s rage fizzled away into confusion equal to her husband. Did I say something wrong again? I hoped not, but now things were weird again, and this time I did not want to stay. I quickly came up with a foolproof plan. “Anyway, thank you for the meal. I will go to my room, and absolutely not sneak into the kitchen later when the Flashy pony isn’t looking. Toodles!” Best. Escape Plan. Ever. Now, about getting past that kitchen door… I have another idea of how to do just that. >~~~< “Shining, dear?” Cadance finally uttered after what seemed an eternity passed in the dining hall. “I would never cheat on you!” came Shining’s rapid-fire response. “Huh?” He took a deep breath. “Sorry. I just wanted to say that one more time. I mean it.” Cadance smiled softly. “Thank you, Shining. That means a lot to me… well, it means a lot to us, doesn’t it?” “Yeah, it does.” Shining looked back to the doorway Celestia left through. “And, uh, now that I got that off my chest, what are we going to do about Celestia?” Cadance pondered on this for a small moment. “I think I’ll just write a letter to Luna about this. Tell her that her sister is… not feeling well.” “Is that all you’re going to say?” “No, of course I’ll give details! Like the fact that she’s taken a bite out of at least a dozen homes.” Cadance paused. “And probably ours when we weren’t looking.” “You think she did?” Shining asked. “You think she didn’t?” “Fair point.” Shining began trotting toward the doorway. “Alright, I’m going to make sure she went to her room. You can write--” “Out of the way!” The warning shot down from one end of the hallway seconds before Celestia zoomed by, pushing a service cart filled to the brim with delectable strawberry fruit parfaits. Angry shouting chefs (plus one very frustrated guard) chased her down to the other end before they rounded a corner and vanished from Shining’s view. Cadance had a hoof firmly planted on her forehead as she groaned, “Shining, what happened now?” “Celestia just ran down the hallway with a service cart full of fruit parfaits,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone. Shining hadn’t turned his head, but if he did, he’d see his wife’s eyes enlarging into dinner saucers as he continued, “Are you going to mention that in the letter too--” “Are you sure you saw that?” she interrupted. Shining turned his head, and raised an eyebrow. “Yes. Is something wrong?” “Do you think she’s going to eat them all?” Shining smirked. “Do you think she won’t?” Shining had never seen his wife move faster in his life. Blasting by him in a pink blur, she turned down the hallway to give chase. Shining merely stood in awe as he heard her bellow out, “She is NOT going to eat all of those! I will find her, and I will have one!”