//------------------------------// // Chapter 03: The Sweetest Roommate // Story: The Trying Times of Ahuizotl // by Rego //------------------------------// Two days. Two agonizing days stuck in the mire of Willowbrook Bayou with cajuns. It might as well have been two years with the gauntlet of garbage my hostesses called Mardi Graze. An entire festival based around food, family, fun, and then more food? If that drivel passes for sustenance in the rest of Equestria, I would welcome a slow death by starvation as a blessed alternative. My only solace was the fact Lacerunner had departed last evening to return to the Shifty Saloon. And I do use "departed" loosely.   “Lyra darling, all I’m saying is y’all can’t be trusting this here creature as far as you can buck him. Honestly, did you take leave of your senses on account of that cattywampus dancer friend of ours?” “And I’m surprised you have followed us this far, Country Comfort,” I spat back as a flame burst from the ground behind us. This sulfuric slice of Tartarus was just a step above Willowbrook Bayou as far as I was concerned. “Though, I guess you’d feel right at home as this seems to be where you get your Cajun culinary inspiration,” I added gesturing to the scorched wasteland of Flame Geyser Swamp.   The pudgy little belle spun around and bucked me solidly in the stomach with one leg, making sure not to turn her sundress up or tussle a single silver hair of her mane. “I ain’t letting you outta my sight until I talk good sense into this one! Bless her heart, she probably don’t know the kind of ruckus rabble-rousers like yourself are capable the moment us good folk look any which way.”   This mare tended to spew whatever inane words enter her mind with such confidence. While this uneducated, stark white earth pony personality was leagues better than she-who-shall-not-be-named, Country Comfort still grated on my last nerve. She was one of the few in the myriad of different personalities that had nothing but absolute contempt for me. It didn’t help that the deluded mare thought she had inherited an enormous hotel empire and was quick to remind Kirth of said fact anytime she caught me in “her” Shifty Saloon.   “Comfort, starting with ‘bless your heart’ doesn’t mean you get carte blanche on everything you say,” Lyra admonished. Lyra had learned the hard way to keep her head forward while leading us through swamp. The slightly toasted mare had already made the mistake of maintaining eye contact with Comfort’s during her ramblings and blindly stepped into a bursting geyser. Fortunately, our guide had firewards to protect herself and her violin, saving me from cycling through personalities trying to find one that knew where we were.   “I meant no offense, but still sweetie, I just can’t believe you’re letting this clodhopper take advantage of your hospitality. Honestly, you young’ns can be so easily led astray by storied saps,” said the changeling masquerading as a hotel mogul.   “Seriously? ‘Young’n?’ You can’t be any older than Bon Bon, and she only has five years on me!”   “Still enough to count, darling. And you should know better than to inquire such a thing of a lady of my refinement.” With each syllable, I could practically taste the sweet tea dripping from her unrefined accent. I made a mental note to find the pony responsible for this personality and throttle them in their sleep.   Lyra simply rolled her eyes as she stepped lightly onward while paying little attention to Comfort’s complaints. Conversation puttered out shortly afterward, but I could still feel my fur scorching under Comfort’s hot glare. It was either that or the cinders from a nearby geyser, but both were equally uncomfortable. At least Country Comfort had the decency to not force conversation where none was needed. I basked in the serene silence of the moment, the sound of the constantly igniting landscape notwithstanding.     The land became more fertile and vibrant as the ash and brimstone was replaced by trees, grasses, a lightly trodden dirt path, and finally a white picket fence. Lyra took a notepad out of her saddlebag and reviewed it before casting a spell on all of us. No one casts spells on Ahuizotl! I readied an angered protest until I noticed the distinct smell of sulfur had left my nostrils. I gave a quick whiff of my fur and smiled. I hadn’t smelled this good in days. Lyra’s cheeky grin told me that my discreet sniffing hadn’t gone unnoticed.   “Thank you kindly for the wash, darling, but I reckon it’ll take a bit more than a quick cleaning spell to get this ready for the next shindig.” Country Comfort gave a mournful sigh over her yellowed sunhat.   “Sorry. My Sparkle cheat sheet only covered fur. I didn’t think I’d be coming home with company.”   “Now don’t you fret none about that. I’ll simply stop by Rarity’s and have her make me a new one. Goodness knows I could use a spa day to catch up on the goings on of Ponyville.” A grunt and shake of a distant tree caught our attention as a large, red stallion bucked an apple tree. “And perhaps admire some of the rural sights.” She fanned herself with her sulfur-filled hat at the sight of the stallion until she sneezed on the yellow dust she was spreading.   Snapping out of her reverie, the annoying country belle turned to me with a steely glare as if she was trying to carve “I’m watching you” onto my forehead. I looked away, but she craned her neck closer and higher to invade my peripheral vision.   “I. Know. Where. Y’all. Sleep!” Comfort seethed between clenched teeth.   “As will I, soon enough,” I replied, unfazed her thinly veiled threats. Excluding the heaven movers, the day I fear a mere pony—or changeling—will be the day Tartarus freezes over. Well, unless Tartarus is a frozen wasteland. In which case, it will be the day it will be a fiery day in Tartarus when I am scared off by somepony like Country Comfort. Well, unless a changeling can also turn into something more formidable than a pony like a manticore or dragon, but I honestly know nothing of the extent of a changeling’s— “Zotey, you coming?”   Snapping out of my musings, I noticed Country Comfort was already gone, leaving me with my new minty roommate. The bulk of my mental burden now gone, I shrugged and followed her towards the little hamlet in the distance, ignoring the fresh aroma of apples from the nearby farm.   As we drew closer to the town, I could feel bile rising in my throat. I should’ve expected this from a place called “Ponyville,” but the extent ponies went to make this sugar-coated fairytale land a reality was overwhelming to say the very least. The pain in my contact cavities was only made worse upon discovering the scent of freshly baked pies emanating from a life size gingerbread house. This nightmare was to be my refuge for the foreseeable future?   The land was littered with thatch roofed cottages brimming with pastel ponies going about their peaceful lives. I could swear there was a song woven through the city streets as everypony seemed to hum the same tune. A local school’s bell tower called several small fillies and colts back from their recess, a few even stopped to notice my very out-of-place form with awe and wonder. My hopes of instilling fear were dashed by a small colt’s warm grin and wave before galloping inside. The nerve! I could feel a growl rising by the second as my vision burned red until a “Hey” from my companion finally ripped me from my musings.   “WHAT?” My roar echoed through the town, stopping all trotters in their tracks to take notice of the large stranger in their midst. Even a few windows opened to see what the fuss was about.   “I just asked if you had any questions so far.” Lyra wore a disapproving frown as she tapped her foreleg on the path. Having been absorbed by my anger, I hadn’t realized she was apparently taking me on a tour of this Ponyville.   “Aside from how anyone can stand to live in such a disgustingly simple town, I have none! It reeks of all the hallmarks of earth pony craftwork. Flower beds and greenery on each windowsill, community marketplaces for antiquated bartering systems, a gigantic crystalline castle looming over us at the edge of town, and most damning of… wait.”   I looked back to make sure I hadn’t—yes, I had seen it clearly and wondered how I missed it in the first place. Close to these quiet, unassuming houses rested a largely out of place crystal tree with an improbable castle balancing on its gemstone branches like some gaudy royal tree house. I had accepted the town’s unsettling proximity to the pony diarchs' city of Canterlot and close connection to the newly rediscovered Crystal Empire, but a castle in walking distance of the town?   “Is that some sort of royal summer home?”   “You weren’t listening at all were you, Zotey?” Again, I cringed at the unwanted nickname. She misread it as a wince and sighed. “That’s the Castle of Friendship for my old-friend-turned-royal, Twilight Sparkle. The whole thing just kinda showed up after she took down Tirek and saved the world.”   Ah yes, the Tirek incident. When I heard Equestria had been saved by one of their princesses, I assumed it was Celestia or Luna. I missed the whole incident while raiding the Crypts of Kazuli, which explained why it had gone largely unnoticed by Equestria. I only heard the story of the ponies' essences being stolen by the Tartarus spawn from Marby at the saloon a week later.   Twilight Sparkle, I feel as though I should know the name. Now that I think about it, I could’ve sworn that I’d heard that name before, but I can’t for the life of me—   “Don’t worry Zotey,” she assured me, patting my back with a knowing nod. She must be misreading my mannerism or purposely ignoring me. “I know Ponyville doesn’t look like much now, I should know because I’m a Canterlot filly myself. But after a few days here, I’m sure the town will grow on you too. Just gotta give it a chance! After all, you haven’t even seen the best part of the entire town yet.”   “Oh, I am waiting with bated breath.”     “Ta da! Welcome to Bon Bon’s, the sweetest sweetery in all of Ponyville!”   My mouth fell agape at the site. Before me was another thatch cottage with a flowerbed windowsill, but like the strange Sofas and Quills she had showed me earlier, the first floor of this house had been converted into a family business. A pair of table and chairs partially rested under a two-toned awning near a large window bearing the shop’s namesake frosted on the front flanked by two wrapped candies. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, despair gripped what little remained of my soul realizing my abode would be, of all possible things, a candy store. What cursed trinket had I stolen to deserve this cavalcade of calamities? “I knew it! Speechless, am I right?” “S-something like that,” I whimpered.   “C’mon, I’ll introduce you to Bon Bon. Oh! But remember, be on your best behavior or else I can’t keep you.”   “Right…” It took me a moment to process what she had just said, but before I could bark back, she was already inside giggling from her snide little victory.   I opened the door to an onslaught of sugary sweets, chocolate treats, and everything in between that haunts every dentist’s nightmare wafting through my nose. A little bell chimed to announce my untimely welcome as the door closed behind, the most unassuming death knell to my former malicious lifestyle.   “Bon Bon! I hope you don’t mind, but I brought a stray home again. I saw his cute widdle face and just couldn’t say no!” I scoffed, but didn’t bother raising my voice. I was too busy balking at my new surroundings. The interior was a quaint and unassuming establishment as one would expect: a checkered tile floor the color of cookies, a display filled with an assortment of treats to fit any palate, a record table in the corner playing little songs that only a pony could stand. My only hope was the melodies wouldn’t molest my mind with invading earworms of these most assuredly repetitive pop songs.   “Ly Ly, you promised you wouldn’t bring anything home this time!” a voice complained from the kitchen jiggling with various pots and pans being moved. “You know we can’t just take in any animal you find when you’re touring.” “But you never can say no to a cute face now can you?” Ugh, playful pouting. Killing me now would be too easy a sentencing, wouldn’t it, my harbinger of misfortune?   “You know me too well, you silly harpy. Fine, let’s have a look at…” Words failed when our eyes met, and for good reason. All the rage and hatred building from the last few days overflowed upon seeing that cream coat, the cotton candy mane, and that worthless excuse for a cutie mark.   “YOU!”   “Her?”   “Oh butterscotch! L-Lyra, what did I say about bringing anything remotely villainous into the hou-WAHH!” The sentence faltered as I pounced for the neck. The pony held up a tin tray hoping to deflect my strike, but I batted it away with ease and caught it with my tail paw and held its edge to the pony’s throat like a buzz saw.   “Give me one reason why I should not sever your head this instant, cretin!” I wasn’t sure how I would manage to do so with my current choice of weapon with its safe, rounded edges, but my ire would see it done.   “No moustache! No moustache!” the pony choked out barely above a whisper.   “You could have shaved it!” I pressed down on the platter, moving to crush the windpipe.   “No horn! No… Ack!”   I stopped, noticing, in fact, the mare had no horn. I loosened my grip, which was just enough for a familiar glow to shroud the platter and slam me away from my quarry. My back rammed into the sound system, jostling the needle on the record loose to end the jovial music. Silence was more fitting the current mood anyway. It took a second for the four ponies in the spinning room to come back together, but a quick shake of my head brought me back to reality. Lyra cradled this "Bon Bon" gently, wrapping her forelegs around the injured mare's head and pressing it close to her barrel. While Lyra soothingly brushed the other's mane to calm her friend down, Bon Bon reveled in the protective embrace and intimate contact. As I stood back up, Lyra’s face scrunched into a vicious snarl. “You stay away from my best friend, monster!” While I was taken aback by Lyra’s defensive volume, Bon Bon was the one who seized up. “Normal ponies, and err... whatever you are, don’t just attack ponies in a blind rage! I don’t care what your reason was, my bestie Bon Bon would never do anything to deserve whatever you had planned!” Again, the anger was directed at me, but Bon Bon flinched like she had been stabbed by a rusty knife. “I’ll hurl you right into Sparkle’s friendship court myself so you can take a one way trip to the sun if you ever touch my friend again!” Bon Bon clenched her teeth in agony as Lyra inadvertently twisted a verbal shiv through her flesh.   “I was simply mistaken. I took Bon Bon here for—” As I went to finish my excuse, Bon Bon shot up with a desperate grimace on her face, shaking her head back and forth wordlessly pleading to never finish the sentence. “—for somepony else.” “Horseapples! What was that about anyway?” “Your friend just has one of those faces, I suppose.”   Lyra snorted angrily, looking as if she was about to charge me with her horn ablaze. Admittedly, striking a pony a light jog away from a princess hadn’t been one of my better moves. Reality sunk in, realizing I had broken rule number one in the AHA guidelines. I would have to kill these two ponies and make my escape, but what after that?   “Ly Ly, wait. This was all just a—” she paused for a quick coughing fit, “—just a big misunderstanding, right Ahuizotl?” She shot me the most pleading look her face could muster. I nodded quickly, deciding to go along with this strangely fortunate turn of events. If playing the candy maker’s game could avoid angering the diarchs, or triarchs, or however many royals Equestria was sporting these days, then I would gladly take it.   “See? Just a mistake Ly Ly. Now, why don’t you head over to Sugarcube Corner and pick up my order of checkerboard cookies.”   “But, Bon Bon, he just tried to—hey!” “No time like the present, Lyra! In fact, go play a few gigs in town while you’re at it! I’m sure they’d love to hear your fiddling for a change!” Lyra mouthed several protests, but the other mare wouldn’t have any of it and hurried the musician with her instrument out the door. With the grace of a drunk griffon, Bon Bon bucked Lyra out the door, slammed and locked the door, and spun the open sign to closed before lowering the blinds, leaving the bewildered unicorn rubbing her sore flank across the street.   Bon Bon turned to me, cycling through several different “tough” expressions before settling on a perturbed grimace. She waved me to one of the tables and went behind the counter. As I sat down, she slammed a tray of every type of candy she had in the store with a premade milkshake.   “I do not enjoy sweet things.”   “Well, I do,” Bon Bon replied as she took one of her own namesake chocolates for herself. She crunched down on the morsel, chewing slowly to buy herself time. She took the milkshake and knocked part of it back like a shot of liquor. She slammed the icy treat down with a squint, regretting her brain freezing decision almost immediately. She wiped the cream from her muzzle and reassumed her tough mare mask. “And nopony is sweeter than my Lyra.”   “Ah, your ‘best friend,’ right?” I threw in air quotes to punctuate my point. Her reply was a harsh slam of her head on the table.   “I’m going to kill Sweetie Drops the next time I see her!”   “Sweetie Drops,” I mused, scratching my chin with my tail paw. “Is that the pegasus nurse?”   “No, that’s Cough Drops. Sweetie is a former monster hunter,” Bon Bon muttered as she picked herself up from the table, several crushed candies sticking to her fur and mane. “Seriously! I take a weekend off to go to Appleoosa for a caramel deal with Caramel and I come back to find she’s blown her cover! To Lyra no less! Do you know how it feels to get friend zoned when it wasn’t even your fault?”   I didn’t bother thinking of an answer as she quickly filled the silence herself. “It took three weeks to get her to call me Bon Bon again! She still thinks I’m some ex-agent from a stupid defunct organization that got replaced when the elements bearers popped up.” She took a somber crunch out of a coated pretzel, brightening approvingly for a moment at the flash of flavors before sinking back into the depths of her self-pity.   I took a pretzel as well, scraping off some of the yogurt coating before taking a bite myself. The hint of creamy vanilla still lingered, but the saltiness quickly balanced the lingering flavor. We sat there for a moment, the only sound was a low hum of the coolers keeping the candy behind the counter chilled. “So, I see your father has told you about me.” “Dad told me to keep a crossbow close in case I ever saw you. Never really thought I’d see you in Ponyville though,” she chuckled while feeling her tender neck with her forehoof. She began drowning her sorrows in creamy candies. “I guess he was right about at least one thing. Broken clock and everything.” We sat in silence for a few moments in the darkened sales floor. Despite my familiarity in such private discussions, I was at a complete loss as to why Bon Bon had sat down with me alone. Perhaps she wasn’t Bon Bon and was one of her other sisters suffering the same fate. They all looked the same anyway, what was the difference?   “What is it going to take, Ahuizotl?” She took another hoof full of random assortments and slammed them down her mouth. I can’t imagine the flavors blended well, but she didn’t seem to mind.   “What do you mean?”   She sputtered something with her mouth full of candy that I couldn’t understand. Seeing my confusion, she swallowed and took another swig of milkshake before beginning again. “Don’t play dumb! You know exactly what I mean! I’ve done my best to distance myself from the craziness of my family. I haven’t even spoken a word to Sweetie Drops since the bugbear incident. Lyra can never know about them!” I remained silent, keeping a straight face in hopes she would connect the dots for me. “What is it going to take to keep you from spilling it all to Lyra?”   Was she suggesting blackmail? Wait, blackmail! Oh, delicious blackmail! The familiar rush of having power over another being, how I have missed you so. To be honest, I hadn’t thought of it, but I couldn’t let her know that. I breathed deeply, savoring my rediscovered power. I had forgotten the powerful aroma of candy permeating the air, but it was a small price to pay for complete dominance.   “Why, yes. Yes! Bon Bon, purveyor of colorful confections, I know all too well of your family’s curse brought upon your linage by that backstabbing foal you call a father, Baron von Bon! I will savor my revenge when I see that damnable unicorn, for you will tell me where he—”   “I don’t know where he is! What part of ‘distancing myself’ did you not understand?”   “Rather, you will help me find your father! Even if we have to scour every corner of Equestria! I will make him pay for betraying the great Ahui—”   “I haven’t seen him in years. What if he isn’t even in Equestria anymore?”   “Then, then we will question your sisters about his whereabouts! Surely one of them will tell me—”   “Hello? The whole point is for Lyra not to find out! Why would I help you with that?”   “STOP INTERRUPTING ME, FOAL!” I balled my fists and slammed them on the table with a primal yell. Unfortunately I had forgotten said colorful confections I mentioned in my interrupted monologue. They flipped over my head, showering me with a mixture of milkshake, sugar, and bon bons. The tray clanged upon the floor, spinning noisily around as it tried to find a resting place while the soppy slurry of cream and candy dripped down my fur.   Bon Bon carefully plucked the cherry that had landed on my left eye and placed it on the tip of the whip cream on my nose. I said nothing as there was nothing more to be said. I simply waited for the contorting, snickering dam to break on the other end of the table. To her credit, she did her best to curb her giggle fit. “You know nothing of your father’s whereabouts?” She shook her head slowly, her face reddening by the second as she held her breath. “And calling upon your family would blow your cover, making my threats meaningless?” She nodded slowly, desperately pressing her forehooves to her muzzle, trying to patch the cracks forming along her growing smile.   “Then, I will think of something else.”   The barriers burst and the mare broke down laughing, even falling out of her chair when the bellows overwhelmed her. Each snort took any modicum of power I once held over her with it. I licked a cluster of chocolates trying to find their way through my gritted teeth. I let the little creation slowly melt on my tongue. It served as just another bitter reminder that these days, even when I win, I ultimately lose.