"Uhh... No offense sugarcube, but right now you like a right mess." Applejack said, noting my admittedly poor appearance, and my lack of sleep as we walked through the busy corridors of CHS. The scathing glares of the school were pointed at me fiercely, and it certainly had me a bit on edge.
"Ugh. None taken, I guess..."
"Ah'm serious, how are you holding up? You look like you haven't slept in days." More like weeks, but let's go with that. "Ah really hope you aren't being too harsh on yourself, or letting others be."
"Well, I was hoping that after I helped to fix the front of the school, that people would give me a little bit of a break, considering I had actually gone through with my punishment. Wishful thinking on my part, I guess. I'm not going to pretend I didn't manage to get off light. I mean if I did, that would only make things worse..."
And on came the pity. "People aren't harassing you too hard, are they?"
"Nothing I don't already deserve." Frankly I can think of quite a number of worse things I deserve. Not that I'd voice any of them, and give people ideas, but they were certainly creating quite vivid imagery in my mind. "Nothing they could do is even remotely comparable to half the stuff I managed during my reign."
"Now listen here Sunset. Sure you got a lot of things to be making up for, but there's no need to think that you deserve to be harassed now that it's behind ya." As much as her support seemed genuine, I don't think she actually grasps the extent I went to when it came to cementing my position at CHS. Then again, her friends really had it worse than most.
Most people didn't have their whole friendships fall apart seemingly over night.
"Behind me or not, no one in this school will easily forgive me for my actions as quickly as you five have. The people here know the things I've done, and that isn't going to simply change with a few weeks of hard labor. Speaking of your friends though, where are they? I figured they'd be with us by now."
"Actually, they're off doin' their own thing. Don't know what exactly. All ah know is that they had some important friendship meeting, and I was supposed to keep you company in the mean time."
"What, do you have some sort of rotation of who has to babysit me or something? Whatever. I just hope it's actually important, and not going to end up being a waste of my time down the line." I remarked as we reached my locker. Unsurprisingly, the locker was littered with various crude drawings and rude comments, and if the lock was any indication, had been forced open.
Just my luck.
"Is this what you're havin' ta deal with constantly? Don't ya think we should ask Principal Celestia to try and do something about this? This is just disgusting."
"No offense to Principal Celestia, but if I could get away with everything I managed to do, there isn't anything she can do about something as simple as a bit of vandalism on a locker." Memories of stolen MyStable accounts, perfectly timed photo leaks and conveniently misplaced phones are just some of the things that spring to mind.
"That still don't make it any less wrong," she said. Why does she care so much anyway? "I mean, there are cameras in the corridors, right? Surely it wouldn't be that hard to find who gone done this. I mean seriously, is the security at this school really that incompetent?"
"Unfortunately, yes. I mean it's not like them doing their job properly would have helped things in the long run. Not everything I ever did required me to do something physical. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if they're paying a little bit more attention now, given well... You know..."
Despite my best attempts, a resurgence of emotion was making it's way through me as I recalled my fall. It wasn't even that long ago, but even then I'm still only on square one. The only thing that has changed is that people have realized they can now get away with throwing a few punches of their own my way.
"Sunset, are you sure ya'll alright?"
"..."
"Please Sunset, just tell me what's wrong. Ah'm here for you."
"I don't want to talk about it Applejack. Not now. Not ever."
She sighed. "You're not going to properly move on from things if you're not willing to open up about them to us. We're here to help you Sunset, you need to realize that," she said, her eyes conveying an unearned sympathy, begging me to respond.
"Just... Leave me alone..." I couldn't help it. I was starting to feel angry. I did not want to be pressured into opening up just yet. I did not want to be here right now. I did not want to be standing in this corridor, knowing that everywhere I turn someone is ready to send me a glare, or yell curses at me.
"Listen Sunset, you don't need to keep pushing us away. We're not going to be going anywhere," she responded. Oh gosh, not this spiel again! Stop pretending you actually give a damn! You should hate me just like everyone else! "We're your friends now, whether you realize it yet or not."
"I don't need your friendship." That was only a slight lie. I needed friendship, more than anything. But not so soon and not with them.
"Friendship isn't as bad as you make it out to seem."
"Since when have I given the impression that I thought friendship was bad? No. I just don't want to be friends with any of you." When will that get through their thick skulls?
She looked visibly offended at that last remark. "Well excuse me for giving you some benefit of the doubt. You know, like friends are supposed to."
"But why? Why do you give me the benefit of the doubt? I've given you absolutely no reason to believe I care for our 'friendship', and a request from Princess Twilight can only go so far. And I've already made it clear I don't want anything to do with any of you."
"Because Twilight aske-"
"I don't care about Twilight! She told you to do something, yes. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't cut your losses when things appear hopeless, and from your constant reminders of my lack of redeeming qualities, frankly I don't see how you don't just cut your losses while you can!"
Despite the noise of students continuing to fill the corridors, it felt deathly silent between us.
"...Listen Sunset, we-"
I stormed off before she could give me a proper answer. I don't care that I appeared vulnerable. I don't care that I looked highly emotional. I don't care if I made myself look quick to anger. But I was not going to stay around if it would only mean more outbursts from me.
I didn't get to find out what the 'really important friendship meeting' was about. Not long after my little outburst, I just decided to leave for my... Home, I guess is the best word. Clearly I had nothing to look forward to for the rest of the day at CHS, so why would I hang around? Besides, the less I can avoid feeling like I'm walking through hell, the better.
Applejack... I don't know why she tries as hard as she does! Her and the other girls. I'm not worth their time, and I don't want their friendship! And they should have no reason to want it for themselves either! The only thing I could ever be to them is a trophy, a walking, living, breathing trophy. A constant reminder of their success.
I don't want every day to feel like it's being rubbed in my face that their perfect friendship survived my best attempts to destroy it. I don't want to be reminded that the reasons I sought to break their friendship apart in the first place was because I needed to prove it wasn't all perfect, to prove that no bond is unbreakable!
She and her friends were the exact thing I sought to destroy when I came to CHS. They reflected everything that I had been told was magical and great about friendship, and their success will never not be a reminder to me, of the fact that not only was I wrong, but it had meant that I lost.
...I lost.
...
...You know what the worst thing about all this is? I know Applejack is right. If they've yet to leave me alone now, then the only thing that could really make them leave is for me to become my old self again. And I have no intention of going back to that. Not now, not ever.
I do not want to lose a second time.
But it's more than that. I don't know the extent to which the elements affected me, but I still have a vivid sense of the overwhelming guilt and vulnerability I felt in that pit when Twilight stood over me. I wanted nothing more than to beg right then and there to the whole school, for a forgiveness I would never receive nor deserve, at the foot of the very person who had every right to strike me down then and there.
And I don't think I'm lying to myself when I say I do want to try friendship. For all I know, it's just the elements talking, or making me feel that way, but that is the way I feel regardless. But of all the people Princess Twilight could have ended up being friends with... Of all the people to task with overseeing my reformation...
...Why them? Why is it that I have to be taught friendship, become friends with the people who's friendship I tried to destroy the hardest. The friendship that was everything I could never have, and which I had deceived myself into believing I never needed. The friendship that required the perfect storm of communication failure to throw a wrench into.
...Am I being petty? Is my not wanting to be friends with them, just me holding on to some small chance that maybe, just maybe, I was right? Am I that desperate to get the last laugh? Is that the person I am? Is that the person I want to continue to be, going forward?
I don't want to be that person. I know that is not the kind of person I want to be when I inevitably see Princess Twilight again. One day we will see each other again, and it may end up being the time that decides my fate once and for all, whether I've passed or failed the test of friendship.
...At the very least I should try. I don't want to. I don't know if I'll even be able to be honest about it, but I know I should try. Maybe it will come back to haunt me, or be thrown right back in my face, but I can never say it could never happen, until I've at the very least tried.
I just wish that, for once in my life, I could have Princess Celestia tell me what to do, and for me to actually listen to her wisdom. Princess Celestia knew far more than I realized. Heck, I had believed myself to be her equal! But I am not even in the same league as Princess Twilight, yet alone her. I am nobody! I am nothing!
Why did I do it? Why have I surrendered myself to this fate, by not listening?
What I do know is I have to try and make a good impression with the school. And unfortunately, the best way I can do that is to do something both genuine, and friendly towards those who have direct control of my fate... I'm going to need to do something nice for those five...
Kill me now.