//------------------------------//
// 7. Anxiety (Get Nervous) 
// Story: Your Own Worst Enemy 
// by Distaff Pope 
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        We walked down the boardwalk, Luna Park looming large over us. “Why is it named after a princess?” I asked as we walked to the gate. Mom pulled a collection of bits out of her pockets and passed them to the vendor.

        “Four tickets please.”

        “Well, it’s a long story, but it basically boils down to some ponies wanted to get in good with Princess Luna, and after they learned how much she liked Nightmare Night, they thought building a park here to ‘celebrate the thrill of Nightmare Night’ year round would win her favor,” Twilight said while Mom slid the bits under the little opening at the bottom of the ticket master’s booth. He gave a nod and slid four tickets the other way.

        “Did it work?” I asked, looking up at her as Mom turned back to us.

        “Yeah, it definitely worked,” Twilight said, looking at Mom. “How often do you think Luna’s dragged us here?”

        “Oh, three times a year, at least,” Mom said, passing me my ticket. “If she had her way, we’d spend every Princess Day here.”

        “Princess Day?” I asked, frowning. I hadn’t heard of Princess Days.

        “Yes, it’s an idea Twilight had to foster goodwill between the princesses. Four times a season, we all get together and each princess gets to plan the day’s itinerary. Twilight usually gets us all together to play whatever her favorite board game is at the moment, Celestia just has us spend a day sipping tea and gossiping, Cadance… Cadance isn’t too predictable, and do you want to guess what Princess Luna chooses?”

        “Luna Park?” I asked. 

        Mom nodded. “Luna Park. Every time. If the park was open during winters, she’d probably drag us here to freeze our tails off.” We trotted through the turnstile and were immediately met with a giant picture of Princess Luna waving at us.

        “Hello,” a mare dressed up and painted to look like the princess said. “Welcome to Luna Park, where the fun has been doubled!”

        “Wow,” I said, looking around at the rides towering over us but somehow still managing to be dwarfed by the skyscrapers off in the distance. “How come I’ve never been here before?”

        “Because you were drugged to oblivion and in the clutches of Bright Lights,” Mom said, suddenly standing next to me. Wasn’t she– I whipped my head back. Yep, security was still patting down her vest. 

        “Hey,” I said, looking back to my hallucination. “Since you’re supposed to be one of my good hallucinations, is there any chance you could not appear as somepony I’m currently with? It gets confusing.”

        “What are you talking about?” she asked, her voice sounding distinctly Scootaloo-ish. “It’s the real me, I’m right here, I… Do we need to go home?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head and getting rid of the fake-Mom to reveal the real Scootaloo, still in her pretty red dress. “And don’t talk to me like that, it’s not very mare-ish.”

        She glared at me. “Who cares? Look, I like playing this game with you, but when you start acting bad, I’m going to take charge and make sure you’re alright.” She paused and bit her lip. “Okay?” And then her spine was gone, and it was back to being my little putty. 

        “Okay,” I said before giving her another kiss to drive her down, drawing it out nice and long so everypony could get a good look at us. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw ponies turning to stop and stare, driving me on to kiss her down deeper. When I finally ended it, there was a nice circle of onlookers staring at us and Scootaloo’s face was burning red with more than just embarrassment. “That’s fine, but then I’m going to remind you you’re my mare.” I nuzzled her cheek. “Alright?”

        “Alright,” she whispered, either ignoring or not noticing our audience, and leaning in to me and forcing me to support her weight while her legs recovered from being jellified. 

        “Good,” I said, stroking her mane, feeling her heat pressed against my cheek and thinking of all the things we could do once we got past kissing. “And I’m good, thanks for asking. Just… next time you have to ask, you should try to ask more feminine. I like it when you get all subby with me.”

        “You mean mare-ish,” she said, slowly taking more weight off me and supporting herself.

        I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “Like there’s any difference for you.”

        “Were we that bed when we started dating?” Twilight asked as she and my Mom trotted over to us.

        Mom shook her head and nuzzled her princess’s cheek. “No, but they’re young and in love, and if they want to broadcast their affection to all of Equestria, that’s their business.” She smirked. “Besides, we didn’t get out as much when we started dating. I dare say, if we spent more than a few hours out of the castle, I might not have been able to keep my composure.”

        Twilight laughed. “Really? You, lose your composure? I’d like to see that.”

        “You have,” Mom said, ending her nuzzling with a kiss on Twilight’s cheek and readjusting Twilight’s vest after the guards had messed with it. “Several times, in fact, but… not in public, no. Never in public.”

        “Except for the Gala,” Twilight said, giggling. “Oh, Sweetie, you should have seen it, your mom assaulted a prince.”

        Mom harumphed and held her head up. “He deserved it. Besides, I don’t think getting cake on him counts as assault.” Her eyes twinkled as she looked at Twilight. “But I think it worked out alright in the end, don’t you?”

        Twilight leaned in to Mom and gave out a sigh. “Definitely. Blueblood didn’t know what he was giving up – which is a good thing; otherwise, I think I would have had to duel him, and you know how terrible my fencing game is.”

        “It’s not so bad, Twilight,” Mom said, looking around at the crowds that flowed around us. The fake Luna had moved to the other side of the little welcome pavilion. “Yes, your form is a bit wild, but you’ve made massive improvements since we started. You’re still a touch too direct, though.”

        “What do you mean I’m too direct? You get points by making hits, not by doing all these little half-attacks and feints,” Twilight said. I floated a map away from one of the stands and brought it over so I could see what was actually here. Ooh, the Wonderbolt looked fun. Scootaloo and I could probably do that. Maybe not Mom and Twilight, though. Mom would probably get upset because it messed with her mane.

        “And that is why you fail, Twilight, dearest. Feints are integral to the game. It’s as much about deception and illusion as it is about attacks and parries. I create a fake opening, and more times than not, you overextend yourself going for it,” Mom said. I looked from the map to try to find where the Wonderbolt was. Oh, and there was a ferris wheel, all four of us could do that, I bet.

        “Hey, sometimes I get the point,” Twilight said. I glanced at Scootaloo, who was looking about as impatient as I was. If they were going to talk, they could do it while we walked.

        “So, who’s up for the Wonderbolt?” I asked, taking off towards the electric-blue roller coaster. Scootaloo immediately went off with me, and a second later, the older two started moving with us.

        “But most of the time, I get you on the riposté. If I win 80% of the time, it’s a good gamble,” Mom said from behind us. There was a pause. “I think the two of us will sit that one out, Sweetie. You and Scootaloo should enjoy yourself, though, and we’ll be at the exit when you’re done.” Because apparently fencing was fine, but a roller coaster was just too much excitement.

        “What do you say, Scootaloo,” I asked, grinning at my marefriend and her flowing red dress that accentuated all her femininity. She needed a short skirt. Something about a mare in a short skirt that went to just past her dock drove me crazy, like… it felt dirtier and more revealing than not wearing anything. Like she was being framed. “Feel like going for a ride? Or will you get your dress messed up?”

        “I think I’ll be fine,” she said before looking back at her dress’s train. “I swear, if you gave me a dress that’s so frilly I can’t ride any of the fun rides, I’ll…”

        I sauntered up next to her and whispered in her ear. “If you can’t ride any rides, I’ll make it up to you tonight. We’ll have a 101 class on all the awesome feminine things you probably don’t know about.” I paused, catching her gulp. “Actually, we can do that anyways.”

        “And if I’m not ready?” she asked, her wings twitching under my dress. Oh yeah, her future dresses needed wing holes or whatever they were called. Mom could probably handle that, though. 

        “We’ll wait until you’re ready,” I said, sighing. “Even if there’s really no reason to wait.”

        “Thanks,” she said. Some schoolfillies giggled as they walked past her, and her head lowered, cheeks going as red as her dress. She was so sexy and cute when she was embarrassed. I loved it. Behind us, Mom and Twilight were still arguing about proper fencing technique, and why did they even bother with that stuff? Was fencing that fun?

        “Well, Sweetie, some ponies have hobbies outside of sex,” Scootaloo said. Wait, I hadn’t said that out loud, so that probably meant… hallucination. Definitely a hallucination. 

        My hobby wasn’t just sex. I had… other interests.

        “Besides drugs and alcohol?” the dream Scootaloo asked. “Sure, you like singing, but that’s not a hobby, that’s your ‘calling.’ At least, it’s supposed to be. How many hours have you spent singing since you returned? How many hours have you spent fantasizing?”

        You know I want to sing. I looked down. I did. I did want to sing, but stupid Bright Lights…

        The other Scootaloo groaned. “It’s always her fault, isn’t it?”

        I grit my teeth and pulled the hallucination back in my head. Can we please do this in here so I don’t start talking with myself out loud. You know how much that worries Scootaloo. And then she isn’t your little subby plaything, right? And we can’t have that.

        I tilted my head. I just don’t like upsetting her. Oh, no, of course not, and it’s just an added benefit that you’re enjoying it so much, right? I closed my eyes. “Scootaloo, you should go ahead to the Wonderbolt, I’ll be along in a few minutes.”

        She was looking at me. Even though my eyes were closed, I could feel it. “Nothing’s wrong,” I said before she could ask her next question. “I just need time to think.” No questions, no arguments, hopefully she was still feeling subby enough not to ask more.

        “Alright,” she said, voice moving further away from me. I peeked one eye open and found a decent looking bench, weaving away from Mom and Twilight to take a seat. They stopped to keep an eye on me. I guess that was understandable. I closed my eyes again and tried to draw myself into the Dreaming. A part of me stayed on that bench at Luna Park, but another part drifted through the inky black. 

        “Okay,” I said, trying to form something around me. “We can talk now.” A floor formed beneath me, and I saw a couch shape itself out of the Dreaming. 

        “Wonderful,” my mom said, taking a seat on the couch. “We’re starting to get rather worried about you.”

        “Not worried like we were three years ago, not that bad,” a smaller version of me said, sitting next to my mom. 

        “But we think this relationship with Scootaloo might be causing you to backslide. You’re starting to be a bit of a bully, dear.”

        “Only because she wants me to be!” I said, taking a step forward. The scene shaping up around me looked– Why? Why did I have to be back in the penthouse? I tried to reshape the scene with my mind, but it refused to budge.

        “I think you’re doing great,” Scootaloo said, lounging on the loveseat and patting a spot for me. “It’s good we’re finally getting back out there.”

        “Thank you,” I said, nodding my head at her. “At least some part of me gets it.”

        “Sweetie, we get it, we’re just worried it’s not what you really need. You’ve been rather controlling today, and… We’re just worried,” Mom said, stroking the younger me’s mane. “We all want what’s best for you, not like that awful Bright Lights.”

        “Yeah!” Young Me said. “We aren’t going to let you send us away again. You’re going to listen to us this time.”

        I groaned and rubbed my head. “But I’m finally feeling a little happy again. What’s so bad about that?”

        Young Me glared at me. I looked from her to Scootaloo and decided who I wanted to sit next to. I hopped up next to my marefriend and wrapped her close while the other two kept their eyes on me. “You remember what happened the last time you just wanted to be happy?” Young Me asked. 

        “It’s different this time,” I said, drawing closer to Scootaloo. “Why can’t you be more like Scootaloo, here? She isn’t mad at me.”

        “Scootaloo’s representing your lust today,” Mom said, sighing, and I couldn’t help but notice the way my marefriend burned at my touch. I let myself sink deeper into her heat. “Of course she won’t be complaining.”

        “Really?” I asked, looking up at Scootaloo and recognizing that hunger in her eyes. It was the one I saw in the mirror sometimes. 

        She nodded. “You bet. Got a problem with that?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head. “So… do you have all the same… issues the real Scootaloo has?”

        “I’m you,” she said, smiling and kissing the tip of my horn, sending a jolt of pleasure racing from the tip to my back leg. “Whatever you want, I can be. Want to whip me ‘til I squeal, we can do that, or I can do the whipping or…” She sighed. “Or we can just cuddle. Whatever you’re up for is fine.”

        “Cool,” I said, looking up at her. I had a whole Scootaloo that would do whatever I wanted. Or, I guess I had another Scootaloo who would do whatever I wanted. I grinned.

        “Just what you need,” Young Me said. “A whole fantasy world you can retreat into. Why bother with a real relationship when you just have Scootalust there to give you a quick dirty fix.”

        “Hey, I have a real relationship,” I said, sitting up and pulling away from my warm Scootapillow. “It’s great, she loves me, and she’d do anything for me. Not that I’d–”

        “Oh, please,” Young Me said. “A real relationship? She doesn’t even like mares. You really think you can convert her?”

        “Uhmm… yeah,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Mares are just… better. I can basically do everything a stallion can, plus I know a bunch of other things.”

        “Not everything,” Mom said, sighing. “There’s one key feature that I don’t think you can replicate. Plus, it’s hard to change some ponies’ preferences. Would you ever sleep with a stallion?”

        “No,” I said, shaking my head and wrapping a hoof around my Scootaloo and drawing her close. “But there’s so much more to sex than just that one thing. Like… why’s it such a big deal? Plus – Plus! – Scootaloo wants me to be with her. Yeah, maybe I have to act a bit more dominant than I’d like, but…”

        Mom and Young Me just glared at me. “Okay,” I said, after a long moment. “Actually, I’m really liking being dominant right now, but she’s liking being subby. Did you see how cute she looked, embarrassed in public?”

        “You do realize you’re taking pleasure in her embarrassment, right?” Mom said, tapping a hoof. “Do you think I’d ever take pleasure in embarrassing my Twilight?”

        “No, but Twilight didn’t ask you to,” I said, stomping a hoof. “Look, I get where you’re coming from, I get that you’re worried about me being that mare again, but it’s not going to happen. I’m only doing what she wants me to do because that’s what I have to do for her to like me. It’s fun too, but…” I shook my head and pulled myself back to reality. “It’s not a crime for me to enjoy myself. It’s okay if I feel good every now and then. I don’t think I should have to make myself miserable the rest of my life because of what I did. I love being with Scootaloo, I like seeing her go all subby, and she likes it too, so I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong.” I snapped my eyes open and looked at the real Mom and Twilight who were sitting next to me on a bench, and I waited for the voices to respond.

        Nothing.

        I gave a nod and pushed myself off the bench. Good, they weren’t going to be bothering me for at least a little while. “I’m going to meet Scootaloo,” I said, heading off to the Wonderbolt.

        “Are you sure you’re fine, Sweetie,” Mom said, following off behind me. “If you’re not feeling well, we can always–”

        “I feel great,” I said, rolling my eyes where she couldn’t see. “I feel better than I have in a long time, and I’m just trying to make sure I don’t ruin it for me. Like… things are good, I have you, I have Scootaloo, we’re going to deal with the news thingy so I can start living a life again, and I’m actually outside doing stuff. I’m not in a penthouse or hospital room or hotel. So why should I be upset with myself?”

        “I don’t know,” Mom said, stepping up her pace to draw closer to me. Twilight lagged along behind her. “Why do you think you should?”

        “That’s the thing,” I said, shaking my head. “I shouldn’t. I’m doing what I want, I’m doing what other ponies want, I’m not hurting anypony, so why should I feel bad? I should feel great, right? I do feel great.” Until something goes wrong and you go crashing down. Well great, that was a fun thought. Do you really think this mood can last? This isn’t you anymore.

        But I wasn’t the super depressed mare either. I was.. I was… Fine. I was fine. Dancing on the razor’s edge between mania and loathing hardly feels fine. If you were fine, you could sing.

        My throat tightened. I could sing… theoretically, I could sing. I’d get there. But you’re not fine.

        Hadn’t I just had a conference so all the voices in my head could vent? I did? Then why were they still yelling at me?

        “Fine, I’m not fine,” I snapped. “Not completely. But I’m trying to get there. I’m trying to feel better, and you’re not making it easy.”

        “Because you’re not actually dealing with your problems,” Mom said. I spun around to face her and stepped back into the penthouse. Buck. Not in public. Not on my first day out. I struggled to pull my head out of the dreamscape before Mom and Twilight got too worried. I just wanted to enjoy myself. Was that so wrong?

        “Not at all,” Mom said. In my dreams, she was always taller than me, even if I could look her in the eyes in reality. “But we don’t think you’re actually dealing with your problems. Instead, you’re just chasing after what makes you feel good.”

        “Yeah,” I said, turning away from her and pulling myself somewhere else. Unfortunately, it was the stupid hospital room, and now I was wrapped up in wires and bandages, lying in bed. “Because I like feeling good. I’m not hurting anyone to feel good this time, so what’s the problem?”

        “The problem is you don’t deserve to feel good yet,” Bright Lights said, bursting out of my Mom like some horror movie monster, leaving an empty shell behind her. “Not after what you’ve done. Not when you’re still the same broken mare who made all those bad decisions in the first place.”

        I rolled my eyes. “Oh my gosh, say something different,” I said, poofing myself from the hospital bed to the Manehattan skyline and falling fast. Ground rushed up to meet me and– I closed my eyes and popped into the hotel room. “This is better, I guess,” I said, getting up on my hooves. I looked around. Hmm, I hadn’t seen the Twilight hallucination in a while. Was she going to judge me again?

        “So…” I said, shaking my head. “What are you supposed to be this time?” I tried again to pull myself out of the Dreaming, but I felt stuck, like the fabric of the Dreaming refused to respond to me.

        “It’s me, Sweetie,” Twilight said, staring at me. “Don’t you recognize me? We’ll have to get you back to the doctor’s office for a follow up with Grey Matter.”

        “Wait,” I said, frowning at the lack of magic around me. “Are you… You’re the real Twilight? You’re not going to have somepony else just pop out of you or have the world dissolve or send me to pony hell?” I shook my head. “But that can’t be right, how could I get back to the hotel room? We were at Luna Park, right?”

        “We were,” Twilight said, looking like she was torn between giving me a hug and putting me under a microscope. “And then you told Scootaloo to head on to the Wonderbolt and collapsed onto the ground.”

        “Oh,” I said. “That… that’s not how I remember it. I remember telling her to go to the Wonderbolt, and then I went to sit on a bench and… think for a minute. That didn’t happen?” That definitely wasn’t good. I just collapsed? Completely? With no warning and didn’t know it? Not just that, I didn’t even know I was Dreaming.

        Twilight shook her head. “I’m sorry, Sweetie. When you collapsed, we tried to get you back up, but you didn’t respond, so I did a rapid-series teleport to get back to the hotel room and then used the recall spell. I… What did you see?”

        “I thought I was at the park, still,” I said. “There were some hallucinations, but not more than usual…” I looked down at my hooves and moved over to the couch, careful not to look at the outside. “So… has this happened before? Have I just gone into a dream and not even realized it?”

        “You have a hoof in the Dreaming and corporeal world simultaneously,” Luna’s voice whispered in my ear. “You drift between both realms.” 

        “I haven’t noticed anything,” Twilight said, shaking her head and pulling me back to reality. “Sometimes you kind of zone out and stare at the ceiling, but I just assumed you were thinking. Your mom gets the same way when she’s thinking hard about something.” Great, so I could have been having more hallucinations, and I didn’t realize it. How much of my life was just a dream?

        “Am I… Are Scootaloo and I dating?” I asked, looking up at Twilight. Maybe that was too good to be true.

        “Yes,” she said, nodding her head. She held up a hoof and trotted to her bedroom. “I’m going to get a scroll of paper, and then we’re going to make a list of what we know about you, to help you figure out what’s real and what’s not. If both our lists agree on something, it’s probably not a hallucination, right?”

        I nodded.


***

stupid
        “Okay, so I didn’t have lunch with you all Wednesday?” I asked, looking between my list and Twilight’s. “I guess that explains why I was so hungry for dinner. What did you think I was doing?”

        “We just thought you were in your room. Do you remember Rarity coming in to call you for lunch?” Twilight asked, crossing lines through most of the events on her list.

        “Yeah,” I said, closing my eyes. “I told her I’d already eaten. I thought it was weird she was calling me to lunch again, but…” I shook my head. “I don’t know.” I was going crazy. Or crazier. They were going to toss me into a padded cell soon, and that would be it. The end of me. On the other hoof, you’ll be able to slip into whatever fantasy world you wish. Not super reassuring. Still, better than just a padded cell, I guess. Maybe they’d let Mom design my straitjacket. 

        “Hey, Twilight,” I asked, peeking an eye at the list. “Does it… does it look like my fantasies are more common now? Like, back in the hospital, there weren’t many, and then starting from the day before I left the hospital, there’s been at least one a day.” I shivered. “Am I getting worse?”

        She opened her mouth when the door to our hotel room swung open and my Mom and Scootaloo trotted in. “Oh, thank goodness, Sweetie Belle,” Mom said, rushing over to give me a hug. “Are you feeling better?”

        I pulled back and shook my head, feeling a warmth in my eyes. Today had started out so well, too, and then… it was the stupid voices in my head. They just couldn’t let me be happy. “I’m getting sicker,” I said, pointing to the list. “I’m having these weird waking fantasies, and sometimes, I don’t even know when I go in them. Like… today, I thought… I don’t know, I knew I was in a fantasy for some parts of it, but… I could have sworn everything was mostly fine until Twilight teleported me here.”

        Mom nodded, grim. “We’ll have to make an appointment with Dr. Grey Matter as soon as we can,” she said. “Scootaloo, could you run to the hospital and see if he can see us tomorrow?” Scootaloo nodded and moved to the door.

        “And I can talk with Princess Luna about it tonight,” I said. She’d know something. She knew everything about dreaming. She’d just give me some new exercise to do, and it would be fine. I looked around at the two sets of eyes staring at me. “Oh… have I not mentioned my dream talks with Princess Luna? We… she’s been helping me with my dreams lately.”

        “I’ll convey my sincerest gratitude, then,” Mom said, slumping down on the couch. “And I suppose the next time she wants to go to Luna Park, I won’t put up much of a fight. Much.” She rested her head on the hoofrest. “Although I do wish she’d informed me of the situation. So, she’s been guarding your dreams?”

        I sighed and opened my mouth. Something told me the only way to get out of this would be telling them all about my night talks with Princess Luna.


***


        “Okay,” Mom said, blinking at me. Over my story, she’d picked herself up off the couch and turned to its opposite end to look at me like I’d sprouted a second horn right in front of her. “So… your episode in the penthouse led to you having some ability to manipulate your dreams and– Sweetie, I had a dream recently where you featured prominently, was that…?”

        “Dream of evenings as a family with you, Twilight, and me,” I sang, smiling at her.

        Mom nodded and stared at me for a long moment before whispering a quick thank you.

        “Okay, this is great and everything, but I really wish she’d told us what was happening to you. Knowing that would  have made understanding your MScan results a lot easier. Maybe it could even give us a clue about what’s going on with your hallucinations,” Twilight said, trotting back and forth in front of the couch.

        “Well, I just figured the hallucinations were because of my connection to the Dreaming, and I thought I was getting better at controlling them,” I said. Instead, I was getting so crazy, I couldn’t even know what was real anymore. Maybe all this was just a dream. Maybe the whole thing was a dream. Maybe I was still in the penthouse, still dying. Would the whole thing fade to black in a few minutes? 

        “We need to order another battery of tests,” Twilight said. “Compare them to past results and see if there are any major changes. Maybe the growths we initially found weren’t finished. Your brain chemistry could have been changing this whole time, and we didn’t notice it.”

        “Uhmm… But they had me take some other MScans,” I said, recalling the trips to the hospital’s basement and the big giant humming machine.” I ran a hoof through my mane. No headband. Had I hallucinated that? Why? Why would I even do that? Why would you do anything?

        “True,” Twilight said. Mom still sat thinking in her corner, replaying her dream with new context. “But we didn’t know what to look for then. Now, we have a destabilizing border between dreams and reality and an actual physical connection to Luna’s domain. Maybe we can scan her and see if she has anything different about her compared to the average Equestrian, and compare her results to you. Spike!” She looked around and blushed. “Oh, right, he’s still in Ponyville.” She trotted over to a desk and pulled out a piece of parchment. “It might take a few days for this letter to reach her, but–”

        I cleared my throat. “Or you could just send me to sleep,” I said. “I’ll go make some noise in the Dreaming, and she’ll come to investigate. You have a sleep spell, right?”

        She nodded. I continued. “And it will still let me dream?”

        “It should,” she said. “But if you’re always connected to the Dreaming, why do you need to be asleep?”

        “Do you want me spazzing around and messing things up? If I’m sleeping, I won’t be moving around, and it’s easier for me to move stuff in the Dreaming this way, alright? Just… please don’t cast a spell that will keep me asleep.”

        “Alright, Sweetie,” Twilight said, her horn lighting up, and then my whole world went dark. Immediately, I pulled myself through the dark empty places of the Dreaming, the places where dreamers would go if they were sleeping and brought myself to the hub, where only a handful of gems were revolving around me.

        “Princess Luna!” I shouted, sending a pulse of unrefined dreaming magic from my horn. “Princess Luna!” I gave another pulse, sending it off racing through the Dreaming after its brother. It wouldn’t mess with anything, but it would get her attention no matter what Luna was doing.

        “Luna!” I gave five more shouts and pulses before I felt the fabric of the dreaming twist around me in response, and the midnight-blue alicorn just appeared before me. She looked around wildly, her horn ready to cast before she caught sight of me.

        “Oh, Sweetie, it’s just you… what is it?” Luna asked, the magic in her horn dissipating as she breathed a sigh of relief. 

        I frowned at her. “Well, I think I have a problem…”


***


        “Very distressing,” Luna said when I’d finished my story. “Obviously, I’ll be in Manehattan as quickly as possible to undergo the scans you need. We will spare no expense helping you, Sweetie.”

        “Thanks,” I said, nodding at her head. “So… do you have any idea what might be going on? Like, at all?”

        She shook her head. “I apologize, Sweetie, but I’m afraid I don’t. I never had any trouble keeping both worlds separate. But I will do everything I can to aid you.” Luna paused and tapped a hoof. “If you’ll give me a few hours, I can try to think up some exercises that will keep you keep the Dreaming and your personal life separate.”

        “Thanks,” I said, closing my eyes and thinking of waking up. Once I opened them, I’d be back in the real– corporeal world. “Sorry for bothering you.”

        “Any time, Sweetie Belle,” she said as I opened my eyes and returned to a couch in a hotel room, her words ringing in my head. 

        “Alright, she’s coming,” I said, looking at Twilight and sitting up on the couch. “I’m guessing she’ll be here tomorrow, but…” I shrugged. “Anyways, I think I’m just gonna lie down and try not to dream.” I pushed myself off the couch and looked around for Mom. “Is Mom here?”

        “She is,” Twilight said. “She’s taking care of some things in her room. Do you me to get her?”

        “Sure,” I said, shuffling off to my room. “Just let her know I’ll be in my room, and if she wants to talk, I’ll be there.” Useless broken mare. Even a month later, you’re still miserable and hurting others.

        I sighed, slipping into my room, the door scraping against my coat as I walked through. I memorized every bit of its touch. A dream wouldn’t feel so lifelike, right? Your dream of Scootaloo was convincing enough.

        This day couldn’t end fast enough. I flopped onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. The door creaked open. “Hello, Sweetie,” Mom said, taking a seat next to my bed and looking down at me. When I was in bed, she was still taller than me. “How are you–” She caught herself. We both knew the answer. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

        “Nope,” I said. “Unless you have a time machine and can take  me back to before I messed my life up. Or can uncrazy me.”

        She sighed. “I’ll do what I can, but we both know nothing’s going to fix you.”

        “What?” I asked, sitting up bolt right and staring at her. “What did you say?”

        “Did I… Did I say something wrong, Sweetie? I just said nothing’s going to fix you. I thought that was obvious,” she said, tilting her head at me. “Don’t you know you’re going to be broken and miserable the rest of your life and nothing’s ever going to fix that, no matter how much you pretend otherwise?”

        I launched myself off the bed and tackled her. “How dare you! Don’t say that. Not with her voice, don’t you ever–” She was solid beneath my hooves. My hallucinations were never solid.

        “I’m sorry,” I said, staggering off my mom. “I’m so… I thought you were just another hallucination, I guess… I heard you say awful things, and I just… I didn’t want to hear you say that.”

        Mom got to her hooves, as composed as she could be. “That’s… What did I tell you?”

        “That I was always going to be broken and miserable,” I said, head dropped down. “But I guess it’s true, right? I thought I was doing good, and then – bam! – I went full crazy. Like, all hallucinations, no touch with reality, and then I attacked you, and... You should go.”

        “What?” Mom asked. “Sweetie, I’m not going to leave you alone in this state. You’re… I don’t want you to do something drastic.”

        “Why? The window’s enchanted, right? Besides, even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t jump.” If I was going to– I definitely wouldn’t do it by jumping. “You can wait right outside if you want, but I just… I need to think, and I think better when I’m alone.”

        “Alright,” Mom said, nodding. “I’ll be just outside the door, and if you need anything...”

        “I know, I’ll call,” I said, giving her a hug. “But right now… I’m probably going to be talking to myself, but don’t worry.” She looked at me with big eyes and I saw all the pain I’d ever caused her. I shut my eyes tight, but the image was already burned in my mind. I needed a drink to obliterate it. “If I need you, I’ll knock… or start screaming.”

        “This goes against all my better judgment, but–” I cut her off with a hug before she could talk herself out of my plan. 

        “Thank you,” I said, pulling away from her. “Thank you for trusting me.”

        “Of course,” she said, rubbing her side. “Just… in the future, could you refrain from attacking your hallucinations? I think I’m going to be sore for the rest of your week.”

        “Deal,” I said, trying to give her a smile as she turned and headed to the door. “I’m… really sorry about that, you know I didn’t mean–”

        “I know,” she said, returning my tiny smile. “Right outside.”

        The door shut, and I slumped against it, staring at the mirror on the opposite side of the room. So, we can talk now? I nodded. “Yeah, we can talk.”

        “Excellent,” Bright Lights said, materializing into existence. “So what should we talk about? How you’re losing your mind? How you’re going to push away everyone who loves you? How Scootaloo will never love you for you?”

        “Yes, she will,” I said, looking at her. “It’ll take some time, but I think I can… She likes being subby, and I like seeing her be subby, so…”

        “So that’s what you want?” Bright Lights asked, tilting her head. “To boss her around? To act like a ‘stallion?’ You don’t want her to hold you and tell you everything’s going to be alright?”

        I growled and magically threw a pillow through her. “If I’m going to talk to one of the voices in my head, can it please be not you for a change?”

        She smiled and puffed away in a cloud of smoke. “How ‘bout me?” a voice said. I looked up to see a filly looking through the mirror. A filly I hadn’t seen in a long time. “So,” she said, glaring at me. “You’re what I grow up to be? Kind of wishing I hadn’t grown up at all. Remember back when we had friends? Back when we weren’t a crazy pony? Remember how good things were before you ruined them?”

        “I didn’t ruin them,” I mumbled, looking at a spot several feet below the mirror. “Bright Lights did.”

        She laughed. “Okay, you keep telling yourself that.” Was my voice always that harsh? I thought it was softer and… well, sweeter. “But you know if you really believed that, I wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t your fault, you wouldn’t have to have me remind you of how…” She growled. “Absolutely terrible you are.”

        I got up and trotted over to her. “I’m the bad one? It’s not my fault, I’m the one suffering. I’m the one who’s… I’m the one talking with her own hallucinations. You just wanted to be happy all the time – and look where it got us! This is your fault.”

        Her horn lit up and the mirror cracked as a blast of magic energy hit my cheek. “How dare you!” Young Me yelled. “You’ll blame anyone but yourself, won’t you? I don’t even exist, and you’re still trying to blame me for what you did. You know it’s your fault. I know you do, so just admit it to yourself.”

        “No!” I yelled back and rubbing my cheek where she’d hit me. “It’s not, I don’t care what you say, it’s just… I don’t want to hurt ponies. I just want to do what’s right for me and Scootaloo, so can you just go away?”

        She raised an eyebrow at me and smirked. “I’ll never leave you, Sweetie. You need me. Need me to pull you back from the abyss you’re rushing straight towards. Somepony has to convince you everything’s your fault.”

        I lashed out with my magic, driving as much energy as I could into the mirror and smashing it to pieces. Shards rained down onto the dresser while a few pieces clung to the backing. 

        Something reflected in the pieces, and my stomach dropped. When you break a mirror, you just make more mirrors. The laughter of a thousand ‘me’s’ filled the room, shaking the walls and driving me back to the door. “Did you really think that would work?” they said in unison. “See, this is what we mean. You don’t think anything through, you just act, and look at what it gets us.” My horn flashed and one of the smaller pieces of mirror turned into sand. I laughed. Reflect that.

        “You can’t silence the truth,” the me in the biggest mirror said. “You can’t forget how broken you are. What did Bright Lights call us?” Another flash and she was gone, turned to sand. I screwed my eyes shut and groaned, my magic reserves almost out. I couldn’t stop now.

        “A shard of broken mirror,” another said, smiling. Another flash and she was gone.

        “But at least we can admit what you are. You still think you can be fixed. That you can go back to–” There was another flash, and I smelled the first traces of burning magic. If I put my hoof against my horn, it’d be warm to the touch. It was about to get a lot hotter.

        “No I can’t!” I said, my horn flashing again and turning another piece of me to sand. “I know I can’t, I don’t even want to, I just want to–” Flash, burn, sand. “–Move on and forget any of this ever happened. Is it so wrong for me to want a life again?” The first me to open her mouth got the sand treatment.

        “Yes,” another piece said. “You can’t. You can’t forget this. You can’t forget what you are.”

        “What’s the saying? Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it?” another me said after I smashed the previous speaker to sand. My breath was coming out ragged now, and the burning smell was getting stronger. I looked at the pieces still left. They all had to go, it was the only way to get rid of them.

        “Well, you can’t afford to do that,”  a small sliver of me said, eyes burrowing into me as I readied the spell to end her. “Look at all the suffering and pain you’ve already inflicted on those you claim to love. Can you really put them through that–”

        “You know what’s really not helping them?” I snarled, incinerating two more me-slivers with magic fire. “This! Me going crazy and talking to myself and locking myself in my room and murdering all my hallucinations. If you really cared about them, you wouldn’t do this to me.”

        “You’re right,” one of the remaining slivers said. “If you really cared about them, you wouldn’t do this to yourself. Further evidence that all you care about is you. Bright Lights was right about us. We needed to be dominated so our terribleness could be kept in check. Maybe you should see if Scootaloo will hold your– Oh wait, she won’t. I guess she doesn’t love you enough to do what–” I’d let that one talk way too long. More flashes of magic fire filled the room and more pieces of me burned. 

I advanced on the last mirror piece left, grinning as bits of my mane popped loose. The world was burning now, and I could feel my horn actually sizzling from sheer magic use. Smoke filled the room. “You think you can get rid of me?” the last survivor said, flashing into Bright Lights. “All you managed to do is break a mirror. I hope you’re proud of your–”

“Shut up!” I said, horn flashing one last time as I slumped onto my bed. Note to self, don’t try talking to yourself when you’re upset. It just makes things worse. I looked at the backboard where the mirror used to go. Twilight and Mom would have to pay for that. Because of me.

“You can’t get rid of us,” the pile of mirror dust said, flowing off the dresser and up the floor, snaking towards me. “We’re a part of you.” I tried to push myself off the bed, to get away from them, but my legs refused to move after I’d burned through all my energy. Bits of mirror began to coat my hooves, sinking in past the fur scraping into the flesh, as the mirror coating climbed up me. I tried to light my horn up to push them away, but it refused. It was done after what I’d put it through. I was done now, too.

Mirror dust coated my muzzle, stung into my eyes, I tried to open my mouth to scream, but it just poured down my throat, digging into me as it went, filling my lungs and cutting them up. I gagged, trying to cough them up, trying to scream, trying to–

A knock on the door. My head whipped around to the source, around to the door I was slumped against. I blinked. I was fine. Everything was fine. No shards of glass were attacking me, and the mirror was in one piece. “Who is it?” I growled, shaking my head.

“It’s me, Sweetie,” Scootaloo said. I blinked and lucked out at the window. It was dark now. Had I been out that long? How come Luna hadn’t helped me? Because she wasn’t in the Dreaming. Right, okay. I exhaled in a long breath. Nothing was cutting my lungs up. I was fine. I rolled my eyes. Well…

“One minute,” I said, getting off the floor and trotting to the mirror, pulling a sheet from my bed, and dropping it over my bed. I couldn’t help but grin. Before I covered her up, the me in the mirror looked terrible black rings were under her eyes, her mane was a mess, and she had this completely crazy smile on her face. You know you’re the mare in the mirror, right?

Oh, right. I pressed my head against the sheet and the mirror. “What is it?”

“I wanted to see if you were doing alright,” she said, door still closed. I grabbed the knob with my magic and twisted it.

“Wasn’t Mom guarding the door?” I asked, imagining I could see her in the mirror. Imagining her little frown of worry while she tried to keep up a good face. I peeked back. My imagination was right. I tried not to see how she flinched from me. I must’ve looked really bad.

“We traded places after I got back. Your appointment is tomorrow morning at 9:00. They’re gonna want to keep you in the hospital for a few more days while they look through the results,” Scootaloo said, looking at me. 

“No.” I turned to face her. “I’m not going to spend another night there. If I have to be crazy somewhere, I’d rather have it be here. You, Mom, and Twilight Sweetie-proofed the hotel room, right?”

She nodded and I took a step forward, pushing my fear aside for the moment. “Mostly your mom and Twilight,” she said.

“Then I’m staying here. If you want to keep me in my room and bring a nurse over, that’s fine, but I’m not going backwards. I’m not going to backslide into the hospital just a week after they let me out.”

“But…”

“No,” I said, stomping my hoof down. “I’m not going back. They can do whatever they want, but I’m not spending another night there. Got it?”

“Yeah, fine,” she said. “But if they want a nurse to come home with you and tell you to spend all your time in bed, you’re doing it.”

“As long as I don’t have to be there, I’m fine,” I said, eyes narrowed. I rubbed my head. “I’m sorry for ruining our day out, I was really looking forward to our first ‘date.’”

“Don’t apologize,” Scootaloo said, smiling and shaking her head. Right, that wasn’t very ‘stallioney’ of me. “It happens, you’ll have bad days. But the important thing is we’re all working to get you better. Get you back how you used to be.”

My jaw clenched. “I wasn’t very ‘stallioney’ before,” I said, feeling something twitch in me. 

She blinked and grinned. “Yeah, I guess not. So, like you were before, but awesomer.”

“Great,” I said, matching her grin but not feeling it in my eyes. “So we’re not breaking up?”

“No way,” she said, shaking her head. “It stinks you had a bad day, but I’m not going to dump you just because you had an episode. I knew what I was signing up for. So, what do you want to do?”

Have you hold me and cuddle me and tell me I’m not going crazy. Tell me everything’s going to be fine. “You’re sleeping with me tonight,” I said. She opened her mouth to protest, but I cut her off. “Not sex, we’ll do that when you’re ready, but tonight, you’re going to be my little Scootapillow.”

“Really?” Scootaloo asked, raising an eyebrow but taking a step towards the bed.

        “Really,” I said, nodding my head and floating the sheet back to the bed, daring a glimpse of the me-in-the-mirror. She got to be cuddled by mirror Scootaloo, while I had to… well, some cuddling was better than no cuddling at all. And besides, wasn’t it worth it to be with Scootaloo? I loved her, and she’d done so much to help me. “You want to feel subby and marey? You want me to shove your face in your femininity? Well, nothing’s more that than being cuddled, so that’s what we’re doing tonight. Alright?”

        She nodded and hopped into bed, wiggling under the covers. I followed in after her on the other side of the bed, tucking the sheets in after me. We both looked at each other. “Uhmm… what are you doing?” I asked, looking at her.

        “Being in bed?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Like you told me?”

        “You’re facing the wrong way, though. You should be on your right side.”

        She shook her head. “Why should I? I always sleep on my left side. Every time we’ve had a sleepover, I’ve been on my left side.”

        “Well, I sleep on my right side, so…” Instead of letting her respond, I pushed myself on top of her, and pressed my lips against hers, driving the both of us into my pillows and resting the top of my body against hers, feeling the thudding of her heart in me and savoring her closeness. I had to get my enjoyment where I could. “Right side,” I said, whispering in her ear after our kiss had ended. She nodded and rolled so I could wrap my forehooves around her and press her tight against me, giving a happy little wiggle as I drew her close. Her tail instinctively slid between my legs so I could get closer to her and I smiled. It might not be sex, wasn’t even close, really, but the two of us were pressed tight, as she let me wrap around her. As she let me feel how her body burned and she felt my own heat. 

You’re going to hurt her. You’re going to ruin things with your craziness. It’s just a matter of time. I silenced the thought, instead focusing on the way my head rested on a small pillow of her mane, muzzle just reaching the base of her ear. “Good, right?”

There was a nod and a happy sigh in response. I let myself smile. She was happy. Because of me. I didn’t have to just hurt ponies, I could make them happy and make myself happy too. There wasn’t anything wrong with that. Scootaloo’s breathing slowed. She was happy. I’d made her like that, so why should I feel guilty? I was doing good. Doing the right thing. I ignored the voice whispering in the back of my head. Nope, everything was fine. I magically flipped the lights in my room off, plunging the mirror into darkness. I was doing the right thing, I was helping ponies. 

This was good. This was right. This was what I’d wanted in my dream. I stared ahead at nothing and repeated that to myself until I followed Scootaloo to sleep.