//------------------------------// // Applejack Hires the Narrator // Story: Twilight Shares The Narrator // by Stratocaster //------------------------------// Chapter 6: Applejack Hires the Narrator Applejack slept soundly in her bed as the...oh wait...Applejack's bed stood empty in her room as she had already gotten up at a barely sunlit hour. Instead of sleeping through the morning, Applejack was downstairs in the kitchen frying up some eggs and potatoes. The sizzling of the skillet was the only sound heard in the quaint country home as dawn barely began to- "Son, ya better stop flappin' yer gums before ya wake up Granny Smith!" she glared as she held up a whisk. Whoa easy! As far as I know, you're the only one who can hear me in this house. "Hmph," scowled Applejack. "Well what are ya doin' here anyway?" Oh you know, I just wanted to hang out. See what's it's like on the old family ranch. "First off, this ain't no ranch," she said. "Second, I ain't got time to fool around with a ghost. I got thirty acres of apple seeds to irrigate before the soil dries up. So if'n ya don't mind, I'd like to get on with mah work in peace." Oh by all means, carry on with your day. Just think of me as an audible embellishment to your life. "I'll think of you as annoyin'." She sat at the table to eat her breakfast. "So tell me, Narrator guy, do you know anythin' about farmin'?" ...Well I have played a fair amount of video games. "Oh boy," she scoffed. "Sounds to me like you've got a lot to learn." Huh? What do you mean? "I'm sayin' that if yer gonna hang over me for a day, yer gonna at least make it worth mah time." Applejack spoke with a mouthful. "I'm gonna show you how to put in an honest day's work by helpin' me out on the farm. Give ya somethin' else to do other than squakin' about other ponies' lives." I hate to break it to you, but you're not going to have much luck with that. While I can see, hear and smell everything, I can't actually make physical contact with anything I narrate. So I don't know how much help I would be. "Hmm," she chomped on a fried potato. "No big deal. We'll find some use for ya." Oh wow. Thanks for that. It's a wonder you're still single. "Watch it, mister," she threatened with a fork. "Or you'll be narratin' a story with an unhappy endin'!" We'll settle this later, pardner! ... As the morning sun started to wake while most of Ponyville still slept, Applejack set out to tend to her fields, not even bothering with a shower on account that she would just get dirty anyway. She was joined by her faithful brother Big Macintosh as they prepared for the long, arduous sweep across acres of soil harboring newly planted apple seeds. Applejack helped her brother strap on a large plow at the end of the expansive field. "Now remember, Big Mac," she told him. "Try not to get distracted. We need straight lines. Last time you looked like a sidewinder trapped in a twister." Big Mac responded to his sister's nagging with a roll of his eyes. "Eeyup." Applejack then walked over to a filled water bucket and glowered up at the air. "And as for you, I wouldn't be callin' me a nag. Plowing the fields is hard enough without lookin' like a darn kook talkin' to nopony." My apologies. Plow away. With a puff from his lungs, Big Mac started to traverse the field of soil with his sister following behind. The heavy plow dug deep into the ground leaving a trail of exposed soil. As Big Mac moved carefully along, trying to avoid the seed beds, Applejack showered water over the plowed trench, letting the water soak into the soil and supply the seeds with hydration. She made diligent sure not to water too much to overflow the soil trench or too little as not to reach the pre-grown plants. The simple work was made difficult by the sheer amount of plants to be taken care of. "Careful going over pebble, Big Mac." Applejack said. "Eeyup." Big Mac sulked. You know, has it ever occurred to you guys to install an automatic sprinkler system? It would make this a whole lot easier. "Exactly. We don't want easier." Applejack murmured out of earshot of her brother. "Farmin' takes patience." I'm just saying, it could really boost your production. "Look, the Apple Family's been doin' just fine with the old fashioned ways." She said. "Or else we wouldn't have become as tough or honest as we still are. Somethin' you won't understand." What's that supposed to mean? "Well just listen to you. Chattin' away, just sayin' what ya see." Applejack scoffed. "Ya wouldn't know an honest day's work if it came up and yanked yer tail." Is that what you think? Well look here, cowgirl! I could farm circles around you and you wouldn't even know it! "'Farm circles'? Is that a pun?" Maybe. Maybe not. I'm just that good of a narrator! And before you think I can't built up a sweat, I can easily match your output of apples, if not double it! "Oh-ho really?" she smirked. "Well then put up or shut up, pardner! After these fields are plowed, we'll just try your hoof at applebuckin'! As long as we're talkin' about speedin' up production!" You're on, sister! And by the way you're spilling water! "What?! Con sarnit!" she cursed. "Look what ya made me do! Ya distracted me, ya big invisible yella belly!" Big Mac stopped plowing and turned around to look at her quizzically as she yelled at the air. Applejack noticed her brother and smiled sheepishly. "Uh, Big Mac, I can explain." "Nnope." Big Mac shrugged and continued plowing, not wanting to know anything about her situation. ... After a few hours of irrigation, which was EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING BY THE WAY, Applejack headed over to an adjacent field where an abundance of fully grown apple trees drank in the sunlight. Along their branches hung fresh, bright red apples that glistened with drops of juice running down their shiny skin. Applejack dragged a stack of baskets by the trees and began stretching her muscles. "Alrighty, Narrator," she grinned. "I wanna see if you can actually do what we earth ponies do best! Back-breakin' labor!" Just you watch, farm girl, you have no idea about the extent of my powers. I'll narrate those apples right off those trees! "I have no idea what that means, but I'm gonna enjoy hearin' you grumble when I buck ten times more apples than you do!" Bring it on, cowpoke! "Alrighty then! Watch how it's done!" With a crack of her neck, Applejack stood in front of an unsuspecting apple tree looking calm and smug. Slowly lunging forward, she leaned on her front hooves coiling her body like a spring. Then in one split-second motion, her rear hooves launched like a pair of battering rams and struck the tree's trunk with a booming thud. The resulting shock wave riveted up the trunk and made the tree shudder like a used diving board. Within seconds, fifteen apples dropped from their branches and into the baskets like sweet juicy hailstones. "Think ya can handle that, city boy?" she taunted with a cheeky smile. First off, you can't prove that I'm from the city, and second, that's nothing but foal's play. Now watch how Mr. N harvests his cultivated deciduous tree fruit! Suddenly, a squirrel nibbling away in a nearby branch dropped his acorn after sneezing from the pollen. The falling nut bounced down the tree until landing in a dugout hole, where a badger poked its head out and shook its fist at the squirrel. The badger then grabbed a rock and hurled it in the squirrel's direction, but narrowly missed the smaller rodent. Instead the rock bounced off the squirrel's branch with just enough force to knock down its protruding apples. With amazing trajectory, the rock then ricocheted off several more branches of the tree and causing more apples to fall from their roots. Even the squirrel, who had chosen to retaliate against his ground-dwelling nemesis, stomped his paw on the branches bombing the badger's burrow with even more fruity projectiles. In total, twenty-two apples fell in the wake of the violence. Applejack watched with a perplexed expression. "Okay, that was...impressive. But I can still top that!" Immediately, she hurried over to the next tree and gave another powerful kick to the trunk. She claimed twenty-eight apples this time. "Your move, pardner!" Hmm, looks like I'll need a little boost, with the invigorating electrolyte taste of Lun-aid, the official energy drink of Princess Luna! Lun-aid! Feel the tide! *gulps drink* Over on a nearby hill, an old unused wagon sat motionless, until one of its corroded bolts rusted completely off causing a wheel to detach. The wagon wheel rolled down the slope of the hill with increasing speed until bouncing off a rock and ascending to the clouds. The renegade wheel spooked a passing finch enough to make it squat out an egg in fright. The bird's egg plummeted and landed on the head of a sheep that had been chewing the grass to keep it level. In turn, the sheep became frightened like the bird, whose egg was now splattered on the sheep's face, and also panicked his brothers around him. With frantic bleats, the sheep charged forward in a woolly stampede and they all crashed into the same tree, piling up like a traffic jam. As the sheep lay in a daze, the apples from the tree dropped one by one, counting thirty-six in total. Applejack sneered and narrowed her eyes. "Ya think yer so clever?" she said. "No more holdin' back!" With a big exhale, Applejack launched yet another mule kick into a tree, sending out a loud crack, and dropping a whopping fifty-four apples out of the leaves. "Ha ha!" she panted. "Whaddya think o' that?!" To be honest, I'm just wondering how one tree can hold that many apples. What kind of trees are you growing here?! "Only the best!" she smirked. Fine, you wanna see some real farming? *gargles water, spits* A butterfly flapped its wings gently as it passed the farmhouse. The dainty insect perched atop a pinwheel but immediately hopped off once the blades began to spin. The motion of the pinwheel caused it to tumble out of the garden box and to the ground. It landed square on top of an anthill, causing a disturbance among its inhabitants. Shaken from their home, a line of ants marched out of the ground and into a hole in the house. The hole lead to the kitchen where Apple Bloom happened to be helping Granny Smith with a finished pie. "Uh oh. Granny!" Apple Bloom looked down at the floor. "Granny, the ants are back!" "What's that?" the elderly mare replied. "My pants are black? But I ain't wearin' any!" "No, I said the ants are back!" corrected Apple Bloom. "We gotta protect the food!" "A dancin' yak?" Granny looked around. "What do ya mean its in the mood?!" "No! Granny we have to keep the ants from the pie!" "Well why didn't ya say so?" Granny walked off out of the kitchen. "Don't worry, I'll get somethin' from the bathroom." "What? Oh forget it!" As Granny went off to find something to get the sand out of Apple Bloom's eye, the little filly quickly grabbed a fly swatter from under the sink and glared at the swarm of ants. But Granny soon returned with a bottle and squinted to look closely at the label. "Wait a sec...cough syrup?" she said. "This ain't eye drops! Hang on!" Granny threw the bottle of medicine behind her as she walked back out. The bottle hit the floor and spilled the bitter purple liquid across the floor, attracting more hungry ants. Apple Bloom stormed over to swat the living daylights out of the bugs, but suddenly slipped on the cough syrup, causing her to accidentally toss the fly swatter out the open window. The swatter hurled through the air towards Big Macintosh, who was hauling a cart full of milk tanks for the cows. As he carried on unsuspecting, the fly swatter smacked him in the rump. Big Mac blushed as he looked up startled. He frantically darted from side to side, looking for his attacker, but unknowingly shook the metal milk tanks off of his cart. The cylindrical containers rolled down the hill leading to the barn and through the open doors. With a clank, the tanks stopped when they toppled a table that held a lantern. The lantern fell into a pile of hay with a shatter, causing the bale to catch on fire from the spilled kerosene. Fortunately, a cow who had been eating in the barn spotted the fire and mooed in surprise. The cow rushed over and grabbed a coiled hose, turned on the spigot and sprayed water over the burning hay, saving the barn from disaster. But the length of the hose knocked over a shelf holding a conveniently placed bowling ball. The conveniently placed bowling ball landed on a conveniently placed board, teetering on a conveniently placed can, and catapulting a conveniently placed hay claw, on the other side of the conveniently placed board, into the air. The hay grabbed ascended through a conveniently placed hole in the roof and toward a passing hot air balloon sailing overhead. The pilot of the balloon smiled to himself. "They said I was crazy for starting an airborne anvil delivery service!" he said. "But just look at me now, teachers!" Suddenly, the flying hay claw severed the rope holding the balloon's cargo underneath the basket. In an instant, twenty anvils fell from the balloon and down towards Sweet Apple Acres. The pilot looked down in shock then sighed in defeat. "Well, I guess it's back to law school." The anvils cascaded from the sky in a massive clump above the orchard. They embedded themselves in the grass with heavy impacts, and the resulting force caused a tremor in the ground. Applejack stumbled on her hooves as the land shook. The trembling trees suddenly began to lose their apples, which fell in a countless drove. After all was said and done, the grass was covered in the sweet fruit. Applejack stared in befuddlement. "But...how...wha..." Boom! And that is how you narrate apples! "Hey wait a darn minute!" she glared. "That's no fair! You bucked apples from more than one tree!" You never said that was a rule. Applejack paused in thought for a moment. Then she simply smirked with eyes closed and tipped her hat up. "Hmph, I guess I didn't." She said. "But I did prove that I was right at the beginnin'." Huh? What are you talking about? "I said I would find some use for ya. And I did." She gloated. "Turns out you can pull off a hard day's work. And it really helped in mah favor. I pretty much made ya do mah harvest for me." ......Bull honky! You're just too stubborn to admit that I whooped your flank at applebucking! "Say what ya want," she grinned. "But I'm still proud of ya, Narrator. You can come work for me anytime." Yeah I don't see that happening...Hey where are you going? Aren't you going to collect all these apples? Applejack turned back before trotting off. "You knocked them down, didn't ya?" ...Country girls...