"Dohff you wff ny pffa?"
Twilight Sparkle giggled at the sight of Pinkie Pie with a slice of pizza hanging out of her mouth by the crust, then tossed the journal full of scribbles and failed attempts at writing a musical counterspell into a drawer of the bedside table and followed Pinkie Pie to the kitchen, where her friends were all gathered around three large, flat cardboard boxes spread out on the old, nicked kitchen table. Most of the girls were holding paper plates, on which Rarity was slowly placing hot, gooey wedges of pizza with a spatula. Rainbow Dash already had a half-eaten slice of pizza in one hand and was chewing enthusiastically. Fluttershy was gingerly picking jalapeños off a slice on her plate with a slight frown.
"Twilight! Grab a plate, I'll serve you just as soon as I'm done with Sunset's portion," Rarity said.
"Thanks," Twilight said, taking a paper plate off a stack on the counter. She eyed the pizzas in the box. One of them was loaded with mouthwatering vegetables: mushrooms, red onions, green and red bell peppers, black olives, and jalapeños. Another had nothing but pepperoni and bacon on one half, and sausage, onions, and mushrooms on the other. Still another had ham, onions, and pineapple on one half, with pepperoni, sausage, ham, bacon, and chicken on the other.
"Ah think yer gonna like this, Twilight," Applejack said with a grin as she grabbed a soda from the fridge. "Bet y'all ain't got nothin' like pizza back in magical pony world."
Sunset raised an eyebrow. "We do have pizza in Equestria, AJ," she said.
"Well, yes," Twilight said, "but I've never actually had it myself. It's really more of a Manehattan thing, and I've only been there once." She shrugged. "None of the restaurants in Ponyville make it, and Canterlot sort of..." She trailed off, glancing at Sunset.
Sunset rolled her eyes. "The snobs in Canterlot actively discourage 'pedestrian food' except for donuts and coffee," she finished.
"Oh," Applejack said, deflating a bit. "Well...you're still gonna like it." She took a bite of her own pizza and moaned in delight.
"It does look and smell pretty good," Twilight said.
"Umm...just be careful, some of these have meat," Fluttershy said quietly. "Most of them actually..."
"I can see that," Twilight said. "Ham, bacon, and I'm guessing anything I don't actually recognize is probably meat." She shrugged. "The ham and pineapple one looks pretty good, I think I'll try some of that."
"Oh, you'll love it," Sunset said.
Fluttershy blinked. "Wait. You're...you're going to eat meat?" She withdrew a step. "But...but you're a—"
"Pony? Yeah, but I'm not when I'm here, right? When in Roam!"
"That's the spirit!" Rainbow crowed, finishing off her first slice of the really meaty pizza.
"But it's just that, well..." Fluttershy glanced at Sunset.
Sunset grimaced. "I, umm...may have mentioned that cows talk where we come from."
"Oh," Twilight said. She shook her head. "Well, yeah, but ham comes from pigs, so it's okay."
This drew a shocked gasp from Fluttershy. "Y-you eat...y-you eat p-pigs? When they can—"
Twilight raised a hand and smiled gamely. "Nonono! Pigs don't talk back home," she said. "And, well..." She scratched the back of her left leg with the toe of her right slipper. "We...kinda...do eat ham and bacon and stuff in Equestria."
"But...y'all are horses," Applejack said slowly, pausing in her own enjoyment of her pizza. "An' horses can't..."
"It's not really good for us," Sunset said. "Kinda like how deep fried carnival foods aren't really good for humans, but every time I go to the county fair, I see dozens of people scarfing that crud down."
"Because it tastes so good oooooooh," Rainbow said slowly. "Yeah, I can see your point."
Rarity placed a slice of the ham and pineapple pizza on Twilight's plate, then a slice of the vegetable pizza. After she served herself and grabbed two napkins and a plastic fork, the girls all sat down in the living room. Twilight studied the pizza for a long moment, watching how the other girls ate it, then gingerly picked it up, adjusting her grip when the narrow end of the slice started to sag. She took a tentative bite. Her eyes widened.
"Oh wow," Twilight said after she swallowed. "This is good!"
The other girls watched with amusement as Twilight quickly scarfed down the rest of the slice, then licked her fingers clean, wiping sauce from her lips with her thumb and licking it off. Sunset snickered and passed her a napkin.
"Ah do believe th' princess here likes pizza," Applejack said with a grin.
Rarity delicately cut a bite of pizza with her fork, eyeing Twilight with a furrowed brow. "Twilight...darling..." She clicked her tongue disapprovingly. "Your table manners, really..."
"Oh, lay off, Rarity!" Rainbow said as she picked up some greasy meaty toppings that had fallen off her pizza with her fingers and popped them in her mouth.
"Rarity," Sunset said in a chiding tone, "Twilight still isn't really used to having hands, and unicorns usually use their magic instead of their hooves when they eat anyway. Cut her some slack, she can't help making a mess."
Twilight laughed sheepishly. "Eheh...riiiight...it's the whole hands and no magic thing, that's why I'm making a mess..." She carefully picked up the other slice of pizza and took a bite. "Oh. Oh, this is so..." She closed her eyes. "It's amazing. I've had every vegetable on this pizza before, a lot of them together even, but having them together like this, with the cheese and the sauce and the crust, it's so..."
Sunset laughed. "I know what you mean," she said. "It's just too bad we couldn't get the stuffed crust in extra large."
"Stuffed crust?" Twilight asked.
"They put melted cheese in the edge," Rainbow said. "It's awesome."
"Yeah, it's awesome until it cools off," Applejack added. "Then th' cheese gets all rubbery an' don't taste near as good."
Twilight shuddered. "I don't think I'd like that," she said. She looked down at her pizza. "I mean, this is almost more cheese than I can handle." She made a strange face. "I mean, it's okay with all the sauce and all the toppings, but if it was just cheese? Brrr."
Sunset raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with cheese?"
"N-nothing!" Twilight said hastily. "It's just...just..." She trailed off, picking a jalapeño off her pizza and chewing on it.
"It's just what?" Pinkie asked.
Twilight turned red. "Well...one time, I ate a quesadilla for lunch. Then that afternoon, I..."
"Yes?" the girls all asked, leaning in.
"I..."
"Yes?" the girls leaned in even closer.
Twilight squeezed her eyes shut and trembled. "I passed gas in Princess Celestia's face and it was terrible!"
The girls all blinked.
"Oh my," Fluttershy said softly.
Rainbow started laughing. Pinkie giggled. Applejack snickered.
Sunset let out one loud, short laugh. "You...you farted in Princess Celestia's face?" she cackled. "Oh my gosh!"
"I KNOW!" Twilight howled, throwing up her hands. "I was so embarrassed! I ran as fast as my hooves could carry me and wouldn't come out of my room for two days!" She shook her head. "Ever since then, I've been really careful about how much cheese I eat."
"Well, we don't care if you fart up the whole house, so go nuts!" Rainbow said, recovering from her laughing fit.
Sunset chuckled, then took a bite of her own pizza. "You know though," she said thoughtfully, "we really should've gone with the other place. I mean, this is good and all, but the other place's crust and sauce are so much better."
"Yeah, I know, but I had coupons for this place," Pinkie said. "I mean, even splitting the bill with you and Rarity, you know?"
"Yeah."
Twilight paused in mid-bite. "Wait. Is this...is this really expensive?"
Rainbow shrugged and made a 'so-so' motion with her hand. "Sometimes," she said.
"We ordered two half-'n'-halfs," Applejack said. "Kinda jacks up th' price cuz it's more toppins."
"So they charge by the topping?" Twilight asked.
"Well, you can order pre-selected combinations of toppings that have a flat price," Sunset explained. "But everybody likes their pizza different from everybody else. The whole point of ordering pizza from a pizza place is to get all the toppings you want and exactly what you want and none of what you don't want."
"And when you're splitting it up with several people, you end up ordering half-and-half pizzas," Rarity continued. "That way one half has the toppings some of your group agree on, the other half has the toppings others in your group agree on, and you can do one that everyone more or less agrees on."
"Wow," Twilight said. "That's...really complicated. I never imagined something as simple as ordering food could be so..." She shrugged and made a vague gesture with her hand. "So full of variables."
"Silly! Pizza isn't full of variables! It's full of vegetables!" Pinkie fell over laughing at her own joke.
"But seriously," Twilight continued, her own pizza forgotten as she warmed to the subject. "When I go out to eat, the menu is always fairly simple. There's several dishes, variations on the same dish—even at Hayburger, there's only like, six different burgers they offer. I mean, you can ask them to hold the pickles or put ketchup but not mustard or whatever, but half the time they get it wrong, and..." She paused for a breath and a sip of her drink. "Just how complicated is this whole pizza thing?"
The Rainbooms looked at each other. Rainbow scratched her head. Applejack shrugged. Fluttershy made a little "dunno" noise. Rarity pursed her lips.
"It's just pizza, Twilight," Rainbow Dash said. "You just get what you're in the mood for."
Sunset wiped her mouth and her fingertips, then cleared her throat. "Girls, you've been eating pizza since you were little kids. You're used to it. Believe it or not, I totally get where Twilight's coming from here. Imagine if you'd never seen a pizza menu before." She looked at Pinkie. "You handled the orders, remember?"
"Yeah," Pinkie agreed. She frowned thoughtfully. "Now that you mention it, it did take five minutes just to do the whole menu thing and ooooooooh. Yeah, I get it now."
"Exactly. Think about how confusing the ordering menu for your typical pizza place would be to somebody who's never seen it before." Sunset smiled reassuringly at Twilight.
Rarity frowned. "Well when you put it that way..."
Twilight, for her part, wasn't reassured. In fact, she looked even more perplexed. "So, uhh...how complicated is it again?"
Sunset pursed her lips and thought for a minute. "Well, putting aside the whole issue of where you're ordering from and how many people you're feeding and whether you're ordering off the special deals or coupon menu..." At Twilight's lost look, she shook her head. "Okay, basically it's like this. First you pick a size, which will be medium, large, or extra large."
Twilight frowned. "What about small?"
"They don't make small," Applejack said.
Twilight tilted her head. "So doesn't that mean medium is small?"
"No, medium is medium," Sunset said.
"I'm confused."
"So am I," Fluttershy put in.
"If there's no small, how can there be a medium? Or a large? It doesn't make sense!"
"Actually, there is a small," Rarity said. "They just don't call it small. They call it a personal pizza."
"Oh yeah, those little square things in the five dollar box!" Rainbow said. "I forgot about those. Does anybody even order those?"
"Ah don't think Ah've ever ordered one," Applejack said.
"Me neither," Fluttershy agreed. "I mean, I'm not a big eater, and even I can finish off a medium by myself in one sitting. Umm...but then my tummy hurts and I regret it all night."
Sunset coughed. "ANYWAY," she said, "so you've got your basic sizes of medium, large, and extra large. After that, you have to pick a crust. Most places have thick crust or thin crust. Some places have what they call a 'pan' crust, which is really thick and really chewy and has a crispy edge. Then there's the ones that have the stuffed crust, like we were talking about earlier. There's other types of crust that are specialties of different places, but usually you're dealing with thin, thick, pan, or stuffed."
"Or deep dish," Rainbow said. "Man, deep dish is awesome."
"Then you've got sauces," Sunset continued. "You've got your basic pizza sauce, which is what we've got here, then you've got barbecue sauce or alfredo sauce. After that there's the cheese. You can get regular cheese, extra cheese, or no cheese. Then you get to the toppings, and that's where things get really complex."
"It wasn't already?" Twilight asked. She'd found a notepad somewhere and was furiously taking notes.
Sunset laughed. "Okay, first the meats. Different places have different meats, some places have meats others don't, but for the most part your basic meat selection is pepperoni, ham, bacon, sausage, spicy salami, ground beef, grilled chicken, and anchovies." She wrinkled her nose. "I wonder if anybody even eats those."
"Uck. Heck no," Rainbow said.
"Ah don't think people ever ate 'em," Applejack said with a grimace.
"What's an anchovy?" Twilight asked.
"A slimy, salty, stinky fish," Pinkie said. "Just looking at one makes me sick."
"Well, there must be someone eating them, or else they wouldn't still offer them as a selection," Rarity said.
"Good point," Rainbow admitted. "Still, gross."
Twilight's pencil scratched furiously. "Okay, and?"
Sunset tapped her plate idly with her finger. "Then you've got veggies," she said. "Onions, mushrooms, red bell peppers, green bell peppers, banana peppers, sun-ripened tomatoes, jalapeños, black olives, pineapple—"
"That's a fruit," Twilight pointed out.
"Well, yes, but it's on the veggie menu because it's not meat." Sunset stuck her tongue out at Twilight.
"Okay, this is makin' me hungry again," Applejack said, standing up. "Anybody else want another slice?" Most of the girls joined her in traipsing back to the kitchen.
"Anyway, that's the basics," Sunset said. "Again, different places offer more choices or fewer choices, there are some things only one place has...oh! That reminds me. There's one place where you can pick an extra sauce that they drizzle over the pizza and a seasoning they put on the edge of the crust. There's like, seven or eight different types of each of those you can choose."
Twilight's eyes were so wide they were nearly popping out of her head. "Oh my gosh," she said, her pencil scratching furiously. "And...and how many toppings can you have at a time?"
Sunset shrugged. "As many as you want, I guess. I think they usually try to limit you to six toppings per pizza, though."
"Yeah, piling too much stuff on the pizza makes it harder to bake evenly and makes the crust all limp," Pinkie said as she returned with more pizza. "Me and my sisters found that out the hard way when we tried to get a six-meat, six-veggies, extra-cheese one time. They told us that was a bad idea, we didn't listen, they caved in and took the order..." She shuddered. "It was a real mess."
Twilight pursed her lips. "Okay, so...between one and six toppings, and you can get pizzas that are half one thing and half another..."
As the other Rainbooms returned, they watched as Twilight began making furious strings of calculations, her pizza and soda long forgotten. Her brow furrowed, her lips twitched, her eyes rapidly scanned back and forth, and her pencil blurred on the page. After almost ten minutes of this, Twilight let out a squealing gasp and threw the notepad and pencil to the floor. "It's...it's too much!" she cried. "The combinations, the variables, the vegetables!" She threw her head back and screamed.
"PIZZA BROKE MATH!"
Rainbow Dash shoved a slice of pepperoni and bacon pizza in Twilight's open mouth. Twilight's eyes bugged out. She chewed comically on the pizza for a minute.
"Thff iff gbbd," she mumbled around the pizza.