First, there was darkness. Then a pink light flooded the darkness, revealing a studio set covered with hearts. An audience cheered wildly as a beige Earth Pony Stallion with a five o'clock shadow and messy dark mane stepped forward. His Cutie Mark was that of a small island.
"Hello, ladies and gents!" He cheered. "I'm Chris McRein, five-time winner of the Golden Glade for outstanding performance, Daytime Emmare for Best Personality, the Oscolt for Best Presenter, and host of your favorite reality show, Total Drafthorse Island, and this is The Pairing Game, where the magic of love comes to our lucky contestants!"
The audience applauded even louder as the game's logo appeared on screen and a jazzy theme music began playing.
"Tonight's episode is going to be a big one, as tonight, we have some very special contestants." Chris declared, "For the first time ever in the history of The Pairing Game, we have two Changelings on the show."
The crowd "ooh"ed in surprise.
"Yeah, I was just as surprised as you were." Chris gave one snide laugh, "Either these guys are looking for love...or just here for the buffet, am I right?"
The crowd laughed.
"In all seriousness, let this show started." Chris declared, as he pulled out a note card, "Let us meet our two bachelors! First up, we have this young feller, clocking in at age..." He blanched at the note, "...Forty years old. Wow, changelings are weird..." He then regain poise, "Give it up for this little guy, Sazh Teller! Come on out!"
From behind a curtain at the rear of the stage, Sazh emerged, to general applause. He waved awkwardly.
"Hello." He gulped.
"Let's check his profile vid, shall we?" Chris smiled.
*Static*
The camera cut away to a recording of Sazh. The small Changeling was clearly incredibly nervous.
The words Sazh, Contestant were at the bottom of the screen.
"H-hi." He stuttered. "I'm S-sazh Teller, and I'm glad to be here. R-really... I know I'm not much to look at, but I like to think of myself as the sensitive, caring type. Ladies like that, don't they?" He was greeted with silence. "Right?"
*Static*
"Yikes." Chris snorted, as the camera returned to him, as he made a gesture to Sazh, "Mr. Confident, he ain't. And now for our next contestant, clocking in at..." He blanched again. "One Hundred and Seventy years old. Lauren Faust, is this for real?" He let out a sigh as he then continued, "Let us welcome our second contestant... Char Charleston Charifficchunga... wow, that is one weird name."
Char emerged from behind the curtain. He was clearly not pleased to be here, grimacing at the pink and fluffy decor.
"Let'zzz juzzzt get thizzz over with." He declared. "Get to the pairing, so I can get to zzzharing... my body, that izzz...""
"Nice. Now let's hear a little something about this guy." Chris urged.
*Static*
The screen cut to Char's scowling face.
The words Char, Contestant were below him.
"Do those zzztudio lightzzz have to be zzzo bright?" He snarled. "And get that camera out of my face. ...Tell the viewerzzz a little something about myself? Fine. I am a proud Changeling zzzoldier, and I zzzhouldn't even be taking part in this ridiculouzzz game. Happy?" He then grimaced at all the decor. "And why the BLEEP! izzz everything pink?!"
*Static*
"Ooh." Chris cringed. "Not exactly a cool customer, is he? You think that a name such as 'Char Charleston Charifficchunga' would mean that he's a guy who gets picked on a lot."
"Hey!" Char snarled. "It'zzz not my fault that my egg caretaker was zzzome zzztupid loon who wazzz dropped azzz a child! And I thought I zzzaid I didn't want you to zzzay my full name!"
"Hey, you talked, I listened." Chris gave another snide laugh. "Anywho, I suppose you're all wondering how we got these guys on the show. Well, it's all thanks to this fella. Old as time, and currently dating pop-sensation Sapphire Shores, Wizel Yg... igg... yg-dra... Oh, just show the tape already."
*Static*
Wizel, Father-figure Of The Contestants
An image of Wizel appeared on screen.
"Hello there, television aficionados. My name is Wizel Yggdrasil. I'm sure you're all wondering why I brought Sazh and Char onto this show." Wizel declared. "Well, to be honest, I figured it would help their dispositions." He sighed deeply. "You see, Char and Sazh have always had their... differences. And of course, those differences have bred disagreements. However, lately, their disagreements have been occurring with startling regularity. In fact, a fellow Changeling with a knack for photography had taken pictures of their last argument, which escalated to physical altercations."
A series of pictures popped up in a slideshow. The first few showed Char and Wizel arguing fiercely, and the next group had them getting into a physical confrontation. The next picture showed Sleight trying to break them, followed by one where he was accidentally punched in the face by Char. Then, for some reason, the three of them were dressed in fancy clothes. The photo after that showed the Changeling photographer taking a selfie, while the fight went on in the background.
"It wasn't till the Queen and I intervened that we got them to stop fighting." Wizel sighed. "Fortunately nopony was hurt, except for Sleight's pride. But I'd had enough. I had two options: one, force them into mating with each other. I know that may sound weird to you, but that was actually a form of punishment devised by a former queen. Extreme, I know, but threat of having it invoked kept a surprising anount of Changelings in line. The other option was to get them mares and force them onto a double date. Fortunately, at the suggestion of my... paramour, and with her help, I was able to get them on this show. I would had set them up with the ladies back at the hive, but they knew all of them by now, and if they weren't doing anything with them now, I doubt they would be any time soon."
*Static*
Sazh, Itsy Bitsy Spider
"Yeah, like he said, I'm doing this because Wizel thinks it would help me and Char get along." Sazh admitted. "Wizel's never steered me wrong before, but... look, I don't hate the guy... but he's a jerk. Ever since I was a little larva, he hated me. He went out of his way to make me feel like dirt and bully me to tears. I actually enjoyed the time he was gone and in prison, because I knew he couldn't hurt me now... unfortunately, he had to go and have a 'change of heart' and is now in good graces with everypony. And since he's the head of the Guard, I have to see him everyday. Faust, I sometimes wonder why I became Sleight's advisor..."
*Static*
Char, Frankensteed's Head On A Spider Body
"I don't know why I let Wizel force me into thizzz... It wazzzn't my fault that me and Zzzazh got into it! Look, I realizzze now that I wazzz wrong to have mizzztreated him in the pazzzt, and honezzztly, I don't hate him anymore..." Char sighed, before snarling. "But he izzzn't azzz perfect azzz otherzzz make him out to be. He'zzz annoying azzz buck, and zzzince he izzz the advizzzor now, I have to anzzzwer to him. It'zzz not right having to anzzzwer to somepony who izzz zzzmaller than you, and one you could eazzzily beat in a fight. I only tolerate hizzz prezzzence because he izzz the King'zzz close friend and I have no intentionzzz of going back to prizzzon. But now, I am zzztuck in thizzz zzztupid zzzhow... for all I know, Wizel wasn't really going to force me and Sazh to pork it out."
*Static*
Wizel, ...Morgan Freestallion?
"I was. I most certainly was." Wizel nodded, "Seven hundred years of living, and ponies still don't know what I am capable of doing..."
*Static*
Back in the studio, Char and Sazh had been moved offstage.
"Now, let's meet our two mares of the day." Chris grinned. "First up, we have a honest-to-Faust Wonderbolt, Fleetfoot Featherflash!"
A spotlight shone down on the other side of the set, highlighting Fleetfoot. She had a few age lines, and some slight gray in her mane, but she was still the top athlete she was in her heyday. She waved to her supporters.
"Hi, everypony!" She smiled. "I love you, too!"
*Static*
Fleetfoot, Wonderbolt Veteran
"Being a Wonderbolt is great, but it doesn't exact leave much time for romance." Fleetfoot declared. "But I am not getting any younger, and captain Spitfire and Soarin' managed to get together and had a kid together and they are usually busier than I am. Which is why I am here. I'm here to find myself a strong, noble stallion. Someone who knows his way around the bedroom and knows how to make a girl feel special."
*Static*
"And next, we have a down-home, country girl from the Pie family rock farm, where all the best rocks come from." Chris continued. "Maud Pie!"
A spotlight shone down, revealing Maud. Aside from a streak of gray in her mane, half-moon reading glasses on a chain around her neck, and a slight increase in weight, she looked much the same as she ever did, right down to her impassive facial features.
"Hello." Maud said in her usual dull tone. "I'm excited to be here."
*Static*
Maud Pie, Professor of Rockology
"Honestly, I was pressured into doing this by my family." Maud said flatly. "They all insist that I need to find a good stallion and settle down. I understand their concerns, but sometimes their meddling in my life makes me angry." Her expression hadn't changed a bit. "But I suppose it won't hurt to play this game. I may end up with somepony nice. That would be fun. Yay."
*Static*
"Okay..." Chris frowned, not quite sure what to make of Maud's stoic nature. "Now's the time when our bachelors get to decide which of our lovely bachelorettes they want to pair up with. Girls, get behind the screen." A screen unfolded from the wall, obscuring the mares from view. "Now, let's bring back the fellas!"
Char and Sazh returned. They were wearing small circles with numbers on them (1 for Char and 2 for Sazh).
"Okay, ladies, start talking." Chris instructed. "Mare number one?"
"Hello." Maud said. "If you're looking for a mare who's all fun and excitement, I'm your girl."
"Hey there." Fleetfoot purred. "If either of you boys is looking for a high-flyer, I'm your gal."
"I call dibzzz on that one." Char declared. "Mare number two!"
"Why do you get to call dibs?" Sazh frowned.
"Becauzzze I zzzaid zzzo!" Char snarled. "And becauzzze zzzhe'zzz got a zzzexy voice..."
"Fine, whatever." Sazh snorted. "Guess that leaves me with mare number one..."
"Okay, you've made your choices." Chris smiled. "Bachelor number one went for mare number two, and bachelor number two for mare number one. Now, time for a little face-to-face!"
The screen pulled back, revealing Maud and Fleetfoot, each wearing their respective number on pink discs.
Immediately, Fleetfoot's smile faded, while Maud's expression remained the same.
"What the...?" Fleetfoot gaped. "You're a Changeling?"
"Izzz that a problem?" Char scowled, jumping to the wrong conclusion.
"Um, well..." Fleetfoot gave a nervous laugh, as she then harshly whispered to Chris. "Hey, what gives? I was promised that I would be paired up with a stallion... not a bug!"
"We're going for something new." Chris shrugged. "Besides those 'equal opportunity' clowns were really on our backs about letting more non-ponies on the show."
"But you can't expect me to-" Fleetfoot started.
"You signed a contract, remember?" Chris said harshly. "You do what the game tells you to do."
Fleetfoot scowled powerlessly.
"Is there a problem, Mizzzzzz Fleetfoot?" Char grimaced.
"Well, not really." Fleetfoot shrugged. "I just... assumed you were a stallion with a speech impediment..."
"Well, zzzorry to dizzzappoint you!" Char spat. "I zzzuppozzze you think a filthy bug izzzn't worthy of dating you?"
"Not even close." Fleetfoot sneered. "And why are you so quick to pull the race card?"
"Don't turn thizzz one back on me." Char scowled. "Gah, you zzzeemed hotter when I couldn't zzzee you..."
Meanwhile, Sazh was approached by Maud, who was as sanguine as ever.
"Um... hi." Sazh said awkwardly.
"Hello." Maud nodded.
"I, er... hope you're not disappointed too." Sazh declared.
"Of course not." Maud replied. "Can't you tell?"
"Not exactly." Sazh shrugged. "So, you're from a rock farm... what's life like over there?"
"It's really great." Maud declared. "I love being around all those rocks. It makes me so happy."
"Uh-huh..." Sazh cringed, perturbed by her lack of emotion.
"Stay tuned, folks." Chris smiled. "Now that we've gone through the introductions, we'll be moving on to the actual dates. First, they'll be going to Canterlot's fanciest restaurant, The Gilded Mane, then moving to the historic opera house for a showing of Roameo and Muliet, then our bachelors will take their ladies home to meet the family in the Changeling Territory. Get ready to see the sparks fly!"
*Static*
Following a commercial break, the two couples were being chauffeured to Canterlot for the first part of their date. Them and a whole camera crew that was sharing the cab with them. Fleetfoot was wearing a sky blue dress, while Maud wore an indigo gown with quartz stones sewn in. The Changelings simply wore bowties. Char and Fleetfoot were looking away from each other, tensions high. Sazh was nervous, while Maud was staring off into space, seemingly bored.
"So... you ever been to Canterlot before?" Sazh asked.
"Once or twice, yes." Maud nodded. "I've even been to the Grand Galloping Gala. My sister Pinkie invited me. It was a lot of fun."
"Well, it sure... sounds like it." Sazh cringed.
*Static*
Sazh, Very Confused
"I seriously don't know what's up with this Maud girl." Sazh declared. "I've seen slugs that were more lively and energetic than her..."
*Static*
Maud, Master Of Tact
"Sazh seemed quite shy." Maud declared. "But I'm not really into exuberant stallions, so that's a good thing. I have high hopes for this date."
*Static*
"I don't need to ask if you've been to Canterlot before, of course." Fleetfoot sneered at Char.
"Like I don't know what that meanzzz." Char snarled. "Low blow, by the way."
"Really?" Fleetfoot growled. "I had family in Canterlot who were traumatized by your attack. Or are you going to play the 'I wasn't there' card?"
"I was there, actually." Char admitted, "In fact, if it wazzzn't for the Prince and Princezzzzzz, I would have led our army to victory."
"Oh, so you had fun, did you?" Fleetfoot jibed.
Char scowled, but bit back a retort.
*Static*
Char, Doesn't Like Talking About The Past
"It'zzz been twenty yearzzz zzzince that day." Char growled. "You'd think zzzhe'd leave the pazzzt in the pazzzt..."
*Static*
Fleetfoot, Doesn't Leave The Past In The Past
"Terrific." Fleetfoot snorted. "I'm on a date with one of the psycho bugs who tried to conquer Canterlot... Where's some Changeling repellent when I need it?"
*Static*
The carriage stopped outside The Gilded Mane, and the two couples entered the restaurant.
"Ah, you must be our special guests." A waiter stepped forward. "Right this way, please."
The waiter led them over to two adjacent tables. The restaurant was packed with various guests. A pink-coated Unicorn mare with a purple and aqua striped mane sat in a corner, her face hidden behind a menu.
A tubby Unicorn stallion with a dull green coat and orange mane cast a contemptuous glare at Char and Sazh as they passed by.
"So, ah... what would you like?" Sazh asked Maud, as they took their seats, one table for each couple.
"I'd be partial to some stone stew." Maud declared.
"Stone... stew?" Sazh gaped. "I didn't know ponies ate rocks..."
"We don't." The waiter frowned.
"It's an acquired taste." Maud told him.
"But not one that this establishment caters for." The waiter declared.
"Not a problem." Maud pulled out a piece of paper. "My family have an excellent recipe. I just happen to have it on me."
"How... convenient." The waiter frowned. "But we don't really have the ingredients."
"That's okay." Maud pulled some rocks out of her dress. "I always carry some extras."
*Static*
Sazh, Very Weirded Out
"She was carrying rocks in her dress the whole time." Sazh cringed. "Who even does that? What have I gotten myself into?"
*Static*
"Oh, thank you." The waiter said awkwardly. "I'll... rush these to the kitchen right away."
"Would you like some stone soup too, Sazh?" Maud asked. "It's okay if you don't, but I would really like you to try it."
"...Okay, I guess I'll give it a shot." Sazh shrugged.
*Static*
Sazh, Too Dumb To Live
"Okay, I don't really think eating rocks is a good idea." Sazh confessed. "But I've gotta be a gentlestallion, right? Maybe that will earn me points with her."
*Static*
"And what will you be having, sir?" The waiter asked Char. "Some rotten fruit perhaps?"
"Hey, that izzz an unfounded zzztereotype!" Char yelled, slamming his hoof into the table.
"My apologies." The waiter cringed, quite frightened by the Changeling's anger. "What would you like, sir?"
"Well, since you kindly azzzked..." Char scoffed, as he glanced at the menu. "I will have the wildberry zzzalad."
"I'll have the tumbleweed stew." Fleetfoot declared.
"And be quick about it!" Char yelled.
*Static*
Fleetfoot, Pot Calling The Kettle Black?
"There he goes with that temper again." Fleetfoot snarled. "It's really starting to tick me off!"
*Static*
A short while later, the couples were eating their food (Sazh trying to avoid the stones).
"So, you eat pony food?" Fleetfoot asked Char.
"Yezzz, I do." Char declared. "We Changelingzzz are perfectly capable of doing zzzo. It'zzz juzzzt not our firzzzt choice of zzzuzzztenance."
"Oh, yeah." Fleetfoot nodded. "Your first choice is draining the love out of ponies, like overgrown parasites. You gonna drain me?"
"Azzz if there'd be any love in your zzzour little body." Char spat.
*Static*
Char, Acid Tongue
"A little much, I admit." Char shrugged. "But zzzhe zzztarted it!"
*Static*
A large crowd of ponies whooped and cheered.
"OOOOH!"
"WHAT?"
You got served!"
"BURN!"
*Static*
"So, Sazh, how good are you in the bed?" Maud asked.
Sazh spat the water he was sipping from, coughing a bit as he glanced at Maud in shock.
"Whoa, that's kind of early for that kind of question, isn't it?" Sazh gulped.
"Have you ever been in bed with a lady before?" Maud urged.
"Well, I, uh... don't think this is the place to talk about such things." Sazh said nervously.
"If you don't want to answer, that's fine." Maud declared. "But it kind of feels like by not answering it, you are answering it."
*Static*
Sazh, Virgin?
"...Oh... well, I assure you, I'm not a virgin."
*Static*
Char, In The Know
"That's his story." Char snickered.
*Static*
Sazh, Seriously Not A Virgin?
"But to be honest... I'm not like the best... but I"m not the worst... I just have this issue-" Sazh stuttered.
*Static*
Char, Bug On Roids
"He criezzz... I'm zzzerious. Wizel told me all about it." Char sneered
*Static*
Sazh, Crybaby?
"I do not!" Sazh yelled.
*Static*
Wizel, Dirty Grandpa
"Oh he does. It's a sad truth. Every time he finishes, he bursts into tears. Many mares can attest to that."
*Static*
Sazh, Definite Crybaby
"Oh yeah, who?"
*Static*
Skitter, Former Girlfriend
He cried like a larva when we broke up." Skitter, a slender mareling, snorted.
*Static*
Scale, Former Girlfriend
"He'd cry all the time." Scale declared. "The way he sobbed, you'd think his shell were made out of pudding..."
*Static*
Lepidot, Former Girlfriend
"He really wasn't that bad." Lepidot admitted. "But he cried right after for some reason, which kinda killed the mood..."
*Static*
Aloe, One-Night-Stand
"He was a real cutie." Aloe smiled. "We had real bed fun. But then he started crying, and that was kinda weird..."
"I had better luck with Wizel." Lotus smirked, as she popped her head into frame.
"So you keep saying." Aloe rolled her eyes.
*Static*
Sazh, Oh My Faust He's About To Cry!
"I don't have to take this." Sazh sniffed. "I don't cry, you hear me? ...I'm done here."
Sazh stormed away from the camera.
*Static*
Back at the restaurant, Char was sniggering at Sazh's clear awkwardness.
"Pathetic." He sneered. "He never wazzz very good with the ladiezzz..."
"Real nice." Fleetfoot snarled. "And I suppose you're a regular Casaneighva?"
*Static*
Char, Sexy And He Knows It.
"Well, I don't mean to brag, but... you can zzzee I leave my girls pretty satisfied."
*Static*
Secta, Former Girlfriend
"Oh, he was a fantastic lover!" She sighed. "He knew all the right moves. Sharing my nest with him was always the highlight of my night. Oh, Faust!"
*Static*
Vermina, Former Girlfriend
"Oh Faust, was he a great lay." She purred. "So strong and forceful..."
*Static*
Slinker, former one-night-stand
"Oh, we had fun." Slinker, a clearly male Changeling, chuckled. "It was just the one time, but oh Faust, it was gooood...."
*Static*
Char, Swings Both Ways?
"Dammit, Slinker, that was one time! ONE TIME! We were trapped in a cave, and it was cold!" Char yelled, "I'm NOT GAY!"
*Static*
"Let'zzz juzzzt zzzay I have plenty of experience." Char smirked.
"Well, I'm no slacker in the bed region either." Fleetfoot proclaimed. "But one-night-stands are no substitute for romance. That's why I want on this show. I was looking for Mr. Right... and I got you instead."
"Well, I didn't exactly fetch a prize catch either." Char snorted.
*Static*
Fleetfoot, Thin-Skinned
"Seriously?" Fleetfoot spat. "I'm a prize catch. I'm a freakin' Wonderbolt, for crying out loud! One of the best! Who does he think he is? Look at these curves!" She ran her hooves down her body. "You know how many stallions would love to get their hooves all over this bod? To caress my every curve and dip? A lot, that's how many! That's how much of a prize catch I am!"
*Static*
Char, More Of A Jerk Than He Lets On
"I callzzz them like I zzzeezzz them." Char shrugged. "To zzzome ponies, a 'Wonderbolt' might be a favorable partner. Heck, zzzome of the zzzoldiers back at the hive have magazinezzz of them and I won't go into detailzzz azzz to what they do with them. Bottom line, I'm not one of them. I don't mean anything by it, but that'zzz juzzzt how thingzzz are."
*Static*
"Sazh, why aren't you eating your stone stew?" Maud asked.
"Oh, I am." Sazh took in a spoonful of the liquid. "Mm-mmm!"
"But it's the stones that are the real treat." Maud urged. "Try one. They're good."
*Static*
Sazh, Dumber Than A Rock?
"Yeah. I'm not proud of what I did next." Sazh cringed.
*Static*
Sazh picked up one of the rocks with his spoon, and put it in his mouth. His fangs grinded against the hard rock.
"It's good, isn't it?" Maud asked.
"Mmmm!" Sazh groaned. "Very good... very, very..." Not wanting to disappoint her, he swallowed... and the rock got stuck in his throat. "Ack... ack! Ack! Ack!"
"Oh no, you're choking." Maud said flatly.
As Maud slapped Sazh on the back, the stallion from before was loudly complaining to a waiter.
"I shouldn't have to pay for this." He spat. "This soup is lousy, and this chair is really uncomfortable. Not to mention the quality of the fellow diners..." He cast a glare at Sazh and Char's tables. "I demand you tear up the bill!"
With one hard slap, Maud made Sazh cough up the rock, whch flew across the restaurant. It struck the unpleasant stallion on the back of the head. The stallion keeled over, landing face-first in his soup.
*Static*
Monty, Put-Upon Waiter
"An excellent shot." Monty smirked. "That fat oaf needed to shut up. If their meal weren't be covered by the studio, I would have been tempted to tear up their bill in sheer gratitude."
*Static*
"Thanks..." Sazh wheezed, as he recovered from his ordeal.
"I'm glad you're okay." Maud said dispassionately. "I was worried for a second there."
*Static*
Sazh, Highly Skeptical
"Worried? really?" Sazh scowled. "Because it doesn't look like it to me!"
*Static*
After finishing their meals, the couples moved on to the next step in their date: The play.
"I've never been to a play before." Sazh admitted. "Is this one any good?"
"Yes, it is." Maud answered. "It's a classic story of doomed romance and star-crossed lovers. It's one of my favorites, actually."
"I'm not much of a theatre enthuzzziazzzt." Char proclaimed.
"Neither am I." Fleetfoot admitted. "Culture isn't my thing."
"At lazzzt, zzzomething we agree on." Char declared.
"But I actually enjoy a good romance." Fleetfoot added.
"Ugh, no matter what the zzzpeciezzz, girlzzz are girlzzz." Char groaned. "You all love thizzz muzzzhy zzztuff."
*Static*
Fleetfoot, Getting More And More Annoyed
"So he's sexist too." Fleetfoot growled. "Lucky me..."
*Static*
Char, Not A Fan Of The Stage
"Juzzzt to clarify, zzzpending two hourzzz in a big dark place, watching poniezzz play drezzzzzz up, with an annoying mare sat next to me is not my idea of fun." Char huffed, "Now, a all-out brawl in the barrackzzz, now that'zzz entertainment!"
*Static*
As they entered, Char pulled Sazh aside.
"Having fun?" He asked.
"It's been... interesting so far." Sazh admitted.
"I zzzee your mare hazzzn't all that fun." Char whispered. "Perhapzzz you'd like to trade."
"Yeah, no." Sazh smirked.
"Come on!" Char hissed. "Pleazzze! Thizzz mare izzz unbearable!"
"Which is exactly why I won't switch." Sazh said smugly. "Consider my revenge for earlier."
"What's taking you two?" Fleetfoot called irritably. "You got rocks in those freaky leg holes?"
"Actually, that would be nice." Maud declared.
"Come on." Sazh sneered. "Our ladies await..."
Sazh followed after the mares. Char, scowling reluctantly came after him.
*Static*
Char, Right All Along?
"You zzzee?" Char growled. "Thizzz izzz juzzt what I wazzz talking about. The runt'zzz not azzz nice azzz he lookzzz..."
*Static*
The couples took their seats as the play began. Sazh showed some interest, but the hammy acting started grating on Char.
"Oh Romeo, Roameo, wherefore art thou, Roameo?" Muliet gasped.
"But soft, what light from yonder breaks?" Roameo declared.
*Static*
Char, Caustic Critic
"What the buck were they even zzzaying?" Char snorted. "Wazzz whoever wrote this thing dyzzzlexic, or zzzomething?"
*Static*
"It is the east, and Muliet is the sun..." Roameo proclaimed.
"Ohhhh..." Fleetfoot sniffed.
Char rolled his eyes silently.
*Static*
Char, Smug In Victory
"What did I zzzay?" He smirked. "Girlzzz, right?"
*Static*
"If I cannot liveth with thee, I shall not liveth at all!" Muliet stabbed herself with a dagger, and fell across Roameo's dead body.
There was barely a dry eye in the house. With some notable exceptions. Sazh looked over at Maud, who bore the same expression.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"I'm fine." Maud declared. "I'm just overcome with emotion."
*Static*
Maud, Stone-faced
"I have a real weakness for tragedies." Maud said bluntly.
*Static*
Sazh, Hugely Confused
"What is wrong with this mare?" He frowned. "She barely even twitched through the whole thing! If I didn't know better, I'd think she was fresh off a dental operation, or botox..."
*Static*
Once the play ended, the couples exited the theatre.
"Well, that zzzucked." Char snorted. "Two hourzzz of my life I'll never get back..."
*Static*
Fleetfoot, Surprisingly Defensive
"Big surprise." Fleetfoot sneered. "The big, brutish bug's got no love for theatre."
*Static*
Char, Not Impressed
"It'zzz not my fault I thought it wazzz louzzzy." Char scoffed. "That lead actor wazzz zzzo wooden. I can't believe poniezzz paid good money to watch him make an idiot of himzzzelf."
*Static*
The camera changed to a view of the actor who played Roameo.
Show Stopper, "Roameo"
"What does he know?" Show Stopper said petulantly. "I work my hooves off every day, doing what I love! No overgrown weevil can take that away from me! I'll be in my changing room!"
The actor walked away in a huff.
*Static*
"Well, I thought it was... okay." Sazh shrugged. "Did you like it, Maud?"
"Yes." Maud nodded. "It was everything I thought it would be."
*Static*
Sazh, Not Liking Where This Is Going
"I can't shake the feeling that she's just saying what I want to hear." Sazh fretted. "Why else would she say things like that without so much as a smile?"
*Static*
The couples returned to the carriage for their final destination: The hive.
"Welcome back, fellas." One of the Guards declared as they approached the gates. "And hello to your lovely guests."
Wizel had informed the Guards of Fleetfoot and Maud's arrival, so there would be no overreaction.
"Yeah, whatever." Fleetfoot shrugged.
"Hello." Maud stated. "Nice to meet you."
"...How about getting those gates open?" Sazh asked.
The gates opened, and the two couples entered.
"What a dump." Fleetfoot sneered disparagingly. "I hope those huts aren't made out of dung..."
"Of courzzze not." Char snarled. "We're not dung beetlezzz, you know."
"Well, you look like some kind of beetle, at least." Fleetfoot declared. "Stink beetles, maybe, judging by the odor..."
*Static*
Char, Getting Angry
"Who doezzz that mare think zzzhe izzz?" Char growled. "Zzzaying things like that around the hive? She's looking to get her BLEEP! BLEEP! by a BLEEP!"
The camera started moving away from him slowly.
"Hey, get back here!" He yelled. "I'm not done yet!"
*Static*
"So... what do you think?" Sazh asked Maud, as they walked through the streets.
"I must admit, this sort of thing isn't my forte." Maud declared. "But it is charmingly rustic."
"Oh, I see." Sazh sighed.
*Static*
Sazh, Loveable Loser?
"Maud just doesn't seem to be enjoying herself at all." Sazh admitted. "Maybe it's me. Maybe she just doesn't like being on a date with a runt like me. Guess I'm just not exciting enough..."
*Static*
The quartet made their way to the tower.
"You're in for a treat." Sazh smiled. "Not many ponies get to behold the majesty of the King and queen of the Changelings."
As they opened the door to the throne room, they found Sleight and Chrysalis on the throne, in a very uncompromising position.
"Oh... hey, guys." Sleight cringed.
*Static*
Sleight And Chrysalis, Caught In The Act
"Was the visit supposed to be today?" Chrysalis glanced awkwardly at the cameras. "Must have slipped our minds..."
"Not that we were doing anything rude, though..." Sleight lied. "Chrys was just... giving me a back rub."
"Then why was Chrysalis's hoof rubbing your-" One of the camerastallions asked... before being turned into a card.
"It was just a back rub. Got it?" Sleight glared.
*Static*
Fleetfoot, Physically Sick
"I did not need to see that." Fleetfoot cringed.
*Static*
Maud, Slightly Disturbed?
"That reminded me of the time I walked in on my parents together when I was five." Maud said flatly. "It was very traumatizing."
*Static*
"Um... hello, ladies." Sleight cleared his throat, shifting to hide his lower body. "Nice to have you here."
"I trust you're... enjoying your dates?" Chrysalis asked.
"'Enjoy' is a strong word." Fleetfoot scoffed.
"Things have been satisfactory so far." Maud announced.
"Well, we hope you enjoy visiting our humble hive." Sleight declared. "If you need anything, let one of our servants know."
"We'll keep that in mind." Fleetfoot declared.
"Thank you for your hospitality." Maud said quietly.
"Okay, let's move on, shall we?" Sazh urged, as they left the room.
"Somehow, I expected something more... regal." Fleetfoot cringed.
"Watch your tone." Char growled. "What our King and Queen do in the comfort of their throne room izzz no concern of yourzzz!"
"I don't know." Fleetfoot frowned. "I'm pretty concerned right now..."
"I wasn't aware even a Changeling's body could bend that way." Maud said nonchalantly. "I guess you learn something new every day."
"This isn't even the most shocking thing I've seen around here." Sazh declared. "You'd be surprised what the King and Queen get up to. Suffice to say, they go through a lot of whipped cream."
*Static*
Sazh, Staying Determined
"I'm going to get a reaction out of that mare, even if it kills me." Sazh proclaimed. "And even if I have to get a little lewd about it."
*Static*
"Really? How odd." Maud said, her expression unchanged.
*Static*
Sazh, Getting Annoyed
"Seriously?" He groaned. "Not so much as a raised eyebrow?"
*Static*
As they continued through the tower, they encountered Wizel.
"Ah, there's the lovebirds." Wizel grinned.
"Don't call us that, old timer." Fleetfoot growled.
"Watch your mouth." Char snarled. "Zzzhow zzzome rezzzpect. Wizel izzz among our oldezzzt and wizzzezzzt."
"It was Wizel who helped get us on this show in the first place." Sazh added.
*Static*
Fleetfoot, Doesn't Respect Her Elders
"So it's that dusty old fossil's fault I'm on this lousy date?" Fleetfoot scowled. "Good to know."
*Static*
"He alzzzo ezzzzzzentially raizzzed the two of uzzz." Char added.
"And a bang-up job he did." Fleetfoot said sarcastically. "Considering how Sazh is, I'm guessing you were the dry run? The first time never works out so well..."
"Zzzo funny..." Char scowled.
*Static*
Char, You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry
"I don't know how much more of that mare'zzz lip I can take..." He seethed, "Even Sazh is not this infuriating!"
*Static*
"I made a mistake or two in my time, but I think I did a good job with both of my boys." Wizel declared. "Char may not be the most sensitive Changeling around, but he is one of our best soldiers, a commander of our troops, and a great defender of our realm."
"In other words, he's a brainless brute." Fleetfoot rolled her eyes. "Thanks for clearing that up, old timer."
"Nice." Char spat. "Undermine my entire reazzzon for being. It'zzz better than zzzpending all day doing flying trickzzz."
"Says who?" Fleetfoot growled.
"Zzzayzzz me." Char retorted. "At leazzzt what I do makezzz a difference."
"Yeah, right. If you're one of the best defenders this place has, I actually feel sorry for them." Fleetfoot snorted. "Having a hotheaded thug in charge can't be good for them."
*Static*
Char, Finally Blowing His Stack
"That izzz it! I can take being called a thug, I can take being called a traitor, I can even take the runt'zzz annoying commentzzz! But I will be BLEEP! five ways from Zzzunday if I allow my military zzzkill to be insulted!" Char yelled. "No pony insults them!"
*Static*
"That izzz it!" Char yelled. "I've had it with you, you irritating, picky, rotten little floozy!"
*Static*
Fleetfoot, Not Surprised
"I figured he'd finally show his true colors sooner or later..." Fleetfoot sneered.
*Static*
"Here we go." Flatfoot declared. "I knew from the moment I saw you that you were just some short-tempered brute."
"Well, at leazzzt I'm not zzzome louzzzy bitch who insultzzz her date every few zzzecondzzz!" Char yelled.
"Whoa!" The camerastallion held up a hoof. "Where was the censor for that?!"
"Zzzhut up!" Char roared, "I will zzzay what I want to zzzay!"
"I never wanted to date you!" Fleetfoot yelled. "I wanted a real stallion, not a bug!"
"Don't call me that, you... pigeon-winged zzzhow-off!" Char roared.
"Forget this." Fleetfoot snorted. "I'm outta here."
*Static*
Fleetfoot, Late To The Party
"I should've done this in the first place." Fleetfoot pouted.
*Static*
Fleetfoot walked away.
"Don't you walk away!" Char followed after her. "I'm not done with you yet!"
*Static*
Char, Always Has To Have The Last Word
"I'm not letting her off that easy..." Char growled.
*Static*
"Wait!" Wizel yelled, as the two departed. "Come on, give each other a chance... oh, buck..."
*Static*
Wizel, Terrible Matchmaker
"I never meant for this to happen." Wizel sighed. "I wanted to help them, not hurt them..."
*Static*
"Boy, that was something, right?" Sazh asked Maud. "Real emotional rollercoaster, huh?"
"You can say that again." Maud deadpanned.
*Static*
Sazh, At Wit's End
"AHHHHHHHH!!" Sazh screamed. "For BLEEP! sake, do something! Anything! I can't take this anymore! She's tearing me apart!"
Sazh screamed once again as he ran off camera.
"...Should I keep rolling?" The camerastallion asked.
*Static*
"...Well, we'd better go find them." Sazh declared. "Before either of them does something they'll regret... or that the Wonderbolts will be mad at us for..."
"It would be awful if something happened to Fleetfoot." Maud said flatly. "i hope your friend isn't the violent type."
"He isn't usually, but he has his limits..." Sazh said darkly.
Sazh and Maud searched all over the tower. On the third floor, they suddenly heard sounds coming from a broom closet.
"Hey, I wonder if they're in here..." Maud mused.
"Sure." Sazh nodded. "Char? Fleetfoot? Are you in-"
Sazh opened the door to find Char and Fleetfoot making out.
"Whoa!" Maud declared, a genuinely shocked expression on her face.
"What in Faust's name?! "Sazh yelped.
Char and Fleetfoot stopped, realizing that they were being watched. The two glanced at the camera, then at each other. Char then slowly pulled the door shut, leaving everypony stupefied.
*Static*
Char and Fleetfoot, Seven Minutes Of Heaven?
Char and Fleetfoot were heavily blushing.
"So... Char... Fleetfoot... have anything to add to what we just saw?" Chris asked from offscreen.
"...No comment..." Char declared.
"Fleetfoot?" Chris offered.
"...I have nothing to say..." Fleetfoot muttered
"Well you gotta have something to say, we're on the air here. Give us the detail!" Chris urged.
"It was a moment of weaknezzzzzz." Char claimed.
"Totally." Fleetfoot agreed.
"Really? Because when last we saw you, you two were really getting fierce." Chris noted.
"Well... we were..." Char cringed, "But I don't want to go into this."
"Me neither." Fleetfoot agreed.
"Well, it's a good thing we had a hidden camera installed then."
"Wait, what?" Char and Fleetfoot gaped.
*Static*
The hidden camera showed the hallway, the broom closet slightly to the left. Fleetfoot suddenly passed by, still angry. Char swooped in and grabbed her, stopping her.
"Don't walk away from me!" Char yelled.
"Let me go!" Fleetfoot pulled free. "Get your bug hooves off me!"
"You juzzzt can't help yourzzzelf, can you?" Char sneered. "You've done nothing but inzzzult and belittle me all day. If thizzz izzz how you treat your datezzz, it'zzz no wonder you're zzzingle...."
"Shut up!" Fleetfoot slapped Char.
Shocked, Char felt his cheek.
"Why, you..." Char growled. He slapped Fleetfoot back.
The two glared daggers at each other for a moment... then grabbed each other and started kissing.
"Mmm..." Char murmured.
"Mmm..." Fleetfoot groaned.
Without breaking the kiss, they slid into the broom closet, closing the door behind them.
One of the Changeling servants walked by, and noticed the camera. He glanced at it.
"When did we get security cameras?" He wondered.
*Static*
Char And Fleetfoot, In Total Denial
The two remained mute for a moment.
"Well, maybe you two aren't so different after all, am I right?" Chris gave a snide laugh.
"Look, let's get things straight: I really don't know what happened." Char shrugged. "One moment, I wazzz momentzzz away from zzzmazzzhing the lizzzp out of her mouth, the next, I was all over her."
"Yeah. I don't know whether it was something I ate or the way the light shone off his battle-scarred carapace... I just lost it." Fleetfoot admitted.
"Don't get the wrong idea, I zzztill have my problemzzz with poniezzz, probably alwayzzz will." Char frowned, "I mean, me zzznogging with zzzome high and might Wonderbolt wazzz a one-off thing."
"Yeah, as me playing tongue jockey with some block head Changeling is too..." Fleetfoot declared fiercely, before getting a blush, "However... if that block head were to call me again, I might consider."
"Yeah, and if a certain Wonderbolt were to come to my place after-hourzzz, I would have no complaints..." Char smiled wryly.
"...So... would you two date again?" Chris asked.
"No!" Char and Fleetfoot yelled as they both blushed harder.
"There it is then..." Chris said triumphantly.
"What?!" Char yelled.
*Static*
Sazh and Maud wisely made themselves scarce after catching Char and Fleetfoot in action. They entered into a side room, recovering from the shock of what they had just seen.
"There's another sight I did not expect to see today." Maud declared, a slight hint of shock in her voice. "But it is nice to see those two getting along."
"Yeah, it is..." Sazh said, despondent.
*Static*
Sazh, Really Upset... And Really Immasculated
"Just great." Sazh sighed. "Char actually got some action, even though he and Fleetfoot seemed to hate each other! Seriously, I just don't get that big guy half the time..." He then let out another sigh. "But nonetheless, while he's getting tail, I haven't been able to get Maud to even smile. Some date this has been..."
*Static*
"Maud, I'm sorry." Sazh declared. "I wanted to give you a good time on this date, but I guess I screwed up."
"What makes you think I didn't have have a good time?" Maud asked.
"The fact that you haven't cracked so much as a smile all day." Sazh frowned, "Honestly, no offense, but you were like talking to a board."
*Static*
Caboose, Surprise Guest
"I know all about mares who act like boards." He declared. "Take my former marefriend, Peaches Cream. I definitely would've seen more action in bed from a 2x4..."
*Static*
"Oh... I see." Maud nodded. "I'm very sorry to have given you the wrong idea. I am told often that I had trouble expressing my emotions. The truth is, I had a really fun time today. I enjoyed every second of your company."
"You did?" Sazh gaped.
"Yes." Maud nodded. "You're so sweet and kind. And even... quite cute."
"Really?" Sazh said bashfully.
"Really." Maud planted a kiss on Sazh's cheek. When she pulled away, Sazh was shocked to see a small smile on her face. "Maybe we could do this again sometime?"
"That... that would be great..." Sazh stroked his cheek.
*Static*
Sazh And Maud, On The Same Page At Last
"So, while you guys got off to an awkward start, it looks like you've finally clicked after all." Chris declared.
"Yeah, I won't mind admitting that I was worried for a while." Sazh declared. "It turns out Maud's just not the kind of mare who broadcasts all her feelings out loud. I actually find that refreshing."
"And Sazh is such an adorable little cuddlebug." Maud gave her small smile. "I don't see how any mare could resist this face."
"So, will you be seeing each other again?" Chris asked.
"For sure." Sazh grinned, putting a hoof around her.
"Maybe next time, you can come to my home." Maud offered. "I'm sure my family would just love you."
"And I'm sure I'll love them." Sazh smiled. "Especially if they're anything like you."
"Not exactly." Maud declared. "But they are very nice."
"Then I'm in." Sazh kissed Maud.
*Static*
Wizel, Good Matchmaker After All (In Your Face, Nagsy Grace)
"I'm so happy for all of them." Wizel smiled. "Char and Sazh deserve to have some good ladies in their lives. And as a nice bonus, they've been too lovestruck to argue recently. So it's a win-win!"
"Well, glad it all worked out." Chris smirked. "But just curious... could you tell us about your sex life with Sapphire Shores?"
"I could." Wizel nodded. "But I won't. Aside from being private, it's also far too explicit for a family show."
*Static*
Sazh And Char, Bachelors No More
"Well, things really turned out great." Sazh admitted.
"Yezzz." Char nodded. "Azzz zzzurprizzzing azzz it zzzeems, Fleetfoot izzz a wonderful mare."
"And Maud is really sweet once you get to know her." Sazh smiled. "I've never had a steady girl before. It feels so good. Like I'm walking on air."
"I juzzzt can't zzzeem to wipe thizzz zzzmile off my face." Char chuckled. "I don't even feel like arguing with Zzzazh any more..."
"I can't even remember what we were fighting about last time." Sazh admitted.
"Neither do I." Char nodded. "And even if I did, I'm too happy to care."
"Now I finally understand all those songs on the radio." Sazh declared.
"Me too." Char grinned. "I uzzzed to think it wazzz all nonzzzenzzze, but it all juzzzt zzzeemzzz to rezzzonate with me now..."
"What did you think I would do at this moment..." Sazh started singing.
"When you're standing before me..." Char joined in.
"With tears in your eyes..." Sazh smiled.
"Trying to tell me..." Char crooned.
"That you found you another..." Sazh continued.
"And you just don't love me no more..." Char blared.
"And what did you think I would say at this moment..." The two sang together. "When I'm faced with the knowledge that you just don't love me?"
*Static*
Sleight And Chrysalis, Avid Shippers
"Hey, everypony needs love." Sleight chuckled.
"And now they all know the same kind of love we feel." Chrysalis sighed, as she nuzzled Sleight.
*Static*
The camera panned back to the stage of the show, where Chris was standing.
"How about that, folks?" Chris smiled. "Changelings and ponies, together in the throes of love. Let's see what noted love therapist Guru Geld thinks."
*Static*
Guru Geld, Love Expert
"Honestly, I was quite surprised." Guru, a silver-coated Unicorn with a blue mane and robes declared. "Changelings are not my forte, though a biologist friend has an interesting viewpoint."
*Static*
Dr. Pinto, Biologist
"Changelings may feed on love, but it doesn't stop them from feeling it. It's kinda like having your cake and eating it too." Dr. Pinto announced. "This of course, leads them to partaking in physical love, too. In fact, every so often, the female secretes a pheromone that drives males so wild, they gather around her for an orgy."
*Static*
Queen Chrysalis, Changeling Authority (Don't You Dare Question It)
"What?!" She scowled. "I don't know where this so-called Doctor gets his information from, but that is not how Changeling females work!"
*Static*
Wizel, Former Ladies' Changeling
"I've had my share of group activities, but never because of some pheromone!" Wizel sneered. "They wanted me because of this!" He gestured to themselves. "Besides, it's the ladies who pile on me..."
*Static*
"Okay..." Chris gave a small frown, before smiling widely again, "Well, that's enough for tonight. The Pairing Game was a success, and now we can get those equal opportunists off our back about having more of other species on here. Tune in next time as we will have..." He then scowled. "Oh, really? A giant dragon and a lady zebra? Oh, this is going to be a nightmare..." He then put up a false smile, "Have a good night, folks..."
The audience applauded as the lights dimmed and the credits rolled.
"See you next time, on... The Pairing Game!" Chris cheered, as he then walked offstage, his smile fading instantly. "I need a drink..."
Brought To You By Yoka-Cola