//------------------------------// // Chapter 4: Of Chef's and Overpriced Mac Computers // Story: My Little Filthy Frank: Ramen Is Magic // by That_Gamer_Scout //------------------------------// Somehow, someway, and unnoticed by any royal guard, Frank was able to skate himself straight into Canterlot as he approached the royal castle, taking in it’s vastness. “Shit’s fucking huge” Says Frank as he hikes up his pants and grabs his crotch, runs to a nearby window, breaks it, and climbs in. Inside the newly trespassed room Frank came eye to eye to a long hallway with many doors. “Oh” says Frank, blinking his eyes repeatedly with a constipated look on his face “I guess I better start looking” Frank stumbles his way towards the closest door to him opening it up carefully. The room inside appeared to be a large kitchen; pots, pans, spoons, burners, stoves, and cooking ingredients filled the room to the brim. “This…” Stuttered Frank as he withdrew a CD copy of Chef from his back pocket “Is my calling” Frank jumped into action as he quickly grabbed a chef hat and jacket hanging off a nearby coat hanger, though the hat was too short and the chef jacket was way too small he didn’t care, Only one thing was on his mind: make the best soup this realm has ever seen. Frank filled up a large pot with water as he grabbed as many ingredients his arms could carry. One by one he dumped the contents of each spice bottle, powder blends, broths, and any fruits and vegetables he happened to have on hand. It didn’t matter to Frank if what he made wasn’t ‘good’, ‘competent’ or even ‘edible’ he knew that what he was crafting was a masterpiece and anyone who disagreed just didn’t understand his craft and artistic vision. “You’re here early” booms a voice from behind Frank “Da fuck?” spits Frank as he quickly turns around coming face to face (well, more knee to face) with two white unicorn royal guards clad in golden armor. “We weren't informed that you’d be here fifteen minutes early, is the dinner ready?” the guard on the right asks. “Yeah of course b0ss, is right here” he says pointing to the pot of what could barely be described as soup. “Uh, hold on officer” the guard on the left says to the guard on the right “are you sure this is the chef, I mean, he doesn’t look like a minotaur” “What? Of course he’s a minotaur, just look at him, what else could he be?” “Well… I don’t know…” “Look, just inform the Princesses that the chef is here and that dinner will be early. We’ve been told that they’ve been wanting to meet him for a while know, something about him being extremely famous chef among minotaurs. Just, hurry and go” The left guard salutes the right guard “Yes sir! Will do!” he says before walking out the door. The remaining guard turned to Frank “Is the food ready?” “Yeah mane I made some soup. It’s my famous recipe, it’s a family recipe” he says while poorly imitating an italian accent while cupping his hands. “Uh huh… Well, it’ll have to do. Come this way” The guard motions Frank towards the door. The pair walk down the hallway past many doors before coming face to face with a large set of double doors, the guard walks in front of Frank and holds the door open for him. “The princesses are waiting inside” the guard instructs sternly “Yeah, well these ‘princesses’ better be ready to taste the best god damn soup in their entire lives” Frank walks into the room with the guard close behind. The room inside was mostly devoid of furniture apart from the large, rectangular table with chairs all around it. Sat at the table was Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and many delegates from all around Equestria. Frank clears his throat “Eh hem… B0ss” Celestia glances at Frank, examining him carefully before looking at the guard. “Oh no...” she exclaims under her breath “Your highness, I am pleased to introduce you to Steel Pot: world famous chef” “I see… You know this isn’t a minotaur, right?” “Wait?... But… Your highness…” stammers the guard as he quickly looks at Frank. “Yeah boi, I don’t even know what a minotaur is” says Frank “what are you? Fucking stupid?” “Guards!” Celestia calls out as a dozen royal guards flood into the room. “Please escort this weird, fat, asian man out of here” “Ooooooh! So suddenly you don’t want my cooking. What? Was the glue factory just too good for you?” “Guards! Remove him from here immediately!” “Oh yeah! Well, ya’ll mother fuckers need Chin-Chin! In fact…” Frank cups his hands around his lips “Oh Chin-Chin! Ochinchin ga daisuki nandayo” Suddenly, a man in a black body suit falls from the ceiling and lands on the table. Quickly getting up on his hands and knees the strange man belches out “Ore wa ochinchin ga daisuki nandayo” Celestia facehooves and shakes her head back and forth “This is stupid… Is this supposed to be some sort of practical joke?” “Actually, it is” says Frank as he pulls out a pair of sunglasses from his pocket and puts them on “and you just got pranked bruh! Yeah!” he yells as he pelvic thrusts. “Just get out” demands Celestia “Fine! But I’m only doing it because I want to, not because you want me to!” Frank throws the pot on the ground spilling the ‘soup’ on the floor before turning around and stomping out of the room. “It was just a prank bro!” A eerie silence fills the room as Frank slams the door behind him. “Sister” says Luna “who was that?” Celestia lets out a loud sigh and says “That was Filthy Frank, some garbage youtuber with a foal’s sense of humor who makes terrible videos” --- This is such bullshit Frank thinks to himself. How am I going to get home now? Frank kicks up a tuft of gravel as he exits the castle “Fuck this realm man; rainbows and shit, the old people here aren’t racist, no cocaine… This realm sucks” “Frank, this realm is not all what it seems” says a robotic voice “Oh shit!” says Frank as he quickly turns to face the mysterious voice “Overpriced Mac Computer?! Is that really you?” “Yes, Frank, it’s me” replies the seemingly normal looking MacBook Pro 13 sitting on top of a stool. “But… How is that possible? I threw you into the river, you’re dead. Like, what’s with this sudden resurrection shit?” “You must understand Frank This realm is not what is seems Time in this realm is merely subjective, with time moving erratically This, Frank, is why you see us. With time being subjective you can see your past, present, and possible future before you Everything in the past seems different to you because you remember it differently Everything in the present seems disorienting as if you never truly know where you are headed And the future always seems like something that’s both obvious and unexpected, something that you can control but it’s just always out of your reach This is what life is, Frank, it’s always, and will always be a gamble And in the game of life, the house always wins” “Wow, I forgot how much of a buzzkill you were Mac Computer” “Fuck you, Frank, you never listened to me when I was alive and now you’re going to disrespect me when I’m dead? You’re a piece of shit, I hope you choke on your own micro-penis when you try and give yourself a blow job because no woman will ever love you” “Hey! Screw you!” yells Frank as he pushes the Mac Computer off the stool causing it to hit the ground and smash into pieces. “What a cheap peice of shit” scoffs Frank “Wait… Hold on…” Frank bends over as he takes a closer look at the computer pieces before noticing the computer's CPU chip on the ground “Huh, well this isn’t exactly what I’m looking for… But it’ll get the portal working” Frank grabs the CPU chip and quickly stuffs it in his shirt pocket. “Wait!” Yells a voice in the distance “Uuuuuurgh! What now?” Just then, Twilight soars towards Frank, flying as fast as she could before landing a few inches away from Frank. “Stop right there!” Twilight yells as she jumps up in the air coming face to face with Frank “Shhhhhh! Let papa think of plan” Frank starts pacing back and forth in a ponderous thought. “Think… Of… A… Plan?!” shouts Twilight “Do you have any idea of all the trouble I had to go through just to find you! I had to run all over Ponyville to track you down! I had to talk to a crazy screaming man who vomited a Quesadilla at me! I had to…” “I got it!” “What?!” Frank quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out his iPhone and quickly started texting: ‘h3h3, Jontron, idubbbz, Maxmoefoe Hey boyo’s, I’m stuck in some faggot’s interpretation of Animal Farm and I need your help to get home. Meet me ASAP.’ “There, just sent out a text. The other meme lords should be here soon” “Wait!” Twilight interjects “So now there’s going to be more of… Um... You bunch!” “Look” Frank says as he leans down making eye contact with Twilight “I don’t want to be in this stupid as fuck dimension any longer than I have to be. It’s four hundred times gayer than any weeaboo I’ve ever met. You and all the rest of you pastel colored bitches can go to hell for all I care, I’m just going to head home. Now, are you going to help me or not?” “Wah?... Help you?” “Yes” “I… Uh… Eh… Ok...” --- Meanwhile Coco Pommel was just arriving home from work to her Manehattan apartment. As she approached the front door and opened it she couldn’t help but notice a rather large man with a short beard sitting on her couch fiddling with a strange handheld device with a screen on it. This man was the late, great, internet meme lord Jontron. “Come on! Come on!” grunted Jon as he rapidly hit the buttons on the device. “Gah!” he yelled as he tossed the device across the room. “Why is it every game I choose to review alway have to be so shit!” “Um…” says Coco Pommel “Who are you?” Jon quickly turned his head making eye contact with Coco Pommel “Oh my god! There’s a pony in my house!” *Bzzt* Jon reaches into his pocket as he withdraws a phone “Oh, gotta go!” “Wait but!...” “No time!” Jon blurts out as he goes to climb out the nearest window, but only succeeds to get himself stuck “Gah! Halp!” --- Meanwhile idubbbz just stepped off the train, he quickly looked around to take in his surroundings before noticing a pony wearing a cowboy hat and vest standing in front of him. “Welcome to AAAAAAA-pple-LOO-sa!” he said as he jumped up kicking his forelegs “What are ya, fuckin’ gay?” *Bzzt* idubbbz reaches into his pocket and withdraws his phone. “Hey, that’s pretty good!” --- Meanwhile “Yo fuck off!” yells Maxmoefoe “I can eat as many cherries as I…” he said before projectile vomiting mid sentence. “Ugh!... God…” “Gah!” says Cherry Jubilee “That just ain’t right” *Bzzt* Maxmoefoe reaches into his pocket as he withdraws his phone “Oh shit!” --- Meanwhile “...And when you combine a goof and a gaf, it becomes a laugh” says h3h3 “Fascinating” says Princess Cadence “And remind me again who this ‘DJ Khaled’ is?” “Well, you see DJ Khaled is more than just a living meme…” *Bzzt* h3h3 reaches into his pocket as he withdraws his phone “Oooooooooh shit boyo! The gang is getting together!” he says as he quickly makes his way to the door. “Ethan wait!” shouts Cadence “but how will I know what ‘memeing’ is” h3h3 coughs violently before responding “Just use the internet or something dude, h3h3 subreddit, check it out. Love you, love you guys, peace!”