Taking the Fast Travel station that just landed in Overlook, the entire party of Vault Hunters return to Sanctuary, the junior vault hunters worse for the wear as they all head for the Crimson Raider headquarters, ready to celebrate a victory... well, not all of them.
Mordecai just sighs, leaning on the table of the war room, Roland and Lilith chatting about their current situation.
Anthony just walks up to Mordecai and lays a hand on his shoulder. “Sorry man... I really thought Bloodwing would make it.”
Roland nods. “It really is a big loss, but us getting Sanctuary into the air and away from Jack’s mortar shots is a victory in itself. And you...” Roland turns to Anthony. “You knew that power core was rigged, you knew and that’s what you were warning us about.”
Anthony just slinks out of the war room and crashes on the couch, holding his head. “Yeah... but I was being vague just in case. Guess I should’ve just came out and said it.”
“No, no if Jack got wind of his entire plan with Wilhelm getting revealed we’d have to deal with his backup, which you probably didn’t know anything about.”
“Yeah... and I really thought I’d save Bloodwing...”
“You seem pretty torn up about losing her.” Lilith says curiously.
“Wait, what happened to Bloodwing?” Dash asks, confused. “Didn’t Anthony say he was... but then he met us outside saying he died...?”
“Blood wasn’t in the system. Animals don’t get to go in Jack’s system.” Mordecai says, sounding angry and depressed. “Hey vault hunters, I got a job for you.”
“Whatcha need?” Axton asks, looking like he’s already prepared to take on another swarm of Hyperion bots.
“Let me put it this way, amigo: Bloodwing's dead, Jack's nearly got the Vault open - I dunno about you, but I need a drink. Or, more like a lot of drinks. The Hodunks run rakk ale out of the Dust-”
“No need.” Anthony interrupts, getting up from the couch and heading over to the bank opposite him. He reaches in and hauls out one of the barrels of moonshine out from under a pile of guns and sets it down with a grunt on a side table.
Mordecai’s eyes widen behind his desert goggles. “Is that...?”
“Moonshine, right from the Hodunks’ Cara-Van. Anyone got a pair of mugs?”
“When the heck did you get that?” Gaige asks, shocked.
Anthony shrugs. “We raided the caravan while we were searching the old Dahlwell Oasis for loot and such. They had it on-board and I took the opportunity. After all, you know how grubby those hicks are with their booze.”
“Almost as bad as the Zafords.” Moxxi says over the ECHO. “Sorry sugar but I couldn’t help but overhear your good fortune, tell you what, you give the booze to me to sell at my bar I’ll give you my prized pistol Rubi.”
“Woahwoahwoah - Moxxi's giving you Rubi if you give her my booze? The friggin' -- That bimbo lost Rubi years ago and I found it! She wouldn't even have it if it weren’t for me! No no no. Give me the booze, and I'll give you one of my old sniper rifles!”
Anthony thinks for a moment but shakes his head. “Moxxi, Rubi would be a great addition to anyone’s arsenal...”
“Aww come on man!” Mordecai groans.
“But I’m not gonna break the bro code. Mordecai lost his best friend today, and that kind of man deserves a drink, no matter whatever better deal might be just down the street and around a corner.” Anthony is passed a couple of mugs and he fills them up, passing the first to Mordecai and keeping the second for himself. “To Bloodwing. Wherever she is, let’s hope she’s flying free... and tearing out some bandit’s eyes.”
“You said it, amigo.” Mordecai sighs and tips the mug to his lips as Anthony does the same.
“You boys aren’t seriously going to just get drunk and mope around are you?” Lilith asks cautiously.
“‘Fraid so.” Moxxi replies. “Did the same thing after he and I split up, poor kid.”
“Jack is still out there, I’d save the drinks for a celebration.” Lilith advises.
“I got a second barrel in there. I’m sure well have some left over for a celebration.” Anthony replies taking another drink. “Damn this is some strong stuff.” He blinks when he realizes he can feel it beginning to hit his system almost instantly, and remembers he can’t just access his star-form to burn it off, and hasn’t eaten today.
Moxxi is silent for a bit before reopening communications. “A second barrel you say? Well, like I said before, I’m generous to those who are generous to me.~”
Anthony just takes another swig of his drink and replies honestly. “I’ll think about it.”
Mordecai nods towards Anthony. “Hey... like I said, I’d give you one of my old snipers. Here, put it to use.” With that, Mordecai pulls out a Unique sniper rifle and passes it to Anthony who gladly accepts the gift.
“Finally something to permanently replace that white level two I was hauling around.”
“Man, you were using a level two this whole time?” Mordecai asks, continuing to nurse his drink.
“Couldn’t find another rifle.” Anthony replies, doing the same. “Had to borrow one for the fight to get back to Sanctuary. Thanks, by the way.” Anthony takes the spare sniper rifle and hands it to Zer0 who takes it back wordlessly.
Roland coughs and gets everyone’s attention. “We need a plan. Jack’s getting closer and closer to digging up the Warrior, and we still don’t know where he’s got the Vault Key stashed.”
Angel comes on the main screen of the war room’s table. <”I can help you with that.”>
“You?” Roland says, not shouting but still injecting a hot vein of anger into his voice. “Damnit, we told you never to contact us again!”
<”Will you please just hear me out-”>
Lilith rolls her eyes and interrupts with a mocking tone. “Sure, let’s listen to the crazy computer that just tried to kill us. Hey, remember the time she told us the Vault was full of loot?”
<”It’s with me! I’m charging the vault key!”>
Everyone pauses but Roland responds first. “Continue.”
<”The key naturally charges itself once every two-hundred years. Jack is patient, but not that patient. He’s been using my power to forcibly charge the key with Eridium. If you find me, you find the Vault Key. The Vault Key is housed in my AI Control Core atop Thousand Cuts. It’s protected by three impassable security hurdles.”>
Anthony just sighs and chugs the rest of his drink, already showing signs of being tipsy.
<”The first is a Competitor Deterrence Field that will obliterate any non-Hyperion entity passing through it.”>
“Competitor deterrence field?” Lilith asks. “What, like, a death wall?”
<”It is a field of pure thermosonic energy programmed to atomize any unauthorized personnel.”>
“So yeah.” Roland replies. “A death wall.”
<”Beyond that lies the second hurdle: a defense bunker outfitted with the most high-tech weaponry Hyperion can afford.”>
“That doesn’t sound good.” Roland notes.
<”Past the bunker, you’ll have to get through the final hurdle: a door that will only open for Handsome Jack.”>
Lilith folds her arms. “Well that sounds even worse.”
<”This will be your only opportunity to steal the Vault Key and stop Jack from controlling the Warrior. I’m out of time. Do what you will, but promise me this: no matter what happens, do not allow Lilith into my chambers.”>
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean!?” Lilith exclaims exasperatedly.
Roland attempts to placate his friend. “If she was luring us into a trap, she would have made it sound a little bit possible.”
“If we’re taking that bitch down, I’m coming. Trap or not!”
“You tell ‘im Lilly!” Anthony says, raising a nearly-empty mug to Lilith, now fairly plastered already, Anthony clearly having drunk his share much too fast.
The group just stares at Anthony and shrugs it off. “Anyway...” Roland says trying to get everyone back on track. “If anyone’s going to shut her down, it needs to be you guys. I think I know how to get past the first hurdle.”
Anthony just shakes his head. “If you mean upgrading that annoying pile of crap Claptrap, forget it.”
Roland gives the slightest hint of a scowl. “What? Why? Mordecai-”
“I kept all my data, including the Claptrap upgrade, on Bloodwing’s collar.” Mordecai informs.
“And said collar blew when I tried to get ‘er back from captain douchebag and his wack slag experiments.” Anthony adds. “Trust me, that thing is even more long-gone than Blood. I felt my skull crack taking that explosion.” Everyone in the room winces. “Yeah, sucked hard. Anyways, you still want to upgrade Clappy, you’ll need to get your hands on another upgrade, and that means raiding Hyperion for it.”
The group thinks it over in relative silence, before Roland leans in. “Go on, Anthony. You’ve proven you’re right so far... so let us hear it. What do you know about this AI Core, and how do you suggest we go in?”
Anthony looks around, realizing everyone, even the ponies are looking at him. Mordecai’s nursing his drink, but looking as intent as he can from behind his goggles.
“Well, I honestly don’t know how to get past the first hurdle... but getting past the second would be easy with the right kind of help.”
“And I know just the man for the job.” Roland says. “But there’s still the problem of the first hurdle.”
“Then we raid Hyperion for another claptrap upgrade. Might be hard with the line discontinued and all but heck, for all we know we just need some schematics and maybe Scooter or Gaige can fix him up.”
“Pfft, cake!” Gaige replies, offhandedly. “But yeah, I’d need some plans to know where to start. I don’t update Hyperion tech I... bastardize it.”
“There we go. Just need some plans.” Anthony says, swaying a bit.
“Hyperion info stockade.” Mordecai says. “If we’re looking for anything, it’ll be there. I admit that my info on the Vault key was crap, but then, I didn’t go in there and raid it directly. We might have more luck with a hands-on approach.”
“So, who’s going to get the Info Stockade job, and who’s going to get Roland’s help with the second hurdle?” Dash asks. “I mean, I suppose we did kinda win by messing up those slag experiments.”
“But only ‘kind of’. If Jack’s trying to open the Vault, there has to be something good in there.” Roland says, pausing for a moment to look at Anthony again. “By the way, do you have any good ideas on what, precisely, is in there? There’s all sorts of rumors, and most of them are conflicting. Getting an idea from our local... psychic would help.”
Anthony just stares at Roland with a semi-glassy look. “Anyone here played ‘Diablo’? ECHO sim from way back? Nah? Fine. Imagine this giant lava monster. Straight out of Hell. Like, fire-breath, skin made of rock, the whole shebang. The kind of thing that you expect to see when you’ve kicked one too many puppies and then getting offed for good. Bad news, right? Even worse, it swims in freaking lava.”
“Sounds like he’d be great at parties.” Gaige snarks, catching Pinkie’s attention.
“Wait, parties? that’s a great idea! I know exactly how to get us into the Stockade!” she says, grinning all around.
“What, gift-wrap a bomb to Jack and have it blow up in his face?” Anthony guesses. “Because I figured when we off him it’d be a bit more dramatic but if it works...”
“No, no, no... we make a giant cake, but hollow, and fill it full of Vault Hunters...” she starts, and everyone starts laughing.
“Pinkie... you sho- so crazy...” Anthony mumbles, giving Pinkie a hug and a light noogie. “But really, what’sh yer plan?”
“Th-that is my plan...” she says, looking sad, her ears drooping. Everyone’s laughing, except Roland and Lilith who are looking at each other.
“Actually, I think it could work.” Roland says, quietly but with the force of leadership behind his words. Everyone goes silent.
“If you say so Roland...” Mordecai says, a bit hesitant but going along with the plan. “If it even does end up going through the info stockade that is. Who knows where Jack sends his mail to be checked?”
“We could go undercover again!” Dash suggests. “Sure we lost Bloodwing, but other than that the mission went perfectly! We could sneak by again, right?”
Anthony just gives Dash a half-lidded thousand-yard stare.
“A-actually, I was thinking we send the cake to the people at the Stockade. Then, they bring us in, and we can pop out and surprise them! With, y’know, grenades and bullets.” Pinkie says.
“Works for me.” Salvador says, interested in the idea. “But who gets to eat the cake afterwards?”
“It’s cardboard, not a real cake.” Maya clarifies before pausing. “It is going to be cardboard... right?”
“You insult me!” Pinkie says, puffing up her chest and trying to look, well, insulted. Mostly, she just looks adorable. “I would never substitute a cake with cardboard, unless I’m giving it to someone who actually likes eating cardboard because then it’s what they want and not gross because it would be awful to get a cake and take a bite, and then you’re all ‘eww it’s just cardboard!’ and then I’d be sad because then everybody would think I’m terrible at baking and I have a reputation to maintain!” she heaves several breaths, everyone just sort of staring.
Finally Salvador ends the silence. “I love this pony!”
“Oh, do we get to call dibs on who gets what pony? Because I call dibs on the rainbow one!” Gaige yells, grappling Dash again. “I’m still gonna braid that hair of yours...” she whispers menacingly into Dash’s ear, “And it’s gonna be awesome!”
“So... here’s an idea.” Anthony says, still in his semi-drunken state, worrying everyone. “Me and the ponies, and anyone else who wants to come... get into the cake and take the Hyperion info stockade. The other group goes and gets Roland’s backup.”
The group talks it over for a few moments, before nods go around.
“I think there should only be one more going with the ponies.” Maya says, “And they should probably be small.”
Salvador and Gaige both scream ‘DIBS!’ before glaring at each other. “I’ll fucking duel ya, shortstack!” Gaige says, jabbing a finger towards Salvador, who growls before both of them are picked up and thrown out the window to the street by Maya’s Phaselock being angled for effect.
“Roshambo!” Anthony yells at the two of them and repeats himself. “Ro-sham-bo!”
Gaige and Salvador, were it anyone else, would likely ignore him but the idea of the test being of who can withstand the most kicks to the crotch is not easy to ignore for the... ‘plucky’ vault hunters.
The two begin to wildly, and with very little coordination, flail their legs at one another, Gaige only bearing the advantage of having longer legs making Salvador’s kicks hurt proportionally less... but they still hurt from their sheer force, Salvador’s kicks bearing far more force.
“Are they seriously listening to him? When he’s drunk?” Lilith asks more in confusion than anything else. “That’s a rhetorical question by the way. They clearly are, I’m just asking why they’re listening to him while he’s drunk.”
“Heh, lightweight can’t handle his own loot.” Mordecai chuckles as he takes another light pull of the moonshine.
“Sh- seriously tho’. Who’s going to go meet Roland’s buddy and who’s goin’ in the cake?”
“Judging by Gaige jump-kicking Salvador, it looks like she is. Robot leg for the win...” Axton says, leaning out to watch.
“Isn’t it just her arm?” Maya whispers to Lilith, who nods. “Huh.”
“Ah’right then. I’m going with the horses again!” Anthony says, still clearly beyond ‘tipsy’. “Sho, for the sake of lulz, I’m just gonna pretend I don’t know we’re headed to Thousand Cuts. Yo Roland, where we headed?”
“If this is him drunk, I’d hate to see him high. On anything.” Lilith mumbles.
“To bed, you’re standing at a seventy degree angle.” he says. Outside, Salvador gets Gaige into a headlock, having been taking the kicks to the face as a distraction.
“Roger dodger, man.” Anthony says, giving a sloppy salute. “Wake me up when Brick gets he- zzzzzzzzz”
“That is by far the most idiotic genius I have ever met.” Maya states, unaware that her statement exactly mimics one of Twilight’s reports about Anthony to Princess Celestia.
“Well, assuming his info is right, and it was previously... he’s either a psychic wonder or some kind of time-traveler.” Roland says.
“Time travel? Really? That’s what you’re going with?” Lilith asks.
“I’ve been reading comics and stories for years, Lilith.” Roland admonishes her. “And considering what we’ve seen out here, I’m not going to rule out someone from the future with future knowledge.”
“Yeah, but him? Sure he’s been right, but he’s passed out on the couch, drunk.” Axton says. “True he’s been helpful in fights but he’s not exactly what I’d call responsible and isn’t that supposed to be a rule to not mess with the past?” Everyone looks at him. “Why is it that everyone’s surprised military guys read books? I’ve read Wells’ works, they’re great for their time...”
Lilith shakes her head and sighs. “Either way, from the future or psychic, he’s been... helpful. And whatever his connection to us, there is a connection. I mean, I liked Blood, but even I’m not drinking my brain out like him and Mordecai.”
“Yeah, he must have known Bloodwing somehow, and I’ve never seen that bird leave Mordecai’s shoulder except to take out a bandit and fly right back.” Roland points out. “He has to have had some connection with Bloodwing at least... and he called Brick by name and even told us where he lived now... Only Jack and us really knows him as something other than the Slab King nowadays, right?” As he’s talking, Gaige sucker-punches Salvador in the nards with her robot arm, and reverses the headlock onto him.
“Yeah... He hasn’t caused any problems for us, has only been helpful, and seems to know us like something out of a documentary.” Mordecai says with a scoff, before all the senior vault hunters stop. “Oh, shit, I never thought about that. And who’d play me in a documentary?” he asks.
“More on that later. How he knows us isn’t helping us get the Vault Key, and we already know where it is. So, the first part will be Pinkie’s cake idea, with Gaige going with the ponies-”
“Yes! I win!” Gaige interrupts Roland, the girl racing up the stairs. “Hah!”
“As I was saying, the rest of you will be going to Thousand Cuts. Deliver this note to a bandit leader known as the Slab King... or as Anthony’s revealed, his real name is Brick. Just take that note to him. He owes me a favor and I’m calling it in for help with the bunker.”
“And... what about the door that only opens for Handsome Jack?”
“We’ll think of a workaround when it comes up. Mordecai... once you’re done with this round, I need you to go see what you can find about options. If nothing comes up by the time Anthony’s group hits the Stockade for real, we’ll ask if he can grab information on that. Otherwise, we’ll work things out based on what we find.”
Mordecai nods, going back to nursing his moonshine, fifth mug of the evening and now stuck as his last... but he needs to do something right now, or he’d just fall into the bottom of the barrel.
“Alright. Let’s get moving then.” Axton takes the note, which reads ‘IOU One world saved -B’ and the group of Vault Hunters, minus Gaige and the ponies heads off.
“I guess we let this guy sleep while Pinkie and Gaige work on that cake, then.” Lilith says. “Hey Dash, you know any card games?”
“Oh, not really... you’ll hafta teach me.” she says, smiling guilelessly.
----- (/\) -----
Sixteen thousand dollars fleeced off the veteran vault hunters and four hours later, Dash is happily greeting a groggy Anthony, who is suffering his first ever real hangover. Everything is too bright, everything is too loud, and everything is too shaky.
Anthony manages to stumble his way to Moxxi’s and orders some water. “I was afraid you were here for some hair of the dog, sugar. You look pretty messed up.”
“Yeah... still, wanting to buy me off and deny a guy a drink over his best friend’s death? That’s a bit low, y’know... ugh and stop the bar from spinning.”
Moxxi laughs. “Ha, can’t do much about that... other than give you some nice, starchy pizza and let you get over it in time. Here, have a glass of Faux-range juice. It’s Tediore, but it’s the best I have that isn’t more booze.” she says, sliding over a glass of liquid so orange it’s actually glowing.
Anthony takes a big gulp and the aftertaste gets caught in his throat. “That is not Orange juice...” He notes.
“Didn’t say it was, sugar.”
“But you said... ugh, damn hangover. Is this what it’s like for everyone?”
“Oh, everyone’s first time is different... be thankful you can sit this morning~”
“Yeah yeah, I’ll take that pizza though...” Anthony slurs, shaking his head vigorously.
Moxxi just laughs again, and heads into the back to grab a box of the carb-filled pizza.
Anthony is very slowly recovering his stable vision though the shock of the Faux-range juice just made the headache worse, mostly due to the unexpectedness of the drink.
He looks around and sees Sir Hammerlock in the corner at a table. ‘I could go for an easy monster-hunting job... later’ Anthony thinks to himself. ‘Shoot some bullymongs, get paid. I do have that new sniper... sure, later.’
Another wave of his headache later and Anthony is facefirst in the pizza brought to him. It at least tastes decent enough and the smell is starting to work it’s way into his head, though this mainly serves to fog it up more.
“Don’t be too eager there sugar.” Moxxi warns with a smile. “Take it nice and slow. You’ll get farther.~”
“You’re just gonna keep trying until you finally get me to sport a random boner, aren’t you?”
Moxi just sighs, but grins. “Enjoy your pizza, hun.” She turns and saunters away, giving him an eyeful of her rear as she sashays.
“Okay, yeah, that’ll do it.” Anthony mumbles as he begins eating, the hangover not yet done with him yet.
----- (/\) -----
“Wait, how do we get in the cake without baking ourselves?” Rainbow Dash asks as Pinkie puts the cake layers into the oven, a monstrous machine put together by Scooter and Crazy Earl (though mostly Scooter) and built to heat the entire inside evenly, in spite of the material constraints and the laws of thermodynamics.
“You’ll see Dashie.” Pinkie says happily as she sets the oven, the device giving a cheerful ‘ding!’ to indicate it’s set and preheating.
Rainbow Dash is in the corner while Gaige is furiously looking through her backpack. “I know I put a hairbrush in here somewhere!”
Dash trots up to Pinkie “Do you think Anthony was serious when he said she could come back to Ponyville with us?”
“Idunno... it’d sure make her happy though!” she replies, working on her batch of icing.
“Yeah... it would. But I’ve been thinking. Maybe you wanna stay here a bit longer? You know, even after Jack is gone?”
“I don’t see why not.” Pinkie replies. “Sure I wouldn’t mind going home but once that meanie is done, we won’t have any problems figuring out a way back home, right?”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. So we’re just going to get in the cake and send ourselves to this Stockade place? Then what?”
<“I can help you.”> Angel suggests, the statement more of a question. <”If you still trust me that is.”>
Anthony, hearing the conversation over the ECHO, adds his two cents from the bar, mouthful of pizza muffling him only slightly. “Well, let’s see: Sche lowered Sanctuary’s shields and killed several innocent residents of Sanctuary...”
<”B- but that was Jack...”>
“And he couldn’t have done it wiffout you.”
<”And I got you back to Sanctuary and it’s safe now... right?”>
“Th’s cleaning up a mess you made, not being helpful. But fine. I’ll give her another chance. But Angel... you get my friends killed out there, for real, I’m telling everyone who you really are. And why Jack has you around his finger.”
<“... Fine. That does seem...”> she pauses for a moment. <“Reasonable. Please... I just want to help, and if you know... then you also know why I can’t disobey him directly.”> she says, which Anthony has to concede.
“Yeah. And I won’t try to keep Lilith out. She’s too hot-headed. She’d just Phasewalk out of any form of restraint and come by anyway. So... just plan on her being there, no matter how much of an upper-hand Jack could get.”
<“You’re sure she won’t stay back?”> Angel says, pausing again. <“Ah, you should probably move to a different table, by the way. I’m directly talking to you. I didn’t want others, uhm, hearing about me.”>
“Fair enough.” Anthony says, moving to a booth by the back exit of the bar. “So, let’s start with what I know, and how I know it later. It might be a bit hard to swallow. Step one, I know about the 4N631 satellite above Pandora. That’s how you ‘see’ everything from your Control Core.”
<“... Alright. What else?”>
“I’ve dropped hints, but not enough for others to piece together, but I know you’re Jack’s daughter.” Anthony looks around but the only people here aside from Moxxi and Hammerlock are busy with a dart game and not listening to the whispers of the young man who walked in hungover like no tomorrow. “And he controls you with a sort of high-tech obedience collar. You’re a siren and he’s using you to charge the Key.”
<“Also true. And the collar hurts, I just want to let you know that.”>
“Trust me, I am one-hundred and ten percent against the idea of forcing others to do things against their will. If the chance arises, I’m going to get you out of that chamber... with you alive.”
<“I... I don’t know that’s possible, but I hope it is. Anything else you know? Maybe something useful to me, or something?”> Angel asks, sounding hopeful.
“Yeah.” Anthony says, swallowing his words several times before arranging them in a decent manner. “He’s twisted. He’s insane and psychotic... but your dad loves you. More than anything else. He really does.”
A few moments pass, then a sound like someone choking. It takes several seconds for Anthony to realize it’s Angel crying.
“Yeah, if they kill you... he’s going to kill one of us. Personally. That coward you call a father will come down and personally murder Roland and admit that once you’re gone he’ll have nothing left to lose. He needs to be taken down... but the man who raised you until you lost your mother still exists... somewhere in there.”
< “Oh god... I- I don’t...”> she trails off, still crying, her surety in the need for Jack’s death broken in four words.
“I’m going to get you out of there Angel, I’ll end your slavery, but know that whether you die or not, Jack will personally come after us. Rescind the bounty on our heads simply so he doesn’t lose the chance to kill us for hurting you. But again, I’ll get you out alive if I can... I just need to figure out how.”
<“I hope you do...”> Angel whispers, unseen tears on her face.
“Yeah, now I gotta get going. My group needs me.” Angel doesn’t answer, instead, turning to look at something important, in the shadows of the AI Core.
----- (/\) -----
“This is delicious Pinkie.” Anthony says, tasting the cake.
“Thanks!”
“Hey, keep quiet, and don’t eat our cover!” Dash hisses.
“At least until it’s time for the surprise.” Pinkie agrees, smiling.
“By the way, Anthony, I might be in your lap, but I’m only thir-, uh, fourteen. And I have a robot arm. I’m off limits unless you date me first, is what I’m saying.”
“Gaige, I assure you, if you feel a lump, it’s my grenade mod for sur- ow! What was that for?”
“I am pretty sexy and you know it, don’t play coy.”
“Who’s playing- ow stop that!”
“Quiet!” Dash hisses again.
From outside the cake, the four hear a voice. “Guys! It’s an appreciation cake!”
“This better work.” Dash mutters.
“Man, who’d appreciate us? This is literally the worst job aside from playing bandit this entire planet has to offer.”
“It says it’s from... Pinkie Pie? Who the hell is that?”
“Idunno, but that’s buttercream frosting. Whoever made this must have put a fortune inta this thing!”
“How the hell do you know what buttercream is?”
“I’m gonna cream both of ‘em if they don’t take us in soon!” Dash whispers, getting impatient.
“Seconded.” Anthony says.
“Dude, it’s a three-layer cake, on Pandora.” a voice says.
“Shit, they’ve figured us out!” Gaige whispers.
“We can just shoot anyone who tries to take it from us, so let’s get it inside before a skag ruins it!” the voice continues, to a chorus of agreements.
“See?” Pinkie whispers. “Everypony loves cake!”
The two bewildered humans and Dash feel the cake get lifted and brought inside.
“Alright, guys, let’s be careful about cutting it, we wanna keep it fair. Now that it’s in the breakroom, past all the defenses, we’re going to have to share it with everyone. Just don’t tell the security crews, though, they’ll just confiscate it and keep it for themselves.” a chorus of agreements meets the words of the leader, and the three occupants of the cake get ready to burst out.
“Wait a sec, where’s Pinkie?” Anthony asks, realizing the party pony’s absence right before he hears ‘Surprise!’ get yelled by said pony, followed by a sudden boom and a lot of screaming.
Then, silence. Anthony bursts out of the cake, pistol loaded only to find the silence was due to everyone being dead, the entire breakroom decorated like a surprise party while Pinkie puts away her party cannon, the Hyperion Engineers and faculty laying on the ground, dead, shrapnel and candies lodged in them, several being literally hung from the ceiling by a streamer.
“Damn Pinkie. You sure got them...” Anthony says, helping Gaige out of the cake, the girl looking around.
“Omigosh, blood, cake, bullets and balloons! Most awesome party I’ve ever been to!” the fangirl squeals, making Anthony clutch his still slightly-hungover head.
“Tone it down. We’re undercover remember?”
“Nah, they gathered everyone in here, even Mike and Randy from the accounting department!” Pinkie reassures him, though her uncanny knowledge of their names and jobs does little to quell the little tremor of worry that goes through him.
“So Angel, where we headed from here?”
<“Actually, since your plan bypassed literally every form of security in this place, you can take a right and follow the hall until you see the sign saying ‘data core backup three’ and just extract from there. Far easier than going to the main core and raiding that... although, this one will set off alarms when you try to download from it, so be prepared to fight your way out.”>
“Gotcha. Thanks Angel. Ah damnit! I forgot, we still have crappy shields!”
<“Actually, I can fix that for one of you, at least. Turn left into the next door; also, I’m in the security cameras, if you hadn’t guessed. In the room there, there should be a new shield, experimental again, but far more powerful than normal. Hyperion doesn’t have any good shield tech, really, but this... this one might put Pangolin out of business if it goes anywhere. Set fire to the computer on your way out.”> she advises.
“Gotcha.” Anthony says, ending communications. “Left first. Dash, I suggest you take the shield. Gaige, you and Pinkie head for the backup room. We’ll catch up.”
“But I wanna go with-”
Anthony cuts off the party pony. “Fine, Pinkie, let’s go. They’ll get back to us soon.”
“Yes!” Gaige yells, glomping Rainbow Dash.
“Uh, can we do this after we’re not behind enemy lines?”
“To be fair...” Anthony begins.
“Don’t you finish that sentence. Seriously, that robo-arm is starting to leave grease stains on my neck line.”
“Sorry! But does that mean you’re mine if I mark you-”
“No!”
Anthony sighs. “Shield, remember? Go get it and meet us at the backup room. And keep your guns loaded, Gaige, don’t be afraid to let Deathtrap go wild, but try not to roast Rainbow Dash, we still need her.”
“I would never hurt her!” Gaige replies indignantly. “Besides, Deathtrap has excellent aim.”
“Alright alright, let’s get going. Though we may need help as soon as possible. So make it quick.”
Gaige groans. “Ugh, you sound like Axton but less gruff.”
“I haven’t hit ‘second puberty’ yet.” Anthony says. “Guys don’t sound like that until they’ve been through military.”
“Guys call it ‘second-puberty’?” Dash looks at Anthony weirdly.
“Well I call it that- focus! We have a job, now let’s get that shield and the Claptrap upgrade data.”
“Fine, fine.” The party heads down the hall before splitting up and getting to their respective locations at mostly the same time.
Anthony gets to the room and pauses before opening it, readying his Jakobs for a headshot just in case there was a straggler in the building who was allergic to frosting and didn’t join in on the cake.
Thankfully the room is empty save for some server banks and multiple computer towers and a main access point with holographic-projection screen. The stuff was admittedly a lot more high-tech than Anthony was used to, the only device he could figure out was the keyboard. This was why he originally had Gaige going here instead of him. She was more likely to understand what she was doing.
Going off the general basics, Anthony pulls up the operating system’s basic Run Program function and searches for CL4P-TP with the keyword ‘Upgrade’
Surprisingly, there’s no catches or anything, likely because Anthony was in the unlabeled backup room in the unlabeled third core backup, though he only finds three results... one of which looks suspiciously and frighteningly like a more militarized and coherent version of the Deathtrap ‘bot Gaige designed. And according to the data, it’ll be prepped and rolling out, made from the decommissioned Claptrap units, in a matter of months. Oh, and he found the upgrade info he actually needed.
“What the heck? They stole my design!?” Gaige yells, scaring the crap out of Anthony.
“Jeez Gaige, a little warning?!” Anthony snaps.
She mostly ignores him, going as far as to push him out of the way and finding the information on the Deathtrap fakes.
“Ohmigosh, these’re all ideas I already had! That is sadness! I just never got around to using them because I didn’t have the parts I needed. Stupid Hyperion. How ya gonna like it when I wipe your drives?”
“Don’t forget the upgrade...” Anthony reminds her.
“Yeah, and we are totally taking these Deathtrap designs too. If I can’t make my robot the best, I’m gonna steal their work so they can’t make it either.”
“Fair enough. You did make it, you probably should have put a patent on it though.”
“Yeah, but I wasn’t old enough to hold a patent and my family is in it deep for Deathrap’s little ‘accident’ at the science fair. So when we’re done here, I’m gonna find the other backup rooms and trash their files there as well.”
Anthony rubs his temple. “Gaige, did you not hear Angel? As soon as we start deleting or taking out files, an alarm is going to go off!”
“So we’ll have to move fast then.” Gaige says, missing the point.
<“Uh, actually, they’re in separate structures. Each of the data banks are physically separated to prevent, well, exactly that sort of event. Sorry.”> She stops for a moment, and just before Gaige gives a furious argument back, Angel gives a further explanation. <“However, I happen to be able to force an update from one backup core to another... so if you remove the Deathtrap data here, it’ll remove itself from the others over the next two days. Does that work for you?”>
Gaige looks stunned, then a maniacal grin spreads across her face as she literally jumps for joy. “Yes! Jack isn’t gonna get my ‘bot! And that means once I’m old enough to pay off my bounty, I can put a patent on Deathtrap, give them half-decent designs, and make a killing, still keeping the best stuff for myself! You guys rock!”
For the first time, Gaige appears to be a totally normal fourteen-year-old having a ‘best day ever!’ moment and Anthony gives in and smiles along with her. “Yeah, let’s get going then. And as soon as those alarms go off, expect a firefight of huge proportions.”
<“Mostly on the way out... and I’ll only be able to delay the neurotoxin release in the computer bank itse- oh, shoot, I forgot to mention that part earlier!”>
“You forgot to mention deadly neurotoxin?” Anthony says, facepalming. “Brilliant. Gaige, get the Claptrap upgrade and we can deal with the Hyperion Deathtrap line later.”
“How much later?” Gaige asks, looking rather disappointed.
Anthony sighs again. “We can come back tomorrow or something after Angel has had a chance to vent out the neurotoxin.”
<“Just put in a data chip, download both from the complex multi-layer crystal computing system, and run. I mean, jeez, it’s only a couple terabytes of data!”> Angel says in exasperation, and while Anthony is still mildly confused, Gaige also gives a sigh of relief.
“Alright, give me... a minute.” Gaige says, pulling out a chip and rapidly typing away on the keyboard, when a warning alarm goes off and the computer screen goes red. “Okay... a minute and a half, tops.”
“Okay, we’ll cover you, then we all jet outta here, ‘kay?” Dash says, pulling her weapon up and looking at the one door to the room.
Anthony nods. “Alright... hope that shield works. If so, you’re gonna be at the front Dash. I’ve no idea what sort of firepower Hyperion has on the insides of these places.”
Yelling voices come down the hall, many shouts of ‘Bandits!’ are tossed around.
“Mostly man-power then, this I can do.” Anthony replies relaxing before the door is blasted open and a veritable ocean of fully-armored combat engineers and Hyperion soldiers flood the hallway, reducing his self-assuredness to almost nothing. “Fuck. Gaige, we’ll need some help here.”
“Gimme a minute ‘kay!?” Gaige yells back, summoning Deathtrap to aid Anthony and the ponies. “Go break some heads, Deathtrap! It’s like finals all over again, jeez...”
Anthony questions what ‘finals’ involved when a bullet breezes by his head and he ducks, narrowly avoiding several more. “They’ve got armor, use corrosive!” He shouts.
The guards, realizing they were dealing with Vault Hunters and not typical bandits, regroup and call in more reinforcements. “Get the Stealth Ops in here, now!”
“Wait, what the hell? What’re you three- four doing in my backup servers?!” Jack’s voice calls over their ECHOs, making Gaige groan angrily at the distraction.
“Can’t you tell Jack?” Anthony says, firing into the crowd with his plasma caster. “We’re fucking you over. Big time.”
“Say goodbye to your shitty deathbots!” Gaige yells as she gets closer to finishing. “Nobody gets better bots than mine!”
As if to accentuate the point, Deathtrap sends a laser blast through the crowd of engineers.
“This is easy!” Dash exclaims, happily, taking out some armored security of her own. “This bottleneck is perfect!”
As if to disappoint her in particular, several engineers tear out walls using their mech suits, creating a larger doorway.
“Dashie!” Pinkie yells unhappily.
“Remember guys, they’re smarter than bandits!” Anthony reminds them. “Don’t brag about an advantage if you can lose it.”
“Fine, fine! Jeez! How was I supposed to know they could even do that?” she asks, muttering to herself.
“Alright, I got the data, now let’s get gone!” Gaige yells, turning around and unloading all four barrels of a Torgue-barreled shotgun into an approaching engineer’s face, and beginning to lead the charge out, being almost level 20 at this point and far better equipped than Anthony or the ponies.
“Angel, how much time we got before the Neurotoxin?”
<“I’ll put a display on your ECHOs.”> she says, and a little countdown timer shows in the center of their visions, flashing red every time another ten-second interval passes.
It’s a very short timer, Anthony notes, as Rainbow Dash uses her Rainboom to propel herself forward, following close after Gaige. As well, he notices that none of the engineers nor technicians are wearing face masks, and a few are starting to cough, or twitch spasmodically mid-combat.
“Gaige, I hope you have a ton of Anarchy on you...” Anthony says. “How many stacks you at?”
“Not enough!” she screams, firing her shotgun and hitting someone directly next to her instead of where she was pointing.
Anthony hopes most of the shots find purchase in their heads through the ricochet but decides to worry about himself. Gaige seems to be doing well enough. That said, he could help her gain more faster...
Dash, meanwhile, is firing on the move, rarely stopping long enough to aim, simply unloading clips at the hapless techs and engineers, many of whom spin away with cries of pain, and she’s blazing the trail out almost as well as Gaige is, with Pinkie bringing up a fighting rearguard.
“Anthony, I’m running out of bullets!” the party pony cries, looking genuinely unhappy, “There won’t be enough to go around for everybody!”
Anthony curses and turns back to aim his Sloth at a few engineers in the distance, their lack of helmets making easy kills. “Hope your Party Cannon can dish out enough candy to get us through, they aren’t giving us a chance to pick up ammo.”
“Alright!” she yells back, stopping only to pivot and fire in the direction they’re going, sending the candies bouncing off the walls into places the group can grab them. A chocolate bar bounces off Anthony’s head, landing in his -slightly stunned- hands. It has a tag, just like the others, too.
Anthony had never seen a chocolate bar on Pandora before... he hoped it did something good. He takes a bite and trains his Plasma Caster at an oncoming engineer.
He goes to pull the trigger, and feels a strange sensation, like he’s experiencing deja vu, minus actually feeling like he’s done it before. It’s more like he’s doing it twice. And sure enough, twin Plasma bolts race down the hallway at relatively normal speeds for them, side by side, the two hitting independently and splashing his target with acid.
Taking a brief second to check his ammo count he notes that he fired two shots at once. Costing the same as a normal shot. This wasn’t the blue raspberry Ammunition regen effect but it certainly was a decent proxy, giving him a good discounted multi-shot. “Got any more of that chocolate?”
“Idunno! I just threw candy in with the razor blades! I’m just glad it didn’t ruin the blades!” she calls back.
‘I am definitely checking all the candy in the future.’
“Well next bar we get goes to Gaige, this stuff should help boost her kill count without making her magazine smaller!”
“Uh, small magazines are my thing, Noob. The more I reload the more Anarchy I get.”
As if to prove his point, Gaige gets shot in the leg while she was busy reloading.
“We don’t need more Anarchy right now, we need more Dakka.”
“Give it to me then!” Dash yells, complaining at being seemingly forgotten.
Gaige, ignoring the two, notices a green candy, and the note on it, shovelling it into her mouth and crunching down on the rock-hard candy. “Mush be’er.” she mumbles, standing up once more.
“My point being that Gaige has way better gear, and the more bullets she can put into these guys, the better off we are.” The timer for the neurotoxin ticks down another ten seconds, flashing red. “We need to get out of here fast!”
<“Good news, everybody!”> Angel’s voice comes over the ECHOs. <“I found that the easiest method for deactivating the neurotoxin is simply to go outside; the air in here is nothing but oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and the neurotoxin compound. It breaks down in a normal atmosphere almost instantly, so just get outside and you’ll be fine!”> The four Vault hunters nod at the information, Anthony getting an idea.
“Anyone got some explosives on them?”
“I’ve got some sticky Torgue grenades.” Gaige yells over her shoulder, bloody spittle flying everywhere as the last of the green candy dissolves, and her gums and teeth knit anew. “Where ya need ‘em?”
“Mirvs? Perfect! Toss ‘em behind us, blow a hole in the walls. We’ll bust our way out!”
“Aren’t we a little close to the wall, though?” Gaige asks, for once listening to her survival instinct.
“Just don’t look, and wear your coolest shades!” Pinkie responds, slipping her own down, Dash and Anthony doing the same.
“Eh, alright.” she says with a shrug, tossing the grenade behind her and pulling down her own goggles, tapping the side to make them tint themselves.
Anthony just grabs Gaige and Sparks up to dash forward. “Rainbow, get Pinkie and dash out of here. Those grenades aren’t gonna wait for long.”
“You got i-” BOOM-boom-boom! The three-part Bonus Package explosions blow out the wall, the explosion rippling partly away from the four, though it’s still hot and painful, and Dash and Anthony jerk back as hard as they can, launching themselves out of the still-flaming hole a scant second after the explosion.
That’s when they realized they had basically just launched themselves off a bit of a cliff, and had about a hundred feet to fall.
Don’t look at me like that, they survive, I promise.