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// Tod und Entdeckung 
// Story: Ein Deutsher in das Land der Pony 
// by ZyklonBen 
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Hans’ head ached like mad. He felt sore all over, and his joints were creaking. Other than bruises and pain, however, he was completely fine physically. Mentally, he was even better. He felt strangely calm, albeit scared as well. When he looked around in his surroundings, his fear took over his calm state. Hans was in an unfamiliar, oddly bright coloured field in the middle of nowhere. Judging by what he could see, a mountain range, grassy hills, and what looked like a forest, he thought he must have died and gone to some sort of purgatory. That idea was quickly pushed out of his mind when he realised he was still able to feel pain and could not hold his breath because of the lack of air. He was still alive.
Hans decided to head to the forest, where he was most likely to find food. Upon taking his first few steps, he noticed a scar on his side. It looked about 15cm long. It stung a lot. Hans hoped he could find some people somewhere to give him some medicine. That hope turned out to be not that far-fetched, as when he got closer to the forest, he realised it was a large apple orchard rather than a simple forest. Hans screamed in delight. He ran as fast as he could to the trees, and took an apple down. It was a very good apple, plump and moist. Hans began to walk around the orchard, marveling at just how large it was. He also thought he could see a barn and a farmhouse on the horizon. It looked like American architecture. Hans payed that no mind however, as he started his trek towards the barn.
After about two minutes of walking, Hans heard trotting up ahead. “Good” he thought, “Someone must be working the horses. He can probably get me to the farmhouse and possibly a nearby town”. The trotting steadily getting louder, Hans turned around for one last apple. The trotting suddenly stopped, with someone in a Southern American accent saying “And who are you? What are you? Why are you in my farm?”. Hans sighed, he hated those accents. He was fluent in English, his parents made him learn it from a young age, and those American accents annoyed the crap out of him, as one of his English teachers had it, and he was not a smart or kind man. Hans, before turning around, said “I am sorry, my friend. I am lost and need medical help, may you assist me?”
“What even ARE you?” said the feminine voice behind Hans, confusing him.
“Ich bin...I am a German. I desperately need help. I have wounds”.
“We can get you help, Ajermaan. That’s a silly name, by the way. You talk funny too. Turn around and show your face”.
With a sigh, Hans turned around. He was not greeted with a human at all, much less an American. He was greeted with a 4-foot-tall orange horse, that only highlighted the bright colours of the world he was in. Hans noticed the large eyes, blond hair, and hat. Hans, dazed, asked “What the hell…” before the horse spoke.
It fucking spoke.
Hans didn’t even hear what it said, he just opened his eyes as far as they could go, and screamed. He screamed and did not stop. He could not stop. He would not stop. The horse was taken aback by this, and tried to calm Hans, to no avail, as Hans attempted to hit her off, the horse hit him in the head violently, knocking him out. Han’s helmet was just about the only thing that stopped the hit from giving him brain damage. The horse dragged him to the barn, and ran off to get help from her friends.
***
Hans woke up in a barn, all alone. He wasn’t wearing his uniform or helmet, and seemed to only be wearing bandages, covering his whole body other than his head. His body was still a little sore, but he was more so in shock. That had to have been a hallucination, right? Just as Hans thought that question, he was proven wrong. Hans whimpered when a bright yellow horse about 2 feet tall hopped into his line of sight. The horse seemed oddly happy, which only served to terrify Hans more. She also had the stupid fucking accent.
“Hey silly! You’re awake!” the horse said, continuing to hop.
“Where am I? What are you?” questioned Hans.
“Why, I’m a pony, silly! You should know that, considering we live here. Are you from…” the pony stopped.
“I am from Rostock, Germany. I’m not from here”.
“The everfree forest!?”.
“No. I just said I was from Rostock. It’s in Deutschland. Germany. Mightiest nation in all the land?”
“That’s ridiculous. We are the mightiest in the world. Applebloom, go to your room” said a purple pony walking through the door. Hans began to hyperventilate as he noticed the pony had wings and a horn. He managed to calm himself a few seconds later
“Awww!” said the yellow pony, apparently named “Applebloom”.
“Please tell me what’s going on” said Hans.
“I’d like to know your answer first, mister. Here’s the deal. I’ll answer a question for every question of mine you answer. I am able to detect lies, by the way. So don’t try anything” said the purple pony.
“Fine. What are they?”
“Here’s three to start. Who are you? Where are you from? Why are you here?”
“I told your friend where I’m from. Rostock, Germany. I am Obersoldat Hans Fischer, with the Waffen-SS. I don’t know why I’m here. I got lost in a cave and woke up outside the apfel orchard”
The purple pony got a confused look on her face, as she could tell that all of his answers were true. She had never heard of a place called Germany, much less the city of Rostock within it. She could understand then, why he was scared of the ponies. He must have never seen them before.
“Now answer my three,” Hans said, “Who are all of you? Where am I? Where are my clothes?”
The purple horse replied with “I’ll happily introduce you to my friends. I hope you can join their ranks someday! This is Applejack, I am Twilight Sparkle, and the young one you saw earlier was named Applebloom. I have more, we should go meet them!” said the purple horse, Twilight.
“I will do that when you answer my other questions”.
“Ugh, you’re in Sweet Apple Acres, just outside Ponyville. Your clothes are over there. Put them on and let’s go.”
Hans did as he was told, though the answer to where they were seemed unhelpful to him. He was going to figure it out soon anyways. Twilight took him to see her other friends while Applejack stayed behind to look after the orchard. They headed into town, which seemed dead. Twilight said it was because it was early, but it was 8:00 in the morning. They came across a few ponies, but the ignored them for the most part. Then Twilight pointed to a pink one, and they approached. Twilight introduced them, and after taking one look at Hans, the pink pony screamed and darted away. Hans, confused enough already, was on the verge of breaking down from his own madness that must be causing this. Twilight explained to Hans that she was named Pinkie Pie, and he’d get to know her better that night. She always had a surprise for newcomers. Hans really did not care for that at all.
They next headed for a field, but Twilight stopped and pointed a low, fluffy cloud right above them. Twilight told Hans that she didn’t expect to see her so early. Hans seriously considered pulling out his lüger and just shooting Twilight and himself. Twilight called up to the cloud, causing a bright blue pony pop out from the cloud, that said “Yeah?”. It’s mane was rainbow coloured. Hans had seen enough weird shit that day to make him simply shrug at this. The blue pony, who Twilight explained was named “Rainbow Dash”, took one look at Hans and darted towards him, seeing him as some sort of threat. As he saw her get closer to him, Hans attempted to pull out his MP40, but was far too slow. Rainbow dash tackled him, and was able to pin him down somehow. If Hans wasn’t weakened from his ordeal this far, he probably would have been able to break out. Rainbow Dash asked Twilight who Hans was, and Twilight explained. Rainbow Dash got off and apologised. This, of course, did not matter to Hans, as he quickly grabbed his rifle and aimed it at Rainbow. She was clearly frightened, but Twilight simply looked puzzled.
“What in Equestria is that?” she asked.
“It’s a Maschinenpistole 40 submachine gun. It will pierce your friend’s skin for daring to attack me” answered Hans.
Saying that was quite the mistake, as Twilight was able to use magic to knock the weapon out of Hans’ hands. She told him that for saying that, he’s have to see the princess.
“Over my dead body. I’m not going anywhere with du” said hans, as he tried to turn and run. Twilight sighed and used magic to restrain him, as Rainbow Dash flew into town, obtained rope, and tied Hans up. He constantly swore and threatened them in German, but both ponies ignored it. She called her friends to meet her at the train station, where they would board a train to the capital, Canterlot.
***
Hans was forced to sit down next to Twilight, under her constant supervision. His weapons were not with him anymore, but with Twilight. She was holding them until the princess could see them and confirm or deny that they are dangerous. Hans continued to swear under his breath, but everyone ignored him. An hour into the journey, Twilight said that Hans should meet the last two ponies she was going to introduce him to before his little episode. The white pony sitting across from him was unfamiliar, and she sounded oddly French and British put together. A mongrel of the two, if you will. Hans refused to speak to her, but he learned her name was Rarity and that she was sort of a bitch. The last one, every other pony had to comically push into the compartment Hans was sitting in. She was bright yellow with a pink mane. The yellow pony was eventually pushed in, and locked into the compartment, where she spent the first few seconds of the encounter pounding on the door. Twilight eventually told her to stop, and she did. She was still clearly on edge, something Hans would use to his advantage. He’d seen plenty of interrogations during his service, so he had an idea of how to break people with words. He wasn’t sure if it would have the same effect with him tied up, however.
The yellow pony was named Fluttershy, a name she very well deserved. She only spoke in timid and short sentences, Hans told her his name, and started talking her down, in a way that would not easily give hint to the other ponies in the car that he was threatening her. If anything, everybody was surprised he was speaking this much at all, much less to the pony that spoke the least.
“Fluttershy, eh? That is a good name. Do you want to know mine?”Hans said.
“S...sure” Fluttershy responded.
“Mien name is...My name is Hans Fischer. Do you want to know a secret?”
Applejack told others that she didn’t trust him at all. Hans told her that his name was Ajermaan, Obersoldat, and now Hansfisha. Twilight said the she agreed, that is weird.
“Even if you don’t want to know, here it is anyways. I am not from here. I am from a place called…” Hans had to think of something threatening, something he thought these ponies would hate. He recalled Applebloom’s fear of something called ‘Everfree’.
“I am from Everfree. Have you heard of it?”
“Y...yes…” Fluttershy said, clearly frightened.
“It is a marvelous city. Truly, it is. It gets a bad reputation around here, but I am not sure why”.
Twilight stepped in, ruining Hans’ plans. She seemed panicked, and asked where there was a city in the Everfree Forest. Hans realised his mistake, he meant to say that is where he was from, a forest, but it was too late now.
“It is in the exact centre of the forest, concealed by the many trees. Have you really never heard of it?” said Hans.
“You’ve never heard of us ponies, how could have heard of you?”
Fuck. That was one major plot hole that Hans had forgotten. Hans had brought himself into so much bullshit that now he just looked like an idiot. He couldn’t say he lied earlier, it was quite obvious that he wasn’t. He just decided to spout out random crap in German. This caused Twilight to realise his lies, so she gagged him, rendering Hans unable to speak. He rode the last few hours of the train ride in silence, very unhappy with his situation. When they arrived, the ponies forced him to walk over to the gates, where he saw several ponies, unlike Ponyville. Han noticed that they all looked fearful of him. He was brought to a hotel, where he was left in a locked hotel room. Twilight told him to stay put, she would be back soon with the princess to speak with him. Hans sighed, and laid down on the bed in the room to get some sleep.