The Great Wyrm snarled at me, "You come here asking for the key, and you have not so much as located the vault?"
I sighed. I could feel the smoke from her breath flowing through the holes in my legs, chafing at my chiton.
This was my worst life.
"Mistress, I only seek to serve you better." I pleaded, "The princess has been pleased with my harvests so far. All I need do is continue to earn her trust. The vault will be yours mistress, I promise."
The dragon snorted. "The promises of a lost changeling mean little to me. Are you not grateful child? Do you not think saving you from that monster of a queen was enough? All I ask is that you return to me what was stolen. Then you shall have a place at my side..."
She stretched out to her full massive height and craned her head down to me. "And then you shall have my trust, but not sooner."
I bowed, shaking. The dragoness snorted. "You shall get the key to the vault when you have shown me proof of it's location. Not before. Am I clear?"
I nodded. "Yes Mistress."
"At least you have ears... Off with you then, and don't bother calling me back until you've found something useful."
That said, she engulfed me in flame... and I found myself back in my office, right in front of the fireplace.
I brushed the soot off myself and donned my disguise. It was an unassuming one, honestly. A brown coated pegasus with a dark blue mane, carefully styled. I put on my suit, checked the clock, and sat down for my second life.
Princess Celestia entered moments later.
The Sun Princess did not look pleased. "Director Smith, we need to talk. Your little fund-raising operation is getting out of control."
I raised an eyebrow. "Straight to the point I see... Princess we have suffered two setbacks, two. In an operation this large there are bound to be minor misscalculations-"
She narrowed her eyes. "Your 'miscalculations' put five operatives in prison, and generated no money for the EIA budget. Worse, ponies are starting to suspect there's more organization behind the bail bond industry's woes."
I groaned. "Princess, just because some deranged bond servers are babbling conspiracy theories-"
"Captain Day is asking questions Smith." The princess stated. "If my personal bodyguard is digging into intelligence records, we're going to have an issue."
My eyes widened. That was unexpected. I pondered it for a moment... Maybe I could play this to my advantage. "Princess, I will level with you, this operation was always a stop-gap measure. I know bills to raise black box funding are hard to pass..."
Celestia frowned. It was as close as she got to glaring. "The people of Equestria are peaceful, I have enough trouble maintaining a standing military budget to patrol our borders and you know it. You think I'm going to be able to sell a bill funding spies?" She shook her head.
I sighed, stroking my chin. "You're not wrong... There is another option though."
The princess raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
I shrugged. "Canterlot has an entire second treasury hidden from the populace. All we'd need to do is open the old vault and take our fill, problem solved, and no more risk to our agents."
Celestia's eyes went wide. "You... You are not supposed to know about that. How do you know about the vault?"
A not so little dragon told me. I allowed myself a smirk. "You ask how your spymaster uncovered a secret? Princess with all due respect, I'm the one who doctors your documents."
Celestia considered that, then smirked. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised." She looked down. "But that vault was hidden for a reason. It may have more than a few piles of gold and gems, but the artifacts inside are extremely dangerous."
I raised an eyebrow. "More dangerous than stealing from bounty hunters?"
She let out a breath. "The things I do to keep my little ponies safe... I'll think about it, but for now the operation goes on as planned. Even if I wanted to open that door, the key is lost and trying to drill into the mountainside would draw too much attention. I could spend some time picking the lock, but..."
I snorted. "Princess, you are speaking to the head of a team of infiltration specialists, cracking magical locks would be easy for us. Just point us at the door and-"
She held up a hoof. "If you don't know it's location yet, it's best to keep that information compartmentalized for now. Skies forbid you get captured..."
I wanted to argue the point... but I could tell she was at her limit today. I needed to be patient, push too far and she'd get suspicious.
It was practically my mantra at this point.
"Very well princess," I replied, "but do let us know if you change your mind. Quite frankly, you're right. This operation is dangerous."
"Like I said I'm considering it..." That said, she left.
#
After I finished up some paperwork, I proceeded to life number three.
I opened the door to my house only to be promptly embraced by my wife. "Sweetie! You'll never guess what happened!"
I felt her love flow into me and I couldn't help but smile. "What is it dear?"
She gave me a brilliant grin "One of my toys is headed for the Canterlot children's museum hall of fame! Can you believe it?
I put my briefcase in the corner, "That's great dear, which one?"
She blushed. "Captain Squiggles the Piggles! Foals love their fuzzy pig slinkies. Oh! Here, let me get that." She took my coat and hung it up. "So, rough day?"
I sighed. "You know I can't tell you that Joy."
She snorted. "Alright Mr. confidential law firm man, I'll interpret it from your downer face... But I've got just the thing to cheer you up!"
She walked over to the kitchen door and slid it open. A positively heavenly smell wafted out of the room.
My eyes widened. "Truffles? How on earth did you get your hooves on truffles?"
She smirked, flicking her hair playfully. "Let's just say the pigs liked the good press. Now are you ready for something delicious?"
I smiled... Though there was a bitterness to it. "Of course dear, Let's eat."
#
A delicious meal, a cuddle session, and a bit more than a cuddle session later, I found myself in the shower, shivering in hot water.
It was times like these, with the steam pouring down around me, and my true form revealed that certain... thoughts crept in.
When I first replaced Joy Buzzer's late husband I thought nothing of it. It was how you were supposed to survive after all, and with the swarm scattered I had to get my meals somewhere.
But she was so... So much more than I ever thought she could be. I... I felt for her. And here I was, a walking corpse, sharing her bed like it was nothing...
This was my favorite life, but it wasn't my real life. Slaves like me didn't get to have real lives.
I grit my fangs, practically shaking with rage. I didn't want to work for a princess, or a dragon or a hive queen. I wanted to be real... To be me.
I started repeating the incantation over and over to calm myself down. It was worthless without the elixer, but it made me feel safer.
You will be free, you must!
It was in that vault. If I could just play them all just right...
I sighed. This was going to be difficult I needed the location to get the key, and the key to open the vault. Two immortals to fool.
I had to convince Celestia her plan was stupid. All I needed was more disruptions...
I smiled. I think I had an idea.
I hopped out of the shower, put my disguise back on, and snuggled into bed.
The sleeping Joy snuggled into me on reflex, she was so warm, so beautiful....
I frowned. I knew it wasn't real, but maybe I could make it real... And with the Elixer, I doubted anyone could stop me.