//------------------------------// // Gary who? // Story: The Ultimatest Evil // by Death Pony //------------------------------// Princess Twilight Sparkle was having a rather good day for once. No emergency getting in the way of sorting the new books she ordered from the Stalliongrad Archives, a nice pot of tea, and if things held firm a picnic with all her friends. In fact, Spike would be returning in just a moment with some freshly baked- “TWIIIILIGHT!” The panicked cry echoed throughout what must have been all of Ponyvillie, causing the Princess of Friendship to sigh deeply before rolling her eyes. “I guess it was too good to be true…” she grumbled. Spike came waddling into the room with a plate of cookies. “You know Twi, I’m actually surprised we had such a long break, you know? I mean after you girls stopped the Return of R’neigh and the Eldritch Council, the Cult of Uranus, and the Second Clown Rebellion it’s been pretty hectic around here.” Twilight gave a strained smiled to the drake, “Oh Spike, while those were indeed actual emergencies that needed our attention, you seem to have blocked out all of the…false alarms.” Spike chuckled, “You mean like the Pinkie Pie Nightmare Night costume that sent all of Canterlot into lock-down a few days ago?” Twilight was unable to stop from rolling her eyes again. “Yes, among others. Let’s get this over with; I still want to have that picnic today.” “Right!” The pair walked out of the crystal castle to find most of Ponyville fleeing in random directions, minus the heroes of Equestria, who were calmly waiting for their defacto leader to join them so they could once again save the day. “Howdy Twi’, I reckon this here is jus’ another one of them false alarms we get. Ain’t nothin’ on fire, heck I don’t even smell smoke,” Applejack lightly tipped her hat while greeting the Princess as she neared the group. Rainbow Dash was rubbing her chin with a hoof while floating nearby, a rare look of concentration on her muzzle as she looked away in thought. “I dunno AJ, there is something on the outskirts of town. What I saw looked like a real skinny black bear or a diamond dog made of shadows or somethin', but I wasn’t really looking that hard.” “Oh my. I do hope they aren’t hurt, I mean…if it is a bear. Harry knows better than to come into town, so it would have to be some poor creature from the Everfree, maybe even looking for food. If it is, I’ll make sure the darling thing is unhurt and give it lots of food…um, if that’s okay, I mean.” The quiet pegasus added. Twilight cleared her throat. “Well, let’s not speculate any longer. Let’s go confront this…shadow bear, or whatever. Spike is going to make some kind of new and amazing pasta dish for today’s picnic.” “Ah-hem!” Spike said with no small amount of pride while taking a smug pose. “Yum-yum-yum! I’m sure it will go great with the Germane Chocolate Cupcakes I’ll be bringing!” Pinkie Pie added, bouncing down the street with her pals. Soon, the seven friends came to the edge of town and sure enough, there stood a large black figure. It did seem to look like a diamond dog, or a minotaur in shape but it was so swaddled in dark robes that it was hard to tell. Before any of the ponies could act, a deep voice began speaking. “Soooo, you are the so-called Elements of Harmony then? Ha! I applaud your bravery, but you’re too late! My plans have already been enacted, and now I can’t be stopped!” The figure ended his rant by throwing his arms skyward, revealing a pair of hands similar to Spike’s but ending in blunt tips rather than claws and instead of scales they were covered in a pale, furless skin. The ponies (and one dragon) waited for something to happen for a moment before Twilight took a cautious step forward, as the creature in front of them held his dramatic pose as if waiting for a cue. “Um, pardon me…uh, sir? Who are you and what plans would those be exactly?” the alicorn asked in mild confusion. “Ha!” the creature replied and then proceeded to fumble a bit with its oversized robe before finally sliding both arms into the sleeves. “Come forth young ones, and show them our power!” Stepping out from behind the dark stranger were the three fillies voted Most Traumatic Club five years running, the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They continued to approach the six mares with smiles on their faces. “Howdy sis!” Apple Bloom said as the three neared. “Apple Bloom!? What are you doin’ hangin’ around that…uh, whatever it is? Don’t ya know how dangerous it…might be?” Applejack said, in full Big Sister mode. Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “Applejack, what are y'all talkin’ about? Mister Ultimate helped me an’ the girls here reach our level two cutie marks!” The dark figure coughed a bit and leaned over as if to peek from behind the filly, one pale hand scratching his hood in embarrassment. “It’s The Ultimate Evil, just…Ultimate Evil, no mister required,” it said with a hint of shyness. “Level two what now?” The farmer asked in confusion. The orange pegasus rushed forward in excitement until she was directly in front of Twilight and the gang. “Yeah, check this out! It’s so sweet!” she said, then turned her body to reveal her flank. There the mares could see her original shield and bolt cutie mark, but it was now wreathed in purple flames. “Watch this!” Scootaloo cried and then crouched down in front of the group like a racer ready to take off from the starting line when she burst into flames. Her fire was colored the same as her coat and mane, the purple flames on her head waving about as if in an invisible breeze. She then reared up on her hind legs and bright yellow flames snapped out from her wings, three times their normal size. With that done she took off like a bolt, blazing a trail of fire behind her as she circled the group of mares in tight spirals. Her speed was nothing to sneeze at either, as even Rainbow Dash was rather impressed. Seconds later, the filly came to a screeching halt where she started, her hoofs leaving a thin trail of flames on the dusty road. Shaking herself like she was flinging off water, the flames died out with a hiss and she returned to normal with a huge grin on her face. “So, whatcha think?” she asked with a cocky pose. The stunned group of mares gaped at the filly while Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle came up beside their friend. “Ma’ ability is to talk ta plants and trees, help 'em grow with a touch, and I can even ask 'em to move around ta help protect me and my friends in emergencies.” Apple Bloom said with pride. “Yeah!” Sweetie Belle squeaked, “And now my songs can calm ponies down, make them sleepy, or even make them feel all better when they’re hurt!” Twilight snapped out of her stupor. “Girls! We don’t have any idea how dangerous these new abilities are! How could you-“ but she was interrupted by Sweetie Belle thrusting a hoof into the air in front of the Princess’s muzzle. “Now wait just a second here,” she said without her trademark squeak, a cute little scowl on her cute little face. “Mister Evil explained the whole thing to us. He just strengthened our connection to Harmony and after our secret training, we reached level two. You can scan us if you don’t believe me,” she said, her hoof still held out in a stopping pose towards the alicorn. “He said you would say something like this and the fastest way to make you understand was to suggest a scan.” Twilight blinked a moment, and then looked at the dark figure. His smugness was almost palpable as he crossed his arms in apparent triumph but she growled a bit and turned back to the Crusaders. “Fine,” she ground out through clenched teeth and proceeded to bathe the girls in a deep scan array using all eighteen spell structures from seven different elemental planes. Sure enough, all the data came back with the same result; they were even more in tune with Harmony than before and their physical, mental, and spiritual bastions had been improved recently. The so-called Ultimate Evil began to chuckle darkly. “You see? I have already finished my plans, and now you are helpless to stop me! And this is just the,” he looked at the Crusaders pointedly, “very-important,” and then looked back at the mares, “tip of the massive iceberg that is going to come down and seal your doom!” He finished his monologue with a rather dramatic and stereotypical villain laugh, causing the Cutie Mark Crusaders to giggle at his theatrics. The mane six looked at each other in confusion before Rarity stepped forward. “Pardon me for interrupting your...charming bit of posturing darling, but perhaps you could share a bit more of your…diabolical plans with us, you know,” she waved a hoof around in circles, “in order to truly crush our hopes; if it’s not too much trouble, of course.” She blinked her eyes coquettishly at the robed being while flashing him a demure smile over her withers. The robed figure interrupted his own laughing with a sudden coughing fit and doubled over a bit to regain his breath. Holding out one hand with a single finger held up, he rested the other hand on one of his legs, while huffing at the ground for a few moments. After a few seconds, he cleared his throat. “My apologies, your smile is rather dangerously attractive when timed so well. I applaud your cunning strategy, but behold! I will reveal my plans to you, despite your underhanded tactics Lady Rarity!” Rarity wasn’t sure she had ever been complimented in a way that made her seem so…dangerous. Her ears flicked to Spike grumbling something about ‘smooth operators’ before she stepped back to her friends in confusion. The dark figure stood upright and pointed a pale hand at the fashionista. “I’ll start with you Lady Rarity! Little do you know that right now, your best designs should be reaching the most prominent marketing firms and most prodigious fashion experts in this entire world! Soon, your name will be a household regularity when discussing clothing for all races! Muhahahahah!” Rarity’s eyes had grown huge and her expression devastated. “No! My, my best designs…stolen and given away?” The Ultimate Evil stopped cold. “What? No, no,” he said waving his hand about casually. “I made sure all patents and rights were legally yours before I sent them. Rest assured, you and only you will get credit for all of your creations.” His voice ended up sounding like the cat that stole the cream. The unicorn’s eyes went from dewy to sparking like a field of stars in record time. “Oh!” She then began to squeal in excitement while trotting in place like a vibrating marshmallow. The other mares exchanged another look between them. “Ah jus’ don’t get it sugarcube,” Applejack said as she stepped forward. “Yer doin’ all of this," she asked, waving a forelimb about to vaguely indicate the area, "as part of yer plans against us, right?” The figure turned his hooded cowl towards her. “Indeed miss Applejack. My masterstroke plans included all of you. Take you for instance; I’ve cultivated your orchard with powerful growth agents and organic pest repellants that will guarantee a great harvest year after year!" The figure spread both arms wide to indicate the scale of his achievements. "And to twist the knife, I’ve trained all the Timberwolves of the Everfree to recover the fruits from your trees in the dead of night and leave them all in your barn, sorted by quality!" His arms became quite animated as he began to make dramatic sweeping motions during his speech. "Coupled with the distribution deals I’ve spearheaded, Sweet Apple Acres will become the wealthiest farm on Equus within the next six months.” With this final proclamation the figure began rubbing his pale hands against one another as if he were kneading dough or trying to warm them and hunched forward as if about to savor a favored delicacy. Applejack was far too stunned to notice, even having one eye begin to twitch so Twilight looked away from her farmer friend and at the hooded creature in pointed confusion. “What…are you doing?” The Ultimate Evil looked at the alicorn while continuing his hand motions. “I’m wringing my hands…menacingly.” Twilight nearly facehoofed right there in frustration, but settled for a deadpanned look full of disapproval. “Nopony's going to understand that, so you can stop now.” The dark figure seemed to wilt a little as he stopped, his cowl dipping towards the ground in defeat. “Aww…” Suddenly; Pinkie Pie. “Ooo ooo, what diabolical madness did you devise for me oh Dark One?” she asked while bouncing a mere foot away from the disappointed master criminal, her muzzle even with the dark opening of the villain’s hood at the apex of each bounce. The robed creature seemed to take hold of himself with a start and drew upright once again. Placing one hand on his chest as if about to impart an important lesson, he cupped the other near his cowl and leaned toward the pink mare as if about to share a great secret. “For you miss Pinkie Pie, I have placed in your kitchen a massive book,” he said while whispering like a conspirator. “This book details the dessert recipes of over a thousand different worlds and details every single celebration found on them, including. Every. Game. Imaginable.” His last syllable was as soft as a lover’s kiss. Pinkie Pie had frozen (midair) with a look that said ‘Full Tilt’ better than any pinball machine could ever convey. Twilight started to step forward to ask what the ‘villain’ whispered to Pinkie Pie and managed to get out, “Pinkie-“ before the mare in question was surrounded by a Pinkie shaped cloud of pink dust, leaving a crude facsimile behind, composed of a large sugar bag painted pink and adorned with large blue buttons for eyes. Everypony in the area heard three tones play before a recording of Pinkie Pie spoke aloud. “We’re totally sorry, but Pinkie Pie isn’t currently available! If this is a party emergency just clop your hooves together three times and say ‘You know what time it is?’ and Pinkie Pie will come to the rescue!” This announcement was followed by a beep and then total silence. Shaking her multihued mane, Rainbow Dash zipped up close to the smug creature and tried to peer into the depths of the hood with a cute but stern scowl on her face. “You may have all the others fooled buddy, but there’s no way the Dash is gonna fall for any of your tricks!” With that proclamation, she began shadow boxing in the air, her wings keeping her floating just in front of The Ultimate Evil. The dark figure drew upright in mock indignation. “Tricks dear Rainbow Dash? Is it a ‘trick’ that I used obscure and outdated laws, bribing noble houses, and the delivery of a few dozen magnificent cakes to Princess Celestia to reinstate the Galaxy Wing? The elite force above and in charge of both the Wonderbolts and the Shadowbolts? Beholden to none but the welfare of Equestria, and performing feats so spectacular that even other nations will take notice?” The low but charming voice coming from the hood had caused the polychromatic mare to pause her motions in the air as if under a spell. “It’s a shame you would think such things about me dear Rainbow Dash, especially since I maneuvered things to make you their first choice…as Captain.” The rainbow tailed mare fell out of the air and onto her rump in shock. “Really?” The shadowed figure simply nodded in the affirmative. “That’s…so…AWESOME! Me! In charge of the greatest fliers in Equestria, no the WORLD!? Wooo hooo!” She began to fly around the group in excitement, her hesitation busted like stray clouds during weather duty. With another poof of pink smoke, Pinkie Pie reappeared amongst the group, hugging a large tome against her barrel. “I love it soooo much!” Twilight’s mane was starting to make high pitched sounds much like harp strings snapping when tuned beyond capacity as little curls of said mane started to jut out in anarchy. “This…is the least effective method of villainy I’ve ever seen. Nothing he’s done so far is detrimental. I…don’t understand what’s happening.” Before she could continue into a spiral, a warm yellow hoof began soothing her along the back. Its effect was immediately calming. “Oh, it’s okay Twilight. I don’t think mister bear is truly bad, I just think he’s bad at being truly villainous.” Fluttershy said in a mellow tone, seeking to further calm her overexcitable friend. This comment was overheard by the ‘bear’ in question. “Why Fluttershy, I’m surprised to hear that you think I’m not very villainous.” His voice sounded rather pained, as if from having his feelings hurt. He quickly changed his tone to one of vicious politeness. “Perhaps you’ll change your mind when I tell you what my plan for you was. Not only have I healed all of your injured animal friends, but I’ve also trained almost all of them in various forms of first aid, so they can become your medical aides whenever new patients arrive!” He posed dramatically while pointing as the sky. “On top of that, I’ve laced all of your pet food with essential vitamins and minerals that will magically adjust for each animal’s individual needs and created a tree that produces ‘meat fruits’, allowing your carnivorous neighbors to get their required daily protein with no more loss of animal life! To seal the deal, I’ve taught Angel how to respect others and made friends with Discord. Ha! How’s that for villainous? How’s that for Evil!?" It curled both hands into fists and dropped them to its side in anger. "And I’m not a bear!” he said, stomping his foot in agitation while throwing a fit. Fluttershy’s response was a gentle smile, before her eyes rolled up into her head and she fainted away from happiness. The robed biped caught himself and then straightened his skewed robes while clearing his throat. “Yes, as I was saying… As for you young drake," he motioned towards the baby dragon, "I’ve infused your horde of gem snacks with isotopes that will assist in both wing growth and aid in easing your next growth spurt. You’ll find them under the autographed first editions of various comic books I’ve placed in your domicile. Your despair at discovering such a turn of events will be most fulfilling!” The creature finished his proclamation with a fist clenched in a victory pose, as if having just outmaneuvered a cunning opponent. Spike looked at Twilight and shrugged with a grin. “Best bad guy, ever.” Twilight Sparkle was busy rubbing her temple with a hoof. “I can’t..even…” His dark chuckle roused her from confusion. “Oh, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you oh Princess of Friendship. I’ve cobbled together quite the torment for you, being my favorite pony and all.” He chuckled again. “Wait, your favorite what now?” she asked in genuine interest. The shadowy figure seemed to recoil as if surprised before attempting to smooth the moment over with false bravado. “I said, my favorite…uh, foil! Yes, my ultimate nemesis!" The Ultimate Evil brought both hands directly in front of the hooded void that passed for his face and steepled the fingers for added effect while he continued to boast. "For you I have complied a comprehensive Index of Magic from across a dozen different dimensions, from wards and runes, to magic circles and incantations! This tome even has the formulas required to solve all of Starswirl’s greatest Riddles." Shifting to a more relaxed stance, the biped spuriously began to casually inspect his fingernails on one hand, as if completely bored. "Unfortunately, the time required to study all the knowledge in the Index will take hundreds of years, always changing and updating, the fount of wisdom is nearly endless.” He buffed the nails on his robe-covered chest and blew on them for effect while stealing poorly hidden glances at the alicorn princess for a reaction. The slack look of disbelief on the alicorn’s muzzle was telling. “Infinite study…of all magic schools and disciplines…everywhere…” She began to drool a bit with a far off look in her eyes. The hooded figure laughed maniacally and threw his arms open in total triumph. “Yes! It is safely stored in your collection of rare books back in your castle. Do you now understand my power!? Do you know what hopelessness is now, to the depth of your being!? Hey!” The figure cried out as he found a lavender mare wrapped around his waist in a bone crushing hug. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!” she exclaimed over and over while the Ultimate Evil tried to free himself. Finally extracting himself, he jumped back. “I see you’ve forced me to use my ace in the hole!” He crossed his arms in front of himself and looked up towards the sky. “Prepare yourself for my ultimate technique!” The mares all looked at the figure as wind began to swirl all around his form. “Henshin!” Light exploded from the center of the storm surrounding the dark figure as thunder cracked from the heavens and the sky opened up to a choir of angelic voices. With one last blast of air the swirling storm of dust dissipated and a new form emerged from the lingering cloud of steam. Striding out from the mist was a regal beast, his snow white coat along the back slowly becoming a gradient midnight blue as it reached his powerful hooves. His massive wings shimmered with a pearlescent glow as they were displayed in a show of dominance. The spiraling ivory horn reached for the stars as it was nestled in his mane, seemingly flowing gently in an ethereal breeze, the pattern one of thickly falling snowflakes. The proud alicorn stallion sported a hurricane cutie mark, as if being observed from space. “Now do you fear me?” The voice was honey poured over gravel, powerful liquid masculinity, and the promise of passionate nights. The vacant expression in the mares’ eyes caused the new alicorn to take a step back. This caused them all to take a step forward to close the distance. “What…are you all doing? Why are you looking at me like that?” As he kept retreating, they continued to move towards him. Watching the proceedings from a hidden vantage point, Discord slapped his paw loudly against his snout and dragged it down slowly. “This. This is what I get for grabbing a ‘brony’ to be their next challenging enemy.” The faint cry of distress as the new alicorn male tried sprinting through town to escape the stampede of mares chasing him only punctuated his statement.