//------------------------------// // Leap of the Century // Story: My Little Pony: Friendship is Absurd // by Lord Seth //------------------------------// Diamond Tiara stared at Flim and Flam. Flim and Flam stared back. “So are you dolts going to get me food, or what?” demanded Diamond Tiara. “My dad said you’d better take care of me, so you’d better take care of me!” “Fine,” said Flim, “do you want apples?” “Bleh!” said Diamond Tiara. “I don’t like apples! I want a three-tier chocolate cake with frosting from Saddle Arabia!” “How are you even going to eat all of that?” asked Flam. “Not your problem! Now get me that cake!” “How are we even supposed to get that frosting? By the time it’d arrive we’d be done taking care of you.” “You don’t have to order it from there, you just use the imported frosting, duh,” said Diamond Tiara. “How have you guys not gone bankrupt with how dumb you are?” “Look,” said Flim with great restraint, “we’ll get you some cake if you behave yourself, but we’re not getting you a three-tier chocolate cake.” “Then I’m sure my dad would love to know just how poorly you’ve been treating me,” said Diamond Tiara with a devious smile. “Like when you locked me in the shed.” “We didn’t lock you in the shed!” said Flim. “Oh yeah? Well I say you did! And I’m sure my dad will be so happy to hear that.” Flam appeared as if he was about to outright attack Diamond Tiara, but was held back by Flim. “Calm down, Flam. We only have to deal with this for one day.” “Ugh,” said Flam. “Next time we have to get money from Filthy Rich, offer him a stake in the business instead of agreeing to do some favors for him later on.” “Well, it did seem like just owing Filthy Rich some favors was cheaper than giving up part of the business… who knew one of the favors would be something as annoying as this?” “Hey!” said Diamond Tiara. “Stop talking and get the cake!” “How do we get into these messes?” wondered Flim. Earlier… ”It cures the reins, the spurs, and the Clydesdale fur blight. Hooferia and horsentery cured in just a night. You’ve got swollen hooves and hindquarters or terrible bridle-bit cleft. Saunter sitz and gallop plop will give your tail some–” “Are these actual diseases?” wondered Sunset aloud. “They sound made up. I mean, ‘hooferia’?” “Don’t interrupt the song!” snapped Flim. “Uh, where were we?” “Blah blah, miracle cure, blah blah, only place you’ll find it, blah blah,” said Sunset. “If this thing is so darn great, why haven’t you done the smart thing and patented it, then licensed it to some large pharmaceutical company to get royalties?” “We’re building a brand!” said Flam. “But you don’t have the distribution channels they do. It seems like you’re giving yourself a lot of extra work when you could be profiting off of it way faster if you did so. And even if you did want to strike out for yourself, there’s got to be more efficient ways to sell it than this.” “Would you wait until later to try to give us business advice? We’re in the middle of something here!” “It’s better than listening to that lame song,” said Sunset. “Actually,” came another voice, “there’s a much bigger problem with this.” Flam’s face fell as he recognized the voice. “Oh no.” “Oh yes,” said Applejack as she jumped onto the stage and strode up to Flim and Flam. “I’ve been keeping an eye on you two, because I know you couldn’t resist these kind of schemes for long. Now, you’re making a whole lot of claims about this pill of yours, such as its ability to cure all of these diseases. Do you have independent, double-blind studies proving it?” “We’ve got this guy over here that it cured!” said Flim, pointing to a white-coated stallion named Silver Shill who was introduced in a part of the song that was skipped over for brevity’s sake. “Didn’t you see that?” “First, that’s not an independent, double-blind study. That’s just anecdotal,” said Applejack. “Second, that was complete fakery on your part.” “No, it wasn’t!” said Flim and Flam. “Uh-huh,” said Applejack as she held up a piece of paper. “Then why did you include ‘Silver Shill’s payment’ as a business expense on your tax forms?” “I knew that was a bad idea,” muttered Flam. “Anyway,” continued Applejack, “this all counts as false advertisement and fraud, so I have to hit you with a rather stiff fine.” She pulled out another piece of paper, scribbled some numbers on it, and gave it to Flim and Flam. “There you go.” Flim and Flam looked at the piece of paper and went pale. “That’s a lot of zeroes,” said Flim. “Don’t commit the vice if you can’t pay the price,” said Applejack before she left. “Darn it,” said Flim, “how are we going to get the money to pay it off?” After the exact amount of time between then and where the previous scene left off… “Cake!” shouted Diamond Tiara. “Okay, okay, calm down!” said Flim. “Why don’t we go over to Sugar Cube Corner and we can get the cake made for you?” Diamond Tiara suddenly perked up. “Now, that would be just lovely,” she said cheerfully in a voice dramatically different than the one she had previously been using. “That settles it,” muttered Flam. “I am never having children.” The amount of time required to get to Sugar Cube Corner later… “Ah, hello!” said Mr. Cake as the group entered. “What can I get for you?” “A three-tier chocolate cake with frosting from Saddle Arabia,” said Flim wearily. “What a coincidence!” said Mr. Cake. “We have one in stock.” “Really?” asked Flim. Mr. Cake took a look at a list. “Oh, I’m sorry, my mistake. What we have is a four-tier chocolate cake with frosting from Saddle Arabia. Would that be okay?” “No!” said Diamond Tiara. “I said three-tier chocolate cake, and that means I want a three-tier chocolate cake!” “But a four-tier cake is just a bigger version of that!” said Flam. “Yeah, but four is such a dull number. Three is much more interesting.” Flim and Flam face-hoofed. “Well,” said Mr. Cake, “if you’re willing to wait a bit, we could adjust the cake to have three tiers. We could just use the bottom tier as a standalone cake.” “Okay!” said Diamond Tiara in an astoundingly sweet voice. “That sounds good.” And so the group waited. After approximately 8.3 seconds, however, Diamond Tiara grew bored. “You dolts should do something to entertain me in the meantime,” she said. Flam sighed. “What do you want this time?” “I shouldn’t have to do your job for you! You figure out something!” “Ugh,” groaned Flim. “Well, how about a puppet show?” “Do you have any puppets?” asked Diamond Tiara. “Er, no,” admitted Flim. And so the conversation went, with Flim or Flam trying to suggest something only for Diamond Tiara to shoot it down. After enough of this that it would get awfully boring and repetitive if it were to all be transcribed, Mr. Cake came out with a three-tier chocolate cake with frosting from Saddle Arabia. “Here’s your three-tier chocolate cake with frosting from Saddle Arabia!” he said. He brought it over to them and was paid by Flim. “Enjoy!” he said before leaving for the back again. “This thing was expensive enough that I wonder if it would’ve been easier to just pay the fine in the first place,” muttered Flam. “Yay! Cake!” said Diamond Tiara. She cut a piece and ate it. “Okay, I’m done,” she said. “Why did you ask for a three-tier chocolate cake with frosting from Saddle Arabia if you were just going to quit after one slice?!” demanded Flim. “Oh, I didn’t really care that much about the cake; I just wanted to see if you guys could actually get it,” said Diamond Tiara smugly. ”What?!” “Actually” said Diamond Tiara, “I did come up with another way to use this cake!” Diamond Tiara wheeled the cake out of the store and into the street. “Hey everypony!” she shouted. “Free cake, courtesy of Diamond Tiara!” There was a mad stampede of ponies. However, said mad stampede ran right past the cake. “Huh?” asked Diamond Tiara. Her vague question was answered when a swarm of parasprites flew by, quickly ate the cake, then flew off in the same direction as the crowd. “Huh. Well, there goes that plan to gain popularity.” Flim and Flam came out of the shop. “Wait, was that a swarm of parasprites?” asked Flam. “Uh, I think so?” said Diamond Tiara. “Does it really matter?” “Of course it matters!” said Flam. “Those things cause chaos wherever they go and eat all the food!” “More specifically,” added Flim, “they could totally eat all of the food we’ve got!” “There’s only one thing to do!” said Flam. “Protect me from the parasprites at the potential cost of your own lives?” asked Diamond Tiara. “No!” said Flam. “Something totally different! And much more useful! We’re going to defeat them with the most dangerous weapon that has ever been conceived!” “And what would that be?” asked Diamond Tiara. Flim patted her on the head. “You’ll learn all about it when you’re older. In fact, you’ll probably be downright intimate with it.” “AAAAAHHHH!” shouted one of the myriad of ponies that were running around. “AAAAAHHHH!” agreed another. “AAAAAHHHH!” shouted a third before abruptly stopping. “Wait, why are we running around screaming? They’re not attacking us. Losing food is annoying and all, but our lives aren’t in danger.” “Okay!” said another. “Let’s see if we can get rid of them somehow!” All attempts to get rid of the parasprites comedically failed, except for the one involving the folding chairs, which instead failed in a non-comedic fashion. “Why does this sort of nonsense always happened in Ponyville?” muttered Sunset to herself. “I mean, can’t the monster attack Cloudsdale or Manehattan for once?” Just then an unseen orchestra started up as Flim and Flam arrived. ”We’re the–” “Don’t care!” screamed Sunset. “If you have a solution to the parasprites, use it without the song! And if you don’t, then don’t sing anyway!” “Oh, come on!” said Flam. “We worked really hard on this song!” Sunset glared at him. “Fine!” said Flam. “We have the perfect way to deal with the parasprites!” “Then use it!” Flam shrugged and pulled out several barrels of cider. The parasprites, seeing the nutrition, immediately divebombed straight at them and gobbled them all up. “What did that accomplish?” asked Sunset. “Wait for it,” said Flim. Shortly after consuming the cider, the parasprites all fell to the ground unconscious. “Ta-da!” said Flam. “That was the alcoholic cider! So they drank all of it, but because their bodies are so small they had essentially no tolerance and all fell into a stupor.” “Isn’t this the same thing you did with the Mane-iac?” asked Sunset. “Just further proof that alcohol solves everything!” declared Flim. “Okay, and what is your solution for when they wake up? They’ll just start eating things and cloning themselves some more." “Oh, easy one,” said Flam. “You see, parasprites live lives so short that they make the lifespan of an adult mayfly seem long. The only reason the species is even still around is because they reproduce so crazy fast. Thus, the problem takes care of itself, as they’ll all be dead before they wake up.” “Well, you may have saved the town, so I guess you guys did something good for once,” said Sunset. “Can we sing our song now?” “No!” snapped Sunset. “Though, what are you going to do with this big pile of parasprites in the center of town?” “That’s not our problem!” said Flim cheerfully. Sunset sighed. “All right!” came a whiny voice as Diamond Tiara walked up to them. “You had your fun! Now I want you to go buy me another three-tier cake because that one went to waste!” “We’re not buying you another cake,” said Flam. “Well, then, I’m going to be telling my dad you guys locked me in the shed!” Flim and Flam shared a glance at each other. Later… “Hello,” said Filthy Rich, “I’m here to pick my daughter up. Where is she?” “Oh, we just locked her in the shed,” said Flim. “You can find her there.” Filthy Rich’s eyes narrowed. “You locked her in the shed?” “She was becoming unbearable. Couldn’t take her anymore,” said Flam. “Hrm,” said Filthy Rich. “Is that shed for sale, by any chance?” “Why?” asked Flam. “Because that’s a brilliant idea. Now I want a shed for that. If you give it to me for free, I’ll consider our account entirely settled.” One shed ‘sale’ and subsequent departure later… “Well!” said Flim. “That all worked out reasonably. I’m just glad he wasn’t angry about the whole shed thing.” “Just giving him the shed was easier than the original idea of trying to guilt-trip him into not getting angry due to us stopping the parasprites and presumably saving his money.” There was a pause. “You know,” said Flam, “I can’t help but feel we’re forgetting something.” There was another pause. “Oh well,” said Flim. “If we are, I’m sure it isn’t anything important.” Meanwhile… “Okay!” said Trixie. “So here’s my idea for how to close out the Mare Do Well issue. You know how a lot of times in a story, somepony will say ‘I can’t help but think I’m forgetting something’ and then it’ll cut to something they forgot for comedy’s sake, then usually followed by them adding that they didn’t think it was anything important?” “Yeah?” asked Lightning Dust. “We should do that, but not cut anywhere at all to demonstrate what, if anything, was forgotten. This leaves the question unanswered for the reader, and the lack of a punchline thus becomes the joke.” “I don’t know,” said Lightning Dust. “It seems like it’d be easy to miss the fact that it’s a subversion at all and just leave the reader confused. I think you’d have to include some kind of explanation at the end so they get it, and that could ruin the whole joke if you explain it.” Trixie sighed. “Okay, fair enough. Let’s go with the original plan of her trying to make a failed analogy about kittens and chewing gum.”