//------------------------------// // Third Call: The Electrician and The Mechanic // Story: Equestria's Number One Hotline // by grey mane //------------------------------// It had been several months and Princess Luna continued to call in on a weekly basis, her calls were slowly causing Aqua Velvet to beg me to get somepony else to deal with her calls. It annoyed her to no end when I would bow and smiled, “Sorry my liege, but you know just as well as I do that I can’t do that. Not when you are our Queen when it comes to gaming.” I find her cute when she gets angry and shakes her fist at me. Though Aqua and Zuul had the regular customers calling them they were not the only callers, from time to time we got a few random calls that came in. Most were just some ponies wanting to talk, some had a few troubles they needed help sorting out like asking how to get off easy when they forgot their wedding anniversary. I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes when their wives found out. Walking around I checked up on a few of our operators to see how things were going for them, many had a few questions that they couldn’t answer so I told them to transfer to somepony who did. Others were dealing with prank calls, but the joke is on the callers once they get their phone bill. As I continued to check up on a few of our other employees I found an empty spot as its phone started to ring, “Thank you for calling ALL4FUN, my name is Shadowstep what would you like to talk about today?” My father was a fan of novels and movies that featured misunderstood anti-heroes, and my name was some kind of play off of that but neither my mother or I could see the connection. “Ya…” The poor guy sounded hesitant to say the least but as to why I didn’t know, “so my wife has challenged my stallion hood by saying I couldn’t do a little electrical work here in the house. And I said I could, what I need help with right now is one of my light switches is not working.” Very clear case that he should have called an electrician not us, “I never keep manuals in the castle because I say I don’t need them, that and I know she would notice if one of them was moved. But I had heard from my in laws, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, that you guys are discreet and should have somepony there I can talk to.” It was then my jaw dropped as I looked over to Zuul, “Huh… ya…” I was shocked to have learned that Princess Celestia actually has been calling, “ya, w-we have somepony who can help let me see if he’s in right now.” But I think I was more shocked to realize I was talking to Shining Armor, I had always thought he would sound more on the grough side than colt band lead. Looking around I couldn’t find any sign of Crosswire, you think that the youngest foal between Fluttershy and Discord would be easier to keep track of. I mean for crying out loud he was born an earth pony, yet for some strange reason he can use magic… not sure how that happen let alone how that works. But then again his father is Discord, I’ve been trying to talk him into introducing me to his very sexy older sister Timid Turvey. Anyway when I couldn’t find him I did manage to spot Swamphole and waved him over, ‘You got a caller, and you flagged me…” He whispered with a raised eyebrow, ‘alright I’ll bite what’s this about?’ ‘Is Crosswire here today or is he off?’ ‘As he is right now… here is a relative term at this point.’ ‘Tartarus you mean relative? Is he or isn’t he here?’ I was starting to worry, he was the only pony here who knew all about electrical. Guy was a genious when it came to it, he even rewired the whole office building. Hearing the clearing of Shining’s voice my attention was brought back to the call, “So is there somepony there or not, because I don’t want Cadence finding out I have no clue what I am doing.” “Yes just one more minute, as of right now we are looking for the pony we like to call The Electrician.” I was hesitant in saying that hoping I wasn’t lying to him, ‘Start talking and start talking fast asshole, is he here or not?’ ‘Again it’s relative at this point in time.’ Pointing into the upper corner of the office near a vent as a means to show me that yes he was here, well his body was but clearly his mind was out at the moment. He was working on an old ham radio trying to get it to pick up FM frequencies, his hands had clear signs he had been zapped a few times. What added to it was he had started singing or talking to himself I didn’t care which, “I'm gonna feel the way I do~o to~oday, 'cause you-you nutsy chick, you broad-you make me feel so young. Boom.” Now I was starting to wonder if he was singing to take his mind off of work or if his mind was picking up radio signals and he was the speaker, “Oh boys, that was terrible. I'm going out, I'm gonna have a smoke. When I come back, get the horn section figured out, I can't work like this.” “Huh…Mr. Armor sir, as of right now our electrical specialist is…” Tied up at the moment, stepped out for lunch, called in sick, his mother is sick, dad died, “dealing with another caller. Would it be alright if I connected you with our mechanic? She knows a lot about cars and how to fix them, perhaps she can help you with anything motor related for the time being?” His end of the line was quiet for a moment before I heard him hum, “Well my old car is having a few problems, and I have done what I can but I still can figure out everything. Ya I’ll talk to her till your other guy is ready.” “Alright then I’ll transfer you over to her right now, and I think the electrician should be done in about five minutes.” It was then we all saw the lights flicker for a quick second as Crosswire got zapped again and twitched for a moment, “Two on, two out, Bonds is up again. Swung on, oh! That struck the ballmare, knocked her cold! Today's game, by the way, is brought to you by Teddies Melody. If it isn’t in harmony then it wasn’t made at Teddies Melody.” As he continued to report a baseball game he resumed working on the radio. “On second thought it might be a little longer than that.” Putting him on hold I called out to Merigold telling her she had Shining Armor waiting on line 3 before I pulled Swamphole in closer to myself, “Okay how in the endless depths of Tartarus did that happen?” “You got me, he just showed up with it this morning. Walked up the wall and started working on it, he was certain that he could get it to pick up FM frequencies. That was the third time he’s been zapped so far, kinda surprised he’s still alive actually.” I face palmed myself as I let go of Swamhole, “Okay we have very limited time before Merigold gets done helping Shining Armor, in that time we need to get him down and get him back to normal.” “What even is normal, I mean he’s one of Discord’s foals. So normal could be anything for him.” As the lights flickered for a second time we all heard a thud causing those of us who were free for the moment to rush over, finding Crosswire as a steaming heap on the ground as he twitched I nudged him with my hoof. Hearing him groan I knew he was alive… somehow, ordering everypony to return to their work space we were all unaware of when he had gotten back up on his hooves. Working his way through the crowd of us he began letting out a series of eeks, whoops, and clicking noises that made many of us think he was a pair of whales. We all watched him do this for around two minutes before Swamphole hit him upside the head with one of the folding chairs we had, “Why the fuck did you do that?” Swamphole shrugged his shoulders, “What you wanted him to return to normal, it just made sense. Knock him out and let his brain reset, kinda like shutting off a computer then turning it back on.” “He is not a machine damn it!” Rubbing my head as I tried to figure out what to do next I walked over to Merigold to listen in and guess how much time we had. “Okay so you found a little water in your gas tank, there are two possibilities I know of on how this could happen. The first is it got in there last time you filled up or a prank by somepony, the second is condensation from the weather. Now depending on how long it has been we can fix this.” Looking up at me she frowned as she shook her head, “Okay the first option though expensive is to replace the remaining amount of gas, take it all out and just replace it with fresh gas. The other option is to use a nice little fuel additive called heet, that is spelled H-E-E-T and it only works so long as there is very little water.” “Okay well It’s been like this for about two weeks now.” With those words she started beating her head on the desk. “Has the water been in there for two weeks or are you saying you’ve been trying to solve this for two weeks?” “Does it matter?” I’m going to strangle his dumbass. She mouthed towards me, “Okay since we can not determine the length of time we can only guess at how damaged your car is. That being said you have one of two options here, take it to a professional who can try and salvage the car. Or, sell it for what you can and buy a good fixer upper. Now you can also just empty the gas tank and leave it empty for a few days so it can dry out.” “Okay well this is a rather old sports car, and though me and my wife have enjoyed it. It seats only two, and well I have a foal on the way. I was thinking of getting a van but what do you recommend?” She was rather nonchalant as she looked over a list of good family vehicles, “Well lets see there’s the Ford E-series, from what I hear that’s pretty good.” “Ya but I’m only having the one foal at the moment, and I’ve been leaning towards the 1964 VW. I’ve always admired that from a far.” Merigold burst out laughing when she heard that, “THE SHAG WAGON!?” She gasped for air as she muttered my dear sweet Celestia, “If you were planning on just the one foal forget it, you get the shag wagon then you are going to want the E-series. My old Stallion had the shag wagon at the same time he and mom had me, then they dropped twelve more of my brothers and sisters because of the shag.” “So~o… they shagged…” “In the shag yes.” Funny… you think you know a pony, “Okay you want a family vehicle that you will love, I suggest the '67 Impala. I’ve got a list of used but still in excellent condition, I swear they look and sound like they just came off the line. And bonus, you will have enough bits left over that you can buy a torn down one in a scrap yard and build it back up.” “I don’t know, is the Impala really a good family car. I mean it looks nice but I don’t know.” He sounded hesitant and unsure, but if anypony could get him thinking about this it was Merigold. Our sweet and cute little mechanic, we just don’t say that to her face. Last time somepony did say that to her, she rigged their car to start only a certain way and they could never figure it out… I miss my ‘66 SS. “Do you think Cadence will like the Impala? She hardly likes my Pinto, actually she hates the Pinto. Often refers to it as the P.O.S. Pinto, but I never figured out why.” It went silent between them before Shining spoke up again, “In fact the Pinto is the car I’ve been talking to you about and trying to fix.” Merigold slowly turned her head to look up at me as she mouthed, ‘I stand corrected… I’m going to slowly torture his dumb ass.’ I patted her on the shoulder, “Okay look you want to look like a stallion in front of your wife again? Then go for the Impala, it's the very definition of a stallion's car. And the VW is for widdle baby fillies, and you don’t want to be a widdle baby filly. You want to be a stallion your wife is proud of, a stallion that has ‘WELCOME ABOARD’ tattooed on his penis!” “I was thinking of getting a fairy tattoo at one point.” As she closed her eyes I started backing away before she could grab something and beat me with it. Going back over to Crosswire I soon discovered he was missing… again, worried I ran over only to find him sitting with his legs crossed… and with a bong. Calmly walking towards him I feared what this could mean but still had to check on him, “Are you okay?” “I’m fine ma~an. The world is my bowl.” “Do you know where you are, or even who you are?” “Where? Na~ah… but life is a mystery, just one big journey with no real rhyme, reason, or meaning. And me? I’m John Lennon,” Snapping his fingers his thumb was set aflame, “and I’m going to join Lucy in the Sky to get some Diamonds. Wanna join me?” As he started smoking it was more than clear to me that he was baked, and we were royally fucked. Discord wasn’t going to care one way or another, he was just going to laugh. It was Fluttershy I was worried about, and what she would do if she found out about this. Walking over with a laugh Swamphole reached down to grab the bong, “Oh~ho, I didn’t know you partook. Let me get a hit of that.” Pulling him away from both Crosswire and the bong, “Call Discord.” “I thought you were scared of that guy.” “I’m not scared of Discord, Discord is cool, he’s great to hang out with. But it's Fluttershy I’m scared of.” Smiling he tapped me on the cheek, “You kidding, his mom is mellow… and sexy. I mean she is one sexy mare and I would love to-” Sitting him down in the chair I started to sweat, “You have no clue the wrath she will bring upon us, she makes a roided out Hulk look peaceful and calm.” “How roided out are we talking here?” “Enough to make Supermare look like a little bitch under a blue sun. So call Discord and let’s hope he can fix this, and Fluttershy remains out of the loop.” “Ya… okay… calling the spirit of disharmony so we can keep the harmony, gotcha.” As he started to dial the number he paused for a moment, “You know we could just hit him on the head again, clearly that worked.” “No it did not work like we wanted it, you can’t paint a failure up to look like success. Now make the damn call!” As he finished dialing he grumbled, “Ya, ya, ya.”