“Wish me luck, boys!” huffed Prince Shining Armour as he cantered up to the pair of imperial guards stationed at the double doors to Princess Cadance’s bedchambers.
Flash Sentry saluted, as did his partner, Critical Strike, and Shining gave them a parting grin before he disappeared into the room.
The sound of the heavy doors booming shut had an odd tone of finality to it, for some reason. Flash couldn’t think of any reason for such an ominous thought. Glancing out the nearest window, he saw an absolutely sunny day which, when combined with the chatter and laughter of the Crystal Empire’s jolly citizenry outside, radiated so much warm and fuzzies that he almost got a toothache.
“You have any kids, Flash?” asked Crit.
He sighed. “I don’t even have a special somepony.”
“That’s… not necessarily an essential step.”
Flash blinked. “Right. Answer is still no.”
“Can’t wait to see the cute little fellow. Did they say whether it’s a colt or filly?”
“Nope. Too much innate magic interfering with scrying spells. It’ll be a surprise.”
Crit suddenly had a dreamy expression. “My brother said there’s nothing more magical than that special moment… But my Wifey’s not so convinced, though. She’s not due for another few months.”
“Uh huh.”
They lapsed into silence as they stood guard. Shining had given strict orders to keep out anypony who didn’t have business directly related to Princess Cadance’s current occupation, so they had to turn away a fair number of court officials and even a few nobles. It was a routine that Flash had down pat from his experience in Canterlot, and the hours just seemed to slip away like running water as he carried out his duty.
Just another perfectly normal day in the Crystal Empire.
“Aaaarggghhhhh!”
Flash’s heart made a valiant attempt to jump out his throat. Thankfully, he managed to swallow it back down, but not before he’d leapt into the air and spun around, brandishing his spear at a would-be assassin.
“Holy fuzzbuckets, what the heck was that?” yelped Crit as he whipped his spear back and forth in search of an intruder.
Flash scanned the perimeter, searching for any running guards or signs of trouble, but found none. Aside from the scream reverberating down the hallway, everything looked as peachy as they’d been since the day started. Then, a thought occurred to him, and he slowly turned around to face the heavy doors behind them.
“I… I think it came from in there,” he murmured.
Crit frowned. “It’s supposed to be protected by a Sphere of Silence.”
Flash winced and flattened his ears when another blood-curdling scream pierced the doors and walls. “I’m guessing she’s overloaded the magic runes.”
“Is that even possible?”
“Well, she did spend some time with Princess Luna…”
“Ah. Say no more.”
Shining Armour’s voice filtered through the doors, too. A little muffled, but clear enough that Flash felt certain he could make out his words if he listened carefully. Not that he really wanted to. Apparently, the room had amazing acoustics when not protected by silencing spells.
They gingerly resumed their poses as sentinels, and for a few minutes, everything returned to normal. He could almost pretend that nothing unusual had happened. The birds sang, the wind whistled and—
“Auuuggghhhhh! Celestia damn—aaaarrrghhhh!”
Dust cascaded down from the ceiling.
Shining Armour’s voice followed shortly after. “O—okay, Honey, there’s no need for that kind of language.”
“You don’t tell me what to do, Shiny! Give me your hoof.”
“Umm… don’t you think that maybe it would be better to relax, first?”
A deafening silence enveloped the palace for several moments. They could almost feel the death glare coming through eight inches of solid oak.
“Shining Armour, Dearie, get your perfectly sculpted butt over here and give me your hoof.”
Another stretch of silence.
“But Honey, I—”
“Nnnggggghhh! Shining Armour, give me—Aaargh!—give me your hoof right now, or so help me, you’re sleeping on the crystal couch until Auntie Celestia quits eating cake!”
A muffled whimper came out, followed by silence.
Flash and Crit stood tense for several minutes. By then, the heads of several servants and patrollers had popped out from doors to look in their direction from down the hallway.
“Hnnnggrrrghhh!”
“Honey—eeeeaaagh! Oooh! Ow-ow-ow…”
Flash stifled a giggle when his former Captain’s voice rose to an almost girlish squeal that subsided into muffled yelps. The thought of the horror he must be going through helped with that quite nicely.
“Shiny, quit being such a foal. I’m the one who needs emotional support here!”
A moment later…
“Shiny, it’s just a dislocated cannon; you’ll be fi—Aaarrrghhh!”
“Shouldn’t we be doing something?” asked Critical Strike.
Flash didn’t take his eyes off the curious crowd gathering in the distance. He still had a job to do.
“Like what?”
His partner shrugged. “I don’t know… maybe we should ask if they need anything?”
Flash gave him a flat, half-lidded stare. “Are you suicidal? We were told not to disturb them for anything unrelated, so unless you have a secret degree in midwifery, I’m staying right here where it’s relatively safe.”
Crit shook his head and glanced nervously at the door. “I still don’t like this. I have a feeling the prince will be mad if we didn’t help.”
“If you want to help so much…” He flashed a toothy grin. “You can offer to hold his wife’s hoof for him.”
Crit scrunched his mouth shut and stared straight ahead, still as a statue.
“Okay Honey, just breathe. Ah, hooh, ah, hooh… That’s it, keep the rhythm!”
“Huaaarrrghhh!”
“Hang in there, Honey. Don’t lose your rhythm.”
“I’m—Nngghh—I’m trying!”
“Just keep breathing. Just keep breathing. Just keep breathing, breathing, breathing…” sang Shining Armour.
“Aaagh—hnngggh—aaarrgh! Celestia’s flaming teats!”
“You’re losing your rhythm, Honey. Not that I want to overstep my bounds, but—”
“I’ll overstep your bounds!”
Flash grimaced and shook his head. “Wow. It’s always the nice ones, huh?”
“Tell me about it…”
Time began slipping away once again when Flash’s training kicked in and acclimated him to the intermittent audial assault. Ponies came, curious about the disturbances that shook the crystal palace to its very foundations, and then they hastily retreated whenever Princess Cadance voiced the slightest hint that she needed attention and emotional support.
Nearly two hours later, Flash heard a break in the pattern.
“Shining Armour, tell me honestly. Are you secretly a changeling?”
“Umm, no?”
“Then please tell—Hnnnggaaarrgghhh!—tell me why our foal feels like it’s—Nngggh!—covered in spiky bug plating!”
“You can feel that much in there?”
“Shiny…”
Shining Armour yelped. “I swear, Honey, I’m a unicorn. You foalsat Twily and saw me around all the time, remember?”
Princess Cadance answered with a noncommittal grunt. And a moment later, birds flew out of the trees surrounding the imperial palace when she screamed. “Aaarrggh! Why? What did I do? Aauuugghhh!”
“You married me, Honey.”
“Shining Armour, shut up.”
“Okay, Honey.”
Silence emanated from the chamber.
“Aaagghh! Why are you keeping quiet? Say something!”
“Yes, Honey. I’m right here.”
“I need your hoof again. No, you goofball, the other one! That one’s nicer.”
Flash thought he heard a whimper.
“You got it, Honey.”
“You know, I’m starting to think my brother is full of horse apples,” Crit muttered.
“Ugh, just what are you made of? Get out, you little monster!”
“Honey, our foal isn’t a monster.”
“Yes, he or she is! We’re—Yeaaarrghhh!—we’re naming it Pain in the Flank when I’m done! And I am this close to being done forever!”
“Now, Honey, be reasonable. There’s no need to—wait. Cadance, Cadance! I see it, it’s coming out! Push, Honey, push!”
“Haaaarrghh! Hnnggghh!”
Dust rained from the ceiling.
“There it is! You can do it!”
Princess Cadances heart-rending wail was fit to send fully grown stallions cowering between their mother’s legs. Flash Sentry almost abandoned his post there and then, and only managed to stop himself by imagining what Shining Armour would do to him if he got court-marshalled. He’d almost rather take on a dragon. It didn’t help him with the uncontrollable shivers or his fumbling with his spear, though.
I don’t get paid enough for this…
“Why? Why? Why—Aaarrghh!”
“Hang in there, Honey. It’s time for the final charge!”
“I swear, once it’s out, I’ll get Auntie Celestia to banish it to Uranus!”
“Uh… you don’t really mean that, Honey.”
“Yes—Hnngggh!—yes, I do! Into the darkest depths with it. You just wait and see!”
“Ookay, changing topic now. Just keep at it and it’ll all be over soon.”
“Ooouuaaaaarghh!”
Flash wobbled on his hooves when the palace shook and then blinked. Did he just see cracks appear on the floor? He shook his head and decided that it must’ve just been a trick of the fancy patterns on the marble.
“Shiny, put up a shield.”
“Okay.”
“Not over both of us, idiot. Yourself!”
“Wait, why—”
"Now, Shining Armour!"
The palace rumbled. Flash felt his hairs standing on end when energy emanated from within the chamber.
“Aaaarrghh! Do it now! Now, Shining Armour, I said now!”
Flash Sentry whirled around, as did Critical Strike, and saw the heavy doors rattling like crazy as cracks ran along the wood grain. Brilliant, pink light radiated from underneath it, along with the occasional lightning bolt that clawed its way out. They simply looked at one another, and then dropped their spears as they dashed away and ducked behind the nearest pillar.
“Hnnnggaaarrgghhh!”
Princess Cadance’s voice gradually rose in power, shaking tapestries, portraits and busts off their hooks and stands before it finally ended with a deafening explosion that rocked the palace. Bolts and nails flew out of their holes like missiles as the doors bulged outward and splintered. They didn’t collapse entirely, but nopony would ever consider them worth repairing when they looked like Luna herself had used the Royal Canterlot Voice on them at point-blank range. The fissures had even spread to the stone edges of the doorway.
Glass shattered in the distance, followed by a cacophony of clatters and crashes as just about anything not bolted to the floor decided to go and meet it in the most spectacular fashion possible. Flash’s armour rang and tinkled as debris rained upon it.
Slowly, he got onto all fours and tiptoed back to his post with Crit.
He flinched and leapt back when the doors glowed purple and creaked open, and then relaxed a bit when Shining Armour came limping out with one of his forelegs bent at an unnatural angle. His coat had somehow gotten paler than usual, and his mane and tail looked like he’d signed up to perform for a teen metal concert. Wisps of smoke rose from the red-hot tip of his blackened horn. Despite the haunted look in his eyes, he also had a ghost of a smile pulling up the corners of his mouth.
A foal’s wails echoed out from the chamber, along with Princess Cadance’s cooing. “There, there, Mummy’s right here. Daddy Shiny’s just going to find us a nicer room now!”
“Mission accomplished, Sir?” asked Critical Strike as he saluted.
Shining Armour nodded, shoulders sagging. “Oh yeah. Phew. Go find me somepony who can get a new room ready.”
“Right away, Sir!”
As Crit galloped off, Flash whistled and said, “Wow, Sir. It almost looks like you were the one giving birth.”
He clapped his mouth shut as soon as the words had left, realising his mistake.
Idiot! Why did you say that out loud?
Shining Armour turned towards him slowly. So slowly, that Flash could almost hear his bones creaking like some massive, infernal machine. His pupils had shrunken to merciless pinpricks that almost glowed with arcane energy, and his mouth had twisted into a murderous scowl.
“Say, Lieutenant Sentry. I’ve been hearing all sorts of rumours that you and my little sister are an item. Is that true?”
He gulped and shook his head. “No, Sir. We only bumped into each other a couple of times. I have no idea why ponies won’t shut up about that.”
“Huh. I see.” Shining nodded sagely. Then, his scowl cracked and turned into a gleeful grin. “Would you like to meet her? I’m sure you’ll both get along swimmingly.
“Uh…”
Shining waggled his eyebrows. “Maybe even a little closer than that, hmm? I’m sure your foal will be the cutest thing, and that you will be the most supportive father ever.”
Flash flicked his gaze over to the blast zone and did some mental calculations of Twilight Sparkle’s power relative to Princess Cadance’s. Once done, his bladder requested permission to make an emergency release, which fortunately got denied. The involuntary whimper got past his defences, though.
Shining Armour chuckled and patted him on the back. “Well, you know where to find me. I’ll be in there with my little girl!”
As his prince half-pranced-half-limped back into the room, Flash Sentry repositioned himself by the door and reassumed his watchful stance, staring emptily into the distance.
Yeah, I definitely don’t get paid enough for this.