I would've screamed in pain if my throat hadn't been ripped out. Again. For the umpteenth time. I again was shocked back into the real world, the pain non-existent as if it had never happened.
"What in the name of chaos is going on in there!?", asked Discord.
"I'm being repeatedly killed by monsters of my imagination. And it hurts. Really badly."
"Oh, stop being such a whiner," criticized Sigmund. "I mean, it doesn't hurt that much."
"And how would you know how much it hurts to have your heart ripped out of your chest and stuffed in your ear?"
"Well, um, ya see, uh... no."
"I for one," said the Meat-mare. "Can verify that having that important organ removed and placed in the auditory canal can be," The image of her appearing in my mind licked her lips. "Uncomfortable. I haven't experienced it, but I used to do it. All. The. Time." I shuddered.
"A leeeeeeetle too much information there, MM. I think I'm just gonna sit in this dark corner of my mind and try to avoid any thoughts about you while sucking my thumb."
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Stone crumbled around me. I fell to my knees, exhausted, but breathing.
"I really got muscles. I break out of stone baby!" I stood up and examined my biceps. A glint of light brought my attention to a wand sitting on the edge of the pedestal. I picked it up and gave it an experimental wave. Some grass glowed and morphed into huge green butterflies. "Hmmm... Nah." I waved it again and they all burst into flames and turned to ash. A flash of light was detected by me.
"How did you escape, dragon?"
I whirled around and came face-to-face with Celestia.
"None o' your beeswax. Now, face the awesome power that is me!" I swung my arm forward and a beam of magic shot out from the wand and struck Celestia right in the chest.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!", she screamed as it slammed into her.
What was left was, quite frankly, a large tuber.
"You know what? Your clothes always did look a little tatered and torn." I exploded in laughter. "How about this: To ber, or not to ber? That is the question. By the way, you use way too many clichés. Power of friendship, of love, of harmony. You sound like a six-year old."
"I yam what I yam." I started to roast her with my fire breath. All of a sudden, my subconscious popped up. He bonked me on the head.
"I'm the voice of your subconscious, not your subconscious.(Here lies Wall IV. RIP) Remember that, and then forget you ever heard it."
"I don't think that works out the way you think it does."
"Shut up and get in the portal." I grumbled and stepped into the swirling black vortex, my destination being that endless white room that was now familiar.
"What's next? Me getting beat up again?" He chuckled and shook his head.
"Actually, the reason I had those first training sessions be so painful was to see if you would endure. Now we're going to work with simple training dummies." My heart jumped.
"You mean I don't have to fight against those creepy monsters of my imagination again?"
"I never said that. Just because the beginning was torture doesn't mean it's gonna be Celestia and Pinkie-Pies from now on."
"...Well... Snap."
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A loud booming noise echoed around me. I looked over to my subconsc... I could swear he's looking at me. The voice of my subconscious(whew) and he nodded. A swirl of black appeared and I jumped through, into my more active mind. Discord was standing there. I knocked my fist against his hoof.
"'Sup bro?"
"Visitors are passing. I figured you'd want in on the fun. We always make comments as they pass. It would be funnier if they could hear us, but oh well. C'est la vie. Now come on!"
He smacked my face and my real(real?)-world eyes rolled into position. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a bunch of ponies off in the distance. Sigmund addressed me in his lunatic voice.
"Alright, since you've actually managed to tick off Celestia that easily, we'll let you in on the fun. When somepony passes by, we let loose a world of insulting pain."
"I can do that. I like to annoy people."
The first victim to pass was a lime green pony with a black mane and moustache, nose up in the air as he walked around.
"Does everypony that comes around here act this stuck-up?", I asked my companions.
"Pretty much. Not many others come, perhaps a tourism group or a school field trip, maybe a couple lone sight-seers. That and the princesses, but everypony else, snobs.", responded Discord.
"Well, that's Canterlot for ya. Ooh, here he comes."
The green pony came near us. Now that he was close, I could see that he had a red dollar sign on his flank as his cutie-mark.
"A money mark? Why am I not surprised that a rich dude would have the sign of money?..." The pony stopped and observed us with a contemptuous look.
"Ugh! Why Celestia would put statues of this hideosity in the most beautiful garden of Equestria is beyond me. They are so ugly that they don't even look real. Heavens, this one right here even seems to have the audacity to scowl in the presence of whatever cultured pony comes through here." If looks would kill, the guy would be 6 feet under... 6 thousand feet under, to prevent anyone from digging up the loatheful remains. Discord. Was. Not. Happy.
"I'LL SHOW YOU, SIR EBENEZER SPLIT-PEA GEORGE MICHAEL THE THIRD!!!!" I cut him off.
"Dude, chill. I think I may have a good idea. If he looks at somebody's eyes, do something funky with them. Discord and Siggy can roll 'em around and MM could probably paralyse him." I heard snickers all around.
"Your methods are... interesting, Scales. You have a good idea there." The cocky green snob, still lifting his nose in the air, took a few last looks at us. What he saw, he didn't expect. As he looked into Discord's eyes, the draconequuses pupils swirled around in different directions. He visibly paled and turned to Sigmund, who did the same thing. Turning away from them, he faced the Meat-mare and was shocked by the cold in her eyes. His coat now almost whiter than Celestia's, he slowly swiveled around to me. He calmed down somewhat as my eyes didn't hold much intimidation... Until I let the beast within take over my eyes. The yellow slitted pupils had what I supposed to be a lasting effect on him, as he gasped for breath and fainted.
"Uh... guys? I think we broke him." We mentally blinked.
"Bwahahahahahahaaaahahahahaaaaaaaa *GASP* bahahahahahahahAAAAAAAAhahahahahaa!" Our mental images rolled around and laughed our brains out.
"Did you SEE the look on his face when Scales went all feral?!? That was PRICELESS!!", shouted Sigmund.
"Sigmund, even though I would usually say that we are all laughing because we saw it, I shall have to say that it was quite amusing." Suddenly, Discord stopped laughing.
"Hold the phone one sec. Meat-mare was laughing? The mare that killed ponies for fun was laughing? She's NEVER laughed!" We all sat with our eyes wide open.
"WHO CARES!!! His face was totally unbelievable!", I shouted, starting the guffaws again.
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The day went on. Evidently, it was the day for visiting the gardens, for everyone had been coming non-stop. The faces of the ponies that had found the first one out cold were quite confused, but they carted him along to the nearest hospital. From then on, we made fun of nearly everyone without a hitch, but there were some that I just couldn't bring myself to ridicule. I mean, I'm not so mean that I'm gonna make fun of a cute little reporter taking a couple of pictures of me. I'm not that heartless. Some ponies are just there to have a good time or get a job done, and I couldn't really mock that. It was the nobles that I really liked to mock.
You know a funny thing? Inside a statue, you can't feel or taste external things, but you sure can see, hear, and even smell. An odor somehow wafted up to my nostrils, and I hastily tried to snort it out.
"Hey guys, something smells rotten." I had just finished commenting this when who should come clopping around the corner than everyone's (least) favorite prince, the infamous Blueblood. He obviously had an expensive cologne on, but I could sniff right through it to his core, and boy did it ever stink.
"Your sense of smell is impressive. Usually, people don't smell his stink until he is 20 feet away.", said MM.
"This guy is a..." began Sigmund.
"Lowdown, stuck-up, inconsiderate, rich, pompous jerk?"
"Pretty much."
The arrogant unicorn slowly approached, taking great care to not soil his hooves. He sneered at me.
"So you're the newest addition to the menagerie? Pitiful. I heard that a pony fainted dead away right here on this spot. After seeing you, my decision is clear: It was most definetely the heat and the Meat-mare. You aren't intimidating in the slightest." He continued on in this manner.
"Just my luck. I've got to listen to a prissy stuck-up unicorn who is lecturing me with a monologue. Sheesh. Knock on my brain when we're ready to freak him out, will ya? I'm gonna flip the brain over to Wheel of Torture. Guess who's contestant number one?" I retreated inside my brain, swung the imaginary wheel and started throwing daggers.
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I came back from the dream world after having a very satisfying dream.
"And thus, that concludes why I am superior to you in every way." I couldn't help but stare at him. I checked my internal clock.
'That's... 75 minutes of non-stop bragging... Wow. I'll be doing him a favor, putting him to sleep.'
"Hast thou anything to say, beast?"
"Dude, I'm a statue. I can't talk. But I can still creep you out." I let my eyes roll up to the back of my head. I carefully shifted them till the pupils were below my line of vision, taking care not to let him notice, and slowly raised them. His face was a mix of disgust and fear at how I had seemingly rotated my eyeballs 360°. I took a sadistic delight in his expression and let my eyes rotate on their own, swirling around in their sockets like Ditzy Doo's. Now, Blueblood looked like he was going to either hurl or scream in fear.
My eyes slitted together and became the unearthly yellow. If Blueblood wasn't white before, he sure darn was now. His pupils shrank to pinpricks as my creepy ocular organs stared menacingly at him. A loud knocking sound filled the air, which was soon discovered to be his knees. He fell to the ground daintily and slept like a rock. My eyes slowly reverted back to normal as I observed his unconscious figure.
"What a maroon."
The other visitors to the gardens quickly noticed the downfall of the royal pain, and while most of them immediately rushed over to help him, others simply rolled their eyes. More later than sooner, he was carried off to some other place, presumably to get medical attention.
"Hey Siggy?", I said.
"Hmm?"
"Did we go too far in this?"
"You kiddin'? This is the best day of my life."
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I leaped from tree to tree, doing a midair flip and landing perfectly on a branch. I quickly ducked to avoid a vine being swung at me.
"HAH! You will not get me again, vine number 46! OOF!" I was struck in the back by a branch. I winced.
"Good play, branch number 67." I torched it. The other me appeared.
"You need to greaten your reaction time and your reflexes, to make dodging nearly automatic. It is a very useful skill to have in a fight, and it's even more useful if you do it without thinking." I growled softly.
"Can we do something else? What about martial arts? Can we practice my fighting style?"
"*sigh* Fine." The scene changed to a dusty area with various planks of wood, practice dummies and cement bricks. He picked up a plank and chucked it at me.
"Think fast, Scales!" It struck me full on the nose.
"OW! Y U incapacitate schnozz?" He picked up another plank and tossed it a little slower.
"Come on, break it." I swung a fist down but only managed to smack it down to the dust, perfectly whole.
"Aw, maaaaaan... DOH!" I rubbed my sore head.
"Do ya think you can give a guy a little warning?" He pondered to himself before kicking a brick at my face.
"Nah. Now concentrate all your force into your hand and try to focus it to one spot." My hand struck against the brick and a slight crack appeared in it.
"Not bad. Now do it again." I tried again, with a bit more effort, and succeeded in making a larger crack than before and a small chip in it.
"Sweet! I just broke a bri... OW!" I cradled my jaw in my palm and glared at my torturer.
"Pay attention." He lobbed a few more planks and I jumped, trying to crack them while in the air.
"So I've been meaning to ask you." *Crack*
"Pray tell" *Crack*
"If I'm in my imagination doing all this," *Smash* "Does that mean I need a period of ajustment when I get out?" *Crunch* 'Note to self, wood does not taste good.'
"Maybe a slight one. All that's going on in here is almost perfectly tuned to the outside world. Gravity, mass, density, weight, altitude, strength, speed, it should all be nearly identical." *Smash*
"Okay, I got another question for ya." I landed with a thump. "How did we even get to Equestria? And why me? Why not someone else? Why am I in a different area of the multiverse?"
"That information is classified."
"DON'T YOU EVEN START THAT!!!!"
"Seriously, I can't tell you."
"Can I guess?"
"..."
"..."
"I think so..."
"Okay, let me think... Was it because I died for some reason?"
"Sorta."
"Global scale?"
"Pretty much."
"Planet blew itself apart in anger at humans?" He stared at me.
"You're good."
"I'm not even going to ask how that is possible."
"That's probably for the best. Anyways..." *KAPOW!*
"DOH!"
"Never let your guard down."
"Rassum-Frassum *incoherent growl-speech*"
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From a high hill, a silent figure watched over the gardens.
"From whence dost thou come? What is thine goal? How art thou so able to infuriate Celestia? I will know your secret...", it whispered.
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Okay, this chapter is obviously a filler, and a pretty annoying one to write. I wanted to get it over with, but I couldn't bring myself to approach until now. Well, it's done now, so hopefully that's the last of the chapters like this one. Also, Celestia and Pinkie-Pies? Basic translation: It isn't going to be sunshine and lollipops. I see what I did there. And also, the fourth wall? I just had to break it.
"Why? How could you break my wall? I'm going to get you for this!"
Pinkie? Oh crud. Well, I'll see ya next time. Unless Pinkie kills me. And makes me into cupcakes. And feeds me to you. Great, now I'm gonna have nightmares.
"You bet your hide you're gonna have nightmares! I'm gonna rip out your spleen and introduce it to your liver!"
Must we be so graphic, Pinks?
"*eyes narrow*"
Uh-oh. Is that a medieval torture device? Right next to the shark tank? *squeak*