My little girl... Element of Loyalty... My little girl… Element of Loyalty...
Discord continued staring into nothing, his mind on loop. How could this happen? He had only left his eyes off Screwball for one hour between being cast in stone! Why this horrifying result?! She was too young to date — she was barely 2020, the majority of that spent in stone! Besides, of all the possibly creatures in Equestria, why did she have to–
"Hi, Dad." Screwball floated through the room. Passing by the table, she casually glanced at the bracelet and picked it up. "Nice! Dash finally got the guts to talk to you," she said, putting it on her left forehoof. It fit perfectly.
That's it! I'm going to give her a piece of my mind! No daughter of mine is dating an Element of Harmony!
"How goes the wooing of the Element of Kindness?" Screwball asked, just as the draconequus opened his mouth.
"Wha... huh?" He barely managed to say, totally unprepared for the question.
"That's nice," the chaos pony said absentmindedly, still mesmerized by the bracelet. "I like Fluttershy. She'll make a cool stepmom. Anyway, I must be off." She floated towards the window. "I'll be cloud-swimming, so don't wait up. And please don't read any more scrolls before going to sleep. You know you'll have a hangover in the morning."
And with that she was gone. Discord remained motionless for a few more moments, staring in disbelief at the open window, then, furiously, grabbed another scroll.
"No one tells me what to do!" He grumbled under his breath and started reading.
Dear Discord,
Not cool, bro. I had everything set up – gems, roses, candlelight dinner, romantic music even, and you start confusing me again. Just when things were starting to look up. You knew, didn't you? I had a shot at this, but nooo, you had to mess things up. Just because I thought you were cool that one time doesn't mean anything. You are part dragon! I really don't think of you as a thing special other than that.
Curse you, Discord! I thought I had moved past this, that it was a stupid phase, but you really, like really, messed me up. What am I supposed to tell Twilight now? What am I going to tell Rarity? I still love her, bro. She's like the only mare I have had a crush on. Like, she's so perfect, that I forget about her being a mare and all. Now that you've told my secret to the world, fat chance of her looking at me the same way again.
Your jokes really stink! How long do you think before everypony in Ponyville figures it out?! Like seriously! I could hear them now. They will start asking, how come I didn't have a crush on anyone while I was in Canterlot, surrounded by mares. It's not that I can help it. It just is. I like cooking, cleaning and all that, because I'm faminane fimin girly. And because of your letters the secret's out! Gee, thanks Discord! Now every time I buy a doughnut, or trade hoofball cards with Big Mac, or even talk to a stallion, ponies will be whispering things!
Heck, I wasn't even supposed to be at the Gala! I only sneaked there for a second, and you had to see me! Oh, and Celestia is really over you. I heard her talk to Luna once, while I was at the palace. Princess Luna was going on about you not deserving to be set free for another thousand years. Did you notice that she is rarely where you are at? I wondered why. Guess now I know.
Oh, and I don't have a crush on you! Nope, no and no! You are so not my type! Besides you are all old and stuff! To be honest, there is somepony I might fancy almost as much as Rarity, but I'm not talking about that now!
Listen, is there a way for you to, like, snap your fingers and have everypony forget all this happened? I know Twilight might have such a spell, but if I ask her she'll be like "why do you need it?" If I answer, she'll think I have a crush on you, and if I don't, she'll still think I have a crush on you. Besides, she's pretty useless right now — just an hour ago, I saw her sighing secretly over a picture of you, it almost creeped me out. I'm not the one telling her you aren't into mares, though. No way! I have enough problems I must deal with.
I really can't believe the lengths you have gone through to hide your true nature. And I thought I had problems. Bro, it's ok. We live in modern times now! You didn't have to have two kids, or keep the secret for thousands of years, just so others don't think badly of you. My problem is that I'm still figuring things out. Maybe I'll like mares when I grow up, maybe I won't. You are ageless! If you can't come to terms with who you are, then you have some serious issues to work out. (Look, I know this sea serpent you might really like. Met him at a wedding, and I think you two could pull it off great. Just let me know if you're interested, and I'll introduce you to him.)
Also, stop with the brown, already! I paint myself brown on a dare and you go making assumptions. It was a one time thing. I hate brown! Not like wood and such, but the general brown.
Or maybe you can send another flood of letters saying it was all a joke or such? April's fool is just a day away, so you can say you started a day early?
Say a big "hi" to Screwball for me. Haven't seen her much since the library exploded. She's fun, though (and no, I don't have a crush on her either!). And have the stomach to tell her the truth about yourself, at least!
—Spike - Twilight's Number 1 Assistant
Slowly, Discord rolled up the scroll.
"Apparently," he set it on fire with one of his claws, "I am into stallions now..."