Trixie and Twilight appeared on the Apple Family doorstep in a purple flash of light. “I’m glad the tests came back negative.”
Trixie snapped her head to Twilight. “Negative? The foal failed the tests? It’s not even born yet, how can—”
“Relax, Trixie. The foal is fine. Negative means the tests didn’t find anything. Positive is bad, negative is good. You wouldn’t want the tests to find you positive for Rubella or Syphilis.” Twilight pushed the front door open without knocking. Trixie waddled in behind Twilight, closing the door behind her.
“Oh no, Trixie is negative she doesn’t have Syphilis. No wait! Trixie is positive she’s got Syphilis! No-no-no, that can’t be right. Why do these medical tests have to be so backwards?”
Twilight and Trixie stopped in the Apples’ living room. Granny Smith was knitting in her rocking chair, with Apple Bloom and Big Mac nearby. “What in tarnation?! Ya got th’ pox?!”
“Trixie is absolutely negative she doesn’t not have no silly pox!” Trixie shot back. She leaned closer to Twilight and whispered in her ear, “That mean’s Trixie is clean, yes?”
Big Mac shook like a leaf and looked at his own flank. “What’s th’ pox?” Apple Bloom asked.
Twilight nodded and said aloud, “Yes, Trixie. You’re clean. I’m positive.”
Trixie’s pupils shrank to pinpricks. “You’re… positive?”
There was a knock at the front door. Granny Smith glared at Trixie while she said, “Big Mac, git the door. Apple Bloom, fetch some sweet tea from th’ kitchen; we got visitors.” Looking at Trixie and Twilight, she mumbled under her breath, “Too many, Ah reckon.”
Trixie smiled and said, “I’m an Apple now, I shall receive our guests.” She turned and opened the door.
“…And she’s got a nice family. I’m sure they’ll—” Sweetie Belle stood on the welcome mat with her parents behind her. Hondo held a broken wagon wheel on his back. Their eyes grew wide as they stared at Trixie standing in the doorway. “AHHH it’s—”
“Trixie Lulamoon, at your service,” Trixie said pleasantly. “Shortly to be Trixie Lulamoon Apple. Would you like to enter our humble domicile?”
”Hi Sweetie Belle!” Apple Bloom called from behind Big Mac. “Trixie’s got poxie!”
“Ah said git, you!” Granny Smith said to Apple Bloom, pointing to the kitchen. She turned to the visitors and called out, “Well don’t jus’ stand there, c’mon in.”
“Thank you. I’m Cookie Crumbles, and this is my husband, Hondo Flanks. We been havin’ a liddle trouble here. I told Hondo not to gallop too fast, but he’s just a hunk ya can’t keep down!” Cookie winked at Hondo while she gestured to the broken wagon wheel on his back.
Hondo smirked behind his moustache. “You seem like a nice, well-spoken mare. Think you can help me fix this?”
Granny Smith scowled when she realized Hondo spoke to Trixie instead of… anypony else. Twilight poked her head around Trixie and Big Mac. “I’m sorry, Trixie can’t be doing manual labor. While I’m sure she’s more than capable and experienced with fixing wagon wheels, she’s pregnant. Therefore, I cannot in good conscience allow—”
Cookie let out a squeal that belonged to a high school filly. “Oh darlin’, you’re pregnant! You know all about keepin’ a nice flat surface for the foal to sleep on, and how ta calm a colicky foal, and the latest teatfeeding techniques, yeah? If you don’t teatfeed for at least a year, your foal will just die!” Cookie put a foreleg around Trixie’s neck and held her close, like an old friend.
“Trixie thought she’d just feed the foal some formula. Trixie has important things to—”
”FORMULA?! Do you know what that could do to your foal? She could get fat, get a learnin’ disabiliddy, and get allergic to good food after she gets big!”
“Oh, Trixie didn’t know—”
“And her poop’ll stink! You don’t want stinky poop, do ya? Why not have nice-smelling diapers?”
The thought of dirty diapers made Trixie scowl. “Trixie cannot imagine a dirty diaper will ever be considered nice.”
“But most importantly, your foal could die! Oh, just the thought of SIDS makes me want to cry.” Cookie led Trixie to the couch and they sat down, Cookie still holding Trixie with one foreleg.
Twilight quietly sat on Trixie’s other side, while Hondo stood behind Cookie. Big Mac stood behind Trixie, silent, as usual. Apple Bloom trotted into the living room, carrying a pitcher of iced sweet tea on her back. “Does anypony want some homemade sweet tea ta wet yer whistle?” she asked.
“I do,” said everypony, because southern homemade sweet tea might as well be made of hoof jobs and fairies and nopony in the room was completely insane. Granny Smith nodded and cracked a smile for the first time this evening as she watched her guests receive drinks like civilized ponies.
Sweetie Belle was the last pony to get her glass filled. Before she received any ambrosia/sweet tea, Cookie snatched her up in her magic and placed her in Trixie’s lap. “Now Sweetie Belle, I need you to act like a nice foal fer Trixie, all right?”
Trixie and Sweetie Belle looked at each other, fear in their eyes, although for different reasons. “Please don’t make me pull a carriage without wheels. I’m only a little filly!” Sweetie Belle whispered, tears in her eyes.
“Th-This isn’t necessary! Trixie doesn’t need to learn to teatfeed.”
Twilight looked on with interest, her eyes wide. Hondo sighed and nudged Big Mac in the ribs. “Quite a sight, eh? Plus, you don’t have worry ‘bout feedin’ the little one this way.”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac replied.
Cookie scoffed. “Nonsense, how will you teatfeed properly if you don’t learn? We need to start you on some multivitamins so you’ll lactate like a true dam once the foal is born.”
Trixie and Big Mac blushed. “Th-The Great and Powerful Trixie already knows how to teatfeed.”
“Oh, do ya? That’s wonderful! How many foals do you have?”
“Trixie has…” The Nervous and Shifty Trixie glanced at Granny Smith, who raised an eyebrow. “…never had a foal before.” It felt weird telling the truth when lying would get you something for free.
“Then you don’t really know how to teatfeed, trust me. Now, just hold up the foal’s head with one hoof and hold her with the other. It helps if you put a blanket or towel under the foal to prevent any spills. Then, gently push her head to your teat, and let nature do the rest,” Cookie said with a breathy sigh.
Sweetie Belle quivered as Trixie obeyed. “Huh? I can hear something in there,” Sweetie Belle said after a moment. She pressed her ear to Trixie’s ample belly. “It sounds like— gyah!” Sweetie Belle’s head violently tilted sideways, away from Trixie.
“No-no-no, keep the foal’s mouth on your teat. Foals need all the help they can get,” Cookie supplied. “Be a good little filly, Sweetie.”
“Oh…” Trixie said with a grimace.
“I’m not a foal! And I don’t wanna get kicked in the head again,” Sweetie Belle whined.
Trixie wilted under Cookie’s gaze, and gingerly pushed Sweetie Belle’s head to her stomach again. “Oh, this isn’t so bad.”
Cookie smiled and nodded. “Now just a little practice. Sweetie Belle, if you please.”
Sweetie Belle’s eyes went wide. “Wh-What? I’m not— ahhhh!” Her head violently tilted away from Trixie’s belly again.
Cookie cooed, “Oh, isn’t that wonderful? Your foal is kicking. Have you started a kick count?”
“A what?” Trixie asked.
“I’m already on it; six in the last half-hour,” Twilight supplied.
“Perhaps we can practice teatfeeding with a doll. Something that won’t mind getting kicked in the head,” Cookie suggested.
Sweetie Belle rubbed her head. “Yeah, leave me out of it.”
“Awww, it’s just a little foal. It’s not gonna hurt you, Sweetie,” Hondo said with a chuckle.
“It already did…” Sweetie Belle mumbled, as she gratefully jumped down from Trixie’s lap.
“Where’s Apple Bloom?” Big Mac asked.
Apple Bloom bounded down the stairs with a ragged pony doll in her mouth. She placed it on Trixie’s lap. “Here ya go, Smartypants’ll help ya.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Where did you get that?”
“Big Mac’s room,” Apple Bloom replied. Big Mac blushed.
“Now just hold her head near your teat and keep her head supported. Good… good… You’ll feel like a real mare when this happens. Why don’t you give her a massage, to simulate the experience?” Cookie asked Big Mac.
“Razzam-frazzam modern nonsense,” Granny Smith mumbled, glaring as Big Mac put his hooves on Trixie’s shoulders and did as ordered.
“Teatfeeding will create a better generation of ponies in the future,” Cookie said with a nod.
Twilight smiled. “I didn’t know it was that important.”
“The benefits are numerous. It starts on day one. Teatfeeding will help the foal pass the meconium,” Cookie expounded.
Trixie tilted her head at Cookie. “Meconium? Hmm… Trixie doesn’t know what that is, but it sounds like a nice word. Maybe I should name the foal Meconium?”
Twilight made a sound as if she’d swallowed her own tongue. Coughing and shaking her head vigorously she cleared her throat. “Uh… please don’t give the foal that name…”
“Don’t be silly, it’s perfectly natural,” Cookie said, as Twilight rolled her eyes. “Teatfeeding will make your foal sleep better, too.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Really? I read that a fuller stomach from formula will—”
“When can the Great and Powerful Trixie use formula, so that Trixie can get her beauty sleep?”
Cookie looked as if she’d been slapped. “You can’t use formula! Teatfeeding will lead to an Equestria of peace! It’ll prevent all wars!”
“What?” Trixie said, tilting her head at Cookie.
Even Twilight coughed at that. “Um… I don’t think teatfeeing can prevent war. You might be overselling the benefits of—”
“That’s what the top doctors said! You wouldn’t argue with the top medical minds of the day, would ya?!” Cookie almost shouted. She frothed at the mouth, her bloodshot eyes staring at Trixie. “You hafta teatfeed! You have to! And ya can’t stop ‘til the foal weans herself! Sweetie Belle, you sure you’re finished teatfeedin’? Mommy is here for ya!”
Sweetie Belle spat out her drink into Apple Bloom’s face. “I’m not teatfeeding again! That’s for foals! Besides, you said I could decide when to stop, and I did! Six months ago!”
Apple Bloom looked at Sweetie Belle, her mane dripping. “Ain’t you eleven years old?”
Sweetie Belle blushed furiously and replied, “Yeah…”
“Obesity! Stupidity! Allergies! Death! War!” Cookie screamed at Trixie. “The four horses of the apocalypse!”
Twilight pursed her lips and counted silently. “I don’t think those are the five horses to bring about the end times.”
Applejack opened the front door. “Ah got th’ wagon outside fixed. Yer welcome. What’s this ‘bout the final reckonin’?” she asked nervously.
Hondo massaged Cookie’s shoulders, which did nothing to stop her frothing. “C’mon honey, it’s time we moved along. Rarity’s expecting Sweetie Belle before dinner, and we don’t want to be late.”
“Yeah, can we go, please?” Sweetie Belle asked.
Hondo led Cookie and Sweetie Belle out. Cookie barked single words at Trixie, including “teatfeeding,” “peace,” and “obligation.”
Once the front door closed on them, Trixie sighed into Big Mac’s hooves and said, “That does it. Trixie is convinced. We’re using formula, I don’t want the foal to grow up insane.”
Twilight laughed nervously. “I don’t think teatfeeding will make the foal insane, and it’s true that teatfeeding is natural and healthier for the foal.”
Trixie eyed Twilight. “And what experience do you have with it?”
Twilight blushed. “Uh… well…”
“Should Ah be teatfeedin’, Applejack?” Apple Bloom asked.
“What in tarnation did y’all talk about?!” Applejack replied, her hat jumping off her head.