//------------------------------//
// Fortress, Sweet, Fortress 
// Story: Bad Dude And The Coalition Of United Terrible Evils 
// by naturalbornderpy 
//------------------------------//

In the middle of a sunny Saturday afternoon, Bad Dude laid across his bed with an open comic book in hoof. Each time he glimpsed another Power Ponies character clobber another bad guy, he made the accompanying sound effect and even shook the issue with his hooves as if to add a visual flair.
                
Then he flipped to the next page and gasped.
                
“That’s… not right,” he muttered uneasily, his forehead heavily lined.
                
It was in his Power Pony’s issue forty-seven (one he’d read time and again featuring the awesome Mane-iac); only this time Discord had been drawn in her place, although with the same costume she was usually clad in.
                
The picture of Discord turned to face Bad Dude. “What? Don’t think I could pull it off?”
                
“I…” Bad Dude started, quickly realizing he was talking to a comic book. “I dunno.”
                
The Discord drawing shook his head. “Well, it’s high time you get your head out of comic books and take a look at what I made, boss. I must say, it’s pretty neat!”
                
“I like neat things! Ask anyone!” Bad Dude exclaimed, before his comic book burst into smoke and the living, breathing Discord revealed himself in his room. Discord loudly stretched out his back, his horns nearly scraping the short ceiling once he stood up straight again.
                
Bad Dude grimaced. “You know you’re not supposed to be here, Discord. My parents… well, they really don’t think you’re a very good influence on me… or on anyone for that matter.”
                
Discord rolled his eyes. “Oh, what terrible news—a stallion who makes donuts for a living doesn’t think I’m all that and a bag of hay fries? I think I’ll survive.” Out of nowhere, Discord pulled out Bad Dude’s royal blue cape and flung it to him. “Here, put this on.”
                
Bad Dude did as he was directed and stood up on his bed. “We going somewhere?”
                
“Sure are, and thankfully not far.” Discord strolled around the room in a small circle before stopping in front of Bad Dude’s tiny closet. He snapped his fingers. “And here we go! I knew we’d find it eventually.”
                
Bad Dude raised a brow. “My closet? It’s really not all that interesting, really; a couple of extra aprons and my hockey pads and—”
                
Bad Dude’s words died on his tongue when Discord opened his closet and shoved past a row of hangers and shirts. What awaited him on the other side was a dimly hit stone hallway with burning torches hanging on the walls.
                
Bad Dude came to stand beside Discord. “That’s new. You think my parents remodeled the house when I was at school?”
                
With a loud smack, Discord pressed his lion’s paw to his face. “No, Bad Dude. Somehow I don’t think that’s the case. This is the entrance to our secret hideout. Get it? Pretty neat, right?”
                
Bad Dude gasped from the sudden realization. “Oh, wow! Our own secret base and everything!? How does it work? It doesn’t look all that big.”
                
Using a thin eagle’s claw, Discord pointed up the darkened hallway. “This is only your entrance to the hideout, Bad Dude. You stroll down the hall a good few meters and you’re in like Flynn.”
                
Bad Dude looked up at him. “Who’s Flynn?”
                
“A colt that sadly perished by asking too many questions.”
                
Bad Dude’s mouth popped open. “Did he get dehydrated or something by asking all those questions?”
                
Discord shut his eyes with a growl. “Just get in the closet.”
 

***


 

Bad Dude couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Everywhere he turned, he ended up gasping again. Everywhere he looked, he had to strain his eyes to take in everything he was seeing. It was like one of his comic books—only real—and best of all it was all his and his villain friends’.
                
The short hallway leading from his bedroom’s closet ended a few meters in and fed into a large and lush living room. Rectangular carpets of blue, red, and green covered grey stone floors; cushy sofas and chairs had been set around the room and four roaring fireplaces filled the immense area with warmth and the faint popping sound of crackling wood. Large banners adorned the walls above the fireplaces, written in some script that Bad Dude couldn’t understand.
                
In a room adjoining the main area was a games room stocked with pinball machines, a ping pong and air hockey table, and what looked like a lavish coffee bar set up in the corner. Bad Dude stuck out his tongue at the coffee bar’s many shiny bells and whistles. He was more of a chocolate milk fan.
                
As amazing as all this was, what made Bad Dude at a loss for words was the simple view outside each tall, arched window—that of the cloudy, blue sky from thousands of feet in the air. After Bad Dude ventured a look to the ground oh, so far below, he asked Discord, “So… this whole place is… floating?”
                
“Or flying. Or hovering. Or whatever you want to call it.” Discord came to stand beside him and gaze out the window. “A floating fortress sounded like the best option available. Well-protected like a castle, but also hard to find and attack.”
                
“What about if some pegasus should happen to fly into it?” Bad Dude asked.
                
“Unlikely, Bad Dude,” Discord replied. “This fortress randomly changes locations every twenty minutes—and should someone come across it randomly? Well, we’ll deal with that when the time comes.”
                
Bad Dude took another glance at the ground far down below. “What happens if one of us falls off this thing?”
                
Discord pulled on his beard. “Another security measure. This place comes with an ‘evil’ indicator reading. If someone with pure nastiness running through their veins should happen to tumble off, a spell will catch them and shoot them directly inside the broom closet.”
                
Bad Dude’s eyes widened again. “Whoa! And you’re sure it’ll work?”
                
Discord shrugged. “I dunno. I just put the down payment on the place a day ago. Let’s see what happens.”
                
Without warning, Discord scooped Bad Dude up from the floor and chucked him out the window. Like a cartoon, Bad Dude hung in the air just long enough for Discord to give him a wave goodbye before he began plummeting towards the earth.
                
Bad Dude yelped and flung his hooves in all directions to no avail. His cape and mane rippled around in the harsh breeze and the ground below began to catch up to him. Then everything went dark with a slight moldy smell.
                
Discord rushed open the door to the broom closet Bad Dude was now standing in. “Have fun?” he asked mildly.
                
Bad Dude shook his head, his lips pulled thin. His face was a lot paler than before.
                
“Well, that’s what you get for asking too many questions, Bad Dude.”
                
When Discord started down another hall, Bad Dude hurried after him, a new thought on his mind. “You said that only ponies with ‘pure nastiness’ in them would be caught. Does that mean I’m actually a really awesome villain?”
                
Discord chuckled dryly. “Oh, that. Afraid not. I also told the fortress to catch any colts with capes it happens to see. Luckily your cape didn’t come undone while you fell, eh?”
                
Bad Dude frowned. “That wasn’t very nice, Discord.”
                
“I know… but it sure was hilarious!”
                
Bad Dude sighed and tried for a different subject. “So where is everyone else?”
                
Discord stopped to kneel down to him. “Everyone else? Well, you need to go get them, of course.”
 

***


 

Helping him to stand, Bad Dude used himself as a crutch to assist King Sombra out from his small rock prison. Sombra took long, slow steps and even slower steps once out in the arctic air and knee-high snow. Bad Dude had been thoughtful enough to bring a spare blanket along to wrap around Sombra’s back—even with that, he shuddered in the elements like a leaf.
                
“You don’t look so good,” Bad Dude told him earnestly.
                
“I’m not,” Sombra wheezed back. “Ever since you came and spoke to me, I’ve barely slept. All I’ve been thinking about is revenge—sweet, sweet revenge. I can almost taste it, I can.”
                
Bad Dude glanced at him. “What’s revenge taste like?”
                
“Mint chocolate-chip ice cream.”
                
Bad Dude nodded. “That’s what I thought. Oddly specific, too.”
                
Arriving at the lip of the cliff overlooking the valley below, Sombra exhaled in surprise and collapsed onto his plot. His mouth hung ajar as he looked over the floating castle-like fortress before him.
                
He wearily turned to Bad Dude. “This… this is yours?”
                
Bad Dude nodded happily. “Uh-huh! Pretty cool, huh? And, actually, it’s ours.”
                
“My word…” Sombra croaked. “Honestly, I had somewhat believed this all to be a trick—the Princesses latest scheme to force love and friendship into my tortured soul, thus killing me for good—but seeing this…” A shark-like grin ate his face. “Things are looking up, aren’t they, my Prince?”
                
Bad Dude giggled. “Let’s get you inside and warmed up.” He turned towards the floating fortress. “Discord! I’ve got Sombra! You can open up now!”
                
From the top of the fortress, Bad Dude could hear a trapdoor slam open before Discord lazily strolled to the edge of the roof. With his hands on the railing, he stared down at them (and mostly at Sombra) as if studying some new strain of bacteria.
                
Discord shouted down to Bad Dude, “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want him anymore. I heard his mother was a parasprite and his father smelt of rotten zap apples!”
                
By Bad Dude’s side, Sombra growled deep in his throat. “Tis a lie!”
                
Discord seemed not to care. “I giggle maniacally in your general direction, good sir!” Then he started to do just that—laughing and laughing until tears were pouring down his face. Once he was finished, he looked at Sombra again. “Now go away, before I annoy you a second time.”
                
His lips curling into a snarl, Sombra spun his head to Bad Dude. “This is who you want to work with? Him? Him?”
                
Bad Dude gulped dryly. “Umm… he’s a lot nicer than he seems, honest! I mean… he just needs some time to warm up to you, is all, I promise! Please, just… don’t go away yet, okay?”
                
“Not like I have much of a choice,” Sombra grumbled aloud. “Either whither away and die in a cave or whither away and die in a fortress controlled by a clown. At least in the second scenario, there’s always a chance I murder Discord before dying.”
                
Bad Dude surprised him with a hug. “See? I knew you’d find reason to stick around!”
                
Sombra flashed the mildest of grins and patted Bad Dude on the head, before his eyes shot open and his mouth dropped.
                
“Lowering the tube!” Discord bellowed from up above. “Remember to duck and roll, Sombra!”
                
“Wha—” was as far as Sombra got before he was sucked up into the air and pulled into some bendable glass tube that connected into the fortress’ front wall. Bad Dude winced as he watched poor Sombra travel inside of it, screaming curse words that must’ve been too ancient for him to fully understand. Although Discord had mentioned to “duck and roll” while riding the tube, Sombra did not heed his advice and instead bounced around inside the glass interior, slamming his head and muzzle and leaving scuff marks everywhere.
                
Less than ten seconds after being sucked off the ground, Sombra was deposited inside. That left Bad Dude staring up at Discord with the angriest expression he could muster.
                
“Why’d you do that!?” Bad Dude trumpeted.
                
Discord shrugged. “I dunno.”
                
“What happened to the stairs? Since when did we get a tube?”
                
“Since I made one,” Discord replied, before he pulled on a large red lever by his side. “Duck and roll, kiddo!”
                
“Dis—” was as far as Bad Dude got before he, too, was sucked inside the tube. Taking Discord’s advice, he tucked all of his legs in and closed his eyes, forming a tight knit ball; not once did he touch the edges of the tube. Feeling the warmth from inside the fortress touch his face, Bad Dude pried open his eyes and found himself safe on solid ground again. Or… fluffy ground, at least.
                
Bad Dude stared at the floor with a gasp. “Oh, sorry, Sombra. I thought you were a carpet.”
                
The sprawled out tyrannical King below him gave a cough and a groan. “Obviously.”
 

***


 

Discord’s mischievous attitude was soon taken down a peg when Chrysalis and a few well-chosen drones flew into the fortress without the need to be harassed. Begrudgingly, Discord snapped himself up a blue and silver suit with matching hat and began showing everyone around the place.
                
Discord motioned to a dark and twisting passage that led somewhere underneath the fortress. Its walls were venomous green and, even from the doorway, the ambiance inside was eerie. It reminded Bad Dude of Chrysalis’ real hive lair right away.
                
“I take it this will be my quarters, then?” Chrysalis asked evenly, giving short looks to the trio of changelings she brought along with her. She stuck her head inside the dark and damp cave and gave a curt nod. “It will do. I will not bring all my children here, but as many as I can spare—along with these three, of course.”
                
As they walked along another hallway, Chrysalis’ three changeling children wouldn’t stop staring at Bad Dude. Trying not to make a scene, Bad Dude tried to ignore them as best he could. Was there a reason they were following him so closely?
                
“And here we have the Hall of Fame,” Discord announced, holding his arms out wide. “Or would it be the Hall of Shame? Anyone? Anyone gotta answer to that?”
                
The Hall of Fame ended up being a length of grey stone wall fitted with numerous grand paintings of each of the villains. Some were just a headshot of the individual, while others depicted them during their times of battle or victory. Bad Dude followed the gold-framed paintings from left to right, taking them all in. There was Chrysalis in a heated battle against Celestia… Sombra standing on his balcony overlooking his massive Crystal Empire… there was Bad Dude perched on a throne that matched his cape—a cookie in a hoof and a smile on his face. Lastly, there was Discord… sitting on a thick white cloud while his fingers controlled strings attached to ponies below.
                
But wasn’t someone missing?
                
“Where’s Tirek?” Bad Dude asked, completely derailing Discord’s latest talking point.
                
Discord giggled. “Oh, didn’t you see?”
                
Bad Dude shook his head. “No.”
                
Discord glanced at them all. “Has no one used the washroom, yet?” With a mighty kick, Discord thrust open a wooden door on the other side of the hall, revealing a cramped room with one white toilet and one matching white sink. Above the toilet was another grand painting with a golden frame—one of Tirek fully charged and in the midst of taking a rainbow-colored blast of energy to the jaw. He held his hands to his cheeks while a speech bubble screamed, “OW! MY FACE!”
                
Chrysalis snorted once she caught sight of it. “Did he really say that?”
                
Discord hung an arm around her. “He sure did, all right. Written in his autobiography and everything.”
                
Angrily, Bad Dude stomped his hooves along the stone floor. “This is no way to treat a fellow teammate, Discord! Tirek deserves a place on the wall just like everyone else!”
                
Discord cocked a bushy brow. “Whatever do you mean, Bad Dude? Tirek is on the wall. The washroom wall. And I don’t know about you, but nothing helps me get focused in the washroom like pictures of stupid goat-face over there.”
                
Chrysalis chuckled again. “Goat-face… washroom humor… this is fun already.”
                
“I was even thinking,” Discord added, “this could be his throne room, too. It’s sparkling clean, isn’t it?”
                
Discord laughed to himself until he took full notice of Bad Dude’s current mood. Like a drill slowly pressed into his chest, Discord’s expression went from jolly to moody to down right pained.
                
“Fine!” Discord declared, pinching the bridge of his nose with his claws. “Have it your way, you little mound of fluff…”
                
Another snap of his fingers and the Hall of Fame expanded another four feet and a fifth painting was set up—this one of a weakened Tirek in a cloak with his arms held upwards triumphantly. It would’ve almost been nice… if Discord hadn’t had made the point-of-view from behind Tirek instead of in front of him. Still, for now it would have to do.
                
Next up was a single door that led to a winding staircase that climbed so far up above, Bad Dude couldn’t even make out its top. When Discord showed off the ridiculous set of stairs, he narrowed his eyes at Sombra. “This leads to your quarters. You like?”
                
Gingerly, Sombra felt the first step with one of his hooves. “Obviously.”
                
“Splendid,” Discord replied dryly. “Because I wouldn’t change it even if you didn’t.”
                
Leaving the staircase behind, Sombra ran a hoof along his unkempt face and mane. “Where’s the closest shower and razor? I wish to make myself respectable before we begin our first venture.”
                
Discord roughly hooked an arm under one of his legs and dragged him onwards. “Come on, King Stinky. I’ll show you where it is.”
                
With both of them gone, that left Bad Dude and Chrysalis to their own devices; and, after strolling for a time, they both settled down on one of the living room’s large, plush sofas.
                
“You actually delivered,” Chrysalis remarked with a nod. “I must say I am surprised… but also glad. Things are about to become very interesting in Equestria, aren’t they?”
                
Bad Dude smiled from the compliment. “Sure are!”
                
A pregnant pause followed while neither of them knew what to say next. Eventually, Chrysalis gave a sigh and rested her head on a hoof. “He’s not exactly what I was expecting.”
                
Bad Dude didn’t understand. “What? Who, Discord?”
                
“No. Sombra,” Chrysalis clarified. “I heard stories about him… about what he did. He always seems so sure of himself and strong—very interesting fellow, to be sure.” She flashed the tiniest of smiles, making her seem much younger than she looked. “You may have noticed I’m quite attached to royalty. Being a Queen, you can’t help it. Perhaps that’s why I tried to take Prince Shining Armor first—he was sure of himself and strong, also. Well, not that strong mind you. His mind crumpled quite easily once I got a hold of him.”
                
Bad Dude furrowed his brows trying to understand. “So what’s wrong with Sombra, exactly?”
                
Chrysalis snorted again. “Where to begin? No cape, no crown—random bits of debris in his mane. Has he been homeless ever since losing his empire?”
                
“Sort of,” Bad Dude tried to explain. “He’s basically been living in a cave for a while… but he’s really cool and really smart! Honest!”
                
Chrysalis sighed. “Remains to be seen, but let me introduce you to the changelings I brought along.”
                
Shuffling themselves to look behind the sofa, Bad Dude and Chrysalis scanned over the trio of younger changelings that had been following them around during the tour. Bad Dude had a sneaking suspicion they’d been waiting there ever since they sat down.
                
“These are…” Chrysalis began, before stopping. “Actually, it doesn’t really help if I tell you their names; you’d never be able to pronounce them without having holes in your vocal cords. So, for now, call them whatever you’d like.”
                
Bad Dude felt a little uneasy about the three changelings staring up at him. “But why? Why’d you bring them along?”
                
Chrysalis almost appeared a little taken back by that. “Why, they’re your personal assistants, of course. I’ll also make sure they tidy around the base when they aren’t following your orders, but… whatever you want them to do, they will do so.” She slid across the couch so her next sentence wouldn’t be overheard. “These three have also taken quite a liking to you, Bad Dude, ever since you came by for a visit with those sumptuous donuts of yours. You could always reward them with hints of affection, too—just not too much. Don’t want three pleasantly plump changelings waddling around the place, do we?”
                
When Chrysalis smiled, Bad Dude did the same. Then he faced the trio of changelings on the floor again and felt his smile fade away. “Now what could I call you?” he asked himself.
                
He tried to think of something easy to remember—three of something would work best.
                
Bad Dude hitched in a breath when it hit him—one of his favorite games to play with his father when business was slow.
                
He pointed at each one in turn. “Tic… Tac… Toe! How does that sound?”
                
The three changelings gave each other a hurried glance, before nodding in approval. Still, they continued to look up at him with interest.
                
“What are they waiting for?” Bad Dude asked Chrysalis.
                
“For an order, of course,” she told him lightly.
                
“Oh…” Bad Dude had to think again. He guessed a big part of super villainy was the ability to order others around. Now as his first order as the nefarious Bad Dude, what should he be asking for?
                
With a hoof, he pointed at Tic. “I want three cookies on a plate, please.”
                
The changeling nodded and scurried away.
                
Then Tac. “And a big glass of milk.”
                
After receiving his order, the second changeling disappeared up a hallway.
                
“And… uhh…” Bad Dude didn’t know what else he wanted. Too bad. The last remaining changeling was staring at him anxiously with his large, beady eyes, beginning to fidget on the spot. Bad Dude eventually told him, “And a napkin, too! Bad Dude is bound to make a mess!”
                
The last changeling took to the air with his paper-thin wings and soon disappeared to another place inside the fortress. Bad Dude only hoped it would take them a while to find the place’s kitchen area and pantry, in case he had to come up with even more orders for them to do.
                
“Now I feel better,” Sombra announced, exiting from a doorway at the edge of the living room area. Wrapped around his mane was a towel, while his fur and tail remained damp. Since disappearing for a shower, his facial hair had been clipped and cut and his coat and hair appeared garbage free. Bad Dude hadn’t noticed it until now, but since cleaning up, Sombra also sported a series of shallow cuts around his belly and shoulders—most likely from his years of battle and torment done upon the Crystal Empire.
                
“What are you two doing?” Sombra asked, stepping further into the living room.
                
“Just giving orders,” Bad Dude answered.
                
Sombra nodded in understanding. “Very good, my Prince. Every King must give orders.” His red-and-green eyes slowly drifted towards Chrysalis, whose eyes were staring everywhere else on the stallion but his face. “Can I help you with something?”
                
Chrysalis looked up at him coolly. “You clean up rather well.”
                
“Obviously.”
                
Bad Dude took the cue and leapt off the couch, nabbing Sombra’s towel with his teeth and hurriedly running away with it. Instead of pursuing him or even reacting, Sombra rather grumbled underneath his breath before he flung his head from side to side in order to dry his mane. Once it was done, his mane softly landed back on his shoulders in long, wavy lengths and curls.
                
“You’re still staring at me,” he told Chrysalis.
                
Again, Chrysalis reacted nonchalantly. “Just trying to see if I could spot the cracks on your skin where you were torn apart.” She gave him a thin smile.
                
Sombra rolled his eyes and marched away, heading up his longwinded staircase.
                
Bad Dude was about to giggle at how everything had proceeded, but before he could, a heavy hand fell to his shoulder and roughly whirled him around.
                
“Just what do you think you’re doing?” Discord asked, his face pressed close to his.
                
Bad Dude had to avert his gaze. “Nothing.”
                
“Don’t ‘nothing’ me, buster!” Discord spat. “You trying to set those two up?”
                
“Maybe.”
                
“Don’t we have enough possible internal conflict without stuff like that going on?”
                
Bad Dude felt his cheeks growing red. “But… I just thought it made sense. I mean… one’s a Queen and one’s a King… so shouldn’t they be together? And if they were together, then that would make me their son, in a way. Although, I’d never leave my real family, of course.”
                
Discord scoffed. “So you have your father and your mother figure. Where does that leave me, then? Weird uncle that no one wants to visit anymore?”
                
“I guess,” Bad Dude admitted. “But it’s not like anything’s gonna happen… I was just making sure they’d get along.”
                
“You mean ‘get along in bed’, you little oddball.” Discord exhaled roughly and pointed a sharp finger at him. “Just so long as you don’t try and set me up with Tirek or something! Won’t work! Can’t see it happening!”
                
Bad Dude had to laugh at that. “Don’t worry, Discord. I won’t.”
                
After calming down a bit, Discord motioned to the doors to the fortress’ grand meeting room. “You ready to formulate our first plan, boss?”
                
Bad Dude gave a nod. “You bet!”
                
Then, with hoof in claw they went, as Bad Dude made a mental note to place all of his Flutterbat/Discord drawings in a more well-hidden location.
                
It could still work, he thought to himself stubbornly.