//------------------------------// // Chapter 4: Good Titles Are Hard To Come By // Story: Monocles, Mischief, and Misfortune // by GettingOutOfHoof //------------------------------// JARED What the fuck? I was in a bed. An honest to goodness bed. This.....this was great. I slowly sat up and was suprised to feel that my previously injured rib was fine. I shook my head rapidly from side to side and felt my arms to see if it was just marephine or if my rib was actually okay. To my dissappointment, it wasn't marephine. There was a window across from my (still can't believe this) bed. What I saw was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes upon: the night time sky. The stars were so bright and spectacular, and the moon even more so. Even then, those words can be considered insults to how incredible it truly was. Then something rare happened, a smile of pure happiness and enjoyment appeared on my face. "WE SEE YOU ENJOY OUR NIGHT!!." The loudest fucking voice I had ever heard thundered throughout the room and RIGHT INTO MY FUCKING EARS. "Stop yelling! Don't hurt me! But if you do, send me to the moon! I've always wanted to go there!" I cried. "WE DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU. BRONZE SHIELD REQUESTED TO SEE YOU!" "That's great! Really great! But please turn the volume down for the love of Christ!" "We will try to refrain from using the Royal Canterlot Voice for now," Luna said softly. Much better. "We are suprised you are not acting violent or threatening Us or anypony else." "Yeah, I'm not exactly a morning person....I'm more of a 'If you wake me up before eleven I will end you and everything you love type person'. Anyway, Bronze! What's up buddy?! How you doin?" While Luna seemed concerned and somewhat wary of me. As to why, I have no idea Bronze seemed to have just this atmosphere of joy around him that made me glad just being around him. "Well for one I'm glad to see you awake and well, man." Bronze replied. "Did you just call me 'man'?" FUCK YEAH! A pony just called me 'man' Best. Day. Ever. "Yes I did," He laughed, "So I asked out that mare...." He trailed off and sounded kinda sad/serious. He looked miserable. "Damn, man. I'm sorry." Broke my heart to see my buddy so sad. I felt bad for getting his hopes up for some reason. "She said she was insulted that I even bothered to waste her time..." He said, any joy from before gone from his voice. "Well if she's that stuck up, you don't even wanna be with her in the first place. Trust me, it does NOT end well." I hate stuck up chicks. And if you're reading this I mean you. Okay maybe not you, confused reader. Whatever man, fuck. They know who they are. "Alright, if you say so..." Bronze sighed. I couldn't take it anymore. I got out of the bed and walked up to Bronze and gave the poor guy a hug. Luna looked alarmed at first, but then sorta smiled and calmed down when she realized it was a hug and not a chokehold. "Thanks, Jared. You're a good friend." Luna looked...I don't know how to put this....like I passed a test. Probably did. Y'know cause I'm awesome like that. Speaking of friends: Shain's a fucking pony now!!!! Even more important: I was fucking hungry SHAIN I was suspended in space. Fucking space. The final frontier, the great beyond, whatever you wanna call it. All around me, the stars and galaxies glowed welcomingly against the deep black of the ether. I was in my pony form, of that much I was certain. But where I was, when i was; none of it mattered. The calming sound of low, smooth bass lines permeated the nothingness around me. It was total bliss. A small tear formed on my cheek; I wish the space core were here for this. Then a hoof hit me in the face. "GAHFUCKMESIDEWAYSWITHARUSTYSCYTHEONATUESDAY" I opened my eyes to see the same night sky I had been dreaming of, only this time I wasn't suspended in it. I could feel grass against my back and see the branches of trees above me. The full moon's rays glowed partially through the foliage and illuminated my attacker: one very bewildered Inkie Pie. She stared at me with wide eyes. "Hey now you're awake! Sorry about the kick, nothing else was working. Also wow man, that's the most creative cursing I've ever heard! Well done!" I don't know what surprised me more, the fact that the world didn't explode when I cursed in front of a pony or the fact that she just called me man. "Did you just call me man?" "Yep! I heard the alien use it and thought it sounded neat so there we go man!" I just stared for a few moments... "Okay." What? I don't have to question everything awesome that happens to me. "Soooo... what happened after the thing... with the human... in the place? The P.P.E.?" "Oh well after your friend passed out, you ran off to the royal gardens mumbling about space, something about dance partying too. I like parties! you should talk to my sister if you like parties, she is the Element of Laughter after all. But enough about that, We gotta get you back to the castle! Your friend wants to see you." That whole paragraph came out so quickly it sounded like one long, abused word. But I managed to understand it. I rolled onto my hooves and stood up, shaking the dew off of my coat as I did so. "Well okay then let's go!" JARED I was in the Royal Kitchen. And I was disappointed. The thing is...ponies don't eat meat. Yeah. That won't fly for long. Yeah eggs are alright, and I can always eat fruit. But I had to have a burger or chicken soon or else I'd....Ooooo they have strawberries! You shoulda heard the chef scream, man. *Five minutes later* "I've never seen anypony eat so many strawberries!" That was the Canterlot chef. He was a blue unicorn, kinda round, and he had a purple mane. His cutie mark was a fork and knife crossed. "Well I'm no pony." It hurt to speak I was so full. I went .MOV on those strawberries man. The chef stopped screaming a few minutes ago after Bronze and Luna had a lil chat. with him. "I can see that," Chef deadpanned. That's what I'm going to call him since I never learned his name. Oh hey I'm hungry again! "Got anything else?" I asked. "What?!" "Dude, I could eat a h-uh helicopter." Almost said horse there, phew. "Helicopter?" Luna asked. Bronze and Chef looked confused too. "It's an ani- I mean a really really really big fruit. bigger than I am." Almost said animal! Couldn't tell them about helicopters, didn't want some crazy Pendragon shit happening. And I didn't think they'd take kindly to me eating animals... "You can eat that much?" Chef asked incredulously. Right, see these ponies are pretty damn small. I mean I can make eye contact with Celestia and she's the tallest of all the ponies I've seen so far. So i guess eating something bigger than me meant some crazy shit to them. Anyway, Chef brought me some carrots a few minutes later. I took a bite of a particularly delicious looking one...and bit my fucking tongue! "FRUK," I shouted and got up violently. This scared the shit out of Chef and he proceeded to beat me with a rolling pin. I think he got seven hits in before Bronze pulled him off me. "Wut vuh fruk wuz tat?!" I yelled. I tasted pennies in my mouth. Blood. I spat it out. I think it scared everyone even more. "You sc-scared me," Chef stuttered. He was shaking with fear. Good. Damn Good. "Wuteva," I muttered before as I walked off before I shook Chef like a hamster in a washing machine. SHAIN "So Inkie, you're like, a nurse or something right?" I asked as I followed her through the Canterlot Gardens. "Yep! Chief Nursing Officer at Huerta Memorial hospital. That's what my cutie mark means!" I looked at her flank to see a drawing of a stethoscope draped around a red cross. How did I not notice that before? "Well that's cool......... Sooooo, what's it like being the sister of one of the Elements of Harmony?" My attempts at conversation were getting weaker. "It's not that big of a deal really. It's kinda funny, even though they saved Equestria twice, no one really treats them like celebrities. That's how they prefer it anyway." This was awesome, I was getting inside information about the mane six from Pinkie's sister. Honestly the only thing that could make this better would be a monoc... dammit now I'm sad again. She seemed to notice my change in mood as she suddenly stopped. "Hey.... don't be sad, I'm sure we can find you another monocle." I looked up suddenly. "How did you know that's what I was sad about?" "Oh I just have a sense about these things. I can just tell what's wrong with ponies. That's how I'm able to be such a good nurse!" Woah... Inkie sense. Does the rest of her family have a sixth sense too? This place just gets better and better. I hope Jared is having as much fun as me. JARED I was not having fun.