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// XXII. Attempts 
// Story: Memoirs of a Magic Earth Pony 
// by The Lunar Samurai 
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	As the snow drifted into my room that Wednesday night I began to ask myself one particular question. What purpose do you have? I knew I wasn’t going to be able to answer it, but I continued to cycle it through my mind in a masochistic interrogation of my soul.
I sat myself down at my desk and began to respond. I wanted to be able to tell that voice that I was going to make a difference, but I knew I wouldn’t believe it. I wanted an answer, but I didn’t have one. Months before I would have responded with magic, only days ago I would have responded with cereal production, but now as I truly pondered my life, I realized that I was at a total loss. No matter where I looked there was nothing that would present itself as an answer. Magic was my passion, Cereal Production was my hell, and my life was empty. I had nowhere to turn, no future to look forward to, nothing to strive for anymore. The path that I had been walking had stopped, and I was asking what I was to do now.
What purpose do you have?
“I don’t,” I muttered in defeat as I looked to the small drift of wet snow that was piling in the corner beneath my broken window. It had been weeks, and I still hadn’t bothered to fix it. The nights were getting colder and sleeping was becoming more unbearable as the snow had invaded my bed. I wasn’t sleeping that night.
The world seemed to be on the side of that burning question that echoed through my mind. I wanted reasons for the problems in my life and I wasn’t receiving anything. I had no idea what the next day would bring, what the next hour would usher in, but there was one thing that was certain: I wasn’t going to be happy.
My world was one that I had been a prisoner to for too long. The past months that I had witnessed, the eternal pain that I experienced, it was too much too bear. I had nothing to hope for, nothing to aspire to. My life was dark and my future had been crushed that Thursday at 4:00 so long ago.
I looked to my saddlebag, the one that had trekked with me throughout my experience so far at university. It had been with me for every terrible meeting and every wonderful moment. My gaze drifted to the modest rope that secured the two bags together.
That can hold my weight, I thought as I gently removed the rope from the bag and wrapped it around my hoof. It felt heavy, as though gravity was working overtime to remind me of my intentions. I quickly pulled it taught and winced at its strength. This strand of cord was my answer to that burning question that echoed through my mind.
What purpose do you have?
I stepped onto my chair and looped one end of the belt around the rafters that ran along the ceiling. I secured the rope with a knot and stepped back to examine my work. I didn’t know how to tie a noose, but I could still tie a knot. I reached up to the rope once more and, with shaky hooves, looped it through itself and knotted it.
What purpose do you have?
In that moment, I felt like I could see something through that loop. Everything around me was dark, grey, and lifeless. The world seemed evil, hateful, and pointless, but through that loop, through that small opening, I saw something I hadn’t seen in a long time. I saw hope and peace. Through the rope was a world that I so desperately wanted to be in, one without worry, without stress, without the hell that I was living in every day. I wanted to be in a world where I could be free of torment.
That world was through the rope.
Before I knew what had happened, I rose to the top of the chair, placed my neck through my makeshift noose, and tightened down the knot. Everything seemed a little less daunting from the new perspective I had on my life. With only seconds left in my grand chronicle, I was about to come to a peaceful end. All of the pain I had felt, all of the hatred that I had witnessed was about to disappear into a void.
For the first time in my life, I was truly ready for death.
I took one last breath of the piercingly cool air and let my legs slide off of the chair. The noose did its job and bore my weight as I dropped onto my neck.
The world blurred as the rope tightened, and my mind began filling in the blank spots with small images of my life. It started with my early childhood. I could see my old friends playing at the playground.
Why do you persist?
Another scene flashed before my eyes. It was me, sitting in my room, penning the letter to the University to request my degree.
What do you have to gain?
The world began to fade into darkness as my body began to spin around the rope. As my eyes passed the window I saw Amethyst, she was standing before the class, explaining her mental dimension. The world was fading from my view. With every moment that passed I saw some other image from my life, as though my mind were reminding me of what had led up to this point. I saw everything I had ever done, and all the dreams I had always held dear. My mind was too focused on bringing those images that I forgot to despise them. Instead, I noted something peculiar about each one. Not a single dream I had for magic had a degree hanging in the background.
There, as I hung from the rafters in an attempt to rid myself of the world, I began to make one of the most important realizations of my life. I wasn’t trapped in a cell society had created, the door was wide open. I didn’t need a degree, I just needed to learn.
As my vision blurred into a void of darkness, I saw a small point drift into my sight. Another formed, moving along with the first. Within a moment I noticed that dozens had joined in the small parade through my dwindling vision. They were all rotating around something, some central point that I just couldn’t make out. As my final breath failed me, I slipped from consciousness. I felt like I was falling into the void.