//------------------------------// // "Why is Life?" // Story: Earning Freedom // by Daxisle //------------------------------// "Why is Life?" Sitting in his old family home, a very young Sin sat on his bed, concentrating intensly as he looked down at a small, rectangular piece of paper, trying to figure out its secrets. His father was in the back room, going over some things from work and his younger brother was sleeping peacefully in the bed on the otherside of the room. Light breaths were the only sound to be heard as the oaken colt tried to piece together what exactly he was looking at. Gemini had given it to Sin for his birthday, he called this a "Bill", a piece of paper others used to "buy" things like food and firewood. Sin had a tough time understanding why such a flimsy piece of paper, one he'd already torn to prove it frailty, had so much power. What was it about this "Bill" that ponies would give such nice things for it? He supposed it kinda felt like toilet paper, but much too rough for him to consider using it as such. He recounted what he knew of the money, which considering he was barely in his first year of public schooling, wasn't alot. His father didn't have a lot of patience to try and explain it to him, what with he and his grandfather working so much on their mining business together. Sin rarely ever saw Gemini and all but denied the existance of his mother who disappeared a little while after Malich was born. When Sin asked about it, his father just said "value is subjective, citizens want it, and that's why it's valuable." Sin did not understand this, and as his six year old mind tried to process it, it began to irritate him. WHY!? Why did ponies want these? Why were they so sought after? What was their utility outside of trade? There wasn't any that he could see, yet ponies were willing to slave away at work for hours at a time for it, some even willing to rob banks and kill others for its abundance. "Value is... sub-ject-ive." The young colt said in a high pitch voice, picking up the piece of paper and studying it. One the front was the centaur he learned to be "Sparhawk" with some nice designs around the bill and the number "10" on the side. He flipped it over to find a bunch of centaur running through some trees, with the phrase "Pacem Libertas", he didn't know what that meant, his ignorance only compounding his frustration farther. Sin had no idea why he was so focused on this. He had toys he could play with that were much more fun, books he could be reading with all kinds of bright and happy pictures and words, and plenty of paper and crayons for drawing and creating things. Yet, ever since he'd gotten this "Bill" two days ago, it had completely consumed his world. Sighing, the colt laid the mystic peice of paper onto his nightstand, turned out the light and snuggled into bed, his mind still abuzz trying to figure to wrap itself around the concept of money. His father found it important, and his father was the smartest pony he knew. He said that money was the reason the family ate and had lights and water, and in order to get these things, Gemini had to work, and in his work he wouldn't be able to spend much, or any, time with his family. It was a somber thing that the young pony never wanted to say aloud. He wanted to spend time with his father, but his state of constant irritation and absence made him impossible to interact with in any kind of positive way. It hurt Sin to be constantly rejected like that, to be told that his father's work was more important than he was. He'd cried about it once, but it was a mistake he'd never make again. Gemini told him that colts don't cry and that he should stop being so selfish. That if his father didn't work, they wouldn't be able to eat or have heating during the winter. It was something the pony couldn't understand though. During his time at school, parents would drop their foals off and he'd heard plenty of stories from them about the time they and their parents spent together. So why? Why did they get to have parents who wanted to be around them and he didn't? Why did they get to have mommies and he didn't? That wasn't fair... "Life isn't fair, Sin! Never had been, never will be. One day, you'll understand that." Gemini's words echoed in Sin's mind as the stallion tried to fall asleep. He had school tomorrow and didn't want to get in trouble again for falling asleep in class. "Hi, I'm Zell, what's your name?" A young, happy unicorn asked. Sin sighed and looked up from his book at the maroon colt standing before him. The sounds of the playground were loud and the air was cold. He was in no mood to be out during recess, but the teachers refused to let him stay inside and read like he wanted. Now he was stuck outside with the rest of the foals to prance around the school yard. Colts and fillies who seemed so happy and carefree, what with their friendships and ignorance to the way the world around them worked. Alas, his angry glare didn't send the colt running as it did so many others, and Sin reluctantly answered his question. "Sinbad." Sin replied, going back to his book. Zell smiled. "Nice to meet you, hey, whatcha readin'?" Sin lifted the front of the book and showed it to him. "Why is life?" a novel of thought his grandfather had given him for his tenth birthday a few months ago. During his delving into the concept of money and both why and how it worked lead the oaken colt into a world beyond anything his young mind could possibly conceive of. Money tied in with so much more than just work and food. Psychology, politics, sociology, and economics, each with their own subcategories for him to explore and understand. Sin wanted to understand the country, he wanted to understand the world. He wanted to know why things were the way that they were. Why money worked, why government existed, what kinds of government there were, why herd psychology was the way it was, why ponies his age were so disinterested with these concepts. And deep down, he just wanted to feel smart. He liked that feeling, the feeling of knowing things others didn't. Whenever he'd ask a teacher about what a certain word meant, they'd praise him for his inquisitive nature and comment how few foals his age could use such advanced vocabulary and concepts. Some times the teachers would have to pull out the dictionary for him, finally settling to leave it to where he could grab it when they'd grown tired of his constant questionings. While most ponies were out playing and enjoying their youth, Sin was studying "Free Market Economics vs Central Planning" and "Relationship Psychology". He desperately wanted his father's approval for years, but then he asked himself why he wanted it. Why did he want to be around his dad so badly? What was the real point of that? Ironic, considering it was that very desire that set him down his current path of learning and knowledge. Sin had seen how ponies like his father talked. They didn't talk like most other ponies did. Gemini and Mandylion used bigger words and spoke about things that sounded much more important than what the teachers talked about. Sin figured that if he learned how to talk like they did and understood things the way they did, his father would spend more time with him and talk about those things with him like he'd always wanted. Despite the elder stallion all but giving up on him for his lack of using his wings, a small part of Sin wanted a relationship with him. "Owww." Zell complained, rubbing his head. "I don't understand all of those words. How can you read that? You must be super smart, huh?" Sin closed the book. "Not really." He looked to maroon colt. "Is there something you need?" "Not really. You never say anything to anyone in class, and my mom always told me to make friends with ponies who didn't have any." Sin felt his muscles tighten at the word, a word he'd never addressed anyone by. There was no point in getting angry or sad about it, he didn't have a mom and that was the reality. "Your mother sounds like a very nice mare." "She is! She makes cookies every Friday!" Zell chirped. "Say, you wanna come over to my place after school?" Sin looked bewildered, he was being invited to someone else's house? His desire for friendship all but died as he buried himself in philosophy and economics. And as such, it would be pointless to become friends with anyone here. "I'll pass, thanks." Zell asked him to reconsider, promising delicious snacks and showing him some of his father's archano-tech machines, but Sin stood form in his answer. There was no point, most of the foals in school talked about things he couldn't care less about, like gossip or the latest play that had come to town that he'd never admit to seeing, or in the worst cases, that stupid trading card game. Most of them probably couldn't define the word economics, let alone discuss it with him. "Well, alright then..." Zell sighed dejectedly and slumped away back to the playground with the others. Sin didn't know why he looked so glum, but returned his attention back to the book none the less. He couldn't concentrate on the words anymore though, he felt bad for making Zell sad after the colt had been so friendly and continually looked up to see how the colt was doing. As the days dragged on, Sin began to notice that Zell didn't have many friends at all, though unlike him, Zell wanted to play with others. He'd be allowed to in group activities and such, but was excluded when the kids would pair off into their respected cliques. The unicorn would constantly pester him, asking to talk but what few conversations the two had, it was clear the colt had no inclination to philosophy or the higher intellectual pursuits. Matter of fact, he was actually kinda slow, even by normal child standards. He wasn't retarded or anything, but kinda socially awkward. Sin felt bad for him for being rejected, he really and honestly did. He could empathize with constantly being turned away from others. Even in class, when the pegasus would look up from his studies to check up on Zell, the unicorn would be subject to exclusivity. Small rumors shot around the room, talking about him being dropped on his head and what not. One day, during a rainy day or recess when the class was allowed to stay inside. Zell approached Sin as he sat, writing down some notes in his journal. "Economics." Zell said, looking determined. "What?" Sin looked up at him curiously. "Economics." The maroon colt replied. "The concept of-" the pony frowned, his eyes looking around as he tried to remember the words. "concept of con-consumption, and production." Sin smirked, a few of the kids had tried to test his intelligence on multiple ocassions before he'd blow them out of the proverbial water and expose himself as an "egg head". If Zell wanted to play, Sin was more than willing to throw down some intellectual weight against him. "Define the word: 'Concept'." Zell's eyes widened and he took a breath. "Concept is like an idea. It's like... um... it's an... oh bother, how did my dad put it... General idea, that's it!" It was a good enough answer, Sin had to admit to himself that he was impressed, but still not convinced. "Why does money work?" "What?" "I asked why does money work?" Zell bit his lip and frowned nervously. "B- because citizens want it to?" Sin's smirk grew. The colt was absolutely correct, that's exactly why money worked, for no other reason than the fact individuals saw value in it because others saw value in it. He'd gotten it right by sheer luck though, anyone could see that. "Do you know why, though?" Zell grimaced in thought, and for a moment, Sin expected him to give another half hearted answer like many other did before, yet in the end, unicorn shook his head. "No, but I'd like to." Idiots... Fucking idiots all around him! A teenaged Sin pushed his way through the town square, ducking between various races as he walked away from the epicenter stage. The entire rally was a supposed "libertarian" event that demanded a private security detail over the government's inefficient police force. The ponies, griffin's, dogs, minotaur, donkeys, and rest spouted constantly about the superiority of the free market and how great it would be for the private sector to be involved in the running and maintaining of the police force. Triple M. had been given lofty grants to handle immigration restrictions in the south western sea, and set up a blockade of ships to deter Zeboricans to their country after the first Changeling infection occurred a year ago. The company handled the issue beautifully and the citizens here cheered at the prospect of Triple M. being given even more power. Sin, knew better. What made private enterprise superior to government planning was the fact that competition and individual choice was necessary. Triple M. was a private company, but with no competition to incentivise superior customer and product relations and output, there was no point in their becoming an unchallenged police force. It was actually more detrimental to the country than it was a boon. Triple M. would hold the government backed monopoly on violence over the entire country with Mandylion or Gemini as potential dictators. Private enterprise with that kind of power was the worst idea that anyone could ever conceive of. Though, with the changeling crisis still being sensationalized, no small thanks to Gemini he was sure, Triple M. campaigned atop a rather lofty mass of dead foals and cubs, with gaining support from the less informed economic Joe's and Jane's of the state. Luckily, the states of Columbus, Vein, Canim and South New Equine had already dismissed the legislation. Alas, North New Equine was the primary target, and would be used to set a precedent when the the time for appeals came. The stallion finally made it out of the crowd of cheering citizens and saw a bunch of ponies clad in tanned cloaks standing along the cobblestone streets. He recognized them as members of the "Liberty Syndicate" an organization dedicated to maintaining the principals of liberty, freedom, and personal responsibility. Not a single one of them looked happy about the crowd's demand for a private security force, which wasn't surprising, considering Sin heavily favored their version of economics and sociology. Unlike the idiots behind him who had no idea what they were demanding, the Syndicate understood it all to well. Sin watched as the small band of ponies shook their heads and began to slowly walk away. He felt his stomach drop as they left, why were they leaving? Was this not what their organization was about? Teaching the idiots of the world about how economics worked and the difference between real capitalism and the crony capitalism these retards demanded? The young pony slumped and turned around, giving the roaring crowed a hateful glare. No, he could understand. If what had happened to them had happened to him, it made too much sense for him to be angry with the Syndicate. The common pony didn't understand economics or the principals of competition, they didn't care to understand either. They just wanted to feel good, to feel as though they were protected and followed the best and most agreeable intellectual they could who offered what they wanted. Today, that was the unicorn speaking on the podium in the park. Going on and on about how Triple M. was the one who found the Queen of the changelings and eradicated her after the Federal Police Force failed to do so. The corporation had saved millions of lives that day, despite them all but destroyed village the bugs had taken ponies from to be infected. The unicorn decried the Federal Police force as well intended, but inefficient. Promising safety to the state of North New Equine from criminals at home and threats from abroad. These citizens... How many times had he heard them complain about things like the state debt? How many times had he heard them whine about political corruption in the state and federal senates? How many times did they bemoan how inefficient and useless the government was in their dealings with the problems of the collective whole? And yet here they were now, demanding a more brutal and intrusive police force. Ponies who claimed to be for "freedom" demanding things like State backed: Elderly Financial Security and medical insurance for the financially inept. Believing themselves "charitable" when their alleged generosity only came through the wrong end of a crossbow. Sin felt something in himself go cold in that moment. The moment he'd finally snuffed out any and all hope of the common pony seeing reason and logical thought over emotional reaction. The state of North New Equine could not sustain the government programs it was implementing. Sooner or later, drastic cuts would have to come, and when they did, when the resulting hyper inflation or deflation occurred, when the full consequences came to pass and the bed they were making finally needed to be lied in, the citizens of North New Equine would get no sympathy from him. "Sin, I'm telling you, you're wrong!" Malich shouted, desperate to deny the opinion his brother had just expressed. On the verge of adolescence, his hormones were beginning to get the better of him. The once innocent and contemplative colt was now forming his own opinion and conclusion on the world. Sin knew this time would come and hoped that what he'd taught Malich would be more than sufficient in terms of objective truth. He'd taught Malich his own way of seeing the world, the way of consequentialism and results. It seemed, though, that Malich had taken his stance in the virtue of sapience and held too much regard for the effort and good nature there in to be considered a consequentialist like himself. "Am I? Then please, Malich, explain to me why I'm wrong? Explain to me why the citizens deserve mercy and compassion when they immerse themselves in the very ignorance and stupidity we both loath and detest. Why? Because they're 'good natured'? Because they 'just don't understand what they're doing'?" "Yes!" Malich barked, bearing his teeth. "There are good ponies and such in the world, they don't deserve to suffer because the government works outside of their control!" "Outside of- are you fucking kidding me? The ponies are the ones put those corrupt bastards into positions of political power! The elect them year after year!" "Yes, and they do so with the belief things will get better!" "But they don't!" Sin shouted. "They don't get better and they never do, no matter who's put in office! That's the problem with this whole fucking thing! The politicians, all of them, are corrupt and caniving crooks whom bow to special interests and the wealthy. They're puppets, the citizens know this, yet they do nothing to change it but bitch, whine and complain. Actions speak louder than words on what these idiots find 'unacceptable'." The ashen colt glared at his brother. "And what would you have them do? Huh!? Realistically, what would you have them do!? Don't give me that agorism or revolutions shit, either! We both know how many would die in that." "And we both know how many will die if this country continues on the way it is!" Sin countered. "And here's a thought, maybe hold politicians accountable for once? All those retards do is threaten 'vote 'em out!'. As if that's any real threat at all. 'Aww, we're going to not be able to make decisions anymore and keep all of out bribe money or suffer in any meaningful way? How terrible'." The elder pony scoffed. "You want to know what I would like to see done? I'd like to see politicians write down a list of promises in a contract, and if they don't fulfill those promises, they are beaten in the streets. There, no revolution and no counter economics, that good enough for ya?" "NO! That's fucking barbaric!" It was one of the most heated debates the two had ever shared. Sin's own hormones were still in full swing, and with it, his own world views were in a storm of hypocrisy and conflict. One day he'd be in full agreement with his brother about virtue ethics and protecting the very idiots of the world from their own stupidity, the next he would gladly stand by and watch them all suffer for their foolishness. It was as maddening to him as it was to Malich. The two continued to shout and yell, finally, Malich's temper got the better of him and he decked Sin right across the muzzle and sent him to the bedroom floor. The oaken pony's only saving grace was the fact his earth pony brother was younger and much weaker, otherwise he'd have been down for the count. As it stood though, the non-aggression principal had been breached, and Sin had to teach Malich what happened when such a sin was committed. Sin tackled him down and the small wrestling match turned into a full on melee of swearing, debate and flying forelegs and hooves. Stomping could be heard from down the hall and the door burst open to show a very livid Gemini. "What the fuck is going on in here?!" He yelled, glaring down at his two sons. Malich pushed the pegasus away and frowned at the floor. Sin glared daggers at Mandylion, the blood from his muzzle begining to drip to the floor. "Stop bleeding on my floor, and keep it down in here. If you two wanna go outside and kill each other, that's fine, but don't-" he stopped, seeing Sin's seething glare having only intensified the more he spoke. "What's you're problem?" Malich was the obediant son, the one who always did what Gemini told him to do. He got good grades, was well behaved and liked in class and did everything he could not to upset his father. Sin, on the other hoof, had grown to hate Gemini, and instead idolize his grandfather. There was a secret plan for Sin to move out of his father's house and officially live with Mandylion a few months from now, but with his adrenaline pumping and his anger already summoned from Malich, the young colt was feeling more than a little brash. "My problem is you." Gemini stared expressionless down at Sin, his face betraying nothing of his feelings save the slight narrowing of his eyes. "Malich, go outside for a bit. Your brother and I need to speak in private." The ashen earth pony protests, but an angry glare quickly sent him scurrying. Both waited for the front door to close before the official confrontation began. Sin tensed his muscles for whatever would happen. He'd noticed his father had gotten bigger, bulkier and had more than a few scars since he and Mandylion had begun the mercenary branch of Triple M. He may have been a pegasus, but he was much stronger than Sin was. "So, what about me do you have a problem with." Gemini began, he was calm, cool and very threatening. "Is it the fact that I've given you food and shelter all your life? Is that what's got you in such a tizzy?" "How about the fact you've never been around?" Sin spat sarcastically. An irate glare of indignation met one of resentment and the oaken colt began a list of grievances. Missed birthdays, missed Hearthswarmings, the fact that the two would only see eachother for five minutes a day before Gemini would seclude himself in his room to rest and do paperwork from his job, or not seeing him at all during his days off because he was too busy relaxing in his room. Gemini listened without making a sound, nodding his head every so often to show he was listening. For the first time in a very long time, Sin felt better about his life. It felt good to finally have his attention for once, even if it was in the worst of ways. When he finished, Sin hoped it would leave an impression on the pony, to show him how much he and his brother hurt over their father not being around and no mother to look after either of them. "So... You're inconsiderate as well as ungrateful." Sin's eyes shot wide right before a dark brown hoof smacked into his muzzle. His recovery was quick enough, but through a series of of him trying to move away from his father and said father continually cutting him off, it was clear his escape wasn't going to happen any time soon. In a blur, Gemini's foreleg found Sin's neck and slammed the pony down onto the floor with enough force to crack the wood upon impact. Sin saw his world bluring and a heard a slight ringing off in the distance, but a quick kick to his chest brought him back to reality in short order. It was at that moment, the young stallion had finally realized his challenge might have been a mistake. "Now you listen to me, you ungrateful piece of shit." Gemini growled, placing more pressure. "I have worked my happy ass fucking sick in order to give you and your brother a chance in life I could never dream of. You fucking kids have no idea how good you have it, back when I was your age, we suffered a depression ten times worse than what we have now. You think reading about it in those little books of yours could ever compare to living it? You think just because you fucking understand how it happened you understand what it was like living in it?" "I have gotten mauled by wolves, watched as two of my best friends were eaten alive, lived through dozens of highway raiders, raided a cult's sacrificial compound, fought a fucking dragon and helped to create a moderately successful company that allows our family to live very well." Gemini glared down, looking Sin in the eye. "And here is my son, crying like a little bitch because his feelings were hurt because daddy wasn't around enough. Well here's a newsflash, boyo: Nobody, and I mean nobody gives a flying fuck about your Tapio damned feelings! Nobody gives a fuck about my feelings and nobody gives a fuck about your brother's feelings. Do you hear me? Nobody gives a fuck about feelings." Sin snarled and was about to retort but the hoof on the broad of his neck slipped down onto his throat, cutting off his ability to both speak and breath. Gemini either took no notice of the subtle shift, or did so intentionally. "That's the problem with your generation. It's all about me, me, me. Selfish, entitled, no respect for work or the sacrifices of others. All you kids ever do is bitch about the feels. Awww, did it hurt that you didn't get to see me all the time? Try being hungry for a couple of days, not knowing when or if you'd have another meal, and then you can talk to me about suffering!" Gemini pushed off of his son's throat and stormed out of the room, leaving Sin coughing and gasping over his nearly crushed windpipe. His lungs sucked in the life giving oxygen and he rolled over onto his back, far too dizzy and deprived to do anything but recover. It was a first for him, a first Sin desperately wanted to forget. He'd antagonized his father, he pushed a lot harder than any time before, but if Sin had known he'd almost be killed by him, he probably wouldn't have said the things he said. As satisfying as it was to finally tell Gemini off, what he'd gained from it was far, far worse. "Why are you showing me these things?" Sin asked, now in the white void of his mind. A void he'd affectionately come to name as the "White Room". "Because, my dear, you don't want to remember them." The Black Alicorn stated, walking into view. "Feelings of neglect, abandonment, and rejection. You could only cope with these by submerging yourself in philosophy and economics. It was an escape from the terrible reality in which you lived as a child. She paused for a moment. You've spent so much time denying your own true nature and how it came to be, I know you'd be happier if you just embraced it." "Maybe I would." The Federalist admitted flatly. "But I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again. I hated who I was, what I'd become. I was the very monster I despised most in the world, a psychopath who had no respect for the integrity or rights of others... I was wrong in who I was." Nightmare Moon pulled up beside him and covered the stallion in a wing. "It is what you were meant to be, even your cutie mark demands it of you." "And I had them carved out to show that I rejected whatever it was that gave me such a future." He looked up into the calculating teal eyes of the mare above him. "I choose who I am, and I've chosen something else." He felt a gentle hoof reach up and stroke his mane soothingly. "And what has that gotten you? Stress? Suffering? A broken mind and shattered will? Are these costs truly worth it?" She asked sweetly. "Yes." Sin whispered hesitantly. It was wrong, it was wrong on so many levels, but he felt comfort in what the Alicorn was doing. The gentle stroking of her hoof upon his head, like a mother comforting her foal. How he yearned for that for so long when he was younger. The stallion was half tempted to turn into her chest and cry, but he knew that's what she wanted and wouldn't give her the satisfaction. "Is this what you truly believe? You're miserable, you've not known happiness at all in all of your years of life. A father who neglected you, a mother who abandoned you, a brother who hates you and a grandfather who manipulates you. Don't you think you deserve better for all you've done?" Sin chuckled, feeling a little bit of strength return to him. First she uses her influence to trivialize his accomplishments, and then turns around and praises him for them. "My mind is going, but it's not that far gone yet." Her hoof stopped, and Sin's smirk dropped a little. "Malich doesn't hate me, he's angry with me right now, but he doesn't hate me. I know what I felt with Uppity, with Spike, with Macintosh and even Star Shade was happiness in some way. And don't think I've forgotten about my grandmother or other friends either." The Alicorn's wing retracted, and with it, Sin felt himself grow emboldened. "I am miserable now, I have been most of my life, and it's clear to see why. I was convinced that nobody cared back then, and nobody knows I'm alive to care now. I've made my choices in life, and I plan to stick by them. Is what happened to me my fault? No. it fair? No, no it isn't. But it hasn't escaped my notice that life isn't fair, and rather than bemoan the fact, I've decided to embrace it and move forward with it." "Move forward and go where, little one?" Sin's breath caught in his throat as the boldness he'd felt shattered... "Little one"? That phrase, he remembered that phrase, it was what his mother used to call him... The wing was back know, draped over him like a cool and comforting blanket. "A life on the run from the law? Do you plan to kill anypony who sees you? Any who could potentially report you to the guard? What kind of life is that?" Sin pressed his lips and kept himself tense, refusing to melt under her touch like his mind wanted to. "I'll likely head back to the Federation. If what Ace and my grandfather said about changeling's is true, than I'll need to kill my brother and dad." "More killing, then?" Sin sighed. "If I do go back, I'll need to figure out what exactly is going on. After I do and have sabotaged whatever they have planned, they will both have to die. Tapio knows the North Equine nor the Federal Government wouldn't dare imprison them for crimes against Sapience." "And then what?" Sin turned to her again and said with disturbing amount of detached conviction: "Kill myself."