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“Do humans normally sleep this long?” I heard a squeaky voice ask, abruptly removing me from my state of slumbery goodness.
“Blergh,” I blerghed.
Somepony poked me. That was rude. Super rude.
“Humans are varied in just about every fashion. Some will only sleep four hours a day. Some, like this fine specimen turned pony, take much longer.”
That was Luna. Nagging me about all the sleep that I rightfully deserve. Ugh.
I opened my eyes, somewhat surprised that I had experienced an entirely dreamless night for once. Maybe I was getting used to all this insanity? God, I hope not, I thought to myself. I’d hate to see what the long term ramifications of would be. What wasn’t surprising was that we were still travelling on the Sky Carriage, hauling flank towards Appleloosa. One bout of pendiculation later, I lifted a hoof up to rub away the eye crud that had accumulated in my time of sweet and blessed rest. Also, whoever decided to name said crud ‘sleep’ was dumb.
“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.” I heard Luna’s voice from behind me as she gently pat my head. I looked around to see that it was still in the dead of night. “Sleep well?”
“I think I slipped into a coma, actually. It was the best coma ever. I need more comas like that in my life,” I replied, nodding lazily as I rolled to my hooves without standing up just yet. “How long was I out?”
“Oh, about half a day.” Twilight was just to the side of me on the carriage, lounging as I was. “I went to sleep after you and woke up before you.”
“Well, that’s because no one beats me, Twilight. I will always be the best at sleeping.” It wasn’t easy getting that sentence out of my mouth before I yawned. “And what’s this nonsense about the moon still being in the sky if I’ve been asleep for so damn long?”
“Well, I haven’t put the moon down, of course.” She gave a smirk before nodding at the distance, pointing out the moon still hovering above the horizon.
“So... What? Do we need the cover of night or something?” I tilted my head, not quite understanding.
“Well, right now it’s to limit Celestia’s power,” Luna pointed out. “Which, in turn, limits The Nightmare as well. So I’m holding up the moon to keep her in check.”
“What does… holding up the moon have to do with anything?” I asked, scratching my head with a hoof. “Does that, like, keep the sun away somehow?”
“Of course it does, Firewall,” Twilight said with a laugh. “The sun and moon are like matching ends of a magnet. They push each other away.”
I looked at them as though they were crazy. I just wanted to try it on for size to see if it was fun. Because… Well, everyone else does it to me, so I figured there might be something special about it, but no! Ponies just don’t know how to handle me and seem to fall back on that as a reflex.
“There was no reason that should even remotely work.” I was blunt, I was honest, I was flabbergasted. “Luna, you know how such things work now, right?”
“I know how they work where you come from... But there is no denying that the sun and moon push each other away. In fact, if they weren’t bound to Equestria, there would be nothing stopping them from flying away,” she said with a nod, smirking at me. “Why do you think Celestia had to send me away when I wouldn’t lower it? Because, she had to raise the sun, and she couldn’t do that with Nightmare Moon interfering.”
That… That nonsense was grounds for a cigarette. Thusly, I retrieved one without ever taking my eyes off of Luna and stuffed it in my mouth as indignantly as I could.
“That’s stupid.” I decided.
“Stupid or not, that’s how we roll,” Luna clarified with a bright smile. “What, did you think she sent me there for a thousand years just because I was misbehaving?”
“Maybe!” I supplied.
She gave a laugh. “Seriously? Sorry, Firewall, but despite all the Trollestia content out there, nothing could be further from the truth. My dear sister did what she had to do, and it bothered her for a very, very long time.”
“Yeah. Because she’s a reasonable, sensitive pony, not to mention pretty cool.” I gave a nod before looking at Twilight before giving her a hoof-poke. “RIGHT, TWI?!”
“Yes, yes. The princess is certainly amazing.” Twilight chuckled as she rattled her head in agreement. “You’re pretty wired, I see. That nap really did help, I take it?”
“Well, I always was a morning person. Can’t lie: I feel like a million bits!” I called out eagerly before hopping up and lighting my cigarette, moving to the side of the carriage to prevent smoking on anypony, “So, how far are we out?”
“At our current pace? Mmm…” Twilight summoned an astrolabe, sextant, and a few star charts. After a bit of compass work and using the stars as a locational reference, she nodded and unsummoned all of it. “… About six hours.”
“Road trips. Cool, I can handle it.” I nodded before doing a quick count and looking about frantically. “Hey! Where’s Starlight?!”
“She’s left to meet up with the train from Ponyville,” Luna answered.
“Yeah, they probably need her more than we do,” I reasoned aloud. “It’s a good thing you showed up when you did, Twilight. If Luna had goofed off any longer, we’d have been up to our manes in shadowy ponies.”
“Hey!” Luna protested, but I ignored the mess out of her.
“So how did you get back with that no-casty-the-magics rein on your face, anyway?” I pressed.
“It… Remember the Sky Archon that tried to arrest you back at Ponyville?”
Yeah, that was a pretty memorable experience.
“The green one?”
“Yes. Th-”
“The one that crashed into me with the very awesome carriage upon which we ride?”
“I… Yes, that one. Well, sh-”
“And then proceeded to tackle me out of the air and dig a trench with my face. With my face, Twilight.”
“... … Yes. That one.”
“Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. Why, was she cute?”
Luna was just sputtering at me with this… incredible urge to laugh. Not with me. No, she were holding in the urge to laugh at me. Because the deep-seated trauma was clear on my face. Oh, I remembered. Lucky the Green Destroyer would forever be a source of nightmares for me. Forever. The grass and dirt… Never forget.
“Well, by purely random chance, she happened to be flying by on patrol and spotted me,” Twilight continued, completely unperturbed by my traumatic reaction to her question. “Also, she’s… very strong. It hurt quite a bit, but she was able to bite onto the inmanipulon and tear it off like it was nothing.”
Twilight frowned as her gaze lowered just a skosh. “If I had been quicker, we might have been able to make a stand. But truth be told, I was just desperate to get everyone to safety after what happened at Ponyville.”
“Why, what happened in P-ville?!” I let my jaw drop, eyes wide with all the fear for ponies in the world.
“Trixie led the Shadow Ponies in an attack on Ponyville. We lost… erm… A few of us were captured. I’d never seen anything like it before. Never heard of it anything like this, even. I thought… … Lucky did what she could, but she couldn’t be everywhere at once. It was really fortunate that just before matters could get worse, Storm Wing arrived and made short work of the remaining Shadow Ponies. Trixie was forced to run away, but not before she started blabbering about her masterful plans for some reason. She let slip that soon Canterlot would also be under attack, and that Luna would be their prisoner within the hour. She didn’t know that I could teleport, I guess. A good thing, too. And if I had been slowed for any reason… You both could have ended up like… like...”
“Like Hot Shot,” Luna pointed out with a bit of a timid grimace.
We all stood in silence for a moment. None of us knew Hot Shot especially well, but that didn’t mean we didn’t care. He had saved our plots, sacrificing himself in the process, and I had every intention of doing whatever it took to help get him back to flying on the good side. I can promise you, Twilight and Luna felt likewise.
“Hey, let’s not dwell on it. He’s just on ice until we fix everything. And I mean everything.” I finished my cigarette and set a hoof on her to show support. “Don’t get caught up in the ‘What-Ifs’ or you’re going to drive yourself crazy. Trust me, I know all about that. Remind yourself that because you were there in time, Luna and I get to spend another day with free will.”
“Actually, I arrived there several minutes before. I was simply helping the Sky Archons organize an efficient evacuation plan before finding you two.” She modestly looked away but still gave away a tiny smile. “Luckily, they seemed to be specifically after you both, so the evacuation went off without a hitch. I just checked up on them a little while ago. The Canterlot citizens are all on a different train to Appleloosa as well.”
“Does Appleloosa know we’re about to triple its population?” I asked with a nervous chuckle. “Is there going to be plenty of space for everypony?”
“Please. There will be enough of a workforce to help make plenty of room,” Luna said with a roll of her pretty blue eyes. “I know this will blow your silly human mind, but we create buildings in hours and towns in days. I can’t believe it takes you all several years for a town to properly begin flourishing.”
“Woah.” I blinked again. “And here I thought China was awesome for having built a single skyscraper in six days. Ponies are amazing.”
“Yes, but you already knew that,” Twilight gave me a knowing wink.
I gave her an odd look before looking to Luna in confusion. She blushed a bit before smiling sheepishly. “We’ve been talking. I might have mentioned a few things. Such as irrigation.”
“Okay...” I gave a fearful nod. “But that’s not all, is it.” (Note: That wasn’t a question. I was not asking. I was making a statement. Because I knew the answer.)
“And maybe a few things about human history. Nothing bad, though!” she promised me, her smile becoming more and more sheepish and more and more nervous.
“For some reason, I am not feeling a sense of relief.” My eyes were widening already. In fact, it was a sense of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM that was setting in.
Then she mumbled something under her breath that I didn’t catch.
“Speak up, princess!” I ordered, my eyes only getting bigger.
“May have... mentioned TV,” she tried to make it sound nonchalant. Guess what? SHE FAILED MISERABLY!
“You didn’t...” it was like getting hit with a bucket full of cold water. Then getting that bucket dumped on me as I writhed in agony.
“And MLP:FIM,” she blurted out, blushing brightly.
“Luna!” My mind began to blue screen. Errors popping up! IT DOESN’T COMPUTE!
“And maybe a few shipfics!” she cried out, taking advantage of my blown mind to get the entire confession out.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” Emergency switches were going off. The pressure was critical. If my skull had escape pods, my brain might have abandoned ship. As it were, it was forced to deal with it. Much to my displeasure.
“And the human fascination with nudity. And the imaginative ways to portray it.” She went for the Coup de grâce.
“Thhhbbbbbbtt~!” I blew a raspberry (Obviously I’m reverting to childhood responses.) because my mind was already overloaded. It was in the middle of a reset, and the ability to arrange vocabulary into audible sentences fashioned in a grammatically correct pattern was still quite out of order.
“Don’t worry, Firewall. I now know why you weren’t so quick to divulge everything to me, and I understand. You were just being cautious on my account, and I’m touched by your concern,” Twilight replied in earnest, trying to make the entire situation feel nonchalant. “It’s a human cultural activity. Strange as it is to me, I do not judge you for your ways. It was how you were raised, after all. May I ask a question, though?”
“That sounds like a terrible idea.” I was shaking my head. “In fact, I’m sure I’m going to regret this. Go on.”
“Do humans not have multiple genders?” Twilight looked very serious. In fact, if she had not looked so serious about it, I’d have thought she was making a poorly executed joke.
“I cannot fathom how you came to wonder such a thing, but yes. Males and females. Just like ponies.” I was still shaking my head, not wanting to think about where this was going.
“I’m just... confused. Usually, ponies... um... ‘pair up,’ I suppose, with their opposing gender,” Twilight said with a contemplative gaze.
“Oh man, I don’t like where this is going,” I said, starting to become quietly horrified. “Why do you ask?”
“Oh. Well, it just seemed... A lot of... speculative fiction was,” Twilight was starting to blush a bit as she spoke, “revolving around... A lot of female-only pairings.”
“I noticed that as well.” Luna looked at me with an amused smirk. “Why is that, Firewall?”
“Oh just… shut up, Luna,” I groaned, causing her to burst into a fit of laughter.
Twilight gaped, somewhat shocked that I was being so direct and familiar with Princess Luna.
“But I’m curious~!” she faux-whined in between her snickering.
I facehoofed. “No, you’re antagonizing. There’s a big difference. Look, Twilight... Best to describe it like this: Humans think of everything. And I mean everything. The human imagination runs wild. If you can think of something, there’s likely a human who’s taken it four steps further and put his ideas into some form of media that you can find on YouTube.”
“What’s YouT-...” she started to ask me before I cut her off.
“Skip it.” I shook my head, “That’s going to be an extremely long line of questions on an entirely different subject. And you can always ask Luna anyway, right? But I digress, the simplest way that I can put it is that you’re a popular medium in modern human culture, which means there is nearly endless amounts of ways to speculate on every unanswered question about you. Including your romantic preferences on everything from whether you like colts and/or fillies down to if you have any interest in Fluttershy.”
Twilight blinked, utterly stunned by that last part. “Y... You mean...?”
“Ummm... I didn’t mention anything about her ships, smart guy.” Luna held a hoof in front of her mouth as she began to laugh yet again.
“W... What?!” I began to panic. “Twilight, ignore what I said!”
“H-How can I!?” she shook her head, “What... That’s just... I don’t have time for a... relationship! I’m too busy... with studies and... Oh... Humans are so... weird! I thought Pinkie Pie was strange!”
“Okay! Let’s just drop this subject!” I cried, still panicking. Hell, I even broke out into a sweat. “Humans are strange! That works! Let’s just go with that! I am more than okay with shouldering that burden if we just forget about this subject. Right now.”
I looked at Luna. She was still sputtering mirthfully. I gave her an annoyed stare, which only made her erupt into an uncontrolled guffaw. Reflecting back on this, I think it’s fair to say all she needed was trollface.jpg printed out on paper and taped to her face to complete the effect. It took her nearly an entire minute to calm down, but that didn’t stop her from staring back with a huge shit-eating grin on her face. Apparently she forgot there was only enough room in Equestria for one smart ass.
“Okay. We’ll drop it,” Luna said, still smiling as brightly as the sun on the other side of Equestria.
Nopony said a word for the next several minutes. We just busied ourselves with doing unnecessary activities until the tension finally deflated. Just as I turned to say something, not patient enough to fly in silence for so long, Twilight actually slipped the first word in.
“So... Who am I often paired with?” she asked, trying to look halfway uninterested. Now, keep in mind, Twilight actually sucks at lying, so her half-flanked attempt at disinterest was about as transparent as a window with no glass.
“BWAHAHA!” The damn indigo alicorn actually lost control of the stupid —I’m sorry, A.S.C.A. you’re not stupid… I take it back!— carriage as she doubled over in laughter. We began to plummet, causing me to panic for an entirely new reason as I clung to the side of the carriage. Twilight snatched control of us, the terror of the situation about as apparent on her face as it was on mine. After a full two seconds of stabilizing our fall and another second for us unicorns to breath a sigh of relief, I pressed my face into the side of the coach and just whimpered.
“Kill me. Just kill me now,” I murmured, my words drowned out by Luna’s rambunctious laughing.
“Hahahaaaa~!” That was Luna, naturally.
“Princess, please, I’m not sure what’s so funny, but please, let’s not let that happen again.”
She tried to agree... or disagree? Hell, maybe she just laughs funny… Hell, I don’t know. All I could tell that despite whatever Luna wanted to do at the moment, she was much too busy laughing so hard that it looked painful. And it took a few minutes.
“See, Twilight,” I pointed out with a sigh, fetching about cigarette. “This is my life. You got Celestia and all the good natured magic training in the world. I got this.”
“Oh… Oh sun and stars…” Luna gasped, wiping at her watering eyes. “My tummy hurts…”
“Well, it’s your face that’s killing me!” I hollered, pretty bitter with the situation.
“Oh yeah? Well, Twilight, why don’t you ask Firewall here about the Human’s taboo fascination of Clopping.”
“You monster,” I breathed, my blood suddenly running cold.
“Taboo fascination? What’s-” She started to look my way and inhaled to genuinely do exactly what she was told but stopped the moment she realized that I was giving her the most horrified stare she’d likely ever seen me give. “Oh. I… I take it you would rather not talk about it.”
“Twilight, your powers of deduction have served you well this day. And if you ever regarded me as a friend, you will never bring it back up.”
“Aww, c’mon!” Luna nudged Twilight with a very deliberate smile that was just too wide to be healthy. “Want a hint?”
“Princess, please, can’t we just-”
“It has something to do with the human reproMmph~!”
I may have tackled Luna and smacked a hoof over her muzzle.
“Twilight, darling, I’m going to now throw Luna off the Carriage. Yes, I’m aware that she has wings and that this won’t amount to much. But it’s not about winning, Twilight. It’s about sending a message.”
And so I threw Luna, who was cackling like a maniac at the time, straight off the A.S.C.A.. And yes, she came right back with her stupid wings and picked right up from where she left off. But for those few seconds of silence. All was right in the world. But everything after that… Questions like:
“So, what’s so… alluring about the human tongue? Is one tongue more attractive than the other…?”
“So humans have wars with each other, right? How do you assure historic accuracy if only the winner is left?”
“Wait, so humans don’t have purple hair? … At all? How do you differentiate from each other if you all have the same five hair colors? And does the hair match all over?”
“Humans use the Golden Ratio to subconsciously attract themselves to a mate!? That’s… There’s something very… Wow, I just don’t know what to say! So wait, I recently did a study on where you can find the Golden Ratio on a lot of pony anatomy. Does that mean you find us attractive? … … W-What do you mean no? … … I’m not… ugly, am I?”
And it was like that for SIX. MORE. HOURS. I will tell you all, Twilight doesn’t have many flaws. In fact, she’s just got only three that I can name offhand. The first is that she’s obsessive compulsive to a fault on certain matters. The second I will tell you later. The third? She is insatiably curious and has no inhibition when it comes to learning anything about anything. I’ll just skip the details and let you know that it was a difficult six hours. I’d never been so happy to see Appleloosa in my life. Which made sense since I had never seen it in person (in pony?) before.
Now just to set the scene, (I really wasn’t interested in taking it in at the time, I was just ready to get away from those two) we all know what Appleloosa looks like by day. Multiply its population, though, and it’s a mess with a rainbow of ponies running everywhere. There were dozens of ponies swinging hammers at buildings and workbenches, all to accommodate their new guests and more to come. I’m sure I would have reflected on just how... perfectly communist it all was if I wasn’t so preoccupied with my upcoming getaway. In fact, I’m pretty sure George Orwell wrote a book on this.
“LAND!” I jumped off the A.S.C.A. and what was quite possibly my least enjoyable sky ride ever, “SWEET FREEDOM!”
With that, I ran away from Twilight and her incessant queries. I know I’m not a perfect pony to be around, but man, you get Twi started, and she can not stop. I mean, she tried. She really did. But Luna was there every time to toss in a subtle comment to get her started on something entirely new. It was the greatest trolling ever. She was a master troller. A pony has no business being such a master troll. The only thing she didn’t do was look at me and go U MAD, BRONY?!
“I’m sorry!” I could hear Twilight calling out to me apologetically, though it was difficult to make out between Luna’s gasps for air.
In my mad dash to escape, I was tackled yet again. Like, I’m not sure how Equestria says hello, but I’m pretty sure it involves some NFL level contact. Why a hoofshake couldn’t suffice is still beyond me. But yes, I was systematically smashed into the ground by a pink organism with pink hair and a pair of pink... NO! Blue eyes! Yes, it was Pinkie Pie, hugging me so hard that the intensity was matched only by the volume of the excited squeal that soon followed. My reaction was to try and get the number of that bus that ran me over. The local department of transportation would hear about this if it was the last thing I did!
“NO-NAME!” Her thrilled shriek pierced the air, causing everypony in Appleloosa within a two block radius to stop what they were doing and smile. “Now we get to NAME YOU!”
Now, I’ll have you know, I didn’t panic. I calmly waited out the throttling hug. And by ‘calmly,’ I mean flailed madly, and by ‘waited out,’ I mean as I nearly blacked out from lack of air from.
“Pinkie. Princess Luna named me already,” I broke the news to her as plainly as I could (wheezing breath notwithstanding), refusing to beat around the bush. Only because it was the only thing that I could think of that would get her to let me go long enough to breathe.
Much to my delight, she stared dumbfoundedly for a moment, slackening her grip around my neck long enough to process that thought, which was also long enough for me to get a few vital breaths in. Now, I was expecting that she might be a little put out by this news, and that we might have a Pinkamina moment, or just explode in a pink jealousy rage. The last thing I expected was for her to gasp before hugging my neck with the strength of Hercules yet again.
“That means you’re hers now!” she squealed, bouncing as she dislocated my vertebrae in her titanic embrace. “I’m so HAPPY FOR YOU~! She can afford the really expensive scratching posts and *GAAAAASP~!* All the CUPCAKES YOU COULD WANT~!”
“Pinkie,” I squeaked as my vision began to lose focus, “I’m happy, too. Let me go.”
“Okay!” she laughed as she released me before honking my nose (which was shockingly gentle, I might add). “Honk~! What did she name you?”
“Firewall,” I coughed out my answer as sat back.
“That’s great! Is it a wall made from fire?” She stuck her tongue out at me sarcastically. “What does it mean?”
“It mea-” I started to say.
“Wait until I tell the girls!” she interrupted me before turning around and running down the street.
“Ummm... Okay.” I scratched my head as I watched her fade into the distance. I continued on down main street and turned into what looked like the local watering hole. My first thoughts were actually pretty silly, like…
Oh man, I hope they serve a bitching martini; I’ve not needed a drink this badly in a long, long time.
Then I came back to reality and realized that this was dumb. Which is to say I came back to pony reality. Ponies don’t drink liquor. There’s never been liquor in the pony world. Who would do that? That’s stupid.
So with all that said, I flopped through the door and began scanning about for familiar faces. Found one, but it was a dumb face. Of that there was no doubt. Storm Wing.
Damn. Oh well, one can’t pick their friends noses and all that.
I trotted on over to him, halfway distracted by the fact that my hooves did not properly clop along the wooden floor.
“Salutations, Firewall,” Storm Wing murmured as I approached, able to see me without even looking my way. He gave a half-hearted wave, causing his armor to ring a tad when he set his hoof back down.
“Hey Storm. Listen, I need a second opinion: Can you hear my hooves?” I asked, not even looking at him. (Like he would care, right?)
“No. Can you hear your hooves?”
“Nah, dog.”
“Well, if they’re your hooves, and you can’t hear them, then it’s a pretty safe bet that no one else can hear them.”
I started to reply, but was interrupted by my pony-shoulder-thingy getting punched.
“Hey there, tough guy!” cried Rainbow Dash, having appeared out of nowhere. Like a magical pony. See, if I could have heard her hoofsteps, the surprise would have been less… surprising, I guess.
“Dash, no!” I whined as I turned her way, rubbing the spot she offended, “I still hurt all over.”
She smiled brightly before popping the other side faster than I could react. “There, now you’re evened out. And hey! Congrats on your name, Firewall!”
“Thanks!” I gave her a large goofy grin, holding up my hoof, which Dash laughed at before brohoofing me in the epic fashion that only befits two awesome ponies.
“You just get in?” she asked as she looked back at the barkeep. “One juice for my friend here.”
“Yeah. Pinkie caught me and tried to name me. I had to break the news that she missed out and that Luna gave me a name, although that only seemed to excite her even more,” I explained as I took hold of the cup of juice Dash was serving me. I noticed that Storm Wing was being awfully quiet. “Thanks, Dash!”
I knocked the glass back with a smile and felt a rush of nostalgia. I’d not had apple juice since I was a pre-teen.
“Huh? But Pinkie was there when Twilight told us.” Dash looked a tad confused, furrowing her brow in response.
“Ah, you made the classic blunder of assuming Pinkie Pie was paying attention,” I pointed out, not surprised by this in the least.
“Hah! Yeah, I guess that ain’t a safe bet!” she snickered with a wing shrug. “Oh, Pinkie Pie.”
“Mmmyes, one might say she is… so random,” I finished for her, causing her to start laughing with concurring nod. I looked again at Storm Wing, chuckling along with her before glancing at Rainbow Dash.
She caught my glance and looked back at him before nudging him with a wing. “C’mon, Sparky, it’s okay to relax during serious times. Laugh a little or you’ll end up crying instead!”
I resisted the urge to laugh at Rainbow Dash's choice of relevant monikers. It wasn’t hard to resist, however, after seeing that he wasn’t being his usual stiff self. I mean, Storm Wing being silent is just another day. Him being unresponsive was just a good day. But him showing an actual degree of visible dismay… Well, that was another thing altogether. I leaned about to look at him from the side to see that his expression was a sad one. Dash gave me a wing shrug before deciding to give us some dude time. Not that she didn’t belong in any bro circle. In fact, I’m pretty sure Rainbow Dash is more fitting in your typical bro circle than most bros are.
“I’ll catch you guys later. I’m going to go see if Starlight needs another cider.” She excused herself before smiling at me as she left. “Good to see you again, Firewall. By the way, tell Luna I approve of the name!”
“I’ll just smack her upside the head instead,” I half murmured to myself as I waved goodbye to Rainbow Dash.
I suddenly remembered that Storm could probably hear such privately spoken words and glanced his way to make sure he wasn’t about to hit me for saying such things. It was kind’ve a flinch, even. Like I was pre-wincing for the oncoming smack upside the head. But it never came.
Now more than a little perturbed, I turned back to Storm Wing and began gently poking him with my hoof. “Hey.”
“Hey,” He said quite plainly. “Glad you’re okay.”
“You alright?” I asked, ignoring his attempt at smalltalk.
“Yeah.” he shut his eyes and sighed.
“We’ll get her back, mate,” I reassured him, shaking my head at the barkeep pony (I wish I had asked his name. It was probably something cool like Wet Whistle or Sarsaparilla) when he gave us an asking glance, wondering if we needed another drink.
“The last time The Nightmare took an alicorn, it lasted for a thousand years,” he murmured as his ears drooped.
“Well, Nightmare Sol won’t even make it to her first birthday, I promise.” I set a hoof on his shoulder.
He faced my general direction before inhaling deeply. “Right. You’re right.”
“You don’t sound convinced.” He really didn’t. I was then struck with a thought that I blurted without thinking, “Storm Wing, have you ever even failed in a task?”
“What?” He opened his eyes, confusion now splayed on his visage.
“Have you ever been defeated? Or failed to carry out a mission?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.
“Not... Not really.” I was surprised to hear him say.
“Never?” It seemed a little too far fetched for me to swallow. “One thousand years and you never met a dragon you couldn’t bring down? Or had to retreat?”
“Well, retreating isn’t failure. Just a delay until victory,” he said earnestly, “and no, dragons aren’t very fast fliers, and when you fly faster than the fire they breathe, they’re quite a joke. Phoenixes are the worst, really. They've long memories and longer talons.”
I couldn’t help but feel he was exaggerating, at least a little. “Whatever. Repeat what you just said?”
“Phoenixes have… long memories?”
“Seriously, man? You think there’s something significant about phoenixes in what we’re talking about?” I rolled my eyes, knowing he couldn’t see it. “You know what I’m talking about.”
He blinked before letting a grin spread across his muzzle. Finally, he gave a chuckle and nodded. “You’re right. We’ve just retreated. It isn’t over. Victory has been delayed.”
“That’s right. We’ve taken a victory raincheck. And while that sucks, we’ve not lost; we’ve just put some distance between ourselves and our opponent, aka our victim,” I chuckled before hearing the bell at the door ring loudly. Curiosity provoked me to give it a glance before groaning, “Damn it all to hell.”
“What?” His eyes narrowed as he focused, trying to sense what I was seeing.
Luna was at the door with Applejack, walking towards the bar. Fortunately, her demeanor had changed from TROLL TEH FIREWALL to rather serious and determined. But in case anyone was wondering, no, that did not mean I was ready to play nice with her. I mean, six… hours. HOURS! HOOOUUURS!
As they approached, I did my best to ignore them, but Applejack seems to have never heard about a thing known as Volume Control, so pretty much everyone in the saloon got to hear her half of the conversation.
“An’ Braeburn says we should be able t’house everypony fer today, but we’re needin’ to chop down some’ah the orchard to take care’ah the ponies from Canterlot. Ah think they’ll fuss about the uh... rough livin’, though,” Applejack explained as she smiled over at me, acknowledging me with a nod as she continued to speak to Princess Luna. “Ah gotta say though, between you’n Twilight managin’ matters, things’ll be goin’ swimmin’ly, Ah reckon.”
“Swimmingly is the goal we’re shooting for.” Luna stared through me, pensively murmuring her reply, “Go ahead and take whatever you need from the orchard and clear as much land as you need. Tell your cousin he’ll be compensated as soon as order is reestablished. And if any of Canterlot’s citizens give you any grief, you send them straight to me. I’ll straighten out any pony that thinks he or she is more deserving than anypony else.”
“Your highness.” Storm Wing turned to her with a bow. “I’m glad you’re safe.”
“Likewise, Captain. And… just Luna will do.” She huffed before looking to Applejack once more. “Any other questions?”
“No, yer highness,” she replied instantly, not thinking about what Luna had just said.
“By the light of... Did you not just hear what I said to Storm Wing here? You call me anything but Luna again and I’ll have Storm Wing give you combat training for a week.” She facehoofed as she shook her head. “And trust me, I’ve seen what the Sky Archons go through. There’s a reason there have only been fifty Sky Archons in a thousand years.”
“Everypony cries on their first day,” Storm Wing pointed out with a smirk, supporting Luna’s argument. “Everypony.”
“S-Sorry, Ma’am... Um... Princess Luna! Ah... Luna!” Applejack looked rather intimidated, her face turning red. I was rather surprised. The only time I’d ever seen her sweat was when Pinkie Pie gave her that god-awful stare.
“That scare you, Applejack?” I asked with a laugh.
“Well... Shoot yeah! Ah saw’m fight off that big-headed showpony, Trixie!” She nodded vigorously. “It was none too kind, neither! She’ll be rubbing the bruise off her cutie-mark fer weeks!”
“Nothing but a stupid unicorn with a load of chaotic magic. She doesn’t even know how to use it properly,” he scoffed, a bit of his pride showing through. “Honestly, you probably could have taken her on your own, Applejack, strong as you are.”
I was getting all kinds of offended hearing Storm talk garbage about the best pony in the world, but they continued the conversation before I could butt in. Which is probably a first, or something.
“Well, uh... Ah’m not much fer fightin’,” Applejack blushed a bit more as she stammered. Her modesty was quite endearing. “Anyway... Ah’ll see everypony later. Ah need t’help get everythin’ ready for the ponies on their way. Good t’see ya again, Firewall. Be grateful an’ such. Not everypony gets named by the princess, after all. Ya’ll stay safe, now.”
“Trust me, she’s made up for it with other shenanigans.” I waved at her as she turned to leave. “Peace AJ!”
We all watched her leave for a moment before Luna spoke up, looking back my way with a smirk, “Still bitter?”
“I am so bitter that you could probably use me instead of black coffee to wake you up in the morning,” I huffed irritably.
“Awww, but you seem so sweet~!” she teased before laughing, glancing at Storm Wing. “Did everypony make it?”
“Yes, your highness,” he responded with an affirming nod.
“Storm Wing,” she cut her eyes his way, “what did I just tell Applejack?”
“As long as I am your Captain, you will be my Princess.” His voice sounded as though he was willing to get in a fight over the matter.
“I’ve no problems promoting Starlight, you know. At least she can drop formality when I order her to.” I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not, but I could tell that Storm Wing didn’t find it funny either way. It made sense that they had conflicting personalities. After all, Luna isn’t formal in the least, and Storm Wing was nothing but strict order and discipline.
“Woah, woah, woah.” I stepped in between them as Storm Wing set his jaw, ready to hash it out on the spot. “Really you two are being stubborn on a stupid matter. Let it go. Storm Wing, learn to relax when ponies are trying to be relaxed. Luna, don’t escalate something so pointless just because somepony feels strongly about an idea that opposes yours.”
“Butt out,” Storm Wing growled as Luna stepped around me.
“This doesn’t concern you, Firewall,” she snapped at me before looking at Storm Wing, her eyes narrowing in determination. Her voice had suddenly shifted to a higher volume and a stronger tone, “Are you questioning my orders, Captain Storm Wing?”
It suddenly came to me that she sounded almost exactly like Celestia. Like her sister, she was showing that she could leave no room to argument, but I could tell Storm Wing was not able to tell just yet.
He glared for a moment before lowering his eyes and bowing yet again. “No, your majesty.”
“Then you use my name when I tell you to. You’re an example. If my own Captain doesn’t follow my orders, then why should anypony else,” she clarified, her voice still firm and above reproach. “Do you understand?”
I blinked in shock. Luna really knew how to step up to the plate whenever she needed to.
“Yes,” he replied, remaining bowed.
“Marvelous. Now, how are you today, Storm Wing?” she asked, raising her head and staring down her nose at him.
“I am not doing well... … Luna,” he answered forcibly, looking as though he was going to be sick.
“Hey.” She cantered over to raise him to up. Without warning, she suddenly pulled him into a hug, catching everypony off guard and for several seconds, nopony said anything. Even all the other bar patrons were staring at the two of them in shock. Their nosiness shook me from my stunned gaping, causing me to glare at them all. I don’t like nosy people or nosy ponies!
“Do any of you ogling rubbernecks have bloody camera?! Because a picture’s going to last a lot longer,” I shouted at them, causing all of them to quickly go about their business, somewhat ashamed of their own snoopiness.
“Thanks, Firewall,” Luna murmured before breaking the hug and looking down. She began whispering softly, “Look, Storm... We know I’m not used to leading. I could barely manage to train Firewall on how to use unicorn magic. It was like chewing nails, trust me.”
“Hey!” I was offended, to say the least.
She ignored me completely. “I’m going to need your help. I don’t know if you can tell or not, but I’m actually scared out of my horseshoes. I just... You took care of my sister while I was gone... And now I need you to take care of me as I do my best to fill in for her. Please.”
Storm Wing’s stunned expression faded into regret before steeling itself in determination. He nodded with a dire look on his face. “I’m sorry about the attitude, your... Luna. I promise you, I’ll do everything in my power to help you and nothing less.”
“Thank you,” she said with a deep breath, sighing it out and giving a yawn. “I need a rest. I’ve placed a spell to hold the Moon in place. If it starts to move, come wake me up.”
“Sleep well, Luna,” Storm Wing offered politely.
She smiled at him then looked to me expectantly.
“Still bitter,” I reminded her after a moment of awkward silence. “Like. Maximum bitter. So like go tuck yourself. In bed.”
“But,” she pouted, sticking out her bottom lip expectantly. I had to look away. Even if she was a primary source of annoyance, she had mastered the art of the cute and undeniable pout through thousands of years of having used it on Celestia. “Pleeaaase?”
“Now why does he get the magic word and I get the royal talk down?” Storm Wing huffed irritably.
Because Screw You, Captain Storm Wing! (S.C.S.W.C. 11)
“Shush,” she ordered before looking at me one last time. “You’re going to hurt my feelings~!”
“Jesus, I sure hope so.” I let out a humorless laugh. “I’d get behind them and suplex the hell out of them if I could.”
“Hey!” I heard a small voice come from beneath me. We all looked down to see a tiny yellow pony with red hair and a large pink ribbon in the back. Luna and I both gasped, recognizing her right away. “Ya’ll kin give th’princess due respect! She’s just askin’ fer a ‘good night’ after all!”
“Applebloom! It’s so good to see you again!” I gasped, going parallel with the floor to look her straight in the eye. “You are ADORABLE. Wait… If you’re here… Where are the other crusaders!?”
“Oh, they’re here!” She sarled, entirely unprepared for such familiarity, “Ready to strike if ya’ll don’t start showin’ proper reverence! What’d she ever do to you?”
That’s a big word for a such a tiny pony.
I was barely able to restrain myself from squeeing at her. Luna proved she still had no self control in that department and had to cover her mouth with a hoof as she cackled. Storm Wing looked down at the little filly and promptly turned back around to the bar. Somepony doesn’t like kids. Me? I love kids that are right around that six-year old stage, especially when their parents actually had the balls to keep them straightened out and such.
“Loads, little Bloom. Loads of things,” I muttered gravely. “Things that you couldn’t possibly stand to hear. In fact, it may comes as a surprise to you, but Princess Luna is a real jerk. Fact.”
“Y’all can’t call the princess a jerk!” she protested, glaring at me ADORABLY.
Naturally, my reaction was initially to pick her up and run around the room with her in the air just out of impulse. I was barely able to refrain from such a display, but it was harder than I thought it would have been. But I’ll be real, the only thing that stopped me was realizing I didn’t have hands to hold her up whilst running about… But if I’d been in my normal body, I’d have been sprinting around with a flailing pony for, like, hours or something.
“I just did. Whatcha gonna do about it, tiny?” I taunted with a big smile.
“Cutie Mark Crusader Princess Defenders!” I heard two small voices cry out from behind me and before I could look, it was on. I had Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo on my back, jumping up and down on me as Applebloom grabbed my face in an attempt to wrestle it to the ground and hold me there. Fortunately, they were doing absolutely no damage with their endearing efforts, but I let them think they were. Kids are cool. With a false cry of strain, I rolled to my side and let myself be ‘pinned’ to the ground.
“Blergh!” I blerghed.
“Well done, Crusaders!” Luna cried out after a minute or so of laughing at my expense (I am still not allowed to win, I see). “Let’s see if he’s willing to cooperate now.”
“You’re such a pushover, Firewall,” I heard Storm Wing comment as I was released from the tiny assault.
I got back up, feigning injury before sighing and looking at Luna. “Well, Luna... It seems I’ve been defeated. Curse you and your protectors.”
“Watch it!” Scootaloo growled warningly.
“You cannot talk to the princess that way!” Sweetie Belle declared, cutting a glare my way.
“Right! Now ya’ll apologize an’ wish her a good night! Or we’ll give ya more’a the same!” Applebloom threatened, waving a clenched hoof at me. How she managed that, I’ll never know.
“Well, Firewall?” She smirked arrogantly behind her damned wall of cute and cuddly defenders. “Let’s hear it.”
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and steeling myself for what was to come. After a moment of consideration, I simply shook my head. “Nah! You’ll have to beat it out of me!”
“Oh, I am next in line as soon as they’re done,” Storm Wing offered as the Cutie Mark Crusaders charged me again.
I leaped over them, smiling at Luna as I ran past her. I did whisper as I passed by, though, “Good night.”
“You cannot run from us!” Sweetie Belle cried out as I made for the door.
For the next few hours or so, I exhausted myself running from the Crusaders. We entertained a lot of ponies with our nonsense, running around like a bunch of idiots. Being nearly five times their height, there was no way they could keep up on hoof, so they started getting creative. This involved splitting up and heading me off. I answered by ambushing loners and putting them in buckets that they were too small to get out of or putting them up on high surfaces that they couldn’t easily get down from. Then they tried using the scooter and wagon, to which I used the wheel’s greatest enemy: the stair. Eventually, though, I ran out of will and simply flopped over in the middle of a grassy patch just on the edge of the apple orchard after another foot race. Much to my fortune, they were equally beat and merely proceeded to poke at me lazily as they made their demands.
“Ya’ll... thought ya’ll... could git away.... eh?” Applebloom panted through her words.
“Now, yer... gonna get it,” Scootaloo swore to me, lazily flopping across my shoulder. “I’ll... hold him down.”
“Good job... Scoots...” Sweetie Belle likewise lounged upon my neck, giggling a tad, “Do you... surrender?”
“Well, okay,” I said with a tired laugh. “But I’m... not getting up for... a few minutes.”
“F... Fine,” Applebloom agreed to that, sitting back against me, her breath still coming in gasps. “Ya’ll... kin take a br... break.”
“But don’t... don’t expect us to go easy on you,” Scootaloo mumbled lazily.
“Of course not,” I snorted softly, staring at the closest apple tree for no particular reason. “I’ve learned my lesson. I’ll never sass the princess ever again.”
Hah! HAHAHA! … Ahh… That was such a lie.
“Did we... get our cutie marks?” Sweetie Belle asked, too tired to look herself.
I chuckled again, inhaling the scent of the sweet apple orchard and smiling. With the moon in the sky, it was actually rather easy to see everything. The beautiful stars twinkled down at me, and the troubles of Nightmare Sol and Azure Flora seemed so far away. This is what Equestria is supposed to feel like, I told myself. A soft breeze floated our way, carrying a bit of a chill, and the Crusaders all shifted away from it a bit. It wasn’t long before I heard Scootaloo snoring, and I realized I had become a bed.
“Great,” I murmured lowly, craning my neck to look at them. Surely enough, they were all passed out. I smiled and gently lifted them all up with a bit of unicorn magic before placing them on my back after standing. With the utmost of care, I began to walk back into town, thoughtfully keeping the air around me warm on their behalf. As I made my way back in, I quickly remembered I had no idea where to go. I wandered about for a bit, looking for a familiar face. Thankfully, I found a pair of said faces, but was a little hesitant. It was both Miss Rarity and Fluttershy sitting under a table umbrella with a candle illuminating them as they sipped at their beverages.
I had to pause for a moment, taking that image in. I’ve no clue what they were getting at with the umbrella; were they trying to beat the heat or avoid a moon burn? It was night!
They were sipping at what I could only assume was tea. I steered my approach to come up behind Fluttershy. Rarity spotted me and gave me an odd look, but I held up a hoof and shooshed quietly. She was confused, but amicable enough to agree. I slipped up behind the yellow pegasus and leaned over to whisper right into her ear.
“Boo,” I said suddenly, causing her to jump and squeak a bit in shock. I laughed quietly as she turned around, panting a bit in fear, “You’re going to wake them up, Fluttershy. You’re such a loudmouth.”
“Oh... It’s you!” Her exclamation, while excited, carried the decibel strength of a mouse’s heartbeat. She smiled at me and nodded, turning to Rarity with a quiet giggle, “Rarity, this is the one Twilight was talking about.”
“Firewall, she said?” She smiled after I nodded my confirmation. “It is quite a pleasure to meet you. How do you do, my good gentlecolt?”
“Splendid, milady,” I answered with a polite nod, speaking softly. “You wouldn’t happen to know where I can... drop off this cargo, would you?”
“Awwww~!” Fluttershy was quietly examining the crusaders, gently brushing Scootaloo’s hair and causing her to happily moan in response. “They’re such angels~!”
“I’ve just the place in mind,” Rarity said with a pleasant smile. “I should thank you for occupying them. I was afraid they would get in trouble or disrupt some pony’s hard work.”
“They’re so cute~!” Fluttershy cooed to no one in particular as she continued to feed her inner Squee.
“Nah, they just need some attention.” I gave a nod before looking myself over, grimacing at how sweaty and dirty I was. (YES, I’D BEEN BATHING FOR THOSE WHO WERE WONDERING!) “And I need a bath. Badly.”
“Well, I certainly wasn’t going to be rude and make assumptions,” she said with a strained smile. “I suppose you have no place to stay.”
“I figured Luna would...” I started to say before I was cut off.
“Princess Luna,” she reminded me, “and I’ll take that as a no. Come with me, then. I’ll see you shortly, Fluttershy.”
“Awww.” Fluttershy was saddened at the prospect of leaving the crusaders, but she nodded and smiled nonetheless. “Just as well. I need to get back to finding the animals their homes while they’re here.”
“Trust me, Miss, she hates the formality. She’s... more practical than that,” I explained, trying to think of a way to tell Rarity that Princess Luna did not behave like a princess at all.
“You sound as though you’ve spoken with her.” she smiled, looking back at me as she led me through the streets to one of the recently constructed homes. The difference between this house and the ones directly beside it was that the wood had been polished, sanded, painted, and decorated from top to bottom in ribbons, etchings, and greenery.
“Oh, Twilight didn’t explain everything, I see.” I gave a chuckle as we entered.
Rarity looked back at me as she began to scan about her home for something, “I beg your pardon?”
“I’m the human that appeared the same time the crater did. Went to Canterlot, and Luna decided I needed to learn how to use magic like a proper unicorn.”
Really, it was the quickest explanation that I could have come up with.
“Oh, that dreadful thing,” she gave a haughty laugh. “What an eyesore, don’t you think?”
“Days upon days of lost sleep, milady,” I laughed as I rolled my eyes. She smiled at my humor, taking it all in good stride.
“Where were you at that time, anyway?” I couldn’t help but be curious.
“Oh, I was actually in Canterlot, fashioning a few new dresses with Hoity Toity,” she replied nonchalantly as she sighed in frustration, still searching for whatever it was that eluded her. “The gentlecolt has an eye for spotting fashion, and an even better one towards marketing such beautiful work, but I must say, he’s not much of a designer himself.”
“This really isn’t fazing you in the least, is it?” I was smirking, amazed at just how interested she seemed without being enthusiastic about the situation. Then it hit me that she was doing so intentionally, to which she confirmed with her response.
“A lady must keep her composure, my good sir. It’s all fascinating and certainly frightening, I assure you, but I’ve learned that a pony must keep her wits about her if she’s to make any progress.”
“You know... You’re the toughest pretty-girl, ever. Props to you, Miss Rarity,” I said in all honesty. “You’re actually something of a popular culture icon where I come from, and are admired for keeping such poise and grace, even under pressure.”
“Why thank you, Mister Firewall, your homeland already sounds wonderful,” she feigned modesty with a hoof covering her cheek just as she finally found what she was looking for. “Celestia’s tears, that’s where it was!”
She yanked a furniture sheet out from under her couch, tossed it into the air, and let it billow out with her magic before settling it back over the couch.
“Please, just Firewall. So, you’ve been here all of what... a few hours? It looks as though you’ve spent days decorating just the walls,” I proclaimed as I looked about. Not a drop of paint was out of place, nor a bit of sawdust adorned her floors. Her colors of warm pink carpeting and stark white walls blended well, and I could tell that she had gone out of her way to acquire a special thinner for her paint. I could smell that very particular resin that my uncles had sworn by, proclaiming anything not made with this certain plant or tree or whatever was not worth the time (Yeah, I kinda tuned them out when they got to talk about the exciting world of PAINT. HOLD ME THE HELL BACK!).
“Well, it is my gift after all. Here we are.” She beckoned me over to the couch and one by one, we transferred the somewhat dirty crusaders from my back to the couch. They were so small that they weren’t even slightly crowding each other’s space, but after a moment, they inched their way to one another, piling up like tired puppies.
“Heavens, I must confess that they’re absolutely darling when they’re not conscious and making such a fuss,” she admitted with a smile, running a hoof over Sweetie Belle’s mane. “They must have been such a trouble.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. Kids are fun,” I told her with a confident smile. “Nothing to it, really. You just have to remember how to be a kid.”
“That doesn’t sound very... mature, if you don’t mind my saying,” she teased with a soft titter before moving to the closet and bringing me a towel. My first thought was that Rarity had done her homework for hitchhiking across the galaxy.
“Well, a wise man once said, that the desire to be an adult is a child’s way. A healthy and maturing child’s way, mind you, but a child’s way nonetheless,” I began to roughly quote C.S. Lewis. “As you grow to become an adult, though, you set away childish things, including the urgent desire to be an adult.”
“Why... I never thought of it that way,” she looked somewhat surprised, mulling over the profound words. “What else did this gentlecolt say?”
“He also said that one never truly possesses anything until they can give it away,” I gave a chuckle, wondering if she would get the philosophical implications.
“I see... That... actually makes perfect sense. If one is unwilling to part with their possessions then, in a way, it is more as though that one belongs to their possessions,” she mused aloud. It was my turn to be stunned, this time at how quickly she had thought it through. I’ve met hundreds of people that still think all C.S. Lewis meant was to just start giving everything away because he was a drug addicted author. Before I could comment on how much she had impressed me, Rarity rushed me along, “And speaking of possessions, you will find my washroom behind you. It’s very clean and you may use whatever you like, but I simply ask that you put everything back where you found it.”
“Thank you, Miss Rarity. You truly are the Element of Generosity.” I gave her a sweeping bow, simply because I was aware that she would appreciate the somewhat dramatic effort.
“Not at all, my dear. After all, you saved one of my best friends,” she shushed me with a prize winning smile. “It’s the least I can do.”
“I did?” I gave her a puzzled glance, stopping just as the bathroom door.
“Oh, do you not remember? Rainbow Dash was saved thanks to your efforts, Firewall,” she reminded me with a nod, “It must be quite a heroic life you lead if you so quickly forget about the ponies you save.”
“Hah! Not so much. Wow, that seems so long ago, actually. It’s been a little while, hasn’t it?” I smirked, somewhat surprised at how the time was flying, yet it wasn’t moving so quickly after all.
“Indeed. Now run along, we can chat later.” She gave me a dismissive wave of her hoof. “I will look after the girls.”
“Yeah, now that the hard part is over with,” I gave a laugh as I entered the bathroom.
“Why, I simply do not know whatever it is you’re talking about,” her voice feigned sorrow. It actually reminded me of Luna’s sarcastic nature, only more... ladylike.
As I settled into the bathroom and drew the bathwater (I’ve not taken an actual bath-bath in years. Just showers. That alone was pretty cool.), I began to marvel once again how good and trusting the ponies were. Rarity’s generosity truly did touch me, and while she wasn’t my favorite of the Mane 6, she was definitely the one I could grant the most respect to. I’ve always been able to look up to the truly independent and consistent for being able to take the heat and still keep everything in their life together. Parasprite attacks excluded, I’d never seen Rarity panic for a very long time. I didn’t get the impression that she was just naive and didn’t understand the situation, but that she knew to keep on keeping on.
Finally, I let myself sink into the steaming hot water and sighed, submersing as much of me as I possibly could. I shut my eyes and relaxed, suddenly aware of all the aches and bruises for the first time in a long time.
“Feels good, pony,” I murmured. “Feels good.”
“Having a good time?” A familiar voice penetrated the silence, “Firewall.”
Oh great. Even stupid bird is here.