Dreaming of Screaming
Walking through the streets of Unitas, Sin took in the city welfare.
Dull grey and tanned building towered over him as the echoes of thousands of voices permiated the air. The stallion couldn't walk three feet without bumping into someone else walking the opposite direction, or having someone push past. Unitas, being the Capital of the state of North New Equine, was a major metropolitine area.
And Sin hated metropolitine areas. It wasn't just the fact there were ponies everywhere with little chance to quietly think, but the laws and politics there in.
He walked by a group of ponies and dogs proclaiming socialism to be the most beneficial standard in which to run the country on one side, with another sect of socialism from across the street pushed itself as the superior form of government. Both demonized the other, but idolized the state and demanded its expansion.
They didn't use the words "state" or "socialism" but anyone with half a socio-economically inclined brain could tell what "universal healthcare" and "higher minimum wages" would bring.
Sad things was, it was younger types, individuals around his own age. Little shits who thought they knew a thing or two about how socio-economics worked because they took a fucking government class in college.
It was as maddening as it was breath taking, Sin himself had been dismissed so many times because of his age and assumed political allegiance to his peers, when nothing could be farther from the truth. He liked capitalism, free markets and trade were the most efficient system of economics, as far as he was concerned. History had proven this time and time again. Hell, Equestria was lauded as the world's leader in Utopism, and it was a primarily capitalist society on the fucking golden bit, for Tapio's sake! A single Equestrian bit was a half a quarter of an ounce of gold, and they traded one for a fucking carrot!
Of course, Sin was a stallion of results. So many clung to virtue ethics and proceeded through mental gymnastics of justification and rationalization when "good hearted" programs have bad results. Unlike many, he believed negative consequences were a necessary part of life, that negative consequences are what kept free citizens in line.
Yet so many would demonize negative consequences, and his love of them, and blame something else other than their "good hearted" and "progressive" mindsets. All the while condemning Sin and ponies like him as "evil" for the beliefs that decisions had to have both good and bad outcomes.
As the oaken pegasus continued through town, he began to notice the density of the crowd slowly start to teeter off. Nothing nefarious or intimidating, ponies going inside random buildings or walking out of his view, but he was in the "Glass Tower" business district. The part of Unitas that did not know peace or rest.
He stopped at a street corner and decided to wait the dream out. Sin should have known it was a dream right away, he'd never returned to the Federation, yet here he was, back in the same town he'd been banished from.
In short order, much too short, the streets were cleared, the hustle and bustle of the crowd had gone deathly silent, with nothing but a low wistle of wind to show that Sin hadn't lost his hearing.
With a sigh, the Federalist prepared himself for whatever horror would be presented to him.
The nightmares had become more and more horrifying lately. While before they were just showing him visions of failure like resistance against either Triple M.'s Corperate dictatorship, or a Changeling infestation, now they were becoming more... personal.
Sin could deal with combat and seeing a cause he'd fought for fail, he was used to seeing his efforts amount to nothing. Hours upon hours of study, research, simplification and presentation, all to have it spat back into his face... That he was experienced in and much too hardened against for simple visions to hurt.
However, the Alicorn had seen where his weakness was, his friends.
Sin couldn't count the number of times he'd seen the last conversation between he and Big Macintosh played over and over again in the dreamscape. This wouldn't have been so bad if the dream of events weren't constantly altered. Words said between the two that he knew, for a fact, were never spoken. As if reliving the same conversation over and over wasn't bad enough, the Alicorn now tried to taint his memories.
It was subtle, at first. Mac making slightly varied replies to what Sin had said when the two were in the Canterlot dungeons. But soon enough, other ponies were with the red stallion, condemning the Federalist and saying he deserved to be where he was. That everything that happened to him was the result of his own doing and missgivings to the world.
On a particularly cruel occasion, the Alicorn showed Sin a disgustingly vivid act of Macintosh having sex with Uppity outside of the Federalist's cell. Going on with the speal about how Mac was a "real stallion" and how Sin had never made any sexual advances upon Uppity because he wasn't "stallion enough".
Sin had to admit, that cut him pretty deep. Even if it was just a dream, cuckoldary was a fierce hot button for him.
He knew his memories were being altered, suggestions being made to drive him into seclusion and isolation. As things were, that didn't really bother him too much anymore. What did bother him was the fact the dreams were tampering with honest memories, his experiences in life were being rewritten by this thing, and despite his emotional control, he had absolutely no way to stop it.
All he could do was write down the truth in a journal, and look at the words again and again; trying to force the pleasant realities over the cynical lies that tainted his mind.
And now, here Sin was again, about to have his memory rewritten once more.
"Hey Sin."
The stallion looked up to find Ace smiling at him. An uncharacteristically cheerful smile. "What are you doing here?"
"Waiting." Sin replied dryly, his eyes darting around for a second out of paranoia.
"That's great! I've been waiting too!" The golden unicorn chirped. Sin waited for him to explain what he was waiting for, but he didn't until the oaken pony gestered for him to.
"I'm waiting for the collapse, of course!"
"Why?"
"So I can point and laugh."
Sin quirked a brow, Ace would never say anything like that. The unicorn pony was as much a life worshiper as most everybody else and constantly debated the former senator on his desire to watch the country burn.
Ace shook his head. "No, no. You've got it all wrong, Sin. You see, I'm finally seeing what you've been saying this whole time!" He stopped and looked around at the disturbingly desolate city. "The citizens, they let this happen. They were too foolish and self absorbed to see the consequences of their actions; and now they deserve to suffer for it."
Chuckling, the stallion shook his head. "If you're going to impersonate Ace, at least get him right at first and then have him twist into something else. I'm almost insulted by the lack of effort put into this one."
Ace's happy smile fell to a dark grin. The city around began to become distorted, a lens of disorientating haze covered the building surrounding the two. Sin kept his grin and watched Ace intently.
"They deserve to suffer because they didn't fight back when their right's were violated." The golden pegasus declared, his voice twisted and echoing with an all to familiar feminine coo.
Sin laughed, he cackled a maniachle and cruel laugh that chilled the very air around him. "Hehehehe. Ahhh, that's funny."
Ace tilted his head and quirked a brow, his grin faltering a little. "And what, pray tell, is so funny?"
Sin wiped a non-existent tear from his eye and brought his breathing under control. "The real Ace knows that I don't believe in concept of rights, he knows better than to use that word with me."
The dream pony's grin fell completely, leaving a thoroughly perplexed stallion with eyes that demanded an explination.
It wasn't all that difficult really. "Rights" as the were often called, were supposedly "unalienable" ideas that every sentient being was entitled to. However, as Sin saw it, if something could be taken away, it wasn't a right, it was a privilege, and all privileges had to be fought for and protected. Oh, he used the word, for the sake of conveying his point, but he didn't believe in them for one simple reason.
The term had with it: a false sense of security and ensuing sense of entitled complacency. That a supposed "right" would always be respected and wouldn't need to be worked for. In a sense, he hated "rights" because ponies easily and quickly took them for granted. They were things that were just "always going to be there, not matter what."
Until they weren't.
And then the pony who was so zelous in their "rights" suddenly lost them all because of someone put a bolt through their head. Taking away their little "right to life" and every other right they ever thought they had.
Sin chuckled again, the look of utter confusion on the dream's face was absolutely priceless.
"If'n ya don't believe in rights, then why are ya on the run?"
Sin took a breath and turned to find Big Macintosh standing in the street before him.
"To protect my alleged "right" to be free, of course." Sin frowned. "Seriously, do you guys just not listen to a word I say?"
"I don't think that's why he's running."
The Federalist sighed and turned around again, this time Spike was the party to speak, though they were no longer in Unitas, but... Ponyville?
"I think he's running because he knows he doesn't belong with us. Never did." Spike declared, folding his arms over his chest.
Sin furrowed his brow. It wasn't really a lie... he... never really felt like he fit in with the residents of Ponyville, or other Equestrians for that matter. Most of the ponies there were nice and genuinely happy, even Cranky Donkey. Sin? He was never happy, he rarely smiled, didn't talk to anyone outside of what was absolutely necessary and was a total recluse.
Still though, he'd made friends, that counted for something, right?
"Does it?"
Sin turned his head to find Twilight Sparkle glowering at him. "You've made friends with Spike, Macintosh, and Shade. That's three friends, three friends in the entire year you've been here. In that time, how many enemies have you made?"
"Quite a few." Sin answered honestly, the unicorn nodded and began listing off every single pony who hated his guts. It was a rather impressive list, one Sin took great pride in, especially when Luna's name came up at the end.
"Twelve enemies. You have a fraction of the number of friends as you have enemies, does that sound like an environment of belonging to you? We haven't even factored in the ponies, such as myself, who don't consider you an enemy, but have a healthy dislike of you."
"I'd imagine that list is also quite extensive. Though to be fair, most of my enemies are in the political sphere and half of them are currently dead, so I don't really feel all that bad about it."
"Because you have no regard for life." Spike declared, phasing in next to Twilight. "How many ponies have you murdered in your life?"
"Again, Quite a few."
Spike glared at the pony, a glare that made Sin's eye began to twitch with anticipation. He recognized that glare, from when the drake struck him after the air ship battle against the Judgement in the Gonshinian. The first time Spike had ever seen him kill.
A sudden sense of dread coursed through Sin's veins. "I've killed to protect others, you should know that most of all."
"Really? Then why did you kill me?" Another pony appeared, this one a face the pony hadn't seen in a very long time. Mallet.
Feeling his emotions well, Sin fought to keep his logical mind at the forefront, stating that Mallet's death was his own doing in suicide.
"He killed himself 'cause of you!" Big Mac declaired, phasing in beside him. "Ya ruined him beyond redemption n' repair. Ya made a pony end his own life ta prove a point."
"I didn't make him do anything." Sin seethed, feeling his temper begin to flare.
Twilight tilted her head. "Oh, so if you hadn't challenged him, he would still be dead?"
"No, but it was-"
"So you admit it!" Spike declaired triumphantly. "You admit that you made him kill himself!"
"No, I was a variable, bu-"
He was cut off again by another round of jeers from the dream ponies before him.
"You did kill me!"
"It's your fault he's dead."
"You can't deny it."
"You don't respect life."
"You don't belong here."
The stallion frowned and tried to ignore them. He had a reason why he wasn't totally at fault for Mallet's death, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember what it was.
Maybe he really did kill Mallet? No, no, Mallet's death was a suicide. Yes, he was a variable, but that didn't make him the cause. It wasn't aggression, he shouldn't feel guilty about it... Right? It wasn't aggression, it wasn't aggression.
Found himself mentally repeating the phrase over and over again in his mind, clinging to it like a life raft as the guilt and shame of being a murderer swept over him like tidal waves.
"We respect life here in Equestria!"
It wasn't aggression.
"You don't belong here."
It wasn't aggression.
"Y'all don't deserve friends."
It wasn't aggression.
"Murderer!"
It wasn't aggression.
"I DIDN'T FUCKING KILL HIM!" Sin shouted, his voice full of desperation, but to no avail. Each of them was still chanting reasons for his fault and lack of belonging in Equestria.
Sin's logic escaped the pony as his emotional mind pushed forth into the dream, why was this happening? Why did he feel such overwhelming shame over this. He knew there was a logical reason to absolve himself of shame, but it seemed like such small point now. He'd murdered someone, he ended a life, and now that it was being shoved into his face and shamed for it, he genuinely felt something more than regretful guilt for it.
But why? Why was this happening now? He didn't know, he felt like he should have known, but he couldn't figure it out. His mind was too flooded by emotion to make a logical or even coherent thought other than acceptance to the atrocities he'd committed.
It wasn't fair though, it wasn't fair that they were blaming him. They were't there, they didn't know what happened. How could they? Sin stood alone against his opponents, alone as the crowd scorned and jeered him. Where were they? Why weren't they there if they were so self righteous about friendship and community?
They didn't understand, they couldn't understand! How many life threatening situations had they been put into where it was kill or be killed? How many times had they been on their own with no help? Always having to be the brains of the operation, always having to do the heavy lifting, always having to endure the scorn and contempt, the hatred and stinging words because nobody else would or could make the hard decisions; and take all of it with a stoic face to hide weakness and just how tired he was.
Fuck them. If they wanted to scorn him for doing what he needed to do, than they could go fuck themselves.
Fuck them! Fuck Equestria! Fuck Spike, Fuck Mac, Fuck Twilight and double Fuck Mallet. Communist peice of shit he was, Sin was glad he was dead. Fucker deserved it.
"Then why are you still in Equestria?" Another voice... one that made Sin tense. The four that were in front of him had disappeared, leaving Sin alone with who was now behind him. Feeling himself trembling, the stallion turned to find Malich standing a few feet away.
"You've all but admitted you don't belong here and are among ponies who will never understand you." Malich stated in a calm tone, a tone Sin was convinced meant to mock him. "Even if you weren't a fugitive of the law, how long do you think this would have lasted? Uppity, your friends, your life in Ponyville? Do you really think life worshipers like them had ever really forgiven you for what you've done?"
The pony gestured and a two dozen visions of small ponies and griffons appeared on the ground. Some had bolts in their chests, others hung from ropes, and a few lay on the ground with various medicines sitting besides them. One of them was Sickle, his eyes wide with horror as he lay on the cobble stone of Unitas.
Sin's breathing became labored as he realized what it was he was being shown.
These were the individuals killed by his influence. Both direct, and in direct. As his eyes shifted between them, he could remember each and every single one in vivid detail. There was Commander Hurricane, his most recent kill. A mugger pony he'd killed during his time with Triple M. A former Senator who he'd humiliated so badly she ran out of the senate chamber in tears, the griffon he'd shot out of the sky over Trottingham.
So many lives ended because of him, so much blood on his hooves.
How could he live among life worshipers when he bore so much death?
"You can't." Malich said. "You could never tell them your deepest secrets. Do you think Uppity or Macintosh would ever look at you the same if they knew the truth? If they knew about the sins you've committed and the lives you've ruined? You've spent so much time justifying it to yourself so you could pretend to live among them happily, but we both know the truth. We both know this little fantasy life of yours was never meant to last."
Down, deep down, Sin knew the words to be true.
There was never any real hope of acceptance in Equestria. It was his place of refuge, a place of escape where he'd come to after he'd failed to both fight for individualism and personal responsibility as well as ending his own life.
For all of Sin's service, what good had he accomplished here? Releasing a few ponies from jail, quelling a failed communist uprising, and cutting a few ordinances that were already being reinstated. That was it, that was all he had to show for all of his efforts in life. Over twenty ponies died because of him. Over twenty ponies who were just living their lives and doing what they thought was right, over twenty families would never see a loved on again because of his actions... and for what?
Nothing. Nothing but delaying the inevitable.
"Poor Sin."
The stallion slumped, depression swarming over him as a final voice whispered from just behind. Sin could feel the alicorn behind him now, but he didn't care. He was too lost in his thoughts and confused guilt to concern himself with whatever she wanted.
"You've worked so hard, sacrificed so much to try and do the right thing, and all of it amounting to nothing or worse."
Sin felt something press up against his back and begin to rub his withers, gentle and circular motions began to unravle his tense body and mind as the calming words of the Alicorn soothed his ears.
"You've been alone for so long, surrounded by ponies who could never understand you. Ponies who you desperately wished you could open up to."
He knew it was wrong, but something about the Alicorn, about Nightmare Moon, soothed the tempest within his mind. He leaned back into her hoof, finding his back braced against her forelegs. It was true, despite how angry and standoffish he was, even he desired acceptance just like everybody else did.
A pair of black wings gently surrounded him and pulled Sin against the Alicorn's chest in a comforting hug. A hug that melted every last insecurity that plagued the ponies mind.
"You wanted to let them in, but you were afraid. Afraid that they would see you for the monster you are. But I know who you really are." Nightmare Moon cooed, now working her own forelegs around Sin's barrel and rubbing his chest in a very sultry and suggestive manner.
"You can trust me."