//------------------------------// // 8: Boo hoo, angsty story time // Story: Dawn of The Ice King // by KingdomBrony16 //------------------------------// Well, it's been a few months since I last wrote in you, six to be exact, I'm not going to go into full detail as to what happened and why, so I will summarize. You see, after the show and tell at the school everything was looking up for me. I was growing closer to my friends, I even started to like Rainbow a bit, working with Lyra and Bon Bon kept me busy most of the day and they became my second group of friends. I was able to buy my own things with the money and I was saving up for something very special, I'm not going to spoil what it is though, You'll just have to wait. Though since the day of the show and tell something was eating at my mind, it was Diamond Tiara and how I snapped at her, I've been avoiding the school house since then but I was still thinking about it. I'm not sure why I guess it's because since she really only had one friend and that was probably because they were both rich and were most likely raised together as their families interacted, I'm only guessing that but I still felt bad for her. It really was not her fault that that's how she acts… ok, I suppose it is a little bit but still. Now, you're probably going, 'Well if you felt like that shouldn't you go try to apologize and make friends?' And you're right I should but I couldn't, at least not then, I was still upset, angry, pissed. Not at her, at me… I normally have better control and it may not have seemed like a big deal to you but to me it was. I don't like being angry especially at kids, they're kids man. Other than that though was that it made think of my friends back home, my sister, and what little I did care about and how easily I was willing to leave even if I didn't mean for it to be to Equestria. Slowly, but very noticeably it started to affect my mood and how I behaved. It started with my sticking to my room and giving less attention to hedgy, eventually he never came into my room and stayed mainly around Fluttershy, who I wasn't giving nearly as much attention anymore and I could tell I was hurting her, which only made me feel worse. I started to avoid my friends, they tried to find out was wrong but I never told them, I couldn't how would they understand? I still went to work but I did so without saying anything, I did my job quietly, constantly thinking about how my friends and family must feel about me just disappearing. They probably hated me as much as I hated myself for it. I spent most nights curled up in my bed; I didn't let Fluttershy come in, I would cry myself to sleep wondering why I was torturing myself but never doing anything about it. I was depressed again and I knew it and I berated myself for it which didn't help. Eventually Celestia heard about this and tried to send me letters, talk to me, and help me out. She was worried, they all were. At a point it got to be too much and she told me to get everyone I considered a friend and bring them to Canterlot. I had free passage for the train as well as anyone I brought along with me. ~Yesterday~ I was sitting on a train headed to Canterlot, why? I actually didn't know, Celestia just told me to bring all my friends and come to the castle so I brought all of my friends. Twilight, Pinkie, AJ, Rainbow, Rarity, Fluttershy, Spike, Bon Bon, and Lyra were all here in the train with me. Rarity asked me not to bring the crusaders since it was a school day. They were all chatting with one another, Bon Bon and Lyra were a bit nervous to be going to meet the Princess but they were also excited so it was good to see. Me, I was looking out the window staring at the countryside go. "Chris… Chris!" I looked to the group, "Yeah?" "Do you know why the Princess wanted us to come with you to Canterlot?" Twilight asked. "No, no idea." I saw everyone's faces shift from happy to worried. It probably had to do because I sounded like I wanted to crawl in a hole and rot, because that's how I felt. "Chris…" "C'mon on man cheer up!" Rainbow said, annoyed with my mood. I just gave her a look out of the corner of my eye and she shuddered and scooted back in her seat. "Dude… that stare is… evil." "Chris…?" Fluttershy reached a hand out at me slowly, "You're scaring us Chris…" I felt myself calm down a bit when she touched my arm, "I…sorry…" The rest of the train ride was met with silence, even in my mind, usually I could hear Ixis humming a tune of something but she hasn't been in my head for a few months or a least she hasn't said anything. We got to Canterlot, I've already been here before but I never got a good look, the city was beautiful most of the buildings were pure white and it all looked clean. The ponies were all dressed in very clean clothes that showed they were very wealthy. I could also see plenty of normal looking ponies who I assumed were tourists. Our destination was the castle and that is where we headed to, me in front, everyone else in back. I just wanted to get this over with so I could go back to sleep, which is all I really did any more outside of work. When we got to the Castle we were greeted by Luna, which is weird because she should be asleep right now. Thing is I've only met her once and that was when I first got here so seeing her in her actual royal dress was a bit weird. "Human Chris, it is good to see you again. And you've brought the elements along with you, wonderful." She gave us a really cheery smile. Lyra raised her hand, "We're here too you know." "Hello Princess Luna, it's good to see you again to." I said trying to sound happy. She gave me a hard look, "Ah yes, our sister did tell us that something was plaguing you." She turned and motioned us to follow, "Come, our sister is waiting for us." "Luna, do you have any idea why Celestia made me bring everyone?" She nodded, "We do, but we are not allowed to tell, we apologize." I sighed, "Of course… why is that always a staple in what super powerful good people do? Always so cryptic about everything." Luna laughed, "Well we have to let you learn and grow yourselves, we can't just tell you everything you know. Otherwise what's the point of learning and coming to your own conclusions? It's how ponies figure out what they want to believe in and it is how new things are discovered because other ponies think about other ways of going about something and end up at different answers." "See and that's why learning is important." Twilight said, happy somepony else understood. "Blah blah learning, blah blah egghead stuff, blah. Can we just get on with this?" Impatient as ever was Rainbow Dash. "Hmmm, we suppose so, we are here." Luna pushed open a large door we stopped in front of. Inside was a table large enough to hold all 12 of us, Celestia was already at the table. "Come on everypony and have a seat please." She gestured to the seats. We all sat down, Twilight next to Celestia (Spike was sitting in her lap) obviously, Luna on the other side of Celestia, Pinkie was next to Luna, Fluttershy sat next to pinkie. Apple Jack was on the other side of twilight followed by Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Lyra and Bon Bon. I sat down in the one closest to Fluttershy and put my feet up on the table while leaning back in the chair some, "So, I noticed something." "Oh and what would that be?" Celestia asked. I pointed to the empty chair next to me, "Who else is coming?" She just smiled, "Somepony I wanted you to meet for a while actually, my niece." Twilight gasped and clapped her hands together, "Cadance is coming, really? Oh it would be so good to see her again." At the mention of this Cadance the table erupted in talking. I cleared my throat loud enough to get everyone's attention, "So I'm guessing you all know this Cadance?" Twilight nodded happily, "She was my old foal sister when I was younger and she just got recently married to my older brother. Though, the wedding could've gone better." "I'll say…" Lyra said quietly and everyone else agreed. "So are you going to tell me what happened and how the rest of you know her?" Before anyone could answer Celestia cut them off, "Perhaps at another time, she's here." I raised an eyebrow, "And how do you know that? Sure you can control the sun but I doubt you know everything." I admit I was a bit more snippy than usual. That's when everyone started to giggle softly and I sighed, "She's right next to me isn't she?" They just nodded. I looked over and yelled, almost falling out of my chair, what? I didn't expect her to be as close as she was. Cadance though, she was Pink, not as pink as Pinkie but pink and she was very pretty. Her hair and tail were comprised of pink, yellow and purple. And much like every other pony on this planet, their cutie mark was embroidered on their outfits, no matter what they wore, I asked rarity about it and she apparently never noticed before so I just chucked it up to magic, but hers looked like a crystal heart and some cold swirly thing at the bottom, I knew there was a name for that but I couldn't be bothered to remember. Once I recovered I sat up fully in time to watch Twilight and Cadance hug and do…. Wait what the… "Sunshine sunshine ladybugs awake, clap your hands and do a little shake." They chanted, along with a little dance. I have no idea what I just witnessed but it was either really adorable or really creepy, I can't decide. So I just sat in silence as she sat down in the empty chair next to me and Twilight went back to her seat. "It's good to see you again Cadance, where's my BBBFF?" "Sorry Twilight, Shining Armor couldn't come there was something he had to take care of, I'm sure Auntie Celestia will fill you in later." Cadance explained then she turned to me, "Hi, I'm Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, but you can just call me Cadance." She held out a hand. I shook it and gave a polite smile, "I'm Chris McGrath, just call me Chris please. Mi Amore Cadenza… My love Cadance is your full name?" "You know Bitalion?" She asked. "Ah, no not exactly, I know a language very similar to it though and it sounded really close to it so I just translated it over." I said rubbing my arm, honestly I suck with languages, it took a lot of dedication to learn the one I'm good at and I'm not even that good at it I still need help from a translator a lot of the times but I can make my way through a conversation if not very slowly, but I didn't lie it does sound very close to a language I do know. "Oh, well it's good to finally meet you Chris, Celestia and Twilight told me so much about you." She said with a genuine smile, I could feel love radiating off of her, like actual pure love. I enjoyed it but I also hated it, it was weird. "Well I wish I could say the same, they told me nothing of you." I gave a pointed look to the teacher and student. They both groaned and Twilight spoke up, "Well we tried but you were too busy being all mopey to even talk to anypony anymore." "Yes," Celestia agreed, "And that's the reason why we're all here today, Chris, I know you don't want to but I will not have a close friend of mine and my subjects this upset and not tell anyone. This happened once before and I will not let it happen again." She said very forcefully. Apparently that last bit was news to everyone at the table except her and Luna, which should be expected considering how old they are. I decided not to say anything about that and neither did anyone else, smart move. You don't bring up an ancient deity's bad past when they could destroy your planet. So instead I opted for a reluctant sigh, I knew this was going to happen eventually, and inside I was glad it was, but I was still nervous, scared, and angry. "Fine, fine, fine, you all win, I'll tell you what's bothering me, but this is going to be long because it starts a long time ago. I can understand why all my friends were supposed to come with me, but why is Cadance here? No offense." I said politely. She still had that warm smile, "None taken." "My niece is here because she's the princess of love, if there is a spark of love between ponies she can help move it along, she also grows stronger from love. She can tell you more later, but if you need help explaining your feelings with anything she can help, she can sense other feelings but not as well as love, her and Pinkie have that in common actually but Cadance has been able to hone it." Celestia said with a proud smile. Cadance was blushing, "Stop it auntie, you're embarrassing me." I shook my head, "So much happiness and love… oy… Alright where should I start…?" "How about the beginning?" Cadance suggested. "Well one night my mom and my dad were feeling hot and heavy and-" "NOT THAT FAR!" Everyone shouted out, I just gave a devilish smile. "Sorry, right the beginning… when was that…" I gave it a thought and decided where to start. "Ok, when I was a kid I was very… crybaby like. I cried over the littlest things, probably cuz I was babied and such. But I always had my father and my sister around, though whenever they left, mainly my dad, I would always cry because I was afraid he would never come back and I would be left alone without him, that my sister would abandon me." "What about your mom, she wouldn't let that happen would she?" AJ asked. "Not if she could help it no, but my mom was rarely around. She was a very famous actor you see so she had to travel the world a lot to film in different locations and she would stay in different countries for an undefined period of time and she didn't want her kids to go through constantly moving and never having a stable social life and education. So we lived with our dad, my parents were divorced though so not like it mattered." "Di…vorced?" Pinkie asked with a tilted head. "Wait you guys don't have divorce here?" They all shook their heads, "Great… divorce is when… well it's when two people who are married don't love each other like they used to and it gets to the point where they separate and sadly sometimes their kids feel the heaviest blow. I was lucky that I was too young to remember anything about it but my sister... well she always held a grudge against our mom for leaving dad and such. But I didn't, I loved my parents, both of them, and I know they loved all of us. A few years after that my dad adopted my younger sister and life went on, we moved a few times and I hated those times because I had to say goodbye to all my friends and make new friends, my sister hated it because she had to dump her boyfriends, teenagers. I don't make new friends easily, why? Because much like Shy here, I'm very shy and it was worse as a kid I couldn't talk to anybody unless they talked to me first or we shared a common interest and when you're little that's really just toys ya know? Another thing that made it hard was, this." I pointed to the mole on my cheek. "Your face darling?" Guess who asked that one. "No my mole, kids… kids are mean without meaning to be. When they see something that they didn't know they stayed away from it and if it was on another kid they made fun of it/them thinking that it would make the strange thing go away. Because of this, I was bullied and called weird as a child, and I was already fragile, like I said I would cry at the littlest of things so that didn't help. So when I was younger I hated my mole, now I actually really like it. Anyway the friends I did make were the best a young boy could ever ask for, we got in trouble, we got dirty, and we did all the things that young boys did. It was good and for the next few years that's how my life was and despite the few things that did hurt me I was still a genuinely happy kid." I had a smile on my face a real one and everyone else did too. "It's good to see you actually smile again Chris, I missed that." Fluttershy said. "Yeah I did too…" Then my smile faded, "But that's when I moved to a state I still hate to this day. We moved there on my 10th birthday, so guess how that made ten year old me feel. Not good, also I've never had a birthday party now that I think about it…." Crap I shouldn't have said that. I looked at Pinkie and she was glaring at me. "Next birthday you are having 21 years worth of birthday parties mister." She said doing the 'I've got my eyes on you gesture.' "Anywho… We moved to that state and that's when things started going downhill. My dad decided to go and finish college while still working so I rarely saw him except for very early mornings and my older sister was old enough to go out on her own. The only person I had left was my younger sister. If there is one good thing that came from my time there was that her and I grew really close as we got older. And the only time we were all together as a family was during holidays and I cherished those moments with a passion. But they were too far and between for my liking. As time went on I went through middle school and I made some friends, probably the best friends I've ever had. But at the same time that's when I started liking girls and as a teenage boy going through puberty well you know, I can just control myself better now, but that's besides the point. The point was I can not count the amount of times I was shot down in my attempts to get a girlfriend." I laughed a cynical laugh, "Looking back I understand why they didn't want to. But that rubbed me the wrong way then, it made me angry with girls and just made me want them more which made a never ending cycle but it was also the first time I ever really wanted to hurt someone was in middle school and the first time I ever actually did. As a young boy I got in play fights yeah so no one really got hurt but since I was older I knew what it was like to actually want to fight about something. The first person I ever fought was my friend and to this day we can not remember what it was about. Anyway, I got so angry everything blacked out and all I know is I went into a blind fury, when I could see again my friend was on the ground with a bloody nose, a black eye, and was missing a tooth. I distinctly remember running home after school was over and crying into my pillows because I thought I was going to lose a friend. I'll explain why that bothered me more when it becomes appropriate. Needless to say though, I didn't lose him as a friend in fact we became closer and he essentially became the brother I never had and always wanted. But other than that I was still relatively happy. But…" "But? What happened after? Did you go and learn karate or something after you realized you could take someone down?" Rainbow asked. "No just the opposite, I actually promised to never fight and never lose my temper again, I did a few times though, it took a while to master and even now I still can control myself. Not in the best way though but that will come into play later. After Middle School I went to High School and that is when everything changed, everything. My first year was really great, that's when I met the rest of my life long friends, most were girls surprisingly. Apparently after I left middle school something changed and I was much calmer around girls so I was able to have them as friends." I looked around and they did too before they realized what I did and we shared a laugh, "That still seems the case apparently. But yeah but one girl out of them all became someone I started to care for greatly, her name was Rebecca, I called her Becca. But we became friends over a video game and I thought that was cool and I started to fall for her, but I was dating someone already so I obviously couldn't do anything." I sighed looking back at the day we became friends. "Ooooo forbidden love between two young humans, how cute." Cadance said Rarity agreeing way too fast. "So what happened next?" I scratched the beard that was growing in, "Well… I was still with the girl because I did love her. And that's something I find special about me compared to most people, If I love someone that's it I love them, it's not some sort of puppy love, that has only happened to me once. To my girlfriend's friend, the one that introduced us actually, I did like her for a bit and she liked me but we realized it wasn't strong enough for anything and eventually she became my other little sister, and I her big brother even though she was only a month younger than me. Anyway, back to my first girlfriend, we were together for about half a year. When we broke up that was the first time I ever felt heartbreak and it… it hurt so bad. It's a pain you can never describe to someone, it hurts thinking about it even now." My arm got a soft squeeze from Fluttershy and I gave her a thankful look, "Why did you two break up?" She asked. I smiled, finding the reason amusing, "Because I was still a teenage boy, I still thought about sex and that's what I was pushing for, and I was really clingy. But I did love her and I still do even now. I wouldn't change what happened for anything it helped me grow and learn but not before it broke me, it started what I would say is the reason why I'm like this. When we first broke up I hated her with everything I had, I wanted to yell and hit anything, something, and I did. I cried, I wailed, I beat on my walls causing dents. I couldn't handle the pain… eventually I saw that she was right, I needed to grow up more. I came to forgive her and apologized for anything I might've said, we're friends but not best friends or anything. It took a while for me to heal enough to really feel happy again. But that outburst of emotion I swore to never let that happen again either but as I got older it happened more but I held it all in I held it all back which poisoned me, again I'll talk more about that later. Eventually, and you two will be happy about this." I looked at Rarity and Cadance, "Me and Becca did get together at the end of 9th grade, though at the beginning she told me straight out that she just wanted to give it a chance. She really didn't want to do anything that could ruin our friendship. But we dated over the summer and it was fun… but before our second year in High School started we broke up. It was just going to slow for my liking honestly, I still had a lot to growing up to do and I'm glad I realized it then, so I was the one who called it off that time. I thought she hated me for it actually, I did for a long time and I beat myself up over I hated myself for doing that to a friend a good one too. I avoided her thinking she was going to yell at me, tell me she hated me, tell me she wished I was dead and that I was a good for nothing pile of trash that didn't deserve her. I couldn't avoid her though, we got put in a lot of the same classes together." "Did she say all the things you thought she was going to?" Spike asked obviously paying close attention so the same things wouldn't happen to him. I just shut my eyes and I felt a hand on my shoulder, I saw it was Cadance's and I looked up at her, "She didn't did she?" She asked. "No… she didn't and that confused me. I wanted her to hate me I wanted her to be mad at me I wanted her to wish I was dead. But she never did, she still considered me her best friend, she still talked to me and we still laughed together whenever we did. But I wanted her to hate me I wanted someone to hate me… as much as I did, I didn't want to be alone in this feeling anymore I wanted someone to hate me so they knew what it was like to hate me, I thought that if they hated me too, they'd feel my sadness. Of course I hid how I really felt, I never cried, I never made it show I was angry, I never showed I was sad. I put on a mask and I went about my life." I had a few tears rolling down my cheeks, I wiped them away and continued. "Then I met her, Cathryn… Cathy…" I said that name with such rage and disdain that Fluttershy recoiled from me and everyone else backed away a little. I calmed back down after a few seconds and continued. "We met and became friends a short while after I broke up with Becca. She… she was a mistake I made. You see, she was very flirtatious the way we first met was with her sitting in my lap at lunch. Me, still being that hot blooded teenager I was infatuated, not by who she was as a person but by the fact that maybe I could lose my virginity. Which to this day I hate myself for being like, I never wanted to be like that, I was taught to treat all females with the utmost respect possible. That isn't to say I didn't love her, after dating her for a while I did fall for her too. But… the reason why I fell for her was just as dangerous as actually falling for her. I fell for her because she knew… she understood what I was going through, she went through it too. She could comfort me I could comfort her and do my best to do so. For a really long time it was going really well, but I still felt dead and broken inside but I was slowly being pulled back together again by this girl who understood my pain. But I was being put back together by someone else who was broken. How does something that is broken put something back together when they don't remember what it was like to be whole?" "They don't…" Twilight said quietly. "Exactly, so I was put back together but sloppily and I was made into how she wanted to make me. You don't understand what that's like, she loved sex, and I lost everything to her. She made me back up using sex and other things with some love and understanding thrown in but most of it was sex. It got me addicted which is what she wanted, it was fun and I couldn't see what was wrong with it, after all it feels good and she was fixing me, I felt happy again, I felt whole. I still had my moments of unbarring depression. And if you don't know what that is, the best way I can explain it is imagine being sad at yourself, imagine being angry at yourself, wishing you could die but you couldn't kill yourself and for some reason you didn't know why you were feeling this and you couldn't stop or fix it. That is depression, or a form of it, I still have it now as you all have seen. There really ain't a cure only ways to lessen it or hold it back from getting worse and for everyone it's different as to how." "Oh… oh my… Chris, why didn't you tell us any of this before?" Fluttershy asked giving me a stern but caring look. I put my hand on hers, "It wasn't important until now. I'm sorry… But anyway, I was addicted to this girl, she was what kept me stable. And I needed that stability it was like a drug to me, and then we broke up for the first time. It was a mutual thing but I still felt horrible after but I didn't flip my lid. I didn't cry. She got with someone else and I was extremely jealous, in my head she was still mine. Eventually her and I got back together again and things went on. Then we broke up again for no real given reason, she initiated it that time. Everyone said she did it because she liked someone else but I couldn't believe it I mean I made her happy too right? She was getting fixed too right? No I was wrong she was already far too broken and she was breaking me even more, but I didn't feel it until it was too late. Again we got back together and again we broke up this time she told me why, she liked someone else… I put on a brave face told her it was ok and I hope that she would be happy. But inside I was dead, I was beyond dead but there was still a little flame that had hope that maybe we could get back together." "If ya two did that would be might stupid of ya." AJ said. I gave her a knowing smile, "Sadly AJ, We did and it was stupid of me. But we didn't get back together right away. I met someone else between those times." "Oh was she better than this Cathryn?" Rarity asked. I nodded, "He certainly was, probably the best thing that has ever happened to me too." Rainbow let out a laugh, "Uh Chris, dude, you said he, don't you mean she?" "I know what I said and I meant it." "WHAT?!" I got a collective yell from everyone, their jaws all dropped. "Chris, you're gay too?" Lyra asked. "Nope" I said with a cheeky smile. "But you just said you dated a guy!" "Yeah and?" I loved messing with them it was cheering me up. "So are you gay or are you not?" "I'm both." I said matter-of-factly. "Pardon?" "I like both guys and girls, heck there are a lot of guys in Ponyville I'd get it on with." I said shocking everyone. "Wait… you can do that? You can swing both ways?" Rainbow asked I nodded in response, "Why didn't anyone tell me?" "You never asked Dash." "So ya like both, is mah brother one of em?" AJ Asked. "Hey just cuz every mare in Ponyville likes your brother does not mean I do." I huffed. "Hey we do not all like Big Mac." Twilight said. "Really? Tell me you don't stare at him when you all go over to AJ's place. Tell me his sweaty, glistening, bulging muscles don't look good when he's working the field. Tell me you don't stare at his ass when he bends over and grunts as he lifts something up. Tell me, I dare you to look me straight in the eyes and tell me you don't." Every girl in the room except for AJ, Lyra and Bon Bon were blushing heavily with their eyes averted to mine and Spike just looked like he was going to throw up. "Yeah thought so." Smugness was plastered to my face so hard you couldn't break it off with a sledgehammer. "Well darling he is quite an attractive stallion." Rarity said fanning herself with her had, Spike was gonna kill me later. "Oh I agree, he's a hunk but he isn't my cup of tea." "Then what is oh Mr. I'm not affected by hot muscles guy?" Pinkie said, joking but still somehow serious. Oh Pinkie don't ever change. I pondered for a second, l "I like my men a bit more feminine. Like… hmm... Time Turner, petite and cute and has hips and a butt for a guy. I'd ride him all night." "Chris… that's just…" Celestia said. Huh I almost forgot she was here. "That's… different. Not bad but different, I'll admit not a lot of females here like feminine stallions because they feel they won't be able to protect their foals. Actually a lot of Stallions are gay for that reason alone though there are muscular ones that are right along with them." "Good, it looks like I'm among their ranks now too. Though I don't think I fall into the feminine bit, ever since I got here I've been putting on muscle, I'm not rage muscle like Snowflake or just big muscle like Big Mac but I am toned. Ah well." I shrugged. "I… kinda like it." I heard Fluttershy say very very quietly from next to me so only I could hear it. "Anyway my I continue?" Everyone came out of their stupors and nodded. "Good so where was I? Oh right, best thing that ever happened to me. He really was. He was so cute, blonde hair and blue eyes. Shy just like me but he was cute with it, kinda like Flutters here. He wasn't broken, he was whole and he loved everything I did, Unlike Cathy, so it was so much easier to actually do things with him. I loved him so much, I would do anything for him and he I. But the thing is, I really didn't know how to do anything. I was still kind to him, I gave him anything if he asked for it and I cared for him. He had his own problems. I held him while he told me and cried them away, I let him use me as a pillow if he need someone to just lay on. I can't say this enough but I loved him so much. He got me into art and writing and he was into music. We were like one big art show and it was fantastic. He also helped me whenever I was down, he would hug me and rub my back, he would get me something to drink or to munch on if I felt down. I don't know what would've happened without him. I was his first kiss and he was so cute about it. He actually backed away so far he ended up against a wall and I had him pinned. He wasn't scared but he was nervous, I took his hand and told him if he didn't want to kiss me right now I'd wait for as long as necessary until he did. That's when he got brave and pulled me close and kissed me. We held each other in embrace for a while afterwards. Like I said probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I was his first for that too and it was loving, it wasn't what it was for me. It was the first time in a while I was truly happy and I never wanted it to end. But I already had darkness inside of me and it only grew and my heart was betraying me as I was with him. My heart wanted me to go back to Cathy, she still had something that he didn't have despite how happy I was with him and I knew that if she asked for another chance I would give it her." Cadance had her hand covering her mouth, "Chris…. No…" I nodded and sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose, "She did ask for another chance, I told her to give me some time to think. I went to him and told him about this… He said, "If you really want to, go ahead, I won't be mad at you. I promise, I'll always love you and if you ever need me I'm here." And I did the stupidest thing I have ever done in my entire life… I… I left him…" I slammed my fist on the table when something hit me, a realization, my eyes went wide and I whispered, "No… no no no no no no…" I felt myself getting angry but more than anything getting sad and regretful, "He was just like me… he had someone to love someone who loved him and I left him for someone who had hurt me. I left him... I left someone I loved more than anything else and I broke him…. Why?" I buried my face in my hands. It hurt already knowing I hurt him by leaving him but that I created another me was even worse. I haven't truly cried like this in years and I couldn't stop. I was muttering to myself with gasps and yells in between. I could hear chairs moving and I heard Celestia tell them to sit back down, that I needed this, that I needed to go through this by myself. And she was right I did need to… It made me feel better letting it all out. Years of pain and regret from what I did were leaving me as the salty tears dripped on to the table forever staining that spot with my emotions… After a few minutes I calmed down and asked for a glass of water. I chugged it down when it was brought to me, "Thank you for letting me have my minute, Celestia was right I needed to go through that I feel better now, but that won't last long I'm still not done." "Chris… do you want to take a break? We can finish this later if you want?" Cadance asked. I shook my head, "No this has been long overdue. I'm finishing this now." I saw Cadance, Celestia, and Luna all smile a knowing smile at me. They knew if I didn't do this now I never would. I took a shaky breath, "He left and I didn't hear from him for a while, so I got back with Cathy but my heart and soul were heavy with what I did. It was my 3rd year in High School, the year my depression was at it's worst. I hated everyone and everything save for a few things. I was talking to Becca again because she was the only person I could think of when I did what I did to talk to about it. She understood and she comforted me and we became best friends again. But I hated everything. I hated school, I hated people, I hated my family but most importantly I hated myself. There were times it got so bad I wanted to kill myself. People on my world when their depression gets to that point sometimes they do kill themselves, some people cut themselves to distract from all the thoughts and internal pain. Me? I did neither obviously, instead I did something I thought was worse. I increased the internal pain by directing all that hatred I had for everything towards me so I wouldn't hurt anyone else ever again. And it was destroying my heart and soul, they only time I felt happy was around Cathy and Becca. My other friends I stopped talking to for a while save a few I kept in contact with. But it was mainly just Cathy and Becca. What I was doing was destroying my life, I was doing worse in school, I fought with my family, my younger sister and I grew apart and just everything was at rock bottom or so I thought until karma decided to pay me back for what I did to Braden, the guy I dated. Near the end of the year Cathy broke up with me for someone else again. The bad part was that it was someone who was exactly like me except for how I looked, we talked a few times, him and I, we acted the same liked the same things and even dressed almost alike it was kinda creepy. So to me I was like what was even the point of her breaking up with me? Because the universe hated me but something even greater in me broke after that. It was something so great I didn't feel anything. I was finally at that point where my heart and soul were gone and all I wanted to do was sleep. I may have gotten better over time but that sleeping bit effected me a lot. I'm constantly in a sleepy state now. The only person I had left was Becca, that was until Braden came back… I was happy I was overjoyed… I was I was…." "You were scared, worried, and angry." Cadance said. I was really thankful to have her here now. I'll have to thank Celestia later. "Yeah those, I was glad he was back but for a while we barely talked, I could feel he was mad at me and I couldn't blame him I broke the boy, but I could still feel he loved me and I needed that. That is when I made the decision that I will never ever forgive myself for. I did the worst thing in the world by my standards. And if it was anyone else I would kill them. Hell I almost killed myself, and just thinking about it now just makes me want to… to…" I roared and slammed my fists into the table again, splintering the wood and causing it to freeze a bit even with my gloves on. I felt a touch again, this time from Fluttershy and Cadance. They both nodded at me and I calmed down. "Sorry it's just what I did was horrible. I used him, I needed that love, so I talked to him I convinced him to give us another chance and I fed off of that love like some weird love leech. I don't think I actually loved him that time I think I just needed someone else's love and happiness to keep going for a little while longer. The one person I still did love, she told me that she still liked me… Becca told me she still liked me. When I learned that I tossed Braden aside like some used up sack of juice and waited for to get with Becca." I laughed a dark laugh. "It never happened we never got together, Braden left, I realized what I did and I was devastated again. But I had no emotions to feel it but it could be seen, Becca saw it and she's very protective over me. She blamed Cathy and Braden for how I was and never forgave them not even to this day. I could understand the blame for Cathy but I tried to convince her that it wasn't Braden's fault, it was mine but whenever I brought him up I could feel her get angry, she rarely got angry at anything and it scared me, she is one of the few people who actually scare the living daylights out of me. But she never really cried either even though she had as many problems going on as me if not more. She never told anyone, even me, and she only told me two years after this incident about her problems. She stayed strong and genuinely happy and I admired her for it… I felt a genuine love again and it was for my best friend again just like before. But like I said we never got together but I never stopped loving her and I was just happy with her being happy. She was with me through everything whether I wanted her to be or not, even when I was avoiding her she was there when I needed her. Anyway, after what happened with Braden I vowed to never do that again, I promised to truly be there for anyone if they needed me no matter what… I would be there for them honest and true. I would never manipulate anyone ever again. And I didn't but guess what… she came back." There was a collective groan and then Bon Bon, probably the most sensible of all of us spoke up for the first time, "Chris you knuckle head, don't you ever learn?" I chuckled, "Love you too Bonnie, but sadly I was even harder headed then than I am now. I was willing to give her one more chance but this happened a while after the Braden fiasco, during my last year of High School, so I was genuinely doing better I was healing up, I had all my friends again, I had my grades up, I was on good terms with my family and my sister and I were as close as ever. I decided to go to therapy though, just incase. Got some pills to help too but I rarely needed them. But yeah she came back I decided to give her one more chance. She said she was sorry and that she would try to do better since I was doing better. That it could work out again. I asked her to give me a bit of time 1 month. The month passed and at the end of it she got with someone the day we agreed to talk about it…" "That's just… wrong." Spike said. Everyone else just had a scowl or was shaking their heads, the ponies that scared me he most though were Celestia, Fluttershy, and Cadance. Celestia was much like how Becca was, she was very protective of me, Fluttershy was very much like how Braden was and how much he loved me and would do anything to see me happy, Cadance was reminding me a lot of my mom and my sister who did not like seeing her son/big brother upset or hurt. Yeah… they scared me a lot. I cleared my throat trying to calm everyone down. "Well, I wasn't having anymore of it. I went off I told her everything… how I felt and what she did to me, I was beyond done. The shred of caring and love I had for her were dead and something happened that never happened to any other female before or just before in general that I can remember. I had a hatred that wasn't directed at me, one that I wouldn't direct at me ever and I wanted to do something I never want to do to a female, I wanted to hurt her, I wanted her to feel all the suffering I've felt over the years because of her because of what she turned me into, of what my addiction to her made me do, of what she did to me. I wanted her to know pain. That… wasn't who I ever was, I didn't know who that was but she turned me into that and it made me hate her more it made me want to hurt her more." I sighed and looked down "You… you didn't do it though right? Right, Chris? C-Chris?" Fluttershy shook me gently trying to get me to answer. I looked up at her, my eyes were again filled with tears and I shook my head, "N-no I didn't I was scared of myself, I knew that if I let myself go on feeling that I would lose control and do it, so I broke off our friendship, whatever we had, I left I never looked back and I slept for a very long time, a couple of days to be exact, when I woke up I was feeling much better. It seemed like everything was going to be ok. But then the end of school came and my depression rolled in even worse than when the Braden stuff happened. We were graduating and I was happy to be done with it all, but… something I didn't realize until the day of graduation is that I relied on my friends. They were all I had any more in my world and they were all going to go separate ways and I wasn't ready for that. My life was spent trying to mend a heart and soul that was too broken to mend. I wanted to kill myself I wanted to end it and I got very close one time. But I didn't do it obviously. I kept on going with my life but my dad started to change as he got older he got more violent and then my mom died of natural causes when I was 19 it was hard on us, my older sister didn't care she hated our mom anyway, my dad got worse, and I stayed strong for my younger sister. My mom might not've been her real mom but they loved each other all the same. My depression kicked in harder than ever and I thought about ending it again… but I didn’t" "We are curious and we do not wish to sound callous, but what stopped you? If we were in your position we are not sure if we could have lasted as long." Luna said. I waved it off, though I did have a lingering thought that they are both well over 1000 years old surely they went through some stuff that would’ve had them in the same position, hell Luna’s whole Nightmare Moon thing was something similar, but maybe they just didn’t see it like that, "It's fine Luna I don't mind. What kept me going was hope that eventually it would get better, I still had Becca who was talking to me and I still loved her. And whenever I had thoughts of killing myself I thought what I would feel like if she killed herself, if my little sister killed herself, if all my friends killed themselves. It hurt what was left of my heart so much and I didn't want anyone else going through that, so I kept living for them. I lived to be their shoulders to cry on, to be their walls to block everything out, to be their umbrellas to protect them from the rain. I decided that I would use the last of the love I had left for them and any other friends I made. And that's why I've been so depressed lately, It just hit me that I left them and I so eagerly did it too, and I justified it that I had nothing left for me on that world to hold me back. But the closer I grew to you all the more you all reminded me of my friends and family… and I…" "You felt guilty…" Again Cadance, this mare is friggin amazing. "Yes I did and I still do, and I think I always will unless I'm able to get a chance to properly say goodbye. But since I don't think that will happen… I've decided something else." I said having come up with something pretty much instantly. "What's that?" Celestia asked. I smiled a happy smile a smile that I could feel warm up the room and spread to everyone else, "I'm going to live and be happy for my new friends, for all of you. I'm going to learn to open myself up again and I'm going to pour my love into you all whatever I have left to give. It won't be easy, in fact it will be quite hard but I'll have you all to help me along the way right?" I looked hopefully to all of them. Twilight gave me a warm smile, "Of course we will that's what friendship is for." Applejack gave a firm nod, "Of course partner, if ya ever need help from one of the Apples feel free to ask." Rainbow Dash gave me a thumbs up, "Hey I never leave my friends hanging." Rarity gave me another warm smile, "Of course darling and like Applejack said, if you need anything don't hesitate to ask, ok?" Bon Bon just sighed but smiled, "I can't believe it took you this long to realize you were being silly. But yes, we already work together and we're friends, if you need me I'm here." "What the sexy candy mare said." Lyra said with a playful smile getting jabbed in the ribs. I turned to the other side of the table starting with Spike, "Man you're already like a big brother to me, of course I will." "Yep yep yeppers, but you have to let me throw you a Chris is happy party when we get back to Ponyville. Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please?" She was bouncing up and down and for once I didn't mind. "You don't even need to ask…" She gave me a smile that warmed me to my core. "That's what I'm here for Chris, I told you that the day we first met." Celestia said. "As are we, we will do our best to help you friend Chris." Luna said. Finally Cadance, with that forever loving smile, "What kind of Princess of love would I be if I didn't? And thank you for considering me a friend." I started to tear up, "It's ok they're happy tears, Thank you everyone… I don't know what to say… I'll do my best that's all I can promise." I wiped away my tears, "I had another thought." "And that is?" Cadance asked even though I'm pretty sure she knew what it was "This." I grabbed Fluttershy and pulled her close and kissed her deeply and passionately, she returned it. I broke away, "And yes this means we're together, I hope you understand why I was hesitant at first now and I hope you forgive me." She just nodded blushing and had a dopey smile on her face. "Wait they liked each other? I had no idea, why did no one tell me?!" Pinkie blurted out. We all looked at her with a look that said, 'Are you serious?' "Just kidding, it was really obvious, it just took you two long enough, now I can throw a Chris and Fluttershy finally got together party!" She clapped happily and we all laughed. Afterwards Celestia told us she had something to tell us but that could wait till tomorrow and that we had rooms ready for us to stay in, the rest of the evening we stayed in that room talking and catching up since I've been so distant. We also had some really good food, well I did since it was mostly meet and gems, yeah I could eat those too, pretty cool. When it was time to turn in Fluttershy decided to sleep in my room tonight to make sure I would sleep ok since all that would still be troubling me for a bit. But we ran into Cadance walking to her room and I told Fluttershy to go ahead because I needed to talk to Cadance about something but I knew she also had to talk to me about something, she didn't tell me but I could see it in her eyes. "So what did you want to talk to me about?" I asked her after Fluttershy left. "How did you?" "I've always had the ability to tell what people are thinking or feeling by looking into their eyes. Just something I can do." "Another human thing?" She asked. "Another… human thing?" I was confused. "Yes, like those horns, or your eyes, or your teeth and ability to eat gems. Or how about that fact that you splinted the table, those of very strong tables made and enchanted specifically so that can't happen. You have to be pretty strong to make that happen." She said, she wasn't suspicious just curious, I could tell that. I shrugged, "I don't know I am a bit stronger when I'm angry and I was pretty pissed." "That doesn't explain how some of them froze or that you were emitting mist when it happened." She smiled, she knew she got me. "Alright alright you got me, nosy. I'm a dragon, an Ice dragon, well to be more exact I'm a human with the abilities and powers of an ice dragon; I can also turn into one fully. Not yet though, the parts have to come through slowly first then I can turn into a full one whenever, or at least what I was told." I explained. "And how did you come about this power?" I sighed and told her everything I knew. "I see, sorry if it seemed like I was suspicious or anything it's just that." "You didn't want anything dangerous around your friends. That and you really didn't have any doubts that I would hurt them but you were just making sure. Trust me I understand, I'm scary when I lose my temper but I do my best to be kind and loving even if I don't have a lot left to give. But I will protect my friends and those I care about even if it means fighting." I said. She put a hand on my shoulder, "Don't sell yourself short Chris, you have more love inside you than you think. You have the most love I've ever felt inside a creature outside of my Auntie and that's saying something. Hold onto that love, never lose it, it can break through the deepest darknesses and carry you to the light." I nodded, "Thank you, I will, Cadance can I ask you what I wanted to ask you now?" "Sure go ahead." I blushed a bit, "I know you're a princess and we just met and all but you remind me a lot of my younger sister and my mom, can I… well this will sound childish but… Can you be my big sister?" "I'd be honored to have you as a little brother." She was smiling a smile that could rival Pinkie's. I just kinda stood there awkwardly, "Would you like to hug me? I don't mind." I walked up to her and I hugged her tight, I need this more than you can imagine, "Thank you…" I whispered quietly and she hugged me back and we stayed like that for a minute or two. "Well I should probably be going to Fluttershy… Night sissy." She smiled, "Have a good night brother, and if you do anything use protection… or don't I'd like to be an aunt too." She laughed at my red face and went to her room. "Butt face…" I walked back to my room smiling though, it felt good to tell people about that it was a load off of my heart and I needed it. Well I think this is it for tonight Fluttershy is calling me to bed. I'll write back in you as soon as I can. I closed my journal and looked at myself in the mirror, I looked tired and worn out, time for sleep it is. I climbed in bed with my marefriend and went to sleep. Unbeknownst to me when I left my reflection didn't instead it lingered as a dark shadow and it smiled a smile of pure evil and his eyes flashed red and green for a moment and he disappeared.