At my request, Celestia teleports me to Ponyville. I’m about to head for the library when I stop. I should at least look like I know what I’m doing with my powers before I show Twilight. I don’t want to make a mistake and have to fix it. I decide that the safest place to test my Dynamo form would be inside the Everfree forest. No ponies or buildings around to get possibly damaged.
Once I’m in the forest, I decide to run another test. I successfully shift straight into my Heat form, then swap immediately into my Dynamo form. I’ll have to write this down as well: I can go directly into an elemental form without having to Spark up first, and I can access any form I want whenever I want. Cool.
I return to my Dynamo form and begin emitting electricity from my hands. Aside from my usual glow, I generate strong arcs of light with the electricity leaping from my fingers in a strobe-like fashion. Switching to my Heat form also generates light due to the fire. I move to another test with my Dynamo form. I punch a tree and sparks leap to it, but doesn’t damage the tree at all aside from the impact of my fist. Now to test liquid conductivity. I find a small pool and dip my hand into it. Once I see a bunch of dead, electrocuted fish float to the water’s surface, I decide that, yes, water conducts my electricity as normal. I wade out into the water to collect the dead fish.
Taking them to the shore, I hold one and roast them with fire. I’d probably skin them first, but I don’t have a knife or any coal to make an knife out of. There is also the fact that I don’t even know how to skin a fish or debone it. After charring three fish of my ten, I finally figure out the appropriate temperature and cooking time required to consider my catches edible. Aside from having to chew through scales, I was glad for the cooked meat. I continue my meal until I’m out of fish. Oh delicious meat, how I missed you so~!
I continue my training, testing the various properties of the electricity I generate. I use the magnets I bought to determine that nearby magnetic fields draw the electricity from my body. Not sapping the power, the electricity is merely attracted to the magnet, jumping to it in arcs, throwing off even more light than before, and much more consistently, as well. It also melts the hematite of the magnets, making them drip in tiny molten puddles to the forest floor. I wish I could get a sheet of metal to test the conductive properties of other materials, but that will have to wait. No way I’m finding one of those around here.
The next thing I decide to test is my speed. It seems that I can make any sort of movement as fast as I want, though since my body has to actually move that fast, it wears on my muscles. Luckily, I can choose how much of a speed increase I get, so I don’t wear out my body just by being in Dynamo form. Still a little sore from trying a partial speed-boost that almost torqued my arm off, though.
Overall, this day has been very educational, but what I really need is a living test subject, something that will react physically, so I can compare my movements and actions to it. Plus, I wanna see what happens when I mash an electrified fist into something’s face at roughly the speed of light. I decide that my next task should be to find one of those dangerous creatures native to the Everfree forest. I walk deep into the forest, not finding much, though I did come across some insectoid creature that looked like a winged purple ball with eyes. It just sniffed me and then flew off. That thing was ugly as sin, nothing should have eyes like that! Other than that though, there’s absolutely nothing. Dangerous place my ass, my socks are scarier than this place.
“Come on, is there anything around here!?”
As if in response, I see a bush rustle. I leap over and push the foliage away. It’s a Changeling! I grab it by the throat and shove it’s body against a tree, holding it in place with my arm. I’m going to fry this sonofabi-
“Please, don’t hurt me!” the changeling says, bowing and scraping as much as it can while pinned against a tree. Against my better judgement I take my arm away and the Changeling drops to the ground where it shakily stands up.
“Why shouldn’t I? As soon as I turn my back, you’re going to blast me or bite me. All you sick creatures want now is revenge for me killing Chrysalis, right?”
“N- No! That’s not it at all!” The Changeling’s voice is strange. Like a sort of buzzing hiss behind the words. “Please, if you’re really the one who killed Chrysalis, you have our thanks, sincerely!” It bows again, face pressed to the loam and moss.
“And why, pray tell, is that?” Seriously, bug instinct says ‘attack that which hurts our queen’ and these are very insectoid
“She was using us as slaves!” it shrieks, looking up at me. I’m a touch surprised to see tears welling in its eyes. “She cast some sort of obedience spell on us, we couldn’t argue or do anything at all but exactly what we were told! You saved us!”
“Why would she do that? She’s a Changeling too.” I’m a bit skeptical, this doesn’t make a lot of sense.
“Just because you’re the same species doesn’t mean you’re all friends with each other.” It points out.
“Okay, you got me there.” I agree, nodding. Humanity is probably the best example in favor of that argument possible. “I probably understand that better than most of the ponies around here.” I relent.
“Okay, as long as you understand. Anyway, Chrysalis controlled us, using us as servants and pawns.” It shakes its head sadly. “Whenever she had plans that involved us, we were like disposable trash. There were so many of us and we could repopulate so quickly, it didn’t matter to her.”
“So when I killed Chrysalis and no Changelings attacked...”
“We were so shocked that we had regained our free will that we never got the chance to thank you! You saved our minds, our lives, and those of our children!”
The Changeling bowed down at my feet, the sight triggering the vision in my head. “Get up! Get up now!” I’m not going to let even part of that dream come true, it’s the only way to truly prevent it completely. The Changeling rises to its hooves.
“I- I thank you, but the rest of us would like to thank you as well.” it says, looking unsure of what to do. If they were bred in there to be servants, they might not know any other way to live. “I... trust you know where the hive is?”
“I’m not going back there. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just... Okay; fine, I don’t trust you.”
It gives a more respectful, polite bow, more like one you’d give to a noble, but not a king. “I assure you that none of us wish you harm or inconvenience, but I understand your hesitance.”
I think for a moment. They don’t seem to be lying, but that can be either a sign of honesty, or a good liar. “I’m not going anywhere with you under any circumstances. I might show up at the hive, but it will be of my own volition, completely unannounced, and at whatever time or date I wish. I am however, going to let you leave unharmed against my better judgement.” The changeling nods enthusiastically, smiling toothily. “Also, if I discover any, and I mean any Changelings in Ponyville, I will burn your hive to the ground and kill you all, driving you all to extinction. Am I clear?”
The Changeling nods hurriedly and dashes off into the bushes and, I suppose, back to the hive. That was certainly unexpected. I’ll have to think about what I’m going to do. I will be returning to the hive, but when? I suppose I can ask Twilight. It should be safe to tell her and her friends about this without telling them about my other encounters with the Changelings.
I head back to Ponyville, deciding to tell Twilight once I’m done demonstrating my Dynamo form. I hope she can supply me with some other materials to test with. I’ll also have to set up that Arcane Circuitry kit, I’m just dying to know how they developed electricity and how it works.
I figure I should at least stop by Fluttershy’s cottage since I’m nearby. I really should spend more time with these ponies if they’re supposed to be my friends. I walk up to her door and knock.
Fluttershy opens her door slowly, but then seems to be a bit... relieved when she sees it’s me. This pegasus is such an introvert it’s kinda weird compared to the open friendliness of other ponies. Anyway, I figure we could just sit and talk while I get a chance to rest.
She offers to make some food, but I’m not that hungry since I just ate. “Don’t let me stop you though, if you’re hungry, go make something. I’m not in any rush.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back.”
After a few minutes, she returns with a plate of salad with some fish, the scent of lemon and herbs greeting my nose warmly. Fish!?
“Uh... ‘Shy? What’s with the fish?”
“Oh, I like to have some shredded salmon on my salads. I- I’m sorry if that bothers you. I don’t know what humans eat.”
“Oh no, it’s perfectly fine, I just... I didn’t expect ponies to eat meat, I mean... you guys are mainly herbivores, aren’t you?”
“Oh, yes. Well, sort of... W- what I mean is that ponies are technically omnivores, but only pegasi really eat fish. Unicorns usually call it ‘uncouth’, but it’s why they’re usually so skinny. Earth ponies sometimes eat fish, and sometimes even b- b- bacon.” ‘Shy’s squeaking stutters trailed off at that, looking a bit grossed out. “It’s all nature, I know, but piggies are just so cute...”
“Well yeah, pigs are cute, but have you had bacon? It’s delicious!”
Fluttershy shook her head. “I don’t want to eat anything with hooves or paws or little toesies... but rattlesnake is pretty good?” Her last statement sounded almost like a question, as if asking me for permission to like snake meat.
“Snakes? Snakes nothing, ever had alligator before?”
“Alligators have toes.” she countered.
“Alright, fine. I guess we can agree to disagree. Guess I can’t walk into a restaurant and order a steak then.”
“Well, maybe in a griffon restaurant, but there aren’t any in Ponyville, nor Canterlot that I know of. The nearest one is in Dodge Junction. Dash tried to take me there once, but there were so many eyes...” Her voice trailed off into a squeak, and she was now huddled under her pink mane like it was a safety blanket. I can easily tell why both Dash and Pinkie said ‘no pranking Fluttershy’.
I decide to calm her down. “It’s alright Fluttershy, I don’t mind if you eat cows or not. No need to be scared.”
“I- I’m sorry. I’m just afraid of crowds.” She leaned towards me.
“Well, there’s nobody here but me, so you don’t need to worry about anything.” I pick up Fluttershy and give her a hug. She must be the softest, fluffiest pony thus far! I pet her gently to calm her down. “I’m the only one here. It’s just you, me, and the floorboards.”
Fluttershy smiled and nuzzled my shoulder for a moment, before turning back towards her food. “Uh, if it’s alright with you, could I finish my lunch?”
“Oh, of course.” I set her down in front of her plate.
A sudden, frightening crash resounds through the cottage, coming from the direction of Ponyville. As if by teleportation, Fluttershy is back in my arms, clamped to my chest like a super magnet to a brick of steel. Only, I’m not as tough as steel, and I can feel my lungs being crushed.
I say something along the lines of ‘don’t worry, Flutters, I’ll see what it is, you’re safe’ and stand up. Walking to the door, I open the top half of the inexplicable dutch door design, and look towards the town. A plume of smoke- no, several plumes of smoke are rising, and I can faintly hear screaming.
I prepare to exit the cottage, and only stop when I hear a squeak, and look down to see that Fluttershy’s deathgrip hasn’t let up, but her wings are doing everything in their power to push her (and by extension, me) away from the door. Her huge, watery cyan eyes stare up at me.
“Stay here ‘Shy. I’m going to find out what’s going on. Don’t worry, this should be quick.”
Fluttershy nods at me, reluctantly letting go and sliding to the floor. “I- I’ll j-just go hide under Harry. He’s the bear.”
“Well, that should be perfectly- bear!? Jeez ‘Shy, what don’t you have? Nevermind, I’ll be right back.” I begin running towards town thinking the words ‘I hope’ to myself.
As I run towards the town, skipping over the rough patches of foliage between segments of the twisty road, I can hear the shouts and screaming intensifying. This isn’t the semi-panicked, almost rehearsed ‘oh no, there’s something new in town!’ screams, but the throaty, full-body screaming of someone terrified for their life... or the lives of their loved ones.
I’ve only heard screams like that in movies, but this hit me somewhere primal, well behind my conscious thoughts.
.
Without thinking, I’d shifted to my Dynamo form, leaping farther and faster than normal. Sparks and arcs of electricity jumped in thin streams from me to the ground, as if to push me a little higher and farther. As I came in sight of the town, I was unprepared by what I saw.
Ponyville was burning. And not a few fires here and there, but fires engulfing entire houses and smoke thick enough I can’t see two inches into it.
This is bad. Very bad. I don’t even know the cause of this, and I can’t just put out fires at will... I look for some indication of where the fire started.
A crackling, creaking noise, like a thick piece of wood being bent, caught my attention, and I turned in time to see and dodge a falling beam from a house.
A pony, one I don’t recognize, lays just inside the now-open house, apparently unconscious. A small pool of blood lay under their head, a stone or metal knickknack nearby, likely having fallen off of the shelf that was pinning them to the ground.
“Shit!” I switch to my Heat Form, but not actually producing any flames. I take advantage of my heat resistance to get inside and grab the pony. Unfortunately, I didn’t really have a safe place to put them... other than the street, which was only marginally safer.
As I pick up the pony, they open their eyes partially, and croak out a “thanks”, before passing out again. I felt a little better inside, and took them outside. At least the street was better than nothing. I need to stop the bleeding. I attempt to tear off part of my shirt to make a crude bandage, but apparently, Rarity definitely knew who she was making this shirt for. Damnit.
I could use my heat power to try to cauterize the wound, but I’m afraid of burning them. I never got a chance to practice this... Oh well, I have to do something. I project a small but very hot flame from my fingertip and put it close to the pony’s wound, and pray I’m doing it right.
A quick swipe of my finger, and the flesh is now furless, rather blackened, but no longer bleeding. My job done, I rush off further into the town, looking for what could have caused this. An idea flashed in my mind.
I could create a backfire, and force the two to burn each other out... but then there’d be nothing left of Ponyville, and potentially its inhabitants.
A roar, monstrous and bellowing, reverberated through the town, and I could feel it more than I could hear it. Looking for the source, I watched as a... a something bursts through a brick-and-stone wall of a house, sending the building materials scattering. The creature turns towards me, and I see a perfectly human face and torso atop a body of nightmares. The person’s head is bald, and their smile is manic, and the demonic-looking body is darkened and covered in red, furiously hot cracks, dribbles of magma or blood falling to the ground from them.
A pony stumbles out of the house that had been broken open, and the monster looks at it. For a moment, I hope that it was all a misunderstanding, and it’s a human who got powers too and is just confused... and then it grabs the pony and bites off their forelegs.
But what the creature did was nowhere near as disturbing as how it did it. A huge maw opened up in the thing’s chest, lined with red-hot teeth, and it just tore the pony’s limbs off, apparently swallowing them or something. The pony was thrown aside like a broken toy, screaming in agony and terror.
I decide I’ve had enough, and approach him, yelling. My body is now surrounded by scorching flames. “You have two seconds to tell me what you’re doing here!!”
In a voice a genteel as a polished dagger, the human face speaks. “I am seeking my ascension. Why? Do you think you can stop me?” In spite of the odd civility of the tone, the voice is a dozen decibels above shouting.
“What I think doesn’t matter, you bastard. I will stop you!” I raise my fists, still swirling with fire. I wait for his move. I’m not going to rush in and get my ass kicked.
“Ha! I shall find the fount of Kindness and despoil it. And no mere candle flame will stand in my way.” The gargantuan creature reared up, its gorilla-like posture explained by its proportions. The huge, wide chest supported by a pair of massive arms, each ending in hands half as wide as I am tall. A pair of rather normal human legs, coated in blackened, stone-like flesh dangled pathetically behind him. A whip-like tail, barbed and studded with spikes coiled angrily around him.
The chest-mouth opened again, and another fearsome roar sounded, the deep bass rumble shaking the loose stones and bricks on the street.
With that, the creature charged, fists swinging and mouths open in terrible grins. One vertical, one horizontal.
“Candle flame? Candle flame!? Buddy, you’ve asked for it.” I charge forward, going intangible. I hope I can surprise him with it and get a few quick hits in. He slams through me, and I feel something like a wave of hot air try to push against my intangible form. The roar and shout of surprise tells me that he at least didn’t expect it, but I don’t hear or see him wheeling around to attack again. Instead, the thudding of his passage reveals he’s continuing onwards.
I don’t waste my time. I swap to my Dynamo form, and rush at him as fast as I can, and slam an electrified fist as hard as I can right to his human head. I smash through the crest of blackened bone protecting his back, the material brittle and easily destroyed, but my fist’s landing hits bone and flesh with no result. The monster doesn’t even flinch, and I feel my leg become impaled, the sharp pain coming seemingly from nowhere. Whatever it was, it drags me from the creature’s back, ripping out of my leg as it throws me.
This time, I get a good look at what grabbed me; the spiny, barbed tail of the demon creature is, it would seem, fully prehensile. The creature, still lumbering in the direction I’d came from, stops only for a moment to smash a huge fist through the side of a house and grab another pony from the second floor. For just a moment, I catch a glimpse of a lemon-yellow coat before I hear the grisly ‘crunch’ of internal damage, the pony shrieking in agony. Speeding forward, I’m able to catch the pony as she’s thrown by the monster over his shoulder, a series of spikes erupting from his back.
As the beast laughs, I gently lay the injured pony on the ground, where she bleeds quietly from the corner of her mouth. Looking up at me, she smiles slightly, before clutching her ribs with a pained expression. I’ve never even heard of anyone acting this callously towards anything, much less thinking creatures. This goes beyond mere psychopathy. I have to stop him somehow, before he finds his target. He said he was searching for a ‘fount of kindness’...
A chill settles in my heart, and I swear my core grows a little dim for a moment. Fluttershy. He’s going after Fluttershy.
“Not on my watch.” Deciding to change my tactic, I power down and increase my size until I’m twenty times his size and rush after him. Reaching down with my own gargantuan fists, I swat him away from a trio of ponies he was about to slam into paste. Each of them look up at me in awe, but I don’t have time for that. A faint surge of pride fills me, though, and my next attack punts him clear over a bunch of houses and into the clear area of the town square. Abandoned market stalls are scattered around, but the ponies have abandoned the area, meaning I’m not as restricted in my attacks.
The monster, now visibly more angry, rakes my hand with his claws as I try to hit him again, my larger form vastly more sluggish than his. The pain is a bright, searing thing, but the heat at least cauterized my wounds, so they aren’t bleeding.
I return to my normal size, and change to my Dynamo form, and I charge as much electricity through my body as I can, trying to electrocute him.
He charges again, this time with his chest-mouth wide open. Inside I can see what looks like a forty-foot tunnel lined with red-hot teeth. It’s possible that my intangibility won’t work if I get sucked into that, but it just means I need to be a little more creative.
Just before he hits me, I fall backwards, pushing myself down to speed it up. It’ll hurt, but means his relatively un-armored belly will pass right over. And when it does, I slam my hands up, palms out, releasing all the electricity I’d been storing. Constantly running it back and forth to up both its voltage and amperage, it ought to be able to at least stun an angry moose. And I‘m far more terrified of an angry moose than I am of this guy.
The electrical jolt seems to lift him off the ground, and he falls into a limp pile of limbs in the mess of a bunch of wrecked carts. The body twitches once, but then stills, jittering slightly from the residual static. I’m not going to take any chances, so I decide my next course of action would be to finish him off. I walk up to him, my plan forming in my mind. I’m going to go intangible, reach my hand through his head, and send ten-thousand volts straight to his fucked-up brain.
I stand next to his head, and reach for his face, tiny arcs of electricity already jumping from my hand. Before I can do it, though, a literal tongue of flame flicks out from his chest-mouth and grabs me. The burning sensation of liquid fire being poured across my flesh hurt worse than any other injury I’ve ever received. I can feel myself being flung by the fiery tongue, and I slam through another market stall.
I’m barely hanging onto my consciousness as I watch the monster stand up again. He starts laughing, the scratchy, distorted sound making my head hurt. My powers seem faded, no sparks of electricity coming to my call. As he begins lumbering towards me, I hear something.
“Get up!”
It came from somewhere on one of the rooftops.
“Get up! I know you can!”
Looking towards the source of the noise, I see a tiny speck of white, with a little mop of mulberry curls on top. Next to it is a little speck of yellow, with a pink bow, and a dot of orange with a purple mane.
One of the other CMC members called out. “C’mon, man, I believe in you!”
A spark jumps between my fingers. The monster is closing on me, but I see shapes on the clouds above, pegasi staying at a safe distance to watch. They too begin to shout encouragement to me. Another spark crawls across my skin. More ponies are forming a wide, cautious ring around the town square, and they’re shouting encouragements as well. The demon eyes them moodily as he advances towards me, evidently seeking to squash their hope and me in a single blow.
Then, the crowd goes quiet for a moment, drawing both me and the demon to look around at them. Slowly, they begin chanting.
“An-tho-ny. An-tho-ny. An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny! An-tho-ny!”
Sure it’s not my real name, but I still feel their belief flooding in like a refreshing drink after a long day of hard work. I’m not having any trouble breathing anymore, and some of the pain fades, though not all of it, and not all the way.
The demon growls, baring his two sets of teeth at the ponies, but to little effect. He turns his gaze on me, and I’m already prepared for more banter.
“Heh, w- what’s the m- matter, demon-boy? You don’t have a- a fan-club? I gotta say, they help. A lot!”
I get up and charge myself with electricity again. I’m not entirely sure what the energy buildup will do, but I hope it’s enough. I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but right now, I need to give this all I got.
I rush forward as fast as possible, and throw a burning, electrified fist dead center between his human eyes. I don’t know how fast I’m going, but it looks like he’s frozen until I make contact.
And for a moment, the chanting was dead once more, this time from speed alone. I was moving faster than sound. Sparks of flame and lightning suspended in air, their light coruscating off in shapes I could almost see. As my fist connects, I can feel the bones break in my hand, but I couldn’t feel the pain yet, another testament to how fast I was moving right now. The slowly expanding donut-shaped wavefront tears outward like a drill expanding in size. Visceral, meaty chunks went everywhere, and time came back to me as I watched his charred head comes apart like a melon with an M80 going off in it.
For a moment I stand still, perfectly serene and victorious. Then, I start to feel my hand.
Then, I feel nothing at all.
I open my eyes and I’m in a hospital. I check my arms for needles. None, thank goodness. Wait, what’s... Oh boy, should’ve seen this coming. I raise my right arm and I see that the area from my hand to my elbow is in a cast. I manage to sit up, but I ache all over, and can only groan in pain.
“Girls! He’s awake!”
Owww, my head is pounding and the shouting just makes it worse. “Not so loud...”
“Oops, sorry.”
Pinkie walks over to me as the rest of them walk into the room. They all give their greetings as they file in.
“Hey ladies. Man, that was somethin’.” I drawl sluggishly, coming down off the headache.
“I think that’s our line.” Rainbow Dash said, a smile on her face. “That was the most hardcore thing I’ve ever seen! Well, aside from myself that is.”
I laugh at her light narcissism “Sure, whatever you say. So how’s Ponyville?”
“Well...” Twilight starts, looking like she’s trying to avoid that subject. “It’s... not on fire anymore.”
“But it’s gonna take a long while and a lotta work ‘fore it’s rebuilt.” AJ says, looking out a window.
“Dang, if only I could have stopped him sooner. I’m sorry everyone.” I apologize, mostly for the collateral damage
“Sorry? Why would you be sorry?” Rarity asks, sounding genuinely shocked. “Dear, if it wasn’t for you, that horrid thing would have destroyed everything!”
I suddenly remember a bit of info. “No, he wouldn’t. Not before getting to Fluttershy. He told me he was going after her.”
At this, Fluttershy starts shivering, curling into a yellow and pink ball.
“But... why?” Twilight asks. “What did he want with Fluttershy? How does he even know her?”
“Well, what he actually said was that he wanted to ‘despoil the fount of kindness’ and something about ascension.” I clarify.
“Hmmm... well, it definitely sounds like he was talking about Fluttershy, but I don’t understand what he meant by despoil. I can’t think of anything Fluttershy would have that a demon would want. And what could he use to reach a higher power?” Twilight pauses. “Sorry everypony, but I’m going to go look into this.” With that, she left.
“But that thing is gone right?” Applejack asks, her twang making it sound like anythang.
“I should hope so!” Rarity says, “I can’t imagine anything that could live through a display of power like that.”
I grin and chuckle, “Thanks Rarity, like my ego needs to be any bigger.” I stop laughing when a sharp pain in my chest makes me wince instead.
“At least we know you’re recoverin’.” Applejack says, looking tired, but still smiling.
“Yeah.” I nod, then ask, “So after I literally blew his mind, what happened?”
Pinkie pops up onto the bed next to me. “Welllllll, you stopped glowing you fell over and when you didn’t move a bunch of ponies brought you here what did you do anyway you didn’t even move!”
“Heh, oh yes I did. I punched him in the face so fast he exploded.” This got a collective gasp from the others. “Heh, speed of light, baby. That’s what they mean when they say ‘faster than you can blink’.”
“I wouldn’t brag too much, partner, the doc said ya broke yer hand in more places’n ah can count. Yer gonna have that there cast for ‘bout a month.”
I look at my heavily bandaged arm. “Well, that could be a problem. Oh well, at least Ponyville is safe for now.”
“Yeah! You’re a hero now!” Pinkie’s eyes go wide as she gasps loudly enough to make my ringing ears sting, “I should throw you a hero party!!” Pinkie jumps onto the bed and hugs me, which I reciprocate with my left arm, wincing through the pain of sudden contact.
“Thanks for everything girls. Hey, Fluttershy, are you okay?”
“I... I am now, thanks to you.” she says, sounding both grateful and shaken in equal measure.
“Aww, come here.” I pat my right side and Fluttershy hovers over and rests next to me. I pull her into a hug with my right arm, being careful about my injuries. I hold both ponies close to me as I lay back down. I’m tired.
I pet them both, and though I can only feel Pinkie, Fluttershy seems to appreciate the gesture as well. I’m tired, but happy. Just gonna close my eyes for a minute...