Chapter 3 - God Does Not Play Dice
* * * *
Discord did not look happy.
Princess Celestia, with characteristic patience and seriousness, had explained the outcome of his wager at the farm and the hours since then. And the more she said, the more sour his face became. He wasn’t exactly screaming with rage, but he at least looked thoroughly inconvenienced.
“Is that all?” he asked at last. “Are you done this time? Or are you going to tell me fate has ordained that I have to become Twilight Sparkle’s butler now?”
The Princess actually smiled at this. She shook her head. “No, Discord. If you wanted that job, you should have applied when you were still part dragon.”
“Oh, ha, ha. Princess Sunny Butt cracks a joke. Forgive me, Your Highness, I can’t kiss your fancy golden slippers because I’m laughing too hard!” He threw his hooves in the air, then slumped against the mysterious stone table. “Element of Honesty? I have to make friends with…” He gestured at Applejack. “…with all of her friends? Princess, if you wanted to punish me, you should have come up with this millennia ago. To be perfectly honest—because apparently that’s my specialty now—the stone prison was completely unoriginal.”
“I never intended to punish you, Discord, only to keep your powers in check.”
“Yes, yes, I know. The noble and merciful Princess wants what’s best for everyone, even evil maniacs like Discord.” He snorted. “If I didn’t know how sickeningly boring you are, I wouldn’t recommend ways to punish me. I may be an evil maniac, but I’m not an idiot.”
Princess Celestia shook her head. “Discord…”
He sighed and rested his chin on the table resignedly. “Here it comes.”
She gave him a disapproving look, then continued. “Discord, I brought you to Ponyville because I believed that you had it in you to use your powers for good instead of evil. Your powers may have changed since then, but my belief hasn’t. You may not think you’re interested in making friends. You may not think the well-being of other ponies concerns you. But Discord…” She walked forward and leaned down, smiling at him. He scowled back. “You may not know yourself as well as you think.” She straightened up. “Go back to Ponyville. See if you can’t make the ponies there like you.” She winked. “You’ll enjoy it.”
Princess Luna approached as well. Discord had to bend his head back to look at the two of them. “You have most likely realized by now that you don’t have a choice in the matter,” she said.
“No, I suppose not.” He shrugged. “Fine, I’ll do it. I’ll become best friends with every pony in Equestria. I’ll forgive them for being boring and annoying, they’ll forgive me for trying to spice things up a bit around here, and our camaraderie will light up the sky with magical rainbows of pure harmonic power.” His signature smug smile crept back onto his face. “But I won’t like it.”
Princess Luna closed her eyes and sighed. Princess Celestia, however, looked satisfied. “Thank you, Discord. We can’t ask any more of you than to try. Now…” She looked over her shoulder. “There’s one more pony here who may need some time to get used to a new situation.”
All eyes turned to Applejack, who flinched at the sudden attention. “I’m really sorry about all this,” she muttered.
Princess Celestia shook her head. “It’s not your fault, Applejack.”
“It actually is,” said Discord, eliciting glares from both princesses. He scoffed. “Well, it is. You may not think it, but being a chaos magician takes discipline, which my replacement here obviously doesn’t have.”
Applejack nodded reluctantly. “It’s true. I try, I really do, but this magic just gets outta my control sometimes. Whatever I think of just happens. How am I supposed to control that? We’re lucky I haven’t ended the world yet.”
“You can’t actually do that, I’m afraid,” Discord noted. “Believe me. I’ve tried.”
Princess Celestia was looking down at him.
He frowned suspiciously back at her. “I don’t like the look of that smile. What are you thinking?”
“Applejack has only had these new powers for a day. What she lacks is experience.” She raised her eyebrows meaningfully. “And a good teacher.”
Applejack’s jaw dropped. “A… good teacher?”
Discord shook his head scornfully. “Princess, you may know about teaching, but chaos is an art, and you don’t know the first thing about it.” He crossed his forelegs. “Only I do.”
Princess Celestia’s smile only grew more foreboding.
Discord’s haughty expression slowly gave way to uncertainty, then comprehension. He pointed at himself disbelievingly. “You want me to…?” He paused for a moment, then burst out laughing. “Oh, Princess, you really are something! That’s a terrible idea! Of course I’ll do it.”
Applejack and Luna turned to look at her. “Thank you, Discord,” she said simply.
He grinned. “No problem at all, Your Highness.”
She glanced at Princess Luna, who seemed unhappy but kept quiet. “Now I suggest you both take the next train back to Ponyville. It’s time for my sister and me to bring the day to an end.”
“What?” asked Applejack, startled. “Is that it? You don’t even have any sage advice about how to handle bein’ the most powerful pony in Equestria?”
Discord laughed. “You don’t know the Head Honcho Princess very well, do you? I think you’ll find that she has a non-interventionist or, to use the scientific term, ‘lazy’ policy when it comes to these things.”
Princess Celestia chuckled and shook her head. “Giving sage advice is your job now, Discord. I expect you both to keep me informed about how lessons are going. But if you have any questions, feel free to ask me anything at any time.”
Of course Applejack had questions.
She… just couldn’t think of any.
After searching for a few moments, it occurred to her that there was one thing she was genuinely curious about. She walked forward and set her hoof on the stone pedestal. “What’s the story behind this here table?” she asked.
The Princess’s smile faded. “I wish I knew. The Elements of Harmony can be unpredictable and inconsistent. As far as I know, this artifact didn’t exist until today.”
“You shouldn’t trust those things,” Discord commented. He put a foreleg around Applejack’s shoulder and steered her towards the door. “Well, new friend slash student, let’s be off. We don’t want to miss the next train to Ponyville! Whenever it comes.”
“Right…” She looked back at the princesses. “So long, I guess. I’ll write to let you know how things are goin’.” I hope you know what you’re doing, she thought.
Discord shut the door behind them and turned a pleasant smile to Applejack as they walked down the hallway. “You said that last part out loud,” he said. “In case you didn’t know.”
* * *
Discord swung the door open with all his might.
“Stop doin’ that, Discord. You hit that poor fella in the face last time.” Applejack gestured towards a dapper but bruised-looking gentlecolt glaring at Discord from the car behind them.
“Oh, don’t worry so much, Applejack. What are the chances of something like that happening twice?” He gave the next car a good look around. “Ah, finally!” He dragged Applejack through the door and closed it. “Look! A car all to ourselves! Now I can divulge all of the deepest secrets of chaos to you without fear.”
Applejack looked around the car as well. It was empty. She didn’t know what else she’d expected. “So that’s why you didn’t wanna stop in any o’ the other cars. I thought you were just the type who doesn’t like sittin’ next to strangers.”
“Who, me? Perhaps you’ve already forgotten who you’re talking to! I made all of Equestria my canvas, several times! I am most certainly not shy.” He flopped down in a random seat and gestured towards the spot across the table from him. Applejack took it.
“I do wonder, though—and I’m telling you this because you’re my friend now and friends talk to each other about pointless things—why there are so many ponies taking the train to Ponyville in the middle of the night. Has it suddenly become a popular tourist destination? Because of me, perhaps?”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Most of ’em are probably gettin’ off at other stops.”
“Oh. Yes.” Discord cleared his throat. “Yes, well, I knew that. What, did you think I didn’t know that trains have multiple stops?”
She shrugged. “You’ve been trapped in stone for most of a few thousand years.”
“They had trains back then. Oh, yes, I remember them… They were so much fun to tie in knots.” He chuckled and pressed his hooves together. “And that is exactly what I’m going to teach you! Won’t it be fun? I have quite the curriculum planned, you know! On day one, I’ll introduce you to the concept of ‘schadenfreude’. It’s not as critical as the joy of pure chaos, but it’s much easier to master.”
“You know that’s not what the Princesses had in mind, Discord. All I want is for you to teach me how not to use my magic.”
Discord sighed. “How boring. Well, Applejack, suppose I did decide to teach you how to use chaos magic ‘by the book’, as if that made any sense. Keeping it suppressed may be what you’re struggling with now, but you’ll find later on that getting it to do what you want is even harder. So obviously our lessons wouldn’t begin and end with not using it.”
“Except what I want it to do is nothin’.”
Discord squinted at her. “And what, pray tell, does that mean, exactly?”
Applejack looked firmly back at him. “It means no more chaos magic. Ever again. I’m in charge of it, it’s my job to keep Equestria safe from it.”
His eyes slowly widened until they looked like they were going to pop out of his skull. “Do you have any idea what you are saying?” he asked through clenched teeth.
“Chaos magic may be important to you, Discord, but we don’t need it. Equestria gets on just fine without crazy, dangerous magic powerin’ everything.”
He let out a curt laugh and leaned back in disbelief. “What Equestria are you living in? Look out the window, Applejack. We are, at this very moment, riding on a magic-powered train traveling at 80 miles per hour! Is that not dangerous? What if somepony’s on the tracks?”
“Alright, maybe we do have some dangerous magic. But that don’t mean we need to add more.”
Discord held his head in his hooves and groaned. “This is the pony I’m supposed to be teaching?” He leaned against the table and pointed at Applejack. “Applejack, I don’t normally mind what ponies think. But you are insulting everything I care about. I didn’t even know I cared about anything, but I suppose I must, because you’re insulting all of it.”
Applejack crossed her forelegs. “Yeah… that ain’t exactly discouraging.”
“Thank you, Applejack. You’re a real pal. Look, just… If you’d just think about what I’m saying here for a moment. You have nearly infinite power at your disposal. There have to be some uses for it which are not evil.” He spread his hooves in an I don’t know what else to say kind of gesture. “Are you getting this?”
“I’m gettin’ ya. But just because I can do somethin’ some way don’t mean I should. Best laid plans o’ mice and mares and all that.” She shook her head. “There are some uses for murder that ain’t evil. But as long as there’s another way, I don’t think even you would resort to that.”
“Those are not the same—” He stopped. Rolling his eyes, he waved a hoof dismissively. “You know what, fine. If you’re not going to do what’s best for Equestria, that’s none of my concern. I don’t care about Equestria. I don’t even know what I’m arguing with you for.”
“And if you don’t respect my decisions, that’s fine by me.”
“Fine by me, too.”
They glared at each other across the table.
Discord’s face lit up. “Oh, Applejack? I was going to ask you something.”
“Yeah?”
“Can I have some money?”
Applejack looked at him through half-lidded eyes.
“Ponies need to eat food, right? I don’t really have any, you see.”
She let out a long sigh. “Discord… I’m a farmer. If you need food, you can ask me for food, not money.”
“Alright,” he said cheerfully. “Can I have some food?”
Applejack shrugged. “Fine, I guess.”
“Excellent! I’ve never really eaten food before. I wonder what it tastes like. Now!” He rubbed his hooves together. “Since that’s settled, I have a very important book I would like to share with you.” He pulled a thick, dusty old tome from somewhere or other and let it fall to the table with a thud that made Applejack instinctively check whether the surface was still level.
“Where’d that come from?”
Discord leafed through the pages, smiling. “I bought it while you weren’t looking.”
“How’d you buy it without any money?” asked Applejack suspiciously.
He shrugged. “Beats me. I don’t concern myself with such things. Ah! Here’s the first page.” He tilted the book towards himself and cleared his throat. “Knock knock.”
Applejack gave him her most unamused look.
Discord grinned expectantly. “This is the part where you ask who’s there,” he explained.
“I know.”
He shook his head in mock disappointment. “Oh, come now, Applejack. How am I supposed to practice being a better friend if you won’t even let me entertain you with knock-knock jokes?”
“I don’t much care for knock-knock jokes.”
“Well, I do. Maybe you need to practice being a better friend.” He cleared his throat again and knocked on the table. “Knock knock.”
“Who’s there.”
Discord chuckled. “Dishes.”
“Dishes who,” said Applejack reluctantly.
“Dishes…” He shook with restrained laughter. “Dishes…”
She watched as he set the book down and laughed into his hoof.
“I… I don’t know if I can get it out…” He wiped a tear from his eye and picked the book back up. “Okay, here goes. Dishes…” He took a deep breath. “…a really bad joke.” He bit his lip and looked up at Applejack.
Applejack looked back.
Discord burst out into uproarious laughter. “Ahahahahaha! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! Priceless! Simply marvelous!” He pounded the table. “I think I may be beginning to see your side of things, Applejack. Who needs chaos magic for entertainment when you have knock-knock jokes?” He picked the book up. “Well, let’s get down to business. There are who knows how many thousands of jokes in here, and we only have four hours to get through them all.”
Applejack propped her face up on her hoof and looked out the window at the dark countryside rolling by. “Thanks a lot, Princess,” she muttered.