Morning light poured over the horizon, embracing Ponyville in its warmth like a freshly cleaned blanket. The soft music of early singing birds could be heard as the world awoke from its nighttime slumber. A soft breeze wafted through the air and across the gentle summer grass which rose into the clear blue sky like tiny emerald spires as the delicate scent of flowers flowed through the air like a sweet perfume.
“Five minutes in and this day is already starting to suck!”
“I think it’s pwetty.”
The first speaker was a short, dark wood brown, earth pony stallion. His navy blue and white mane hung loosely around his neck. The second was a tall onyx alicorn, his mane and tail, dark as oil, fell to the ground in large clumps that created a dark shadow around his hooves.
“Shut up,” the earth pony commanded as he jumped into the air to give his companion a solid whack on the top of his muzzle. “You think everything is pwetty.”
“Well, you think everything sucks,” the dark alicorn countered, rubbing his previously smacked snout.
“Well it does, Nightshade,” the earth pony said. “I mean, come on. Birds chirping, sun shining, flowers blooming, how am I supposed to destroy all this?” The earth pony hung his head as his tone became more and more dejected.
“It’s just flowers and sunshine.”
“I know,” the earth pony replied, rolling his eyes. “But it’s like nature itself is mocking me. Here I am, on the precipice of causing the downfall of an empire, where peace and prosperity has reigned unquestioned for a millennium, and the universe wants to go and herald my coming with springtime rainbows. It could be at least be partly cloudy, or uncomfortably humid, or something!”
“Come on, Oak,” Nightshade assured, “do you want to burn something down? Would that make you feel better?”
“Yes,” the pony replied gloomily.
“All right then. As soon as we’re done, we’ll go find a nice, big forest full of cute little woodland animals, maybe an orphanage and we’ll burn it to the ground. Then we’ll get ice cream!”
Oak looked up at Nightshade with the largest eyes he could muster. “Two scoops?”
“Two scoops.”
“Yay! Ice Cream! Thanks Nightshade, you always know how to cheer me up.”
“All right then, now let’s get started. Today can’t be totally bad; we finally start the plan today.”
“Oh yeah,” Oak cleared his voice as he prepared to speak. “I, Oak, aka the infamous Lord Deadwood…”
“Don’t you have to be known to be infamous?” Nightshade asked.
“Do you mind? I’m in epic speech voice here.”
“And another thing, don’t you have to rule over something to be a lord? Sure, you’ve got full control over me, but that’s only because I’m a figment of your imagination. So I don’t actually exist.”
“Nightshade, I am trying to make a proclamation.”
“Oh, sorry, continue.”
“As I was saying, I, the infamous Lord Deadwood, here by swear that on this day and all days hereafter…”
“What about nights?”
“What?”
“Well, you said all days, what about nights? What if the opportunity presents itself after the sun goes down?”
Oak glared at Nightshade, whose legs suddenly disappeared, leaving his limbless body to fall to the ground.
“I hate you,” Nightshade whispered as he rolled in the dirt.
“Keep talking and I’ll find a hill. Now where was I?”
“This day and all days hereafter.”
“Right. I will pursue the goal of destroying the Elements of Harmony and all of Equestria!” Oak rose up on his back hooves and began to cackle madly as thunder and lightning boomed and flashed around him.
“How do you always do that?” Nightshade asked, “The lighting and stuff when you laugh.”
“Oh, I don’t really do it. I just imagine it, and since you’re a figment of my imagination it means that you can see it.”
“Well why can’t you ever imagine up some cool stuff? Like hot mares, think of hot mares.”
Oak stared at Nightshade’s still legless form for several seconds before flashing a wicked smile.
“What?” Nightshade asked curiously.
“I’m imagining hot mares,” Oak answered smugly.
Nightshade looked around before turning back to the brown stallion, “I don’t see any hot mares.”
“I know, I imagined that there were hot mares who are invisible to you. Right now they’re all around us, wearing all kinds of saddles and socks, but you can’t hear or see any of them.”
“Why would you do this? Why would you tell me this?”
“Because your suffering sustains me. Now come on, we have a quest to fulfill!” With that, Oak reared back and galloped away toward Ponyville, leaving Nightshade alone in the dirt.
He let out a heavy sigh and began to drag himself forward with his chin. “Ugh, this dirt tastes like dirt.”
***
Just outside Ponyville’s town limit, Oak waited patiently, hidden in a bush. He peered out cautiously at the rural town as its citizens began to rouse and prepare for the day. Merchants set up their trading positions, while early morning shoppers patrolled the streets. As Oak made himself invisible observing the town unseen, Nightshade took a slightly different approach.
“Ah, what a quaint little settlement,” Nightshade breathed out with a sigh, standing in absolute plain slight after having gotten his legs back.
“Nightshade,” Oak whispered loudly, “Get. In. The bush.”
“Why?” Nightshade asked, throwing his companion a quizzical look. “There’s no way I’ll fit in there and nopony can see me anyway. I don’t see a point.”
“Oh, well, you know,” Oak began in a condescending voice, “I just feel a little weird sitting on the outskirts of a town staring at the early risers while hiding in a bush.”
“Oh, I see,” Nightshade began, as a pair of thin glasses appeared over his eyes, “You feel insecure and alone. Watching other ponies live and interact with others, while you are alone, hiding on the sidelines, in a bush. You’ve placed yourself into a self-imposed exile as you fear rejection from others, but, one of the reasons I exist is because your fear of rejection is only matched by your fear of solitude. Thus your cry out for me to join you in the bush is not simply a want for me to get out of the street, but for your horrible exile to come to an end.”
Oak was silent for a moment, before responding in an emotionless tone. “My imaginary friend does not get to play therapist with me. Bush. Now.”
Nightshade gave a loud, “Ughhh,” and trotted over next to Oak.
“Excellent,” Oak said as he began to rub his hooves together menacingly. “Now give me the binoculars.”
“We’re five feet from the town. What do we need binoculars for?!”
“Do not question me! We will use binoculars, because I want to use binoculars, now, BINOCULARS!”
“Yeah, we don’t have binoculars,” Nightshade said as he began to scratch the back of his head with a hoof.
“What? Why not?” Oak asked.
“We didn’t have enough room in the budget.”
“We have a budget?”
“No,” Nightshade said, “that’s why we didn’t have room.”
“Hmmmmmm,” Oak placed a hoof beneath his chin and struck the most dramatic thinking pose he could, until, after a few moments, his eyes suddenly widened in epiphany. “Nightshade, I have just come to a startling revelation. Actually two, now that I think about.”
“What is it?” Nightshade asked.
“Well, the first is that this bush, the same one I happen to have my whole body submerged in right now, is actually covered in poison ivy.”
“I told you that you should have learned something when you tried to destroy that colt scouts’ camping trip with a bear attack.”
“I did. I learned that’s it’s better to spray the grounds than myself with bear pheromones when trying to lure a bear out during their mating season.”
“Well, some good came out of it. That camp counselor did run into that ornithologist who was studying Phoenixes. They seemed to hit it off quite nicely.”
“Are you kidding? Do you remember what happened to me with that bear? I’ve still got the scars to prove it.”
“You don’t have any scars from that bear attack.”
“I meant the mental ones. You don’t just un-see that stuff.”
Nightshade winced at the memories which he was unfortunate enough to share. “So what was that second revelation?”
“Oh yes. Well, with our lack of a budget, I have come to this conclusion….”
Nightshade waited a few seconds before asking, “Yes?”
“I’m taking a dramatic pause. It builds tension.”
“Tension for what? Just tell me.”
“Do not try to deny me my most basic of pony rights!” Oak shouted.
Nightshade rolled his eyes. “So you have come to the conclusion that….?”
“I’ve got to get a job.”
“Did you say a job?” Pinkie Pie asked.
Oak turned slowly toward the sound of the new voice to be met with a mass of pink fur and a beaming white smile.
“Hiya,” Pinkie Pie said, her smile somehow stretching even further than before.
“AHHHHHHH!!!! NOT THE PINK ONE!!!!!” Oak shirked as he jumped straight into the air like a filly on her first Nightmare Night. Seeing her smile turn to an expression of confusion, Oak immediately realized his folly and corrected himself. “I mean… hi. How are you? I guess.”
“Pink One?” Pinkie repeated, tilting her head off to the side and looking at Oak like one would when contemplating another’s sanity. Her expression soon changed from mental ward supervisor back to colt in a candy store. “Is that a nickname?” Her eyes grew to the size of saucers as she leaned in toward Oak, causing their faces to become pressed against each other. “If you’re giving me a nickname that must mean we’re friends. But we can’t be friends yet because I don’t know you and I know every pony in Ponyville. But if I don’t know you then that means you’re new in town, which means… OH MY GOODNESS.”
With that cry of realization, Pinkie took off leaving a pony shaped cloud of dust where she had been standing only a second ago. With a brief moment of respite, Oak turned to Nightshade with a grim expression on his face. “All right, the pink one, what do we know?”
“Name: Pinkie Pie. Element of laughter. Baker. Loves partying and making ponies smile. According to gossip columns, she actually has a partying problem, which may be an excellent weak point with which to destroy her. Absolutely random, enough to the point that any studies of her bore almost no results whatsoever."
“Well I would have studied her more if I wasn’t so scared of her discovering me. I mean, there’s no telling what that one knows or doesn’t know at any given time.”
“Oh, you were studying them? I thought you were just stalking the elements and for some reason you didn’t like pink ponies.”
“I was not stalking them!” Oak shouted defensively.
“Yes, you were just following six different mares, observing their movements, memorizing their habits, and watching them all times of the day,” Nightshade joked accusingly. “I remember you stayed up one night just to watch Applejack sleep.”
“I was doing important research! How else am I supposed to get rid of them unless I know them? And I’ll have you know that Applejack, being a farmer, gets up early, so I had to make sure I recorded exactly when she wakes up!”
“Yeah, research, that’s what they call it,” Nightshade said with an eye roll.
“Shut up or I’ll rip your spine out and use it as a croquet mallet.”
“You suck at croquet.”
“Whew,” Pinkie Pie said as she once more approached Oak and his mental companion, this time pulling a small wagon behind her. “Sorry I took so long. This is my welcome wagon! I use it to welcome new ponies to Ponyville.” Pinkie unhitched herself from the wagon and placed a party hat atop Oak’s head. “It even comes with a song!”
“Uh, I don’t-“
“Sir,” Nightshade interrupted, bending down to whisper in Oak’s ear. He had on a pair of black sunglasses and a dark suit with an earpiece tucked into the left side of his head. “You should know that nearly everything the pink one does involves some form of sugar coated pastry, and the odds of receiving one of these delicacies will be increased by eighty-seven point five percent should you allow the element of laughter to begin her introduction ritual.”
“LAY THAT SONG ON ME!” Oak shouted, needing no other motivation than a free meal.
Pinkie pressed a small red button on the side of her wagon, causing it to burst forth into an array of trumpets and flags. Several shelves lined with cupcakes and pies sat next to a small oven beneath a few pipes of various sizes that stretched up toward the sky. Music immediately filled the air as Pinkie Pie began to sing.
“Welcome, welcome welcome, a fine welcome to you.”
“Welcome welcome welcome, I say how do you do.”
At this stage in the song Pinkie switched her tactics from dancing, to aiding the music with an array of instruments that just seemed to appear at her beck and call.
“Welcome welcome welcome, I say hip hip hooray!”
“Welcome welcome welcome, to Ponyville todaaaaaaaay!”
As if on command, as Pinkie finished the last note, an array of confetti blasted out of the wagon’s oven immediately followed by the pipes shooting a mass of pink substance into the air. The confetti flew past Oak, knocking him squarely onto his back. From his new found posture he had a perfect view of the blob of strawberry cake dough falling straight on top of him with an audible splat.
“You know, at first I accidentally mixed up the confetti and the cake,” Pinkie said just before using her tongue to lick every speck of dough from her body, “but I think I like this a lot better.”
“Well I guess it does-“
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!” Oak whipped his head around at the sound to find Nightshade, covered in so much dough that the only way to recognize him was his height, reared up, wings flared, screaming at the sky. “THEY DARE! THEY DARE!”
“What up?” Oak asked nonchalantly.
“THE PINK ONE HAS DEFILED MY BEAUTEOUS COAT WITH HER FROSTING! And it was strawberry, she could have at least gone with chocolate, I do love chocolate. Anyway, HOW DARE SHE!” Nightshade lifted a massive axe into the air and glared at Pinkie, who had no idea of the figments hateful vendetta. “HEADS WILL ROLL!”
Oak gave an exasperated sigh before mentally bucking Nightshade in the face. Nightshade, being a mental figment, took the blow in a very physical form, flying through the air, his axe spinning off into the distance.
Ignoring the horrible screaming and death threats that Nightshade was throwing his way, Oak looked back up at Pinkie Pie to find the aforementioned mare staring down at him in that “should-I call-a-psychiatric-ward” look again. “Who are you talking to?” the pink pony asked.
“What?” Oak asked, quickly realizing that he was already showing his insanity to the local populace. “Oh nopony, I’m not talking to anypony, I mean there’s nopony around for me to talk to except for you so unless I was talking to you I wasn’t talking at all because there’s nopony else to talk to therefore I must have been talking to nopony.” Oak gave Pinkie his biggest innocent smile, which was about as convincing as one coming from a cockatrice in a statue garden.
Pinkie eyes narrowed as she stared directly into his eyes. She brought her face mere inches from his own to where Oak could see his reflection in her stone like gaze.
‘Oh no, it’s like she’s piecing my very soul!’ Oak thought. ‘She’s so going to know I’m lying, She’s probably digging through all my thoughts and memories right now, seeing everything I’ve ever thought before………. Oh, she’s going to kill herself. That’s not good, though I guess that’s one element down. Still, suicide due to inability to handle the depravity that is my mind is not what I was going for.’
“Okie dokey lokie,” Pinkie suddenly exclaimed, snapping back to her happy normal self. “Anyway, I heard you say something about needing a job, right?”
“Yes,” Oak answered. In truth he hadn’t really thought this whole plan out. If he wanted to destroy the Elements of Harmony the way he wanted, he would need to get to know them, study them more closely, and infiltrate their circles of friendship. To do all that would take time, and thus he would need to be able to sustain himself for a couple weeks or months, a few decades at the most, and doing that would require a job.
“Weeeeelllllllll,” Pinkie said, “It’s almost applebucking season and I heard that my friend Applejack is looking for help with this year’s harvest.”
“Wow, that’s pretty lucky for me, I guess,” Oak said. ‘YEEEEEEESSSSSSS. Already getting close to the element of honesty. From the position of a trusted friend and employee, I’ll be able to bring Applejack to her knees with utter ease. Ha, I made a rhyme.’ “So could you tell me where I can find, Applejack, you said?”
“Yeah,” Pinkie answered as she began hopping in place. “Just follow me.” With that, Pinkie about faced and began to hop away.
“KARMA, KARMA WHERE ARE YOU?”
Oak turned to see Nightshade searching frantically around for something and calling out in random directions.
“What are you doing?” Oak asked.
“I’m looking for Karma, have you seen her?”
“Are you searching for that axe you were planning on decapitating the element of laughter with? Wait, did you name an axe?”
“Yes and yes,” Nightshade answered, “Karma was very special to me.”
“You carry around, like, forty-seven different axes at any given time,” Oak exclaimed. “Why are you looking for this one?”
“Karma was my favorite. I used her to exact horrid vengeance upon those who had wronged me, and she had an awesome snack compartment in the shaft where I stored candy.”
“Stop worrying, there are plenty of axes on the weapon rack.”
“None like her, though,” Nightshade said longingly.
“Never mind that,” Oak said with a wave of his hoof, “while you were off looking for Kismet or whatever, I managed to secure a job at none other than Sweet Apple Acres. What do you think of that?”
“I think I’m out one executioner’s axe.”
“Oh, don’t be such a baby. Come on, we need to catch up to Pinkie, and don’t draw attention to yourself. This plan is going more smoothly than I anticipated.”
Nightshade watched as Oak ran to catch up with the still bouncing Pink pony. He glared angrily at the brown stallion. “You’ll pay for making me lose Karma! WELL I GUESS WE’RE OFF TO MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION ON SOMEPONY THAT WE NEED TO BECOME CLOSE FRIENDS WITH,” Nightshade shouted into the sky. “WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?”