I sit down in the library and grab a book I was reading off the table. Odd, I’m pretty sure I left it by the chair... strange. Oh well, Spike may have moved it when he was cleaning. I turn the page and a bat flies out of the book hitting me right in the face!
“Holy crap!” I watch the bat leap into the air and then flutter to the ground, unmoving. I look closer... it’s just a piece of paper with a drawing of a bat on it! I hear a laugh from outside the library window.
“Hah, gotcha, Anthony!”
I chuckle at the prank’s success . “Good one Dash, but don’t think you’ve won.”
Faking a gasp of horror, she flies off into the sky. I chase her outside, and I hear a *click* at my feet.
Huh? I now have pie in my face. I hear Pinkie giggling from behind a tree. “You have not won either Pink- ooooh, banana cream.” I say, licking the pie off my face as far as my tongue can reach.
Pinkie replies with a quick “You’re welcome!” and runs off.
For the past two months, Pinkie, Rainbow, and I have been participating in a three-way prank war. It started when Pinkie and I poured grape juice all over Rainbow Dash’s cloud house. Even though Pinkie didn’t get the “Purple rain” joke, it was still hilarious. Because of that, sometimes one of us works with another to set up a big prank for the third.
We are certainly enjoying ourselves, but unfortunately, there have been some misfires and unintended victims. Occasionally, a prank is set up, but it has a malfunction or is accidentally triggered by a random pony, leading to someone other than the intended target being affected. In other words, we screw up and hit innocent bystanders.
It’s all in good fun, but there are still times when one is not in the mood to be pranked, especially if they are not part of the war. This has led to us getting in a lot of trouble. Last week, Mrs. Cake came home before Pinkie did and ended up with a bucket of porridge on her head. Boy, she was soooo mad, I had to avoid her for the next two days.
I had the perfect idea to get Rainbow Dash back, but I needed some help. I checked my list of ingredients.
First, I need some hydrogen peroxide. Luckily, I know where I can get it. I head to the Ponyville dental clinic and ask for some. The mare hands me a medium sized bottle. “Here’s your mouthwash, sir.” I grin. Mouthwash, sure, hehehehehe.
Next, I need some yeast. I head over to Sugarcube Corner to see Pinkie Pie. I walk in the door.
“Heya Mrs. Cake. I’m here to see Pinkie about something.” Cup gives me a suspicious glance. I raise my arms in surrender. “I come in peace, I swear.”
She sighs and gestures for me to go up the stairs. I open Pinkie’s door.
“Heya Pinkie.”
“Anthony!?” She shoves something behind her back and I give her a grin at the idea of catching Pinkie in the middle of setting up her next trick. “Er, I mean, hi!”
“So Pinkie, wanna help me with something I have planned for Rainbow?”
“Sure! What are we gonna get Dashie with this time?” I kneel down and whisper my plan to her. “Oooooooooooooh, I can’t wait!”
“Great, now I’m gonna need some yeast and warm water.” I say, looking over my mental ingredients list.
Pinkie straightens up and gives me a salute, grinning like a maniac “Okie Dokie Lokie! I’ll be right back!”
In a few minutes we’re positioned under Rainbow’s house, and we have a bottle rocket ready.
“Now Pinkie, remember, we have to set the rocket off immediately after we mix the ingredients into this chamber here, got it?”
“Yep! We send this rocket straight up into Dashie’s cloud and then it fills her house with goo!”
“Alright, let’s do it.” I pour in the yeast mixture and give it a moment to settle. This is very delicate and requires precision, which is why I’m doing it. Thumbs are awesome.
I squeeze in some dish soap and use a thin stick of coal to mix it all together. Now it gets tricky.
“Alright Pinkie, safety goggles on.” We strap on our protective eyewear and I take a cup and a half of the Hydrogen Peroxide. I pour it in quickly and Spark up, using my fire powers to start the fuse.
The rocket launches into the air, but a sudden gust of wind throws the rocket off course. Uh oh. It’s heading right for Golden Oaks. Twilight steps outside and I see the rocket land at her feet.
“Twilight, run!” She looks up.
“Wha-” *FOOOMF!*
The mixture in the rocket goes off, spewing out enough sticky goop to fill an entire house. Twilight is no longer visible, trapped in the mass of textureless white foam.
Pinkie pats me on the back. “Wow, I uh... I just remembered I need to be somewhere. Bye!” I watch Pinkie run off at a full gallop. Great.
“Anthony! What in Equestria is this stuff!?” Twilight continues yelling as she struggles to get out of the thick compound.
Twilight comes downstairs, having finally gotten all of the gunk out of her coat, mane, and tail. She gives me the evil eye every chance she gets. "Spike. Take... a letter.” I’ve seen Twilight angry, but I’ve never seen her develop a nervous tick because of it.
Cautiously, Spike comes up to Twilight, armed with quill and parchment. Even he’s scared. Twilight begins her dictation.
“Dear Princess Celestia.
I'm going to kill Anthony if you don't get him out of my reach.
Your faithful and infuriated student,
Twilight Sparkle."
“Would saying sorry for the hundred and eighteenth time help?” I ask hopefully.
Twilight glares at me, eyes burning with silent fury. “Not in the slightest.”
Oh well, guess I’m going to be spending the next week or so in Canterlot...
Twenty minutes and a teleport later, I’m walking around the Castle Town portion of Canterlot. The place is a bit new to me, or rather, I’m a bit new to the town. As such, I get my usual surprised glances, shut doors and the like. I decide to check out what kind of stuff goes on around a posh place like this.
I walk along seeing fancy shop after fancy shop. This place is practically built on consumerism. It’s more than a little irritating. Surely these high-class ponies have more entertainment than shopping. Ah who am I kidding? I don’t belong here, I’m far too... rustic, I suppose.
I turn a corner and the first building I see I have to give a double take. It looks like... A dance club? And not like some schmancy ballroom, this place is for parties. Oh thank Nayru, I have hope for this town yet. I approach the door, but it says it’s closed until much later in the afternoon, practically night. Ah, one of those kind of clubs. Perfect. I make a mental note of how to get back here for later.
Even after having checked about ten more blocks, I don’t see any more similar places of entertainment. I feel the urge to shake things up a bit, break the doldrums of this one-rave-town.
But what to do? Man, I miss Discord sometimes, but there’s still two and a half years until his detention is up. I sigh heavily.
I run out into the street and approach the first pony I see. I grab him by his... whatever horses have instead of shoulders.
“What do you bores do for fun all day!?” The stallion just freaks out and bolts, of course. I stay in the middle of the streets and raise my arms to the sky. “This place is so boring!!”
I’m approached by a guard. “Sir, I’m sorry you’re bored, but if you continue yelling like that, I’m going to have to charge you with noise pollution and disturbing the peace.” he looks at me apologetically, and a quick glance in the direction he came from reveals a few skittish ponies hiding behind a fancy cart, likely selling the street equivalent of hors d'oeuvres.
“Fiiiiine...” I just walk off and find a cafe where I sit down. Unsurprisingly, I’m not served as I don’t look like I’d have money. Or because I’m a freak. Hard to tell with these stuck up ponies. Suddenly I’m approached by a... pony? Shape is right, but it’s wearing so many facial and bodily-obscuring clothes I honestly can’t tell. I can at least tell it has a horn. Pink, but that doesn’t really help much.
“Hello there.” Well, definitely a feminine voice. And friendly-sounding, too, if a little cautious.
Not sure what else to say, I respond with, “Uh... hi?”
She chuckles. “Yes, I’m actually talking to you. You don’t seem very... accepted.”
I gesticulate frustratedly. “Yeah, and all the stuff around here is so expensive it’s crazy.”
“Let me buy you something.” she says, her magical aura lifting a small bag of Bits out.
“R- really?” This is a surprise. She’s... actually nice. “I mean, thanks. You’re the first pony here to even give me a chance.”
She chuckles, a nice sort of sound. “I don’t see why I shouldn’t.”
She goes inside the cafe and returns with a pair of... I’m not sure. It’s some kind of pastry, but I don’t quite have a name for it. Anyway, I take a bite. Not bad.
“So, I suppose I should introduce myself.” I say, remembering my manners and swallowing before talking. “I’m Anthony.”
Removing some of her facially-obscuring articles, she places her hoof in my hand and I shake it as she gives me one of the most sincere smiles I’ve seen from this city of self-serving pricks.
“My name is Cadence.” she says, nodding politely to me. I have to admit, this pony is nothing like the usual ponies around here. We just sit and talk, she always has a happy smile and seems to be enjoying my company just as much as I’m enjoying hers.
She does occasionally shift her eyes to the side, but I suppose a bit of paranoia isn’t bad. She’s so nice I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been mugged before, but the mugger gave back the money out of guilt. We continue our conversation, just sharing anecdotes. Of course, I refrain from mentioning my more intense experiences, but I still manage to make my life sound interesting.
I’m recounting one of the more humorous stories from the prank war, and in a fit of laughter she throws her head back and her hat falls off. Suddenly she gets a deer-in-the-headlights look, and then a guard runs over. “Oh drat.” She mutters. Moments later, guards in their gold-foil armor have us surrounded, and for a second I think I’m going to have to fight to protect the one good pony I’ve met in this stupid city.
Then, the guard with the most impressive hat steps forward, drops into a bow in front of Cadence. “Princess Cadenza, there you are! You know you shouldn’t wander away from your detachment!” The guard gives me a hard glare. “You never know what kind of strange things you’ll encounter.”
She looks rather sad, then sighs and begins to stand and follow them as the guards lead her towards the castle. “Well, uh, hope to see you later, Cadence!” I shout after her as she’s led away by her escort.
“Bye Anthony!” she says, frowning adorably. “I, uh... gotta go!”
Still, a princess huh? That was unexpected. Guess she gets just as bored with this place as I do and has to sneak out. I make a point of figuring out where I can meet Cadence again. Maybe Celestia or Luna would know, fellow princesses and all that.
So, since I’ve nothing better to do, I decide that I should at least see about this ‘Shopping’ thing these Canterlot ponies are so enthralled with.
I walk down to the biggest mall I can find and just walk in. I decide to at least get a laugh by going to some clothes shops and asking if they have anything in my size, as if they carried outfits for humans. Then I act shocked that they don’t have human clothes and call them racists. It got two confused looks, one scared, and three “I am not amused by your antics.” remarks. And one who tried to sell me a Minotauran polo shirt that actually would’ve been nice if I’d had the money, and been about four feet taller.
I notice a bookstore and decide to check out the older literature section. One book catches my eye and I wince. Travels in Wunderland, by Blueish Carol. There are a few more by the same author. The Collected Bestiary of Wunderland and Lookinglass Gates; a Brief Explanation of Portals.
I move on to another group in the same section, which is mislabeled as ‘nonfiction’. What I find is not much better. MacIntosh, Midsummer Night's Dreamwalking, Two Gentlecolts of Veroinka and Roam Orange and Applette.
And who are these written by? A stallion named Spear Shaker.
O Equestria, thy foolish wordplay doth infuriate my soul. How glorious t’would be if you could see thy humorless attempts at comedy for what they truly are, lest I would not wish a thousand perils to befall thy lands, and to gouge out mine eyes with a gardening rake.
I check out some of the books. Of course it’s pretty much the same, but there are some major differences that make them a lot lighter. For one, the Romeo and Juliet mockery has some alicorn of love come in and magically revive the couple after they’ve committed suicide. First of all, have you no guts? Let them die. Secondly, alicorn of love? This belongs in the children’s fiction section.
Hoping Blueish Carol fares better, I crack open Travels in Wunderland. Given what a strange fictitious place Wonderland was already, it’s not that bad, but there’s something bugging me. It’s not terribly different from Lewis’ book, and in a magical land like Equestria, this ‘Wunderland’ place doesn’t sound that far-fetched. I decide to buy it.
I head to the counter at the front and there’s an old pony at the register. I hand him the book. “Blueish Carol? Nopony’s had any interest in these books for ages... You are strange, sir, but you give me hope for a smarter generation.” I thank the stallion and leave.
I continue to a large toy store in the mall and I don’t believe what I see. This is like a children’s paradise! There are all kinds of toys and they’re just out in the open! No packaging, no glass walls, the toys are just out there for someone to pick up and play with! Then I notice that there are building blocks. Tons upon tons of building blocks. Interlocking wooden building blocks. Adorable stuffed animals of various colors, sizes, taxonomies, and functions. There’s a huge closet of any sort of costume and prop imaginable and a small stage with various backdrops. Hula hoops, frisbees, a complete arsenal of soft dart and water shooters in the shape of crossbows, a giant ball pit... There’s so much stuff here it’s incredible. I notice that the only ponies around here are just a bunch of fillies and colts. Not a single adult around to ‘monitor’ the fun. At least, none I can see.
I shed a single tear, for I have found the Promised Land.
I sit atop my beanbag chair throne, holding my plastic scepter and wearing a crown of the finest polished brass. I sit in front of my subjects, all stuffed with straw and cotton. My impenetrable fortress made of wooden blocks, is stronger than the hardest styrofoam, and I rule my land of all things plastic and made in china. Or whatever the Equestrian equivalent of China is. Whatever.
I watch as interlopers dare to take down my kingdom, and I pull out my mighty crossbow, my shots flying true, hitting all of my foes and I watch as they scream and writhe in pain...
Then, the foals get up and load their own dart guns with the ammunition I hit them with. We play like this until all the foals are taken home by their mothers. Doesn’t matter, I can still continue. Then the store lights begin to go out and a stallion approaches me.
“Sir, the mall is closing, I’m afraid you are going to have to leave before we lock up for the night.” The stallion has the bored, hassled voice of a minimum-wage drone.
“None can take down Castle Blockfort!” I point my cheap, wooden sword at his nose. “By my decree, thy shall be smitten!”
He heaves a sigh, asking again, “Sir, please, we need to lock up.”
“Brave knight Sir Fluffles, defend your kingdom from the oppressors!” I proceed to throw a stuffed cat at the stallion’s hooves, and he lets out another sigh.
“Your majesty must go home to sleep.” he says, placatingly. “Castle Blockfort will still be here when you get back.”
“Awwwwwww...” Party pooper...
Well, I’ve managed to wait out the day, and now I’ve returned to the dance club I found earlier. I don’t know what these ponies would consider heavier music but I suppose it can’t be too bad. I walk in, and I’m... surprised. First of all, I’m not kicked out for being weird. Second of all, it looks like a normal human setup for the interior. Large speakers, a dance floor with plenty of room, enough light to see but not so much that it’s very well-lit.
And the ponies. Oh man, those that are wearing clothes are definitely wearing what I’d consider ‘party-wear’, and plenty of them even have glowsticks! I’m getting really psyched up! I approach a random mare with a glowstick band around her neck.
“Hey, this is my first time here. Is the music good?”
“Oh you bet, this place is crazy! And tonight, they even have DJ-PON3 on, gonna be awesome!”
Okay, now I’m really excited. After a bit of waiting, it’s showtime. Some colored lights shine down on the turntable set. Out walks a white unicorn with some really neat shades and the craziest mane I’ve ever seen, and her cutie mark is a pair of bridged eighth notes.
Everything about this pony just screams ‘Party!’. When she reaches her turntables, the crowd just goes absolutely wild.
She holds up her hooves to calm down the crowd and leans into the mic. “Hello Canterlo~ot!”
Even though I’m from out of town, the energy radiated by the crowd pumps me up so much I cheer with them. She continues once the cheers die down.
“Yeah! We’re gonna have some fun tonight! Everypony got their glowsticks?”
I can’t help myself, I’m so pumped!
I shout at the top of my lungs. “I am the glowstick!!!” I strike a rocker pose and Spark up, bathing the nearby ponies in my glow.
DJ-PON3 looks out into the crowd at me, before responding just as loudly. “He is the glowstick!! Let’s get this party started!!”
The lights start flashing rapidly as the music comes on. It’s exactly like I expected, only a lot better. Still glowing, I just go absolutely crazy. I probably look like a moron with the way I’m dancing, but at the moment, I couldn’t care less. This is exactly what I’ve needed since I got to Equestria! I move my body along with the techno, interlaced with some of the heaviest bass lines I’ve heard. I feel like my body is just filled with energy as I feel the music pump through my body. The floor could be shaking for all I knew, it probably was, but I felt so in the zone that nothing could bring me down off of cloud nine.
I just keep dancing, feeling the heavy beat intersect the wavering electronic undertones, and I feel like a party animal. All the other ponies are the same. This DJ could lay down music like a master of sound. Not a single pony in the club was sitting down or even standing still. DJ-PON3 does some magic spell or whatever, and she walks away from the stage to join the partygoers.
Eventually, I can’t move anymore, and I’m completely all danced out. Then DJ-PON3 walks over to me, and with a ‘follow me’ gesture, she leads me through a door. It’s a back room of sorts, like a small lounge. You can still hear the music clearly, but it’s quiet enough to have a conversation. I sit down, letting out a breath.
“Man, that’s some great music.”
DJ-PON3 grins wide. “Thanks, new guy!” She reaches into a mini fridge and pulls out a bottle. She tosses one to me and, according to the label, it’s root beer. This day is just about perfect!
The DJ takes a long draught from the bottle and sets it down on a table next to her. Then, another pony walks in. A pristine, dark mane, and a light gray coat. She practically embodies what I’d imagine a ‘Canterlot’ pony to look like. She greets the DJ, which is weird, but I’m not one to judge weird things.
“Those were some pretty neat moves out there, new guy!” the DJ says, grinning like a madman, “I’ve never seen anypony dance like that before!”
“It helps to not have two left feet.” This gets a snicker out the gray mare, but not the DJ, who turns to her friend looking confused. “I don’t get it, what’s so funny, Tavi?”
“Never you mind, Vinyl.” She replies, covering her mouth as she chuckles, her voice much more refined and smooth. “So, you are certainly a new face around here. May I have your name?”
“Anthony.” I give a little bow and return my attention to the DJ. “That was some really really good music. You got serious skills, girl.”
“Hah, a fan already eh?” The DJ gets a cocky grin. “Well, I hate to toot my own horn...”
“Yet, she will anyway.” The gray mare finishes for her friend with a smile and a roll of her eyes.
“Tavi!” the unicorn shouts, blushing a bit.
‘Tavi’ simply continues smiling serenely. “It’s true.”
I grin at the exchange. “So, you’ve gotten my name, what’s your handle? Or do you live by your stage name?”
She finishes her root beer, and lets out a loud, long burp, to which the gray mare sighs at the terrible manners. Not that I’m much better though.
“Name’s Vinyl Scratch.” She takes off her shades, and wow she has some nice magenta eyes. “Guess by your reaction out there, you might be a regular?”
I crack another grin. “Hope so, this place is great!”
“Hah, that’s what I like to hear.” She offers a hoof and I give her a fist bump without even thinking it through. Huh, that actually works perfectly well.
“You already know what I like to hear.” We share a grin.
Vinyl sits down on an equipment case, drinking from a bottle I assume is more root beer, judging by the empty already on the floor. “You’re a pretty cool guy, Anthony. So what are you, anyway?”
“I’m a human.”
“Huh...” She turns to the gray mare, who shakes her head. Vinyl turns to me and shrugs.
“Sorry, I’m one of a kind. So who’s your friend?”
The gray mare stands up straight and gives what I assume is the pony equivalent of a curtsey. “My name is Octavia Philharmonica. I am the lead cellist for the Royal Canterlot Symphony.”
Hoo, big title. I gotta ask, though, “And what’s a classy mare like you doing down here in a rave house?”
“I’m here with Vinyl.” she says with a shrug. “I actually don’t mind the heavier form of aural entertainment, honestly. It’s not suited to every occasion, but... well, neither is any particular music.”
“Yeah, ‘cause I’m the princess of the turntables!” Vinyl replies.
“And apparently I’m fantastic as well, since you have not missed a single one of my recitals yet.” Octavia says, grinning.
“H- hey, I, uh, I...” The pale unicorn begins mumbling and blushing like crazy at the jab, shades resting back over her eyes.
I try and save my new DJ pal. “Hey, nothing wrong with having a bit of culture. All music can be just as entertaining, it all depends on who’s behind the instrument.”
Vinyl chuckles nervously. “Y-yeah, Anthony. Anyway, it’s getting pretty late and I gotta wrap this party up. Hope you come by another time, I’m back here next week, same time.”
“Sweet! If I’m in town, I’ll totally be here.”
“Glad to hear it, dude.” she waves as she heads back out the door, headphones going back into place. “Catch ya later!”
Octavia nods to me politely as well as I get ready to leave. “Goodbye Anthony, it was nice meeting you.”