Robot Scootaloo

by alarajrogers


Harpstrings. Lyra Harpstrings.

Harpstrings. Lyra Harpstrings.

Special Agent Lyra Harpstrings – aka Agent 444, because 4 is the Neighponese code for death -- drove the red convertible sports car down the highway at approximately 110 miles per hour, every so often turning her head to fire a bolt of magic at the thugs pursuing her. Sitting next to her in the passenger seat, the human secret agent Rock Hardt thrust his long, stiff weapon out the side of the convertible, spurting hot lead at their pursuers. "Lyra! They're still gaining on us!"

"Horsefeathers!" She pulled up a communication window on her dashboard. "W, the enemy are in hot pursuit! Have you got anything for us?"

The W department created all the inventions for Her Highness' Extradimensional Secret Service (or HHESS for short). W, the head of the department, appeared on the screen. He was a brown earth pony with an hourglass for a cutie mark. Harpstrings knew his real name, but by regulation the code name for the head of the W department was always W (W stood for "What the hay is that thing?", which was usually what ponies not in the know said about W department's inventions.) "Agent 444, there's a pair of wings hanging from your rear view mirror, where you normally keep the fuzzy dice. See them?"

"Yes."

"Pull on them! That should help you out!"

"Lyra, they're getting closer!" Rock Hardt screamed.

"Here goes nothing!" Harpstrings pulled on the little wings hanging from the mirror. In an instant, the car grew wings and began to climb into the sky, like a pegasus. Soon the two agents had left their pursuit behind.

"Wow," Rock panted, "that was amazing, Lyra!"

"Not as amazing as you were, Rock," Harpstrings purred, and pulled him into a kiss.

For several minutes the two agents of different species made out passionately in the front seat of the red convertible, until finally it landed near the reactor. "Here's my stop," Harpstrings said.

"Right. You go and stop Dr. Nopony! I'll hold off the guards!" Rock said.

"Right!" Harpstrings got out of the car and headed for the secret entrance to the reactor.

"Oh, and come back safe!" Rock shouted, and winked at her. "We've got unfinished business!"

"Believe me, I haven't forgotten," Harpstrings said in a sultry voice, then galloped to the secret entrance.

At the entrance she met Dick Longo, a human man in short, ripped jeans and a white t-shirt that clung to every muscled curve of his torso with sweat. He shook his head, letting his shaggy blonde locks fall out of his eyes. "Agent 444. I've been expecting you." His eyes traveled over her body. "I have to admit, I didn't expect the deadly agent 444 to be such an... attractive mare."

"And I didn't expect our mole in Dr. Nopony's organization to be such a handsome man," Harpstrings said. "Where's Dr. Nopony?"

"I can take you to her. She and her cat are in the control room."

Dick Longo used his ID to get himself and Harpstrings past all the base's traps. Harpstrings watched his fine, toned leg muscles and glutes flex in front of her as he moved. The human male body was so amazing, Harpstrings thought. "I have to thank you, Dick. With you helping out, this hasn't been hard at all!"

"Oh, I don't know," he said teasingly. "It seems plenty hard from my end."

"Maybe my end just isn't aware of how hard it is for you," Harpstrings replied. "Maybe you'd better show my end your... perspective."

Dick grinned. "Maybe later," he said.

Soon Dick and Harpstrings were at the control room. Harpstrings entered with her horn lit up. "Freeze, Dr. Nopony!"

Dr. Nopony was a human woman, which was why she was called Dr. Nopony, because she wasn't a pony. She had pale white skin and long, luxuriant locks of shining indigo mane, or rather, what humans call hair, and she was wearing an extremely fashionable dress. She was sitting in a chair, petting her white, fluffy cat. "Lyra Harpstrings. How good of you to come visit," she said.

And then Dick Longo put an antimagic ring on Harpstring's horn.

"What—" Harpstring heard many clicking sounds as the faceless thugs all over the control room pointed their guns at her, and she was helpless, unable to stop them without her magic. "NO! Dick, you traitor!"

"I'm not a traitor, I'm a spy," Dick said. "Your organization thought they could turn me, but my loyalty was really always to Dr. Nopony." He went over to the villain and kissed her in a passionate clinch, pressing her tall, beautiful body against his firm, strong torso. Harpstrings felt a surge of hatred and jealousy. Why did mares women like that get all the hot guys?

"You see, Harpstrings?" Dr. Nopony giggled. "A little pony like you could never be good enough for a real man like my Dick, here. I can always count on my Dick to stand up for me whenever I need him." She kissed him again. "I'd kill you right this moment, but first I want to make you watch me enjoying my Dick. And then I'm going to set off the reactor in front of you and destroy all of this big human city we're in!"

"You monster!" Harpstrings said. "You'll never get away with this!"

"On the contrary, my dear, I already have," Nopony said, smirking. "Now watch me making kissyface with the man you wanted, and try not to let it get you too hot under the collar... or anywhere else." She chuckled and turned back to Dick.

Harpstrings noticed that the soldiers holding their guns on her were actually all staring at Nopony and Dick Longo kissing, and not really looking at her. With a small stomp of her hoof, she activated another W invention – an inflatable hand, just like a human one, attached to her hoof like a sock. As soon as the hand had inflated, she reached up and easily plucked the ring off her horn with it.

"Hey, Nopony!" Harpstrings shouted. "I hear you're feeling horny. Well, so am I!"

Nopony turned, and gasped, seeing that Harpstrings' anti-magic ring was off. "Noooo!"

As Harpstrings fired a bolt of laser-like magic at Nopony, Dick Longo jumped in the way, protecting his boss... with his life. The bolt burned right through his heart.

"Well, he was a Dick, but his heart was in the right place," Harpstrings quipped. "Right in front of my magic."

"You'll never stop the reactor meltdown now!" Dr. Nopony cackled. Harpstrings looked up just in time to see her getting away on a gyrocopter she was pedaling rapidly. Harpstrings fired at her, but the gyrocopter was spinning wildly, so her bolts just kept hitting the structural supports. Within moments, Dr. Nopony was gone.

Harpstrings quickly killed all the goons in the room and trotted to the control panel. Reactor meltdown was imminent! There was only one thing to do. She pulled her final W invention out of her saddlebag – a magical crystal containing a miniature black hole – and tossed it into the reactor, where the radiation activated the crystal. Soon the entire reactor started to be pulled into the black hole. Harpstrings raced back the way she came, only blasting down doors with her horn instead of trying to stealthily slip through them, this time.

As soon as she got out, the entire building was sucked with a shooop into the crystal. Rock Hardt, who by now had lost most of his clothes to random gunfire that had just ripped his clothing but hadn't actually hit him personally and was covered with sweat, ran over to her. "Lyra! You made it!"

"Of course I did," Harpstrings said, embracing him tightly. "After all—"


Bon Bon put the papers down. Eagerly, her roommate Lyra Heartstrings asked, "What did you think? It's not quite done, I still have to add the sex scene at the end—"

"Sex scene?"

"Don't worry, it'll be tasteful."

"It's between a mare and a mythological alien monster, how's that ever going to be tasteful?"

"Okay, fine, but setting aside the sex scene I haven't written yet, what did you think?"

"This is the most unbearably trite and unrealistic portrayal of a secret agent I've ever seen." Bon Bon dropped the papers on the couch, hard.

Lyra pouted. "Oh, like you would know what being a secret agent is like?"

For some reason Bon Bon sweatdropped. "Uh... no! No, of course I don't know what being a secret agent is really like, not at all! It's not like I'm a secret agent myself or something, haha, that would be ridiculous!" She took a deep breath. "It's just that this story is garbage, Lyra. I mean, this is the most transparent self-insert ever."

"It is not! See, her name is Harpstrings. Harp-strings. And my name is Heartstrings. Totally different!"

Bon Bon facehooved. "You know what... fine. It's great. Publish it all over Equestria. If Fifty Shades of Neigh can sell well, maybe you can sell this too."

"Yay! I knew you'd love it."

*fwwwt*