"Yo-Your R-Royal Highness?"
Celestia turned to face the intruder, and got a ping pong ball to the side of her face for the effort. She momentarily turned to show Luna the universal I'll deal with you later face, which was a glower mixed with the touches of a smile that hinted at retribution. Then she turned back to the shaking maroon pony who had tried his best to sink into the floor.
"Yes, Threads?" She tried to put on a smile, knowing he would appreciate it. At least he stopped shaking quite so hard, but he still descended, his legs spreading further apart on the immaculately polished marble. He couldn't even look her in the eye.
"Uhhhh."
"Yes, Threads?" This time she spoke with a greater authority.
"Your rug wants to speak with you," he whispered softly.
As he said this, Celestia saw two guardsman approach from the end of the corridor. With the doors to the recreation room wide open, they soon spotted her too, and walked forward, balancing the offending rug on their backs. It was a lovely rug, with thick, tall pile rising all around. A dark blue abrash covered the majority of it, with a large golden medallion in the centre that had the waving lines of the sun emanating from it. Red strips flanked the black border, and the fringes were long and thickly tassled.
It had been a gift to her from Saddle Arabia very early on in her reign, and Starswirl had put a spell on it so that its beauty would never degrade. Unfortunately, old magic like that only seemed to last for about one thousand years, much like Luna’s banishment and Discord’s imprisonment in stone. So for the past century or so the rug had been slowly wearing away as moths decided the woollen pile was a nice evening meal.
From where she stood, it certainly didn't appear to be speaking, and nor had it spoke in the thousand or so years she had had it. She supposed it was probably something to do with Threads' arrival. She couldn't imagine any rug being contented with replacement.
"Put me down at once, foolish pony henchmen!" came the disembodied shout as soon as the guardsmen entered the room. Celestia raised an eyebrow. It was indeed speaking. How odd. Well, as it was a member of her kingdom, she tried to extend it the...most appropriate greeting.
"How shall I address you?" she said to the rug as it was slowly lowered to the ground. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw Luna snigger. Perhaps this was her sister's doing.
"I am Lord Rug." The voice was course and low, and filled with the sort of self-importance that eventually led to being kicked down the stairs. It certainly had more personality than any talking rug Celestia had met before.
“And what do you want?” she asked politely, trying to ignore the red swelling on her cheek from where the ping pong ball had struck.
Lord Rug continued speaking, his tone rising throughout his speech.
"For too long, us rugs have been walked over by you ponies!" Celestia crawled her eyebrow ever further up her forehead. "But no longer! For a thousand years, I have been sitting quietly in your room, being nothing more than an artful decoration! You never suspected I was a spy for the Rugs United Group! You even tried have sent this rather attractively coloured pony to replace us, but it is far too late for that!" At his mention, Threads collapsed on the floor, his legs finally giving way. Lord Rug continued, "We have gained an intimate knowledge of your plans, and now, we are ready to strike! This time tomorrow, the sun will rise on the glorious Reign of Rugs!"
He cackled, which is a rather odd noise to hear coming from two inches off the floor. Celestia could see that Luna was barely containing her laughter, the princess' usually navy face now lit up a deep purple. Celestia though had centuries of practice remaining deadpan, so she kept her mouth level as she spoke.
"No it won't," she said matter-of-factly.
The rug spluttered in indignation, "What won't? We won't defeat you, is that it? I assure you dear Princess, your dethroning is nigh! Our operatives, who have been trained in over twelve different weaves at the Rugs United Group headquarters, are already in their positions, awaiting the order to strike! Decisive victory will be ours!"
"I do not doubt your operative's abilities, Lord Rug. Surely my time as ruler of Equestria has come to an end." Celestia, one of Equestria's most accomplished actors, looked resigned to her fate, with head held low and voice sunken. Then, she looked up with a glint in her eye. "However if you strip me of my royal duties, the sun will not rise on you glorious reign. How can it when I can no longer lift it?"
"And nor will my moon, Lord Rug," chimed in Luna, her voice changing pitch however much she desperately tried to level it, "You will be purveyor of a kingdom trapped in eternal twilight!"
"No!" cried Celestia, "For Princess Twilight will no longer be in power either! Your Reign of Rugs will cease to happen, for there is no time of day left that you have not destroyed!"
Luna, now fully in the swing of it, adopted the Royal Canterlot Voice. She lifted into the air, and rolled back her eyes until only the whites were showing. The lighting dimmed, until Luna's figure was dark and foreboding. "Anon thou truly understandeth the impacts of this grievous decision thou undertaketh! Thy kingdom, timeless and broken! The travelling lamp's light will cease to shineth in the sky! Thither will cometh food shortages and famines until eventually all that is left art blasted plains of snow! Thou will driveth all of Equestria backeth to whence it came! Is this what thou truly desireth, creature?"
Lord Rug was very quiet for some time. Then he gave out a sort of low chuckle. The chuckle turned into a snorting giggle. Then the rug laughed.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I do not wish to disrespect you when your end is so close, but surely your pony mothers told you the stories? You cannot seriously believe that it is you who rolls the Celestial Carpets across the sky! No, with rugs rightful rulers, the Sun and Moon will continue to rise and fall! They are the epitome of rug evolution, the ultimate form of rug! And soon, once I have fulfilled my place in the universe and ascend to the throne, I will join them up there!”
Luna floated back down to the ground. Celestia rubbed a hoof slowly across the ground, like a filly scolded.
“Well then,” she said in a defeated voice, devoid of any emotion except the deepest sadness. From the corner of her eye, a tear fell. It had taken her years to perfect that particular skill. “What about the time we shared together? Does that mean nothing to you now?”
“Ha! You thought I was just an ordinary rug! You would foolishly spout your plans to me - plans you would never admit to even the most trusted general! You told me your biggest weaknesses! And now I will use those very weaknesses against you!”
Celestia stayed quiet. She closed her eyes and let another tear fall. She hoped her experience with egotistical ponies extended to carpets as well. She just had to let him speak.
Lord Rug cackled again, and Celestia imagined him rubbing invisible hands together. “I overheard your biggest fears, and your greatest secrets! I know everything about you, more than anyrug on the whole of Equestrug! You came to me when you were scorned by a lover! You cried over me when Luna was banished! I remember everything that you did! You came to me in your darkest days! You… you came to me in your darkest days. You trusted me with your secrets, trusted me to support you as you cried. You trusted me with plans you would never give to your most trusted general. You trusted I would not use your weaknesses against you. You told me your inmost feelings, feelings you would never admit to to anyone else…”
Lord Rug’s voice trailed off. He seemed to have lost the words. Seconds ticked by. All that could be heard was Luna trying to regain her breath.
“My name’s Rupert Underwood-Green. I suppose… I suppose I have to thank you now.”
“We’ll forget the formalities,” Celestia said, “It’s been nice to meet you, Rupert. Where would you like to go now?”
“I think,” he said, “I’d like to stay in your room, if that’s alright. It’s nice to have someone trust you more than anything else in the world.”
She smiled, “Yes it is.” She motioned to the guards. They commenced rolling up the lovely rug.
Later that day, Luna and Celestia were having afternoon tea on the terrace. The sun had found a place in the sky where red and orange beams shone out across the whole land. Celestia raised her teacup using her magic, sipping the hot tea.
“It’s a bit of a shame, really,” commented Luna at her side. “I would have been interested to see what a rug dictatorship actually did.”
Celestia lowered the cup. “Probably just lay about, I’m guessing.”
Luna smiled. A gentle breeze had come up, brushing across their faces as they stared out over all of Equestria.
Luna looked across at Celestia’s profile, and her smile widened. “You had better take that extra blusher off before we go to the meeting. It’s far more than your other cheek. Makes your face look all lopsided.”
Celestia said nothing about her bruise, and instead a hail of ping pong balls rained down on top of Luna. She lowered her ears and ducked, using her teacup to deflect the balls from her head.
“I’m sure the Royals United Group won’t mind,” Celestia said, ignoring the white balls that kept falling from the sky. Shortly, the downpour stopped and Celestia took a sip of her tea, eyeing Luna out of the corner of her eye. Luna raised her cup to her lips, and tried to drink. There was a small sucking noise.
Luna lifted her muzzle and coughed, ejecting a ping pong ball that flew off the edge of the terrace and down the side of the cliff.
“You really ought to take smaller sips, sister,” jested Celestia. Luna frowned and examined the cup, no doubt to try and find out why the ball hadn’t floated to the surface of her cup.
“Oh, go laugh with your rug.”
“Perhaps I will. You know, I took a bit of a gamble letting him speak so long,” Celestia said, mostly to herself as Luna poured herself another cup of tea.
“When he started speaking about secrets and lovers, I was rather afraid he might mention that gardener.”
Luna had rather foolishly taken another large swig, so in her surprise, she accidentally sent a mouthful of hot tea down the cliff to follow the ping pong ball.
Celestia chuckled.