Chapter Four: A Night To Remember
Fancy Pants stepped across the threshold of the brilliant yellow building and surveyed the damage. Shards from shattered windows glittered on the floor in the morning sun, casting a fractal pattern on the ceiling. The door hung, splintered, from one hinge. A broken china cabinet lay on its side just a few feet from the entrance, scrape marks on the floor suggesting it had been pushed up against the door to barricade it.
Royal Guards moved through the wreckage, assisted by ponies in white coats, similar to those Luna’s researchers wore in their secret labs. A large swath of floor had been cleared to make way for a table covered in crates and bags of evidence. Behind this table stood Shining Armor, resplendent in his finest armor, conversing quietly with a pair of bespectacled earth ponies. It was clear by the look on Shining’s face that he was receiving bad news. Fancy Pants cleared his throat as he approached, and the Captain of the Guard turned towards him, dismissing the two with a wave of his hoof.
“Three safe houses with connections to Snake Eyes raided, and we still have no connection to Ironsides, his employers, or our shape-changing assassin.” Shining exhaled sharply through his nose. “We’re getting nowhere on our end, Fance. I hope Princess Luna is having more luck.”
“Her Majesty will find something, of that I have no doubt.” Fancy Pants cocked his head to the side, eyeing his friend up and down. Despite the stallion’s disciplined stance and glimmering armor, the agent could see dark marks under his eyes. “Are you all right, Shining?”
The captain nodded wearily. “I’m just a bit tired.” Lowering his voice, he drew close to Fancy Pants, so his breath tickled the agent’s cheek. “We’ve moved Cadence to a secure location. I was up all night coordinating the transport.”
Fancy Pants nodded. “She’ll be safe, Shining. We’ll have her back in time for your anniversary.” He turned away, speaking in a louder voice as he headed for the door. “I have to meet with the Princess to discuss her guest. Best of luck, Captain.”
“Fance.” A note in Shining Armor’s voice made the agent stop on the threshold, half turning to look at his friend. The Captain locked eyes with him, his voice deadly serious. “You get these guys, brother.”
Fancy Pants nodded, turned, and disappeared through the door.
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The bell above the aged wooden door leading into Gypsy Champagne’s antique shop tinkled softly as Fancy Pants entered, politely greeted the proprietor, a middle-aged unicorn with burnt auburn fur and black mane, a crystal ball displayed on her flank. The dusty window at the front filtered the morning sun that made the interior of the shop seem closer to dusk than dawn; tiny particles danced in the warm glow. Near the back of the store, past the ships in bottles and inaccurate globes of Equis, a rickety old three-legged chair was propped awkwardly against the wall, its chipped russet finish peeling in a dozen places. Fancy Pants carefully lowered his haunches onto the chair and gently brushed the cloudy surface of a nearby snow globe depicting a miniature version of the Summer Sun Celebration. With a soft creak, the chair tipped backwards, and Fancy Pants felt his stomach turn as he was drawn through its back, through the wall behind, and into a dimly lit tunnel. The wall that now stood before him rippled slightly in the wake of his passage, disturbed, then returned to rigid stillness.
Fancy Pants trotted down the hall, his hooffalls echoing off the stone, until he rounded a bend and emerged into a low, rectangular room Celestia couldn’t have stood up straight in. The walls were lit from below with an ethereal blue radiance, like moonlight reflecting off snow. Luna sat on her haunches in the center of the room. In front of her was a transparent cylinder of glass, tall enough to touch the ceiling, and inside, hanging upside down in midair, was the assassin who had attacked Rarity, now unmasked. Its skin was a glossy black, and seemingly random bits of its legs were missing. A twisted mockery of a unicorn horn jutted from its forehead, and gossamer wings, wrapped around its torso, protruded from its back. Fangs hung from its upper jaw, and its large eyes were closed. It twitched slightly where it hung, in a deep sleep.
The Princess’s eyes were blazing ivory, and she sat rigid, staring ahead, until the creature jerked violently once. She blinked, and when she looked at Fancy Pants they had returned to their usual blue. Her lips turned up in a smile.
“I take it the interrogation went well, your Majesty?” Fancy Pants asked, daring to let a bit of hope creep into his voice.
“Our senescent guest proved quite resilient to traditional methods of questioning.” Luna tossed her head, her starry mane flying out behind her as she stretched her neck. “However, none can hide from me what they see in dreams. Through its connection to its queen, I begin to understand the machinations of our enemy.”
“So it was Chrysalis who ordered the assassination?” Fancy Pants stepped forward, feeling his heart quicken. They were close now; he could feel it.
“Indeed, though it is not clear if she operated alone in this or has recruited other allies. Clearly your friend Ironsides is no changeling. Nevertheless, we know she means to strike against Rarity again before she leaves Canterlot. Her fixation on the unicorn is strange, relentless.” The Princess searched her top agent’s face, eyes bright. “We have a target now. Give me a day to formulate a strategy, and once Rarity is safely away, we shall strike back. Until then, protect her – I sense the queen and her agents are becoming more desperate.”
Fancy Pants’ brow furrowed. “Princess, if they are so desperate to dispose of this element, why not strike against her in Ponyville? Our reach there is limited, security is nearly nonexistent. It seems a waste of resources to try to kill her here.”
“I am uncertain.” Luna seemed troubled as well. “Regardless, we now know her identity. She hath tipped her hand, and we must take advantage of this. Be wary, my friend.”
Her eyes met his, triggering the now familiar jarring twist in his gut. In that instant the fatigue, fear, and uncertainty of the last few days coalesced and merged with the sensation. Almost immediately it became too much to bear; Fancy Pants tore his gaze away, trying to hide the sudden tears that sprang, unbidden, to his eyes.
Every moment in his life was subterfuge, every look, word, and thought hemmed in secrecy and bound with the fate of his country. Heat filled his chest, and his breath came in quivering, uneven gasps.
A warm flank brushed against his side. He kept his eyes screwed shut, face turned away from his princess, barely daring to breathe lest his agony spring fourth through his parted jaws. Luna didn’t speak, but hooked a wing over his barrel, drawing him close to her. She pressed her brow against his, their horns clinking softly together.
Fancy Pants’ heartbeat gradually slowed; the noose around his chest loosening. He steadied himself, drawing a long, shuddering breath and a hoof across his face. Luna gently nuzzled his neck and released him. He tarried beside her a long moment, then slowly walked to the doorway. When he turned, his face was an impassive mask again; the most important pony in Canterlot was back.
“I will.”
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A doleful melody spilled fourth from the band onstage, adding Canterlot high society’s particular flavor of self-importance to the festivities of the Canterlot Garden Party. Fancy Pants’ arrival was greeted with the usual pomp and circumstance. Throughout the airy conversations and idle banter, the Night Agent kept his eyes on Rarity, barely visible through the ballroom windows just north of the gardens. She and her five friends were having a significantly more lively evening, complete with chocolate cake and a line dance. Presently, the fashionista quietly detached from the line and wafted gracefully through the garden arch, wearing a soft, flowing yellow sun dress and a wide-brimmed hat.
“I’m here!” She announced. Upper Crust approached, and Fancy Pants excused himself from his current conversation and swooped nonchalantly in to conveniently rescue her.
“Darling, I’m so glad you made it.” Upper Crust’s easy smile did not reach her eyes as she evaluated her newest guest, but in a moment Fancy Pants was upon them.
The agent puffed out his chest and raised his head, looking down as magnanimously as he could manage. “Rarity! So happy to see you here!”
“I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.”
Fancy Pants was about to reply when a sweet, sugary scent caught his nose, and he sniffed sharply, caught off guard. “I say, what is that scent you’re wearing?” As he spoke, he remembered the food fight he had witnessed earlier, but he was committed now, and had to follow through. “It smells like,” he sniffed again for emphasis, “is that… cake frosting?”
Rarity’s pupils contracted, but only for a moment. “Yes, I always dab a little frosting behind my ears before I go out,” she said, a little too quickly, following it with a nervous giggle. “After all, who doesn’t like the smell of cake frosting?”
Fancy Pants only let the silence hang for a split second. “I know I do.” Upper Crust, who had been watching him closely, closed her eyes and nodded sagely behind him, as though she had independently come to the same conclusion. Rarity allowed herself a tiny sigh of relief.
“Well, all this talk about cake is making me hungry. I think I’ll go see what’s on the hors d’oeuvres table. If you’ll excuse me,” and in a flash, she was gone.
“I must say, you do look like a properly ravishing hostess this evening, Upper Crust,” Fancy Pants smiled, stealthily tracking Rarity’s progress through the party to the moment she darted back into the ballroom.
As the evening rolled on, Rarity dashed back and forth between the two parties, coming up with ridiculous excuses to leave every few minutes, each time looking more and more haggard. Fancy Pants had little time to concern himself with his charge’s condition, however; someone else was taking a keen interest in Rarity’s movements. A brown earth pony with a curly blond mane had abandoned his conversation and slipped away to lurk in the hedge between the two parties, just as Rarity’s tale disappeared around the corner, he hunkered down and Fancy Pants caught a glint of metal in the light spilling from the tall windows.
The assassin was so focused on his target’s location he neglected to check his flank at the proper interval, and Fancy Pants closed on him with practiced swiftness. Clearing his throat politely, he whispered, “Excuse me, old chum,” and ducked as the earth pony spun around, swiping at him with a dagger clutched in his teeth. Fancy Pants thrust his head upward, slamming the base of his horn into the assassin’s lower jaw. The earth pony’s front hooves were lifted off the ground, his teeth crunching against the hilt of the blade, and Fancy Pants’ own front legs swiped his opponent’s back legs up at the knees. The Night Agent reared up, forcing the brown stallion’s head back and lifting him bodily into the air before dropping his full weight on his enemy, who introduced the ground to the back of his skull and was instantly knocked unconscious. Fancy Pants had only moments to magically heft the vanquished into the thick hedge beside him, send up the beacon to alert Luna of the assassin’s location, and then dive sideways into the bushes himself before Rarity came tearing past once again, a blur of white, purple, and yellow.
It wasn’t long before Rarity’s friends caught on to the little game she was playing. After a brief conversation and an embrace, the unicorn started back out to the garden, but was overtaken moments later by her friends, who spilled out of the doors and immediately caused a violent stir among the elite. Much to everyone’s shock, a pink mare with a wild mane wheeled a cannon onto the grounds that fired confetti and party favors. Croquet mallets soared through the air. Birdseed rained down on irate socialites. An orange mare with a blonde mane began ripping up weeds from the edge of the green, addressing the crowd of horrified onlookers, her hooves caked with dirt, her Stetson hat akimbo. “How come y’all aren’t doin’ any gardening? This is a garden party, isn’t it?” A purple unicorn wearing a simple cream slip with a pink ribbon draped across it danced energetically next to a phonograph she had hauled out onto the lawn.
Rarity threw back a tall glass of punch without taking a breath. Fancy Pants was close enough to hear Jet Set mutter to her, “Can you believe what that pony is wearing?”
“It’s just so plain,” Upper Crust chimed in. Rarity chuckled nervously, speaking so quietly Fancy Pants couldn’t make out her response.
For some reason, Fancy Pants felt his heart burn for Rarity’s anxiety. Setting his teeth, he strode forward towards the lavender unicorn, determined to set this right. “Excuse me,” he asked politely, “might I ask where you got your ensemble?” He held out his monocle, making a show of inspecting the dress.
“Why yes, yes you may,” responded the mare graciously, “a very, very close friend of mine from Ponyville made it for me.” Across the lawn, Rarity spewed punch all over Jet Set and Upper Crust, and Fancy Pants had to clench his jaw to keep from snickering.
“Ponyville? You don’t say.” Fancy Pants allowed a note of distaste to creep into his voice; the socialites around him were hanging on every syllable, and he wanted to eviscerate their social sensibilities, one and all.
“I do say,” the mare continued, apparently oblivious to Fancy Pants’ tone, “her name is-“
“Fancy Pants!” Rarity blurted, “Come with me! I’d like to show you this, uh,” she glanced around frantically for inspiration, and, finding none, “thing, that’s over there, on the other side of the room!”
“In a moment, my dear.” Fancy Pants gestured to the other pony, “This lovely filly from Ponyville was just about to tell me who made her charming dress.”
“Oh, that dress? Oh, come now, who cares, it’s just a plain old-“
The Ponyville unicorn interjected, voice full of warmth, “Oh, don’t be so modest. This dress you made is beautiful.” Her pronouncement was met with gasps of shock and the tinkling of broken glass.
“We all think so.” As she spoke, the other Ponyville mares congregated around her, smiling warmly at their friend.
Fancy Pants turned to Rarity, feigning curiosity. “You know these ponies?” The murmuring intensified. Sensing something amiss, Rarity’s friends faces fell as she turned away from them and walked toward the collected socialites, who now stood far enough away to avoid contamination by the commoners. She drew herself up, speaking with sudden conviction.
“Yes. Yes, I do know them.” She spoke over the renewed gasps, her voice losing none of its strength. “They may not be as sophisticated as some of you Canterlot ponies, but they are my best friends,” she turned back to the subjects of her monologue, beaming at them, “and they are, without a doubt, the most important ponies I know.”
“Important ponies? These ruffians?” Jet Set drawled, a smug grin on his face.
“Don’t make me laugh!” Upper Crust let out her tittering giggle, accompanied by her husband in a crescendo of disdain. Fancy Pants turned towards them, letting the pleasure he was feeling inside radiate outward as he delivered his coup de grace.
“I, for one, find them charmingly rustic.” The laughter died abruptly, replaced by wide-eyed silence as the two were cut down to size in front of their peers.
“And I think the dress you made for your friend is lovely,” Fancy Pants continued, with a chuckle, “I daresay every mare in Canterlot will be wanting one.”
Recovering as quickly as she could, Upper Crust thrust her face at Rarity, “Oh, I’d like to place my order right now!”
From Rarity’s other shoulder, Jet Set piped up, “I think you should get two!” Rarity stepped out from between them, causing their heads to bonk together.
“Eh, yes, now then,” Fancy Pants triumphantly turned back to Rarity, “how about you introduce me to your friends?”
“With pleasure.” Rarity was beaming once more. She indicated the ponies from left to right, identifying them as Pinkie Pie (face smeared in cake), Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle (Celestia’s student, Fancy Pants now recalled), Fluttershy, and Applejack (mud still clinging to her hooves). Fancy Pants greeted each of them, remarking how wonderful it was to meet them. In the wake of the introductions, Jet Set, Upper Crust, and their peers were practically falling over each other to introduce themselves to the five.
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As the night wound down, with many of the Canterlot elite dancing a line with their new idols from Ponyville, Rarity and Fancy Pants had a moment alone under the party tree, away from the festivities for a moment.
“Thank you, Fancy Pants,” Rarity spoke quietly, in almost a whisper, “for what you did tonight.”
“Why, whatever do you mean, my dear?”
“I think we both know what I mean.”
Fancy Pants turned to face her, lowering his voice as well. “Any gift, given with love, is a beautiful gesture, be it extravagant or simple. That’s why I think your friends are the best ponies at this party tonight. In Canterlot, we pay so much attention to the material extravagance of our lodgings, our gifts, our parties,” he waved his hoof to indicate his surroundings, “that we often neglect and forget the things that matter. You’ve reminded me, at least,” he murmured, looking up at the tower where he could see Luna, perched on her balcony, her mane flowing in the night breeze, “what’s truly important in this life.”
He glanced back at Rarity and found her looking at him, curiosity furrowing her brow. “Come, my dear,” he said briskly, “let us rejoin the festivities. The night is yet young.” As they returned to the party, Fancy Pants looked up again, but Luna had vanished from her perch.
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After escorting Rarity and her friends back to the tower room and posting the appropriate guards outside, it was nearly 5 AM. Rarity would return to Ponyville in the morning, presumably removed from harm’s way once home. The Night Agent trotted toward Luna’s tower, taking the steps two at a time on the way up. He was anxious for this assignment to end, so he could take the offensive against his Princess’s enemies. Before he could raise a hoof to knock, the door swung open, handle illuminated in Luna’s magical aura.
As the door closed, the Princess herself emerged from the shadows cast by the brilliant moon, the light playing beautifully across her dark coat, highlighting every dip and curve of her figure. Words failed Fancy Pants as she approached him, stopping a yard or so away, eyes locked on his. The silence between them was deep and unfathomable as the night.
It seemed ages before Luna’s voice swept away the quiet. “Well done this evening, my friend. Your would-be assassin was, in fact, a pony.”
“Not a changeling?” Fancy Pants’ eyes never left Luna’s, and to say his mind was entirely on the business at hand would be the blackest of lies.
“Indeed not. His name is Gala Apple, a recruit from Las Pegasus. He is a member of the Apple family, though he has cut ties with them in the name of his new profession. Apparently he worked his way into Canterlot society even before I was released from my prison.”
It took Fancy Pants a moment to process this. “He’s been a sleeper agent for more than two years? This has dire implications as to the breadth of our enemy’s plans.” Fancy Pants furrowed his brow in thought. “I suppose a changeling would be inadequate for such a long term operation, its feeding needs would preclude such a placement. You were right, your Highness, their desperation is mounting if they would risk such an asset.”
“Alas, this revelation brings more doubt than hope,” Luna turned away at least, tearing their gazes apart and leaving an ache in Fancy Pants’ soul. “If such an asset could exist in our own city, right under our noses, where else might such ne‘er-do-wells be lurking? What levels of government, of society have been compromised? Can we trust those we send to investigate?” She sighed, frustration and fatigue pouring from her. “We face a beast with many tentacles – sever one, and another replaces it. I fear this will not end even with Rarity’s safe return to Ponyville.”
Luna stood gazing out the enormous window, down at the now dim lights of Canterlot. Fancy Pants came to stand beside her. Luna spoke again, her voice soft, the tiniest quaver running through it. “Your words to Rarity this evening, about what is important in this life… what did you mean?”
Fancy Pants confusion was brief; of course she knew what he had said, what else had she been doing on the balcony? The words caught in his throat, he had to cough to clear it. “What we do – what I do – is an uncertain business. Only this week I’ve faced death a half dozen times. In our – my line of work, we haven’t the luxury of many friends, or loves.” The last word nearly died on his tongue, and he swallowed. “Those closest to anypony are vital in their lives; doubly so for a pony such as myself.” He turned his head towards Luna, and found her, once again, much closer than he expected, her breath tickled his mustache and he found his heart pounding once more.
His knees shook. It was all he could do to still them. The moonlight bathed Luna’s midnight blue coat in silver, shimmering softly with each breath she took. Her eyes roved across him, taking in every inch, something in them savage and feral, accented by her slightly bared teeth. Their eyes locked again, and something primal moved inside the Night Agent. He picked up one hoof, but before he placed it down, Luna broke their gaze once again. “No,” she whispered, “no, I cannot.” Her voice was tight, controlled, and barely audible. When she spoke again, it was with cool, regal authority. “Return to your quarters, my friend. We have an early morning to attend to.”
Fancy Pants turned, glancing back at the immobile alicorn princess before stepping through the door. He didn’t see the tears that stained her hidden face, glistening like strings of pearl in the dying light.
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It was almost ten when the carriage pulled away from the castle. Shining Armor stood on the battlements above the gate, watching its progress, slowed by the tremendous stack of luggage teetering precariously on its rear fender. Presently, Fancypants joined him, the two watching in silence for a moment.
“Not going with to the train station?”
Fancy Pants sighed. “No. Princess Celestia herself is accompanying our guest, my presence would be conspicuous and off-putting to her majesty.”
Shining allowed himself a small smile. “It’s not you the Princess doesn’t like.”
“Of course not.” Fancy Pants turned to his friend. “SA, could you offer a bit of friendly advice?”
Shining looked sharply at his friend, his voice betraying mischief. “Fancy Pants, the most important pony in Canterlot, is asking help from little old me?”
Fancy Pants was silent for a moment, letting the quip go unanswered. The levity slipped away as Shining Armor said, “Uh-oh. That’s not a good look on you, Fance. This must be big.”
Fancy Pants waved a hoof dismissively. “No, no, it’s not a big deal, it’s just… unfamiliar territory,” he finished lamely, his hoof clicking against the stone.
“A lady?” Shining Armor postulated, eyebrows raised. Fancy Pants considered aborting the conversation and walking away, but after a moment he nodded reluctantly. “In the few times we’ve seen each other lately, you’ve never mentioned a marefriend. Who is she?”
“We are not currently in a relationship, nor are we engaged in any sort of courting behavior.” Fancy Pants could feel his cheeks getting hot beneath his white fur. When Shining didn’t respond, he plowed on quickly. “Last night, we had a strange moment, and things ended awkwardly.”
“I think I know who you’re talking about.”
Fancy Pants was brought up short. “Do you? Am I so obvious?”
Shining shrugged. “You have been spending a lot of time with her lately. All right,” the guard captain sat back on his haunches, “what can tell you?”
There was a pregnant pause. “I don’t really know.” The stallion brought a hoof to his chin. “I’m not even sure it’s a matter of reciprocity. Being involved in work means a certain separation of personal and public interests.”
“Fance, that’s a load of horse dung.”
“I am not at liberty to pursue such relationships. I have responsibilities and a public persona to maintain, and cannot afford-“
“Buck that.” Shining Armor stamped a hoof for emphasis, silencing Fancy Pants’ argument. “Cadence and I both have responsibilities, but that never kept us apart. You, my friend, are afraid of getting hurt. I understand, it’s frightening to bare your soul to another pony, but that fear is holding you back. You deserve to have what I have. So stop hiding behind your rank and titles, and go get that girl!”
Fancy Pants opened his mouth to object, closed it, opened it again, and was interrupted by the arrival of a winded gray unicorn dressed in a porter’s outfit. Shining examined the porter as he climbed the steps to the battlement, calling out to him as he approached, huffing and puffing. “Are you all right, citizen?” He put a bit of pomp into the last word, winking at Fancy Pants.
The porter gasped as he reached the top step, gesturing with a hoof to the servant’s tower. “Need to… lie down… so many bags…” Both unicorns watched the spindly unicorn double over with a mixture of sympathy and amusement. “Don’t know… how that cab driver… lifted them all… biggest… earth pony… I’ve ever seen.”
Shining chuckled, casting a look at Fancy Pants, only to find him ashen-faced. Fancy Pants reached out, placing a heavy hoof on the porter’s shoulder, his voice low and urgent.
“This cab driver – describe him to me.”
The porter wheezed thoughtfully. “He was… big… huge, really… with a gray coat… and an orange mane…”
Fancy Pants leapt over the crouched porter, thundering down the stairs. Shining called, “Fancy Pants, what’s going on?”
“Send every available guard to the train station!” The Night Agent was already galloping through the open castle gates.
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Fancy Pants galloped down the cobbled road towards the train station, breathing hard but evenly. Even as he rounded the final corner onto Vanner Street he saw the engine pulling away from the platform. Gritting his teeth, he changed course, aiming for the looming watchtower that stood vigil over the station.
Shouldering the door aside barely reduced his momentum, and a guardspony leapt aside with a cry, narrowly avoiding being bowled over. Hooves skidding on the stone floor, Fancy Pants slid into the corridor leading to the tower’s spiral staircase. Two pegasus guards barred the way, their wings flaring wide as he rushed them.
“Halt!” When Fancy Pants didn’t stop running, the guards dropped into combat stances. The guard on the right turned 180 degrees and raised his hind legs to buck the unicorn. Fancy Pants, not slowing down, dropped onto his flank and slid beneath the kick, thrusting all four of his hooves into the guard’s armored barrel. His own torso crashed into the pegasus’s front limbs, and as the guard lost balance, Fancy Pants threw him towards his comrade. The two of them collapsed in a tangle of legs and wings as the Night Agent righted himself and bolted up the stairs. “Terribly sorry, chaps, no time to explain!” He called over his shoulder.
Fancy Pants burst into the light at the top, locating the train in milliseconds. It was gaining speed, heading away from Canterlot and toward Ponyville. Ignoring the shout from the guard behind him, the Agent galloped to the battlement and leapt from it, plunging towards the grass some sixty feet below. The unicorn tucked his forelegs tight against his barrel, threading his golden cufflinks into the loops on the flanks of his tuxedo. Taking a deep breath, he counted to two and ex-tended his legs abruptly.
The membranous wings that extended from his front fetlocks back to his haunches immediately changed the trajectory of his fall. Fancy Pants dropped his right leg slightly, lining up with the caboose. The engine was just entering a tunnel that would take it out into the Equestrian wilderness.
Something whizzed past Fancy Pants’ left ear, and he turned his head to see three pegasi, garbed in the armor of the Royal Guard pursuing him. The leader was reaching back to retrieve a sec-ond javelin from the sheath on his back, while the other two had flared their wings to stabilize enough to throw their projectiles.
Fancy Pants let loose with two blasts from his horn, knocking the spears from the air as they lanced towards him. Because of the angle, he couldn’t get a clear shot with his magic at the pegasi themselves without knocking himself off course. Too much evasive maneuvering would turn him into an unpleasant stain on the mountainside ahead. The caboose passed into the tunnel. Fancy Pants glanced back to check his pursuit in time to see the first Pegasus’s face fill his vision.
The guard slammed into the Night Agent, locking his forelegs around Fancy Pants’ neck. The two tumbled off course, now heading towards the rock face, but the Pegasus flapped furiously to arrest their forward momentum.
“Soldier, stand down!” Fancy Pants rasped. “Azure Level Command Ignus Seven!”
The guard didn’t respond. Fancy Pants looked ahead to see the wall approaching, and made a decision. If this Pegasus didn’t recognize the Night Agent’s emergency callout, he was either a raw recruit or an impostor. Fancy Pants whipped his head back, bashing the Pegasus in the face, then punched his hooves into the guard’s elbows. They rolled in midair so Fancy Pants was on top as he freed himself, cracking a hoof across his opponent’s jaw. A blast of magic immobilized the guard’s left wing as the agent kicked off the armored chest and spread his artificial wings. He barely had time to catch wind in the sails and correct into the tunnel, the stone frame ruffling his fur. From behind, muted by the howling wind, came a solid, wet thud.
Fancy Pants was now only about ten feet above the rails, and the uneven wind blowing through the tunnel was hindering his ability to maneuver. Looking back, he saw that the other two pegasi were still pursuing him, and gaining rapidly. Fortunately, they seemed to have abandoned their javelins, probably for the same reason Fancy Pants was having trouble maintaining a straight line. They dove towards him, wings tucked tight against their bodies now, only extending the tips for course correction. As the nearest one closed, forelegs extended, Fancy Pants turned clumsily in midair, furling the suit’s wings, and grabbed onto his attacker.
The two combatants tumbled together, legs wrapped tightly around one another, not even bothering to attack, as the tunnel spiraled nauseatingly around them. The guard’s breastplate glanced off the stone wall with a shower of sparks as he fought to keep from losing his wings. Fancy Pants head spun as he tried to get his bearings. As they careened towards the tracks, the Night Agent blasted a stunning spell into the pegasus’ face, then kicked off his torso with all four legs. The guard hit the tracks headfirst, his helmet crumpling with the impact. Fancy Pants snapped his wings open again, wobbling in the train’s slipstream trail. Checking over his shoulder, he saw the other pegasus hanging back, nervous to meet the same fate as his companions.
The blackened tunnel brightened abruptly as the train spilled out onto a narrow mountain ridge. Fancy Pants was knocked off course by the blast of air from the tunnel’s mouth, and emerged several hundred feet above the mountainside, to the right of the train’s path. The pegasus pursued him as he banked back toward the tracks.
Swooping down, Fancy Pants furled his wings and skidded across the top of the train, sparks spitting from beneath his hooves. The pegasus turn expertly in midair and landed without sliding a millimeter, blocking Fancy Pants from the nearest entrance, the coupling between the caboose they had landed on and the next car. As soon as his hooves touched down, the pegasus guard darted for-ward, helmet lowered, to head butt Fancy Pants in the chest. The Night Agent tucked his shoulder low, ducking under the metal battering ram, and brought his shoulder up into the guard’s throat. As the pegasus took the full weight of its own charge in the larynx, Fancy Pants swung his right foreleg up be-tween the pegasus’ two front legs, lifting the pony from the deck. Rolling his shoulders sideways, he slammed the pegasus down on its back. The Night Agent planted his rear hooves on the sensitive joints in his opponent’s wings. As the guard barked in pain, Fancy Pants a series of rapid punches to his face and neck.
The guard brought up his forelegs to defend his head, and Fancy Pants leapt back, putting as much force into his leap as he could. Hollow wing bones splintered and broke beneath his hooves. The pegasus rolled painfully upright, steadying himself, wind whipping at his fur, before stomping four times on the car roof.
A door opened somewhere behind Fancy Pants, and he turned to see two ponies clambering onto the roof of the car behind him - a female unicorn, with a brown coat and dark green mane, her horn sparking an angry green, and a male pegasus with red fur and pale white hair.
Fancy Pants deflected a ray of green magic with a shield spell and dodged aside as the guard behind him threw a savage punch. The red pegasus launched himself in tandem with the others, and hit Fancy Pants in the side with his charge, knocking him back towards the edge of the train. Two swift punches found the Night Agent’s chest and stomach, and then the guard delivered a spinning kick to Fancy Pants’ jaw, which hurled the agent head over heels off the left side of the train. Fancy Pants managed to catch the edge with his hooves and swayed wildly in the wind, his hind legs battered by twigs and sticks from the mountain vegetation. The unicorn loomed over him, her eyes triumphant as her horn flared.
Fancy Pants erected a mirror spell just as the beam lanced toward him. It ricocheted off into the mare’s face, sending her sprawling back into red pegasus. The Night Agent swung his body for-ward against the wind, then rode it back, rotating his flanks so when he let go near the end of his swing he pirouetted through the air to land behind the traitorous guard. Fancy Pants punched the guard in the back of the head, knocking his helmet over his eyes. Before the stunned pegasus could recover, the Night Agent grabbed both wings, yanking against the broken bones, and hauled the injured pegasus sideways, hurling him off the train and into the brambles below.
As the stallion turned back to his other two foes, a blaze of red struck him beneath his front right limb so hard he was propelled backwards off the train, carried on the shoulder of his equine at-tacker. The pegasus flew upwards, tossing Fancy Pants into the valley like a sack of grain. The agent tumbled, tucked his limbs, and located his opponent. A spear of golden energy flew from his horn and blasted the red pegasus out of the sky. Fancy Pants spread his wings again to get on course, then tucked them and rocketed back down towards the train.
The unicorn mare saw him coming and frantically fired a barrage of spells, narrowly missing Fancy Pants each time. Wind whipped the agent’s face, tears streaming from his eyes. Less than twenty feet from the top of the train he opened the wings, flaring them to roll so his hind legs were in front of him. With colossal force, Fancy Pants drop kicked the mare, arresting his own momentum enough to hit the roof of the car and roll to a stop while simultaneously propelling the mare into the mountainside behind the train. She hit the rock face and tumbled, limbs flailing limply, into the brambles beside the tracks.
As Fancy Pants staggered upright, the train lurched, and his eyes snapped to the next car, which was gradually pulling away from the caboose. Ironsides stood in the rear door, a steel pin clutched in his jaws. His eyes glittered with malice as he gave Fancy Pants a mocking salute, spit the pin into the valley, and slammed the door.
Fancy Pants galloped forward to the edge of the car, spreading his wings as he leapt off, pursuing the train in flight once more. Ironsides had turned away, heading towards the front of the train. Fancy Pants dropped into the slipstream, tucked his wings, and shielded himself in a yellow glow. He smashed horn first through the rear window, skidding to a stop feet from Ironsides.
The giant of a pony spun around, and his face met Fancy Pants’ hoof halfway. The Night Agent let loose a blinding flurry of golden spells, peppering Ironsides with stinging magic. The gray stallion countered Fancy Pants’ second punch and caught him in the chin with a bone-crunching uppercut that lifted all four hooves off the ground. Fancy Pants crashed to the floor of the train, rolling aside as Iron-sides brought his forelegs down, leaving dents in the floor where the agent had been moments ago. Fancy Pants kicked both rear legs into Ironsides’ stomach, causing him to fall against a dinner table, which collapsed under his weight. The bigger pony snarled, grabbing a chair in his jaws and swinging it at his opponent. Fancy Pants moved more quickly than Ironsides predicted, and brought both front hooves slamming down on the side of his head, dislodging the chair from his jaws. Ironsides rammed Fancy Pants, lifting him off the ground and slamming him into the opposite wall. The car groaned as the wall bent outwards. Fancy Pants, vision swimming, punched both forehooves in on Ironsides’ thick neck. The titan pony responded by sinking his teeth into the agent’s ribs, drawing blood, and tossing his head violently, throwing Fancy Pants through the front door of the car.
Fancy Pants rolled onto the collapsed door, head hanging over the coupling, his hair whipping in the sudden wind. The tracks raced by just below, and gravel bombarded his face, stinging his eyes and cheeks. Ironsides stepped out into the divide, rearing up to crush Fancy Pants beneath his hooves.
The Night Agent righted himself, avoiding decimation, and backed towards the next car, opening the door with his magic. Ironsides took a swipe at him as he stepped through, and Fancy Pants slammed the door on his fetlock. The gray pony angrily shoved the door aside, and was rewarded by having it slammed on him again, this time on his head. Fancy Pants bucked, both hind hooves hitting Ironsides squarely in the mouth. Ironsides reeled, clutching his face. Fancy Pants ripped open the casing on an emergency fire hose, and unwound the coil inside. He looped the nozzle end around Iron-sides’ hind legs and cinched it tight, yanking them out from beneath him. Fancy Pants leapt forward, but Ironsides shredded the firehose and kicked all his limbs into Fancy Pants as he charged, throwing him up and to the right, so he tumbled into the space between the cars and caught himself on the roof of the back car.
Ironsides painfully clambered up onto the roof as Fancy Pants dragged himself back from the brink. They both paused, panting, each evaluating the other.
“You know, it’s really a shame you didn’t accept my offer.” Ironsides huffed, his mane fluttering in the wind. “You’re probably the seventh or eighth toughest pony I’ve faced.”
“I shall choose to view that as a compliment.” Fancy Pants panted, steeling himself. “Again?”
“Buck, yes.”
The two clashed on top of the train, trading savage blows and crafty countermoves, each pounding the other to the point of exhaustion. Soon both were staggering, and their strikes landed with less and less force.
As Ironsides slipped, falling sideways, Fancy Pants caught him around the neck with his forelegs and began to squeeze. Ironsides swung this way and that, but the Night Agent kept his aching limbs locked.
“Again, you waste your time with me, missing the bigger picture, Night Agent,” rasped Ironsides. “This time, you won’t succeed.”
He swung Fancy Pants around and fell backwards on top of him, driving the wind from his lungs. Before the agent could recover, Ironsides rolled off the train, tumbling down a steep embankment in a cloud of dust, rolling to a stop a hundred feet below, sides heaving.
Fancy Pants jumped down and reentered the train, running from car to car, looking around for something amiss. He pelted past six familiar mares, who barely had time to register his presence be-fore he was out of their car.
As he was opening the door to the next car, Fancy Pants noticed a suspicious black wire running along the frame of the car. Fancy Pants followed the snake’s path down the side to where it dis-appeared beneath the carriage. When Fancy Pants peered over the edge to look beneath the car, he saw a large, ivory rectangle of intersecting geometric lines. It was radiating a faint blue glow.
“Sweet Celestia.” Fancy Pants whispered. The black wire leading to the rectangle had a guttering spark running swiftly along its length, like a rat eager to reach the end of the maze. Fancy Pants aimed a spell at the spark, but was interrupted by a ringing blow to the back of his head.
Fancy Pants fell, catching himself with all four limbs, his barrel hanging over the tracks, ventral side up. Above him loomed the conductor, a coal shovel gripped in his teeth. The blunt weapon swung down, and Fancy Pants let himself fall further, spreading his front hooves further apart. The shovel clanged against the metal of the train, and Fancy Pants wrapped his hind legs around the conductor’s neck. As the startled pony tried to pull away, Fancy Pants brought his forelegs up and clamped them around the front of his attacker’s throat, pressing in with all four. The conductor bucked and struggled, the shovel falling from his jaws. He slammed Fancy Pants against the floor four times before the agent let go, and then staggered to grab the wall of the engine. When he turned back, Fancy Pants had already struck, hammering both front hooves into his jaw. The conductor was thrown sideways, his head landing right in the furnace, and Fancy Pants slammed the iron door on his skull.
Fancy Pants looked underneath the car again; the spark was nearly gone. Galloping through the door, he barked, “Everypony, I need you all to proceed to the next car back immediately!” When the occupants simply started at him, he shouted, “GO!” and they hurried to the back of the car. As soon as the last pony stepped across, Fancy Pants uncoupled the car and turned, ignoring Rarity crying his name.
Fancy Pants galloped to the front of the train and cranked the engine to full speed. No sooner had he done this then he leapt from the engine, just before the front car exploded in a shower of silver and blue flame. The shock wave hit the Night Agent in midair, and Rarity and her friends watched in horror as Fancy Pants tumbled wildly and vanished into the trees hundreds of feet below.
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“Fancy Pants! Hey, Fancy Pants, are you okay? Where are you?” Rainbow Dash followed the trail of blood and broken branches down through the forest canopy, picking her way carefully through the thick boughs. “Fancy Pants?”
She gasped when she came on him, draped across a thick branch. The socialite’s tuxedo was in tatters, hanging on him in strips, and angry red gashes were visible through the ruined fabric. A tiny trickled of blood ran down from his nose, and his monocle swung gently beside his face, catching a solitary ray of sunlight with each period.
The pegasus flew to her new friend’s side, checking his pulse with her hoof. For a moment, she couldn’t feel a thing. “Medic!” She howled, her voice echoing through the forest.
“It’s all right, Rainbow Dash,” Fancy Pants rasped, smiling weakly, “I am still alive, for the moment. Did everyone else… is Rarity…”
“We’re all safe, thanks to you.” Rainbow Dash gently touched his shoulder. “I’ve only got one way to describe what just happened,” she said, her voice quivering with excitement, “you… were… awesome! Oh, I can’t wait to tell everypony this story!”
“No, you mustn’t, Rainbow Dash!” Fancy Pants whispered urgently, trying to raise his head. “You and your friends must speak to no one of these events.”
“Why not?” Rainbow Dash demanded. “You saved our lives, and probably the lives of everyone else on the train! You’re a hero! Don’t you want everypony to know?”
“Absolutely not.” Fancy Pants was finding it hard to speak with his head dangling at this angle. “These events could cause a panic across all of Equestria. I was never here, and I never did any of the things you may have seen. Please, Rainbow Dash.”
The pegasus nodded slowly. “I haven’t known you that long, but you treated Rarity right last night. I’ll keep your secret, but just answer me one question.” Dash looked left and right, and flew close to Fancypants’ face. “Are you a spy?” She whispered conspiratorially.
Fancy Pants thought for a second. “Yes, I suppose I am.”
“So… awesome!” Rainbow whispered, her eyes wide with glee.
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The medical responders recovered Fancy Pants from the tree where Rainbow Dash was watching over him. They bandaged his wounds and strapped him to a triage litter next to the train. As the agent lay there, wishing he had something to drink, a shadow fell across him.
“This isn’t the first time you’ve saved my life, is it, Fancy Pants?” Rarity spoke softly, touching his face gently with her hoof.
“I’m afraid that’s classified information, my dear.”
“I thought as much.” Rarity leaned in close to him. “Thank you for everything. I promise, your secret is safe with me, and my friends.”
Fancy Pants smiled. “Never be anyone other than who you are, Rarity.”
Two nurse pegasi landed nearby. “Ma’am, we need to move him now.”
Rarity nodded, her eyes still on Fancy Pants. “Get well soon.” She bent down and kissed him lightly on the cheek before backing away to leave the pegasi to their work.
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Being the most important pony in Canterlot, Fancy Pants had the honor of convalescing in the VIP section of Canterlot hospital, an extravagant wing complete with a therapy center and swimming pool. Magical healing was applied to fix his broken bones and speed recovery. The speed of bone regrowth could be quite jarring, so the hospital staff wanted to keep him under observation.
It was late, and Fancy Pants couldn’t sleep. He decided to take a stroll around the wing, to stretch his legs and clear his head. The moon was high and full, casting its calming glow over the city, visible through the sunroof. Fancy Pants sat back on his haunches next to a commemorative waterfall fountain, dedicated to the late physician Hippo Crates, and let the sound of cascading water drown his thoughts into silence.
Presently he felt a flank brush against his, and he looked up, surprised that anypony could sneak up on him, and found Princess Luna sitting beside him, gazing out the window.
“Your Majesty! You startled me, not a mean feat, I might add.”
Luna did not respond. She simply sat there, eyes fixed outward but clearly looking beyond what was in front of her. After a long moment, she spoke. “There was something between us the last night you came to my tower.”
Barely daring to breath, for fear of waking himself, Fancy Pants responded, “Indeed. I remember.”
“You may also recall that I sent you away. I wish to explain myself.” Fancy Pants waited while she gathered her thoughts. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, the Princess continued, “As an immortal alicorn, I have lived a millenia, and may yet live a dozen more. For most of that time I have been imprisoned for crimes I committed, both against my sister and the ponies of Equestria. To take on a lover,” Fancy Pants’ heart thudded audibly, “is to inevitably lose them. Furthermore, I…” she swallowed, her voice cracking, “I do not deserve the happiness you have to offer me, my friend. I am a broken shell of a mare, not fit to give or receive the love you would offer me.” Tears sparkled on her cheeks, running down her face in streams of pale light.
Fancy Pants winced as he raised his right foreleg, the spot where Ironsides bit him twinging painfully, and pulled her close to him. She did not resist, and her head came to rest in the crook of his neck.
“I have killed, Luna. I have taken a pony’s life with my own hooves. Long I have thought I could not deserve your love, that I had too many responsibilities, that our working relationship would suffer; or at least that is what I told myself.” He raised a hoof to her face, wiping away her tears. “I don’t think anypony can deserve the love of any other, but as a close friend of mine recently told me,” he raised her head, meeting her sparkling eyes, as a strange mixture of peace and elation flooded through him, “buck that.”
Luna touched his cheek with her hoof, and they drew each other into a passionate kiss, all the fear, pain, and uncertainty draining away, in a moment of perfect bliss.
The End
Fancy Pants will return in: Palamino Royale!