//------------------------------// // LCS: Birth Control Conquers The Common Cold // Story: Love Beats Stupid // by chillbook1 //------------------------------// Aria woke up on the floor and with the feeling of fire on her skin, an explosion in her brain, and a tornado in her gut. An involuntary groan escaped her burning lips as she sat herself up, felt absurdly dizzy, then laid herself back down. She really wasn’t feeling great, which was doing her no favors. She needed to be at work in a few hours, and she’d need all the time she could get to walk off this feeling of unease. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Aria froze. That was Sonata’s alarm. Sonata was never up until 11 AM. Which meant that Aria was running late. “Son of a…” She seemingly fought with gravity as she pulled herself to her feet, grabbing a shirt from the extra bed (it used to belong to her, before she started sharing one with Sonata). She snatched a pair of jeans from the floor and haphazardly jumped into her clothes before running to find some way to turn her veritable waterfall of hair into pigtails within the next ten seconds. “Babe?” Sonata yawned sleepily. She rolled out of bed, rubbing her eyes softly. “What’re you doing here? You don’t have off today, do you?” “No, no, I’m running late! Really, really, really late!” groaned Aria. She managed to find some discarded scrunchies and went about fixing her hair as quickly as possible. “Hey. Hey!” Sonata’s hand felt like ice on Aria’s shoulder, so startling that it caused her to shudder and stop in her tracks. “What?” said Aria, trying to ignore to revolution going on in her stomach. “Babe, I really need to get ready for work, I’m running late, and-” “Go back to bed,” said Sonata. “You don’t look good. I think you’re sick.” In her entire life, clocking in at over 1,700 years, Aria Blaze had never, ever, a single time, gotten sick. She wasn’t sure if it was due to good genes, or freak luck, or some sort of Siren immunity to human illnesses, but it never happened to her. With a record that impressive, it was natural for her to assume that she never would get sick. If it hadn’t happened over the past millennium, it wouldn’t ever happen. She was very much so sick, to an obvious extent, but she refused to acknowledge that fact. “I’m not sick. I don’t get sick,” said Aria. “I don’t have time for this, I gotta go.” “No! You’re burning up, you’re stumbling over yourself, and I think whatever you have is messing with your head,” said Sonata. “It’s called dementita. Or denemshia. Or something, I dunno.” “Yeah, I’m the one with dementia,” said Aria, rolling her eyes. “Okay, I’m feeling kinda hot right now. So what? And of course I’m fumbling and doing things weird, I’m in a rush! I’m late! I haven’t screwed up so bad that it actually matters, so let it go. I need to get ready!” “So you always wore your pants like Kriss Kross?” said Sonata, borrowing some of her wife’s sarcasm. Aria looked down, leered at Sonata, then stepped out of her pants so she could turn them around. “Put a pin in that Kriss Kross thing, we need to talk about why you think that’s still a relevant thing to reference,” said Aria, shaking her head. “For the last time, I’m not sick!” As if to spite herself, she sneezed loudly. “Aria, you’re sick. Lie down and rest, please.” Aria shook her head, though it was unclear if she was refusing to rest or refusing to be sick. “Here, at least let me take your temperature! I won’t allow you to leave until you at least do that.” “What’re you, my mom? Jeez, whatever gets me out of this house faster,” grumbled Aria. Sonata beamed with joy, then rushed out of the room. She returned a short moment later with a thermometer, which she turned on and stuck in Aria’s mouth. Five seconds later, and the thermometer beeped angrily, displaying a red light on the little LED screen. “So, I’m not a doctor or a nurse or anything,” said Sonata. “But I’m pretty sure the color red is, like, universal for ‘sick’. So, back to bed.” “Come on, how bad can it be?” Aria looked at the screen, at the glaring number “104”. Similar to Sonata, she was also not a doctor, but even she could tell that her temperature shouldn’t have been that high. “I’ll drink a lot of cold water,” promised Aria. She slowly began to walk to the door (although Sonata was more inclined to describe it as a limping motion). “Call in sick,” said Sonata firmly. “No.” Aria made it to the doorframe, then turned around and headed for the bathroom. “I gotta pee.” Sonata crossed her arms, dubiously watching Aria trudge into the bathroom. The door swung closed, and there was silence for about ten seconds. Then, loud, wet, painful-sounding retches echoed through the apartment. “Sonata?” said Aria from the bathroom. “Yes, babe?” answered Sonata, grinning in a darkly satisfied manner. “Pass me my phone?” Sonata grabbed Aria’s phone from the dresser and brought it to the door. It cracked open just wide enough for her to slip the phone through, then closed as soon as she did so. Sonata pressed her ear to the door curiously. Aria’s first sick call in almost 2,000 years just had to be interesting. “Hey. Yeah, it’s me,” said Aria quietly. “Listen, I-... Yeah, I know, I’m late, that’s why I’m calling you… Derek, I-. Derek… Yeah, I know, I’m trying to let you know, I can’t make it today.” Sonata couldn’t make out more than a bit of chattering on the other end. “Nah, there’s no way I can come in today. I’m, like, 84% sure I have Ebola… I dunno, tell Jared to-... What? I never agreed to-... I didn’t even know he was getting married, and he wants me to go to his bachelor party? And what does that have to do with the schedule? Well, why the hell did he take off for me? I’m his best friend? Wow, that’s pathetic… I didn’t even know, Derek, I wouldn’t just… Okay, honestly? If I wanted to skip work to hang with Jared and his stripper friends, do I really strike you as the type to care enough to lie? Yeah, see? I’ll meet up with him next week to figure this out. Ya know, assuming the Small Pox hasn’t killed me yet. Yeah, I know it was Ebola a minute ago… It’s called a joke, genius, maybe you should… Yes, sir. Alright. Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Friday!” called Sonata through the door. “She won’t be fit to go back to work til Friday!” “Well, you heard the missus. See you Friday,” sighed Aria. “See ya later.” The door cracked open again, just wide enough for Aria to drop her phone to the floor and slide it across the room. She didn’t seem ready to reenter the world, however, as it slid right back closed. “So...” said Sonata. “I have a bunch of questions.” “Yeah?” grunted Aria. “Go for it.” “Jared and his stripper friends?” “Some idiot I work with. Jared, not the stripper friends. He used his vacation days to take the week off, and he thought I’d do the same, despite not telling me that he was having a bachelor party, and-.” Aria cut herself off after that. “You know what? This entire thing kinda just boils down to ‘some idiot I work with’. Next question.” “Did you call Derek ‘sir’?” snickered Sonata. “He’s my boss, move on.” “Alright, alright. Do you plan to… I dunno, come out here at some point?” asked Sonata. “I… I kinda puked all over my thighs,” said Aria. “I need a shower. Badly. Actually, I’m gonna take a soak, too. Those’re good for fevers, right?” Sonata instantly recognized the perfection of the situation. As soon as she heard the faucet start, she rushed out of the room to gather wet towels, bottled water, chicken soup, and plenty of over-the-counter drugs. A good thirty minutes later, Aria was properly clean and in her pajamas. She had tucked herself back in bed, though she did so fairly begrudgingly. Even though she felt like she would keel over at any second, it felt wrong for her to be in bed when she should be out ensuring their continued living in their apartment. That said, she was still happy to be spending more time with her wife, especially when she came back into the room with a tray of soup, crackers, a Dixie cup of pills, and orange juice (which was Aria’s favorite). Sonata was also wearing white scrubs and a little white nurse hat, decorated with a red cross and four red hearts on the front. “What’s with the outfit?” snickered Aria, coughing slightly as she did. “This isn’t gonna be like one of those dirty videos, is it?” “I’m here to take care of you, and the best way to do that is to wear the proper attire,” said Sonata matter-of-factly. “That, and I never got to wear it for Halloween, and I felt like it’d be a waste.” “Gotcha. So, what’cha got for me?” asked Aria. Sonata set the tray on Aria’s lap, then took a seat besides her. She lifted the bowl of steaming chicken soup, and offered a spoonful to Aria. “Eat up,” she said. “Dude, I can feed myself,” scoffed Aria, though only after she swallowed the soup. “I don’t actually have Ebola, alright?” “I know you can, but this is cuter, don’t ya think?” Sonata grinned happily, matched by her wife. Aria coughed, flinching at the pain that vibrated through her head. Sonata lowered the bowl to the tray, then nudged the pills forward. “Here, take these,” said Sonata. “For your head.” Aria threw the pills in her mouth and flushed them down her throat with some orange juice. “I’m gonna need some more later,” said Aria. Sonata pulled a circular case containing several more of those pills, two of which she popped out and placed into the cup. Aria stared at her, waiting for the joke to be over. “Is everything okay?” asked Sonata. “You’re joking. Please tell me that you’re joking,” begged Aria. Sonata just looked concerned. “Your stupidity is gonna kill me. This is Adagio’s birth control, nimrod!” “Whaaa? Why would she put them so close to the Tylenol and stuff?” asked Sonata. “That’s poor planning.” “I’m gonna die,” groaned Aria. “You’re gonna kill me! Dude, what is wrong with you?!” “I’m sure you’ll be fine,” said Sonata dismissively. “How bad can the side effects be, anyway? Dagi takes these all the time, but I thought she just had migraines or something.” “I swear… Here, take my phone and search up the side effects,” coughed Aria. “Let me know when to plan the funeral for.” Sonata thought Aria was overreacting a fair bit, so she decided she’d play along, if for no other reason than to prove her wrong. She opened up Aria’s web browser, then searched up “birth control side effects”. “Alright, we have… Weight gain, headaches, mood swings,” listed Sonata. “Uh… Missed and irregular periods… Wow, your grammar is already pretty bad, so that’s gonna be rough…” She looked a little closer. “Oh… Abdominal pain, chest pain, headaches, loss of vision. swelling and aching thighs, and ovarian cysts.” “Uh... “ groaned Aria, sinking down in her sheets. “That’s awesome. Freaking amazing. To think, I could be throwing up on the side of the road right now. Instead, I’m tucked into bed and being poisoned by my own wife.” Aria let out a sneeze, that warped into a cough, that slowly became a chuckle. “Well… You killing me was bound to happen eventually. Just figured it’d be when I forgot the anniversary.” “You plan on forgetting our anniversary?” asked Sonata. “Hey, I don’t really get some of these. What’re ovarian cysts?” She looked at the list again. “And libido? What’s that? It says yours is gonna be decreased.” “Jesus Christ…” coughed Aria. “Be ready to dial 911, I might just kill me before you get the chance.” The door to the apartment swung open with a loud bang. Someone ran through up the stairs and to the bathroom, that someone announcing herself as Adagio before rushing into the medicine cabinet. “What’s her deal?” asked Aria. “WHERE THE HELL IS MY BIRTH CONTROL?!” she shrieked. “SONATA!” “We’re in here!” called Sonata. Adagio bustled into the room, looking a bit worse for wear. Her hair was frizzier and more untidy than normal, and her skin was coated with a visible sheen of sweat. “What in the world are you doing here?” asked Adagio, glancing at Aria. Then, she noticed Sonata. “Seriously? Nurse outfit?” Adagio shook her head in annoyance. ”Whatever. I have several questions, the most important of which being ‘what are you idiots doing with my birth control pills’?” “Brainless over here gave them to me thinking it was Tylenol,” grumbled Aria. “And now, I’m apparently going to develop ovarian cysts.” “What quack site did you read that on?” said Adagio irritably. “You’ll be fine. Now give them back.” She snatched the pills from the tray, popped one out, and swallowed it dry. “Now, before you ask, no. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going back to Silver’s, and I will see you tomorrow. As usual, try not to burn down the house.” “Thanks for the concern, by the way!” shouted Aria, but it was too late; Adagio already left. “It’s not like I’m dying or anything!” “Oh no!” squealed Sonata. She looked up from the phone, the strongest, most concentrated grief plastered on her face. “What?” asked Aria. “Find out something terrible about what’s going to happen to me?” “Uh-huh.” “Wanna share what it is?” “Nuh-uh.” “Sonata. What is it?” asked Aria. Sonata dropped the phone onto the bed, collapsing beside it. “I just looked up what libido was…” Aria laughed so hard that she had to turn her head to avoid coughing and vomiting all over the bed. “It’s not funny! That’s, like, super depressing!” said Sonata, as if it was the worst thing ever. Despite the vomit on the floor, Aria still managed to find some humor in the situation. After Sonata cleaned up, she finished feeding Aria her soup, gave her the proper pills, and the two laid out in bed all day. They talked, laughed, caught a movie on Netflix, and just generally enjoyed each other’s company. Then, after a bit, Sonata noticed that Aria was falling asleep, so the two dozed off in each other’s arms. The next morning, Aria was awake at 3AM, as per usual for her. She felt significantly better than yesterday, and would’ve been perfectly fit to return to work, if it wasn’t for Sonata. She was up before even Aria, and groaning as she propped her face on the toilet seat. Aria followed her in the bathroom, just in time to grab her hair and hold it out of the way as Sonata heaved into the bowl. “You got me sick,” coughed Sonata. “Yeah, sorry about that,” said Aria. “Here, let’s get you back to bed. I’ll take care of you today.” “Really?” said Sonata weakly. “Really.” Sonata reached to the left, and slowly raised the hat from the nurse costume. “Wear the uniform?” she requested. Aria stared blankly at the hat for a second before snatching it up and placing it on her head. “If it was anyone else, I’d be leaving them to go to work,” said Aria. Unbeknownst to Aria, Sonata grinned. Seeing Aria in a full nurse outfit would make getting sick 100% worth it.