You wake up in the loft of Sugar Cube Corner. You have another exciting day ahead of you: baking, throwing parties, and making ponies smile. But you're hungry, and so first you make your way downtown to grab a breakfast burger. Luckily, the Burger Barn never fails to deliver!
At last, Pinkie held the legendary golden hayburger in her grasp. She had crossed deserts, mountains, valleys, desserts, fountains, valets, and streams to get here. Also, she had battled Ahuizotl fifteen times. Three of those times involved lava, two of them sharks, and one both. What was with that guy?
''Bubble Berry, notice anything odd?''
''Well, my name's Bubble Berry and yours is Dusk Shine. Also, we're stallions.''
''Yes, we are. Honestly though, I'm more concerned that we're stuck in a shoddy fanfic.''
''Meh, a smile's a smile. Wanna get pizza?''
''Pizza?''
''Hey, alternate universe.''
So, thought Pinkie Pie as terrified humans and ponies alike ran about screaming, both species generally conceptualize a human top half and a pony bottom half.
''The horror, the horror!'' cried Lily, probably. It was usually her saying that.
Pinkie opened her pocket mirror. ''Hmmmm. Yeah, I look pretty whack.''
A draft horse was plowing fields one day when he felt a sharp pain in his flank.
''Yow!'' he yelped, jumping. He turned to face the biter. He wasn't expecting a pony.
''Consarn it, Miss Pie, what in tarnations are y'all doin'?!''
''Uh, setting up a hamburger joke?''
''250 Crabby Patties?!?! Are you kidding?!'' yelled Squidward at the giant pink horse thing peeping through the front door of the Krusty Crab.
''Nope, I'm not horsing around!'', the creature replied between breaths on its respirator. ''I hear you've got the best burgers this side of Bikini Bottom!''
''SPONGEBOB!!!''
Schiing! Whoosh! Thhhp! The arrow embedded itself deep within the lurching undead pony, who promptly collapsed. Crossbow in one hoof, Pinkie took a bite of her hayburger with the other. Were she to die in a last stand against the zombie apocalypse, at least she'd die with a hayburger.
Pinkie happily cantered into the Hayburger Cafe, only to find her friends waiting for her. ''Oh, hey girls! What brings you here?''
''Pinkie,'' Twilight intoned, ''this is an intervention.''
''I can quit anytime I want!''
''That's what you said about cocaine, and we all know how that turned out.''
''At last!'' Pinkamena Diane Pie shouted, ''Real meat is--woah!'' She wobbled uncertainly, trying to find her balance. Settled, she looked about. She was in front of a high school. Strange yet comfortingly familiar creatures looked at her oddly.
''Uh, I'm guessing this is Canterlot High?''
They nodded hesitantly. Success.
''Pink one!'' shouted the giant fanged hayburger, ''For too long you have eaten our kind, but now the tables have turned! Tonight, we feast on you!''
''NOOOOO!'' screamed the Pinkie on the movie screen.
''Heh, this is silly,'' real Pinkie chuckled, sipping overpriced theater soda.
''I agree,'' said her hayburger.
''Hey, Dashie?''
''What's up, Pinks?
''You know how we have drive-thrus ?''
''Sure.''
''Well, do you think horses have trot-thrus?''
''Pinkie, horses don't eat hamburgers, nor are they a civilized society. I swear, you are so random.''
"Come on, pretend!''
''Ugh, why'd it have to be In-N-Out?''
Geeze, who steals a hayburger? thought Twilight Sparkle.
Gravy on a prairie dog! Where'd mah burger go? thought Applejack.
Goodness, my meal appears to have gone missing! thought Rarity.
Gosh darn it, somepony's cruisin' for a bruisin'! thought Rainbow Dash.
Golly, I hope they enjoyed it, thought Fluttershy.
Pinkie Pie bites into her savory burger, but it becomes a cat tail. The cat screeches; it has the face of Sapphire Shores. ''Smell me, baby,'' she croons, and Pinkie decides she's had enough LSD. The walls cry and Pinkie's tail is leaking purple Smooze. ''Shoo-be-doo,'' it groans.
''Um,'' Fluttershy murmured, her burger untouched, ''I, well, uh... appreciate your interest, but I just don't think we'd be, um, a good match.''
''Okie dokie lokie!'' Pinkie chirped, hopping to the next table.
Rarity sighed. ''Darling, when I said you should try dating, I didn't mean us.''
''Alas, I come upon the last bite. You were savory, but now you are naught, and I am one meal closer to death, your consumption symbolic of the earth's consumption of my own body one day. The mountains crumble; the seas roll, uncaring. You were a good burger, though.
''Butler, mix up an astroburger for me, please,'' Pinkie Pie instructed her robotic servant. ''With a grenadine sarsaparilla. And make it to go.''
''Certainly, Miss Pie,'' the robot responded. ''Shall I then prepare your jetpack for launch as well?''
Pinkie smiled. ''Sure! Now that's what I call fast food!''
One afternoon, Pinkie Pie was hungry. She was--surprisingly--sick of pastries, but luckily was currently on the clock at Hayburger Hut. She only worked about a dozen hours each week, but it helped cover her partying habits. She waited until the end of her shift, then ate a burger.
The end.
''Deadpool, we meet again!'' Pinkie hammed, facing down her frienemy across the room. Between them sat the last burger.
''Look, just give up!'' Deadpool taunted. ''The author's note shows I get it anyway.''
''You just drew that, silly filly. Also while you were drawing it, I got the burger!''
''NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!''
The burger slipped from her grasp, and Pinkie helplessly watched in agonizingly slow motion as the dropped burger fell, spinning through the air as it plummeted towards the too-dirty-to-eat-off-of restaurant floor, its layers splitting apart as the wind took its toll.
Splat.
A single tear rolled down her cheek.
Your jetpack misfires, the zombies drawing closer. Your straight hair twitches, and you barely duck a petunia. Why did you turn into a human and marry Abacus Cinch? You throw away the grenade and keep swimming. You only wanted a Space Burger!
You wake up. It was all a dream.