//------------------------------// // Welcome To Eques- "Shut up, Slut!!" // Story: Grandpa HATES Equestria // by ColossalParadox //------------------------------// Grandpa looked around at his surroundings, confusion and unease swirling inside his already extremely confused mind. One second he was shopping in Target with his grandson, then the next thing he knew was that he was standing on the outskirts of some town surrounded on all sides by trees and mountains as far as the eye could see. Grandpa did not know how to react. He never remembered going to some dumb colorful world in the middle of god knows where. There was a familiar sense to it though, like he had been dragged here by his grandson before. And then it hit him... "When the FUCK did I get to Disneyland again?" After announcing his confusion, Grandpa began tromping off in a random direction into some nearby woods. He didn't have a motive or reason, he was just Grandpa being Grandpa. He walked through some tall brush and low-hanging branches, constantly getting smacked in the face with leaves and cursing out loud as he tried to shake them away. "All these trees trying to steal my oxygen!" Just as he said that, another branch smacked him in the face, HARD, knocking him to the ground. "God Dammit!" He exclaimed, "Where the hell's that pharmaciss when you need 'em?" Grandpa struggled to his knees and to a standing position, taking in his surroundings. "Shit," he breathed, "I shoulda brought more pampers..." He said as he loaded them. A rustling from the bush behind him caught his attention and out popped a rabbit that inspected him with caution. He adjusted his glasses and examined it back. "You're not my grandson!" He shouted. Frightened, the bunny hopped away back into the brush and away from the old man. Grandpa gave chase to the little rabbit. "Get back here you little asshole! You tell me where the pharmaciss is at!" Grandpa shouted after the bunny. Grandpa eventually came to a clearing after he lost the rabbit in a wild goose chase (or BUNNY chase in this instance) and muttered a few other obscenities. "The hell am I now? This ain't Holland?" Grandpa looked around the field he was in, saw nothing, and slumped his shoulders. "Aw fuc' me righ' in the azhole..." He then trudged off in the direction of what he hoped was the town knowing he would have a better chance of finding the pharmacist there... and hopefully some more pampers. "Hello!" A strange girly voiced called out to him. Grandpa jumped and exclaimed, "What the holy hell was that?" He looked around for what could have been the source of the voice, but saw nothing but trees and the occasional wildlife. "God dammit I'm hearing voices again! I need ta' stop swipin' the oldest ones Oxies..." "Down here!" The voice called out again. Grandpa looked down and about had another heart attack from what he saw. A small purple horse with wings, a horn, and ridiculously big eyes, making it look like a character from one of those dumb "animes" the youngest one watches. Grandpa knelt down to get a closer look, adjusting his glasses. "Well damn," he began, "I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore. I've been bibbity bobbity booped to Neverland!" He exclaimed in horror. The small horse giggled. "You have a funny way of talking, stranger!" The pony held out her hoof. "My name's Twilight! Twilight Sparkle. And you are?" Grandpa took a moment to process what he was hearing while trying to decide if this was the best or the worst acid trip he's ever had. He looked to the hoof held out to him, then back to the pony. "I'd rather not, I might catch the diabetes," he stated. Twilight raised an eyebrow at that, but lowered her hoof anyways. "Who's 'diabetes'?" She asked. "The hell is that suppos' to mean?" Grandpa asked her a little angrily, taking a step forward. "I may be old, but I've been through three world wars and still have some ass kicking left in me!" The pair stared at each other for a long while, neither making a move. After a minute or so, Grandpa continued on towards the town with Twilight following him at a distance. "Watch yourself!" He warned Twilight, pointing at her for emphasis. Twilight trotted up next to him, a bit caught off guard that he was going to kick a donkey. "Will do!" She said almost too cheerfully. "So you don't look like your from around these parts, stranger? Where did you come from?" Twilight gasped. "Are you an alien?" She said, getting in his face. "The fuck did you just call me?" He asked, offended. "Just because I came into America hidden in the back of an 1827 El Durado with seven Mexicans doesn't make me an 'alien'!" "Oh, so you're from Amareica?" Twilight asked. "No shit, dumbfuck!" Grandpa retorted. "Twilight..." She deadpanned. "What about it?" Grandpa asked, making Twilight raise another eyebrow. "That piece of shit movie. I saw it in the theaters with my grand kids and very nearly downed my entire bottle of pain pills just to escape that nightmare. I would rather get fucked in the ass by Bubba down at the local penitentiary than see that trash again. My niece seemed to really enjoy it though..." Twilight was at a loss for words. She closed her mouth that she didn't realize was hanging open, most likely because of his colorful vocabulary, and tried to assess the situation. "No! MY name is Twilight!" She huffed. "Your parents must have really hated you then," Grandpa replied absentmindedly. Twilight's blood was at a boil. She could handle the bad words and name calling, but NO ONE talks bad on her parents. She was about to blow her gasket until she remembered the secret technique Cadence taught her when she was younger to calm herself. She put her hoof in front of her chest and slowly exhaled as she moved her hoof out in front of herself. She felt immediately calmer and more relaxed now. She never understood how that calming technique worked so well. She didn't linger on it too long, opting to put on a smile, albeit a clenched jaw smile, and tried to remain as hospitable as possible to her new guest that seemed to be from another world apparently and was raising her blood pressure ever so slowly. "I can assure you, sir, that my parents loved me very much. I was named after my mother." Grandpa semi-ignored her and responded, "Call me Grandpa if you want. Every other fuck does..." Twilight just shook her head and pinched her nasal bridge in frustration. After walking for a bit they emerged from the woods to directly the outskirts of a small town, their intended destination. "Come on Grandpa! I see the town! I'll introduce you to my friends and we'll help figure out a way to get you back home to your world. I know you're not from ours because I don't think I've ever seen your species ANYWHERE in our world!" She beamed happily. "Whateva'..." He replied. "What is that town anyways? Looks like a hurricane having butt sex with a twister came through there..." "Yeah, the town is a bit of a fixer-upper..." Twilight said sadly, ignoring his comparison, but immediately perked up. "But it's my home and I love it! Welcome to Ponyville, Grandpa!" Grandpa froze at that and took a good amount of time to examine the place he was walking into. Far off he saw some sort of farm with a road leading to it and a house made entirely out of clouds floating above the town. But the worse thing he saw most of all was tons of multi-colored horses bustling about the small town and commuting with one another. For the longest time he wasn't able to get any words to form, but finally conjured one word after taking everything in. "Fuck..."