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// How did this happen again? 
// Story: Hats Off 
// by Malozi 
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	Have you ever seen a pink demon? It’s an unusual color but in all my years of narrating I don’t think I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing such a ghastly color on a creature of evil destruction. Now, I’m not saying pink is a bad color it’s just that…. Huh? Oh, right, the story. Sorry, this is the first time I’ve been on the job. Just… just let me find the… script… here… got it! Sorry about that.
The pink demon stood at least five meters tall, not counting the horns. For each arm, a large spike protruded from its elbows. Any wounds that had been inflicted upon the creature had either only angered it or did negligible damage as the wounds would soon close. The band of people fighting this demon had learned the hard way that it was resistant to magic, especially rituals that were intended to send it back to its own realm.
The individuals in particular were Applejack, Noel, Todd, and Trixie. Noel was on the back of the demon, hanging on for dear life. He had done so because it sounded like a swell idea at the time. Make it focus on trying to pry the human off while his allies blasted it with magic and other manner of things to take it down. It had sounded so simple. That was when they had discovered the magic resistance. In Noel’s years of training, he was taught to analyze weaknesses and strengths before attempting such a strategy. His master would not be pleased to know he had gotten so lax in his training.
But the plan had worked. Oh yes, the beast was certainly thrashing about. The problem was that the plan hadn’t exactly worked as it was supposed to. But Noel remained calm “Just shoot the damned thing, Todd!” in his hour of need.
“I don’t have a clear shot! Just jump off it!” Todd shouted back as he stared down his adapter rifle’s scope. It was a modified rifle and he called it Vera.
“No! I think I found a chink in its armor on the back on the nape of the neck-oh shit!” Noel was certainly not having a good time. “Come on just shoot it already!”
“Dude, I could hit you!”
“I’ll get better!”
While the two humans argued, two ponies stood in the background behind Todd. Though, Applejack was closest to the action. “So this happens a lot, I presume?” Trixie asked. It was only recently that she had been… well, recruited is probably the best word here, to help out with the hunters and protect Equestria from the dangers from beyond.
“Yep.” Applejack responded.
“Trixie was unaware that this was a common occurrence.” Trixie had gotten some training from the hunters. Her magical abilities had improved dramatically and she felt confident that she could stand up to the higher level unicorns. Her hunter teachers, unlike ponies, were very quick to tell her that referring to herself in third pony (or person as they had so incessantly insisted) had gotten on their nerves. Of course, because of that, there had been more than a few disagreements. She eventually got herself to stop talking in third person though since it had been such a habit she still occasionally fell into it.
“Yeah, well, ya shoulda seen the time when a giant had come here. Destroyed about half of Ponyville and killed a bunch of ponies just trying to kill all the hunters.”
“That’s horrible!” Now that Trixie thought about it, she reasoned that there should be a graveyard somewhere if that were the case.
“Yeah, it was. Discord helped get rid of the giant, though, while Noel resurrected all the ponies killed by the giant and repaired the destruction it caused. The rest of the hunters helped rebuild the rest of Ponyville from an earlier battle. So I guess it kind of worked out in the end.”
“I see….” Trixie said.
“Would you two help out already!?” Noel shouted.
“Oh alright.” Applejack rolled her eyes. This had to be the second demon this week she had been called to deal with. With a toss of her head she tangled the demon’s arm in her lasso and pulled. While Applejack had gotten some training with the hunters to improve her survivability in the field, she rarely relied on the some of the human magic that was taught to her. But, she loved using their magic to amplify her physical strength. Coupled with earth pony magic, she was immensely strong.
Which was why she didn’t expect the demon to fly off its feet. “Ohwaitgodno!” Was all Noel had time to say before he was ground into the dirt by the demon’s mass since it had fallen on its back and therefore crushed him. Don’t worry kids, he’s still alive.
“Sorry, my bad!” Applejack apologized.
There was a muffled response as the demon got back up on its feet. Noel was laying down in the dirt. This was where Todd took his chance and fired a shot directly at the demon’s head, taking out an eye. It reared back in pain and roared from the energy blast. It must’ve been tired, or simply uninterested in continuing the fight. Whatever the case, it tried opening a portal but it miscalculated its aim and not only did the portal open up to the wrong destination but also right behind Applejack, Todd, and Trixie. Roaring once again in frustration it tossed a wave of energy that collided with the trio.
Under normal circumstances, the two ponies would’ve been knocked back at best, vaporized at worst, and simply killed at… some word that would describe being in the middle in this situation. However, Noel, in his foresight, had seen fit to give all non-hunters (in this case, ponies) a gem that would generate a magic shield to protect them from all harm as long as it had energy. As such the wave’s energy crashed against the trio and did them no harm, even the physical force behind it had no effect.
Unfortunately that only applied to living beings since Noel hadn’t thought to make the shield a bubble instead of a personal layer of magic. So the demon’s attack, while not carrying the deadliness from the magic, still carried the kinetic force to blow something away. As a result, the hats of Applejack and Trixie were blown away and sucked into the portal.
Now, normally this might not have been a problem if this had been a normal portal. But the demon was in a hurry to escape so the portal in particular was designed to close as soon as something went through. And… well this narrator thinks you get the idea.
As their hats had flown away both ponies had shouted, “My hat!” in shock. As soon as the portal closed they both slowly looked at the demon and gave it a death glare.
Feeling as though it had made a terrible mistake the demon spoke in its own language. But since it would be boring to see that, we here at Narrator co. have decided to translate it instead. “<Oh fuck I’m going to die here, aren’t I?>”

Somewhere in the ether, two hats floated. It was here that these two hats, having been through so much, gained a sort of consciousness. “Where am I?” Applejack’s hat asked.
“I don’t know.” The other hat said.
Since they were hats, all they did was float around in the ether. The ether itself was dark, full of sparkling lights that looked like the night sky. It seemed to be moving yet it was unchanging. “What is this place? Who are you?”
“I’ll repeat myself. I don’t know, and I don’t know where or what this place is. As for who I am…. I… don’t know. I’ve always been known as Trixie’s hat. What about you, then?”
“I guess it’s the same for me. I’m just Applejack’s hat.”
“Well, we’ve gotta think up names for ourselves.”
“Okay.”
“How about… um…. Oh, I’ll be TH and you can be AJH!”
“Huh?”
“TH is short for Trixie’s hat and AJH is short for Applejack’s hat!”
“....” AJH personally thought that was kind of stupid but it was better than nothing she supposed. Or was she a he? Or was AJH an it?
“Hello?”
“Sorry, I was just thinking. Those are good names, I guess. Better than referring to ourselves by our full names.” Those aren’t names you two. But yeah, AJH was telling the truth. Probably. Are sapient hats capable of lying?
“Thanks. Oh, hey, what were you thinking about?”
“Um… just thinking about our existence in the sense of being male or female.”
“Well, how so?”
“I mean, we’re just objects, right? Does that mean we simply refer to ourselves as ‘it’ instead of he or she?”
“I suppose if that’s how you wanted to view it I guess. But from my perspective, I think that we can identify as whatever we want to be. And since we’re the only ones who know about our existence and it’s not like we can just go ask someone for their opinion I don’t think anyone can really stop us or tell us otherwise.”
“I can agree with you on that. I also suppose it’s not like we can go for help either.”
“Yeah, that too. Oh hey, maybe we can. Have you tried moving?”
“No, I don’t know if I can. Have you?”
“No.”
“Then let’s try it together, then.”
“Couldn’t hurt to try.” There were grunts of effort from both the hats. However, in the ether, it was hopeless for the two hats. Since they were just hats, they could not move and even if they could, they were stuck in a place that was seemingly unchanging. In fact, the only disturbance in the place was the sound of the two hats.
“You moving yet?” AJH asked after two minutes of trying to move.
“Nope.” TH responded. She had given up about a minute ago. “This is getting us nowhere. I guess we’ll just have to wait and hope for someone or something to come and find us.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Hey, let’s talk about our previous discussion. What do you identify as?”
“Uh, I suppose I would be a female.”
“Me too. You think that’s because our owners were female, too?”
“Probably? That’s not a bad guess. Hey, I remember everything I’ve ever been through since the day I was made. Do you remember anything?”
“Yeah… I do. Do you know why that is?”
“I have no clue. But it does explain why we’re able to speak the same language.”
“Hey, you’re right….” And that was where the discussion ended for a while. As usual, it was AJH who broke the silence.
“So uh…. Glad I’m not too far away from you.”
“Why?”
“Oh! Because, uh, I mean, so we don’t have to shout, or anything! Yeah, that’s what I meant!” If hats would blush AJH would certainly be doing so.
“Oh. Okay. I’m glad I’m close to you, too.”
“Why?”
“Didn’t I just ask you the same thing? Wouldn’t my response be the same as yours? It’s not like I like you or anything. That came out wrong! I mean, I like you but… I like you but not in… uh. I’ll just shut up now.”
“Uh, okay.” It’s not like I was asking you to stop.
“Huh? Did you say something?”
“Uh, no?” The heck?
“There it is again! I swear you said something.”
“I didn’t. Hold on… let me try something. Tell me if you hear anything.” Hello? Testing, testing.
“I heard something. Was that you?”
“Yeah, I think so. I was just thinking and I think you could hear my thoughts but I don’t think you could actually hear what I was thinking. Strange, you couldn’t do that before.”
That is strange.
“Hold on, I could hear your thoughts too! Just now! I mean, I couldn’t understand it but I could hear it!”
“Yeah, I think we’re actually talking right now. My theory is that we were thinking our thoughts aloud at first, and now we’re just now starting to lose our ability to think to ourselves and pretty soon we’ll lose it altogether.”
“I suppose you’re right….”
“What? You don’t believe me?”
“Well, if what you’re saying it true, then that should mean that we should’ve heard each other’s thoughts constantly. I think that whatever we’re thinking is broadcasted if we’re not really trying to keep it to ourselves.”
“Hmm. That does make sense.”
And so there was silence again until AJH spoke up again. “Hey, you wanna ponder the fragility and meaning of life?”
“Nah, that sounds boring. How about we ponder the secrets of the universe and what it has to offer us?”
“Sure, why not?”
And so it was that the two hats continued to have a discussion about the secrets of the universe. Eventually they moved on to other topics, even talking about the fragility and meaning of life, like AJH had originally suggested. In fact, they had talked for so long and so intensely for the past hour that they didn’t notice that they had started to… change… and that something out in the ether had recently sensed them, but had not noticed them yet.
“So I’ve never heard the word, ‘fuck’ before. What does it mean?”
“You know, Applejack keeps meaning to ask the hunters about that since she hears them say it so often but she keeps forgetting.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I hear the word, too?”
“No, no, I mean, how do you know she keeps meaning to ask about it?”
“Oh, she occasionally mutters it under her breath. I don’t think being her property gives me access to her thoughts, only what she experiences.”
“Uh… hey. You notice anything… different about you?”
“Um, no, why?”
“Take a look at yourself.”
“I don’t think I can-woah when did that happen?” AJH looked down at her ‘body,’ if it could indeed still be called that. She looked to TH and saw that she, too, had changed.
“Hey, we’ve both changed.”
“Wow, you’re right!” The two hats were no longer hats but instead balls of energy, constantly changing forms. One second they might’ve been a pony, the next they could be a human, some other creature or even revert back to their hat forms. But the one constant thing that they still had with all their forms was the glowing energy.
“So… does this mean we can move?”
“I think so.” AJH tested out her new body and moved towards TH. “So uh, can I touch you?”
“Only if I get to touch you.”
There was silence between the two. “Uh… I feel like we both just said something wrong… but I don’t know what….”
“Yeah….” Was the drawn out response from TH. They both settled for snuggling, which felt nice to the two entities. They then went back to talking. Little did they know, that, after an hour of talking, snuggling, and generally not paying attention, the other entity that was wandering around in the ether finally noticed the presence of another two beings in this realm and immediately teleported to the location of the two hats. This mysterious entity was also accompanied by something else, another being of great power.
“Hello there.”
“Ah!” The two hats jumped in surprise, but they still had their hands ‘connected’ to each other. “Who are you?” They said in unison. It must’ve been scary for the two of them, seeing something that looked to be wreathed in shadows suddenly appearing out of nowhere.
Thankfully, the shadows dissipated revealing not one but two entities, one of which was very familiar to the two hats. In fact, just about every pony in Equestria had heard and/or seen this particular pony.
“Princess Celestia!” They said in unison once more. “I’m sorry if we were disturbing you.” AJH said.
“I am sorry, as well.”
Celestia giggled. “It’s quite alright. Though I did not expect to see you two here, whoever you two are.”
“It’s a long story. And since we’re kind of trapped here we might as well tell you. Though, before we do. Who’s that with you?”
“I’m afraid I will not reveal my name, but you can call me the Archon.”
AJH gasped. “You’re Noel’s master!”
“Yes.” There was a flash of light and the Archon changed. “I am.” The voice was also different. “I also know who the both of you are.”
“You do? How?”
“I examined both of your memories, just now. The both of you are certainly an odd occurrence in my realm.”
“We are? This is your realm? That’s where we are? What is this place.”
Celestia giggled again. “Patience, young ones. The Archon will explain what he can.”
The Archon nodded and shifted shapes once again. “I know exactly what happened to bring you both into existence. It was always a possibility though I never thought it would happen.”
“What are you talking about?”
The Archon’s eye twitched and he shifted shapes once again. The Archon never liked being interrupted but he knew he had to be patient with two beings that technically weren’t older than three hours. “You see, the energy from this realm interacts with inanimate objects that have great importance attached to them. Thus, it brings them to life as you have both found out by now.” The Archon changed shapes once more.
“Why does he keep doing that?” AJH attempted to whisper to TH.
“She.” Both Celestia and the Archon said at the same time.
“Pardon?”
“She, AJH. I’m a woman, female, whatever you want to call it.”
AJH took a look at the Archon. “Well, you are now. But I always hear Noel refer to you as a ‘he’ every time he talks about you.”
“I know. I told him to do that.” The Archon shapeshifted again into a male. “I created this realm and it is here where my gender is very fluid. I allow my personalities to change my body shape whenever they feel like it, though I suppose I’ll just stick with my Abigail form for now.” The Archon switched to her female form and stayed that way. “This will be so you won’t get confused. I apologize for confusing you if I had done so at any point in time.”
“Thanks, it was getting a little weird.” The Archon shrugged. “So uh, if this is your place, then what is Celestia doing here? No offense.”
“None taken.” They both replied. The Archon spoke up this time. “Well, Celestia showed me her version of my ether, though she had created hers before I did, I’m not sure when she did, though, she hasn’t told me yet. This place is a recent invention of mine. And by recent I mean I’ve had this place for about a hundred years or so. It’s been a quiet place for me to work when I need the alone time and when I heard about Celestia’s own ether I just had to bring her here to show off. Yeah, I’ll admit it, I’m a showoff.”
Celestia giggled and nudged the Archon with a wing. “It’s okay, I do not think less of you for it, you know.”
“Thanks. You two should count yourselves lucky. Had we not been here I wouldn’t have found you and you probably would’ve gotten lost and made it more difficult for me to find you. I may have created this place but that doesn’t mean I know every single location here.”
“Does this mean you can send us back?”
“I personally don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Well, if I send you two back, then you’ll both revert to your original states but you’ll still be conscious.”
“It’ll be like when Discord was turned to stone.” Celestia spoke up. “You’ll be immobile but completely aware of everything going on around you.”
The Archon nodded. “Yes, you won’t be able to do ANYTHING. Trust me, you’ll find the experience maddening.”
“But Trixie needs me!” TH exclaimed.
“And Applejack needs me!” AJH echoed.
“That might be the case but I can offer an alternative. I can create two separate copies of you. These two hats will be linked to you and you’ll be able to continue your adventures at any point in time that you wish. Just, not in person. You’ll have to remain here. But don’t worry. I can create a space for the two of you so you can live here comfortably and influence your little slice of heaven. It’s the best I can do for you. I know you’d both like it here together. When I examined your memories I could tell you two have feelings for each other.”
Since the two hats were no longer hats, they were both fully capable of blushing. That doesn’t mean the two stopped holding hands, though.
The Archon smiled. “Yeah. I thought so. I’m also removing the time dilation field for the two of you once I get the place set up, it’s been two hours in here but only two minutes out in the real world. In fact, everything has now been prepared for the two of you. Also, I wouldn’t be referring to the two of you as hats anymore. You’re more like spirits now.”
The two spirits looked down and smiled. “Thank you.” They both said.
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s get this over with.” The Archon snapped her fingers and the spirits were transported to their own spot in the ether. Celestia nudged the Archon.
“That was a good thing you did.”
The Archon stuck her nose in the air. “I just did it so they wouldn’t bitch to me about it later about how their life was going to be shitty and yada yada.”
Celestia smiled, shook her head slightly, and rolled her eyes. “I suppose I should be taking the hats to two very distraught mares right now? I say distraught since you said that they placed a great amount of importance to their hats.”
“Yes, I think you should.” The Archon magicked two hats that were perfect replicas of the originals into existence and Celestia took them in her magical grasp. Before Celestia could teleport herself out, however, the Archon stopped her. “Oh, and Celestia. Don’t mention that I’m here right now. I’m a little busy.”
“As you wish.” Celestia then attempted to playfully lick the Archon’s face, knowing how much that infuriated her but the Archon saw it coming and she dodged and then lunged for the sun princess. Celestia giggled and teleported out while the Archon grasped naught but air. Which reminded her. Was there air in here?

As soon as the demon fell there was a flash of light and Celestia was standing before the two hunters and the two ponies with their hats. “Princess Celestia!” The two mares shouted and bowed. The hunters courtesied but did little else.
“I have found these two hats, my little ponies. I suggest you be more careful where you put them.” Celestia commented with her motherly smile on her face.
“Thank you, Princess. Where’d you find em?” Applejack asked.
“Oh, in the ether.” It technically wasn’t a lie. Celestia just didn’t say which ether.
“Well, thanks again.” The two ponies bowed once again and with the two hunters they trotted off to get on with their lives. Just because you fight evil doesn’t mean you have to do it twenty four seven.
Somewhere, in the ether, two spirits were playing and laughing happily. They might also have been kissing but I’m the narrator and I might have added that in there. Or I might have not. It’s not like you can prove anything.