Spike ran up to the club entrance from the left side, instead of the front where the queue was. There was a low railing. He fell over when he tried to duck under it, hindered by his thick clothing, so he crawled the last bit. He then tried to scurry up the stairs from the side but was stopped by one of the doorstags.
“Whoah!” he said and pushed Spike back with a cloven hoof. “Where do you think you’re going, buster?”
“I have to get inside!” Spike yelled.
“Well, so does everydeer else!” the guard snarled. “Get in line!”
“It’s an emergency!” Spike said with a quieter voice.
“Suuuuuure!” said the guard. “You getting into this club is a matter of life or death?”
“But it is!” Spike yelled. “You see I have to...”
Do this without telling him the crown prince is in there, Spike realized.
“...well it’s a secret! But I have to do it now!” he continued.
“Look, I don’t care what your issue is, get back in line!” the guard said.
The other guard, the bigger and quieter one, had approached them and now spoke up.
“Nah, he shouldn’t get back in line,” he said.
Oh thank goodness, Spike thought.
“You shouldn’t be here at all! You’re obviously underage, squirt!” he said menacingly. “This place is for grownups! Go home to mommy and daddy and stay there!”
“But you don’t understand!” Spike wailed. “I’m the assistant to Lady Twilight Sparkle! She’s here tonight and I have a very important message so you have to let me in!”
The guards looked at each other, then shook their heads.
“Prove it!” said the smaller of them.
“I’m a freezing baby dragon! How many of your customers are baby dragons?! How many baby dragons are there in Tarandroland?!” Spike yelled angrily.
“You’re the fourth one this evening,” said the bigger guard and pointed with his hoof to a group of huddled reindeer in the street Spike hadn’t noticed either. They were all wearing very bad dragon costumes. He had seen some bad dragon costumes, but these took the cake.
“Look, kid,” said the smaller guard, “your costume is the best so far, even if it needs work. I mean it’s obvious you’re really a reindeer. But you don’t get in, so go home and stop bothering us. This is no place for fawns, and you’re holding up the paying customers! Now scram!”
Dejectedly, Spike walked back into the shadows.
How in Equestria am I supposed to get in now? he thought. This will all go south...
In desperation, he started to sneak around the building, looking for any other way in. A back door, a cellar door... a fire ladder?
There were fire ladders... or at least a ladder. Except this was a ladder that didn’t go all the way to the ground. Maybe it was mobile, and you were supposed to lower it in case of a fire... A rearing pony would have had trouble reaching it, and Spike’s jumping and grabbing attempts were hence useless. He nearly screamed in frustration. Then he started to look around for something to climb on to reach up.
There were a set of trashcans across the street. He walked over and tried to drag it to the ladder, but it was far too heavy for him. He only succeeded in toppling it. While he avoided breaking anything major when it fell on him, he did get covered in stinky trash. He just lay there a while, screaming inside and hating this alley, this city and this country with the burning fury of a thousand suns.
Finally he got up and rolled around in the snow for a while to get the trash off and ended up very wet and cold. He grabbed the loose lid from the trashcan and carried it over the street, then tried to prop it up against the wall and use it as a makeshift stepladder to reach the ladder. No success.
When he jumped (or rather, sort of stumbled upwards) trying to grab it, he landed on his side. It hurt a lot. This time, he wasn’t certain whether he had broken something or not. He had rarely felt this useless. His eyes teared up.
“Hey there, little buddy, are you hurt? Do you need help?” a voice said above him. He looked up and saw a demonic shadow above him. For a second, he was terrified, but then...
“Dark Clouds?” he said to the lunar pegasus.
“Yup!” said the Night Guard. “I was guarding as ordered when I saw you. What are you doing?”
Spike sniffed and sat up.
“I need to get a message inside,” he said. “There is! There’s a threat to the whole operation and I need to get inside to tell somepony to get out and I can’t tell the reindeer!”
“Wow!” said Dark Clouds. “Well, why don’t I give you a lift! You can get in through the roof, I think. This is exactly the thing we trained for in forced entry, if you can get past the pirates on the roof...”
“The pirates on the roof?” said Spike
There were three of them. Dark Clouds explained that they hadn’t been relieved, which should make things easier.
“That’s brutal, having to stand guard like this hours on end in this weather with no real shelter. They’re probably also really undisciplined since they’re not unemployed reindeer soldiers but their foreign allies, just pirates. They’ve been here since before we came to the club!” he said as they hid behind a big chimney.
Spike didn’t listen much, he was marveling at the... diversity of the three guards.
“Noticed they all have wings?” Dark Clouds misread him. “Of course, they’re not pegasi, but that’s a still an advantage given the situation. I mean, as we are on a roof and all.”
“I... noticed the wings,” said Spike, “but I was thinking of something else.”
The closest pirate, with the back to them, was simply a griffon. She was rubbing her hind legs together and trying to keep her tail out of the snow. She was presumably regretting not wearing more than a colourful vest, from which hung an impressive assortment of blades and hooks. Griffin coats and feathers weren’t really coldproof. Griffons weren’t common in Equestria but there was a sizable minority especially in pegasus cities, so she was no big surprise.
The next one, however, who had his left side to them, was a different matter. He was some sort of deer-bird hybrid, with the front parts of a stag and the hind parts of a colorful bird. The plumage didn’t shimmer but looked dull and lustreless, however.
“I’m dying here,” said the being in a heavily accented Equestrian. Spike couldn’t place the accent. “I’m dying of cold and thirst and hunger, and down there is heat and booze and food.”
“And hot flanks!” the griffon snarled. “Why are we doing this crappy duty when everyone else gets to party down there?”
“He’s a peryton,” said Dark Clouds quietly. “They’re from an island chain far down south, beyond llama lands. Pirates are like that - crews are from all over the world!”
“We know why, Gerda,” said the peryton. “We’re doing this because we have the blessing of flight, but we aren’t any of Captain Crimson’s precious pampered pegasi pirates!” He looked accusingly at the third of them. “Would she send any of them up here... without booze and heat...”
“And flanks!” Gerda added.
“...do you think?” the peryton finished.
“Guys, I be th' first mate,” said their accomplice. “Would he send me aloft wit’ ye if that was th’ case?”
The accomplice took the cake.
“A pig with wings?” Spike said. Dark Clouds hushed him.
“‘tis a tough job, n’ somebody has t’ do it. Th’ Cap’n decided ‘twas ye,” the winged pig explained. He had dressed more sensibly, in a thick jacket, but he still looked very piratical with a colorful bandanna tied around his head, a cutlass-hung bandolier belt across his tubby chest, and gold rings in his ears. He lacked an eyepatch, but he did have a wooden trotter, the right front one.
“So is he a... pigasus or what?” whispered Spike.
“I’ve heard they call themselves ‘megasi’, for some reason,” said Dark Cloud. “Don’t look that big to me. But they are really good fliers and fighters, for non-pegasi that is.”
“Why are we even in this freezing sun-forsaken place anyway?” said the peryton.
“Ye’re truly daft, Jorge,” said the megasus. “If th' Captain can help this here barbarian chieftain t' become th' King, we can hide here whenever we want. Across th' sea lies Ponyland, 'n 'tis fat 'n peaceful 'n easy prey. We can sell any prize here without any hassle, 'n then spend th' doubloons down south wit' nobody knowin' we be pirates.”
“Barbarians, yeah,” said Jorge the peryton. “Can we even trust these savages here? Reindeer are just a small step up from some cannibal headhunters or something!”
“Yeah,” said Gerda the griffin, “and if those ponies on Tropical Island throw you into their volcano or onto the barbecue, you at least get to see some hula-hula first. Here it’s just gloom and doom. I’ve never met a more dour people!”
“Jorge, Jorge, me fawn, if thar be one thin' t' be said fer these northdeer, 'tis they keep thar word,“ said the first mate. “ 'n Gerda, we’ll 'ave t' put ye in a sauna wit' some vodka 'n some local does. Tarandrians get crazy wit’ some booze inside’em! I’m sure that can be arranged!” He grinned with yellow tusks and spit out some tobacco.
The other flying pirates looked barely convinced but didn’t protest anymore. They lightened up when the first mate shared some of said vodka.
“We just have to get you past them and down the lid,” said Dark Clouds. “It’s not like we can fight them, but I think we can fool them...”
“I have an idea,” said Spike. “Just cover me!” He started to sway back and forth before the curious eyes of Dark Cloud, then he stepped out from behind the chimney and directly up to the pirates.
I just hope I can imitate Berry Punch’s step... he thought as he tried to look unfocused and hiccoughed loudly.
“Heeeeeeeeeeeey!” he shouted in what he hoped was a Tarandroland accent. “Foooooreigners!”
They stared at him with surprise, claws and trotters and hooves on weapons.
“Nice costumes, eh?” he said and poked the griffin, then hiccoughed.
“Who are ye, 'n wha' are ye doin' here?” said the first mate.
“I’m... Speikko,” Spike said and struck his chest with his claw. “And this is just the best nightclub in Sarvvik!”
“No, I mean... why are ye on th' roof?” said the baffled megasus.
“Oh! To take a piss, of course!” said Spike and swayed as he looked at nobody in particular.
“You... went up to the roof to take a piss?” said Jorge with disgust.
“You should have seen the line to the toilet!” said Spike. “Also, if you get to the edge of the roof, you spell your name in the snow in really big letters! Ancient Poatsulan custom!” He laughed heartily.
“But... we have been here for hours!” said Gerda. “You must have come before us!”
“I don’t know when I came up here,” said Spike and shrugged. “I really needed to go! All that vodka, you know! Oh - and the coffee!”
“And it’s not like we watched the hatch in the roof,” said Jorge to his friends. “We were watching the surroundings...”
“Are ye supposed t' be a dragon?” said the first mate.
Spike nodded proudly. “Do you like my costume?”
The pirates looked a bit uncomfortable.
“Sorry, but it’s really obvious you’re a reindeer,” said Gerda.
“Nice try, though,” said the first mate.
“Ooooh...” said Spike, looking dejected.
“Well, I suppose ye needs t' get back t' th' party!” said the first mate hastily. “This way, down th' hatch here!”
They more or less pushed Spike down the stairs below under his fervent, hiccough-interrupted thanks. When they had gotten him down there they went back to their post and relaxed.
“Do you think he heard anything?” said Gerda. The first mate laughed.
“Naaah, he was drunk out o' his skull 'n one o' th' silly buggers who goes t' places like this,” he said. “He will reckon anythin' he remembers was jus' fancies!”
“I’m supposed you’re right... Wasn’t he very small, like just a fawn?” said Gerda.
“What did I tell you?” said Jorge, took a swig of vodka and grimaced. “Savages!?
The dance floor was the middle of a thundercloud. Darkness cut through by flashes of light. Loud bellowing noises echoing through your bones. Your coat matted with sweat. Even Saga had to admit she was starting to get drained, and her barbarian beau was clearly getting weak in his knees.
That’s why she didn’t protest when he dragged her close and shouted in her ear: “I’m sorry, but I really have to take a leak.” His leg remained loped around her neck, which was not unpleasant, and panted pitifully as he awaited her permission.
“Sure!” she shouted back. “I need to go as well! We’ll meet by the bar!”
He nodded and left the dance floor at a trot, the dancing crowd (which were still nicely impressed by them) dividing to give him room.
Well, they were certainly unique in the crowd. The current trend seemed to be to imitate her Mistress in the Craft (Saga loved saying that to herself - “Mistress in the Craft”). Saga had first been a bit jealous of the idea, but then she realized that since everydeer had tried to turn up in a dark dress cut for ponies and the same basic makeup, she wouldn’t have stood out the same way.
Oh, how I wish I could tell everydeer I designed that makeup! she thought. Not that it fit reindeer very well, given our non-purple coats...
She swayed her hips to the music as she trotted off to the little vaja’s room to catch up on some gossip. She needed to know more about the recent Twilight Sparkle craze. She thought she knew all about the necro-nerdy trends in town, but apparently having a stagfriend got you out of touch.
Small price to pay! she smiled as she placed herself in line for the loo.
Vigg suppressed his bladder and stalked off upstairs. He was getting more and more desperate to learn about Twilight’s doings, and he felt he only had one lead.
I just hope he hasn’t stopped working for the evening, he thought as he entered the second floor balcony.
Scanning the crowd for a certain waiter, he missed both the many murmured compliments he got for his outfit and appearance and a smaller number of pick-up lines which generally revolved around him coming over and pillaging their apartment. It was probably for the best that he found the waiter after a short while and went up to him.
“Hi!” he said, a bit out of breath, his muzzle a little too close to the waiter’s.
“Uh... hello,” said the waiter and shied back. “What can I help you with, sir?”
Vigg stayed close and lowered his voice.
“I have heard Lady Twilight Sparkle is here tonight,” he said.
“I can’t really say, sir,” said the waiter. “Uh, I can’t talk about guests like that.”
“I am already certain she is,” Vigg said. “I am also certain she has a private room, or I would have seen her, or somedeer else would’ve seen her and made a scene.”
“Erm...” said the waiter.
Vigg dragged out a bag of silver and placed on the waiter’s tray. He couldn’t see it, carrying the tray on his antlers as deer waiters do, but he felt its weight.
“That’s just a little gift. Tell me where she is and you’ll get another one,” Vigg said.
The waiter swallowed.
“I - I’m carrying up some refreshments to her room in a minute,” he said. “Pay me that twice again and I’ll let you see where I’m going.”
Vigg stood still a second or two, as thoughts ran through his head.
“No,” he said. “I pay you thrice that again and you give me your tray and apron.”
The waiter hesitated. Vigg opened another pouch and showed him the real, freshly minted silver.
“Okay,” said the waiter hoarsely. “Okay.”
Twilight was getting more and more frustrated. She wasn’t getting what she had come for. She needed clear numbers and descriptions of Jarl Ahto’s forces. She needed the location of their base. Neither was forthcoming. Twilight decided Ahto had one advantageous trait in a ruler: he was able to talk a lot without saying anything, and it was obvious he was avoiding the more juicy facts. Meanwhile, she felt she had already said everything she was prepared to divulge regarding her own plans. If she continued she would start to promise things she couldn’t keep. Not that she intended to keep any promises here in the long run, but she assumed it wouldn’t be detected so early.
And here you sit, Twilight Sparkle, deliberately making promises you never intend to keep, she thought, so you can ruin the life and plans of this poor fool.
She couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for Ahto. Even if Twilight failed miserably, she had the strong suspicion his coup wouldn’t work. The only reason reindeer had to support him would be that he wasn’t Ukko, and by that logic they might as well vote for Wiglek the Wicked returned from the Summer Lands as the next king.
She sighed. At the moment she wished she could have dealt with the reindeer kids’ strange ideas of ancient artefacts and undead sorcerers instead of this mess. It would have felt cleaner, somehow. More pure.
There was a knock at the door. Hakon leapt up and answered it. The poor guy was probably happy to have something to do. He had tried to take part in the negotiations early on but had been shut down by a withering glare from Ahto, which had been followed by cruel mocking from Captain Crimson Coat. Since then he had mostly just stared sullenly at the floor.
A young waiter was let in balancing several trays and holding a bucket of ice and vodka bottles in his muzzle. Discussions were interrupted a bit as he laid the table. He was dressed in a grotesque outfit that must have taken some time to make, and between his helmet and extensive bodypaint his face remained unseen.
Sometimes ‘noble savages’ will be dressed like that in Rarity’s historical romances, she snorted to herself. The kind that the heroine ‘tames’ in chapter sixteen.
“For you especially, Lady Sparkle,” he said, “with compliments from your host,” and showed a covered plate.
As the young sarv, a bit nervous, put the special plate in front of Twilight he had to press past Captain Coat. She took the opportunity to leer and rub his flank with her hoof.
“Are you also just for Lady Sparkle, fawn, or do we get to share you?” she said and grinned.
The poor reindeer flinched and the pegasus pirate laughed as he pulled out flask and glasses and placed them on the table.
Twilight looked at her with disgust and thought that she didn’t feel sorry in the least for Crimson Coat. She noted the three reindeer shared her disgust with the pegasus.
Well, they’re good people with the wrong goals, she thought. Crimson Coat is just an all-around bad pony.
Then she realise their gazes fell on her as well, and she suddenly not just loathed but hated Crimson Coat.
They think we’re the same, she thought. We both come here from another country to just grab what we can, ravish the youth and steal the resources and exploit the land. They have no reason to believe I’m any different, with this ghastly charade we’re playing. Jarl Ahto has no scruples allying with the Shadow of Skinfaxi because he’s already bloodied his hooves with somepony like Captain Crimson Coat.
“Y’know, that’s what I thought reindeer looked like before I got here,” said Captain Coat conversationally, as the young waiter trembled and filled her glass with vodka. “That’s how a northern barbarian should look like.”
But of course... we’re the same, in a way, Twilight thought. If I took a picture of that stag in that Nightmare Night getup and sent it home saying ‘oh, this is how reindeer look like’ I bet my friends would believe me.
“My lady,” said the waiter, “may I serve you?”
“Thank you,” she said, trying to sound as sincere as possible when she smiled towards him. She couldn’t make out his reaction under his skull helmet and heavy warpaint. She turned to Crimson Coat and smiled in a different way.
“Harm or even touch the young deer here in any way, and I’ll kill you in ways that will redefine pain for this century,” she told the pirate.
Now they’ll just believe I’m saving him for myself, but at least she won’t get any ideas, she thought.
The pirate laughed, but a bit uneasily, and Twilight actually got an admiring nod from Guthrun the seer.
The waiter mumbled something that could have been a thanks and lifted the lid off her plate. The he flinched backwards.
The smell of blood and offal now reached the noses of every ungulate in the room. Three small flayed corpses lay on the plate, their eyes glaring out from skinless faces.
“I’d... heard of your... eating habits, Lady Sparkle, so I’d arranged some lemming for you,” Jarl Ahto said, a bit uneasily. The other two reindeer looked like they were about to throw up. Captain Coat stared at the plate in morbid fascination.
“Actually,” the waiter spoke up, and then stopped, as all looked towards him. His voice was high-pitched, almost doeish, and Twilight wondered for a second if he was a doe, or merely a very young stag.
“Actually, grazers sometimes eat pieces of lemming meat,” he continued. “For their health. To get needed minerals and such.”
Crimson Coat’s gaze actually sought out Twilight’s and she read it as Those crazy barbarians, huh? as if the pirate tried to unite in some sort of Equestrian camaraderie.
I’m nothing like you, thought Twilight.
With great determination she formed the spell Luna had taught her in her mind and cast it. The spell that turned off you gag reflex and your olfactory senses.
“A most sensible custom,” Twilight said, “in a harsh country without the natural bounty of my homeland.”
She levitated the first lemming to her mouth and bit off its head with a mighty crunch.
“So, Jarl Ahto,” she said between chewing, “where were we?”
“Where. Is. That. Dragon?!” Mustikka snarled.
Heikko shrugged helplessly.
“I couldn’t see him either when I rounded the square... a round square...” he mumbled as he lost track of his thought. “Anyway, he can’t be in any of the alleys. Neither alive nor a corpse. I swear I have checked!”
Mustikka swore soundly and made as if to leave.
“But check yourself by all means,” said Heikko. “I’ll try to hail one of the pegasuses and see what they’ve seen...”
“I don’t trust ‘em!” snarled Mustikka. “And I’m not making another freezing scouting round, I’m going in!”
“In?” said Heikko.
“I know my tracks. The only one I see went up to the club, swiveled around the entrance, came back, and then just up and disappeared,” Mustika explained. “It is impossible for me to lose a track unless by air or sea, so he must have entered somehow. He is in there”
“How?” said Heikko.
“He climbed, jumped, magicked himself in or flew in,” Mustikka shrugged. “He is a freezing dragon and the familiar of a powerful sorceress. Anything is possible.”
“Mustikka, you will make a scene,” said the hithereto silent Galderhorn.
“I don’t care much about manners right now,” said Mustikka.
“You could jeopardize everything,” said Galderhorn. “Let me use a sending first.”
“Gald is right,” said Heikko. “One of his spirits can fly and walk through walls and hide within them and all kinds of stuff. You must admit it will be less noticeable than you barging in.”
Mustikka hesitated.
“I guess you’re right,” he muttered. “What have you got?”
Small glowing eerie shapes started to climb out of Galderhorn’s cloak and coat and settled on his antlers and back, one or two hanging from his tail.
“Oh, a dozen ratatosks,” said Galderhorn and smiled as the eerie shapes densified into squirrel-like eight-limbed beings covered in mouths and ears.
“Gossip-spirits?” Mustika mumbled. “Can you really rely on those pests?”
“What better way to track a celebrity?” said Galderhorn and smiled as he petted the squeaking spirits which babbled rumours and hearsay. “Besides, if they are detected, people might be upset but they won’t suspect anything. Ratatosks are attracted to places where reindeer who want to be seen gather, like moths to a flame.”
“Alright,” said Mustikka. “But if the little vermin dawdle and start looking for autographs, I’m going in!”
Galderhorn nodded and whispered in the ears of his charges (and those ears were many) before sending them flitting through the air towards the club. A vague chatter could be heard, if you had Seen them with your eyes first. If any of the reindeer in the line Saw them, they didn’t show it.
Saga stared at herself in the restroom mirror. She was supposedly fixing her makeup (which takes some effort using cloven hooves, let that be taken to the record), but she was reduced to staring.
Could she really be here? Could they really be right? Lady Twilight Sparkle was visiting this place this night?
"Oh, she is here! I heard the rumor before and when I got here the garderobier told me!"
"I saw her! I saw her, she was drinking a... a soda, like normal reindeer!"
"Didn't you say you knew her, Saga? Didn't you say... (mocking chuckle) you were her apprentice?"
She is here! That two-timing... that's why he went here... to see her... to meet her...
Saga fumbled with her powder puff.
She was standing in the doorway of one of the club's private rooms, which was remarkably opulent for the circumstances, with plush pillows and silk divans, the smell of oils and incense and the light of red lanterns. Mistress Sparkle was reclining on one of the divans, while a small pegasus filly fanning her with her wings. Vigg rested his head in her lap.
"Surprised, little fawn?" Mistress Sparkle purred like a big kitten. "After all, he is a stag now, with a stag's needs..." She patted the head of the reindeer prince.
"Yes, you little fool," said Vigg with a much deeper voice than usual, "of course I wanted somepony that was a real grownup! Not just a little kid."
"And with a position fit for royalty, not living in the slums," Twilight Sparkle said.
"Exotic and sexy and not a common brown ugly vaja," Vigg said and kissed her.
"A powerful sorceress and not just a talentless dabbler," said Twilight Sparkle and kissed him back.
"Leave, and don't come back," said Vigg.
"It's not like anydeer needs you or wants you anyway," said Twilight Sparkle and magically slammed the door in Saga's face.
Saga woke up from her fantasy and her gnawing thought that it could be an actual vision as the actual door slammed open and then shut. At first Saga thought that a very small fawn in a bad dragon costume had violated the sanctity of the ladies’ room. Then, she realized...
"Spike?" she said.
The dragon, who was panting heavily, nodded weakly and held the door shut. Somedeer was knocking on it.
"Hi, Saga," he said and grinned as weakly as his nod.
"What... are you here with Mistress Sparkle?" she said. Spike shook his head, but her relief at the implications of this was short-lived.
"No, she's here, but I'm not with her... oh my sweet flame, I had sneak in and warn you..." he moaned.
"Warn... us?" she said.
"You and Vigg!" he said. "We’ve gotta find him! There are reindeer here who want to kill him!"
A disjointed explanation later, Spike and Saga galloped towards the bar. Saga barged past angry customers and, ignoring their swearing, faced the bartender.
"Look, Miss," he said, "you can't just..."
"I need to know Lady Sparkle's room and I need to know it now!" she interrupted.
He sighed deeply and massaged his temple with his hoof, deeply regretting he wasn't allowed to drink on duty.
"Look," he said, "I have told you guys again and again that I cannot tell..."
Spike jumped up on the counter.
"I'm the number one assistant of Twilight Sparkle and I have a super-duper important message for her!" he said, waving a small and angry fist in the bartender's general direction.
The bartender hesitated a bit.
"Look," he began a third time, "I have seen many dragon costumes tonight..."
"Spike," barked Saga, "fire!"
A green flame singed the bartender's face.
He fell as silent as the rest of the bar as he studied the green smoke coming from the fur on his muzzle.
"Room 6A," he said. "It's the next furthest to the north in the eastern corridor. If you excuse me, I need to go stick my face under a faucet."
Twilight hope that taking a bite or two out of the flayed rodents, as if tasting the most delicious parts, would be sufficiently polite. She knew she had killed her physical gag reflex, but her mind didn't know that, and it kept telling her to throw up. Neither did she want to think of what would happen with her digestion.
"If we all are satisfied, maybe we can continue," she said and dabbed blood and slime from her mouth with a black silk handkerchief (embroidered with silver bats - yet another loan from Luna).
"Yes, let’s continue," said Jarl Ahto. He had barely touched the cheese, jam and biscuits on his platter, but was on his second glass of spiced vodka. Twilight had only sipped at her glass. She was certain the liquor would not have removed only paint but also the furniture the paint was on. The other reindeer had also only nervously picked at their food but drunk heavily. The pegasus pirate had cheerfully stuffed her face and drunk as much, and she was clearly affected by it, unlike the reindeer.
"Yeah, let’s!" she said. "Ahto, dude, it's clear she's not gon’ show you hers unless you show yours! Show the Lady some leg, will ya?"
Ahto flinched, Hakon scowled and Guthrun coughed loudly and pointed to the waiter.
"We don't need anything more for now," Twilight said and smiled - grinned, she corrected herself, stay in character, grin - grinned towards him. "Please leave us!"
The young stag just stared at her and made no sign of moving. He seemed to want to say something, started to mouth word but nothing came out, and almost started to gesture but didn’t. Twilight stared back.
“Did you want something?” she said harshly, as she started to be nervous.
“Get out!” Ahto barked, and the youth backed out, slamming his rump into the door in process.
“D’you think he was high on sh’omething?” said Captain Coat with a grin, cheeks flushed.
“He was obviously enraptured by my beauty,” said Twilight and grinned back. “Now, back to business...
Vigg hung outside the door, flabbergasted.
I can’t believe it... he thought. Lady Sparkle is in there, making some sort of horrid deal with Jarl Ahto! With the Pretender! How can she betray my country... when I know how she thinks? How she looks inside?
How beautiful her soul is...
Yet when I look at her now... I see nothing strange... no betrayal... but not that beauty either... She must be selling out my family...
He found himself breathing heavily.
...but she protected me from that pegasus...
Vigg admittedly had a problem with being touched by females, but this wasn’t that kind of touch. It had felt like an adder crawling over him, and not just because he had taken a quick peek into the strange pegasus mare’s inner workings. He had quickly looked away again.
He was interrupted in his reverie by a pink torpedo ramming into him and catching his neck in between her antlers.
“YOU TWO-TIMING CREEP! YOU LYING LIAR! YOU... WOLF AMONG FAWNS!” Saga screamed, her face contorted by anger.
“I can expl...” he began, half-strangled.
“I can’t freezing believe you! You agree with me to go out with me, JUST SO YOU CAN CHECK OUT LADY SPARKLE?!” she interrupted.
“No, it was..” he tried.
“LIAR! LIAR! ADMIT IT!” she screamed. Then she started to cry, but didn’t break down in tender tears, as romantic heroines are wont to. The streams of makeup-dissolving tears almost turned to steam by her cheeks, hot with rage.
“It - it - it’s... all true...” he said. He could barely see her contorted face because of the angle he was pressed down by her antlers.
“I figured,” she sniffling. “Because I’m not good enough for you?”
“It’s not like that!” he started to babble. “I only wanted to see what she was doing! With her mysterious affairs!”
“Even if I believed you,” Saga sobbed, “it changes nothing. Nothing. Because why didn’t you tell me?”
Vigg opened his mouth but found nothing to say.
“Because either you are a liar and came here to see some purple flank, or you don’t trust me enough to go on an adventure with you, or you’d think I’d be too sensible to bring along!” she said bitterly.
“But - Spike?” he said, suddenly seeing the little dragon standing behind Saga. Spike’s face was also distorted, but by fear and shame. The kind of shame you feel when you find your friends locked in an horrible quarrel.
“She’s right, y’know,” said Spike quietly. “You really shouldn’t have come here! There are people here who will kill you!”
“YOU LYING STUPID WORTHLESS SACK OF UNFAITHFUL...” Saga started to scream again and pulled Vigg up by his throat, while he frantically tried to get out of the grip. A small, strangely calm part of him noticed that this here actual streetfighting Saga had mentioned as part of her upbringing apparently was much more useful than his combat training.
“WHAT’S GOING ON... here?” said a voice behind them as the door sprang open (and incidentally, slammed Spike behind it in a rather unfunny fashion).
The people from the meeting stuck out their heads in a rather uncoordinated mess, everyone suddenly interested in seeing who was screaming outside.
“Oh - oh - Mistress Twilight!” Saga blurted out.
“Saga?” said Twilight, against her better judgment, even if she tried to bite her tongue.
“‘Mistress’?” said Guthrun.
“You know her name?” said Jarl Ahto.
“One of my ‘fans’,” Twilight said quickly. “Death-worshippers from the temple of Hrimfaxi!”
“Wait, did you tell them you were here?” said Ahto.
“Of course not!” Twilight snapped. “One of the staff must have spread the word...”
“The doorguards!” Saga squeaked, improvising on the spot.
“Well, there is no big deal what a bunch of decadent youth know...” Hakon began, but Ahto interrupted him and kicked him.
“Don’t be an idiot! They are sure to have bragged and told others! Who knows who else in the city know, and what they might have done...” he said.
“And of course you had to tell these witnesses that we were doing something we didn’t want them to know,” Twilight said, her voice dripping with poison. “It is obvious that the vaja only chased her sarv who wanted to... look at me. But now you and your idiot retainers force my horn, Jarl Ahto!”
She turned to the youths sprawled on the floor and they were enveloped in a purple glow.
“I’m sorry, kids,” she said and they disappeared in a flash.
“What did you do?!” Ahto shouted.
“A witchjump,” Guthrun said and rubbed her eyes. “But I cannot sense where...”
“That’s because I have a somewhat longer range than you’re used to,” said Twilight with forced smugness.
“So... where did they go?” said Hakon.
“About five miles out in Sarvvik Bay,” Twilight said. “I doubt they can swim all the way to shore.”
The three reindeer looked horrified, the pegasus grinned evilly.
Spike came out from the door.
“Spike!” Twilight said. “What are you doing here?”
I hope you weren’t in on those two and whatever they were up to, she thought.
“I’m... I’m here to warn you!” he said, sad and confused. “About... the spies in here! Yeah!”
“Spies?” said Twilight pulling him close. “What do you mean, uh, faithful servant?”
“Guthrun,” Ahto barked, “do a spirit check!”
He and Hakon watched nervously as the seer looked cross-eyed and gazed around as if trying to see far away beyond the walls.
“Wh-what did you do to them?” Spike whispered, horrified.
“I teleported them to Mustikka’s watch position,” she whispered back, as Guthrun started to chant loudly.
“This place is infested with gossip-spirits...” she started.
“That’s not that strange, or bad,” Hakon said. “I have seen them peek out from the walls myself, but that’s only natural in a place like this, right?”
“I recognize the breed of ratatosk,” she said grimly. “I know Galderhorn’s habits, brother. He always hunts for them in the same marches of the spirit plane.”
“Ukko’s freezing spirit-talker!” Ahto swore. “We’re being observed!”
“Yeah!” said the dragon, “that’s what I’m trying to tell you! There are reindeer in here as well!”
NO! Twilight Sparkle shouted within herself. I haven’t learned everything I needed to know yet!
“Then we must flee, my Jarl!” said Hakon.
“Wait!” Twilight shouted. “I have been seen here with you and your people!”
“So what?” said Crimson Coat. “You’ll just have to flee as well and claim diplomatic immunity or something.”
“Ignore the idiot, my lord,” said Twilight. “I can easily save myself, but this threatens my chance to help you.”
Ahto stopped.
“There is no way you and I can cooperate like this now when we have been seen together,” she said. “For me that is just one little intrigue gone awry, but for you... goodbye plans. Goodbye crown of Poatsula. Goodbye destiny of your ancestors!”
“Unless...” said Ahto.
“Unless?” said Hakon.
“She wouldn’t have said it unless there was an unless,” said Ahto. “Go on, Lady Sparkle.”
“Unless we cover this up,” she said.
“By killing the whole club?” Crimson Coat suggested, swaying a bit unsteadily.
“You pretend to abduct me! Either your compatriots saw the opportunity when they visited the same club as me,” Twilight said and nodded towards Crimson Coat, “or you heard about it on the grapevine and planned it in advance. I will, of course, ‘escape’... when you can slow down, and nodeer need to know we were in cahoots. I can even go around telling everydeer about the horrid experience! Then they will suspect a plot with me even less!”
“That was the dumbest, most panicky thing I’ve ever heard!” said Crimson Coat. “Come on, Ahto, we need to get out of here!”
“That’s a brilliant plan!” said Ahto after a short deliberation, to the surprise of everyone including Twilight Sparkle. “Hakon, tie her up!”
“What?” said Hakon and Spike.
“To fake my abduction, Spike,” said Twilight and held out her front hooves.
“But you can just magick free!” said Spike.
“Yeah!” said Hakon. “Nodeer will believe...”
Twilight ripped off a couple of belts from Hakon’s apparel and wrapped in a knot around her forelegs.
“This here is ‘rune-enchanted leather’ that’s ‘impervious to magic’,” she said. “Now somedeer please gag me with that ‘anti-magic tablecloth’ and carry me away ‘against my will’ before we’re discovered!”
“What about me?” said Spike.
“You can ‘hide in her saddlebags’ and ‘sneak out and free her’ later,” said Ahto. “Come on folks! Get on with the kidnapping! Look alive!”
When they reached the stairs they were discovered by a waiter who screamed even before Crimson Coat with a happy grin threw him down the stairs.
“I really think she should struggle,” said the pirate critically, getting into the spirit.
Twilight wriggled a bit and hmmfed through the inexpertedly applied tablecloth gag.
“I mean like, cast some spells or something, something flashy!” the pirate said hurriedly as they carried their “victim” downstairs.
“Don’t we need to free her for that?” Hakon said.
Twilight shook her head.
This fake abduction is the dumbest idea I’ve had since I thought I had no friendship report to send and started a magic riot to get one, she thought. Oh what the hay! Let’s do a simple Look Alive Folks! animation spell!
A purple flash sputtered from her horn and hit the giant plaster statue of Dread Hubbodamaster. Purple light spread over the plaster and split into all the colors of the Theophage’s standard description, with his pink-tan face and paws, black mane and beard, and red and yellow robes and boots. With a mighty wrenching sound he pulled the chains out of his plaster flesh and dropped down to the floor below.
“I HUNGER! I KILL! I DEVOUR” he bellowed and started to move against some of the guests on the floor.
“Those are my deer!” Jarl Ahto gasped.
“Neat magics!” Crimson Cloaked yelped happily.
Twilight was satisfied. The construct would attack Ahto’s deer, attracted by their auras, and cause minor havoc since it would soon fall apart into plaster bits...
Her quiet reverie being carried downstairs was interrupted as sparkles flew from the “wounds” in the fake God-eater and flew to the other plaster statues.
“WE ALSO HUNGER!” shouted the Diomedian sisters as they manifested as ethereal illusions and flew out from their relief.
“I HUNT! I HUNT!” shrieked Arachna as she scuttled down from the ceiling.
“WE LIVE! WE RISE!” shouted all the other statues of the monsters trapped in Tartarus, animated and ran amok, Tirek and Grogar and Krastos and all their ilk.
Twilight’s “Oh noooo...” was only partially muffled through the tablecloth.
They might have singled out Ahto’s deer, and their attacks might have been mightily ineffective, but the panic they spread was total anyway Screaming clubgoers trampled each other as they tried to escape. The main reason the plaster monsters didn’t create more chaos in the city was that they broke as they tried to escape through the door, and their animated parts rolled around on the floor until the magic went out. The reindeer guards storming the club destroyed some of them earlier than that, but did little to calm down the panicking crowds.
Mercifully, Twilight missed most of the riot as she and her abductors escaped through a secret tunnel.
“It looks like Lady Sparkle and, it seems, her servant the dragon, were abducted by Jarl Ahto and his followers,” said the reindeer reporting to the Companions.
“I have spirits following them, but Guthrun and I had the same master,” said Galderhorn sadly. “She is awfully good with counter-spirits, hrasvalgs to scare away my ratatosks.”
“We have to assume she is being carried away by boat,” said one of Luna’s pegasi. The princess herself wasn’ there, not even having been informed yet.
“This has to be the most stupid thing I have ever seen anydeer do, and I have been the companion of some very stupid reindeer,” said Mustikka to Vigg, who was crying noisily into his hooves. “You utterly destroyed an operation vital to national security, caused a riot which has harmed dozens of deer, caused an international incident by Lady Sparkle’s kidnapping...”
“Worst of all, you could have gotten yourself killed!” Heikko said sadly. Vigg could count on his hooves the times he had seen Heikko when the fat berserker had not been happy and laughing... “Yourself and your doefriend!”
“I’m not his doefriend anymore!” said Saga angrily. “I cannot believe I trusted you, you stupid spoiled brat. To... to save this country! I can’t believe I mistook one of my stupid fantasies for a genuine vision. Crown prince! More like clown prince!”
And she walked out of the alley and of his life and disappeared, while Vigg cried his heart out and the reindeer around him were too angry or too busy to comfort him.
As usual, thanks to my proofreaders LadyMoondancer and Wheelwright!